The Righteous Gemstones (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
- The Maniac Kid!
- Come on, Maniac!
- Bring us on home.
- He brings a scrappy spirit
to the ring
that many do not survive!
It's the Atomic Drop!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- From the wrong side
of the tracks,
a newcomer to the league!
All muscle, all attitude!
Maniac Kid
with a high-flying smackdown!
Devastating, homicidal!
He's gone! Over the cameras!
It's mayhem in Memphis!
- Today's special
is Memphis Soul Stew.
- Yeah, Maniac Kid!
Damn, boy, that was
a beautiful thing to watch.
Oh, you are poetry in motion,
son.
Here, take it.
Any interest in some bonus pay?
- Yes, sir.
I'm definitely interested.
- All right, well,
you take a ride with us.
South side of town.
Juni!
You drive.
Hey, that's a nice dick, Ernie.
Good morning.
- What the fuck?
- Get a job, you bums!
- The hell's the matter
with you?
Did I raise you
to be a piece of shit
or does it just come naturally?
Asshole.
And where's your sympathy?
They just want the same thing
that everybody else wants.
A piece of the fucking pie.
- All right, Maniac,
you just follow my lead.
Remember I'm the boss.
- You ain't my boss, Junior.
- Well, yeah,
my daddy's the boss.
But technically,
that makes me above you
and if I give you an order,
you have to do it.
Isn't that right, Daddy?
- You ain't the boss of shit.
Now stop trying to be a big man.
Just put on these masks,
get in there,
and take care of business.
Asshole.
- This mask smells like shit.
And guess what. Daddy tooted.
- Yes, I did.
- Kill 'em.
Kill 'em both.
Oh, yeah.
- Crawford,
I'm not gonna tell you again.
Turn it down!
It's keeping her up.
You're making me miss this!
It's my shows, goddamn it.
Your shows...
Don't worry, Margaret.
Not everyone's as mean
as your daddy.
- Shut her up.
- Mm.
- While you keep him busy,
I'll go around
and get from behind.
- Hey!
Bring me a beer
if you're rummaging around!
This is empty.
- Who the fuck are you?
Ow!
Ow!
- I said turn the goddamn TV...
- Daddy's home!
Shh.
- You owe Glen.
- I ain't got no money!
Ah! I ain't got no money!
I'm dead broke!
- You owe Glen,
and I need that money,
and I need it now!
- Tomorrow!
Tomorrow, I can get it!
Be Christian. Lemme go!
Do it!
Please, let me go!
- Buy yourself something nice.
Yeah.
- Ah, yeah, poetry in motion.
- You're late, boy.
- Sorry, sir.
- No, go on.
Take a seat.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Where were you?
- I was out running errands.
- Errands?
- Yes, sir.
- For who?
For the Lord.
- Can it, Mary!
- Both of you... enough.
Now lead us in prayer.
- Me or her?
- I'm looking at you.
- So just say me then.
- Do it, Eli Gemstone.
- Yes, sir.
Good food, good meat,
good God, let's eat.
- I'm ashamed.
I stand before you
as an old friend
and a child of Christ.
Not the deviant sex-doer
the media paints me as.
I don't know what
my family's gonna do.
- You probably should've thought
of that before you filmed
your wife doing cunnilingus
on a woman
in a dance club bathroom.
Amen.
- Okay, Diane.
Well, what, you fixing
to pile on?
You got no compassion for me?
After how long
we known each other.
- Apparently, I didn't know you
as well as I thought I did.
Lot of revelations
in this "New York Times" piece.
Lots of deviants.
- Don't you talk deviants to me.
- Brothers, sister pastors,
Makawon wants a chance to speak.
I think we owe him that much.
- We didn't do anything illegal.
Those were private pleasures
shared with my wife.
And we didn't know we ate Molly.
We thought
they were mini SweeTarts.
Please don't kick my family
off the streaming platform, Eli.
We've always been
a loyal affiliate.
My church can't survive
in this new normal
without being on streaming.
I don't know what I'm gonna do
if we can't be on TV no more.
- It taints the whole brand.
Now what message does
that send to my congregation?
- Mak.
Now I know you feeling
'bout as low
as a bowlegged caterpillar.
But I'm with Diane.
- He says his church
is really cool with the gays
and the queers,
but not so much about
the swingers
and the thrah... thrahples.
- Damn it, Tony!
DeeDee and I are not
in a throuple with this woman!
She's a random with a lifestyle
calls her a snack.
You think this reporter's
just my problem?
He's all our problem.
He's a crusader.
An activist.
You're wrong if you don't think
he gonna come after you next.
It ain't like y'all don't have
your secrets too.
- All right, Mak.
This is not how I wanted it
to go down.
Mm.
- So that's that?
I'm gonna kill myself.
- Mak!
- Ouch.
- My legs!
Oh, my legs!
[Jay-Jay Johanson's
"So Tell the Girls
[That I Am Back in Town"]
- Hey, so... don't think
I'm not grateful 'cause I...
I totally get how generous
this is and all, really, I do.
But, um...
could I just get an apartment?
This place is kinda...
honestly, Mom, it's super gross.
Yeah, no doy it's super gross.
Granddaddy Roy died here.
Pooped and peed
all over the floors.
But that was many moons ago.
- That's right, and we've had
this place deep cleaned
multiple times.
- Right.
- Your great-granddaddy's
mansion is our gift to you
for making the right choices.
- Mm-hmm.
- You found a way to use
your movie industry
Tinseltown talents for good.
- And not just for good,
but for God.
- I mean, I'm filming sermons.
It's not quite
what I was trying to do.
- No, it's better.
- Yeah, it's better.
- Ow!
- The hell is that?
- Ah, stop it!
- Hey, Mom,
can we kick holes in the walls
in the green bathroom?
The toilet in there
doesn't even work.
- No, you may not!
- Man!
Let's go jump
on the Tempur-Pedic!
- Abraham!
- Abraham,
take that goddamn diaper
off your head!
Gideon, get up there
and straighten those boys out.
- Okay.
- And if you wouldn't mind,
please,
your mother and I would like you
to have a talk with Abraham.
- What about?
Uh...
Well, it would appear
that your baby bro
has started to jack
his little ding-a-ling.
And your mama has found
his stained jockeys
in some very odd places.
- Mm-hmm,
I think he's embarrassed.
- I... I don't understand.
- What's confusing?
He's blasting come everywhere.
And your mom found
his damn undergarments
hidden every which way
but loose.
She found a pair
of his crusty child chones
in the living room bible.
- Mm.
- And then found another pair
stuffed in the back
of the freezer
where the Dreamsicles are.
- I had two of those yesterday.
- We all enjoy the Dreamsicles.
The little dude is up
in his room
fuckin' blasting shit
behind his headboard.
Sitting there blasting one
underneath his little kid desk.
Your mom and I
are not comfortable
talking about come
with your baby brother.
- Mm-hmm.
- Load-blow convos
are more appropriate,
we believe,
coming from an older sibling
as opposed to mommies
and daddies.
- What am I supposed to say?
- I don't know.
Tell him to knock it off.
Tell him to put it
in a damn napkin and flush it
like a normal person.
- Yes.
- Don't be field micing
this shit around the house.
It's disrespectful.
- Okay.
I... I... I'll... feel it out.
Try to bring it up organically.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
- I got faith in you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Bye, guys.
- Hey, hey!
- Hey.
- Fucking love you, homie.
- Love you too.
- And I was just playing
when I said that Granddaddy Roy
pooped and peed
all over the floors.
- Okay.
- He didn't do that.
Just the master bedroom.
- I'll probably just move
into the guest bedroom
knowing that about the master.
- Yep, whatever you want.
- Okay.
- My word,
the voice of an angel.
- Daddy,
all I do is I open my mouth
and I let God do the rest.
- That's wonderful, Judy.
That's the very best thing
to do.
- The book of Matthew...
Tells of nation
rising against nation,
kingdom against kingdom.
A time of famines,
pestilence, and earthquakes.
Sound familiar?
In such scary, uncertain times,
come diseases, financial ruin,
political turmoil.
That's right, folks...
the works.
Knowing
that we could reach God...
and he will answer.
That's what we need right now!
Amen.
- Well, hold on.
Wait a second, Daddy.
Are you saying
people need Jesus's love
now more than ever?
- Duh, my brother!
We always need Jesus's love.
But especially now.
- We do need Jesus' love
now more than ever.
We are introducing
a streaming platform
where you can access
Christian programming
24/7 unlimited
whenever you need it.
We call this service GODD,
Gemstone on Digital Demand!
Whoo!
- With the launch
of G-O-Double D,
the Gemstones
have officially entered
the streaming wars.
Available on smart TVs, Roku,
Android, and Apple devices.
Son, you speaking robot?
Can we get that in English
for us older folks?
- Uh, Daddy,
I think what he's trying to say
is you can watch it
just about anywhere.
- And it is time to finally
stop the constant flood
of filth and propaganda
coming out of Hollywood.
If they're gonna fill
the airwaves 24/7
with that garbage,
we gonna do the same thing.
- Mm-hmm.
That calls for a celebration!
Who wants to sing and rejoice?
Streaming services.
Amen!
- Let's not fill up
on rolls here.
Stick to the salad bar.
Don't forget, we are
swimming laps after lunch,
so eat light.
We nourish our bodies
for His love.
Cool.
- So cool.
Excuse me, sir?
- What's up?
Dismissed.
- Will you be dining
with the men and I?
Of course not, Keefe.
I'll be above you,
upstairs with the family.
- Shall I join you?
- Oh, not appropriate.
Upstairs church lunch is only
for the family.
- See you upstairs, Kelvin.
- And... Daddy's
closest work acquaintances.
- That's okay.
- Hey,
do not take this personal.
No matter
how many disciples we gather,
you're still my number one.
All right? All right?
Oh, let me tickle
them titty meats.
See you inside.
- He said my... you...
I'll see you... inside.
- He tried to kill himself?
Oh, that is horrible.
- I just can't believe there was
nothing you could do about it.
I mean,
you couldn't just tell him
that the Butterfields
were staying in?
- Nothing I could do.
Damage had already been done.
He made his bed.
- It sounds like a lot
of people made their way
into his bed.
Oh, ha-ha, Martin.
That fucking reporter ruined
their whole life.
Like, blew up their whole deal.
I feel really sad for them.
- Don't let it distract you.
I wanna make sure
everybody is here
for the missionary seminar
next week.
- Well, Amber and myself
will unfortunately
have to take a rain check.
We have been invited
to a formal sit-down
with the Lissons.
- The Lissons?
The gorgeous preaching couple
from Texas?
- Yeah.
- What for?
- What do you mean, "What for?"
They're a successful
power Christian couple.
As are my wife and I.
Who knows what the hell
we can cook up together.
- Well, it's just weird
that they invited you
and not anybody else.
- Thank you.
- I mean, there's a lot
of successful people
in this family.
That's all I'm saying.
- If the Lissons
wanna open up a Gold's Gym,
I'll tell 'em
to give you a call.
- I imagine we were invited
'cause they probably realized,
as Daddy's faculties are...
waning and he starts
getting older and tired-er...
No offense, Daddy...
That Amber and myself
are the logical next leaders.
- Y'all are not the only
married people in this family.
Me and BJ are
also strongly betrothed
and also crushing it.
- Not a real family.
No kids.
- Ooh, ooh!
Slam. I like that one.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't got time for kids
'cause I'm trying to keep
this fresh physique fine.
I'm not trying to be
all loose and stretched out
like Amber's
played-out pastrami.
- Could you please pass
the mustard?
- Hey, do not talk
about my wife's vagina
at church lunch, do you hear me?
- It's okay, baby.
She's just jealous.
- Oh, please.
- Because her wedding
wasn't even real.
God.
That was cold.
Not letting Daddy
walk you down the aisle.
- There was not a aisle, dummy!
I don't know how many fucking
times I need to say that.
It was just, like,
a area by rides, okay?
Daddy knows.
Disney World was a thing.
It was BJ's dream wedding
destination.
So we did it Nike style, dog.
We just did it, okay?
That's how we roll.
- We're seat-of-our-pants.
We're fun kids.
We're whim babies, so...
- We meant no disrespect, Daddy.
- Ugh, Daddy.
- I just wanna know
who officiated the wedding.
Was it Donald or was it Goofy?
- Oh!
- Ooh, slice.
That was a good one.
- It was Prince Eric,
for your information.
- Thank you.
- Prince Eric?
Who the fuck is that?
The boy
from "The Little Mermaid."
- The hottest guy
in the entire Disney catalog.
- Ariel's boyfriend,
you fucking bitches.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Lord.
Y'all went down to Disney World,
didn't invite any family
to come to your wedding,
and you didn't even get
a legacy character to marry you.
- What legacy character
were we supposed to go for
that's better than Prince Eric?
- Oh, I don't know.
How 'bout Mickey Mouse?
- Man, fuck Mickey!
- Enough!
Judy, I don't want to discuss
the mermaid wedding.
- Yes, sir.
- Jesse, I'm not going anywhere.
So there's no need to start
working on who's taking over.
- Okay, I'm just saying,
you know, at your age...
it's probably never too early
to think about the future.
You know, I mean, you could be
sitting here being fine
one minute, doing church lunch
and ministering,
and the next minute you can't
even wipe your own shits.
Then the whole entire church
goes down to the caboodles
because nobody knows
who's gonna run it.
- That... that... that's
where I'm coming from.
- Well, I appreciate
your concern.
But like I said...
I'm not going anywhere.
- Well, let's just hope
my campaign plays out
a hell of a lot better
than I played that back nine.
- It's about time I took
some money off you, senator.
Since you always seem
to have your hands on mine.
Why do you think I let you win?
- Ay, Maniac Kid!
It's me.
- Sir! I'm sorry.
This is private property.
Members only.
- I'm a personal guest
of Eli Gemstone's.
Yeah, me and the man
go way back.
- I'll see you Sunday service.
- Come on.
- Get your meat hooks off me!
I will fuck you up.
Hey, I can take a hint!
Don't touch me.
Or you will regret it.
Lissons! Lissons! Lissons!
- Texas, make some noise!
My man!
- You know the words, come on!
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's go, baby.
Hey, uh, Lyle,
I think God is ready to talk.
What do you think?
- I think so too, Lindy.
Question is,
are you all ready to Lisson?
- That's good.
- Do you want it?
Yeah!
- Who wants it?
- Do you want the power
of the Holy Spirit in you?
Can't hear you now.
What, what did you say now?
Well, then all you got to do
is take it.
Take it!
Yeah, you felt that, right?
- I know I did.
- You want
the Holy Spirit right now?
Oh, yes.
- Yeah, this is awesome.
- Is this what you want?
It's what I want.
- Now, you, right there!
Take it!
Oh.
- Take it, take it,
take it, take it!
Take it, take it, take it!
Don't mind if I do. Mm.
- Look, I just wanna thank y'all
for inviting our family out here
for this little hang sesh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Gemstones rule the east.
Lissons rule the west.
Why has it taken us this long
to combine forces
and see what God can do
with this synergy?
Y'all like beach vacations?
- Live for 'em.
Waves and sunbeams.
- Yes, well, how would you like
to take a vacation
at the beach with Jesus Christ?
- I would love
to go there with Him.
- Okay, well that's good news
'cause we got plans
to construct a temple
of sun and sand
in honor of our love for Christ.
We're calling this place
Zion's Landing.
It's a Christian
time-share resort
on the sunny beaches of Florida.
- Whoo!
Sounds too good to be true.
- Well, pulling something
like Zion's Landing off
ain't gonna be easy now.
Lindy and I said we got
to align ourselves
with the biggest and the best.
I mean, only pure thoroughbreds.
- Whew, well, I appreciate you
seeing the Gemstones
as thoroughbreds.
That's exactly how
we see y'all too.
- We do.
- Powerful...
Christian horses-type folks.
- I mean,
we have waited a long time...
- Oh, yeah.
- To get the power from Lyle's
mama and daddy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now that we have it...
we're gonna do so many
wonderful things in His name.
- Mm-hmm.
- That is so amazing that you
say that because we're about
to get the reigns
from Jesse's daddy.
And we wanna do things
just like this.
- Well, pop the champagne.
That is wonderful news.
- Yes.
- When's your daddy planning
on stepping down?
- Well, he did...
- He didn't...
- We're...
- He hasn't really...
- We're getting him there.
- He's... he hasn't
really admitted
that the time has come.
- Yet.
- We're getting him there.
- Close.
- Mm-hmm.
Real close.
- Lyle's parents
were the same way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Same generation as Eli.
Boomers.
- Mm.
- Most selfish generation
to ever live.
- Ooh, you said it, girl.
- They won't
get the hell out of the way
even when it's God's plan.
- Okay, let's be real
with one another here.
Parents suck.
- Yeah.
- Couldn't agree more.
Parents do suck.
- Siblings too.
My sister tried to pop off
when Daddy had his stroke.
Trying to act like
she was running things.
- Just 'cause she's a nurse.
- Yeah.
I told my sister nuh-uh.
Showed force,
chased her ass out.
Got my daddy's ass
into assisted living.
- See, this is the kinda stories
I need to hear.
- Yeah.
- You gotta marginalize
your siblings.
- Mm-hmm.
- Firstborns lead the way
when parents trip.
Period.
- Firstborns.
- Both of you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Both of us.
- No.
Firstborns.
- I knew it,
I knew it, I knew it.
- I knew I liked them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can we count on your support?
Lissons and Gemstones making
Christian tourism history?
- Praise be.
- Oh!
- I'll tell you what,
you got mine and my wife's,
uh, total support.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now technically,
we are gonna have to run this
past my daddy.
- Let's bring him on down
to the project site.
- Yeah.
- Ol' Lyle can kiss
a parent's ass
like nobody's business.
I will butter Eli's balls
and toss in a side of biscuits.
- He could use
some ball-buttering.
- We'll get his approval.
So we're gonna cut
all this down.
Wipe this maritime forest
right out.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
There is a small issue
with the sea turtles.
Apparently this is a sanctuary.
They don't like bright lights
or whatever.
- That's just people
being silly.
We'll get past that.
- Ow!
- They'll get past that, Daddy.
- So we gonna put three towers
up here.
And between 'em is where
we'll have our splash zone,
adult pool, hot tubs.
- It's here?
- Yeah.
- Okay, so the hot tubs are near
where the elephants
hose down Noah's ark?
- That's right.
- God, that's smart.
- And a performance stage
on the flotilla.
Imagine preaching
with that incredible backdrop.
That ain't it sad it ain't
a painting, brother.
- No, that is no Thomas Kinkade,
Daddy.
That's the real deal
right there.
- Mm-hmm.
- God is speaking to us
in these waves.
This is his miracle.
- Mm-hmm, that's right, Amber.
God's miracle.
- Smells.
- Lot of Christians would love
to visit a place like this.
Especially
if it's all-inclusive,
top-notch restaurants,
and a kid's club.
Come on now.
- Hang on,
there's kids allowed here?
- Yeah, duh. Of course.
- I'm not coming then,
because that is an ultimate
and immediate vibe-killer.
Makes it seem dirty and cheap.
- I don't know about that.
- Kids mean bacteria. No thanks.
I'm not trying
to get bacteria on me
when I'm trying to be sexy.
- Judy, you can say that,
but I can imagine
our families here.
Helping to bring this beauty
to all Christians...
who can afford
a two-night minimum.
- Two-night min
means you on a trip.
A legit vacation.
- Nobody's doing
one-night stands here, Daddy.
Wholesome!
- Lyle...
you got a fantastic idea here.
Location's perfect.
- So what do we say? Are we in?
We gonna do this?
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah.
- But no, it's not
the right time for her.
Oh.
- Daddy, how can you say that?
You ain't even looked
at the numbers yet.
I have! They're good!
Lot of zeroes.
- I said my piece, Jesse.
- But Daddy,
this is a real good deal!
- Not your call, Jesse.
It's mine.
- No, it is... it's my call too.
- Stop showing off in front
of your friends, Jesse.
- I'm not showing off!
You are!
- What was that?
- What a grand waste of time.
- Stupid idea.
- I got sand in my shoes.
- He's here.
Come on.
- Oh, God.
Kelvin, what the fuck is this?
- Uh-oh, my mans.
Ew.
You are looking great.
- Ew.
- You are looking really good.
You looking swole.
- Gross, Kelvin.
- Party burpee!
Come on!
One more! Let's go!
- Go in the car.
I'll take care of this.
- Get low!
- I'ma talk to him.
- Okay, Chad in the back,
you gotta work on your form.
All right?
I don't wanna tell you again.
- You know we can't say no
to this.
- In our mind, in our body.
- I'm actually pretty surprised
at how bad you are being
at business right now.
- Party burpee!
- Jesse, you know damn well
the world has been upside-down.
Friends falling all around us.
Now ain't the time for growth.
It's time to...
shore up,
strengthen what we got.
- Well, I think doing
a time-share resort
with the Lissons is a hell
of a way to strengthen up.
But we can agree to disagree.
You know, this resort was
very important to Amber and I.
And being friends
with the Lissons
was also very important.
I'll tell you this much,
when I run this church,
I will not shun allies.
- When you run the church?
Don't get ahead of yourself,
boy.
- Lyle's mom and dad knew when
it was time to step aside
and let him have a shot.
Look what he's doing now.
Making beautiful
time-share resorts
in fucking paradise.
- Jesse, I'm sorry your life
didn't crack out
the way you wanted.
My apologies
for still being alive.
- Oh, you know what?
All you ever care about
is building this church.
Cared about that more than
being a daddy.
More than anything.
Even now,
when it's so painfully obvious
it's time for you
just to slow down
and let me have a crack
at things.
But you won't.
You're gonna end up
just like Granddaddy Roy.
- If you wanna start a resort
with the Lissons,
go right ahead.
Just leave me out of it!
- Wait, so I can do it?
- Do what you want!
- Peabody Award-winning
journalist Thaniel Block's
new bombshell report
describing
a salacious sex scandal
involving Detroit pastor
Makawon Butterfield.
Can't hear you.
This fucking beeping.
- Double life.
- Am I on?
- One of a beloved reverend
by day, the other,
a wife-swapping swinger
by night.
Thaniel, it's safe to say
that for evangelicals,
this is a big no-no, right?
- Yeah, particularly
for a pastor
like Reverend Butterfield,
who's been outspoken about
sexual immorality in the past.
You know, people look to him
for spiritual guidance,
often tithing 10%
of their income.
These tax-exempt churches rake
in millions of dollars a year.
- Big money.
- Yes!
And corruption is a real concern
when you're talking about
that kind of money.
This grift is as old
as Christianity itself.
Look, I've been accused
of being anti-religion.
No, I'm anti-hypocrisy.
And there are
a lot more hypocrites
in this industry.
Butterfield only begins
to scratch the surface.
- You thought you could duck me,
you high-falutin son of a bitch?
- Oh, what the hell is this?
- I followed ya.
Wasn't too hard
with that fancy truck
and that personalized plate.
- Damn it, Junior.
- Oh, so you do
remember my name.
I thought for a minute there
I was so insignificant
till you'd plum forgotten
I ever existed.
- I remember you.
Damn, we got old.
I know I look like shit,
but damn!
You look sturdy.
Still got that mass going on.
- God!
- What do you want?
- I just wanted
to see an old friend.
The older I get, the more...
sentimental I'm leaning.
Nostalgic.
And I can't help
but thinking about
when you and I worked together.
- You want money?
You gonna try to blackmail me?
Sell the story?
Let's not waste time here.
- Why y'all nervous, Eli?
Why you being all...
Weird?
- You following me,
that's weird!
Whatever it is you're trying
to pull here,
I don't got time for it.
- Come on, Eli!
Can't old friends reconnect?
- Oh...
- Man.
- I... I'm busy.
Take care.
- Man, me and my old man
watched you rise, man.
Yeah, for real.
It was wild to see you come from
where we come from
and do what you done.
My daddy was so proud of you.
He acted like he discovered you.
I don't mean to bother you.
I guess I just thought about you
probably more than you thought
about me, that's all.
Just wanted you
to know you done good!
Sorry if I spooked you!
See you around, Eli.
- You hungry?
- Siblings,
I have summoned you here today
because Amber and I have won.
Through my powers of persuasion,
I have broken Daddy down.
And now the writing
is on the wall.
That old man is on his way out,
and I am stepping into power.
Y'all back me
and I'll give you a good deal.
You'll never lead, of course.
But you will be able
to keep your homes,
your automobiles.
- Mm.
- Maintain an annual salary,
perhaps even a raise.
- Oh.
- All I ask in return
is that you kiss the ring.
- What ring?
Your ring?
My wedding ring.
You're fucking high, dude.
Like I'm gonna kiss
that smelly ass ring
that's probably been shoved
up Amber's pussy.
- Oh, it's definitely been
shoved up her pussy.
That's why kissing it
is so very cool.
Ugh!
- That... that is foul.
- Sick.
- And boy,
with all the stunts
you've pulled,
you really think
in a million years
that Daddy would trust you
to run the church?
Keep dreaming.
- Yeah.
- What do you know about
anything?
All you care about these days
is fucking muscles.
Acting like it's about God.
It's not.
It's about being self-centered
and popping boners.
- It's about being healthy.
- Okay.
- And if you're healthy
you do maintain
a proper erection.
- That's true.
- Whatever!
Accept my dominance or don't.
Doesn't matter to me.
The damn tides of time
and winds of dust
are upon us.
My reign is nigh.
- What the fuck
did you even just say, man?
- That made no sense to me.
That sounded foreign.
- That's not a phrase, dummy.
Nigh.
- You're just both a bunch
of two-bit half-rate siblings.
Damn Frank Stallone
and fucking Stephen Baldwin
over here.
- I'm Stephen Baldwin?
- Yes, you are.
- Oh.
- No, you fucking did not.
- I ain't got no time for this.
Bye, Felicia.
- Okay, no.
- What did he just say?
- Mm-mm, no!
- Did he just say "Bye, Felicia"
to me?
Yep. Why... does... what
does that mean?
Bye, Felicia.
- Jesse,
you will never run this family.
So "Bye, Felicia" to you, Jesse!
- Hey.
Who's Felicia?
- You are.
- No, you're Felicia.
- Let's just all act
like adults.
- You're Felicia.
- Well, we can act like adults
if he's Felicia
'cause I'm not fucking Felicia!
- Yeah.
- Felicia.
- No, you're Felicia!
- No, it's okay.
- You're Felicia!
- It's okay.
He's not worth it. Hey, hey.
I know,
I know you're not Felicia.
I'm Kelvin, you're Judy, okay?
- Yeah, I'm Judy.
- I know you are.
You want a snow cone?
- Mm, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, we'll get you a snow cone.
- Get what you want.
I'm buying.
Thank you.
Well, I'm going back and forth
between...
steak and the alfredo.
But since you're buying,
I'm gonna take steak.
- Get what you want.
- Eli.
Check it out
over your right shoulder.
Damn, look at that piece of tail
he's with.
Mm, mm!
- He's gonna go bone deep on her
right here
in the Sticky Steven's, Eli.
- Hey!
Y'all wanna tone down
the romance?
We got kids sitting right here.
- What, you talking to me?
- Well, just maybe show
your affection
in a more appropriate manner.
- How 'bout you suck my dick,
Gramps?
- Randall!
- Hey.
I do whatever the fuck I want,
all right?
Now eat your noodles.
Fucking go back to the movie
"Cocoon," all right?
Bye.
- Not trying to offend.
Just looking out
for the young ones.
- Fucking guy is lucky
he's still got teeth.
- Just ignore him.
I'm gonna get the mahi.
Still wrestling?
- Nah, just do
character work, mostly.
I might step in
and talk some shit, but...
No, nowadays,
I'm just promoting.
I got a stable full
of fellas I keep working.
- Good for you.
That's good.
- I wonder
what my daddy might think
about you and I being reunited.
- Well, he put us together.
He'd probably think he'd done
a pretty good job.
Picking two men with so much
to offer the world.
He'd try and take credit.
Yeah, he would.
Yeah, he would.
You know that son of a bitch
just skipped town on me one day?
Left me with nothing.
Just up and disappeared.
Disappeared.
Imagine that.
Your own daddy dislikes you
that much.
- Don't look at it that way,
Junior.
That ain't gonna help you none.
- I like to think that he made
his way down to Bolivia.
That's what he said
Butch and Sundance did.
They didn't die
like in the movie.
Nah, they got to Bolivia
and lived out their lives.
I like to think
that's what he did.
Find himself a beautiful
"in-dig-inus" senorita
and lived out his life
down there.
Yeah.
You know,
some people think I killed him.
Enough of that.
I don't need to sit here
drifting while you're...
sitting there
looking all uncomfortable.
- Nonsense.
Connecting with the past
is a powerful thing.
Let's pray, Junior.
- Oh, Eli.
No offense.
I ain't religious.
- Well, it's a good thing I am.
I'll show you what to do.
Let me see them hands.
- Okay.
Heavenly father, thank you for
bringing old friends together.
Please help Junior heal
from the past.
Even though we don't understand
why we endure the pain we do,
we trust that it is your will.
We are at your mercy.
And your mercy...
Shall redeem us.
Amen.
- Amen.
Damn.
Kinda nice.
- I ended up beating him,
so we can do the hotel with you.
We're in.
And we're also excited
to be a hotelier with you.
Lates, JG.
- Ooh, baby!
It's so fucking good!
- I'ma do an Adderall
to celebrate.
- I don't love it,
but you wrote a great email,
so I give you my bless.
What the hell?
- What?
- Where's
the littlest son we have
who's been coming on things?
- Are you boosting?
- Come on, Pontius.
I thought you were better than
this.
- Pont, you are getting lapped
right now.
- He's got the better car, so...
- Are you not using the nitrous
or something?
- I didn't know
there was nitrous, so...
- Gideon.
Come here for a second.
Just talk to you real quick.
- Sure.
- What's going on?
- Did you talk to your brother
like I asked you to?
Because I just found
this in my pens drawer.
- The fuck? Gross.
What is that?
- It's Jesse boy's delicates.
Your brother stuffed this
in my damn pens drawer!
I touched it
with my bare fingers!
- Why'd you touch it?
- Why didn't you talk to him
like I asked you to?
- I tried.
I swear to God, I tried.
I could not figure out a way
to bring it up, man.
- You wanna be a preacher,
don't you?
- Uh...
- Shut up, you do.
- Okay.
- If you're gonna be a preacher,
you gotta be able to talk
about anything, all right?
Even if it makes us
uncomfortable.
When we stop doing that...
mm-hmm.
People burn in hell.
Watch and learn.
- You want me to come in there
with you?
- Yes!
- Okay.
'Sup, sup?
Guys, little men, what's up?
- 'Sup.
- 'Sup.
- Glad you said 'sup first,
Pontius, because I need you
to take the computer goggles off
your face and exit for a moment.
- I-I'm in the middle of a game.
- I'll play your turn.
Get up right now.
Take a hike.
Don't make me say it again.
Okay,
don't make me get mad at you.
Abraham.
This chair's a trip, yo.
Do you need help?
- What did he do to it?
Did he break it?
Shit.
- You gotta...
Dad, you have to put one...
- Shh. I got it, I got it.
- Go ahead and hit pause
on the game system there, blood.
Like to rap with you
for a second if I could.
Why were your delicates crammed
in my pens drawer, Abraham?
- It's not what you think.
- Seems to me
it's exactly what I think.
It's crusty and crinkling
and discolored.
I mean, you're just
inside your room, I guess,
having nocturnal emissions
all day long, okay?
From the amount
of garments I've found
stuffed around this house,
it's very disrespectful.
Abraham,
let me ask you a question.
Do you know what really happens
when a boy...
does the stuff to himself to...
to make the come stuff
into the underwear?
When those hands of yours
touch your privates,
an alarm goes off in heaven.
Okay? And every loved one
you've ever known that's dead,
they are alerted.
They float to where you are,
they join hands,
and they watch you
be dirty to yourself.
- Like Grandma?
- Yep, she watches.
Great-granddaddy Roy.
Great-grandmama.
Even some relatives
you've never even met before
like ancient ones from
the Revolutionary War times.
Ghosts that will watch you
and be ashamed
of what you're doing
to yourself,
of how you're being dirty
and provocative
to your private parts.
You understand?
When people see you
do something bad...
it's hard for them
to see you any other way.
I want you to remember that.
- Yes, sir.
- Now are there any other...
questions you have for me?
Birds and the bees?
Morning woods, peckers,
anything that you wanna discuss
or ask me about?
- Well, there is one thing
that I'm still curious about.
Are we still doing
that hotel thing?
Yes, my son.
We are now officially hoteliers.
- Oh, Granddad said yes?
- Course he did.
He knew he couldn't stand
in my way.
Yeah, your granddaddy ain't half
the shitkicker he used to be.
- Mercy, I guess he does do
whatever he wants.
- Okay, bye.
- You have terrific tits.
- Thanks
for the cheese enchiladas.
- Cue ball, scratch
in a corner pocket.
- Bet you two queefs haven't
seen action like that in years.
Next time,
keep the comments to yourself.
- We don't want any trouble,
friend.
You made your point.
- That's what I thought, bitch!
Don't wanna run your mouth, huh?
- How dare you talk to us like
that, you big old slab of meat.
- Come on, Junior.
- No.
No, you don't know
who you're messing with.
- Jesus.
- We're from fucking Memphis,
asshole.
We stuff twinks like you
full of rocks
and sink you
in the Missi-fucking-ssippi.
You know, you're lucky...
I don't murder you
right fucking now.
Or send
some of my badass friends
to go do it... find
your fucking house,
slay your whole fucking family.
How 'bout that, asshole?
- Come on, Junior.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'ma take a photograph
of your license plate
with my telephone,
send it to my friends,
who will get your address
from the DMV, come to your house
and fuck you up,
you motherfucker!
Oh!
- Junior!
Oh, my God.
Junior! Junior!
- Hope you're wearing
your diapers, old man.
- Oh, come on.
You didn't have to do that.
- Stay down there and drool,
doggy.
- Oh, man.
Ooh, whee!
- Finish him off, Maniac.
Take him down.
Yeah!
Yeah! Do it again!
- Oh, stop, stop, stop! Please!
Please, please, please!
- Oh, yeah.
There we go!
- Stop! No, no, no, no!
Please!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Maniac Kid!
Come on, Maniac!
Stop it!
Please!
- Do it!
Yeah!
Yeah!
- Mofo.
That hurt.
Let's go.
- Come on, Maniac!
- Bring us on home.
- He brings a scrappy spirit
to the ring
that many do not survive!
It's the Atomic Drop!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- From the wrong side
of the tracks,
a newcomer to the league!
All muscle, all attitude!
Maniac Kid
with a high-flying smackdown!
Devastating, homicidal!
He's gone! Over the cameras!
It's mayhem in Memphis!
- Today's special
is Memphis Soul Stew.
- Yeah, Maniac Kid!
Damn, boy, that was
a beautiful thing to watch.
Oh, you are poetry in motion,
son.
Here, take it.
Any interest in some bonus pay?
- Yes, sir.
I'm definitely interested.
- All right, well,
you take a ride with us.
South side of town.
Juni!
You drive.
Hey, that's a nice dick, Ernie.
Good morning.
- What the fuck?
- Get a job, you bums!
- The hell's the matter
with you?
Did I raise you
to be a piece of shit
or does it just come naturally?
Asshole.
And where's your sympathy?
They just want the same thing
that everybody else wants.
A piece of the fucking pie.
- All right, Maniac,
you just follow my lead.
Remember I'm the boss.
- You ain't my boss, Junior.
- Well, yeah,
my daddy's the boss.
But technically,
that makes me above you
and if I give you an order,
you have to do it.
Isn't that right, Daddy?
- You ain't the boss of shit.
Now stop trying to be a big man.
Just put on these masks,
get in there,
and take care of business.
Asshole.
- This mask smells like shit.
And guess what. Daddy tooted.
- Yes, I did.
- Kill 'em.
Kill 'em both.
Oh, yeah.
- Crawford,
I'm not gonna tell you again.
Turn it down!
It's keeping her up.
You're making me miss this!
It's my shows, goddamn it.
Your shows...
Don't worry, Margaret.
Not everyone's as mean
as your daddy.
- Shut her up.
- Mm.
- While you keep him busy,
I'll go around
and get from behind.
- Hey!
Bring me a beer
if you're rummaging around!
This is empty.
- Who the fuck are you?
Ow!
Ow!
- I said turn the goddamn TV...
- Daddy's home!
Shh.
- You owe Glen.
- I ain't got no money!
Ah! I ain't got no money!
I'm dead broke!
- You owe Glen,
and I need that money,
and I need it now!
- Tomorrow!
Tomorrow, I can get it!
Be Christian. Lemme go!
Do it!
Please, let me go!
- Buy yourself something nice.
Yeah.
- Ah, yeah, poetry in motion.
- You're late, boy.
- Sorry, sir.
- No, go on.
Take a seat.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Where were you?
- I was out running errands.
- Errands?
- Yes, sir.
- For who?
For the Lord.
- Can it, Mary!
- Both of you... enough.
Now lead us in prayer.
- Me or her?
- I'm looking at you.
- So just say me then.
- Do it, Eli Gemstone.
- Yes, sir.
Good food, good meat,
good God, let's eat.
- I'm ashamed.
I stand before you
as an old friend
and a child of Christ.
Not the deviant sex-doer
the media paints me as.
I don't know what
my family's gonna do.
- You probably should've thought
of that before you filmed
your wife doing cunnilingus
on a woman
in a dance club bathroom.
Amen.
- Okay, Diane.
Well, what, you fixing
to pile on?
You got no compassion for me?
After how long
we known each other.
- Apparently, I didn't know you
as well as I thought I did.
Lot of revelations
in this "New York Times" piece.
Lots of deviants.
- Don't you talk deviants to me.
- Brothers, sister pastors,
Makawon wants a chance to speak.
I think we owe him that much.
- We didn't do anything illegal.
Those were private pleasures
shared with my wife.
And we didn't know we ate Molly.
We thought
they were mini SweeTarts.
Please don't kick my family
off the streaming platform, Eli.
We've always been
a loyal affiliate.
My church can't survive
in this new normal
without being on streaming.
I don't know what I'm gonna do
if we can't be on TV no more.
- It taints the whole brand.
Now what message does
that send to my congregation?
- Mak.
Now I know you feeling
'bout as low
as a bowlegged caterpillar.
But I'm with Diane.
- He says his church
is really cool with the gays
and the queers,
but not so much about
the swingers
and the thrah... thrahples.
- Damn it, Tony!
DeeDee and I are not
in a throuple with this woman!
She's a random with a lifestyle
calls her a snack.
You think this reporter's
just my problem?
He's all our problem.
He's a crusader.
An activist.
You're wrong if you don't think
he gonna come after you next.
It ain't like y'all don't have
your secrets too.
- All right, Mak.
This is not how I wanted it
to go down.
Mm.
- So that's that?
I'm gonna kill myself.
- Mak!
- Ouch.
- My legs!
Oh, my legs!
[Jay-Jay Johanson's
"So Tell the Girls
[That I Am Back in Town"]
- Hey, so... don't think
I'm not grateful 'cause I...
I totally get how generous
this is and all, really, I do.
But, um...
could I just get an apartment?
This place is kinda...
honestly, Mom, it's super gross.
Yeah, no doy it's super gross.
Granddaddy Roy died here.
Pooped and peed
all over the floors.
But that was many moons ago.
- That's right, and we've had
this place deep cleaned
multiple times.
- Right.
- Your great-granddaddy's
mansion is our gift to you
for making the right choices.
- Mm-hmm.
- You found a way to use
your movie industry
Tinseltown talents for good.
- And not just for good,
but for God.
- I mean, I'm filming sermons.
It's not quite
what I was trying to do.
- No, it's better.
- Yeah, it's better.
- Ow!
- The hell is that?
- Ah, stop it!
- Hey, Mom,
can we kick holes in the walls
in the green bathroom?
The toilet in there
doesn't even work.
- No, you may not!
- Man!
Let's go jump
on the Tempur-Pedic!
- Abraham!
- Abraham,
take that goddamn diaper
off your head!
Gideon, get up there
and straighten those boys out.
- Okay.
- And if you wouldn't mind,
please,
your mother and I would like you
to have a talk with Abraham.
- What about?
Uh...
Well, it would appear
that your baby bro
has started to jack
his little ding-a-ling.
And your mama has found
his stained jockeys
in some very odd places.
- Mm-hmm,
I think he's embarrassed.
- I... I don't understand.
- What's confusing?
He's blasting come everywhere.
And your mom found
his damn undergarments
hidden every which way
but loose.
She found a pair
of his crusty child chones
in the living room bible.
- Mm.
- And then found another pair
stuffed in the back
of the freezer
where the Dreamsicles are.
- I had two of those yesterday.
- We all enjoy the Dreamsicles.
The little dude is up
in his room
fuckin' blasting shit
behind his headboard.
Sitting there blasting one
underneath his little kid desk.
Your mom and I
are not comfortable
talking about come
with your baby brother.
- Mm-hmm.
- Load-blow convos
are more appropriate,
we believe,
coming from an older sibling
as opposed to mommies
and daddies.
- What am I supposed to say?
- I don't know.
Tell him to knock it off.
Tell him to put it
in a damn napkin and flush it
like a normal person.
- Yes.
- Don't be field micing
this shit around the house.
It's disrespectful.
- Okay.
I... I... I'll... feel it out.
Try to bring it up organically.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
- I got faith in you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Bye, guys.
- Hey, hey!
- Hey.
- Fucking love you, homie.
- Love you too.
- And I was just playing
when I said that Granddaddy Roy
pooped and peed
all over the floors.
- Okay.
- He didn't do that.
Just the master bedroom.
- I'll probably just move
into the guest bedroom
knowing that about the master.
- Yep, whatever you want.
- Okay.
- My word,
the voice of an angel.
- Daddy,
all I do is I open my mouth
and I let God do the rest.
- That's wonderful, Judy.
That's the very best thing
to do.
- The book of Matthew...
Tells of nation
rising against nation,
kingdom against kingdom.
A time of famines,
pestilence, and earthquakes.
Sound familiar?
In such scary, uncertain times,
come diseases, financial ruin,
political turmoil.
That's right, folks...
the works.
Knowing
that we could reach God...
and he will answer.
That's what we need right now!
Amen.
- Well, hold on.
Wait a second, Daddy.
Are you saying
people need Jesus's love
now more than ever?
- Duh, my brother!
We always need Jesus's love.
But especially now.
- We do need Jesus' love
now more than ever.
We are introducing
a streaming platform
where you can access
Christian programming
24/7 unlimited
whenever you need it.
We call this service GODD,
Gemstone on Digital Demand!
Whoo!
- With the launch
of G-O-Double D,
the Gemstones
have officially entered
the streaming wars.
Available on smart TVs, Roku,
Android, and Apple devices.
Son, you speaking robot?
Can we get that in English
for us older folks?
- Uh, Daddy,
I think what he's trying to say
is you can watch it
just about anywhere.
- And it is time to finally
stop the constant flood
of filth and propaganda
coming out of Hollywood.
If they're gonna fill
the airwaves 24/7
with that garbage,
we gonna do the same thing.
- Mm-hmm.
That calls for a celebration!
Who wants to sing and rejoice?
Streaming services.
Amen!
- Let's not fill up
on rolls here.
Stick to the salad bar.
Don't forget, we are
swimming laps after lunch,
so eat light.
We nourish our bodies
for His love.
Cool.
- So cool.
Excuse me, sir?
- What's up?
Dismissed.
- Will you be dining
with the men and I?
Of course not, Keefe.
I'll be above you,
upstairs with the family.
- Shall I join you?
- Oh, not appropriate.
Upstairs church lunch is only
for the family.
- See you upstairs, Kelvin.
- And... Daddy's
closest work acquaintances.
- That's okay.
- Hey,
do not take this personal.
No matter
how many disciples we gather,
you're still my number one.
All right? All right?
Oh, let me tickle
them titty meats.
See you inside.
- He said my... you...
I'll see you... inside.
- He tried to kill himself?
Oh, that is horrible.
- I just can't believe there was
nothing you could do about it.
I mean,
you couldn't just tell him
that the Butterfields
were staying in?
- Nothing I could do.
Damage had already been done.
He made his bed.
- It sounds like a lot
of people made their way
into his bed.
Oh, ha-ha, Martin.
That fucking reporter ruined
their whole life.
Like, blew up their whole deal.
I feel really sad for them.
- Don't let it distract you.
I wanna make sure
everybody is here
for the missionary seminar
next week.
- Well, Amber and myself
will unfortunately
have to take a rain check.
We have been invited
to a formal sit-down
with the Lissons.
- The Lissons?
The gorgeous preaching couple
from Texas?
- Yeah.
- What for?
- What do you mean, "What for?"
They're a successful
power Christian couple.
As are my wife and I.
Who knows what the hell
we can cook up together.
- Well, it's just weird
that they invited you
and not anybody else.
- Thank you.
- I mean, there's a lot
of successful people
in this family.
That's all I'm saying.
- If the Lissons
wanna open up a Gold's Gym,
I'll tell 'em
to give you a call.
- I imagine we were invited
'cause they probably realized,
as Daddy's faculties are...
waning and he starts
getting older and tired-er...
No offense, Daddy...
That Amber and myself
are the logical next leaders.
- Y'all are not the only
married people in this family.
Me and BJ are
also strongly betrothed
and also crushing it.
- Not a real family.
No kids.
- Ooh, ooh!
Slam. I like that one.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't got time for kids
'cause I'm trying to keep
this fresh physique fine.
I'm not trying to be
all loose and stretched out
like Amber's
played-out pastrami.
- Could you please pass
the mustard?
- Hey, do not talk
about my wife's vagina
at church lunch, do you hear me?
- It's okay, baby.
She's just jealous.
- Oh, please.
- Because her wedding
wasn't even real.
God.
That was cold.
Not letting Daddy
walk you down the aisle.
- There was not a aisle, dummy!
I don't know how many fucking
times I need to say that.
It was just, like,
a area by rides, okay?
Daddy knows.
Disney World was a thing.
It was BJ's dream wedding
destination.
So we did it Nike style, dog.
We just did it, okay?
That's how we roll.
- We're seat-of-our-pants.
We're fun kids.
We're whim babies, so...
- We meant no disrespect, Daddy.
- Ugh, Daddy.
- I just wanna know
who officiated the wedding.
Was it Donald or was it Goofy?
- Oh!
- Ooh, slice.
That was a good one.
- It was Prince Eric,
for your information.
- Thank you.
- Prince Eric?
Who the fuck is that?
The boy
from "The Little Mermaid."
- The hottest guy
in the entire Disney catalog.
- Ariel's boyfriend,
you fucking bitches.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Lord.
Y'all went down to Disney World,
didn't invite any family
to come to your wedding,
and you didn't even get
a legacy character to marry you.
- What legacy character
were we supposed to go for
that's better than Prince Eric?
- Oh, I don't know.
How 'bout Mickey Mouse?
- Man, fuck Mickey!
- Enough!
Judy, I don't want to discuss
the mermaid wedding.
- Yes, sir.
- Jesse, I'm not going anywhere.
So there's no need to start
working on who's taking over.
- Okay, I'm just saying,
you know, at your age...
it's probably never too early
to think about the future.
You know, I mean, you could be
sitting here being fine
one minute, doing church lunch
and ministering,
and the next minute you can't
even wipe your own shits.
Then the whole entire church
goes down to the caboodles
because nobody knows
who's gonna run it.
- That... that... that's
where I'm coming from.
- Well, I appreciate
your concern.
But like I said...
I'm not going anywhere.
- Well, let's just hope
my campaign plays out
a hell of a lot better
than I played that back nine.
- It's about time I took
some money off you, senator.
Since you always seem
to have your hands on mine.
Why do you think I let you win?
- Ay, Maniac Kid!
It's me.
- Sir! I'm sorry.
This is private property.
Members only.
- I'm a personal guest
of Eli Gemstone's.
Yeah, me and the man
go way back.
- I'll see you Sunday service.
- Come on.
- Get your meat hooks off me!
I will fuck you up.
Hey, I can take a hint!
Don't touch me.
Or you will regret it.
Lissons! Lissons! Lissons!
- Texas, make some noise!
My man!
- You know the words, come on!
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's go, baby.
Hey, uh, Lyle,
I think God is ready to talk.
What do you think?
- I think so too, Lindy.
Question is,
are you all ready to Lisson?
- That's good.
- Do you want it?
Yeah!
- Who wants it?
- Do you want the power
of the Holy Spirit in you?
Can't hear you now.
What, what did you say now?
Well, then all you got to do
is take it.
Take it!
Yeah, you felt that, right?
- I know I did.
- You want
the Holy Spirit right now?
Oh, yes.
- Yeah, this is awesome.
- Is this what you want?
It's what I want.
- Now, you, right there!
Take it!
Oh.
- Take it, take it,
take it, take it!
Take it, take it, take it!
Don't mind if I do. Mm.
- Look, I just wanna thank y'all
for inviting our family out here
for this little hang sesh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Gemstones rule the east.
Lissons rule the west.
Why has it taken us this long
to combine forces
and see what God can do
with this synergy?
Y'all like beach vacations?
- Live for 'em.
Waves and sunbeams.
- Yes, well, how would you like
to take a vacation
at the beach with Jesus Christ?
- I would love
to go there with Him.
- Okay, well that's good news
'cause we got plans
to construct a temple
of sun and sand
in honor of our love for Christ.
We're calling this place
Zion's Landing.
It's a Christian
time-share resort
on the sunny beaches of Florida.
- Whoo!
Sounds too good to be true.
- Well, pulling something
like Zion's Landing off
ain't gonna be easy now.
Lindy and I said we got
to align ourselves
with the biggest and the best.
I mean, only pure thoroughbreds.
- Whew, well, I appreciate you
seeing the Gemstones
as thoroughbreds.
That's exactly how
we see y'all too.
- We do.
- Powerful...
Christian horses-type folks.
- I mean,
we have waited a long time...
- Oh, yeah.
- To get the power from Lyle's
mama and daddy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now that we have it...
we're gonna do so many
wonderful things in His name.
- Mm-hmm.
- That is so amazing that you
say that because we're about
to get the reigns
from Jesse's daddy.
And we wanna do things
just like this.
- Well, pop the champagne.
That is wonderful news.
- Yes.
- When's your daddy planning
on stepping down?
- Well, he did...
- He didn't...
- We're...
- He hasn't really...
- We're getting him there.
- He's... he hasn't
really admitted
that the time has come.
- Yet.
- We're getting him there.
- Close.
- Mm-hmm.
Real close.
- Lyle's parents
were the same way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Same generation as Eli.
Boomers.
- Mm.
- Most selfish generation
to ever live.
- Ooh, you said it, girl.
- They won't
get the hell out of the way
even when it's God's plan.
- Okay, let's be real
with one another here.
Parents suck.
- Yeah.
- Couldn't agree more.
Parents do suck.
- Siblings too.
My sister tried to pop off
when Daddy had his stroke.
Trying to act like
she was running things.
- Just 'cause she's a nurse.
- Yeah.
I told my sister nuh-uh.
Showed force,
chased her ass out.
Got my daddy's ass
into assisted living.
- See, this is the kinda stories
I need to hear.
- Yeah.
- You gotta marginalize
your siblings.
- Mm-hmm.
- Firstborns lead the way
when parents trip.
Period.
- Firstborns.
- Both of you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Both of us.
- No.
Firstborns.
- I knew it,
I knew it, I knew it.
- I knew I liked them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can we count on your support?
Lissons and Gemstones making
Christian tourism history?
- Praise be.
- Oh!
- I'll tell you what,
you got mine and my wife's,
uh, total support.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now technically,
we are gonna have to run this
past my daddy.
- Let's bring him on down
to the project site.
- Yeah.
- Ol' Lyle can kiss
a parent's ass
like nobody's business.
I will butter Eli's balls
and toss in a side of biscuits.
- He could use
some ball-buttering.
- We'll get his approval.
So we're gonna cut
all this down.
Wipe this maritime forest
right out.
- Oh.
- Uh-huh.
There is a small issue
with the sea turtles.
Apparently this is a sanctuary.
They don't like bright lights
or whatever.
- That's just people
being silly.
We'll get past that.
- Ow!
- They'll get past that, Daddy.
- So we gonna put three towers
up here.
And between 'em is where
we'll have our splash zone,
adult pool, hot tubs.
- It's here?
- Yeah.
- Okay, so the hot tubs are near
where the elephants
hose down Noah's ark?
- That's right.
- God, that's smart.
- And a performance stage
on the flotilla.
Imagine preaching
with that incredible backdrop.
That ain't it sad it ain't
a painting, brother.
- No, that is no Thomas Kinkade,
Daddy.
That's the real deal
right there.
- Mm-hmm.
- God is speaking to us
in these waves.
This is his miracle.
- Mm-hmm, that's right, Amber.
God's miracle.
- Smells.
- Lot of Christians would love
to visit a place like this.
Especially
if it's all-inclusive,
top-notch restaurants,
and a kid's club.
Come on now.
- Hang on,
there's kids allowed here?
- Yeah, duh. Of course.
- I'm not coming then,
because that is an ultimate
and immediate vibe-killer.
Makes it seem dirty and cheap.
- I don't know about that.
- Kids mean bacteria. No thanks.
I'm not trying
to get bacteria on me
when I'm trying to be sexy.
- Judy, you can say that,
but I can imagine
our families here.
Helping to bring this beauty
to all Christians...
who can afford
a two-night minimum.
- Two-night min
means you on a trip.
A legit vacation.
- Nobody's doing
one-night stands here, Daddy.
Wholesome!
- Lyle...
you got a fantastic idea here.
Location's perfect.
- So what do we say? Are we in?
We gonna do this?
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah.
- But no, it's not
the right time for her.
Oh.
- Daddy, how can you say that?
You ain't even looked
at the numbers yet.
I have! They're good!
Lot of zeroes.
- I said my piece, Jesse.
- But Daddy,
this is a real good deal!
- Not your call, Jesse.
It's mine.
- No, it is... it's my call too.
- Stop showing off in front
of your friends, Jesse.
- I'm not showing off!
You are!
- What was that?
- What a grand waste of time.
- Stupid idea.
- I got sand in my shoes.
- He's here.
Come on.
- Oh, God.
Kelvin, what the fuck is this?
- Uh-oh, my mans.
Ew.
You are looking great.
- Ew.
- You are looking really good.
You looking swole.
- Gross, Kelvin.
- Party burpee!
Come on!
One more! Let's go!
- Go in the car.
I'll take care of this.
- Get low!
- I'ma talk to him.
- Okay, Chad in the back,
you gotta work on your form.
All right?
I don't wanna tell you again.
- You know we can't say no
to this.
- In our mind, in our body.
- I'm actually pretty surprised
at how bad you are being
at business right now.
- Party burpee!
- Jesse, you know damn well
the world has been upside-down.
Friends falling all around us.
Now ain't the time for growth.
It's time to...
shore up,
strengthen what we got.
- Well, I think doing
a time-share resort
with the Lissons is a hell
of a way to strengthen up.
But we can agree to disagree.
You know, this resort was
very important to Amber and I.
And being friends
with the Lissons
was also very important.
I'll tell you this much,
when I run this church,
I will not shun allies.
- When you run the church?
Don't get ahead of yourself,
boy.
- Lyle's mom and dad knew when
it was time to step aside
and let him have a shot.
Look what he's doing now.
Making beautiful
time-share resorts
in fucking paradise.
- Jesse, I'm sorry your life
didn't crack out
the way you wanted.
My apologies
for still being alive.
- Oh, you know what?
All you ever care about
is building this church.
Cared about that more than
being a daddy.
More than anything.
Even now,
when it's so painfully obvious
it's time for you
just to slow down
and let me have a crack
at things.
But you won't.
You're gonna end up
just like Granddaddy Roy.
- If you wanna start a resort
with the Lissons,
go right ahead.
Just leave me out of it!
- Wait, so I can do it?
- Do what you want!
- Peabody Award-winning
journalist Thaniel Block's
new bombshell report
describing
a salacious sex scandal
involving Detroit pastor
Makawon Butterfield.
Can't hear you.
This fucking beeping.
- Double life.
- Am I on?
- One of a beloved reverend
by day, the other,
a wife-swapping swinger
by night.
Thaniel, it's safe to say
that for evangelicals,
this is a big no-no, right?
- Yeah, particularly
for a pastor
like Reverend Butterfield,
who's been outspoken about
sexual immorality in the past.
You know, people look to him
for spiritual guidance,
often tithing 10%
of their income.
These tax-exempt churches rake
in millions of dollars a year.
- Big money.
- Yes!
And corruption is a real concern
when you're talking about
that kind of money.
This grift is as old
as Christianity itself.
Look, I've been accused
of being anti-religion.
No, I'm anti-hypocrisy.
And there are
a lot more hypocrites
in this industry.
Butterfield only begins
to scratch the surface.
- You thought you could duck me,
you high-falutin son of a bitch?
- Oh, what the hell is this?
- I followed ya.
Wasn't too hard
with that fancy truck
and that personalized plate.
- Damn it, Junior.
- Oh, so you do
remember my name.
I thought for a minute there
I was so insignificant
till you'd plum forgotten
I ever existed.
- I remember you.
Damn, we got old.
I know I look like shit,
but damn!
You look sturdy.
Still got that mass going on.
- God!
- What do you want?
- I just wanted
to see an old friend.
The older I get, the more...
sentimental I'm leaning.
Nostalgic.
And I can't help
but thinking about
when you and I worked together.
- You want money?
You gonna try to blackmail me?
Sell the story?
Let's not waste time here.
- Why y'all nervous, Eli?
Why you being all...
Weird?
- You following me,
that's weird!
Whatever it is you're trying
to pull here,
I don't got time for it.
- Come on, Eli!
Can't old friends reconnect?
- Oh...
- Man.
- I... I'm busy.
Take care.
- Man, me and my old man
watched you rise, man.
Yeah, for real.
It was wild to see you come from
where we come from
and do what you done.
My daddy was so proud of you.
He acted like he discovered you.
I don't mean to bother you.
I guess I just thought about you
probably more than you thought
about me, that's all.
Just wanted you
to know you done good!
Sorry if I spooked you!
See you around, Eli.
- You hungry?
- Siblings,
I have summoned you here today
because Amber and I have won.
Through my powers of persuasion,
I have broken Daddy down.
And now the writing
is on the wall.
That old man is on his way out,
and I am stepping into power.
Y'all back me
and I'll give you a good deal.
You'll never lead, of course.
But you will be able
to keep your homes,
your automobiles.
- Mm.
- Maintain an annual salary,
perhaps even a raise.
- Oh.
- All I ask in return
is that you kiss the ring.
- What ring?
Your ring?
My wedding ring.
You're fucking high, dude.
Like I'm gonna kiss
that smelly ass ring
that's probably been shoved
up Amber's pussy.
- Oh, it's definitely been
shoved up her pussy.
That's why kissing it
is so very cool.
Ugh!
- That... that is foul.
- Sick.
- And boy,
with all the stunts
you've pulled,
you really think
in a million years
that Daddy would trust you
to run the church?
Keep dreaming.
- Yeah.
- What do you know about
anything?
All you care about these days
is fucking muscles.
Acting like it's about God.
It's not.
It's about being self-centered
and popping boners.
- It's about being healthy.
- Okay.
- And if you're healthy
you do maintain
a proper erection.
- That's true.
- Whatever!
Accept my dominance or don't.
Doesn't matter to me.
The damn tides of time
and winds of dust
are upon us.
My reign is nigh.
- What the fuck
did you even just say, man?
- That made no sense to me.
That sounded foreign.
- That's not a phrase, dummy.
Nigh.
- You're just both a bunch
of two-bit half-rate siblings.
Damn Frank Stallone
and fucking Stephen Baldwin
over here.
- I'm Stephen Baldwin?
- Yes, you are.
- Oh.
- No, you fucking did not.
- I ain't got no time for this.
Bye, Felicia.
- Okay, no.
- What did he just say?
- Mm-mm, no!
- Did he just say "Bye, Felicia"
to me?
Yep. Why... does... what
does that mean?
Bye, Felicia.
- Jesse,
you will never run this family.
So "Bye, Felicia" to you, Jesse!
- Hey.
Who's Felicia?
- You are.
- No, you're Felicia.
- Let's just all act
like adults.
- You're Felicia.
- Well, we can act like adults
if he's Felicia
'cause I'm not fucking Felicia!
- Yeah.
- Felicia.
- No, you're Felicia!
- No, it's okay.
- You're Felicia!
- It's okay.
He's not worth it. Hey, hey.
I know,
I know you're not Felicia.
I'm Kelvin, you're Judy, okay?
- Yeah, I'm Judy.
- I know you are.
You want a snow cone?
- Mm, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, we'll get you a snow cone.
- Get what you want.
I'm buying.
Thank you.
Well, I'm going back and forth
between...
steak and the alfredo.
But since you're buying,
I'm gonna take steak.
- Get what you want.
- Eli.
Check it out
over your right shoulder.
Damn, look at that piece of tail
he's with.
Mm, mm!
- He's gonna go bone deep on her
right here
in the Sticky Steven's, Eli.
- Hey!
Y'all wanna tone down
the romance?
We got kids sitting right here.
- What, you talking to me?
- Well, just maybe show
your affection
in a more appropriate manner.
- How 'bout you suck my dick,
Gramps?
- Randall!
- Hey.
I do whatever the fuck I want,
all right?
Now eat your noodles.
Fucking go back to the movie
"Cocoon," all right?
Bye.
- Not trying to offend.
Just looking out
for the young ones.
- Fucking guy is lucky
he's still got teeth.
- Just ignore him.
I'm gonna get the mahi.
Still wrestling?
- Nah, just do
character work, mostly.
I might step in
and talk some shit, but...
No, nowadays,
I'm just promoting.
I got a stable full
of fellas I keep working.
- Good for you.
That's good.
- I wonder
what my daddy might think
about you and I being reunited.
- Well, he put us together.
He'd probably think he'd done
a pretty good job.
Picking two men with so much
to offer the world.
He'd try and take credit.
Yeah, he would.
Yeah, he would.
You know that son of a bitch
just skipped town on me one day?
Left me with nothing.
Just up and disappeared.
Disappeared.
Imagine that.
Your own daddy dislikes you
that much.
- Don't look at it that way,
Junior.
That ain't gonna help you none.
- I like to think that he made
his way down to Bolivia.
That's what he said
Butch and Sundance did.
They didn't die
like in the movie.
Nah, they got to Bolivia
and lived out their lives.
I like to think
that's what he did.
Find himself a beautiful
"in-dig-inus" senorita
and lived out his life
down there.
Yeah.
You know,
some people think I killed him.
Enough of that.
I don't need to sit here
drifting while you're...
sitting there
looking all uncomfortable.
- Nonsense.
Connecting with the past
is a powerful thing.
Let's pray, Junior.
- Oh, Eli.
No offense.
I ain't religious.
- Well, it's a good thing I am.
I'll show you what to do.
Let me see them hands.
- Okay.
Heavenly father, thank you for
bringing old friends together.
Please help Junior heal
from the past.
Even though we don't understand
why we endure the pain we do,
we trust that it is your will.
We are at your mercy.
And your mercy...
Shall redeem us.
Amen.
- Amen.
Damn.
Kinda nice.
- I ended up beating him,
so we can do the hotel with you.
We're in.
And we're also excited
to be a hotelier with you.
Lates, JG.
- Ooh, baby!
It's so fucking good!
- I'ma do an Adderall
to celebrate.
- I don't love it,
but you wrote a great email,
so I give you my bless.
What the hell?
- What?
- Where's
the littlest son we have
who's been coming on things?
- Are you boosting?
- Come on, Pontius.
I thought you were better than
this.
- Pont, you are getting lapped
right now.
- He's got the better car, so...
- Are you not using the nitrous
or something?
- I didn't know
there was nitrous, so...
- Gideon.
Come here for a second.
Just talk to you real quick.
- Sure.
- What's going on?
- Did you talk to your brother
like I asked you to?
Because I just found
this in my pens drawer.
- The fuck? Gross.
What is that?
- It's Jesse boy's delicates.
Your brother stuffed this
in my damn pens drawer!
I touched it
with my bare fingers!
- Why'd you touch it?
- Why didn't you talk to him
like I asked you to?
- I tried.
I swear to God, I tried.
I could not figure out a way
to bring it up, man.
- You wanna be a preacher,
don't you?
- Uh...
- Shut up, you do.
- Okay.
- If you're gonna be a preacher,
you gotta be able to talk
about anything, all right?
Even if it makes us
uncomfortable.
When we stop doing that...
mm-hmm.
People burn in hell.
Watch and learn.
- You want me to come in there
with you?
- Yes!
- Okay.
'Sup, sup?
Guys, little men, what's up?
- 'Sup.
- 'Sup.
- Glad you said 'sup first,
Pontius, because I need you
to take the computer goggles off
your face and exit for a moment.
- I-I'm in the middle of a game.
- I'll play your turn.
Get up right now.
Take a hike.
Don't make me say it again.
Okay,
don't make me get mad at you.
Abraham.
This chair's a trip, yo.
Do you need help?
- What did he do to it?
Did he break it?
Shit.
- You gotta...
Dad, you have to put one...
- Shh. I got it, I got it.
- Go ahead and hit pause
on the game system there, blood.
Like to rap with you
for a second if I could.
Why were your delicates crammed
in my pens drawer, Abraham?
- It's not what you think.
- Seems to me
it's exactly what I think.
It's crusty and crinkling
and discolored.
I mean, you're just
inside your room, I guess,
having nocturnal emissions
all day long, okay?
From the amount
of garments I've found
stuffed around this house,
it's very disrespectful.
Abraham,
let me ask you a question.
Do you know what really happens
when a boy...
does the stuff to himself to...
to make the come stuff
into the underwear?
When those hands of yours
touch your privates,
an alarm goes off in heaven.
Okay? And every loved one
you've ever known that's dead,
they are alerted.
They float to where you are,
they join hands,
and they watch you
be dirty to yourself.
- Like Grandma?
- Yep, she watches.
Great-granddaddy Roy.
Great-grandmama.
Even some relatives
you've never even met before
like ancient ones from
the Revolutionary War times.
Ghosts that will watch you
and be ashamed
of what you're doing
to yourself,
of how you're being dirty
and provocative
to your private parts.
You understand?
When people see you
do something bad...
it's hard for them
to see you any other way.
I want you to remember that.
- Yes, sir.
- Now are there any other...
questions you have for me?
Birds and the bees?
Morning woods, peckers,
anything that you wanna discuss
or ask me about?
- Well, there is one thing
that I'm still curious about.
Are we still doing
that hotel thing?
Yes, my son.
We are now officially hoteliers.
- Oh, Granddad said yes?
- Course he did.
He knew he couldn't stand
in my way.
Yeah, your granddaddy ain't half
the shitkicker he used to be.
- Mercy, I guess he does do
whatever he wants.
- Okay, bye.
- You have terrific tits.
- Thanks
for the cheese enchiladas.
- Cue ball, scratch
in a corner pocket.
- Bet you two queefs haven't
seen action like that in years.
Next time,
keep the comments to yourself.
- We don't want any trouble,
friend.
You made your point.
- That's what I thought, bitch!
Don't wanna run your mouth, huh?
- How dare you talk to us like
that, you big old slab of meat.
- Come on, Junior.
- No.
No, you don't know
who you're messing with.
- Jesus.
- We're from fucking Memphis,
asshole.
We stuff twinks like you
full of rocks
and sink you
in the Missi-fucking-ssippi.
You know, you're lucky...
I don't murder you
right fucking now.
Or send
some of my badass friends
to go do it... find
your fucking house,
slay your whole fucking family.
How 'bout that, asshole?
- Come on, Junior.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'ma take a photograph
of your license plate
with my telephone,
send it to my friends,
who will get your address
from the DMV, come to your house
and fuck you up,
you motherfucker!
Oh!
- Junior!
Oh, my God.
Junior! Junior!
- Hope you're wearing
your diapers, old man.
- Oh, come on.
You didn't have to do that.
- Stay down there and drool,
doggy.
- Oh, man.
Ooh, whee!
- Finish him off, Maniac.
Take him down.
Yeah!
Yeah! Do it again!
- Oh, stop, stop, stop! Please!
Please, please, please!
- Oh, yeah.
There we go!
- Stop! No, no, no, no!
Please!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Maniac Kid!
Come on, Maniac!
Stop it!
Please!
- Do it!
Yeah!
Yeah!
- Mofo.
That hurt.
Let's go.