The Real L Word (2010–2012): Season 3, Episode 5 - I Wasn't Expecting This - full transcript

Previously on The Real L Word...

I don't know why you have to
be such a bitch all the time.

I'm not a bitch.

You're a fucking
self-entitled little asshole.

You know, Kiyomi and I
never had a conversation

after we had a fight,

and I'm not really sure
where I stand with the band.

The day-to-day of it is really,

really hard to get to that,
like, 45 minutes of pure joy

when we're playing together.

Next time I break up with you,



this is what I want you to do.

Shut your mouth.

Don't sleep with all those girls,

'cause then they come at me.

Like, "oh, I slept with your girl."

And I want to punch them.

You better keep it in your damn pants.

- I'm horny.
- You're horny?

- Because you fucked her ex.
- But then, why would she...

A lot of people fucked her ex.

It's definitely come out
that there's been some tension

on Romi's part towards Lauren.

Cori went into preterm labor,

so Charlie... she couldn't survive.



We are both brokenhearted.

And leaving the house
has been really difficult,

but just time we ripped the band-aid off.

I didn't lie.

Yeah, you did.

Like, you're so about you.

It's you, you, you, you, you, you.

Amanda was supposed to
meet me four hours ago.

I'm just mad 'cause she lied.

She's like, "I'm gonna run some errands,"

and I'm fairly sure she went
to go see an ex-girlfriend.

So when are you officially coming home?

I don't know.

Are you telling me you're coming home?

What?

Maybe I'm being being lied to again.

When I came out and I saw you talking...

You didn't even say hi. I
was like, "hey," and you...

I was talking to my friends, Ali.

My relationship with Ali
is becoming quite toxic.

It's gotten into a cycle where
we fight and then we make up.

- What's going on?
- What's your name?

- Kiyomi.
- Lauren.

Both: Nice to meet you.

I think Lauren is pretty hot.

Don't judge me. Rachel
just put a hair mask.

She's like, "your is hair so dead."

- Did she dye it too...
- No.

Or just cut it? Oh. What'd she cut?

Not really, she just, like,
evened it out a little bit.

- Oh.
- I have to tell you something.

What? You sound excited.

Um, I just got off the
phone with New York.

With New York? What?

So I was talking to my ex,

and we're gonna see if we can make it work

and not see other people.

But wait, when you left, how was it?

What do you mean? When we left...

When I left, like, we were still together.

You were still together when you left?

That's not what you told me.

When I was in New York, I made a point

to hang out with my ex-girlfriend.

We had a blast together.
And now I'm just trying

to figure out if there
is something still there.

Um, and if there is,
that's probably gonna play

into my decision to be moving back or not.

How's that gonna work?

I don't know yet. This,
like, just happened,

so I'm gonna have to, like, figure it out.

I mean, whether it ends up
being like a bi-coastal thing...

I think there's just,
like, a lot of things

that are gonna, like, play into it.

You know what I mean? Like...

Like what?

You know, like work

and what I'm doing and like what...

You know, obviously,
like, where I'm based.

- And like...
- That's what I'm saying.

Like, how are you gonna be based somewhere

where the person you love is not?

I know, we're gonna have to figure it out.

I would hope, like, if
you're gonna move back

that you would give me,
like, advance notice,

so I could, like, find
another roommate and stuff.

- Woof.
- What?

I don't know. That's
just, like, so extreme.

No, I mean, this is, like, a relationship

- you're stepping back into.
- Yeah.

It's not too extreme for
me to think that it could be

more serious than even
you're imagining right now.

Like, I feel like sometimes
you try to fool yourself

as much as sometimes you try to fool me.

I don't really know
what Lauren's problem is

as far as me and my ex-girlfriend.

I, in a very strong way, wish
she could just be happy for me,

but it's like she's jealous or something.

At this point, like, you have recently

been dishonest to me about stuff.

Like when we were in New York and, like,

you just lied to me about
where you've been, you know,

like... or where you're
going or something, you know.

It's like, you tell
these little white lies,

and I don't know whether
to, like, believe you.

I don't know.

It is what it is, you know?

Okay.

- Hey, baby.
- What?

It's our first Dinah together.

- I know. Are you excited?
- Yeah.

We've never done it sober together.

- Yeah.
- And we've never done it as a couple.

Dinah shore is a weekend
that all the lesbians

from all over the world fly in to party.

And it does feel a little bit
like high school spring break.

You need your outfit for the white party?

I have it.

I think it's really just
a place that people go

to get wasted and fuck people.

Like, people break up
with their girlfriends

just to go to Dinah and fuck other people,

and then get back from Dinah Shore

and get back with their girlfriends.

I'm just excited to lay out
by the pool and get some sun.

You think it'll be fun?

- It's gonna be fun.
- You think so?

I need a vacation.

- You think this is a vacation?
- Mm...

Have you seen our schedule?

Dinah is going to be
very different this year,

because I was asked to host and
attend events as a "celesbian."

A "celesbian" is a
lesbian that's a celebrity.

And they're very rare.

There's not a whole lot of us.

So I have work to do.

Do you need another bag?

You are not taking that. Okay.

- Babushka.
- No.

Not happening. Here.

Take all that shit out, Kelsey.

Let's just try this
weekend to, like, have fun

and, like, stay out of
as much drama as possible.

Well, as long as I stay away
from the drama, I'm fine.

We're sticking together all weekend.

You leave me out there alone
for the wolves to get me,

I will fucking murder you.

I'm gonna be hosting events, I'm sure,

with Whitney and Sara all weekend.

And I know that Lauren and Amanda

will probably be right next to them.

I pray to God that they're not so
drunk that they wanna start drama.

I'm just praying that I
can, like, slide by Dinah

without being, like, drunkenly attacked.

I'm seriously... like, if
they walk up to me and...

Stare and look at you.

Stare and look at me, I'm
just gonna walk away...

I think I'll start laughing,
to be honest with you.

I think, also, I'm gonna be like, "why?"

Like, "why?" 'Cause we
have to do events with them,

because we're working, so let's just host,

do what we're supposed
to do, and walk away.

I have no intentions of
speaking to any of them.

I'm trying to be respectful of Romi,

and I wanna make her happy.

And if she doesn't want
me around certain people,

I'm definitely not gonna
be around certain people.

Romi's usually right
about certain people, so...

Should I bring boxing gloves?

Oh, we should pack this.

Just in case any of
those lesbians get crazy.

I'll cut a bitch this weekend
if they even fuck with me,

and if they fuck with you.

- This is cute.
- Yeah.

There they are.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How are you doing?
- How are you, Sara?

Good, long time no see. Good, how are you?

This is like a big kid's table.

- I mean, it is.
- How are you guys doing?

- Better.
- Yeah, we're doing better.

We can leave the house now.

It took a while, but it put a big
"together forever" stamp on us.

Yeah.

So we're leaving tomorrow for Dinah.

Are you guys going to Dinah?

Shut the fuck up.

Are you seriously going to Dinah?

I'll meet you at the pool, motherfucker.

I can't believe we're going either.

I have a feeling that we're gonna go

and probably go for, like,
ten minutes and then say,

"this is not for us."

Cori and I have never been to Dinah Shore,

and some of our friends are going.

And after several months
of begging and pleading,

we decided to give in and go.

I mean, Jesus, we haven't left the house

for how long, and now we're
gonna go to Dinah Shore?

It's quite an entrance back into society.

I challenge you to come hang out
with us at the pool party one day.

I think I heard a rumor that you're
gonna be hosting a dating show.

- Yeah.
- Is that for real?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

I'm off the market, so I'm hosting.

The, uh, "daters" are
Romi and I guess Kelsey.

People are competing
to get dates with them.

I don't know why.

But...

So are you not talking to Romi anymore?

No, we have abandoned
negative people in our lives.

Romi is one of them.

She has done shady things.

Even last Dinah, what happened was,

we were supposed to be friends
at that time, and me and Whitney

had gotten into a fight, but she
knew how much I loved Whitney.

Even if we weren't,
like, perfect, you know.

And she made out with her in
the pool and looked right at me,

and was like... you're on your own and...

if she could push me off a
cliff and nobody knew about it,

- she would.
- She would.

It's hard to hear, because
I love Romi so much.

She's become an actual
friend through all this.

And she... you know, she's
constantly checking in with us

to see how we're doing,
and she's a great person.

And to hear anyone talk poorly of anyone

that I really care about is hard.

And I really want to stay
neutral and just, you know...

they have their own...

but it's hard, 'cause I
wanna defend her and say,

"no, you're wrong."

You know, we care about you guys.

We care about her. I just wanna...

- I know.
- Just make sure that...

I just... I don't know.

I don't want to be in
the middle, I just...

Yeah, of course.

- I said I don't trust you.
- Why?

What did I do?

And you're just gonna leave...

and you're just gonna leave and that's it?

This weekend is Dinah Shore,

and the band has been asked
to play a couple songs.

Ali will not be coming
and I'm kind of glad,

because we've been fighting a lot.

You started the fight. Like,
I've done nothing wrong.

- I didn't start the fight.
- Yes, you did.

Like, really, what the
fuck is your problem?

Your phone's going off.

I don't care.

Listen, I think it's the
girl that you slept with.

Ali lied to me about
how she knew this girl

who she'd been hanging
out with the whole time

that I was on tour.

She had ended up sleeping with the girl.

And, you know, Ali is allowed
to do whatever she wants,

and I'm allowed to do whatever I want,

but I'm always honest and,
you know, I straight-up

asked her how she knew this
girl, and she lied to me.

I don't care if you fucking fisted a cat.

Just tell me the truth
and then I don't care.

Do you understand?
That's all I care about.

Like, we're being so aggressive right now,

because if you're gonna leave again,

and you wanna be able
to do what you want...

I wanna be in my
apartment, like, fuckin'...

See, it's like there's nothing
I can do that's good enough.

I keep trying to, like, fight for you,

and it's, like, exhausting.

It is exhausting to be with me.

I'm not in a non-monogamous
relationship with her to hurt her.

I'm in it because, mentally,

I am not ready to be with somebody again.

I'm not ready to commit and I
can't give her what she fully needs.

I really don't want to do this.

I was with this woman for two years.

I was super in love,

and we were gonna move in together.

And so I guess when I was on tour,

she got this job offer in San Francisco.

And, like, a week into the tour,

she just took the job
without talking to me.

And she moved across the
country before I even came back.

That was a year ago.

And the most... the most messed
up thing about that break up

is that I haven't seen
her once since she left.

And I don't want to do that again.

I don't want to give myself up completely

for somebody to just rip me a.

You're not being fair to
me at all... you're not.

You're, like, searching for
me to do something wrong.

And I haven't done anything wrong.

You just get so stuck in your
head and you get so stubborn.

Kiyomi is always used to being in control.

She's the most stubborn
person I've ever met.

And when she gets a thought
into her mind or if she gets mad,

she sees red and there's
no getting through to her.

You have to wait it out with her.

I don't know what's true anymore.

Then I will continue to fight for this

until you tell me to just stop.

I don't think that I should
come back here after this trip.

This shit's not fuckin' for me.

I'm realizing I can't
keep doing this with her.

Like, I think the best
thing for Ali and I right now

is to give each other space.

Babe, how close are you?

Not very close.

Uh, me neither. Okay, uh, let me get my...

What is all this shit everywhere?

I tried to sort it.

But look, it's... this
is your pile of stuff

I didn't know, my pile,
your pile of stuff.

That's, yeah, sleeping stuff.

We're not going away for
that many days, you know.

Donna and I still haven't packed,

and the flight's gonna leave in an hour.

I don't think we're making this flight.

I don't think this is gonna work.

We gotta rush. There's still a chance.

My position in Hunter Valentine at
this point is still sort of ambivalent.

So missing a flight to a
big show out in Palm Springs

is not the best thing in terms of trying

to figure out where I fit in the band.

All right. Ready?

No. Sorry, babe.

How many of these bags are coming with us?

I don't know.

This is Sara and I's
third year going together,

and hopefully it'll be our
first year leaving together.

Babe, did we get a room
next to Lauren and Amanda's?

Yes.

We don't have a lot of time, do we?

It's my first Dinah taken.

I guess I've hung my Dinah ho hat up.

My Dinah ho hat has been hung.

We gotta get this show on the road.

I mean, yeah.

- Hunter Valentine?
- That's right.

- Yup.
- Right this way.

Somer missed the flight,

and were playing Dinah Shore tomorrow,

and I think it's completely ridiculous

that we've been given
such a great opportunity,

and we can't remain professional about it.

I think we should just leave.

- Not wait for Somer?
- Nope.

How is she gonna figure it out?

Just, so we're gonna leave her?

Yup. Outta here.

I just think it's one more thing
on the score card for Somer.

You know what, guys? Can
we not make it a big issue?

I swear, 'cause I cannot
make it a big issue,

like, the whole keyboard thing on tour.

I feel bad that Somer
and Donna are not gonna

get a ride to Dinah Shore with us,

but it's Kiyomi's band.

She calls the shots,
whether or not I like it.

I don't want to talk about it anymore,

but it's becoming blatantly apparent

that she cannot fulfill this
role in the band, like...

It's true.

♪ Dinah-nah-nah ♪

♪ di-nah-nah-nah ♪

Okay, there's 15,000
lesbians this weekend.

- I know.
- That is insane.

That's kind of really terrifying.

It is a little scary.

I am scared as fuck to go to Dinah.

Whitney and Sara were like,
"oh, my God, by the end of it,

we're gonna need, like,
IVs and oxygen masks."

And it's like, "where
the fuck am I going?"

Okay, so let's make some
predictions for this trip.

Will Lauren finally wipe the dust
off of her vagina and get laid?

Amanda has been a psycho brat lately.

I'm not gonna let her ruin Dinah.

I'm ready to go have some fun.

Just kidding.

Ali texts me, and I just feel defeated,

and I could tell that something
has switched in my brain

and that I can't keep
trying as hard as I am.

I'm curious. Every
time before you go away,

she always seems to get
into a fight with you.

So what happened?

Oh, we got in a huge fight last night.

Oh, my God. For real?

- Wow.
- Dude, every other day.

How would you guess that?

I know.

I don't know how you can deal with this,

because it's like you guys just dr...

You, like, just drive off of
being jealous of each other.

Okay, are you in love with her?

'Cause you don't really light
up when you say her name.

No, I don't light up when I say her name.

I think Ali blew up this
whole thing last night

because she was afraid that I was gonna

do something at Dinah Shore.

Which you are, so...

Thank you.

Um, did you make me some
appointments already?

- I'm sorry.
- No, I just know you.

I haven't talked to my pimp in a while.

No, I just know you. I
know you very, very well.

I could also get there and
not be attracted to anybody.

You just never know.

You just never know.

You never know.

- Oh, God.
- What?

Kiyomi's like, "I'm pretty
much over with my girl anyway."

She's not gross.

After New York, Kiyomi texted me kind of,

"nice to meet you,"
and I didn't even think

anything about it 'cause
there's this other girl involved.

But now that Kiyomi's
saying that this thing

with this girl might be
over, I'm kind of intrigued.

And I'm like, "that's why
I'm not hooking up with her."

Like, I can still, like, flirt with her.

- Just drive.
- Okay.

If we can't get a car,

we have to try to get
a ride from somebody.

Donna and I finally land in lax

and we're a couple hours behind the band,

so now we just have to
figure out how the hell

we're getting from Los
Angeles to Palm Springs.

I mean, I would rather...

If we can get a free ride
tomorrow, do that, but...

Babe, I'd just rather
go tonight, seriously.

What time is your sound check?

Think it's 8:30 in the morning.

- Uh-oh.
- Here we go.

She's calling. Somer, what's up?

How's it going, guys?

What city are you in?

We're in L.A.

Um, so how are you gonna
get to Palm Springs?

Well, what's the deal with tomorrow?

Like, do we have to get there tonight...

Yes.

If we can get a ride
tomorrow with a friend?

- We have sound check.
- No. No.

You have to get there tonight.

Okay.

Our sound check is at 7:00 in the morning.

Sound check's at 7:00?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- We're getting picked up.
- Okay. All right.

So we'll take a... we'll rent
a car and we'll get there,

and we'll get there right behind you guys.

- Okay.
- See you soon.

All right. Bye.

Are you kidding me?

"Is it cool if we just get a
ride with a friend tomorrow?"

She knew... she knew it was 8:00.

That's why she was like, "it's 7:00 now?"

You're bad.

Lesbians everywhere!

Whoo!

I always see Dinah Shore as
waiting for the flood gates

to open, you know... you can just feel it,

and then they just open, and, "aaah!"

Lesbians, run!"

And then everyone just makes out.

Yeah! Whoo!

We're out of here.

You gotta sign up for the Dinah dating!

Come on! Free party! What?

So we have arrived to the
madness of club Skirts' the Dinah,

and the first event is the dating game.

Hi. Good, how are you?

Fuck it. 3:45, let's go.

- How are you?
- Hi, we need to check in.

Okay. I can help you right over here.

Great.

No, they have to take care of it.

Okay.

The hotel, someone's taking care of it.

- Okay, yeah, we do...
- We're hosting.

- They're taking care of it.
- No, I understand.

I know. I just can't give out keys...

Then call them. We have
to be somewhere at 3:40.

Yeah.

We have check in and... hosting.

We get to the hotel and
we're trying to check in,

and it's really irritating
that no one knows who we are,

no one knows that we're hosting.

And they're just holding
us up and not giving us

any kind of special treatment,

that we just drove in to
host their whole weekend.

- Yeah.
- They announce your arrival.

I'll camp out outside.

They're gonna be here.

I think they'll be here.

They're all gonna be here.

You only need one?

They're all gonna be here. I guarantee it.

Trust me. All right, let's go do this.

One thing that I always make sure I do is,

regardless of what drama
is going on between people,

there's this sense of professionalism

that I feel like you need to keep,

because those people planning the event

aren't involved in your drama.

So I'm on time for the dating game,

and Romi is nowhere to be found.

It's kind of annoying, actually.

And it makes us look bad, so thank you.

- We have to be there.
- We have to be there.

- Oh, I know.
- How you gonna have me host

and not even check me
in? This is ridiculous.

No, 'cause we need to change together.

- We have to change.
- Okay.

- We're in traveling clothes.
- We have to be on stage.

Not one of them is here.

'Cause they're all together
inside of each other's assholes.

Yeah, pretty much.

So right now, this is
pretty much bullshit.

Uh, the event is about to start,

and they can't be bothered,
apparently, with being on time.

- Where is... where are they?
- What's happening?

It's about to start very, very soon.

Oh, that's bad.

Where do I sign up?

I heard that Romi got
back together with Kelsey.

This is gonna be so funny.

So I'm signing up for this contest

to win a date with Kelsey
and kind of watch Romi squirm.

Wait, wait.

What would you do for a date with Kelsey?

Oh, I don't know how we're gonna do it.

I got you. Don't worry.

I don't think we should have to.

It's okay. Don't worry. It's no big deal.

It's ridiculous to show up and have to.

If I need cash, I'll get it from you

and I'll give it back to you.

I'm here, bitches!

Dinah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Right there.

Yeah!

I love you. I love you.

I walk into the dating game,

and Sara has this smirk on her face,

and she's with Lauren,

and they're just kind of watching me.

Like... you know?

And I'm like, "why the fuck
are they looking at... "

Why, "A", are they here?

'Cause they're not even in the game.

"B", why are they looking
at me like I'm about to be,

like, Carrie and, like,
have blood spill on me?

All right! Welcome to
the Dinah dating game!

You will be winning a
date with Romi Klinger!

Come here, Romi!

Or Kelsey! Come here, Kelsey!

All right.

Either one of these lucky ladies

will be going on a date
with one of you lucky ladies.

Who's ready to get hooked up?

All right.

Round one, with Romi Klinger.

The dating game is
basically a series of rounds

where we eliminate
girls to the final winner

of the grand date with Romi or Kelsey.

Romi, I need you to pick one of these

lovely categories off of the board.

Oh, uh...

Undies.

Undies.

Romi, which would you choose?

Do you prefer boy briefs or lady lingerie?

Boy briefs.

Boy briefs stay.

Anyone with lady lingerie,
please leave the competition.

We love you, but you're just not for Romi.

Lauren with that fucking
grin just keeps running by,

and I'm like, "what is she up to?"

Like, she's up to something.

Whatever that grin is for,

she's staring at me and
walking by everywhere we are,

like, just all up in the mix.

All right, Romi, one more.

Body.

Romi, do you need some more to love,

or do you like a little bit
of cushion to the pushin',

if you know what I mean?

She likes 'em skinny!

She likes those hip bones stickin' out!

You're my winner.

Let's get Kelsey up here!

Come on down, Kelsey!

Kelsey, please choose the first category.

All right, kissing.

Plenty of that will be going on.

Kelsey, do you prefer lip to lip

or you like to let a little tongue slip?

- Tongue action.
- Tongue action!

If you like to let it get
a little wet and slippy,

then stay back "herre."

That's me.

Kelsey looked at me
at one point during it,

and I looked at her, and it clicked.

Lauren has her paper with her in her hand,

that's about to answer the
questions to win a date.

We've been set up. I get it.

This is a joke. This is a fucking joke.

You guys think it's really funny if
Lauren signs up to win a date with Kelsey.

And what makes you guys happier
than to see me fucking lose my mind?

All right. Relationship, ladies.

Do you like to u-haul
or haul the fuck out?

U-haul.

She's a traditional lesbian, everyone.

She u-hauls it.

Everyone who u-hauls it, stay.

If you're hauling out,
get the fuck out of here.

Oh, fuck, you guys. Oh, fuck.

I'm out.

I didn't win the date, which is fine.

Romi scares me a little bit,

so I am comfortable with
kind of stepping away.

Britney Rainer is the winner
of the Sunday fun day brunch.

Thank you, everybody. Please go get laid.

Your lady is out there!

Let's go.

Kelsey and Romi are
shockingly rude, and they're...

- Full of themselves.
- Full of themselves.

And what happens when
you are full of yourself

is that you're only by yourself,

'cause people don't wanna be around that

and they see right through it.

I used to feel sorry
for Kelsey, but I don't.

She needs to figure it out for herself

and realize that she's her own person

and not let someone
like that run her life.

- It's sad.
- It's true.

I miss staying in hotels.

It's only been... three days.

Three days.

Oh, my God.

Is it good? Is it good? Is it good?

No! Sit on this.

Oh, wow.

It looked fluffy.

Can you answer that, Kiyomi?

What... it is my phone.

Hello?

- Kiyomi.
- Hey, what's up?

It's Lauren and Whitney.

What's up, girl?

Hey, how's it going?

So you made it here safe, huh?

Just a little bit of a traveling day.

Yeah, but we left at, like,
8:00 in the morning, dude.

Are you dead, are you
tired, or you wanna come out?

'Cause we have a party to go to.

What's the party?

It's our friend Wendy,
and I can text the address.

All right. We'll come for, like, a bit.

We got a sound check, like,
super early in the morning,

but we'll roll through for a minute.

All right. We'll see you soon.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

We, she sounded stoked,

- except not.
- Dude, she woke up at 8:00.

So you sleep on the plane. Man up.

Come on, it's Dinah.

You only get a few days
to fucking let loose.

I'll go.

This is probably the best
shirt for me to wear anyway.

My only meal of the weekend!

- Whoo!
- We can't be eating that much at Dinah.

Debbie, are you guys okay?

- Is everybody good?
- Yeah! I'm good.

I just feel like that
whole, like, dating thing

was a little bit, like, too much.

Yeah, man, that was weird.

Lauren. She was so
weird at the dating game.

She wanted to go on a date with me.

- She signed up.
- Come on. Why?

Lauren and Amanda...
I'm sure that, you know,

this is the highlight of their life,

that they're friends
with Whitney and Sara.

And I know these girls.

I know Whitney and Sara on a level

they will never know them on.

I've known them when they had nothing.

I've known them when they were nothing.

It hurts that I invested that much time

into people that absolutely have no heart.

It just seemed like
everybody was a little aggro.

Sara, like, completely ignored me.

All I want is to enjoy my time here

without them, like, being everywhere I go.

Sara, I thought, was a real friend.

As fucked up as our
situation was with Whitney,

I really believed in my heart

that we would have each other's back.

Not only does she not have my back,

she has intentions of
making sure that I'm hurt.

I'm like... I feel bad.

Maybe I should have gave
the poor girl a date.

Bitch, I'll fuck you up.

Oh, God. Hello! God!

I just got raped in the car.

Let's go.

Represent, represent, represent.

- Oh, I see you.
- Yeah!

I see you, baby.

It is the first night of Dinah,

and we are hanging out
at encore supper club,

and everybody is stoked to see each other.

I mean, we haven't seen
many people in a long time,

and we're trying to kick off right.

Dinah!

Dinah! First night!

Yay! Amen.

- Dinah... three cheers!
- A-fucking-men.

Holla, holla, holla.

We should jump out of the fucking roof.

If Somer was here, she'd do it.

- Ladies!
- Hi.

Hey, how are you? Good to see you again.

- Good to see you too.
- Hi. How are you?

- Hi.
- Look at this party.

I know.

I see Lauren again and...

She's very attractive.

Palm Springs. Never been here before.

Welcome to California!

I've seen Kiyomi's persona

and how she just tries to put on this aura

that she is, like, untouchable,
and I don't like her.

I think she's just a
cocky, obnoxious asshole.

Can we talk privately for a minute?

For a minute, for a minute.

I don't think she's not...
I don't think she's not cute.

Stop biting your lip.

- I think she...
- Yeah, she is.

- Thank you!
- Which one?

Kiyomi. I think she's cute.

- Amanda's gonna barf.
- What are you waiting for?

I think that Kiyomi's
hot and so is Lauren,

and I think that... why not?

Honestly, I think Amanda might be
a little jealous of the situation.

I think she just wants Lauren's attention.

- That's what I think.
- That's probably true.

I think, you know, I was... I
was born and raised in New York.

Hey, you fucking made it.

- We got here.
- Oh, my God.

I can't wait for you to buy me a drink,

'cause you missed your fucking flight.

What flight?

Oh.

I'm gonna blame it all on your wife,

so don't worry about it.

Oh, it was an eq...
no, it was an equally...

I got... I know it wasn't your fault.

Did you need to spend
more time doing your hair

and that's why you were late?

- Can't you tell?
- Yeah.

- It's perfectly messy.
- It still smells disgusting.

That's great.

Give me a hug and shut up.

Kiyomi makes a passive-aggressive comment

about me being late for the flight.

I kind of feel like,
"look, I'm here. I made it.

I was a couple of hours behind you guys.

It's on me. Whatever. I'm sorry."

I just want to buy her a drink

and, like, let's kind of move on.

Here comes the lesbians, Sara.

They're all coming in.

You guys are so cute.

Oh!

Have I told you that I
think that you're pretty?

No, you haven't.

- Okay. I think you're pretty.
- Thank you.

- You're really acting flirty.
- No.

You are touchy-feely.
I am not touchy-feely.

- Yeah. Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

When we were at the met
at the end of the night,

you were touchy-feely,

and I was like, "don't
get me in any trouble."

Wait, I was really touchy-feely?

That's weird.

- Oh, is that weird?
- Super weird.

Okay.

Are you trying to, like,
shatter my ego right now?

- Come on, baby.
- It's not gonna work.

- It's too big.
- Oh, really? Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go outside.

There we go.

I'm, like, magnetized to this person.

She gives me butterflies in my stomach,

and I feel like a teenager around her.

Let's go outside.

- No.
- No?

I'm not gonna stay and make out with you.

I don't wanna make out with you.

What do you wanna do?

I just wanna stare into your pretty eyes.

It's so... it doesn't...

like, if we did that
for the next ten years,

it would be... that would enough for me.

- Ah!
- I am fucking joking!

It is very playful between Lauren and I.

She's being a little bit of a tease.

She's... she's playing with
me, and I think it's fun.

Let's go and not make
people wonder where we are.

Do you have to go to the bathroom now?

- No.
- Okay.

Why?

I'm not expecting to like anybody,

and here's this girl who
has, like, all the qualities

that I would like in somebody,

and she's standing there
smiling and looking very cute.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God. Wow.

Wow.

Lauren and Kiyomi... it
goes from, like, 0 to 60.

It's so bizarre.

Normally, Lauren is,
like, the one in power

and she's, like, definitely a top.

And that's, like, sort of what makes her,

like, more attractive.

But now, like, seeing her as, like,

this submissive girl to, like,
this more masculine lesbian,

it's just, like, turn-off
in, like, every angle.

It's just... to me I'm
just like, "ew, I'm dry."

I don't buy Kiyomi.

I think the only reason
she's making out with her

- is to try to get attention.
- Really?

I'm not drunk, dude. I smell a fish.

And right now, I'm like,
"don't do it, dude."

It seems as though Kiyomi
and Lauren have gotten quite

cozy day one at Dinah.

People seem to not be so excited.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

You know, I'm from New
York. I know Kiyomi.

She has a girl back in New York.

But, Lauren, keep that one eye open.

Don't be that dumb girl.

Whatever. You have fun at Dinah.

What happens at Dinah stays at Dinah.

I don't wanna be with anyone else but you.

No?

You good?

Mm-hmm.

This first day at Dinah was
just way too much stress.

Like, it's a little overwhelming.

I'm preparing myself for this weekend.

I can see how it's all gonna go.

And all I wanna do is just stay
in my room and be with Kelsey.

Oh, all right.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

No.

I feel old.

- It's like 3:00 a.m.
- But it's Dinah.

Double beds.

How quaint.

We have jobs,

and so we work from the
morning into the night.

We got a super late start.

Mm-hmm.

See, we can have sex on this bed tonight.

And then the next night we
can have sex on that bed.

I hope we'll be warming you
up for the next round at Dinah.

Things to do at Dinah before
you die... make Cori pregnant.

I bet you not many... many babies

were conceived at Dinah Shore.

Probably not. Although
not for lack of trying.

- But anytime we...
- Dinah!

Hey, you wanna know how I
know we're at Dinah Shore?

- Mm-hmm.
- See that?

We haven't seen that in a long time.

- I know.
- Oh, my God.

It's because my butt's too big.

No. It's not.

- Let's go to sleep.
- It's not big enough.

- Cold?
- No, it's not that cold.

It's not that bad.

I'm not ready to like somebody,

and this girl's taking
me completely off-guard.

But I'm just going to roll with it,

this is Dinah, after all.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Are you in a pool often
with girls here, like...

No.

"It seems like we've
known each other forever."

I cannot deny what I'm feeling,

and I can't deny my chemistry with Lauren.

I haven't felt this
way in a very long time.

- Hey.
- Leave me alone.

What the fuck, dude?

What is this pillow?

Where's Lauren?

- She's inside Hunter Valentine.
- Ew!

I wake up, and I'm extremely hungover.

My head is pounding.

And I roll over, and there's
fucking Ruby laying there

and I was like, "what is going on?"

No, I did not hook up with her.

There was no big spoon,
little spoon, forking...

anything going on in that bed.

Ew, so they're probably, like,
boning in a bush somewhere.

Dude, I'm showering. Fuck this.

- I'm showering and running away.
- Yeah.

We should get to know this Hunter person.

No, I don't want to.

You're gonna have to,

because she's about to be
your new freaking roomie.

- Shut up.
- From the way they look.

Dude, she lives in New York, thank God.

This is gonna get me in a lot of trouble.

What if I, like, go back to New York

and there's, like, pink hair?

It's so messed up. That's
like a dead giveaway.

Oh, my God.

I think when Kiyomi said she was
gonna be in trouble with the girl,

it kind of made me think twice

like maybe I'm not hearing everything,

because to me, it felt
like they were done.

But at the same time,

I'm not looking for a
relationship right now.

Honestly, I mean...

I don't know.

You have something that
you... you're trying to say,

and I'm not really sure what it is.

Well, no, because I don't feel weird.

I just... I don't want, um, you
to think that... or I just...

Mm-hmm?

What are you trying to say here?

I just... to me, as long
as you're not feeling

like you're doing something wrong.

Some people like to do
things that feel wrong.

Okay, the money is on the bedside table.

Fuck you.

You bitch.

Hi.

Hey.

How are you?

"Wos" much. Walk of shame much.

- What?
- It's not that hard.

- It's, like, literally next door.
- Where? The hotel?

- Yeah.
- That they're staying at?

Uh-huh.

Lauren finally just, like, rolls back in

and then she's like smiles for Miles,

skipping back into the room obviously
after boning Kiyomi all night.

And it was so obnoxious.

Wife.

Why is all my shit on the floor?

Dude, come look at it. This is not cool.

Oh, really? Okay, bye.

You guys can have fun.

I'll just go eat by myself.

What happened last
night? You sleep with her?

Yeah.

- And how was it?
- It was good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, we had fun together.

That's good.

She's, like, really sweet, you know.

Like, we get along really well.

I think it's gross. I don't
find Kiyomi attractive.

So when I think of my
best friend fucking Kiyomi,

it's gross.

Are you starting to like her?

Am I, like, falling for her? No.

What are you talking about?

That's what I heard from my friend.

I'm just, you know, gonna be pissed off

if, like, she ends up being
a dick and it bums you out.

I can be a dick too.

You just seemed, like,
really into her yesterday.

You were like a little puppy.

I was drinking, and we were having fun.

That's... that is what it is.

Okay.

Well, I'm in a good mood today.

Yeah, you seem like it.

All right. Whatever.

Well, I actually was in a
great mood until you walked in.

I think it's hypocritical that
Amanda is giving me so much shit

when all she's been doing
is, like, running off

and doing stuff without me.

Now it's my turn to have
some fun with someone

and she's getting kind of
jealous and funny about it.

She's so full of shit.

She totally likes this girl and was
being a defensive bitch about it.