The Reluctant Landlord (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Win, Lose or Brewery - full transcript

# Ah, the day seems slow,
but the years go fast

.

# One, two

# Ah, the day seems slow,
but the years go fast

# Could you please pour
another drink in my glass?

# I think I need a drink tonight

# If only the landlord
could fix it right

# Why's he looking so reluctant?

# Like he doesn't want the custom?

# Why do you run a pub, then?

# I need time away,
but I never go far



# Best friends are these guys here
propping up the bar

# Working for the family I love,
but the day's been long

# Could you please pour me
another drink, Rom?

# If only the landlord
could fix it right #

I don't want
to go and live at Nana's house.

She makes us eat lentils every day.

Yeah, and they make your mum gassy.

It won't be for long,
like we're visiting.

Then why do we have
to take all our stuff?

Because...

once we've finished visiting
Grandma, we're gonna be moving into

an amazing new place
that your dad's gonna sort out.

I actually wonder if it might be
cheaper just to buy a plot of land,

and then build
something from scratch.



Who's gonna build it?
I can build stuff.

I built that table.
It took you a whole day,

and one of the legs
faces the wrong way.

The instructions weren't clear.
The pictures were all misleading.

We're not building a new house,
and I want to be out of your mum's
by next week.

Hello. Jamesie!

Hello, mate!
Yeah, no, thanks for calling back.

I was actually calling to see
if you've got any jobs going.

Yeah... Well, I realised I prefer
working over there with you idiots!

Right, OK. Well, let me know
if anything comes up, won't you?

We're doing something here tonight,
actually, if you're interested.

A little bit of a send-off.

It's our last night at the pub,
so we're doing a kind of
open-mike night type thing.

Right, yeah.

No, of course. Of course, mate.
I get it.

All right, nice one.

See you later, Jamesie.

I hate that guy.

Surely you don't want
to go back into...

What did you even do?

Pensions analyst.
It's an easy job, isn't it?

You hated it.
You're supposed to hate work.

It gives you something to talk about
with your colleagues.

So find a new place
to hate working in.

I was gonna shoot the mix tape
over to a couple of labels,
so you never know.

Speaking of lost causes, I'm gonna
get some people in the office
to look over the brewery contract.

There must be something
they can pull 'em up on.

I'll leave you guys
in charge of that side of things.

You concentrate on
taking over the music industry.

Well, I could do both -
lay down a little disc track

about the brewery
unfairly pulling the licence.

Five percent of you is actually
hoping I take you up on that.

Oh, it is much higher than 5%.
Hmm...

# This is the last time

I don't blame you.
Why are you saying that?

I wasn't even thinking that.
What were you thinking?

I was actually wondering
how much Deliveroo drivers get paid.

They get to be their own boss,
don't they?

I've got a friend
who runs a food stall.

Maybe he could get you a few shifts.
Er, what food is it?

Wraps.

No, I don't like wraps.
They're pretentious.

How are wraps pretentious?

They are a bit pretentious.

Have a bloody sandwich!

All right, well, go to Greggs, then.

The only jobs you're good at
are blow jobs probably!

Have you been sat here the whole time
trying to think of that?!

You don't know you're good at them
till you start giving them out.

Stop talking about me giving blow
jobs! Times aren't that hard yet.

How's Natasha? Is she annoyed
about you having to move out?

Er, yes. That is fair to say.

I also overheard her earlier

explaining to the kids
that Daddy's not a failure.

So she's having a great time.

And hand jobs as well,
probably good at that.

You're literally two conversations
behind, aren't you, mate?

Steve,
you've not been here for months.

Are you here
to gloat that we're closing?

No, mate. I'm here to support.
I'm gonna do a comedy set later.

Why? Out of your mates,
you're the funny one,

cos you get the most drunk and make
the biggest twat out of yourself.

You're not actually funny.
We'll see tonight, won't we?

You should do a stand-up set
as well,

and we'll see
who gets the most laughs.

I'm not a stand-up, I'm a musician.

Stand-up is for people who love
the sound of their own voice.

Better than
the sound of your shit music.

I'm not doing my music.
It's the wrong crowd.

You should perform your music.
The regulars'd love it.

No, I need to get on with
the job hunt, plus I don't know

how many of the regulars
are into old-school hip hop.

Is anyone into that any more?

I always preferred
East Coast boom bap

to all the mumble rap
everyone's doing these days.

Rim jobs -

that's a job he could get! (CACKLES)

How is that even an insult? You're
just saying I could get a rim job!

(WHEEZY LAUGH)

You're an idiot.

Aw, thanks for letting us stay.

It won't be for long, honestly.

Darling, you can stay here
for as long as you want.

I know it's very hard for you.
Romesh has ruined your life.

It'll take you a few months, maybe
a year, to find the right place.

No, no, no...er...

we're gonna find somewhere
pretty quickly, I think.

Yeah, Rom's looking into it.

Romesh is not capable.

Don't worry.
I will look after the family now.

I've bought
lots of lentils and potatoes. Oh...

It's a little trick now that
you're falling on the hard times.

(POLITE LAUGH) Thank you.

We don't need to unpack everything.

Oh, these are very nice pans.

I think actually
YOU bought them for us.

Ah, that explains it.
I've got very good taste!

Erm, listen, maybe
we should just leave them in there.

Otherwise they might get mixed up
with your stuff, and then, well...

(SOBS)

I feel like I'm let down.

No, you're not let down.

No, I'VE been let down
by you and Romesh.

Oh, right.

And now it's up to me
to make it all better.

Don't worry.

I'm here.

I just have to be strong.

Yeah...

We all do.

# ELECTRO BEATS

(MUSIC OFF)

Your mum is losing her mind.

We cannot stay there.

What are you doing?

Looking through
these bloody job pages.

Can you come and help me, please?

Yes, OK.

And pack all that crap up as well.

I was going to leave the studio out
for a little bit.

Erm...

do you think
it might be nice for the locals

if I did a little thing tonight?

Tottenham Steve's doing comedy.
I can't be worse than him.

Do your Chris Eubank impression.
That's really funny.

No, I'm not doing comedy.
Are you sure about that?

With your little button pad?

It's called an MPC,
and it's what Kanye West uses.

He also uses antidepressants,
which is what I'm gonna need

if you don't find us a place
to live away from your mum.

(SIGHS)

Do you have any small towels?
Probably, but I don't know where.

And nail clippers - do you have?

This isn't a car-boot sale.

If you're gonna stay in my house,
you'll have to contribute.

Mum, I'm not sharing nail clippers
with you.

It's rank and weird.

Oh, God...

Mm...

They look like they've dissolved.

Where are WE sleeping?

Through there.

Wow!

Less than a week, I promise.

Two, two!

(GRUNTS)

Feeling all right, mate?

Yes!

I've been thinking that tonight
you'll be pouring
your last ever pint.

Er, I'm not gonna die tonight.

Die on stage probably!

The only person dying on stage
tonight is YOU...

and potentially Colin.

You got your notes
tattooed onto your palm?

I don't need notes, mate.

I've memorised my entire set.
Even better,

cos you relying on your brain power
is exactly what I want.

What are you relying on? A backing
CD that you can mime along to?

I'm not rapping
and I'm definitely not miming.

I'll be relying on years
of honing my craft as a producer.

Honing your craft
watching Pornhub more like!

(WHEEZY LAUGH)

Jesus Christ!

Oh, Julie, can I have a quick word?
Mm-hm.

Look, Julie, I just wanted you to
know that none of this is your fault.

I know.
I know you're gonna say that,

but it really isn't.
No, I really know.

You don't have to worry about me,
Rom.

You don't even have a fixed address.
(SIGHS)

Look, let's just have
a great last night,

get off our faces,
go out with a bang.

That sounds like a great idea.

Might also help me settle
the old pre-match nerves.

You're gonna do some of your music?
Well, you said I should.

Yeah, but I didn't think
you'd do it, though.

I think
some people are gonna be surprised.

It's not a little hobby for me.

I've been working on this
for quite a while, so...

I've been going on Tinder dates
for quite a while.

Doesn't mean I'm any good at it.
No, that actually...

implies that you're quite bad at it.

(ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYS)

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas

# I am strong

# When I am on your shoulders

# You raise me up

# To more than I can be...

(CHEERING)

Let him finish!

# Be-eeeee! #

(CHEERING)

What a voice!

And next up we have Romesh,

a man who needs no introduction.

I'm gonna give him one anyway!

I still remember the first night
Rom was the landlord here.

I'd just got back
from The Big Chill festival,

and it's fair to say
I was feeling...

rather fragile.

I was in a dark place,
I was staring into the fire,

and there were these two woodlice.

There were flames all around.

I remember finally

they locked onto each other
and they...

..rolled off into the flames...

together.

I guess the reason why
I'm telling you this story

is that sometimes life can feel

a little bit helpless,

but as long as
you've got friendship,

then it will be OK.

Didn't they both
perish in the flames?

Yeah, they did?

But together, so it wasn't that bad.

Isn't that what this pub is about?

You know,
being there for each other,

no matter how bad it is...

and friends that you will die for.

(Jesus!)

(COUGHING)

So, ladies and gentlemen,

my best friend and your landlord...

put your hands together for Romesh!

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

What an incredibly
dark and horrific introduction.

Do your Chris Eubank impression!

I'm not actually doing comedy.

I'm here to do music, actually.
Hip hop.

Do Gold Digger!
I'm not gonna do Gold Digger.

This is something that I've been
working on for quite a while now,

and I... I hope you enjoy it.

(RUSTLING)

# What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Huh!

# What? Whoo! Huh!

# What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Huh!

# What? Whoo! Yeah!

# What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Huh!
(Oh, my God, is this it?)

# Yeah! What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Huh!
I think so, yeah.

# What? Huh!

# Yeah! Whoo! Huh!

# What? Yeah!

# What? Whoo!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Yeah! What-what? Yeah!

# What? Whoo!
Shit!

# What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# What? Huh!

# What-what? Huh!

# Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! #

Anyway, you get the...erm...

You get the idea. It goes on like
that for another three minutes or so.

So that's it. I guess
I'll just go upstairs and...erm...

add this to the list of
things I'm shit at.

(LAUGHTER)

Alongside being a pub landlord
of course!

(LAUGHTER)

I would like to raise a toast
to the pub.

It's our last night here,
and that is sad,

but I do not want
our last night here to be sad.

So raise your glasses
to The Seven Swans.

ALL: Hurray!

You know what? Fuck it. For one last
time, I am gonna go behind the bar.

And you know what?
It's free drinks for everybody.

Yeah. Of course

what I mean by 'free drinks' is:

do help yourselves,
and I will deny all knowledge!

(LAUGHTER)
But, seriously, have a good time.

(SILLY VOICE) Thank you so much.
You have been absolutely wonderful.

(LAUGHTER)

Romesh!
(CHEERING)

There he goes,

but there's still plenty of other...

Hello.
Hey!

Loved that Mr Miyagi impression.

You all know what's coming,
don't you?

Your next act of the evening is...

Tottenham Steve.

(POLITE APPLAUSE)

Nice one.

I tell you what, the only job
Romesh is gonna get after this...

is a hand job!

(GIGGLES)

I tell you what,
Romesh is the worst landlord.

He thinks a Stella top

is a jumper! (LAUGHS)

Anyway, nice one.

(LAUGHS)

Ah...

# And isn't it ironic

# Don't you think?

We all know it. Join in!

# It's like rain

# On your wedding day

# It's a free ride

# When you've already paid

# It's the good advice

Lee!

# That you just didn't take

That's OK...

# And who would have thought... #

I actually really enjoyed your story
about the woodlice earlier on.

Shall we pour
some of our drinks out for them?

Er, yeah, OK. Just a bit, though,

cos they're only little, aren't they?

You know what's funny is I don't
actually have to clear this up, so...

It's the last night.
Do anything you want.

Let the brewery deal with it.

Do you dare me?

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

Oops!

(CHEERING)
Shit, Lemon.

(LAUGHTER)

Oi! That's Lemon's tankard. Lemon...

Just got your tankard, mate.
My tankard!

Have it!
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

(TRIUMPHANT LAUGHTER)

Ooh!

You want it, mate. You want it.
You've got it now, mate.

Now you've got it. Now you've got it.

You son of a bi...

Ha!

(BOTH ROAR)

Come on!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Now Julie's on the way! Yay!

(CHEERING)

Come on!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Ohh...
It's all right.

Just hold it up there, OK?

The first-aid box is through here.

It's OK.
Ooh!

It's not deep.
It's all right. There you go.

(GROANS)

Do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, of course.

I'm a paramedic.

I thought you drove a van.
Yeah, I do.

It's an ambulance.
Oh, wow!

Why are your stories
always so boring, then?

I just think I pay too much
attention to every single detail,

which is good
in the medical profession.

Do you know how to make a sling?
You don't need a sling.

I want a sling! Ahh!

(HUBBUB)

Nice one.

Blimey!
(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

What the hell are you doing?

(CHEERS)

(SCREAMS)

We're just trying to give the place
a proper send-off.

So I'm trying to save the place,
while you're destroying it?

Ye-ah!
I'm going through the paperwork.

Do you even remember
signing the contract?

I don't know. They made me sign
loads of crap. I've got no idea.

Well, don't trash the place
just yet. I'm still looking for it.

OK, thank you. Love you.

(SQUEALS) Watch out!

(SHOUTING AND WHOOPING)

Are you still doing that?

I can't fasten it properly...

er...while you're kissing.

(DRUNKEN SHOUTING)

I'm sorry to see it
end like this for you, Rom.

Yeah, I mean, I get it. I get it.

The war of the pubs. The big feuds.

You win. Congratulations.

No. No, no, no,
I never saw it like that.

I mean, you're hardly a threat.

Pay your tab, and piss off.

I never ordered those drinks.

I never asked you to come in.
In fact, do you know what?

You're barred.
Barred? What?

Listen, I'm never gonna see you
again, so I may as well be honest.

You're a vacuous hipster twat,

who dresses like
Mumford & Sons fucked Dr Who.

I warn you now...

..I will blog about this.

And I will not change your name.

(CLATTERING)

(SIGHS)

# Winter will leave us

Sorry, Dad.

# Left the end of my nose

# Goodbye, old England

# Till next year's snow #

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Rom, the door!

Jesus,
did you sleep in your clothes?

Put your shoes on.

There's broken glass everywhere.
It'll be like Die Hard.

Nice reference.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

For fuck's sake...

Er, we're not actually open yet,
mate.

Oh, hi, Romesh,
it's Gareth from the brewery.

Oh. Hi, Gareth.
Can I...

Well, no... Sorry, mate. It's just...

I'm trying to get it ready.

I want it to be really lovely
for the handover,

and I haven't been able
to do that yet.

I just feel like, if we do that now,

then it won't be as lovely
as I want it to be...

for you.

Right.

Well, this is what I wanted
to discuss with you, actually.

There's an issue with the contract.

I just need you to sign something.

Oh, so it wasn't signed?

No. The brewery have asked
if you can sign it now.

So the termination is void?

Yeah, there's been
a bit of an error on our part there.

Technically speaking.
Legally speaking?

Yeah.
So what are you saying?

You aren't required to leave,

but the brewery have asked that
you sign this in front of me today.

So we're not required to leave?

Do we still have to run the pub?

Yeah. We still have to run the pub.

OK, so it's not a complete jackpot,
then. OK, I will sign.

Just on that one.

I can come in, if...
No, no, no, it's fine.

We'll sign it here.

Yeah, that's for you...
and that's for me.

Please accept my apologies
on behalf of the brewery.

All right, no problem, mate.

Now, get off my property!
(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Yeah, it's still our property,
to be clear.

Yes, I get that. Sorry, I just
thought that'd be a funny joke.

Yes!
What the hell just happened?

You can't fail a probation period if
the contract doesn't legally exist.

So me not signing it
actually saved the day?

You're gonna try and take credit
for this, aren't you?

No, no, I'm sorry.

Thank you. You're amazing.

Ooh! I really am.

I'm gonna go straight to your mum's

cos I think
she should be the first to know.

I think
you should thank her as well.

She was a real motivation for me.
Yes, I can imagine.

So, I mean, what happens now?

Well, I think you'd better start
clearing up your pub.

Your six-month probation
starts today!

Are there, like, apps for, like,
emergency cleaners or something?

I'll put some music on,
and you can get on with it.

(MUSIC ON)

I just saved your life.

Thank you, Tash.

Right, let's do this.

# CYPRESS HILL:
When The Ship Goes Down

(GROANS)

Fuck this, this is ridiculous.

There's got to be an app.

# When the ship goes down

# You better be ready

# When the ship goes down

# When the ship goes down

# You better be ready

# When the ship goes down

# When the ship goes down

# You better be ready

# When the ship goes down

# When the ship goes down

# You better be ready

# You better be ready... #