The Real Housewives of New York City (2008–…): Season 12, Episode 7 - How Ya Like Them Apples? - full transcript

- Previously on...

- I need some water.
Is this water?

- No, honey, it's all vodka.

[ indistinct conversations ]

- There you go. It's over.
- It's over.

- Let the curse be lifted.
We're done.

- Do you wanna be a legend,
or do you wanna be a fairy tale?

- What do you think?
- Oh, [bleep] the fairy tale.

Be a legend.

- John never misses
the opportunity to make...

- To [bleep] it up.
- To make a bad decision.



- That's hot.

- I feel like John sometimes
makes lifestyle choices

that he knows I don't like.

- Richard loved it here.
Who doesn't love it here?

Yeah, I do, too.

- Ever since
Dorinda's been renovating

all that damage
in the Berkshires,

it's really dredging up
a lot with her.

She's, like, talking
about Richard nonstop.

- Everything I do
with you, Tinsley...

- No. Really?
- ...is not good.

- I am so sick and tired
of people talking for me

and making a judgment about me.
I am so sick of it!

♪♪♪♪♪



- I'm not always right,
but I'm never wrong.

♪♪♪♪♪

- I'm no one's accessory.
I'm the whole lifestyle brand.

- I don't need to find love.
I love myself.

- I may float like a butterfly,
but I sting like a bitch.

- Life isn't a fairy tale,

but I'm hoping
mine's the exception.

- Raise the curtain.
Lower the lights.

I'm taking center stage
in my life.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Yes! That's what I'm talking
about right there!

Hey, Tinsdale.

- [ squeals and grunts ]

- Yeah, that's what
I'm talking 'bout.

- Yes!
- Now you're a New Yorker.

- [ laughs ]

[ horn honks ]

- Hello!
- Hey, how are you?

- How beautiful's the High Line?
- Mmm. It's gorgeous.

You know what?
I never get down here.

- Hi! How are you?
- Hi! How are you?

- How you doing? We're good.
- How are you, honey? Mwah.

Look at you.
You got faux fur already.

That's the perfect jacket to go
with your gray jumpsuit

that Sonja sent you...
- I know, right?

- ...for the fashion show,
right?

♪♪♪♪♪

- [ laughing ]
- Aah!

- I was gonna surprise you
and grab you.

- Like a stalker.
- Oh, my God, honey.

- That's crazy.
Oh, my God. [ laughs ]

- But then you turned around
and got to see me.

- I like this area because
it's quiet. It's, like, not...

- It's very pretty.

♪♪♪♪♪

- So how you doing, kid?
- I'm, um, I'm pretty good.

I'm good.

- Okay, so we went from
pretty good to good to okay.

- No, I... I'm good.
- You're good?

- Yeah.
- Not great?

- I'm not great, but I'm good.
- Okay. When you were...

- I'm better... I'm better than
I was the last time I saw you.

- Listen to me. Come over here.
Come over here.

- [ crying ]
- I want to...

- Honey, are you okay?

- I'm just really overwhelmed
by a lot of stuff right now.

- Why do you have to?
- I wanna live my best life,

and my best life has to be
in a certain box.

- What's your best life? Being
in the greeting card business?

- I'm in a much better place
right now. I'm single.

You know, I'm pa...
- You like being single?

- I like that I'm... I like...
Yeah. Well, no.

I don't like being single.

- Okay, make up your mind.
- No.

Martin is really not easy
to talk to,

but he forces you
to sort of fight him.

You know, you're fighting him
with your fists,

and you're fighting him
with your words,

and he really makes me honest
with myself.

- So you're... got all these women
around you, right?

And do they instigate you?

- This girlfriend and I have had
this, like,

tension over nothing,
and she is saying

that I'm not sharing
or being open and honest

when that's all I'm doing.

- Who's the one you have
the problem with?

- My friend Dorinda.
- What's her name?

- Dorinda.

- Dorinda?
- Yeah.

- Where do you guys
get these names from?

- [ laughs ] I don't know.
- How do you...

- I don't know. I have no...
I don't know.

I just really don't know where
to go with Dorinda,

because I don't like arguments
with friends.

Like, I just want it
to be pleasant,

and I don't really feel like
she wants that.

I think that she likes to fight.
I don't.

So I just don't... I...
It's frustrating.

It's all frustrating.

- Did you get into a fight
last night?

- No, not physical, but it
was just like a, you know...

- Well, I didn't think so.

Yeah, I doubt you've been
physically fighting with her.

- Yeah.
- But a verbal fight?

- Yeah, it was pretty verbal,
yeah.

- And what happened?

- Now I don't know
what exactly happened

between Tinsley and Dorinda
last night,

but they were, like, almost,
like in a screaming fight.

- Everything I do with you,
Tinsley...

- No! Really?
- ...is not good.

And I... Yes!
- You attacked me and said

that I had this thing that
I didn't have and that I wasn't

being honest and open.
- I've been trying to progress...

- You haven't!
- Yes, I have!

- I've just had it with Tinsley.
I-I tried.

- Where are you...
- I'm done. I'm done.

- No, I'm wondering where
you're at now with her.

- I'm done with it. I don't
care. I mean, you know me.

I could eat Tinsley...
She's like a mint in my mouth.

Gone! You know what I mean?
- "Gone." [ laughs ]

- She's a mint in my mouth.
- Well...

- Oh, yeah, I guess it kinda
taste kinda good...

- Keep that in mind
when you're talking to her.

- I don't have to keep
anything in mind.

- 'Cause I think that she's,
like, she's gotta put a...

She puts a wall up
'cause she's like...

I'm not interested.
- Well, I mean,

but you have been.
- No, I don't.

- For someone who's not
interested in Tinsley,

Dorinda spends a lot of time
talking about her.

- I'm not interested.
- But you had...

- There is no "there" there
in my mind.

- I wanted to talk to her
by myself,

'cause that's the problem.

They all jump in, and I can't
ever get my, like...

I can't say anything.

- Come on.
Let's see what we got.

So let's do this.
I'm "Dorita," all right?

And I'm "Dorita," and you're
gonna... we're gonna box.

You ready? How would
you fight her? You would be...

- Oh, "Dorita." I was like,
who are you talking about? Okay.

- "Dorita"?
- Dorinda. Okay, okay.

- Dorinda?
When did she change her name?

- Okay. Dorin... [ laughs ] Okay.
- Okay, go.

- Okay. Uhh! [ bell rings ]

What am I doing?
What am I trying to do?

- Well, apparently you look like
you're hitting me in the nuts.

- I don't...
Okay, I'm not gonna do it.

Sorry. Not down there.

- You jammed me in the... ing...

- Sorry. [ laughs ]
- Come on.

Not down there.
Okay, okay, okay.

- Right there. There.

- I don't wanna hit you
in the head.

- You have to, 'cause I'm gonna
hit you in the head,

and I don't feel bad about it.
- No! No, you'd better not.

I'm gonna hit you in the head.
- What? Oh! Aah!

All right. Aah! - Come on.

- I will... Come on. Wait, wait.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Take her like a doormat.

- I'm not unhappy.

- Well, why were you crying
the last time about her?

- 'Cause I was just feeling
confused.

- Tinsdale.
- I'm done.

- Tinsdale.
- Done.

Done.
- So you give up then? You quit?

- I gave up.
- Okay.

- She is a type with a mother
who's overbearing, all right?

- Yep, you're right.
- From the South.

And you just have to accept her
for what she is.

- That's right,
and that's what I decided.

- I just think sometimes Dorinda

is, like, a little too hard
on Tinsley. I mean...

- Yeah.
- I think the fact that Tinsley

stopped seeing Brian, um,
you know, 'cause normally

she would just, you know,
keep going and keep trying

to make that work. - Yeah.

- The fact
that she stopped it...

- Yeah.
- And she realized

it wasn't working,
I think that's really great.

- Me, too.

- I think that's a big strive
for her.

- And I see... I see big changes
in Tinsley.

I mean, she's so free now.
- Yeah.

- And she's really comfortable
with herself.

- I don't know. Something must
go... be going on with, um...

- Dorinda. It's a little deeper.
- Dorinda.

I don't wanna use the word
"jealous,"

but I'm gonna use
the word "jealous."

Tinsley's always
been taken care of,

and Richard used
to take care of Dorinda.

I think she misses that life,

and Tinsley pretty much
has that life.

I just think we're all kind of
in the same place right now,

if you think about it.
We're all in a place where

we have a void of a partner
in our life... a partner.

Like, I really believe that...
No, I know Dorinda

missed having Richard...
Having a partner to help her

in the Berkshires.
- Hands-on guy.

And then whenever John tries
to help her with something,

she's like, "I got this."
It's just...

It's a different relationship,
and it's working.

They've been together
for seven years,

but she may have missed...
It was cut short with Richard...

- Right.
- ...that lavish,

"I'm married to a banker"
lifestyle.

- Right.

What can I say?
Apples and oranges

when it comes
to Richard and John.

Richard was a graduate
from Harvard,

on the board of Harvard.

I mean, what is John...
I don't even know

if he even graduated college.

He's not on the board
of anything.

John doesn't take care of her.
I mean, she has to

take care of John,
for goodness' sakes.

Um, so I mean... he's not...
Yeah, no.

- We're all sort of, like,
drifting, I think right now.

We're not sure
what our next step is.

You know what you want.
You know what you like.

You know. Nobody else.

Do whatever the [bleep]
you wanna do.

- Do I know?
- That's it.

[ bell ringing ] You do know.

- But I don't know by now.
- You do know. You know.

You've known all along.
Let me tell you something.

You are a... ing legend.

There will never be
another Tinsdale, ever.

- 'Cause there's not one.
It's Tinsley.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Coming up...

- You know what?
- You were not in a good place.

- She wants a... ing bitch,
she got a... ing bitch,

didn't she?
And I served it warm.

♪♪♪♪♪

[ doorbell rings ]

- Coming.

Coming, coming.

[ coughs ]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Look at you.

You look beautiful.
- How you doing?

- Look at me.
- I feel so bad for you.

- Thank you so much
for coming over.

Luann and I... we've shared
similar obstacles in our lives.

There's a kindred spirit
connection between me and her

that I felt when I met her.

- I've never been here.
- I appreciate it.

- Welcome. [ laughs ]
- Wow. I love the building.

- It's so good, isn't it?
The neighborhood is...

- I mean, you can tell a lot
by just the corridors, darling.

- Right, exactly.
The doormen are, like...

- The molding, the high ceiling.

- The doormen are, like,
my, like, surrogate fathers.

They're the best. - Are they?

I brought you some food
'cause I know...

- Thank you.
- I'm starving, and...

- Okay, good. Let's eat.
Let's eat.

- And I thought
you might be hungry, so...

- Cool.
- Should I bring it

into your kitchen?
- Over here, over here.

- I don't think that table's
big enough. [ laughs ]

- This is my little...
This is my little setup.

- I don't think that table
will be big enough.

- No, I'll make it...
No, I'll make it work.

I'll make it work. Come on.
- For all the food

that I brought, I...
- I'll make it work.

- Do you really wanna know?
[ laughs ]

Church steeple. Amazing.

Hmm. Really cool.

- This is
my extravagant dining room.

- [ laughs ]
- [ laughs ] Right?

- What more do you need?
It's just the two of you, right?

- Eat my 10-course meals.
Yeah, exactly.

- Oh, boy. Um...

[ laughs ] Let's see.

Um...

- And this is my little...
My little area.

My... My bedroom, whatever it is.
- Oh, nice.

- Since I'm, like,
never even in, but...

- Oh, cool. Great.
- I gave her the full room,

'cause I'm like, you know what?
- Then where is...

Oh, she's got the bigger one.
- She's got the big bed.

She's got the big bed.
I have all her closets, though.

- Oh.
- But she's...

only here half the time.

- Right.
Yeah, so you work, you know?

- Exactly.
- That's how we live.

Uh... [ chuckles ]

That's how we do it in the city.

I love how humble she is.

- I'm trying to bring these
ivy plant... Oh, this is...

I have this down here. - Ohh.

- I've been... I know. I have...

I've... I've been watering them
now so much because look,

I, you know, it's just...

- Ah, well, you got...
- I'm trying to bring it...

- You seriously have
a green thumb.

[ laughter ]

- Most people come
to my apartment

and are pretty impressed
with it,

unless you're in the 1%,
which I'm not,

and there's no shame in that.

Sometimes it's not about
the size. It's about the vibe.

So I heard you had a drink
at the comedy show.

- You know...
- What's going on with that,

by the way? - Oh. [ chuckles ]

Oh, it's... it's...
I thought it was water.

- Yeah.
- And I was thirsty.

So I took a big sip of it,
and it was vodka.

And I was like, oh, okay.

And so I took two sips of it.
- Right.

- Or three,
and then I went onstage.

And... you know what?
It was like, I was okay.

I never really had a big problem
with alcohol

other than falling into a bush

on a crazy girls' trip
in Mexico.

- Right.
- Whoops. [ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my God. Luann, are you okay?
- Yeah.

- You fell in the bushes?!
[ laughs ]

- I just feel like
if I wanna have a drink,

I'm in... at a point where
I can do so if I want to.

I'm not on probation anymore,
so...

- That's how I feel, too.
- Yeah.

- Look, I mean, for years,
I didn't drink,

and I'm like, this is crazy
that I've been told that

this thing right here... - Yeah.

- ...is the end of it.
My death is in this bottle.

I don't believe that.

I've been through hell
while not drinking,

being overmedicated,
being in toxic relationships,

all this and that.

I'm pretty sure the glass
of wine is gonna be fine for me.

- There's many forms
of self-sabotage.

- Right? So and I'm like,
I'm... I don't believe that.

You're told that,
"Hey, this drink right here...

You have no control over it."
That's not empowering.

And that's bullsh...,
because this is just a drink.

What's it gonna do?

I hate these things.

1985 is gone!

The Morgan... ing yacht
has sailed!

Like, I am in such a different
place now than I was...

- Right.

- ...when I stopped drinking
in 2009.

- Right.
- I mean, beyond.

I've done so much self-work
and, you know, and all of that.

- I just feel like,
you know what, Lu?

Give yourself a break.
Give yourself a break. Don't...

- Seriously.
- Don't listen to anybody.

I'm just listening to myself...
- Good.

- Which is it feels nice,
you know,

to think that I can now,
you know,

give myself permission to say,

"I'm gonna have a glass of wine
with you girls."

- I know.
- Or two.

- Yep.
- I want two, but I'm,

you know, I have that sense
of control now,

which I didn't before. - Right.

- I'm somebody who lives
moment by moment,

and the moment was that I wanted
to have a vodka soda, so I did,

and it wasn't a big deal.

That's it. I'm taking off
my life jacket,

and I'm getting in the pool
with the ladies,

and I'm gonna swim.
I'm not sinking. I'm swimming.

- Did you see "Page Six,"
by any chance?

On... I think it was...
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Somebody showed it to me,

about well, you know what?
I texted Dorinda.

- And?

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hello there, lady.
- Hi. How's it goin'?

You look nice.
- You look so sweet.

You look so... Is this park...

- We're in a good place?
- [ laughs ]

Look what I'm reading right now.
I'm sure you've read it,

like everyone else.

- I heard you're back
on the market.

- No.
- Does John know?

- It's...
- Oh, my God.

- The side of you...
- The most beautiful picture.

- Well, look at it.
I look great, don't I?

- John looks great, by the way,
too. I mean, jeez. [ laughs ]

"According to 'Page Six, '"...

- Both:
"Dorinda's taking a break..."

- "From her long-time boy..."
Who planted this?

Do you think Ramona did?
No, she wouldn't.

- Come on, fess up.
- The breakup with John is sad.

I mean, it's terrible, but I
also know that I have to do

what's best for me
now that I've realized

that my expectation levels
have grown.

This is what I want now.
This is what I need.

And I need to find
the right partner

that's willing to be
engaged in that,

and I don't think that's bad.
I think that's honesty.

I love John,
and I'll always love John,

and there's no big fight,
but, um...

- Good.
- I feel bad because, you know,

John... John feels ter-terrible
'cause we love each other.

- Right.
- And I-I love him,

and I-I don't know
what will come of it.

I just know that I...
Don't you feel, too,

like you're growing so fast?

- The need for John
has kind of dropped off.

When Dorinda's husband died...
- Yeah.

- ...he was there
to pick up the pieces.

She has so much love for
this person who helped her...

- Helped her get through this.
- ...in such a bad...

- And, yeah, I mean...
- ...time of her life, you know?

And John was there, and listen,
this is nothing against John.

- Right.
- You know, John is John.

But I just don't... feel like...

I feel like
Dorinda's outgrown him.

Was I surprised when I found out
about Dorinda and John?

Not really. But it's weird
to read it in "Page Six."

- I don't know a lot about John,
but what I will say

is that I know
a hell of a lot more

about Dorinda's late husband
Richard,

so what does that say?

- Well, now she's single
like the rest of us.

- I knew this was coming.
I knew it before she knew it,

so I wasn't surprised.

- It's a little hypocritical
that I'm finding out about,

you know, John and Dorinda
breaking up through "Page Six"

and not through Dorinda,
you know, the person

that, you know, shares so much
and is so open.

You know, it's this big deal
about sharing

and how come I didn't hear
about it, Dorinda?

I said to my mom the other day,
walking,

"I wanna be super selfish
with myself."

- Do it. You need it.
What... we were just saying that

the other day... we need
to take care of ourselves now.

- I don't know if I ever...
- We don't have time to be

worried if our boyfriends
are out at a party without us.

- That's it, and I do that.
- Yeah, you like to dress up.

- I need a house cat right now,

and he wants to be
an outdoor cat.

- [ laughs ]
- And if the door opens up

a little bit,
just like an outdoor cat...

[ makes whooshing sound ]

And I'm like,
kitty, kitty, kitty!

- [ laughs ]
- Hello, kitty!

Kitty, come home!

My kitty's gonna stay home.
- [ laughs ]

Closed for business, even.
For now.

- We should really do something
for Dorinda

to take her mind off
of all this.

- That'd be great.

- Let's get the hell
out of Dodge.

There's, like, um, this place
that I know about

where you can go apple picking.
- That'd be so cute.

- Not that we're gonna be
picking apples.

- I know. Pumpkins, too.

- But I thought the maze
could be fun.

I think I'm gonna take
full advantage of this breakup.

And I thought,
"Let's go be kids.

Take a hayride and just forget
about the city for a day."

And maybe we gotta get you a
bigger coffee table. [ laughs ]

- No, but I don't wanna take up
too much, like,

you know what I mean?
- Get a little wider.

- Maybe a little wider.
Just a little.

- Just so we can put
the sushi on it.

- I know. [ laughter ]

[ coughs ]

- Coming up...

- What's going on
with John is...

♪♪♪♪♪

- I came prepared.

I've got the sweater.
I've got the makeup.

I got the pills.
- What do we got going on here?

Wow! This looks really good,
Luann.

- Hey, girls.
- We hear Ramona

before we see her.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hello. Good morning.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Hi. Hi.

- Good morning, girls.
- Hi.

- They're in the back there.

- Luann, I'm very excited
about this trip. Right?

- So tell us exactly
what we can expect.

- So as soon as we get
to the orchard,

we're gonna have lunch
by the pumpkin patch.

- Cute.
- There's a corn maze.

- Fun.
- There's pumpkin picking.

There's hayrides.
Um, there's, um...

- Oh, I wanna do the hayride
and wine tasting.

- Wine tasting.
- There's winery tasting later.

So there's all kinds
of fun things to do.

They have a store where
you can get, you know,

get the apple pies
and cider doughnuts.

- Oh, yeah, little...
- I love that.

- Apple cider.
- Apple cider.

- Apple cider doughnuts?
- Hot apple cider.

- Apple cider doughnuts.
- Yum.

- My favorite.
- So good.

- Aren't we lucky?
It's like a perfect day.

The weather is gorgeous.
- The weather is perfect for it.

- And... And what about this van,
okay?

Hello, right? Nice. Yeah, right?
- I love it.

I never saw such a gorgeous van
before.

- I know, right?

- I'm excited to be
with the girls.

I'm not excited to drink
more wine.

I really would like
to just have fun.

Maybe I'll have a little cider,
you know, enjoy the ride,

enjoy the outdoors.

A healthy day.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Where are we?
- All right, we're here.

It just said, "Weed Orchards."
- Yeah, that's it.

- Okay.
- Is it like a weed...

- I think we're here.
Look at all the apple orchards.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Here we go. I'm excited.
I like a winery.

- Hi. Welcome to the farm.
- Thank you.

- So nice to meet you.
- Luann.

Thank you for organizing
all of this for us...

- Yeah, of course.
- ...and having us today.

- We were thinking maybe you
guys would wanna do, like,

a cider toast or do you wanna
sip the wine right away?

- Wine.
- Wine, ladies?

- Wine.
- Okay, perfect.

- I mean, come on.
It's never too early for wine.

It's called breakfast wine.
It's normal.

- Wow, isn't this gorgeous?
- I love this!

- Oh, my God.
They have a petting zoo.

[ imitating goat bleating ]

Aw.

Look, he's hornier than Ramona.

- Okay, you would be wearing
huge diamond earrings and heels

when we're going
on an apple picking place.

- I think you're
in the same size heel as I am.

- No, I have cowboy boots.
- Last I checked,

you have diamonds on. [ laughs ]

- Oh, I forgot I have
my rings on.

Well, yours look bigger.
You got the big hoops.

- Oh, my God, Dorinda,
where'd you get that?

- Let's just each just have
one glass of wine today.

[ laughter ] Just one glass.

No more than one full glass.
- This is... yes. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I promise.

I'm not really in the mindset
to drink today,

but I'm with my girls,
and they make the wine here.

I'm gonna miss out on this?
Hell to the no.

- All right, girls,
lunch is served.

Oh, such a healthy lunch.
I love it.

- Right?
Everything is great, girls.

- Where do you wanna sit, babe?
What a beautiful day.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To good girlfriends.
- Not your phone, Sonja.

- Get the phone out. Sonja,
would you stop with the phone?

- Enough, enough.
- Obnoxious.

- It's getting obnoxious.
- I'm capturing the moment.

- Anybody want salad?

- What's going on with John
is...

♪♪♪♪♪

- Of course,
Elyse, the instigator

has brought up the subject
of John,

which I'm very happy she did,
because I wasn't gonna do it.

- You know, it's seven years,

just thinking of doing
a little reset.

Nothing big.
No big story to report.

I was just saying he'll always
have a seat at my table.

But you do change, and I think
the thing about me is

is that I have changed so...
I met...

The person that John met,
you know...

- Was different for you.
- Was probably different...

- But you were broken.
- ...period.

- You were broken.
- You know, but, no,

for the last seven years,
you grow a lot,

and this whole thing has been
such a good process

'cause it's made me
really re-evaluate,

like even with the house,
waking up again,

I'm like, now this is mine.
- Yeah.

- I'm not even gonna call
the house

Richard and mine anymore.
That's my house.

- It's your house.
- Right.

Going through this whole
process with the house flooding,

breaking the rib, and making
these decisions about John,

it's actually really allowed me
to mourn Richard

for the first time,
'cause now he's not only gone,

Hannah has moved out,
and I'm making the decision

to be alone, and it's the first
time that I am okay with it.

It's not easy for me
to be that person

and tell everybody
that kind of stuff 'cause it's...

Obviously, you're opening
yourself up to all kinds of

opinion and criticism.
- It's called sharing.

- It's hard to talk about...
- Like we all do, right.

It's really hard, particularly
when people judge you on 'em.

Hi. I call bullsh...
Uh, it's called sharing.

You know, the things that
you supposedly said

that I wasn't doing,
even though I was doing it?

And now you're saying that
you don't wanna do it

because you might get judged
or something?

You're a total hypocrite.

Different rules for
different people, apparently.

Sorry. This sort of, like,
resonates a little bit.

- Listen, don't comment.

My gum lasts longer than
your relationship, okay?

My gum.

Your gum? - My chewing gum

lasts longer
than your relationship.

I didn't know you
for the first 50 years.

I don't wanna know you
for the last.

♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪

- Listen, don't comment.

My gum lasts longer
than your relationship, okay?

- Your gum?

- My chewing gum lasts
longer than your relationship.

- Or the one before that
or that? Yeah.

- Yeah, three years. Not only
are you not value-added,

you're un-value-added. I don't
care what you have to say.

- Oh, really? I'm...
- You're invisible.

You're invisible.
- You know what? I'm invisible?

- I'm actually not even
talking to you.

- Oh, really? I don't really
care that much about you

right now because you've been
a mean person to me.

You have very...
There is no reason...

- You know, Dorinda in the past
always would have

these little outbursts of anger,
but it's so much worse now.

- Can you guys say
one nice thing about each other?

- No.
- One. One. Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.
You're not that Manichean.

You can say one nice thing.
- I think Tinsley needs a nap.

- That's not nice.

- Dorinda's using Tinsley
as a punching bag.

Okay, all right,
you may not agree

with everything Tinsley's doing,
but to go on and on

and be so vicious about it...

I mean,
thank God Tinsley's around,

'cause I don't want that
to happen to me.

- I really want curly hair.

[ imitates crying ] And I really
wanted straight hair!

Oh, my God.

You're invisible.

- If this is Dorinda not
interested in Tinsley,

what the [bleep] does Dorinda
interested in Tinsley look like?

- You guys, honestly, we have to
be holding each other up.

We have to be holding
each other up,

not bringing each other down.

- I can't edit myself
to dumbness.

I can't edit myself to...
- Oh, I'm so stupid.

[ all speaking at once ]
- This is absurd.

You seem like you are
very insensitive...

- You're correct.
- ...to anything that I have

going on in my life.
- I'm sorry.

- You also seem like a bully...
- I'm sorry.

- ...and, like, a mean person
because you know what?

You're judging me and my life.
- I'm sorry.

I don't judge you on yours.
- I'm sorry.

- See I don't.
- Calm down.

- Let me finish!
- Oh, I'm scared!

I'm scared, Luann!
Will you protect me?

- Physically, stop touching me.

- Did you call her
when you heard they broke up?

- We're not speaking that much
right now.

- Well, then why are you trying
to get in on that conversation?!

- Why are you getting involved

with my relationship with her
or whatever it is?

- We didn't get in
on the conversation.

- Girls, girls, girls.
Can we reel this in?

- Listen, listen to me...
- Oh, my God!

- Tinsley, I like... Tinsley,
look at me. Look at me.

At this point, as much as
I'd like to help Tinsley,

it's hard to understand her
when she's speaking

in that high-pitched voice.

You can't take her seriously.
I sure as hell don't.

- The point is this.
- You need a time-out.

- You sit there and act...
- You need a time-out.

- You are judgmental...
- Oh, my God.

- ...of my life
and my relationship.

What I said was
I don't judge you...

- I don't care.
- Stop! For somebody who

doesn't care about something
that's, like,

really insignificant, you give
a lot of sh... about me.

'Cause all you do is talk
about me.

- I think I... Okay.
- So stop talking about me.

We'll sit here.
I won't talk about you,

and you don't talk about me.
[ all speaking at once ]

I just... I-I don't...

I just don't like being
ganged up on.

It's so frustrating. I just feel
like, you know what?

I mean, why even try to talk?

Why even try to be friends
sometimes?

'Cause I don't think
that they even really care.

- No, yeah, I know. Don't cry.

Don't cry. - [ sobbing ]

- Don't... Don't let her
get to you.

Don't let her get to you.
- It's not just her!

- Don't let her get to you.
- It's everybody!

- I know. It's not...
No, believe me. I've been there.

I know.
Don't let 'em see you cry.

- It's Sonja. It's Ramona.
- Don't let 'em see you cry.

Don't let 'em see you cry.
Let's sit here for a second.

Come on. Sit down. Sit down.

- Like, I can't even
say anything

without anybody yelling at me
that I'm speaking too loudly,

and no one was listening to...
[ crying ]

- Well, listen,
you can't scream back.

Come here, come here.
- No. Luann...

- Command the conversation.
- Stop. Luann...

- You know how Obama does it?
- Luann, listen!

- He speaks very softly.
- No, listen to me.

Can you listen to me, please?
- I will.

- So I said the exact same thing
that Tinsley said.

You would not have lost it
on me.

Stop psychoanalyzing me.
- I'm... I'm just trying...

- You don't know
our relationship.

Stop. These people know me.

I'm not a mean, unkind,
ungenerous person.

- I'm not psychoanalyzing
Dorinda.

I'm... I'm frightened of Dorinda.

You don't have to be
a psychiatrist to realize

how angry and scary
Dorinda is right now.

- [ voice breaking ]
I have suffered... suffered

over what Dorinda has said
about my ex relationship,

about me as a person,
and I am sorry,

but, like, if I'm yelling,
it's because I am upset.

- I understand.
- I am upset!

- Yeah, well, she's got
a lot of anger towards you.

That's for sure.
- Why? But, like...

- You don't get it.
She should have just sat there

and listened and said something
like, "I'm sorry" instead of

"Well, but no one pays attention
what I went through the thing,

but, like, people should be
considerate towards me."

Be a little compassionate and
then tell me that another time,

but she had to throw
her two... ing cents in,

knowing it's gonna trigger me.

That wasn't compassion.
That was being a... ing bitch.

- I agree. Well, no,
that wasn't being compassionate.

- Okay, that was a... ing bitch.

- But you guys are not...
You are not in a good place.

- So you know what?
You know what?

She wants a... ing bitch,
she got a... ing bitch,

didn't she,
and I served it warm.

- This group,
especially Dorinda,

has been very hard on Tinsley

about not being
totally forthcoming,

so I totally understand why
Tinsley would mutter this

under her breath,
even though if it was me,

I would probably be
a little more direct about it.

My heart hurts for her
because she's 44,

and she wants a kid.
We have kids. We're moms.

That's kind of what...

- My heart bleeds for me
'cause I buried my husband.

- And you know what?
My heart bleeds for you, too.

- My heart for hurts for her
with a 30-year marriage...

- Yes.
- And he left her for...

- My heart hurts 'cause I lost
my husband.

- We all have stuff.
- My heart hurts for you guys

for all those reasons, too.
- Okay, yeah.

- My life was sh... I wanted
to die when Richard died.

I didn't have anyone.
- You didn't get out of bed!

- You got that man
that you loved. You got that.

- And it was terrible days!
It was terrible!

It was awful! - I know, I know.

- And I didn't wanna do it.
- I know, I know.

- I wanted to crawl into a hole
and die!

- Yes.
- I find it demeaning

to what all of us had
to go through.

- I know you guys have nothing
in common. I get it. I get it.

- No, there's a big disgust
here.

- Yeah, nothing.
It's the one thing.

I don't know. Is there?
- And I don't have

the bond with the mother.
- Never doubt yourself.

- I'm going through
a transition myself.

I don't know if it's the house,
the broken rib,

the... the realization...
- The John stuff.

- ...that's it's the John stuff.
- Yes, that's a big thing.

- The realization
that I'm 55 this year,

and this is not what I planned!

This was not the story I wrote!

- To raise this girl.
- I did everything right.

I never was dishonest.
I was a good mother.

- Aw.
- You pay your taxes.

- I was a great wife, and this
is what I get in return?

God says, "And this is what
you get."

And it's not fair.

- I have nothing but the utmost,
like, sympathy for Dorinda

having to bury her husband,

but what does that have to do
with Tinsley?

- And after Richard died,
you know what I did?

I stopped moving.
You know what happened?

I almost became an alcoholic.
- I can't imagine having...

- I was like this. Instead of
my coffee in the morning,

I was like, "Hello, wine!"
- Yeah. Good morning.

- Time to forget!
- Yeah.

- Then I realized now
I'm taking it out on Hannah.

I looked in the mirror one day,
and I said,

"I don't like who's looking back
at me."

- 'Cause that's why I... ing
like you and I connect with you

because you... ing keep it real,

and you're not lying
to yourself,

and you're not lying
to anybody else. That's it.

You just are who you are,
and that's that.

And I just... ing wish

that you guys didn't hate
each other so much, but...

- I don't hate her.
- No, I know, I know, I know.

- Here's the thing.
I did make a commitment

that I was done with Tinsley,

but listen, you know
the old saying...

If you call me a dog,
I'm gonna bark every time.

So I barked again. Sorry.

All right, let's go home!
Let's go back to New York.

- No, we're going on a hayride.

We're going on a hayride
if it kills you.

- Coming up...

- Aah! No!

[ voice echoing ] - Oh, my God.

- No! This is horrible!
- [ laughing ]

♪♪♪♪♪

- I can speak on my own.
Nobody... ing lets me.

♪♪♪♪♪

Every time I... ing try,
I just get squashed down,

so I just literally sit
in a damn corner.

- Come on. Here you go.
Little one, come on.

What about you?

- Put my tennis shoes on.

Rocks are not working.

- This is the best time
I've ever had.

You... You've been emotionally
abused, I can tell.

Uh-oh. Oh.

That's me and Tinsley fighting.
Look.

- Can I go climb that tree?

- I'm sorry this started off
so...

- So I'm just gonna go climb
a tree.

- ...abrasive. Yes, totally.

- Go find a tree.
- I think we might...

- Are we not allowed
to climb them?

- ...not be allowed.
We'll be in trouble.

- Who cares?
No one's gonna know.

Come on. Let's go. Bitch, we're
climbing a tree. Let's do it.

- Do you think that
climbing a tree's

gonna solve all my problems
right now?

- Yeah, I actually do think
it's going to.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'd rather be smoking trees,

but apparently Weed Orchard
is just an orchard.

♪♪♪♪♪

Climb that tree, bitch.
- Maybe I don't think there's...

- Do it. You could do that in a
Giambattista Valli dress, okay?

Ooh, I can see the world.

- Oh, oh.

- Hi.
- Do you see me?

- We thought maybe climbing
a tree might be therapeutic.

- I thought I was hidden.
- It's very good to climb trees.

- We're doing...
We're doing therapy.

- Very good.
- This is actually really fun.

This is
the apple climbing tree therapy.

- God knows I love... the bush.
[ laughter ]

- This is, um, full of apples.
- What? What'd she say?

- I'm mad at myself
for letting them get to me.

I'm mad at myself
for breaking down and crying,

and I don't want them to, like,

be able to, like,
rile me up so much.

All right. Whew.
- [ mouth full ] Mmm. Good.

- All right.
- Maybe this will...

- I feel like
a whole new person.

- Yeah.
- Let's go on the hayride.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- Yeah.
- Let's find the girls.

- All right.

- Oh! He's the owner,
and he's rich.

Look at his shirt. - Oh, Jesus.

[ laughter ]
- All right, I got a drink.

She's available.

- Dorinda, look over there
with your vibe.

Give him your aura. - No.

- Whoo!
- Let's move.

- We all love to have fun.
We all love to drink,

but, you know,
sloppy during the day

is not my favorite look
for Sonja.

Oh, Dorinda, look at the goat
up on top of that.

[ goat bleats ]

Hi! Where are you from?!

[ engine rumbling ]

- Whoo-hoo!

- We're on the hayride!

- Here we go!
- Hayride!

[ engine rumbling ]

- Go faster.

[ engine rumbling ]

It goes too slow.

This is not a trip.
This is a crawl.

- Women of our caliber need
to go faster. Faster! Faster!

- Girls, wait.
I have to make an announcement.

- Okay. Go ahead.
- Okay, the hayride

was just a way to get you
off of the luncheon table

so that we could go
in the corn maze.

♪♪♪♪♪

- I don't need a maze
in my life.

- Come on.
- Ramona and I can't do a maze.

- It'll be fun.

- I love it.
- We're together.

- No, daddy.

- Who wants to get lost
in a maze?

We're all lost in our lives
right now anyway.

We don't need to get more lost.

- So we're gonna have you guys
split up into two groups.

- These are pot plants, right?
- These are eggplant.

- Okay, eggplant?
I love eggplant.

- Yeah?
- I thought they were pot.

- Ramona, come with me.
We're gone.

- How much do you own here?
Like, how many acres?

- 47.

47 acres?

Mister, no, sir.

How old are you?
- Let me show you the corn maze.

- How old are you?
- Let me show you the corn maze.

- Follow me.
I'm good at this stuff.

- I can see that. You have
a mission. You're on a mission.

- Oh, is it blocking your way?
What's going on?

- Stay here. Let me do some
"recog-niz-zes-zes."

- I'll tell you that the way
that they went is the wrong way.

- So which way should we go?
Let's get the...

- Take the right.
Take the first right.

- Yep, I'm good. I was right!
- All right.

- I bet
I'm the fastest person ever.

- Oh, no. Led my team astray,

- Wait. We're at a dead end?
We're at a dead end.

- All right.
- Elyse, now you take it over.

- Oh, look, Sonja, We take these
home for decoration.

- Yeah, put it in my bag, bitch.
That's... ing free corn.

I'm friends with the owner.
Shut up. All right, here.

You stop whining.
It's free food.

- I'm not whining.
- Here.

- I think it's this way,
you guys.

- Well, no, now we're gonna
go with Elyse.

We followed you,
and if Elyse doesn't work,

then we're gonna follow me.

- I think this way, Elyse,
maybe.

- I don't know where the hell
I'm going, but...

Uh, it's probably not that way.
It's this way.

- We're almost out?
- I don't know.

- This could become very
claustrophobic very quickly.

- What's the goal?
We get back to the front?

Or we get to, like,
another place?

The goal is to get out.
- Oh, look, there's a dead end.

- I'm following Luann.
We'll never get out.

- Hold on.
Don't leave without me.

That's not good teamwork.
You left me.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Aah! No!
- [ laughing ]

[ voice echoing ] - Oh, my God.

- No!
- [ laughing ]

This is horrible!
- I'm fertilizing the soil.

- They sell this corn! They
don't want pee on their corn!

- Wait, Sonja, be careful.

- Couldn't hold it
until we got out? Come on.

- That's not good for your, uh,
bladder.

- Well, I don't know
how good corn shucks

are good for your bladder,
but whatever. Come on.

- Come here! I got a corn stalk
between my cheeks!

- [ laughs ]
- Come here. Toilet paper.

- Make sure there's no tics
on it.

- Toilet paper. Toilet paper.
- I'm not wiping you.

- These have tics?
- You wipe it. You wipe it.

Here.
- There's definitely two Sonjas.

There is Ms. Morgan, who lives
on the Upper East Side,

hates tattoos, and just talks
about old money.

And then there's turnt up Sonja,
which I love.

- That was great.
- Yeah, that was cool.

- I love you. We bonded.
- We did. We bonded. Mwah.

- I have a feeling that if
Ms. Morgan

and turnt up Sonja met,

they probably wouldn't
like each other.

- Come on over here!
- Why are you telling them for?

- 'Cause we're...
Well, we miss 'em.

We miss everybody.

- Well,
we'll see them when we get out.

Just lose Tinsley!
- Oh, dead end here. Stop that.

- She'd be good as a corn stalk.

- Oh, I think we found it.
We got it. Hooray!

We found it! We found it.

Oh, this is the wrong way?

- It's the wrong way.
- All right, I'll go first.

Let's do it. Let's do it.
You're right. Let's do it.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Listen, the maze was fun.
I get it.

Let's just get outta here
any way possible.

Time to get back
to the maze of drinks.

- Let's go up. This is the
thing. Let's go up.

We'll, like, yell at them,
"We're here." [ laughs ]

- Hey, girls!

We made it!

- I am here waiting by the ship!
It's about to depart!

- No, we came to the main spot!

- The hayride's going back
to the winery!

- You're supposed to come here!

- You're supposed to come here!
- Listen, girls! Listen to me!

- This is a destination!

- Listen to my voice!
That'll give you a guide!

- That's not fair.
They cheated more than we did.

- Just let's sit here
and wait to be rescued.

- Coming up...

- If your dick can fit
through this,

I don't wanna... ing hang out.

- Never touch a small dick.
- Thank you, Sonja.

♪♪♪♪♪

- All right, girls, come on.
The hayride's going back.

- Hey, mister!
Mr. checkered shirt guy.

You're kinda my type. How much
money do you make on apple...

- You just peed
in his corn maze, okay?

I don't think he's gonna be
into you right now.

[ engine rumbling ]

- Thank you for listening to me
the other night

when I was weepy... - Of course.

- ...and weak and not...
- No, you weren't weak.

You were feeling some pain.

- Sometimes people do as much
as they can, but they can't...

You know, I'm not easy either.
- No, you know what I think?

This is what I truly believe.
You outgrew each other.

Someone said this to me,
which made me realize why

the end of my marriage,
whether he cheated on me or not

was not important.

What's more important was, like,
we were going different ways...

- All right, girls.

- It doesn't make you
a bad person.

- No. You just outgrow somebody.
- NO.

- I think Dorinda just needs
to focus on herself.

She can't worry about John
thinks, what other people think,

and I think the reason for John
being in her life is over.

It's okay to move on. It's okay.

You change.
- And things are hard,

and I'm not a good transitioner.
I don't know if it's...

I mean, like, and then
your post thing came up.

I was almost ready to hear that
someone could say something

that I couldn't say.

Endings are painful,
but they're sometimes

good and healthy and needed.

It's so easy just to keep
communicating

and keep falling
into old habits,

because I have a feeling
if I didn't do this,

it would just stay plateaued
for 10 years, 15 years,

and then what?

John will always have a seat
at my dinner table.

- Of course he will.
- You know what I mean?

I never wanna have anyone
walk away and say,

"My life was less because
I met Dorinda Medley."

Dorinda Lynch. Dorinda Segal.
I want them to say,

"My life was better
'cause I met them."

- Why would you even think that,
baby?

- 'Cause I just... I want... I don't
wanna do anything hurtful

or harmful or...

- Honey, you blessed his life,
and he blessed your life.

Don't even think that.
That's bad negativity.

- Thank you.
- You do. You do.

- Mwah. I love you, sweetie.

- There's something she really
needs to work out

that she's not working out,

and you know what?
She's in pain,

and guess who's suffering
from her pain? We are.

- All right, wine tasting!
- Oh, there she is. Okay, here.

- Ladies, you missed my shpiel.

- One more good-looking guy.

- Glad you pay attention.
- Okay, stop.

- [ laughs ]
- Oh, oh, ladies. Welcome.

- I'm in love with this
right now,

and it makes your pussy wetter.

- Gross. You eat blue cheese?
That's like the...

That's, like, the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

- I think blue cheese does that.
- It's so gross.

- Well, there's goes
the... ing juice cleanse.

[ laughs ]

- [ mouth full ]
My juice cleanse is done.

- It seems to be happening a lot
that when Sonja drinks,

she loses it.

She's like a caricature
of herself.

- Okay, dry Riesling. Riesling
is what New York is all about.

It's focused. It's minerality.
- Cheers.

- It's acidic.
- I would use it as a lubricant.

- Sonja!
- That's inappropriate,

by the way.
- It's inappropriate.

- Yeah. Come on. Stop.
- What are you doing?

- Just asking.

- Sonja, when was the last time
you had sex?

'Cause you're looking
very needy.

- I had sex last night. Did you?

- No.
- I got pounded last night.

- R.I.P. Rest in peace.
I'm dead.

- It's a little hot mess going
on over there, but... [ laughs ]

- She's our little hot mess,
and she loves men.

- Ugh. Why? Ugh.
- [ laughs ]

- Here's the thing.
Like, the male body is just

kind of not that good, you know?
- I know.

- Like, who wants to look
at a naked dude, right? Nobody.

- Me.

- Very few men look good naked.

- Nobody would dare send me
a dick pic.

I'm the kind of person,
I don't shop online that much.

I like to feel and touch things,
so dick pics don't do it for me.

I like the real thing.

[ laughing ]

- If I'm feeling
sexual chemistry with a guy,

sometimes it's easier just
to ask for a dick pic

because then I know.
- But why because...

- If it's a micro penis,
I'm not wasting my time.

- Oh, my God. There's doughnuts?

- If your dick
can fit through this,

I don't wanna... ing hang out.

- Why is it always about that?
It could just be about somebody,

like, loving each other.
It doesn't have to be about sex.

- 'Cause you don't wanna
break a man's heart.

- If you're a man, though,
think about it.

- I don't care. You know,
it's hard enough being women.

- Never touch a small dick.
- Thank you, Sonja.

- She'll do anything
with a small dick.

- And still...

- You don't know
my sexual activity, so stop it.

Can you give me a break?

- I've never had this thing,
"I need to get laid."

That's not what I think.
- Yeah, nor have I.

- No, it's weird.
"Oh, I feel horny"...

Those have never been words
that come out of my mouth.

- When I wasn't in
a relationship, I would feel...

I would sometimes miss
being held.

- But what about when
you wake up in the morning,

like, who is that person
at 8 in the morning,

the lights are up, and you need
to go to the bathroom?

- And who's that person when...
- Who's that person?

- ...you had a lousy day and...
- Yeah.

- ...you just need someone...
- It's very different.

- ...to be your friend
in the morning.

- Everybody knows how to be
sexy at 11:00 at night.

- Right.
- It's easy.

- Oh, I do...
- Lower the lights.

Put on some lingerie, take,
you know, whatever.

- I don't even wanna have sex
lately.

- You don't wanna have sex?
- No.

- The only thing I want is sex.

- All right, time to go!
[ laughs ]

- Luann...
- Thank you, Luann!

- Thank you, Luann.
- Thank you so much.

- I love you girls.

- Next time on...

- I like crazy people.

Yesterday was just, like,
bad crazy.

- Twist and detox that wine.
Twist.

- Detox?
- Detox, that's right.

- Yeah, some people drank
a lot of wine yesterday.

- Did you hear any rumors?
- Uh-oh.

- [ laughs ]

Both:
This is like a photo shoot.

[ laughter ]

- Whoa.
- That's like the car wash.

- That hurts a little.
Not so hard!

- You have a pattern.
When someone upsets you,

you go for the jugular.
- You do it all the time,

so you should recognize it
very well.

You hurt my feelings, and I need
you always to support me.

- I said to you...
I do support you.

- No, you don't.
- Dorinda, I'm so sorry

you're so unhappy.

- I'm sorry that there's been
so many men in your life

that have come and gone and you
can't tell them all this.

- You know what? I think you
should just leave. Just leave.

- I love to be kicked
out of a good house.