The Reluctant Landlord (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mystery Shopper - full transcript

# The days seem slow
But the years go fast

.

(THEME MUSIC)

# The days seem slow
But the years go fast

# Could you please pour another drink
In my glass

# I think I need a drink tonight

# If only the landlord
Could fix it, right

# Why's he looking so reluctant?

# Like he doesn't want the custom

# Why do you run a pub, then?

# I need time away
But I never got that far



# Best friends with these guys here
Propping up the bar

# Working for the family I love
But the day's been long

# Could you please pour me
Another drink, bruv #

Could you tell her her husband
called as soon as she comes out of
the meeting, please?

She's got my number. I'm her husband.

No, I'm not giving you my number.
Look, this is weird.

It's like you're trying to keep me on
the line so you can trace my call.
Goodbye.

You never told me you were
getting a dog. Boy? Girl? Name?

We're not. Don't have a name.
Think it's on the collar.

Strider. He's a boy.
Owned by a Lord of the Rings fan.

Who's probably also a virgin.
(PHONE RINGING) That's Natasha.

Julie's not here yet.
I'll serve myself, yeah?

Do not serve yourself... Lemon...
(PHONE RINGING)

Natasha, it's here.



Yeah, I gathered that from your
seven texts and three voicemails.

"Plus, your message
at the front desk."

Why did you tell the receptionist
you were tracing a call?

I didn't tell her
I was tracing a call.

I said she was tracing my call.
It doesn't matter.

The dog's here.
What are you going to do about it?

"Aww. What's he like?"

Send us a pic.
He looks like a dog. Google it.

Look, I know you're not up for this
but it's only a couple of days
and the kids are so excited.

You're right. It's not your fault
he's turned up early

and that you're not here
to look after him

even though you swore you'd take
responsibility for it.

But let's not get into that now.
I will step up.

Could ya?
Well, that would be amazing.

It's almost like you're my husband
or something.

It probably means I can't come to
your work drinks on Friday.
I can't leave the dog on his own.

Your mum's babysitting the kids.
She can look after the dog, too.

Or I could stay at home and work on
some of my tracks?

Oh, yeah (!) Cos your album releases
on the 22nd of you wasting your time
on this music thing.

OK, I'm going now and
it's opening time. All right. Bye.

Oh, you got a dog.

Yeah, Natasha signed us up for
Borrow My Doggy to see if
the kids would like a pet.

Aww, cute!
It's not cute, is it?

He doesn't know his owners
have gone on a mini break.
He thinks he's been abandoned.

Oh. Nobhead.

Hey, Rob.
You're with the brewery, right?

Er, yes. Most pubs are.

Oh, not me. No. I'm independent.
I've got my own microbrewery.

I always think that that means
little, tiny people drinking beer
from thimbles.

No. No, no. It's to do with
producing low carbon footprint
organic alcohol

on an independent label.

No, I know that.

Oh, wow! Is that a French Bulldog.

Interesting thing
about the Frenchie--
What are you after, David?

Oh. I have got some red-hot intel
that I think you might be
interested in.

Right. And you want me to pay you
for it. Is this what this is about?

No. Just looking out for a mate.

Oh, right. What's his name?
(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, no. I've heard a rumour
that one of the breweries

has a mystery shopper
doing the rounds.

So, maybe keep on your toes, yeah?

Well, I was actually born
on my toes, David.

I do everything by the book
so I've got nothing to worry about.

Thanks for nothing, though.
Well, sure. Ciao.

I'll put this on your tab then, mate,
shall I?

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)

Right, OK. Avengers assemble.

Are we watching a movie?
No, we are the movie.

Ooh! I'm Wonder Woman.
That's Justice League, isn't it?

Get over here.

Right. Listen up.

Dickhead intel suggests immediate
infiltration by the brewery rep,
AKA, mystery shopper.

What?
Mystery shopper.

Somebody from the brewery
is posing as a punter.

Yeah, I got that. What's "AKA"?

"Also known as".

Oh, thank God for that. I thought
you meant he has a machine gun.

No, he does not have a machine gun.
What he does have is a
little portable scanner

that he uses on the bottled beers so
he can tell if we got it
from the brewery.

Have you? Of course not.
It's cheaper from the supermarket.

Right. This is how
he's gonna be neutralised.

Once identified by me, Julie's going
to serve him beer from the brewery.

Lemon, you're going to drive him out
by Googling pictures of anal cysts
on your phone.

I'm on it.
Lee, you can...

I don't know. Tell him your story
about the phasing of traffic lights
on Sutton Road.

Yeah. They definitely slow them down
at night, which is mad because

there's less traffic, so...

I think I speak for all of the group
when I say not now.

I'm going to ask you the same thing
I used to ask your dad.

Is the amount of money you save
buying beer in the supermarket
worth it

when you are under the stress
of being caught and fined?

Er, yep.
If you get caught and fined...

Well, it's just an
occupational hazard.

How often was your dad caught?

Every time.
Yes, but I'm cannier than him.

I've got like a sixth sense.
Know what I mean?

I can just tell.
See right through them, you do.

Are you having a dig at my eye,
or something?

It's not about seeing them, mate.
It's about having your wits
about you.

(STRIDER WHINES)
He needs to be taken for a walk.

How do you know that?
He's just projecting.

Dogs need exercise.
Why do people say that?

What if dogs just like lying around
like the rest of us?

I'll do it,
if you do the stock take.

Nah. Sod that. I'll take him.

What are they for?

To pick up the poo.

I'm not doing that. I'm just going to
command him to not shit.
Right. Come on, mate.

Do not shit.

(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi! Sorry I'm late.

(MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)

(EXCITEDLY) Ooh. Is this Strider?

How is he?
Yeah, he's great.

As you can see,
the kids are ecstatic.

What do you think of the dog, guys?

Cool.
Nice.

Did you walk him this morning?
Yes.

It was miserable. All the other dog
walkers are weirdos.

They all look like murderers
using the dog for cover

while they scope out the park
for burial spots.

And I got fined for him crapping.
And I had to pick up
the turd anyway.

Essentially, I paid for the
privilege of picking up his poo.

Mm. And has he been for a walk
this afternoon?

Er, the leash is by the door.

I've got to do the kids' supper.
So I've got to do this again?

I'm in the middle of
finishing a track!

Right, Theresa, Charlie,
do you want to help me walk the dog?

I'd rather watch YouTube.
(BOTH LAUGH)

We're looking at videos
of funny dogs.

Fair enough.
Give them a couple of hours,

I can see how the novelty
would dissipate. Come on, mate.

Come on.

# OASIS:
Don't Look Back in Anger

What are you looking for?

I am looking for those little
cocktail umbrella things.

The sort of thing we buy
but never use.

What do you want to do with them?
£2.80, please.

Natasha has dodged dog walking again,

so I want to use them to mark the
turds so she can pick them up later.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Why are you selling them brewery
beer? They come in all the time.

I'm serving everyone brewery beer
to be on the safe side.

For fuck's sake. I might as well buy
all of it from there
in the first place.

Yes! That would be my advice.

All right. You can't be trusted.
You're walking the dog.

Fine.

Oi!
What?

You know when I was
winking at you earlier?

That wasn't about your eye.

Don't worry about it, mate.

I'm just letting you know
that I know that you know.

Yeah. Whatever, mate.

Oi, Jules.
Mm-hm?

Got them.
Oh, no. I'm good.

You can draw a map, if you want,
or just tag them with your phone.

Or I could pick them up
and put them in the bin.

I'll pick them up for you.

Oh, no. You're good.

Er, Lee, I don't know
what's more disturbing, mate.

The idea that you've got
a crush on Julie,

or the idea that
you enjoy the feeling of warm dog
shit in your hands.

It's a sad day when a man
can't even offer to pick up a shit
for a woman

without it being seen as a come on.

MAN: Holly!

Holly? Here, girl.

Sorry about her.
he's just being friendly.

Oh! No worries.

Strider looks happy, so...

It's nice to see another owner
out walking their dog.

You get so many professional
dog walkers in this park

walking five or six dogs
on one big lead.

Why have a dog if you can't even
be bothered walking it yourself?

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)
Exactly. That's what I always say.

These breeds need
properly looking after.

Yes, lovely breeds.

We're going to do
a couple of circuits.
They seem to be getting on well.

You mind if we walk together?

Yeah, sure. Why not?
Right.

Got to get their circuits in.

So, er, what's the best dog
you've ever seen?

(TAPPING ON DOOR)

Rom...
Hm?

(STRIDER WHIMPERS)
Aw, he's unhappy.

Snap.
(BARKS)

Take him downstairs.

To the pub?

Well, anywhere out of here.

(SIGHS)
Rom...

Rom...
(STRIDER WHIMPERS)

Go on.

Fine.
(BARKING)

Right. Come on, then.

You're in here, mate.

(STRIDER WHIMPERS)

(BARKING)

(SIGHS)

All right, Strider. It worked.
Well-played.

OK. Come on, then. Let's go.
I'll hang out with you a bit more.

Rom.

Shit, is it morning?
You slept with the dog.

Nothing happened.
Why did you feel the need
to say that?

I don't know. It felt like
we were being accused of something.

He was still... whimpering,
so I, erm...

I came down and we had a chat.

You sent yourself to sleep
with your own conversation.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
Help me get the kids up.

OK. Come on, mate. Let's go.

(SIGHS)

I'm knackered. I don't think
I'm going to be much company
at this meal tonight.

Your energy level
has nothing to do with it.

You've moaned about this meal
from the start.

I know. But last time I got stuck
next to some woman
who was obsessed with Michael Buble.

It's all she could go on about.
(LAUGHS) Good.

Katherine. I know.
She's a nightmare.

There's a seating plan this year.
I promise you won't have to sit
anywhere near her.

Fine. I'll take one for the team.

I'll keep it all inside, then smash
it up on a mix tape freestyle.

(LAUGHS)
What are you laughing at? You want
to be on a diss track as well?

Could walk Strider again today.

Look at that guy over there.
Have you seen him before?

I've got a bad feeling about him.

I don't like the way he's sitting.

Yeah, on a stool (!)

Yeah, but right in the middle
of the pub. Hiding in plain sight.

Or just sitting in plain sight
with a pint, not a bottle.

(SCOFFS) Trying to gain our trust
by going deep cover.

That's not going to work.

You've gone undercover and I've
sniffed you out, mate. Woof, woof.

The resistance takes you down.

I think you're spending too much time
with that dog.

Hello, mate. You all right?
Got a name?

I'm Romesh. I'm the landlord here.
Haven't seen you here before.

I'm Tom. I'm new to the area.

I see you're a pint man.

Yeah...
You know, Tom, we, er...

We like to watch each other's backs
round here. Like a family.

If somebody was to suddenly decide
to switch from pints to bottles...

..we'd notice.

So...
OK.

Why are you talking like you're in
The Fast and the Furious?

He got the message.
Yep. Looks like it.

Bye, mate.

Hello, again.
I was hoping you'd be here.

Oh, really? Me too.

The chemistry feels great,
doesn't it?

I hope that's not too forward.

No! I... I was going to say it, too,
but I didn't know how you'd react.

Look how happy they are.
It must be a sign.

Yeah, well, they love their circuits.

If it keeps going well, we should
maybe take things further.

(LAUGHS) Maybe.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Come on, Holly.

Why aren't you answering your phone?
You need to get ready.

I'm worried about
leaving them alone.

Oh, the dog will be fine.
No, not the dog.

I mean Julie.
Why? What's wrong with her?

She can't spot a wrong 'un.
She hasn't got my instincts.

(SIGHS) Do you not think you'd be
better putting your efforts

into trying to run the pub properly,
rather than trying
to spot this mystery shopper?

Nat, the whole reason
I took on this pub

was to keep my dad's dream alive.
This is how he did things.

Yeah. Shoddily.
I loved your dad,

but trying to get one
over the brewery is just stupid.

Come on and get ready.

(DOOR CLOSES)
Er, we won't be back that late.

Probably about 11:00?

Romesh, why is there a stray dog
in the flat?

It's Strider.
We're looking after him.

How exactly are you looking
after him? By giving him his space?

Is it dangerous?
Where does it do its business?

I've done a full set of instructions.

"Avoidance of eye contact
indicates guilt"?

"Ditto anyone covering the bottle
with..."

That's the wrong one.
That's for Julie.

"Watch out for anyone acting
suspiciously in an obvious way,

there may be a plan to distract you

while a secondary agent
makes their play."

"Do not serve anyone
with a waxed moustache"?

That's not just about
the mystery shopper,

that is a general rule
to keep the wankers out.

Why are you drinking out of a bottle?
We've been through this.

Come on. We're going to be late.
Julie, you have to memorise that.

If you look at it while serving,
it's a massive giveaway.

"If he poos in the house,
take him to it
and put his face real close

so he knows he's done wrong."

OK, that's actually for mum. Not you.
It's a bit harsh.

It's not for the kids.
You know it's for the dog, right?

Yes.

By the way, if Mum does come down
and try to help, ignore her, please.

Sure. I'll ignore you, too.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

(SIGHS)

What's so interesting
about the label, mate?

I was just wondering where the
beer's from. From the brewery.

Oh, no. I meant what country.
Sure.

Oh, and before you ask,

the furniture came from a wholesaler
in Leeds, Detective Inspector.

(ALMOST SILENT) What the fuck?

(PIANO PLAYS)

Oh, hi. Er, Romesh.

Ruth.
You here under duress as well?

Do you want me to give your partner
the stink eye for dragging you along?

No, no. I work at the firm.
Er, on the front desk.

Oh. Right.

Yes, er... I'm, erm...

Natasha's husband. Er...

I think we spoke on the phone
a few days ago.

You were asking for my number.

I don't know why I brought it up.
It was an awkward exchange.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes?
Your instructions say

I'm to feed the dog steak?
That is what he would eat
in the wild.

You think dogs hunt cows?

Look, I'm leaving him
with a stranger for the evening,

I'm his surrogate owner, if I want to
give him steak, I will.
Can we leave it at that?

I'm stressed out enough
about the mystery shopper.
Mystery shopper?

You never told me!
"Mum, do not get--"

Mum?

Hello again!

Oh, hi. Katherine. Erm, I think
there is a seating plan.

Oh, I swapped with someone.
I thought you'd like to see
a friendly face.

What has happened in your life
in the last year?

I've seen Michael five times
already.

From his garden?
In concert. You have to go.

I always say to people that if you
don't like Michael's records,

you will be converted
by seeing him live.

It's like...
It's like a religious experience.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

I hope you don't mind.
I'm going to call the kids.
We've got a new babysitter.

(PHONE RINGING)

ROMESH: "Julie, how's things?"

Great, yeah.
I've made four arrests already.

Look, seriously,
talk me through the faces.

Lemon, Lee, Phil the cabbie,

a couple of Eastern European
builders, two students on a date...

Oh, and your mum has come down

and is asking everyone who buys a
drink if they're a mystery shopper.

Are you a mystery shopper?

Jesus Chr... Can you put her on?

Huh? Mum. You can't go around
accusing everyone of being
a mystery shopper.

We're not supposed
to know they're coming.

You're supposed to be
looking after the dog.

What do you want me to do?
Read it a bedtime story?

Rom. Everyone's sitting down now.

Yes, I know,
and I'm trying very hard,

but I'm sitting next to Katherine,
which you promised me
wouldn't happen.

I know. I'm so sorry about that.
She switched places!

She means well.
Yes, but she does harm.

Oh.

Rom absolutely loves Michael
as well.

Oh. Are you on Spotify?

I can send you a playlist.
The--

Erm, I've just got to check the menu,
if that's all right.

Oh.

I saw that film, Girl on the Train,
the other day.

Right.
I loved the book.

The film didn't work for me
cos of Emily Blunt.

She dated Michael.
Oh, we're back on that, are we?

Oh, yeah! I could talk about Michael
for hours.

(LAUGHS)

I would really like to order, please.
I'll be with you in a second, sir.

People always say to me, they say,
"Kath--"

So, what does your husband do?

Oh, er, he runs an eatery
that serves drinks.

The way he's indulging Katherine
shows he's a real people person.

(KATHERINE WITTERS ON)
Hm.

He had the voice of an angel,
but also, have you seen his hair?

What can I get you, sir?

Thank God. Erm... Actually,
I'm vegetarian so could...

Butternut chilli stew.
Er, yes, but...

Could you leave out the black beans
because they give me indigestion.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Er, can I just have a quick...

I mean, clearly, it is possible,
isn't it?

What you're telling me
is you won't do it.

The stew is already made.

It says here, "Made with local
fresh ingredients"

and now you're telling me
you heat up pre-prepared stuff.

All stews are pre-prepared,
so they can stew.

I can see if the chef
will make you another.

I wouldn't want to put him out, mate.
I'll just have bread.

Bread? Yes, just bring the bread
basket round each course.
I'll make do with that. Thank you.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
I do listen to other artists,

but I always come back to Michael.

Are you a mystery shopper?

A what, sorry? Ignore her.
Oh, this is a nice surprise.

Although I can't join you
cos I'm working.

No, I know. I just wanted to know
when your next day off was.

And whether or not we could
spend it together?

See what happens?
I like him.

Very courteous.
Well, I'm free on Sunday.

Sunday would be perfect.
She'll be on heat then.

Oh, no. He's a crazy pervert.

Oh, no. I'm talking about my dog.
We walk our dogs together.

They have real chemistry.

So, you want our dogs to breed?

Yes...
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I mean, a pedigree like that,

the pups will be worth
about £500 each.

Obviously, I'd give you a cut
for the insemination.

Yeah, it's not actually my dog.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. I cannot believe
you would lead me on like that.

I can't believe that you'd offer
to pay for dog semen.

So I guess we're even.

Well-played.

No man who trades in dog sperm
is a keeper.

And the coffees are on the house.

Oh, thank you so much. That's great.

OK, so that's £640 divided by ten.

Actually, you only had bread,
which is free.

So you shouldn't have to pay anyway.

Erm, Katherine. It is fine.
Ruth!

Ruth! Divide it by nine.

Natasha's husband only had bread.

Sorry.
Was there a problem with your food?

Er, no. Excuse me.
I can tell you're not the type
to cause a fuss.

I wouldn't say that.
My friend only had bread?

He only ordered bread.

Why would you only order bread?

Er, well, I'm vegetarian.

We chose this place as we thought
the menu would cater for everyone.

And I've got allergies.
As well as, erm...

..some religious objections to...

..certain...

..vegetables.

# MICHAEL BUBLE: Feeling Good

Did you know
he used to date Emily Blunt?

Good night, Julie.
Bye, lads.

Thank you. Good night.
Any sign of the mystery shopper?

They got us.

Brewery e-mailed this through.

Fucking hell. They're fining me
for buying from another source.

But I told you it was me.
What the hell are you talking about?

When I winked.

Shit. I only did it
for the extra cash

and then you said you knew
how to spot a mystery shopper
and I believed you.

I thought you were playing along.
Why would I play along?

I'm being fined.

You said getting fined
was an occupational hazard.

The fine is still less than
the money you saved overall
buying the beer elsewhere.

Really?
Yeah.

By about five quid.
Aw.

So you're ahead? That's a result.

What is this shit about
"gruff service"?

I see that as a plus.
I like an angry pint.

Yeah?
Well I'd get used to it, dickhead.