The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City - full transcript

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Previously on
"The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City"...

- True or false?
- Uh-oh.

- You play golf with your wife.
- I do.

- Bah!
- Ohh!

I was very disappointed
in seeing how people who purport

to be friends of Jen
were treating her.

I never attacked Jen,
and that was hurtful for me.

She needs support and friends,
and I can't be that right now.

Meredith and Mary are tight.

What if the private investigator
came across something

and she told Mary?



And that's why Meredith and Mary
were not on the bus with us.

[♪]

The only thing I'm guilty of
is being...

[singsongy] Shah-mazing!

In a town
of beauties and beasts,

there's only one Wild Rose.

You don't have to like me.

I love myself enough
for the both of us.

I have plenty of everything,
including opinions.

I may be known for my ice,
but I always bring the heat.

If you come for me,
I will send Jesus after you.

I was raised a Mormon,

but now I'm raising
a glass of champagne.

[♪]



*THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SALT LAKE CITY*
Season 02 Episode 16

Aired on:
January 09, 2022.

Episode Title:
"Holy Mother of Zion"

[♪]

Mom, I'm ready for school.

Do you wanna go grab breakfast
while I change real quick,

and then I'll take you
to school?

You can make your own eggs.

Yeah, I don't wanna burn
the house down

like I did with
the paper towel roll. [laughs]

[♪]

- I love it.
- So this is what

we were envisioning
to host Seth's birthday.

I love this.

And then we would put
the dancer in the hot tub.

But I wanna see how deep
this goes.

Okay, so in theory, they could
dance on this second step.

Wait, but how do you know how
tall your dancers are?

How big of a difference
is it going to be?

Whatever. It's not my party.
I don't care.

[♪]

Right here?

Oh.

- The dishes need to be matched.
- Those dishes are scary.

These are Mama's.
These are Mama's Wedgewood, yes.

Yeah, you're getting out the...

Yeah, you don't touch those.
Those are our "don't touch."

- You know that.
- Yes, ma'am.

I think everything I got in me
came from her.

Ab-Absolutely.

"You're disjointed."
No, sweetheart.

It's called class.

Ah, I heard that.

[♪]

What's up?

- John.
- Man.

You look good.

Justin! Looking sharp, brother.

How you doing?

John, you gonna show me
some things?

- Ah, not golf-wise.
- Oh, come on.

Who's this sexy guy coming up?

- What's up, Duy?
- I'm glad you made it, man.

With the beer, man.

Bad day of golf beats
a good day at work, right?

What's up, my man?
Good to see you.

[♪]

- Me and Seth against you two?
- Let's do it.

- Yeah.
- Let's do that.

All right, well, let's take it
to the first hole then.

Giddy-up!

- [motor revving]
- No sharp turns.

[♪]

We're gonna play blues,

and we're gonna have Seth
play the yellows.

Be careful of the backswing.

You're the man!

- Oh!
- Oh, I went real short.

It's all right.
There's nothing riding on this.

- 20 bucks a hole?
- That works.

I'm--I'm good with that.
By the way,

65 yards, 4 guys,
no one on the green.

[laughs] Nobody's on the green.

- [laughter]
- So pathetic!

If I had my choice to golf
with Meredith or a guy friend,

Meredith would 100% understand
when I say,

"I'd rather golf
with a guy friend than you"

because Meredith
doesn't love the game.

Bam! There we go.

- That's a good one.
- There we go.

- That's a real good one, John.
- Whoo!

- Get up there.
- Look at this!

- Look at that.
- Look at this.

- Nice.
- [clapping]

Dang.

We got Mother's Day coming up.

Are you--Are you guys
already prepared?

You got your Mother's Day gift?

- Uh...yeah.
- When is Mother's Day?

- It's a week from Sunday.
- I'm working on it.

So you know, maybe we send
the women away together

to some type of excursion
or retreat.

- The losing cart pays.
- That's a great idea.

Like a corporate offsite
for the women

where they can build--

Yeah,
galvanize the relationships.

Yeah. That's strategy.
I feel like--

That's strategy.

I feel like
it's a good strategy.

- That's strategy, man.
- I have to agree. Let's do it.

All right, all right,
we're going with that.

- You're a genius.
- We're going with that.

Let's be honest.
If the women can go on a trip

and start to get along better,

that just means more time
for me and the guys.

- Look at this!
- Yeah, yeah.

- Stop. Cool.
- That is slow.

Yeah, you're on.

So, Seth, your birthday party
tomorrow.

- Yes.
- What do you expect of us?

What can we do for you?

What presents can we bring
for you?

- Cleavage encouraged.
- [laughs]

- Which...
- Cleavage for the guys?

- Cleavage encouraged.
- [laughter]

Just make sure that message
gets heard in your house.

- Please, Lord!
- [laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

[♪]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Welcome to the Cliff Spa.
- Thank you.

I have a robe and sandals
for you guys.

Fab.

[♪]

- Oh. Hi!
- Hey!

I'm just waiting
for the locker room.

- How are you?
- Good.

- Ah, we need a spa day.
- Oh, my gosh, girl. Yes.

You're supposed--this was
supposed to be sporty spa day.

- Take a load off.
- This is sporty.

Well...what sports, pray tell?
[laughs]

We never know where we're
gonna go after, right?

I'll take you guys
over to the pool.

Okay, thank you so much.

When I was growing up,
anytime my mom had

a friend in need,
she would take over a casserole

or get a group of women
to go over and clean her house,

but I'm not in the mood to bake,

and I'm not in the mood
to clean.

So I wanna show Jen that I care
and I think

a day at the spa is something

that she really could use
right now.

[♪]

It is so beautiful.

Paparazzis are out.

I bet they're doing, like,
a rescue or something.

Here you go.

[♪]

Do you want me to put these
on the table for you guys?

We're just gonna eat 'em
right here. Is that okay?

Of course. Enjoy. Let me know
if you guys need anything else.

[♪]

[laughing] I know.
Bring the lifeguard.

[♪]

[glasses clink]

Cheers to the, um,
Garden of Eden.

Mm-hmm.

This is the experience
I was expecting

when, um, you guys took me
to Ted Bundy's campground.

[♪]

- Oh, I love it.
- Yeah, I don't.

What the [bleep] is this sh--?

- I mean...
- I much prefer this,

so thank you.
- It's true. This is--

This is the much more
luxurious setting for sure.

I just felt like, you know what?
You need a little me time,

a little luxury time.
- Thank you so much. Yeah.

Every time we try to, like,
take your mind off things

and have a good time,
it comes back to, like, drama.

I mean, Jennie's lunch
and then Whitney's party.

- Yeah.
- There's so much to discuss.

What did you think of, uh,
Meredith, like, defending you?

Okay, I'm very confused
about that

because she was, like,
telling you guys, like,

"If you're gonna be
Jen's friend,

then you need to show up
and be a better friend,

but I'm not her friend."

Like, are you invited
to Seth's party on Saturday?

Did Meredith send you
an invite?

[♪]

No.

[♪]

Coming up...

Don't talk to your friend
like that!

No, no! Get out
of my ----ing face!

Talk to your friend like this!
Talk to Meredith like this!

I am done.
Get out of my ----ing way.

What are you gonna do,
jump out the ----ing car?!

Get out of my way.
Get out of my way.

Sit your ass down!
Push me one more ----ing time!

- Go ----ing...
- Come on! Come on! Come on!

[♪]

Are you invited to Seth's party
on Saturday?

Did Meredith send you
an invite?

[♪]

- No. I didn't get an invite.
- No?

- And you know what?
- Wait, wait, wait.

She didn't text you?
She didn't call you? Nothing?

No.

Bitch.

It feels like Jen Shah's
moved on.

It feels like Meredith
hasn't moved on.

Okay, you just don't like me
just because--

because you're an evil-ass bitch
that is pissed off

because her membership at
Facetune ran out. Okay, got it.

- You haven't done anything?
- No, I have got--

- I sent her family--
- Have you liked anything?

Nothing. There was no issue.
We had worked everything out.

I think Meredith
is treating me different

because of the accusations
and allegations.

I'm, like, the easy scapegoat
for stuff.

It's just, like,
throw it on the pile.

But I mean, like,
look at Mary.

Jen's online.
Throw it on the pile.

Mary has said
so many hurtful things.

No, she has. That's true.

But people don't call her out
for it.

What is the strangest phenomenon
is Meredith is loyal to Mary

like we all expected her to be
to Lisa, and that's splintering,

and she's not being loyal
to Lisa,

but she is absolutely
Mary's number one.

And Meredith is
Mary's number one,

and who saw that ever happening?

But that's why--that also
is not in line with Meredith.

Meredith is about,
supposedly,

what's right and wrong.

Come on.
You know Mary M. Cosby is wrong.

She can dish it out,

but the second you tell her
that she said something

very racially insensitive,
inappropriate,

she'll just, like,
"I'm not talking," and leave.

Have you noticed how many times

she will just disengage
and not talk?

Well, that's what happened
in Vail when you weren't there.

Mary didn't wanna address any
of the rumors about her church,

any of the things that
we've seen on social media.

She didn't wanna talk about it,
and we were all so traumatized

by what had just happened
with you,

and Mary said to Lisa,
"Look what happens

when you mess with my church.
You go to jail."

[♪]

Who--so who's she referring to,
me?

[♪]

Could--Would Mary have had
anything to do

with these accusations
or the fact that it's public?

Because Mary was not there
when we went to Vail.

She called me that morning.

She's now making
these statements

that, like, this is...
what she made happen.

[♪]

Girl, you know what?

Honestly, I wouldn't put
anything past her.

I think it's very coincidental.

Meredith doesn't come
to Beauty Lab.

She tells us
the night before late,

and then Mary, the day of,
30 minutes before,

says she's not coming?

I don't know how in the hell
anybody knew

that we were even at Beauty Lab.

So that's what
everyone wants to know,

is how did they know
that you were at Beauty Lab?

[♪]

Seems like Mary and Meredith
know more than any of us.

Well, I don't know.

[♪]

Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

The keys are in there.

Just bring it back in one piece,
please.

[♪]

You look beautiful, honey.

Thank you.
You look very handsome.

[♪]

This is the greatest party ever,
and it hasn't even started.

- Okay.
- And I'm gonna treat you

like my second wife all night.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- I love it.
- I'm such a lucky man.

[laughs]

Given all of the struggles that
Seth and I have been through

in recent years...

I think that we need
a little room.

You want room?
I'll give you room.

[♪]

It's been a long time since I've
thrown him a birthday party.

I did not throw him a 47th.

I did not throw him
a 48th birthday party,

but I am so excited
to celebrate 49.

- [elevator bell dings]
- Whoo, are we gonna be able

to put this elevator on pause
for a couple minutes or seconds?

[laughter]

[♪]

[elevator bell dings]

Lookie, lookie.

[♪]

How are you?

Chloe, fire!

---ing chic.

- Fire alert. Fire alert.
- You're looking...

- Happy birthday.
- Fire!

You guys look amazing.

[♪]

Hi.

[♪]

No way!

Brothers!

Big boy.

Benji, Brian, Milo.

This one actually came out...

Hello!

- Look at you, gorgeous.
- I love the dress!

- You look gorgeous.
- You do, too, babe.

Hi.

But Teddy is not
in chic cocktail attire.

I for sure do not wanna be
the one to tell Jen

that Teddy the dog made
the guest list and she didn't.

[♪]

- Hello.
- Hello! How are you?

- Oh!
- You look gorge.

Chic city. Hi, lover.

- Hi.
- How are you? Mwah.

Did you just see this?

Yeah. I saw it.
It's unbelievable.

No one understands that
this is what you look like

when you get separated,

and you're going back
into the playing field.

If midlife crisis could be
in a photo,

that's what it would be.
- Yeah, that's it.

Jen's not coming.
She didn't invite Jen.

Why?

'Cause she doesn't wanna be
her friend.

It's kinda, like, 'kay, is there
something else we don't know?

What if there's a bigger picture
that we don't know about?

[♪]

[singsongy] Hi!

Okay, I was going to wear
those pants in blue.

- We would've been twins.
- I'm not kidding you.

[♪]

- Oh, hi.
- Hello. What's up?

- Hello!
- Hi! [laughs]

- You're--You're--
- I'm like, who is that

grabbing me from behind?
- Me.

The Meredith Marks
and Lisa Barlow show begins.

They were
at each other's throats.

Do you care about me
as your friend?

'Cause I'm hurt by that.

Really? I saw her walk away
hysterically crying

and calling her husband.

- Meredith, don't worry about it.
- That's it.

Hey, we gotta talk,
'cause I'm, like, so upset.

Yeah, you're continually
attacking me

and yelling at me...

Oh, that's how--
Oh, okay. Bye, Meredith.

I'm not chasing again.

And now they're air kissing
and hugging like...

nothing ever happened.

And it bugs me.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hey! How are you?

Oh, your lipstick match
my pants.

Um, your dancer looks like she's
really having a good time.

[♪]

Teddy. Hi, baby. Hi, love.

You came, huh?

No, he's fine. I love Teddy.
He is.

Oh. They never forget, though.
Yeah, that loyalty's amazing.

I'm ignoring Jennie

because Jennie deserves
to be ignored today.

Mary, how is your day?

I don't know yet.
Maybe ask me in an hour.

I only came because
Seth invited me himself,

and then I loved the invitation,
and I did come for Meredith.

Coming up...

I know that you have a certain
appreciation for my cleavage.

I thought I'd give you
a mouthful.

[laughter]

So you never have
to hear it again.

She gave you full nipples, even.

[laughter]

[♪] Hey, hey

I'm right here.

- [laughter]
- What's up, baby?

You gotta, like, encourage it.
Maybe--

You put the shell
in your mouth?

[glasses clink]

Oh, oh, there you go.

- Oh. Pull. Pull.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Uhh!

[♪]

Good job.

That made me very uncomfortable,
but...

- It made everyone uncomfortable.
- [laughter]

- Hi.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

- I'm enjoying Teddy.
- Oh, my gosh.

- He came and jumped on me.
- Isn't he a sweetheart?

I have his paws on me.
So what's up?

How did you feel
about everything

after Whitney's thing?
- Uh, It's like--it's a struggle.

Um... I just don't feel like
people are real friends.

We're all showing a little more
cleavage, Whitney-inspired.

You know, I figured it was
for Seth's birthday, so...

- [laughter]
- You're rubbing off on me.

[laughs]

It felt, to me,
like it was an attack

rather than someone trying
to have a discussion with you

so that you have growth.
- Exactly. Yeah.

We don't know--
all know everything.

You know, I could say something
that would be

culturally offensive to you...

MARY: And I'm okay right now.
There's none of them that can

have a conversation with me
from go.

...because I didn't know
what happened.

Jennie's feelings are 100%
legitimate and valid,

but I don't understand so much
on the shoes.

I don't think that was
such a big deal.

You handed me a gift,
but the way it was given to me,

with my culture,
it was very insulting

because it was like a regift.
- What's wrong with that?

But if she says
it's culturally offensive,

then I believe it.

If it was culturally offensive,
then you shouldn't have took

the shoes when I gave 'em
to you.

You should've been sensitive
to your culture then.

But that's okay. If I
offended you, I am very sorry,

'cause that's not what
I was trying to do.

So you're saying
that you told her

that the--the shoes
were for Jen?

I never told her.

I told Lisa.

- Oh, so Lisa told Jen...
- She had to have.

- I know I didn't.
- ...that the shoes

were not for her.
They were for Jen.

And that's when
the culture sensitive

start pinning, I guess.

But why would Lisa
tell her that?

[♪]

[sighs] Baby, Lisa's jealous
of me and you, you and me,

and she's trying to, like,

paint me a nasty person now
to get--because--

you two have, like, there's
a strain on the friendship.

[♪]

I think Lisa's jealous
of my friendship with Meredith

because she can't deliver
the honesty

that Meredith and I have.

Lisa has this vindictive way

of pretending to care
about you.

She's all about Lisa.

Honestly, like, I feel all

these, like, little digs
coming from her.

[♪]

I was saying that I have
compassion for Jen,

and you said, "I don't feel
the same way

because of what she did
to my son,"

and I understood that.

You know, even, like,
just saying,

you know, that she's--
she's maintaining a friendship

with Jen because she needs
to be a good person,

is the implication
that I'm a bad person?

- Yes.
- And I feel like the--

she's coming after me
because of the--because it's--

it's got to do with you.

[indistinct conversations,
laughter]

There's a lot of Joe
going around.

[♪]

Oh, hey, now! Hey, now!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

♪ Happy...

♪ Birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday dear Seth

♪ Happy birthday to you

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Mwah.

- Not just with her, okay?
- [laughter]

Thank you, thank you.

- Happy birthday, Seth.
- [laughter]

[amplified voice]
Everybody, please,

Duy has an announcement to make.

[chanting] Duy! Duy!

- Whoo!
- Yes, he does.

- Duy! I love...
- What is this announcement?

All right, ladies,
from all of us,

we wanna say thank you
for we have the greatest gift

you have ever given to us men,
which are our kids.

You've made us
beautiful families.

- So thank you very much.
- Aw.

So just as
a sign of appreciation,

all of us, especially John and I
'cause we're paying for this,

'cause we lost a golf game.
- [laughter]

My fault.

If he misses this,
Duy and John pay for the trip.

Comes down to this.

[♪]

ALL: Ohh!

We're giving you a gift
for Mother's Day,

so this is a treat
for all of you

to go down to Zion.

John has booked us a villa
for you,

and you are gonna have
the best time of your life.

Happy Mother's Day,
and we love you.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

- Aw! Thank you.
- Very nice. Thank you.

I'm proud to be the mom.
I didn't think it would earn me

a trip to Zion's
with these bitches.

- When are they going, Duy?
- Let's plan for Monday.

- Wow.
- Monday?

Monday. We're leaving Monday.
That quick, huh?

Are we inviting Jen?

That's a great question.

[♪]

We're giving you guys
a gift for Mother's Day.

John has booked us a villa
for you.

Are we inviting Jen?

Sharrieff was part
of our team as well.

[♪]

Usually for Mother's Day,
I love breakfast in bed,

maybe some spa time,
I don't know.

But the last thing
I was thinking

was celebrating Mother's Day
with Mama Shah.

[♪]

Baby, come down here.
I have a surprise.

Okay, what we got going on?

Look, this is our homework
for couples therapy.

[♪]

Okay.

We are gonna paint to express
how we feel about our spouse.

I am probably
the best student ever

in all of my therapy sessions

now that this court thing's
happening, 'cause guess what.

I need all of the support,
advice, and help that I can get.

I just don't remember
the assignment

saying we had to draw.
He said--He said just express...

- Yeah, express.
- Let's express.

We're gonna express it
in painting.

Yeah. Okay.

As ridiculous as some
of the assignments might seem

to Coach Shah,

I am, like,
no, we need to do this.

So I'm making sure we're doing
every single thing,

because I'm not taking anything
for granted anymore at all.

And then we can keep these
forever.

I don't know if you're gonna
want this one forever, honey.

- Yeah. Yes, I am.
- Well, but you know what?

It's gonna be
somewhat beautiful, I think.

So I wanna know
about the house hunting.

You know, you've done
a good job, baby.

[♪]

- Oh.
- [switch clicks]

It's like a spotlight
on the top bunk.

Why do we need a spotlight
on the top bunk?

So let's look at the master.

Okay.

And...wait.

My stuff and Coach's stuff is
clearly not gonna fit in here.

You're absolutely right.

- It's only 2 bedrooms.
- Okay.

That's not the one.

It's okay. I get it. I get it.
We--We'll find the one.

I just, like, there's just
so much happening right now

and so much, like,
change and...

It's been such
a stressful period

in the last four weeks.

It's been--It's been hell.

And so I talked
to my man, big Justin,

'cause you know I was not able

to make the golfing event
on Friday.

All I know is all of the girls

are going to go on
a nice little trip to Zion

for Mother's Day.
- All of what girls?

- Everybody will be there.
- All the group?

- Our whole group of friends?
- That's what Justin said.

But are you sure
that I'm invited?

Yes, baby, I'm cer--
I'm certain.

Because Seth had
a birthday party,

and we weren't invited.

Well, baby, you and Meredith
have been feuding.

But we haven't been feuding.
She just all of a sudden

is acting strange...
- Well... Well...

...after this whole thing
happened.

Well, ever since
what has happened occurred,

then she's felt
some type of way,

and so if she chose not to
invite us, then that's on her.

Right.

Okay. So what is yours saying?
I'll tell you mine.

"My love for you is strong
and eternal,

and we're so blessed."

Oh, that's so sweet, baby.
I love yours.

Well, mine's not that good.
But I started with a dog.

Because you're loyal
to your children.

You're loyal to your husband.
You're loyal to your friends.

You love the beach, and you love
for the sake of loving.

I love that. Thanks, baby.

We're gonna let these dry,
and then we'll show the boys.

Um...no.

[♪]

Amazing.

[laughter]

Ohh!

I think this might be
a gift for you, honey.

- [laughter]
- Oh, yeah!

Hello!

I know that you have a certain
appreciation for my cleavage.

[laughs]

You set the bar for cleavage,

and I want her to get
the same exact cleavage.

I've been talking to Meredith

about getting
the Whitney augmentation.

Oh!

Justin, will you give me
Whitney's plastic surgeon?

I mean, that is art
in its purest form.

- [laughs]
- For art.

- So I thought I'd give you...
- For art!

I thought I'd give you
a mouthful...

[laughter]

So that we'd never
have to hear it again.

- But that's--
- She made you full nipples even.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughter]

Like, if you're gonna bring
a rack,

bring Meredith's rack.
Don't bring your own.

Uh...

Whitney, we need comparison!

No, no comparison!

[laughter]

She doesn't think Meredith's
rack is better-looking? I do.

Look at these boobs.

[cheers and laughter]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

[♪]

- I'm a Miami/
- New York girl, and I actually love Chicago.

- You guys met here, though.
- Actually, no--

He dated my older sister,
but they didn't have sex.

Allegedly.

I would--it would've been
off-limits.

When my sister first found out
I was engaged to John...

Let's just say she said
a few things

that probably weren't that nice.

He kissed her a couple times.

Okay, that--that's okay.
It was just to get to you.

[laughs]

I'm--I'm blending in.
I'm one of the dancers.

[♪]

[♪]

No.

I felt like it was maybe
two steps forward

at Whitney's event, you know,
where kind of

some sort of resolve,
like, you were

the measured, defending...
- Yeah.

...neutral one, you know?

I'm scared that this is going to
really hurt Jen's feelings

that she wasn't included.

I think Coach and Seth,

you know, seem to have, like,
a bro-ship.

You know, and so it was
a loophole.

You know, for both Seth and I,
it's very problematic

what has gone on from Jen
to our family,

and so there was just not
a super compelling reason

to do that.

Is there more to the story
that we need to know

so we know what we're dealing,
like, dealing with or...

You know?

[♪]

- No one wants to be a fool.
- We don't wanna, like--Yeah.

But is there more
that we don't know about?

Of course there is.

[♪]

I've said a lot already,

and she is a person
who is in a lot of pain,

and I don't know that I wanna,
like, do anything

that's gonna inflict any more.

Meredith is putting
her law degree at use here.

She is giving me
all of the workarounds,

all of the language to not
answer the question,

which clearly states that I'm
going to have to get a subpoena

to get the information.

[♪]

[indistinct conversations]

Take off the pants!

[indistinct conversations,
laughter]

Take off the pants, Seth!

- Oh, my God!
- [cheering]

I didn't even get
to do the countdown.

[cheers and laughter]

[chanting] Meredith! Meredith!

- No, no, no!
- [cheering]

Get her in! Get her in!
Get her in!

Go, go, go, go, go!

[cheering]

Yes!

No!

I am not jumping in this water
because I have on

an Alexander McQueen outfit
that was not made for a pool.

I like my outfit.

Should we go in the hot tub?

- Hot tub.
- Whoo!

[♪]

Oh, my gosh! I love it!

- Oh, my goodness.
- No! No!

Don't put me in! No!
I'm gonna pee in my pants! Oh!

- Come down! Oh, yeah!
- Whoa! Ohh!

[laughter]

She almost ate sh--.

[laughing] What are we gonna do?

- Yes!
- You're baptized.

- Aah!
- [laughter]

- Yes!
- [cheering]

This is the best birthday
I've ever had in my life

since I was in the balls
at McDonald's.

[laughter]

Coming up...

Meredith slandered
my ----ing name!

Just so you know,
I'm not taking away from that.

It's not my fault because
she ----ing had an affair!

[♪]

So are you gonna make
your own lunch in the morning

for tomorrow when I'm not here?

Mac and cheese?
It's on the package.

[♪]

That's adorable.
That's really cute.

Is that kind of Zion, though?

I don't know what shoes
I'd wear. Maybe...

- Mm, not those shoes.
- Not--Not my combat boot?

[laughs]

[♪]

Oh, boy, this is what happens
when I pack myself.

[cellphone chiming]

Hi, Whitney Rose, how are you?

I'm good. I'm just, um, packing
and getting ready for the trip,

and I saw your text about
the Cinco de Mayo party in Zion.

Yes, girl. Okay, I just wanna
get you in the mood.

- [rattles]
- Yes.

[laughs]

Okay, that's why I'm calling
'cause I'm like, 'kay,

this is Jen Shah's
Cinco de Mayo party.

I feel a little pressure,
like what the hell do I wear?

This isn't an outfit contest...

No.

No, this is not--
I am not setting you up.

-[♪] La cucaracha, la cucaracha
- [rattling]

No, I'm not setting you up.
[laughs]

[♪]

- How you doing?
- Kevin!

How are ya?

You think we're gonna have as
an exciting ride as last time?

[laughs] Oh, my gosh.

[♪]

- Looking beautiful today.
- Thank you very much.

- Hi, Jennie.
- Hello, girl!

- Look at you!
- How are you?

Do you feel like you have
déjà vu?

- Yeah! Oh, my God. Yes.
- [laughs]

When I sat down in my same seat,

I was like...
this is really weird.

This is, like, PTSD.

The same bus. The same driver.

The same people.

I just hope there's no FBI

coming to raid the bus
this time.

[rattling]

Who's ready to party?!

- How are ya?
- Hi.

[♪] La cucaracha

Who's on the party bus?

There ain't no road trip
like a Jen Shah trip.

Whoo!

Yes! I made it on the bus!

- Whoo!
- Made it on the goddamn bus!

- Yes!
- You better stay on the bus.

- Stay on the bus this time.
- [laughter]

Don't leave me, Mom.
I don't wanna go.

I told you a thousand times.
I'll be good.

I'll do the dishes.
I'll do whatever you want!

- Kev!
- Heather! How you doing?

[amplified voice] Yes!
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

- Oh!
- That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

- Who's ready for...
- Well, uh... Let's go!

- Is that your hiking outfit?
- Yes, it is!

[♪] I'm going hiking,
I'm going hiking [♪]

[♪] La cucaracha

Lisa Barlow!

Hey.[laughs]

Hi!

It's not my purpose. Hey.
I brought food.

- Oh, wow!
- I brought food.

- [cheering]
- I did.

- I'm getting PTSD right now.
- I am, too.

- How long are we staying here?
- Before the strippers arrive.

We have to get out of here
before the strippers arrive.

[amplified voice]
Kevin, for real, we need to go.

[♪]

[laughter]

- This is Vail part two.
- [laughs]

So where is Mary and Meredith?

I think Mary probably called
Meredith, her bestie,

and was like,
"Hey, what are you doing?

I'll see you in the morning,"

and then Meredith
was probably like,

"I'm not riding on the bus
with Jen,"

and then Mary's like,
"Well, I'm going with you."

I don't think it's coincidence
that once again,

Meredith and Mary are not
on the bus with us.

Like, is it because Jen's here?
Is it because I'm here?

Do we smell? Do they not like
our snack choices?

Well, she missed the first trip
because of her dad's memorial.

Do you think that's true,
though?

Do you guys think
that's the truth?

What was weird
was that she was--

she was co-hosting the trip
with me,

and she told me the night before
that she wasn't gonna be there,

so I assumed it was 'cause

she had to go to her memorial
in Aspen.

But then you called her.
You were like,

"She's in the middle
of her memorial."

I feel awful calling you.

Jen's husband, um,
is in the hospital.

Meredith, I hate
interrupting you right now.

Go be with your family
right now.

I love you.
I'll see you in a little bit.

All right, I love you.
All right, bye.

Yeah, she was in the middle
of something. I don't know.

But wasn't she in Vail?

I don't think any of us
really know.

No, when we got there,
she was in Vail.

None of us really know what--
what the hell was going on.

I mean, It's just twice now.
Two girls trips to...

Three strikes you're out.

Like, that we've all been left
on a bus without them.

So wait a minute.
If I wasn't here,

do you think that Mary
and Meredith

would be on the bus?

Did Meredith say
why she was flying?

She's being, like, vague
about it.

I'll tell you guys what
sealed the deal, okay?

They have a close relationship,
and it's just gotten closer.

- Jen Shah's...
- Right here.

...fake, alleged arrest
and allegations.

And then Jennie tells me

Meredith hired
a ----ing private investigator?

Who hires a private investigator
on somebody

unless you don't have sh--
to hide yourself?

It was mentioned at the Vail.
You guys all heard it.

Jennie, I hired
a private investigator

when this happened.

[♪]

My son was being threatened.

- Oh, my gosh.
- And the investigator told me

he thought it was
extraordinarily likely

that it was coming from Jen.

Are you ----ing kidding me?

I'm sorry, but, like,
I think we can all agree

if you're gonna hire
a private investigator,

your intention is to do harm.

Why would you need to do that?

She hired
the private investigator

to investigate
threatening texts and emails

that Reid had gotten
and Brooks had gotten.

She got information about you
as well.

How come when we went to Vegas,

Lisa, you specifically came
to me and said,

"I heard that you are
researching all of us,

and you're digging into it."

They all were saying
Jen's trying

to get information on everyone
to, like, use it against them.

Okay, that is so--could not be--
I didn't say that.

I'm busy! I had--
That is the dumbest thing

I've ever heard of,

and now your best friend
of 10 years

hired a private investigator
to look into me,

and no one says anything?

- I'm hearing you.
- I hope you're hearing me,

'cause I ----ing got
crucified before about it.

Well, don't take it out on me,
though.

You said that's the reason,
"I don't know if I can be

friends with you, Jen, because
of all the stuff I'm hearing,"

and your friend actually
did that,

and now here we are, so do
the same standards apply or not?

I don't dig up dirt on people.
Like, I just don't.

- I don't either.
- Yeah.

But your best friend does.

Don't hold me accountable
for what anybody else does.

I don't know why everybody
believes Meredith

when she opens
her ----ing mouth

and words come out.
- I would not--

No, no, no,
everyone believes her.

If Jen Shah says it,
"Holy [bleep],

we need 10 years, 10 judges,
3 priests,

and a bunch of nuns.
- [laughs]

Meredith and I were not okay
at pho,

and at Whitney's event...
- You were not okay. You were--

- ...I was not okay.
- She was yelling at Meredith

at Whitney's event.
- I wasn't yelling at her.

- I wasn't yelling at her.
- If you guys don't see

what Meredith was doing...
- It seemed like you were

yelling at her.
- You guys are being--No.

- No, I was not yelling at her.
- You guys are weak as [bleep].

Meredith slandered
my ----ing name.

LISA: How would I know
there was a problem?

If there was a problem--

There are homophobic tweets
regarding my son's sexuality

that you have liked.

- You can't do that!
- I comb out

what I think is right and wrong.
I do. I--

Do you think what Meredith did
all last year was wrong

by targeting me when it wasn't
just my fault?

Do you think that was wrong?

What the [bleep]
did I have to do with--

with any of her bullsh--?!
I didn't do anything!

I'm not taking away from that
at all. I'm not.

Just so you know,

I'm not taking away from that,
but I have said--

It's not my fault because
she ----ing had an affair!

That's not my fault!

[♪]

Meredith slandered
my ----ing name.

Just so you know,

I'm not taking away from that,
but I have said--

It's not my fault because
she ----ing had an affair!

If you're not getting it
from home,

you're going to go
somewhere else.

What is going on, Jen?

I don't know.
You have to ask Meredith.

- That's not my fault!
- No, it's not.

- Why is it my fault?!
- I-I honestly--

- Why is that my ----ing fault?!
- It's not. It's not your fault.

But the one thing--
the one thing I have to say

is I don't wanna be
held accountable

for what anybody else says
and does but myself.

- But that's your best friend.
- I wanna--

I am not responsible
for anything

Meredith ever says and does.
- Well, this is--if I heard that,

I-I stand up for what she does
because you can't--

you can't do that, Lisa.

I think it's--I think
I'm in a hard situation

because I care
about both of you.

Lisa, you can't do that, though.

You sign up,
or you don't sign up.

I feel bad that

Jen's finally realizing
that Lisa's a sh--ty friend,

but I was right.

And I'm usually right.

You guys are weak as [bleep].

Meredith is playing
all of you guys.

She shows up at Whitney's event
being like,

"Oh, my gosh, Jen, who I ----ing
hate with my entire being,

we all--you all need to be
friends with her and show up,

except for me, because I can't
be a friend right now,

and I don't have to tell you why
I can't be a friend right now."

I'm telling you guys,
and you ----ing take that in.

Like, what the [bleep]?

I don't want this tension
with you, Jen.

- I want you to just--
- There's no tension!

I am upfront about this sh--.

You treat Meredith differently
than you treat me

and everyone else.

That's the ----ing truth.

You guys have to understand,
I've been friends with her

for, like, 10 years.
- Good! She's a piece of sh--.

- I know--
- So sign up for her.

Do you know, it's kind of ironic

that Jen's asking me
to choose sides right now.

I have chosen sides.

I have had Jen's back
more than anybody else,

and, like, you know, putting
my friendship with Meredith

almost on the line.

I'm at the point where I'm done.
It's never enough.

You know what? Meredith and I
have to work through some stuff.

The double standard
with Meredith is

I don't know how she can say,

"I love kindness.
I wanna be kind,"

and defend the person
that's the ----ing meanest

in the whole ----ing group.
- Why does--

- I just--
- But why is she doing it, Lisa?

I could be treated the same
and have all these same--

I have treated you the same.
I had your ----ing back.

- Jen, I did. I did.
- You need to stop saying that...

This is what
we're talking about.

...because you didn't when
sh-- went out online!

Well, at the end of the day,
we have to worry about you.

We'll talk to Meredith
about this. It's not--

- No, you guys, I'm tired!
- Yeah.

- We'll talk to Meredith.
- But you would afford--

I'm asking you, would you afford
me the same ----ing thing?

- Yes.
- No, you wouldn't! You haven't.

- You have not!
- I'm sorry. I am sorry.

- I will.
- I will tonight.

- Yeah.
- No, you haven't!

And let us do it moving forward.
From this moment on...

- Yes, I will.
- Listen, Jen.

...we are, and Lisa is going to
from now on, right?

- 100%. Yes, 100%.
- Can we give it? Yes.

- You haven't held...
- Yes!

...the same accountability
than her?!

We haven't,
because I haven't--

- No, you haven't!
- Oh, my God.

Because I haven't
----ing cared.

- About me?! Then say it!
- No, about the other one.

- No, then say it!
- Not you. No. No.

- Then say it!
- You're taking it the opposite

of what I'm saying.
- Say it, or I'm out.

Say it or I'm ----ing out.

Okay, now I'm confused
at what we're saying.

What about all the sh--
that I've been through?!

Jen, I can't go backwards.
I can't.

Oh, thank you
for not going backwards.

Listen, wait.
You and I have talked--

- Lock that--Lock that door.
- Shut the [bleep] up!

Okay, fine.
I'll shut the [bleep] up.

That's just as bad as what
everybody else is doing.

Oh, is it? It's just as bad
as what Mary M. Cosby

and your ----ing friend
for 10 years has done to you?!

- Is it?!
- I-I literally...

- Is it?! Is it, Lisa?!
- I'm shutting down!

I'm shutting the [bleep] down
right now! I can't--

Then talk to your friend
like that!

No, no, get out
of my ----ing face!

Talk to your friend like that!
Talk to Meredith like that!

I'm done. I am done.
Get out of my ----ing way!

- Get out of my ----ing way!
- What are you gonna do,

jump out the ----ing car?
- Get out of my way!

- Get out of my way!
- Sit your ass down!

- Hey!
- Push me one more ----ing time!

- Go ----ing...
- Come on, come, come on!

[horn blares]

[women shouting at once]