The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 3, Episode 7 - Ren's Retirement - full transcript
Ren's feeling fine on his 10th birthday until Stimpy reminds him that he's 70 years old in "dog years". Ren prepares for death with a will, a fake funeral, and the search for the perfect coffin.
Sort of Mano y Mano ?
That's why I'm
standing here, son.
Well, I want to pop
the question to muffy Joe,
and gosh, I--
hold it, I know what
you're going to ask.
You want to know
how to break the ice,
so to speak.
Take it from me, son,
nothing puts a woman
into a romantic mood
better than a premium magnum
of fresh cloudy dog water.
( announcer )
Yes, dog water.
Bottled in the swish alps,
is made from only the finest
purebred dog saliva.
Now let's peek in and see
if dad's advice is working
for our bashful bridegroom.
Uh, sweetheart, I, um,
got something to ask you.
Yes, darling ?
Ahem, uh, um,
would you marry me ?
Well, I--
ahem.
Votre l'eau De chien--
pardon,
your dog water, sir.
Huh ?
( laughing )
Good timing, waiter.
So, honey,
what do you say ?
I say yes to dog water.
( glug glug glug )
Woof woof woof.
Arf arf arf.
Bark bark.
Bow wow wow.
Yes, dog water.
Whether it's getting together
with old friends,
or making new ones,
the sporting life,
or just having fun,
don't settle for just
any ordinary dog fluid.
Always demand the best.
Dog water,
and new dog water lite.
Oh, it's almost done.
Goody, goody,
goody.
I just love
making things for Ren.
Hee hee hee hee hee.
Glag glag
glag glag.
( chopping wood )
♪ Yo ho, yo ho, it's
the manly life for me ♪
well, I just ran 20 miles
and chopped
enough wood
to last us for
the rest of the year.
And I'm not even winded.
Very impressive.
Yes, sir, I'm in
the prime of my life.
So you feel great, Ren ?
Yep, couldn't be
better, little buddy.
Do you feel really great ?
Yeah, yeah.
I said so, didn't I ?
( brakes slamming )
( car crashes )
Help, save my kidneys !
( spit )
Ohh...
( groaning )
Aah !
( fireworks rising )
( ding )
Yes, sir, feel
pretty darn good.
Well, I'm gonna make you
feel even better !
How can you make me feel
any better than I do now ?
What are you up to ?
It's your birthday.
Happy,
happity birthyday.
Woof, woof.
Bark, bark,
meow, beep, beep.
( bang )
Oh, Stimpy,
you're too good to me.
You're 10 years old.
That's 70 in dog years.
Did-- did you say 70 ?
I can't be that old.
Well, aren't you gonna
eat your cake, grandpa ?
( muffled )
Oh, well.
He's right, I'm 70 years old.
70 years old.
70 years old.
70 years old !
Aah !
Stimpy, I'm too young
to be old already !
There, there, now.
Dry those
bloodshot eyes.
Remember, Ren, you're
only as young as you feel.
Besides, you look great
for a man of your years.
Really, you think so ?
Hey, you're right,
Stimpy.
Being old is really
only in your head.
Hey, Ren, looky, you got
a gray hair on your head.
In fact,
all three of your hairs
have gone totally gray.
Oh, no, it's true.
I'm nothing
but a crusty old coot.
And I'm getting older
by the second.
I-- I can feel it.
Ahh, my leg.
( gasp )
Fallen arches !
( burp )
Hey, Ren, what's wrong
with your skin ?
It's lookin' all
kind of baggy, saggy.
( bowling pins
knocked down )
My skin.
It's lost
all its elasticity.
Uhhhl !
( burp )
Ahh, too much cake.
Oh, cruel fate !
What is this heinous trick
thou hast played upon me ?
( gasp )
My hands.
Look at my hands.
Liver spots !
Ohh...
( burp )
My ear canal hair growing
at a fantastic rate.
( bubbling )
Rraaawhl !
Quick, Stimpy,
get me a mirror.
( garbled )
Okay.
( gasp )
Yike !
I can't stand it.
No, no, no.
Take it away.
Ohh, my youth, it is gone.
What are you lookin' at ?
This is your fault.
Ehh.
( creaking )
I'm even too old
to smack Stimpy.
( sobbing )
I have to face facts.
It's time for me to retire
with grace...
and dignity.
Come on, old friend,
open up the hangar.
Here comes
a blue airplane.
( making
airplane noises )
Pilot to bombardier.
Pilot to bombardier.
Prepare to open
Bombay doors.
( making
airplane noises )
( imitating
machine gun fire )
What ?
Take cover.
( glup )
Look out, sniper fire.
( glup )
My helmet.
We're surrounded
by krauts.
( imitating
machine gun fire )
How do you like
them apples ?
You lousy rotten--
( blaff )
( burp )
Huh ?
( laughing )
That's funny.
You look just like the Kai--
the Kai--
yes, you are the kaiser !
You one-horned devil,
you.
So it's up to me to save
the free world, is it ?
This is for the boys
who didn't make it !
For Manny, Moe, and jack !
Now, Ren, you know
it's not polite to choke.
Go ahead, man.
Right here, finish it.
A bullet in the brain.
There, there, old paint.
You don't want to
overtire yourself again.
Besides, it's 6 P.M.
Way past your bedtime.
It's time for all
good little geezers
to go beddy-bye.
Mmm-mwah.
Yes, sir, Ren, what you need
is fresh air and exercise.
You know, golf is
a great old-man game, Ren.
Watch me, I'll show you how.
Ally-ally oxen free !
♪ Dee Da Dee Da Dee Dee Dee ♪
yow !
A line drive.
Here, you try it, Ren.
Say, that's a right nice
wee clubber
ye got there, grandpa.
Aye, but ye canna play
a proper round of golf
with only one club.
I'll tell you what,
you can have
all of my clubs !
Arrggr !
There ye go.
Goodbye, now.
( garbled )
Goodbye.
Geronimo !
Wow, it's the most peaceful,
beautiful, serene place
I've ever seen.
It's all so clear to me now.
This is where I belong.
Oh, what do you think, buddy ?
I'm with you, pal.
And what can we do
for you, Mr. Hoek ?
You can kiss my kidney stones,
that's what you can do !
Mr. Hoek would like to be
fitted for a coffin, please.
Oh, splendid.
And just how much money
are we spending
on our merely departed
Mr. Hoek ?
Hmmm ?
5 bucks.
I'll get my associate,
Mr. Kowalski, to assist you.
Oh, Mr. Kowalski,
meat !
( loud footsteps )
Show Mr. Shmoick
our $5.00 special.
Aah !
First we roll you up
in a newspaper,
and chuck you
from a speeding car.
I think
we want something
a little
more traditional.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I understand perfectly.
Our cheapest coffin,
señor Kowalski.
Umm...
ahh !
( whimpering )
Say, that looks
mighty cozy.
Well, Mr. Hoek ?
You !
Don't you know
who I am ?
I'm Ren Hoek,
Hollywood bigshot.
Gimme the best
you've got !
Okay, okay.
Show him, Mr. Kowalski.
I give you the intermo
grand deluxe 3000.
Just because you're dead
doesn't mean you can't
live like a king.
Wow !
Give Mr. Hoek a closer
look, Mr. Kowalski.
Man, oh, man, it's beautiful.
It's got all
the comforts of home:
central air, cable Tv, jacuzzi,
stereo hi fi, the works.
I'll take it.
Hey, hey, quit shovin'.
I know we're I'm goin'.
( grumbling )
Pushin' people around...
miserable...
and don't make me
come after you, ya punk !
Eat punks like him
for breakfast.
Ah, well,
wh-What do we have here ?
All right, let's
get this shindig started !
Well, who's givin' away
this beautiful young lady ?
( loud sobbing )
Rain in octember ?
Ah, marriage.
Now, you take my wife,
for instance.
Huh, what ?
( whispering )
Ooh, what, dead ?
Dead ?
Oh, somebody's dead.
( choking )
Oh, my lord, what--
what a silly little mixup.
Death, a subject
I'm well acquainted with.
Planted every last friend
I've had.
I outlived 'em all !
Ren !
Ren !
I can't go on
without you !
Don't go !
Shut up !
I can't hear myself die.
Please let me be
buried alive with you !
I don't know.
Oh, all right.
We've been together
this long.
Joy !
Just let me
get a few things.
Okay,
but make it snappy.
I left the water in
the jacuzzi running.
( doorbell rings )
Stimpy, see who that is.
And no more salesmen.
Hiya, neighbor.
Worm's the name.
Thought I'd
drop by for dinner.
Heh heh heh.
What ?
I like
to know my neighbors,
really get inside 'em,
figure out
what makes 'em tick.
Heh heh heh heh.
Boy, you guys
have been great.
( burp )
Well, gotta go.
Places to see,
people to eat.
Heh heh heh.
See ya later.
Such a nice worm.
Sh-sh-shut up.
( rooster crows )
( ding )
Waa.
Gee, dad,
will you play with me ?
Why, dear, daddy's busy
eating his beef tallow.
Why don't you just play
with your lucky choads ?
Hmm, I wish billy
the beef tallow boy
was a real friend
that I could play with.
I'm billy the beef tallow boy,
that's true.
I'll coat your veins
with impenetrable goo.
Wow !
Now I have a real friend
to play with.
What do you want to do
first, billy ?
There's really only
one thing I can do,
and that's deep fry !
Okay, let's.
♪ Hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry daddy's shirt ? ♪
♪ Hey, no problem,
I'll give it the works ♪
( chorus )
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's gonna eat
the whole darn snack ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy,
can you deep fry my shoes ? ♪
♪ Hey, no problem,
got nothing to lose ♪
♪ what d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's chokin' back
another snack ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry the phone ? ♪
Leave us a message
when you hear the tone.
♪ What d'ya know,
man, oh, man ♪
♪ I'd hate to be around
when he goes to the can ♪
( telephone rings )
♪ Hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry his teeth ? ♪
They taste like teeth.
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ your old dad's
gettin' really fat ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry the Buick ? ♪
Well, all right, but
he'll probably Pu-ick.
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's still hungry ♪
♪ he just
keeps eating ♪
♪ look at dad go ♪
♪ havin' another snack ♪
( wheezing )
Well, I see my
job here is done,
and I'm needed elsewhere.
So I bid you all
a frying farewell.
Dooie, dooie, dooie, dooie !
Thanks for everything,
billy, the beef tallow boy.
You're the best friend
a kid could ever have.
That's why I'm
standing here, son.
Well, I want to pop
the question to muffy Joe,
and gosh, I--
hold it, I know what
you're going to ask.
You want to know
how to break the ice,
so to speak.
Take it from me, son,
nothing puts a woman
into a romantic mood
better than a premium magnum
of fresh cloudy dog water.
( announcer )
Yes, dog water.
Bottled in the swish alps,
is made from only the finest
purebred dog saliva.
Now let's peek in and see
if dad's advice is working
for our bashful bridegroom.
Uh, sweetheart, I, um,
got something to ask you.
Yes, darling ?
Ahem, uh, um,
would you marry me ?
Well, I--
ahem.
Votre l'eau De chien--
pardon,
your dog water, sir.
Huh ?
( laughing )
Good timing, waiter.
So, honey,
what do you say ?
I say yes to dog water.
( glug glug glug )
Woof woof woof.
Arf arf arf.
Bark bark.
Bow wow wow.
Yes, dog water.
Whether it's getting together
with old friends,
or making new ones,
the sporting life,
or just having fun,
don't settle for just
any ordinary dog fluid.
Always demand the best.
Dog water,
and new dog water lite.
Oh, it's almost done.
Goody, goody,
goody.
I just love
making things for Ren.
Hee hee hee hee hee.
Glag glag
glag glag.
( chopping wood )
♪ Yo ho, yo ho, it's
the manly life for me ♪
well, I just ran 20 miles
and chopped
enough wood
to last us for
the rest of the year.
And I'm not even winded.
Very impressive.
Yes, sir, I'm in
the prime of my life.
So you feel great, Ren ?
Yep, couldn't be
better, little buddy.
Do you feel really great ?
Yeah, yeah.
I said so, didn't I ?
( brakes slamming )
( car crashes )
Help, save my kidneys !
( spit )
Ohh...
( groaning )
Aah !
( fireworks rising )
( ding )
Yes, sir, feel
pretty darn good.
Well, I'm gonna make you
feel even better !
How can you make me feel
any better than I do now ?
What are you up to ?
It's your birthday.
Happy,
happity birthyday.
Woof, woof.
Bark, bark,
meow, beep, beep.
( bang )
Oh, Stimpy,
you're too good to me.
You're 10 years old.
That's 70 in dog years.
Did-- did you say 70 ?
I can't be that old.
Well, aren't you gonna
eat your cake, grandpa ?
( muffled )
Oh, well.
He's right, I'm 70 years old.
70 years old.
70 years old.
70 years old !
Aah !
Stimpy, I'm too young
to be old already !
There, there, now.
Dry those
bloodshot eyes.
Remember, Ren, you're
only as young as you feel.
Besides, you look great
for a man of your years.
Really, you think so ?
Hey, you're right,
Stimpy.
Being old is really
only in your head.
Hey, Ren, looky, you got
a gray hair on your head.
In fact,
all three of your hairs
have gone totally gray.
Oh, no, it's true.
I'm nothing
but a crusty old coot.
And I'm getting older
by the second.
I-- I can feel it.
Ahh, my leg.
( gasp )
Fallen arches !
( burp )
Hey, Ren, what's wrong
with your skin ?
It's lookin' all
kind of baggy, saggy.
( bowling pins
knocked down )
My skin.
It's lost
all its elasticity.
Uhhhl !
( burp )
Ahh, too much cake.
Oh, cruel fate !
What is this heinous trick
thou hast played upon me ?
( gasp )
My hands.
Look at my hands.
Liver spots !
Ohh...
( burp )
My ear canal hair growing
at a fantastic rate.
( bubbling )
Rraaawhl !
Quick, Stimpy,
get me a mirror.
( garbled )
Okay.
( gasp )
Yike !
I can't stand it.
No, no, no.
Take it away.
Ohh, my youth, it is gone.
What are you lookin' at ?
This is your fault.
Ehh.
( creaking )
I'm even too old
to smack Stimpy.
( sobbing )
I have to face facts.
It's time for me to retire
with grace...
and dignity.
Come on, old friend,
open up the hangar.
Here comes
a blue airplane.
( making
airplane noises )
Pilot to bombardier.
Pilot to bombardier.
Prepare to open
Bombay doors.
( making
airplane noises )
( imitating
machine gun fire )
What ?
Take cover.
( glup )
Look out, sniper fire.
( glup )
My helmet.
We're surrounded
by krauts.
( imitating
machine gun fire )
How do you like
them apples ?
You lousy rotten--
( blaff )
( burp )
Huh ?
( laughing )
That's funny.
You look just like the Kai--
the Kai--
yes, you are the kaiser !
You one-horned devil,
you.
So it's up to me to save
the free world, is it ?
This is for the boys
who didn't make it !
For Manny, Moe, and jack !
Now, Ren, you know
it's not polite to choke.
Go ahead, man.
Right here, finish it.
A bullet in the brain.
There, there, old paint.
You don't want to
overtire yourself again.
Besides, it's 6 P.M.
Way past your bedtime.
It's time for all
good little geezers
to go beddy-bye.
Mmm-mwah.
Yes, sir, Ren, what you need
is fresh air and exercise.
You know, golf is
a great old-man game, Ren.
Watch me, I'll show you how.
Ally-ally oxen free !
♪ Dee Da Dee Da Dee Dee Dee ♪
yow !
A line drive.
Here, you try it, Ren.
Say, that's a right nice
wee clubber
ye got there, grandpa.
Aye, but ye canna play
a proper round of golf
with only one club.
I'll tell you what,
you can have
all of my clubs !
Arrggr !
There ye go.
Goodbye, now.
( garbled )
Goodbye.
Geronimo !
Wow, it's the most peaceful,
beautiful, serene place
I've ever seen.
It's all so clear to me now.
This is where I belong.
Oh, what do you think, buddy ?
I'm with you, pal.
And what can we do
for you, Mr. Hoek ?
You can kiss my kidney stones,
that's what you can do !
Mr. Hoek would like to be
fitted for a coffin, please.
Oh, splendid.
And just how much money
are we spending
on our merely departed
Mr. Hoek ?
Hmmm ?
5 bucks.
I'll get my associate,
Mr. Kowalski, to assist you.
Oh, Mr. Kowalski,
meat !
( loud footsteps )
Show Mr. Shmoick
our $5.00 special.
Aah !
First we roll you up
in a newspaper,
and chuck you
from a speeding car.
I think
we want something
a little
more traditional.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I understand perfectly.
Our cheapest coffin,
señor Kowalski.
Umm...
ahh !
( whimpering )
Say, that looks
mighty cozy.
Well, Mr. Hoek ?
You !
Don't you know
who I am ?
I'm Ren Hoek,
Hollywood bigshot.
Gimme the best
you've got !
Okay, okay.
Show him, Mr. Kowalski.
I give you the intermo
grand deluxe 3000.
Just because you're dead
doesn't mean you can't
live like a king.
Wow !
Give Mr. Hoek a closer
look, Mr. Kowalski.
Man, oh, man, it's beautiful.
It's got all
the comforts of home:
central air, cable Tv, jacuzzi,
stereo hi fi, the works.
I'll take it.
Hey, hey, quit shovin'.
I know we're I'm goin'.
( grumbling )
Pushin' people around...
miserable...
and don't make me
come after you, ya punk !
Eat punks like him
for breakfast.
Ah, well,
wh-What do we have here ?
All right, let's
get this shindig started !
Well, who's givin' away
this beautiful young lady ?
( loud sobbing )
Rain in octember ?
Ah, marriage.
Now, you take my wife,
for instance.
Huh, what ?
( whispering )
Ooh, what, dead ?
Dead ?
Oh, somebody's dead.
( choking )
Oh, my lord, what--
what a silly little mixup.
Death, a subject
I'm well acquainted with.
Planted every last friend
I've had.
I outlived 'em all !
Ren !
Ren !
I can't go on
without you !
Don't go !
Shut up !
I can't hear myself die.
Please let me be
buried alive with you !
I don't know.
Oh, all right.
We've been together
this long.
Joy !
Just let me
get a few things.
Okay,
but make it snappy.
I left the water in
the jacuzzi running.
( doorbell rings )
Stimpy, see who that is.
And no more salesmen.
Hiya, neighbor.
Worm's the name.
Thought I'd
drop by for dinner.
Heh heh heh.
What ?
I like
to know my neighbors,
really get inside 'em,
figure out
what makes 'em tick.
Heh heh heh heh.
Boy, you guys
have been great.
( burp )
Well, gotta go.
Places to see,
people to eat.
Heh heh heh.
See ya later.
Such a nice worm.
Sh-sh-shut up.
( rooster crows )
( ding )
Waa.
Gee, dad,
will you play with me ?
Why, dear, daddy's busy
eating his beef tallow.
Why don't you just play
with your lucky choads ?
Hmm, I wish billy
the beef tallow boy
was a real friend
that I could play with.
I'm billy the beef tallow boy,
that's true.
I'll coat your veins
with impenetrable goo.
Wow !
Now I have a real friend
to play with.
What do you want to do
first, billy ?
There's really only
one thing I can do,
and that's deep fry !
Okay, let's.
♪ Hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry daddy's shirt ? ♪
♪ Hey, no problem,
I'll give it the works ♪
( chorus )
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's gonna eat
the whole darn snack ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy,
can you deep fry my shoes ? ♪
♪ Hey, no problem,
got nothing to lose ♪
♪ what d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's chokin' back
another snack ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry the phone ? ♪
Leave us a message
when you hear the tone.
♪ What d'ya know,
man, oh, man ♪
♪ I'd hate to be around
when he goes to the can ♪
( telephone rings )
♪ Hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry his teeth ? ♪
They taste like teeth.
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ your old dad's
gettin' really fat ♪
♪ hey, hey, billy, can you
deep fry the Buick ? ♪
Well, all right, but
he'll probably Pu-ick.
♪ What d'ya know,
look at that ♪
♪ dad's still hungry ♪
♪ he just
keeps eating ♪
♪ look at dad go ♪
♪ havin' another snack ♪
( wheezing )
Well, I see my
job here is done,
and I'm needed elsewhere.
So I bid you all
a frying farewell.
Dooie, dooie, dooie, dooie !
Thanks for everything,
billy, the beef tallow boy.
You're the best friend
a kid could ever have.