The Royals (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune - full transcript

Previously on The Royals...

- Oh, daisies.
- I always think of you when I see them.

'I was just wondering
what my life would be like,

had my mother not pushed
me into marrying Simon.'

Attempting to kill the Duke
of York, why, that's treason.

'The King goes on walks sometimes.

I want you to find out where he goes.'

It's a much better option than prison.

'We all keep our secrets, but
inevitably our secrets keep us.'

I'll be watching you, bodyguard.

There is no video.



You son of a bitch!

Your mother hates her, the
press will eat her alive,

and the public will never accept
an American as their queen.

We're going to Monaco for the weekend.

I want you to come with me.

Okay, yeah.

Ooh! Oh!

That... is not entirely unpleasant.

Just hurry up before we create
an international incident.

Anything else?

Mm-mm-hm.

For goodness sake, I'm not George Michael!

Ohh!

How does this sound? "Flying to
Monaco for the weekend with Liam.



Don't worry, using protection"?

Oh.

No matter what I tell my
dad, he's gonna lose his mind.

International Customs.

We just need to inspect your cargo.

Ooh. I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

This, gentlemen, as clearly marked,

is the Diplomatic Bag.

As codified in Article 27
of the 1961 Vienna Convention

on Diplomatic Relations,

this bag has diplomatic
immunity from search or seizure.

You can't touch it, you
can't look inside it.

And you certainly can't seize it.

But if you could,

you might find a loaded
firearm, several sex toys,

innumerable drugs including,
but not limited to,

a pound of marijuana, a
brick of cocaine, ecstasy,

Adderall, Ambien...

But like I said, you are
not allowed to look in it.

Off you go.

You cows could've put your drugs

in the Diplomatic Bag
rather than up your bums.

We know.

The Royals 01x06
The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

Ohh!

I thought you were still in Fiji.

Toronto.

It's quiet.

The children have gone
to Monaco for the weekend.

There was a time when you
were actually happy to see me.

There was a time when you
would've brought me flowers.

Besides, missing someone is difficult...

and far too distracting.

Distracting from what?

Being the Queen of England.

- This place is amazing.
- Yeah.

We've been coming here since I was born.

I love it here.

Oh, I get the master.

Bagsy.

Damn it!

I know when we met, I seemed
all casual about hooking up.

You have your own room next to mine.

I didn't want to be presumptuous.

Not being presumptuous is sexy.

Get on the bed. On your back.

What you doing?

What you do... What?

Hello, Jasper.

Thank you for admitting you never

actually had a sex tape of me.

Now you do.

Great!

You're welcome.

Hey. Hi, Lenny.

It's open.

Ow.

What is he doing here?

- Who?
- Who? You know who! Beck!

I thought it would make you happy.

You thought it would
make me happy, did you?

- Very nice.
- Hey.

Beck. It's so good to... seeing you.

It's good to seeing you, too.

Good to seeing you too, Beck.

It's gonna be a great weekend.

See you later.

Yeah.

You're like a 12-year-old girl around him.

I hate you times infinity!

'Hello, Jasper.

Thank you for admitting that you
never actually had a sex tape of me.

Now you do.'

Looking for something?

Your Majesty.

I understand you've requested a transfer.

Any particular reason?

- No, Ma'am.
- Good.

Because you've been transferred to me.

You're mine now, Jasper from Shoreditch.

It would be my pleasure, Your Majesty.

No.

I think the pleasure will be mine.

She's here.

My baby's here!

- Ashok has a girlfriend?
- I doubt it.

- You hanging by the pool?
- Yeah.

Why?

Hey, you.

We have the sickest villa
right beside the casino.

Speaking of, we're going there later.

Oph!

Now, let's get drunk and
christen that pool like old times.

Ophelia!

We always go topless here.

But you have great tits, so you're good.

Pool, bitches.

How badass is this?

My dad said I could
have it if I made honors.

It's great, Ashok.

Well done.

I'm so happy right now.

I'm gonna drive it.

By the way, Gemma and
her girls are at the pool.

I can drive it later, that's fine.

You happy to be in Monaco, Marcus?

- Always happy, sir.
- Good.

You're fired for the weekend.

The team can handle it.

I'll rehire you when we get back to London.

Sir?

I know I don't always make
it easy for you, Marcus.

But you deal with it, and me,

with skill and grace and I appreciate it.

So enjoy the weekend.

Hang out, relax and don't call me "sir".

Of course, Your Highness.

Dude.

Erm... maybe just go with "sir".

Your Majesty?

Prudence.

Thought you might enjoy a little
treat after your long trip.

Hobnobs. Delicious. Will you join me?

That's very kind of you, but...

You have your work, I understand.

But then again, disobeying a direct request

from the King Of England could
be interpreted as treason.

Forgive me, I'm joking, of course.

No, it's just...

One hobnob.

Why are people always doing this to me?

You scared the hell out of me!

You're not wearing that.

Second, did you see Beck out there?

No? Turn round.

Okay.

Put this on.

Whoa, nice rack!

Just give me the dress. Who is Beck?

Beck was Robert's best friend.

We basically grew up together.

I may have lost my virginity to him.

Alright, I did. I really did.

It was a disaster, but then it got better.

So you slept with him again?

I slept with him a lot. We never dated.

But every time he comes around, I fall
to pieces and I start acting like...

well, you, actually.

What is that supposed to mean?

Like a dork, a total dork.

I laugh and I say really awkward things.

I can do it, I got it. I can do it!

The thing is, he just...
makes me feel I'm not myself.

I become all girly and
it really freaks me out!

Here we go. Mm!

You did not just do that.

Hey!

Mm, thank God for the Diplomatic Bag.

I need drugs.

Mm, let's see you.

Gemma's gonna hate you.
Liam's gonna love you. Win win.

- Let's go.
- Len.

You've always been nice to me.

I don't know why, but it means a lot.

Of course I've been nice to you.
Why wouldn't I? Bitch, let's go.

Come on.

Your Royal Highness, Princess Eleanor.

It's a pleasure to see you again.

How's your luck?

Not too good.

For some reason, I couldn't
locate the Diplomatic Bag.

Do you know anything about that?

- No.
- Nope?

Not a thing.

Let's see if we can change your luck.

It's easier if you have a system.

What's your system?

Well, I bet black because
it's your favorite color.

Odd, because, well, you are.

17 because that's the age
you were when I first saw you.

23 because it's your
favorite number. And 35.

What's 35?

35 is the number of times you've
taken my breath away in that outfit.

35.

Imagine that.

Vous avez gagn?, monsieur.

Bravo!

And now it's 36.

What's it gonna be, baby?

Don't call me baby.

I'll see your bet, and raise you...

20,000.

Whoa.

I'll also raise...

200,000.

Ashok, are you trying to
look at my cards or my tits?

Both.

Your move, little girl.

Wait. No, no, no!

I haven't even driven it on the Autobahn.

And when I beat this cocky prick,

you will not only drive it on the Autobahn,

you will drive it on the Autobahn
with me, topless, getting a handy.

Can I upgrade to a blowy?

Don't push it, Ashok.

This is a brand new McLaren Coupe with...

11.

11 miles on it.

- Ma'am...
- No, it's okay.

Full house.

Pair of sixes.

I'm going dancing.

Hey, hey.

So what color is my new ride, anyway?

Maybe talk to him, convince
him to give your car back.

Or maybe I find the guy and
I hold him at gunpoint...

or bow-and-arrow point and
I make him give it back.

No one is holding anyone
at bow-and-arrow point.

Yeah, I know.

- Poor guy.
- He'll be okay.

He gets like this.

What kind of guy gets good
at darts to impress girls?

Worked with you.

Whatever.

Robert was a great darts player.

I practiced all the time
so someday I could beat him.

I never did.

Well done,

reconnecting with the King
so soon upon his return.

- Very clever.
- I didn't do it for you.

That doesn't matter, does it?

When he goes out tonight, you follow him.

Otherwise, they're gonna love

that pretty mouth of yours in prison.

- All right, Beck?
- Yeah, man.

See you later.

Hey, where did you disappear to?

I came back here to
find the Diplomatic Bag,

but all I could find was
a ceremonial bow and arrow.

- That's odd.
- Mm. Yeah.

Where are my drugs, Beck?

In the bag, I suppose.

Liam asked me to fly in because of Robert.

'Cause he knows what
this place meant to you.

He didn't have to do that,
I'm not doing that bad.

You're a shit show and we both know it.

Yeah, you have your drugs and
your guys and your darkness.

But you still can't diminish that light.

I don't have a light.

Oh, you have a light, princess...

so brilliant it's hard
to look at you sometimes.

So you only came here
because Liam asked you to?

No, Len.

I came because I wanted to see you.

Because I always want to see you.

I'd see you every day if I could.

That's not fair.

Excuse me.

Remember the first time we
got drunk together, right here?

What were we... 13?

12.

You didn't have to invite him.

It's our first time here without Robert.

Yeah, well, you don't
have to worry about me.

I don't have to but I do.

And I always will, so deal with it.

Okay.

You remember the last time
I was drug-free all day?

When?

No, I'm asking you 'cause I don't remember.

I'm going to bed.

Alone.

It certainly is a night of firsts.

Hey.

Perfect line.

How'd you sleep?

Really great, actually.

Good.

I made you breakfast.

- Is that bacon?
- Mm-hm.

I love bacon.

I took the bag.

I knew you took my bag.

It's all still here.

You slept great.

And you look amazing.

- Yeah.
- And the bacon never tasted better.

Eat. And come hang out by the pool.

- Beck?
- Yeah?

Thank you.

Imagine, for a few drinks, no?

Imagine...

You're kidding me, right?

You gamble away my McLaren

and now you're frolicking by the pool.

Relax, Ashok.

We have a plan to get
your precious car back.

You do?

What plan?

What is this, huh?

An episode of Glee?

We'd like the car back.

You have something we want,

maybe I have something you want.

- Like what?
- Sex.

Virgin sex.

You expect me to believe you're a virgin?

Not me, creepo.

Her.

No deal.

I think you may like to reconsider.

I'm quite skilled in the
blowy and handy department.

Not to mention the five
ounces of Bolivian cocaine

I'm currently ferrying in my rectum.

Do you still have that up there?

I'm afraid I can't help you.

I won this car fair and square.

In a game of chance.

Poker is a game of skill.

Not according to the casino.

How about you let us try to win
the car back in a game of skill?

I'm a man who appreciates a challenge.

And also a good anecdote about
defeating the Crown Prince of England.

What's your game, Your Highness, hm?

The game is 501.

First player to score 501
without going over, wins.

Outer rings count as double,
inner ring counts as triple.

Three darts per turn.

Did I mention I love my car?

I'm a man of my word.

If I lose... you can have your car.

But I won't lose.

Great arrows, Omar!

Triple 20, triple 20 and 20.

We're screwed.

How was your first day with Her Majesty?

Without incident.

I'd commend you on your unprecedented
rise to the Queen's detail,

however, I feel a warning might
be more prudent than a compliment.

A warning, sir?

The Queen asked for you personally.

She also has MI5 and MI6
vetting your security clearance.

Eventually, she'll discover you're
not the person you claim to be.

You think I didn't know?

I'm the King's head of
security, we know a few things.

I'll speak to Princess Eleanor about
the conditions of your transfer.

If she refutes your claims,
you'll be tried for treason.

Until then, you're being
watched closely, Mr. Frost.

Go.

Mr. Pryce, sir...

If you knew about my past...

Why did I hire you?

Because as far as I can tell,

you're not your parents.

Besides, everybody deserves a
chance to rewrite their history.

Word of advice.

The Queen tends to be threatened

by her daughter's youth and attractiveness.

In case it comes up.

343 for Liam, 469 for Omar.

Omar needs 32 points to win.

Double 16.

Oh, so close!

You must be living right, Your Highness.

But, you know what?

I only need 16 points.

You need 158.

Good luck.

Good luck.

You know, it's a funny thing, pressure.

Once you have the weight of
the world on your shoulders,

the rest of it is easy.

That's 120.

You need 38 points. Double 19.

Ashok...

do you like your car?

I love my car.

Good.

Because it's yours.

Yeah. Good game.

But that thing that I said about my word?

I lied. I'm keeping the car!

- It's mine now, okay?
- Give him the keys.

Whoa! Calm down!

I was raised in America where guns are bad

but a bow and arrow is honorable.

- Don't think I won't use this.
- I'm not thinking, I'm dead.

It's slipping. It's slipping!

Okay, alright! Take the car!
Take the car! Crazy bitch!

Come on!

Oh, Ashok!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna bleed out and die!

- I'm gonna...
- You're not gonna die, Ashok.

I have a rubber taste in my mouth!

You should go and check on Ophelia.

You got this. You got this.

Hang in there, buddy.

Ashok, calm down. Listen to me.

You're gonna be fine. I just
need to remove the arrow.

No, no, bad idea. You have
to take me to the hospital.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

Because you're best friends
with the Crown Prince of England,

there's a protocol.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I'm not like you, Marcus.
I'm cowardly and fragile.

I play video games and read graphic novels.

I'm sarcastic and ironic. Please.

When those girls out there see you
manning up and taking one for the team,

you'll play the sympathy
card for all it's worth.

One...

- two...
- Ohh!

Three.

- Does it hurt?
- I can handle it.

I miss the effortless way
he navigated all the madness.

You know?

Like he was always one
step ahead of everyone.

He was everyone's hero.

Including mine.

And his eyes would light
up when he'd talk about you.

He'd say, "Lenny is gonna be iconic.

She'll be the one that rewrites history."

I miss him.

Remember that night he jumped
off the roof into the pool?

You ready?

No. Hold on.

Good idea.

It's unfortunate the way
you've let yourself go, Beck.

Just shut up and jump.

What? What?

What?

You, happy. It's nice.

Prudence?

Forgive me, Your Majesty. I...

It's okay.

Join me.

Sometimes I sit and watch
people at the bus stops.

I ride the tube and
notice how nobody speaks.

They block each other out
with their music and phones

and the headlines of the day.

And I wonder...

what happened to us?

When did the charlatans and the con men

and the wicked among us, drive
us all away from each other?

I think most people are good.

Some of them are simply
trapped by their circumstances.

You're a good person, Prudence.

And whatever your struggle,

whatever circumstance confines you...

I can help you.

And I'd like to try.

You can't.

I'm sorry.

Prudence?

You're a good man and a great King.

And that matters immensely...

to all of us.

Tell me about your parents, Jasper.

Perhaps Your Majesty should tell me.

You're an orphan from Shoreditch,

hence the elocution lessons.

Unless MI6 says otherwise.

I must say, your American
accent barely peeks through.

Las Vegas grifters, weren't they?

Swindlers who moved about like gypsies,

coveting affluence and
teaching their son well.

My parents only dreamed of life at the top.

But I touched it and used it.

And Samantha Cook?

Did you touch and use her, too?

I've done some poking around into
your poking around, bodyguard.

You didn't leave Las Vegas.

You were banished by Sy
Cook, the King of the Strip.

Apparently, someone got a little

too close to the King's daughter.

You have a type, Jasper from Shoreditch.

You're right, I do have a type.

Sy Cook wanted me gone.

And his daughter was one hell of a girl.

There's just one thing
Your Majesty misconstrued.

It wasn't his daughter I wanted.

It was his wife.

You've caught me on a good day, bodyguard.

I'm melancholy, I'm stressed,
and I'm severely horny.

Think you have what it
takes to earn my silence?

Don't let us get ahead of ourselves.

Are you familiar with the expression
"At Her Majesty's Pleasure"?

'Oh, God, I'm probably gonna die!

I'm gonna bleed out and die!'

Is this the VIP for the girls
who can't have the boys they want?

It's not the VIP for whiny heiresses.

I'm not whining.

I'll fly some guy out,
be the life of the party,

fake a few orgasms and
do it all again tomorrow.

- It's what we do.
- It's what you do.

Fine, it's what we do.

I told her I could be her
but she couldn't be me.

But I can't be her. I
haven't been her in years.

It's too late for that.

I get that.

But nobody's gonna cry for a
diamond heiress and a princess.

Nor should they.

But do you remember the last time

you weren't the girl the boy
just wanted to sleep with?

Tonight, actually.

I miss him more when you're around.

But I think that's good.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm proud of you.

Why?

You went another day without the bag.

I'm so tired.

You know what most people
do when they're tired?

They sleep.

It's nice being like this.

I almost forgot what it was like.

What?

You shot a man with a
ceremonial bow and arrow!

I didn't mean to.

Apparently what lays in Vegas,
does not, in fact, stay in Vegas.

You've served your Queen well, bodyguard.

What?

Just watching my girl.

It was perfect this weekend.

Almost.

Why almost?

You got all American and
wouldn't get topless at the pool.

Oh, really? You don't
think I'll go topless?

- I don't think you will.
- Fine.

Here you go, Monaco. Enjoy the view.

I can't do it.

All part of my plan.

I'm glad you couldn't.

I'm pretty selfish about the view.

I'm always gonna remember this weekend.

Being here with you.

The beginning of us.

Perfect line.

I won't do it. The King deserves better.

Interesting choice.

I'll make sure the authorities
have your home address.

And I'll make sure they have yours.

You need the Monarchy to be
looked upon in a favorable light.

So I don't think you'll
tell anyone about anything.

Besides, there isn't anything you can do

to me that you haven't already done.

You ready to go?

I've extended for a week. I'm gonna stay.

You sure?

I just want to be by myself
for a while, you know?

Going somewhere?

To see the Prime Minister.

Regarding what?

Nothing you need to know.

We all have our secrets, don't we?

You could, you know.

You said you'd see me
every day if you could.

You can.

You know I can't.

Where was she this weekend?

On tour with the guitar player?

Len.

She doesn't love you like I do.

She's my wife.

She wants to give it another try.

I at least owe her that.

She doesn't love you like I do.

I think Gemma might
have had the right idea.

We'll face it all together.

Your dad, my mom...

the press...

all of it.

You should show them this side of you...

the press, the world.

They'd love this version of you.

They don't want this version of me.

Try it.

When you step off the plane,

show them the quiet, kind,
enchanting girl I know.

I'm not wrong.

Maybe I will.

I gotta go.

Hi, boys. Did you miss me?

Good thing you've already seen me throw up.

Come on. We've done this before.

Not like this.

Hey.

I want you to know, no matter what,

I will always be there for you.

There she is. That's my girl.

Wait.

Say it again.

You're my girl.

And I want the world to know it.

Now let's go show you off.