The Shivering Truth (2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Nurple Rainbow - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Our best minds have determined

that the whole universe
is the dream of one ant.

[ Gasps ]


[ Panicked breathing ]


A-Are you okay?

I was just sleeping,

and I heard
troubled breath.

Nothing. Nothing.
I-I'm fine.

I just...
had a nightmare.

What are you
accusing me of?

I-I didn't shove anything
all up in your ear.

[ Drip! ]

I never seen that thing
before in my life.

I don't even know
what it is.

my thing would need

one twice that size.

What did you do to me?!

[ Sobs ]

[ Snoring ]

Stop this!
What d-- What did you do?

Get up!

W-W-What's happening?

W-Why are you
hitting me?

What have you done to me
while I was sleeping?

[ Panicked cries ]

What did you do to me?

I -- I didn't
do anything.

I don't think I did.

Did I do something to you?

Oh, God!
What did I do?!

What did you do to me?
You monster!

I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.

It's okay.
I forgive you.

These things happen.

Why are you
so good to me?

Because you have such tight,
pretty ears.

Not really.
You really wanna know?

I've never shown
anyone this.

[ Grunts ]


It's huge.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

[ Squealing ]

[ Clicking ]


Announcer: Then again,
toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer

was the greatest peekaboo player
the world had ever known.


W-Where's Trudy?
I just saw her.

She was just here.
Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?!

Oh, God.
She was just here!

Oh, my God! Trudy!

Where'd you go?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Trudy!
My baby!

Where's my baby?!

Someone stole my baby!

Oh, God! [ Sobs ]

Someone stole my baby!

Oh, God,
oh, God, oh God.

Oh, God.
What's going on?

Where's Trudy?
What happened?!

Where is she?!

[ Shattering ]

[ Sirens wail ]

You get that bastard
that took her!

[ Giggling ]

If he hurt a hair
on her head, I swear,

I'm gonna rip
God's face off

and -- and ram it
down his tip.

I promise
I will find your daughter,

even if I have to
kill her to do it.

Announcer: Police rounded up
every pervert in the area,

torturing them
for information,

which, naturally,
the perverts loved.

They undulated
orgasmically for more.

The cops were all
too happy to oblige.

Nipple twisting,
purple nurples, blue nurples,

every nurple in the rainbow

turned up
a steaming pile of zilch.

The trauma of losing their child
tore the parents apart.

Last year, I let your brothers
sandwich my business.

Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi.
So did I.

Before long, a father
finds a suitable outlet

to properly deal
with his grief.

If I don't see my child again
soon, I'm gonna do this.

Announcer: Some children
are just naturally talented.

We'll never know why.


Oh, sweetie, where were you?

Oh, my God, Trudy.

Don't ever
disappear again.

[ Giggles ]


Trudy! Trudy!!

[ Screams ]


Mama? Papa?

[ Chicken clucking ]

Announcer: We have long known
that chickens can live for years

with their heads cut off.

Recently, embedded Mideast
war reporters

have been dosing with huge
infusions of chicken blood

to frustrate
their terrorist beheaders.

This is what western
infidels get!

Is that all you got,

[ Laughs, yawns ]

Shut up and die,
you infidel pig dog.

Uh, correction --
chicken dog.

[ Smooches ]

You are making me angry.

And you have schmutz
on your dress.

Bonk! Gotcha!
Bawk-bawk, playa!

Announcer: Innocent bystanders
were so amused,

they took the act on the road.

[ Laughter ]

Why will you
not die already?

Uh, why don't you
brush your teeth already?

I'm warning you --

keep it up and I'll stop
this holy war right now.

Bawk-bawk, homey.

[ Slide whistle plays ]

Mmm, check the hottie
in the front row.

Hey, uh, missy,
you care for a three-way?

Or at least a 2 1/4-way?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, I'm not severed
where it counts.

Please die,
for the love of Allah.

Tell you what, I'll die
if you answer one question.

You have a deal.
Fire away.

Why does your faith
glorify hate?

[ Audience gasping ]

You really want to know?

For me, it's --
s-see, I never had a mother.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Audience boos ]

Wait, wait,
if you never had a mom,

then how do you
exist at all?

Jumpin' Jihad,
you're right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

At that precise moment,

only one man was having
a worse day at work.

Man: We are
so freaking disappointed

in your output, Dwyer.

Everyone else
in this department types

at least 10,000
random numbers a day.

Your average is 19.

Sorry, sir.
It's just --

I -- It's just --

What's so hard
about it?

Just type random numbers
as fast as you can.

See? Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's it. Easy peasy.

Now you try. Go!

Uh. Um...

Let's see, uh...


Just hit numbers!

Faster. Faster!

But I can never decide
which number to choose.

Don't think about it.
Just type. It's random.

I know, but I still
want it to be good.

Well, it isn't good.

And what's this?

There's some type
of Goddamn hole

in the back
of your head here.


Weird little critter
living in there.

Hey, little guy.
What the hell, Dwyer?

I wish you could
see this.
What is it?

What is it?!
Come on, Dwyer,

how the hell
am I supposed to know?

Get your act together.

Let me feed
this little thing for you.

Damn thing was hungry.

Maybe that's why
you're doing a sucky job.

Did it eat?!

What is it?


The damn thing's allergic
to peanuts or something.

You're on thin ice
with this nonsense, Dwyer.

I'm sorry. Here, l-let me
help you wipe that up.

Just get back to work.
And get that thing checked out.

[ Faint growling ]

[ Hisses ]

What are you doing?

Just keep working, Dwyer.
I'm having a look.

W-What the he--
What the hell is this thing?

[ Squeaks ]

Ah! What the heck-fire?

Just keep working.

Feisty little bastard.

Oh, wait.
That's what's going on.

Feisty little bitch,
I should say --

protecting her eggs.


I'm a little scared.

It's okay.

She got the little things
hatching right now.

What does it look like?

Christ, Dwyer!

Those things are loud.
Buddy, these are disruptive.

[ Chirping and squeaking ]

This is not

for a workspace

I'm sorry. I could strap
a pillow to my head.

Muffle it.

I can't hear you,

It's too loud!

Or could you fill
it with water

and drown them?
Or piss?

Sorry, Dwyer!
Look, we gotta let you go.

You can fire me,
but one day I'll show you.

I'll show you all.

[ Gunfire ]

Christ, Dwyer!
It's too loud.

[ Whimpering ]

Announcer: When he realized
that no one believed in him,

Doug rushed home to see
if he was there.

Dwyer: And the noble prize
for the Most Random Series

of Numbers of All Time
goes to...

Dougie Dwyer!

[ Smooches ]

Announcer: When he reflected
on his strengths,

Doug finally began
to love himself.

And when a man
finds self-esteem,

he can coax himself
to go all the way.


It got so steamy,
even his vanity became aroused.

And Doug got to experience
every man's fantasy --

a two-way with himself.

Dwyer: You're killing me.
Killing me.

Kill me. Kill me harder.
Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.

Kill me harder. Kill me harder,
kill me deeper, kill me harder.

Announcer: But alas, someone
always gets hurt in love.

And when one raw-dogs it
with a mirror,

the fruit of your vain
comes home to roost...

Push! Push!

[ Baby cries ]

Announcer: ...and our lives are
filled with meaning forever,

as long as the screams
don't get so loud

that they wake the ants
that are dreaming us.

[ Babies crying ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

♪ Oh, master, oh, master ♪

♪ Don't lay blame on me ♪

♪ 'Twas the false nurse ♪

♪ And Lankin that
killed your lady ♪

♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪