The Real Housewives of New York City (2008–…): Season 12, Episode 21 - Viva la Dysfunction - full transcript

Previously on "The Real

Previously on "The Real
Housewives of New York City"...

Sonja and I are doing a show
together.

Oh, that's so nice.

We had this rehearsal today.
Did you forget?

- What's actually going on?
- No, what it is...

'Cause we don't have an invite
or anything.

It's a presentation,
which is gonna be next Tuesday.

Well, I'm not here.
I'm having this taken out.

I don't have movement
in my hand.

Mom's been telling me
on the phone,



like, "I don't like Leah."

That doesn't mean
I don't love you,

I don't care about you.
On a day, I might not like you.

I think my mom wants to say
a couple words.

We are very, very, very proud
of you.

- So, Leah, we love you.
- Thank you, Mom.

For the drag queen party,

am I supposed to dress
like a drag queen?

Yeah, dress like a drag queen.

I'm throwing
a drag queen Bingo party

because I love to raise money
for the LGBTQ.

- So drag...
- Wave your freak flag, I said.

- I want a man.
- Sure.

But I don't need one, and I'm
really comfortable with myself.



I can't really afford
to live here.

It's just too much house
for one person.

I'm looking to redo
the whole house

because that is what
renters want.

I don't care what you have
to say.

- Oh, really, I'm...
- You are invisible.

- You're invisible.
- You know what? I'm invisible?

I'm actually not even talking
to you.

Oh, really?

I've forgiven you because I
love you more than the minutia.

- But I am... I...
- I love who you are, too,

but I don't like it
when you're... ing angry.

She gets defensive
instead of listening.

It's not healthy behavior.

You know what?
Get off your phone.

- I'm reminding you.
- I wasn't on the phone, Luann.

Don't be Miss Etiquette with me.

Dorinda, there's no reason
to raise your voice.

Even at her own birthday,

Dorinda can't get through
without snapping at someone.

Stay out of it.

♪♪♪♪♪

Like a mint in my mouth,
I can be a bit fresh.

♪♪♪♪♪

I'm no one's arm candy.
I'm the whole bowl of sugar.

♪♪♪♪♪

So what if I'm self-involved?

Who else should
I be involved with?

♪♪♪♪♪

I'll say sorry
for what I've done,

but never for who I am.

♪♪♪♪♪

I rise above the drama

and won't settle
for the lower level.

♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪

Coco, I wanna take a picture
with you

in front of the tree.

Coco, come back.

Coco! Coco!

I actually did some
great Christmas cards

of Avery, me, and Mario.

We had one that everyone loved
and they framed.

It looked so good.

But those days are gone!

♪♪♪♪♪

Leah was the first to RSVP
with a couple of drag queens.

The other girls, they open it,
and they look at it,

but they don't RSVP.

You know you're coming, bitch,
so just say yes.

- [ chuckles ]
- What?

[ chimes ]

What?! You got your operation!

Well, my thing is coming up...
Drag queen Bingo.

Really?

[ laughs ]

♪♪♪♪♪

[ mitts thud ]

Weave. Cross jab.

Eh! Weave.

- Aah!
- Cross jab.

Do it without those. Ready?
Come on.

- That's tight.
- Go. Go.

Heroes are made.
They're not bought.

So let's make a hero.

Jab cross. Jab cross.

Jab cross.
You know how you make a hero?

You get Italian bread,
and you cut it...

[ laughs ]

Jab cross up one, two, three.

Hi.

Looking for the studio
recording with Desmond Child.

- That'll be right to your left.
- Okay.

♪♪♪♪♪

[ singsongy ] Hello!

Hey, Desmond.

Don't you look warm
and cozy and delicious.

- Viva La Diva.
- Viva La Diva.

- [ laughs ]
- Yes.

I met Desmond Child,
who's written

"Livin' La Vida Loca"
and "Livin' on a Prayer."

We hit it off.
We have friends in common,

and we decided to work together,
and he told me he had

the perfect match for me, which
is a song called "Viva La Diva,"

and I was like, I love that.

It's just perfect.

Just amazing lyrics
by Carole Bayer Sager...

- I know.
- ...and Jay Landers.

- The biggest songwriters ever.
- Ever.

- You... You keep good company.
- You got the Barbra team.

You got... I... Amazing.
You keep good company.

The three of us worked
on Barbra's last record.

He's talking about
the Barbra Streisand.

Barbra.

I'm just so lucky
that we kinda clicked,

and... and we're working together.

Let's do this. Track one.

We'll go line by line.

No, let's try to do one and then
see where we stand, okay?

- Okay, cool.
- Here we go.

♪♪♪♪♪

If you want the truth,
and nothing but the truth,

someone's
gotta set you straight.

I told you money
doesn't buy you class,

but a diva has needs.

See these?
They didn't grow on trees.

You gotta make it on your own.
I'm talking to you.

- Okay.
- [ laughs ]

- What a hoot.
- [ laughs ] I love it.

So, but, like, be a little
more... bit more coy,

like, really get your whole
personality going here on this.

When you go, "I told you
money doesn't buy you class."

Class.

But go, like, deep
in your chest on that.

- Make it sound sexy.
- Okay.

Uh...

Uh... Uh...

- Money doesn't buy you class.
- That's it.

Okay.

If anybody can say "class,"
it's me.

[ laughs ]

Here we go.

♪♪♪♪♪

Louder on two.

I told you money doesn't
buy you class,

but a diva has needs.

See these?
They didn't grow on trees.

Perfect. That was so good.

- [ laughs ] Good. Awesome.
- I think we got this.

The song is about the diva
that lives in all of us.

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva la diva ♪

- That's the ticket.
- That inner strength,

that power that comes
from deep within.

- Aw.
- You're the best.

- You're the best.
- Thank you so much.

I know you guys... I know you guys
still have mixing left to do,

so I'll leave you...

I can't wait to hear you
sing it onstage.

...in your very capable hands.

- Me, too.
- Yeah, me, too.

I wanna sing it for my friends.
They're having a party.

- Yeah.
- Sonja's having this,

you know, party,
this drag queen party,

so I thought it'd be fun.
- Can I come?

You're definitely coming.

- Mwah. Bye, darling.
- Okay, bye.

- See you soon.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- And I'll see you,

if not before it,
um, Sonja's party.

- Okay.
- Okay? Mwah.

- Bye.
- Ciao!

♪♪♪♪♪

[ drilling ]

♪♪♪♪♪

I wanted to see it.

Well, you're not gonna really
see it all. Hello! Ohh.

I can't believe
how big it looks.

This just needs to be
a classic, clean, efficient,

New York apartment.

Oh, you kept your light sh...
Your lampshade.

- Oh, that's going.
- Oh, is it?

Yeah, yeah.
We're just doing that for now.

That's going, because... Hi!

- How are you?
- How's it going?

- Oh, don't...
- How are you feeling?

- Sore.
- Oh.

So basically I had a bible bump
on my hand.

I had it taken out,
and it was quite invasive.

Do you know when
they took it out,

it was like this big?

And it had all these legs on it
like an octopus?

Can you believe this is your
second renovation this year?

What's coming next?

I know. Can you... I mean, I've
broken a... Let's think about it.

- You have broke... No, no.
- Yeah.

- She broke her ribs.
- Flooded... No flood, flood.

- Oh, flooded.
- Flood. Broke my rib.

Gutted this place.
We started off...

Nik... I was like, Nik, I just
want a little bit of facelift.

- Sure.
- Yeah, and you ended up

doing everything.

Let's see what you did.
Get a new floor?

- Everything.
- Oh, wow.

This is gonna be ripped out
next week.

- This is gonna look great.
- We're going for it.

I came in one day.
I'm like, "Rip it out!"

Get it done!

This little renovation
in my old apartment

that turned
into this huge renovation...

It's sort of, like,
representative of my life.

I should've washed away all
of what's been bothering me.

You know I love a tub.

It's like a small swimming pool.

Now I can just start the new
year off just unburdened.

Now I can really start
thinking about what are

good things for the future
for me?

- So now...
- So when do you think...

You think I'm gonna end up
living here?

- I think I'll stay...
- I think you'll move back.

What do you think
you'll end up doing?

I don't know.
I'll be honest with you.

I don't know.
I'll tell you this.

- The only thing I'm gonna say...
- Be careful leaning on that.

...is after this year,
I've realized one thing.

Lean on the corner there.

I'm scared you're gonna fly
through a window.

Well, no, you would, and I'd be
really living with it forever,

so just... just sit
against the wall.

You know, I had to go
through some murky water,

but I feel like
I'm in clear water now.

The waters are calming.

[ exhales deeply ]

I think 2020's gonna be
a good year for me, don't you?

Yeah. Maybe you'll go
on a cheeky date.

Somewhere. I don't know where.

I was thinking about that.

I've gotta start saying yes
to all these dinner parties.

You know, I just have to
start going, 'cause...

You need to get back
on that horse.

I feel like there's a lot
of me and mine

and what I'm gonna do next
in this next step.

Like, I deserve it.

I'm a good person,
Dorinda Medley,

and I've fought hard
to get here,

and you know what?
I feel good about it.

- Do you want me to...
- Oh, look at this.

That's from Richard.
Is that a coin?

Oh, please tell me it's a coin.

- No, it's like a metal circle.
- Aw.

That's too bad.
Richard leaves me coins when

he wants to wish me good luck.
I told you that, right?

Yeah. I think you said that,
yeah.

Aw, that was
gonna make me happy.

What do you think it means
that he left me

a coin with no face on it?
I'm going broke?

- [ laughs ]
- That's what it means.

- I'm going broke.
- [ laughs ]

Coming up...

- No. I'm not doing that sh...
- Oh, come on, come on.

Sorry. [bleep] you.

Oh, my God!

[bleep] that sh...

♪♪♪♪♪

So Ramona's coming because
I need her to help me.

She just did a whole apartment.

She's light as a feather now,

having moved out
of the family apartment,

so I wanna be in the same boat
as Ramona.

Ooh!

Out with the old,
in with the new.

And it's fabulous. Wow.

I did have a very nice painting,
and it's gone now.

- Sonja-rita.
- Hi!

Oh, my God! Come on in now.

Is it old with the old,
in with the new?

- It's my friend friend stalks.
- Yeah, look, look, look!

[ laughs ] It's not fancy,
but it's clean and new.

Oh, my...

[ gasps ]

- Then I got this carpet.
- Fabulous.

- Just simple.
- No, I love it.

When you mentioned I should
put this on the market,

okay, I talked to my daughter,
and she agreed...

You sunk some big money
in here, girl.

At this point,
this house is nothing more

than a financial drain,
an emotional drain.

All this carpet will be white.

I know. I love it.

I wanna be footloose,
fancy-free.

I have worked so hard
to get to this point.

I don't wanna be house-heavy.

- Did you track it?
- Ooh, I love it.

This is
the most important floor.

Sonja, I love this room.
I love it.

It's different now, right?

Yeah, I love it.
Oh, my God, I love it.

There's nothing... I'm not...

There's nothing I think
you should change.

I reupholstered
the heirloom furniture.

Oh! I love this chaise.

Now that my daughter
is in college,

I certainly don't need
all this house for one person.

Bathroom's great.

This place is ready to be
taken on by a new family

and make it their own.

Sonja, I'm proud of you.

No, I really am,
because I know how hard it is.

You know, you are even more
attached to this townhouse

than I was attached
to my apartment,

and I didn't even realize how
attached I was to my apartment

until I-I was closing on it.

Well, it's your badge of honor
that you accomplished this...

- And all...
- ...and bought this.

No, I never really looked
at it like that.

- No?
- I looked at it more of, like,

this is where my daughter
brings all her friends,

and it was like,
stability for her...

- I understand.
- ...during the divorce.

- It was home.
- But once she got to college,

it wasn't like boarding school
where people would come

and stay like that.
It's different.

Live your life
in the moment now. Don't...

L.L.... "Living Life."
That's my new mantra.

- "Living Life."
- L.L.

We're gonna L.L., girl.
You're gonna get rid of this,

and we're gonna be L.L.

We're gonna be all
over the world together.

Well, that's the thing, yes.

I'm ready now for my place,
just for me.

A little garden,
maybe a fireplace.

That's about it,

and my big bathtub
and a 4-poster bed.

I love the carpet.
Can I copy this for my bedroom?

- I like it.
- Oh, my God. Lie down

and take a picture.
Your shirt matches this.

- Look at this rug.
- Oh, my God.

Actually... Oh, yeah,
I do like that.

Butt looks good.
But put your arms over your head

like you did, yeah.
[ camera shutter clicking ]

Very cute. Now can we
see your face, too?

- Oh, yeah.
- Seductive.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Oh, gosh.
- It's freezing.

So cold.

Well, this should be fun, right?

Are you excited?

It's not the first
gingerbread house you've made.

♪♪♪♪♪

Hi! How are you?

Come take any position you want.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, welcome. I am Abby,
as in Abigail's Kitchen.

And one of our favorite festive
things to do around the holidays

is to decorate
gingerbread houses.

I'm going into the holidays
feeling like I just have so much

to be grateful for.

I feel... I feel tired.
[ laughs ]

- Kiki.
- Yeah?

How excited are you for Jamaica?

- I'm very excited.
- Oh, my God, me, too.

It should be fun.
It's a good time

for you and your mother
to go away alone.

- I know.
- 'Cause she's been so busy.

Yeah, it's really fun.

Yeah, she's trying to get me
to do that. I... kind of...

Exactly.
I kind of refuse to do it.

- [ laughs ]
- I'm scared.

I have a good suggestion
for the two of you, though.

What?

I don't know if you wanna
hear it.

No, I do wanna hear it.

Oh, I know what
you're gonna say.

- What?
- What is it?

- No phone.
- Might be a good idea.

Yeah, maybe I'll take a little
detox from social media.

That would be a nice thing,
right?

I really do appreciate my mom
looking out for Kier and me.

No matter how tumultuous
my relationship is

with Bunny at times,

family is
the most important thing to me,

and I don't take that
for granted.

Kiki, I wish you would come
to, like, the Mob party,

just for an hour.

- But it already happened.
- First one.

Well, you missed
Grandma's speech.

Oscar-worthy.

- Oh, stop it.
- It was, Mom.

It was really good.

[ amplified voice ] Thank God
Leah followed her dream

because I certainly
couldn't have given her

any inspiration about this.

- Congratulations.
[ cheers and applause ]

I feel like we're in a much
better place than we were

a few months ago.

I know you're not happy with
every single decision I make,

but at the end of the day
you still have to

understand me and support me
even if you don't agree

with every single decision
I make.

And I do. How do I not?
Like, what do I say?

Well, you told me
to go to hell the other day.

And what did you tell me first?

♪♪♪♪♪

- [bleep] off. [ laughs ]
- [ laughs ]

My relationship with my mother
is in progress.

I am gonna work on being
a little more mature

when it comes to dealing
with my mom.

Lookit, I did a mom
and a daughter.

- That's cute.
- Yeah.

[ laughs ]

There's more change that's gonna
come from little baby steps

than trying to make
these huge changes.

So I am working on that.

- Well, this was fun.
- Yeah.

You're... Honestly,
I'm pretty impressed

with your gingerbread houses.

Yours came out fine.
Yeah, it came out fine.

- Looks very nice and then so...
- Don't be so hard on yourself.

- I agree.
- I am hard on myself, actually.

It looks really good, actually.

- Thank you.
- You know why

she's hard on herself?
- 'Cause of you?

- Of course. [ laughs ]
- I wasn't gonna say that.

Coming up...

[ amplified voice ]
Who you gonna marry,

who you gonna F,
and who you gonna kill?

Dorinda, Ramona, or Tinsley?

Oh, Tinsley's un-[bleep]-able,
so...

[ laughter ]

♪♪♪♪♪

So what are we...

- I... Yeah.
- ...actually seeing tonight?

So basically, Luann has,
like, a new cabaret

that she's gonna, like,
practice,

and Sonja's in it. - Un-huh.

But Dorinda's not coming
'cause she had hand surgery.

- Okay, she gets a pass.
- Absolutely.

Obviously.
Ramona just told Luann today

that she's not showing up.

You wait and tell her on the day
of her performance

that you can't come?

Why didn't you do it when
she sent the invite out?

That's bullsh...

I haven't been around a while,
but it does seem that

these ladies are sick
of cabaret.

Like, I have not seen
any cabaret,

so she's got
a new audience member here.

- Yeah, this.
- Wait, what's...

Harold 6. Here, go, go.

[ laughs ]

♪♪♪♪♪

Thank you, guys,
all for being here.

So we're starting the new show,
"Marry, F, Kill"

in the new year on the road,

and it's really an amazing gift
you've given us

to be able to, um...
[ chuckles ]

to try it out in front of, uh,
an audience,

uh, so we can...
We can hear how it goes,

so thank you, guys,
so much for coming.

- [ cheering ]
- We really appreciate it.

♪♪♪♪♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ amplified voice ] Welcome!

- [ laughs ]
- [ cheering continues ]

Welcome, my friends,
to "Marry, F, Kill."

I was inspired to do
"Marry, F, Kill"

because I do a Q&A
with the audience,

and I always get asked who I
would marry, F, or kill.

So how you doing, Luann?

I'm doing great.
It's all-new material,

and it's really based on sex
and relationships,

all of those fun things that,
um, I never really talk about.

- Thank you.
- Oh, see, do have...

Do you have any
new year's resolutions?

Um, you know, my track record
at that time of year

isn't really that great. - Oh.

[ laughter ]

So you know,
this holiday season,

I thought, you know,
I'd try not to get married,

divorced, or arrested.

[ gong resonates ]

[ laughter ] - Boring!

- [ cheering ]
- [ laughs ]

I really feel this
"Marry, [bleep], Kill" thing

is Luann's idea of how
to refresh the cabaret.

I just got back from a trip
with my girlfriends in Mexico.

- [ cheering ]
- Yeah!

And I didn't fall into one bush!

- [ laughs ]
- [ laughs ]

The material's getting old.

Just saying.

I gotta tell you guys,
I've got a problem.

Every time I go out,
somebody asks me

if I'm gonna get married again,

and every time I go out,
I see Harry Dubin,

and he asks me if
I'm gonna get married again.

If Harry Dubin asks me
one more time

if I'm gonna get married again,
I'm gonna have to kill him.

No, Lu, don't kill Harry!

Oh, come on, Sonja.
I was just joking.

I have a solution
to your problem.

Okay, Sonja-rita.

Myself, I'm impromptu, so I
don't have to have a shtick.

Come on up here, Sonja.
Everybody...

[ cheers and applause ]
- The Sonja Morgan.

[ cheering continues ]

I just... have new stuff
all the time.

We're gonna play a little game.
It's called "Marry, F, Kill."

Who you gonna marry,
who you gonna F,

and who you gonna kill?
- Kill, kill, kill.

Wait. Dorinda...

Ramona... or Tinsley?

- I'm gonna kill Ramona.
- Yeah. That was easy.

Then who do I have?
Dorinda and who?

Dorinda, and, uh, Tinsley.

Oh, Tinsley's un-[bleep]-able,
so...

[ laughter ]

Maybe I'll marry her
after her first divorce...

[ audience groans and laughs ]

Second divorce,
which has some, uh...

Oh, sh... [ laughs ]

And then that leaves me
having sex with Dorinda,

who may be a sleeper hit
in the bed.

Oh! [ laughs ]

People pleasure.

"Marry, [bleep], Kill"
is nothing new either.

Some of us have... ed everybody.

So... the list gets short.

I love you guys. Thank you
so much for coming tonight

to our little preview
of "Marry, F, Kill."

You've been a great audience.
I love you.

Thank you, Sonja Morgan, for
being my guest. Love you guys.

[ cheering ]

I thought it was great.
I thought it was a treat,

getting to see Sonja and Luann
perform together,

so I don't know why
Ramona wouldn't wanna come.

All right,
let's open some champagne.

Did you like it?
Wasn't that fun?

You know what?
I'm happy Ramona's not here,

honestly, because guess what?
I can chew gum,

and I can show my vagina
to everybody

without being judged for it!
[ laughter ]

Well, it is "Marry, F, Kill,"
so...

- Fair enough.
- ...you're gonna show

your vajayjay,
this is the time to do it.

I know that Ramona loves
to support women.

The problem is,
is she doesn't support me.

♪♪♪♪♪

You guys are doing it
very well together.

No, I'm very self-conscious
'cause you look so amazing.

- I told this to Lu. I said...
- You look great.

No, I've... I've had a very
big year, lot on my plate.

And I-I let it go. I-I really
need you to take me

to work out or something.
I wanna look like that!

- Oh, yeah, let's do it.
- I wanna look like this.

- Sonja, let's do it.
- Let's do it.

Why don't we?

I've put myself
on the back burner.

I put every project
that I'm working on

on the front burner.

Now I can tackle a lot of
the things that I let pile up,

mainly my health.

Need to take care of myself now.

Listen, honestly, I like doing

different things every week.
- Okay.

Because if I do the same thing
every week...

- I get bored!
- ...I get very bored,

so I have this... this, um, app
called Mindbody app.

Classes are available any day,
any time.

- No.
- Yes.

I have it on my phone right now.
Look.

What do you do?

You can literally search
for anything.

So I see what's available.

So we just pick what day
we wanna go,

and we see what classes
are going on,

and then we do it. That's it.
- Oh, my...

What day do you wanna go?

Let's go after drag queen Bingo.

- So let's go Thursday.
- Okay.

So for now,
I'm booking both of us

for Thursday, okay? - Okay.

We're going no matter
how hungover we are

from drag queen Bingo.
- Oh, yeah.

Even if we have glitter
all over us still, we're going.

- No, I commit, and I show up.
- All right.

- Done.
- Okay, good. So we'll do that.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Yay! It'll be good.
- I'm excited.

I have red lipstick on,
so I can't really touch you.

[ laughs ]

I really have come to love Sonja
so much.

She's just a free, artist soul
who is misunderstood

and complicated and layered,

and I want her
to just feel her best.

- All right, let's make a toast.
- Toast.

- To Luann and Sonja.
- No. Hold on.

- A toast...
- I know you guys have been

friends for a really long time.

You guys have
a very, very special chemistry,

and I'm so happy that you guys
are doing this together.

- Thank you.
- It's gonna be awesome.

To women supporting women!
[ laughs ]

Women supporting women.
That's true.

Coming up...

I don't know why you bring
a straight guy to an LGBTQ...

You... Okay. It did not say
on the invitation, "gay only."

I said, "Don't bring
your boring friends."

[ laughter ] - Oh, my God.

♪♪♪♪♪

This is what I'm wearing
tonight.

These are...
You've got a heel for me.

- Or I could wear, like, just...
- Yes.

- She's sexy.
- Those are cute, too, right?

Gosh. This is like some kind of
gay man's dream,

and it's lovely. There's, like,
rainbow and there are fishnets.

- Those are cute on, actually.
- Those look comfortable.

Are you sure the drag queens
ain't come here to get ready?

[ laughs ] It's true.

Is RuPaul in there somewhere?

♪♪♪♪♪

What is Kiki doing? How is...

Where are you guys eating
for dinner?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, Rob.
That's all you can cook.

Yep, that's right.

You better work.
You better take care of the kid.

I got things to do,
and it's almost 2020,

and this is how it goes now.

♪♪♪♪♪

Oh, yeah, that works.

Okay, let's see if it
looks good. Let's see.

Oh. Yeah, okay, it works.

Oh, yeah. I got it going.

♪♪♪♪♪

I know Luann's gonna love this.
Hello!

It's always perfect.

- Hello!
- Hi, Sonja.

- [ laughs ]
- Triplets.

I couldn't be happier
with the layout.

It's spacious. It's tinsel-y,
and it's a winter wonderland.

- Hi!
- I love it.

How are you?

My hair's as tall as you.
How are you? You look so good.

This party is about me
raising money for GLAAD,

which is one
of my favorite charities

for the LGBT community,
having a good time,

celebrating our differences
and our similarities.

I said, are those drag queens
or Housewives?

[ laughter ]

I wasn't sure if you were Luann.

- Honey... [ laughter ]

'Cause she's a tall woman.

Basically, one big hot mess,
which I love.

Yes! How are you?

Where is she?

What?! Dorinda!

I had to distract
from the sling.

I want you to focus
on the turban.

- You look so good.
- Hello, queen.

- How you doing?
- You look incredible.

Well, oh, my God, you shop
where I shop, huh?

- Yes.
- Oh, yes, oh, yes.

I think one of these drag queens
went into my closet.

I have half these clothes.

You look fabulous.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

Merry Christmas.

Listen, there are few great
hostesses in the world,

and Sonja is one of them.

Let's get in this.
Who's that bitch?

Sonja-rita is not great
at accounting,

but let me tell you,
she knows how to throw a party.

Another sangria.
Sangria's great.

- Another sangria.
- Very drinkable.

- So you work out.
- Uh, I try.

- A little bit.
- A little bit, yeah.

- You're just born like that.
- Yeah, I'm just born like that.

Like Lady Gaga, born this way.

- This is nice, isn't it?
- It is nice.

You fit right in with us.

- That's a compliment.
- Hi!

- Looking good.
- This is Luann.

- Hello.
- That's Elisio.

Pleasure to meet you.
I love the hat.

- Hi. Thank you. Thank you.
- Beautiful hat.

And I'm wearing my eighth grade
Christmas dress...

- She looks gorgeous.
- ...from 1995.

- I see.
- It's a Pat Field's relic.

Lobster, anyone?

- Oh, my God.
- It's real good, though.

It is really good.

Ah. It's lovely.

If you're a female bartender,
you're wearing something sexy.

I think the men should do
the same thing,

like not wear a shirt...
if they have six-pack.

I mean, you're doing heels,

and she's
with her Adidas sneakers.

- I know. [ laughs ]
- Is that a choice? Is she okay?

- Yeah. "Is she okay?"
- If we have to wear heels...

- I'm just kidding.
- I'm wearing... I know.

You guys are just like...
The point that I made...

They're like, "If we wear heels,

- Sorry.
- "...if we wear heels..."

I love it.
At least you're comfortable.

I wanted to be comfortable.
I have to be. Exactly.

♪♪♪♪♪

- Hey. I have my escorts.
- Desmond!

- [ laughs ]
- How are you, babe?

- You look great.
- Oh, my God. I love that hat.

- It's so good on you.
- I know. This is my...

My premiere of my hat.

- Oh, my God. It's amazing.
- Yes.

Elisio is, like,
the best frickin' dancer.

No, I'm the best frickin'
dancer.

- [ laughs ]
- I think... I guess I taught...

I taught him
a couple old school moves,

and he took them happily.
- Okay.

We both have great complexions.

You look so beautiful! Wait.

I love your bra strap
peeking out.

I know. Marco's like,
"What are you gonna do about..."

- I said, "I like it."
- It's good.

- Dan and I go way back.
- I hear Sonja's voice.

- 'Cause it looks so good.
- I love the décor.

Okay, stop. Stop the music.

- What?
- What? What's the matter?

What are you doing,
strolling in here

with a straight guy at a Bingo,
at a gay Bingo?

'Cause I asked him... I asked him,

garnished by
a straight, handsome man.

Ron's funny. He likes to flirt.
He'll flirt with Leah,

flirt with Sonja. I mean,
I'm not interested in him.

He's just a guy friend.

Ramona calls me. She goes,
"What's drag queen Bingo?

I'm not doing that sh..."
I guess not.

- Well...
- She's gonna do this sh...

- Straight sh...
- Whatever.

This is one
of the number one reasons

I don't invite Ramona
to my gay parties.

Read the invite, bitch.

Wait. It's only gonna be
gay guys here? No straight guys?

You're an idiot.

♪♪♪♪♪

Mwah.

- Where'd you get this one?
- I don't remember you...

You don't remember me
from the Halloween party?

I slept with you? Oh, God.
He says I don't remember him.

- You slept with him?
- Did we make out at the...

- First of all, yes... we did.
- [ laughs ]

- But Sonja does like to kiss.
- Very good.

- Well, I can...
- I mean, here's a good kisser.

I thought you were a gay friend.

We... We made out, like,
six years ago at Beautique.

- Six years ago at Beautique?
- Yeah.

- Oh, so you maybe you were...
- That makes sense.

Well, you did say I made out
with random men at Beautique,

and I said I didn't,

so maybe you were right. - Yeah.

I mean, I'm delighted to see
Ron. At least he wasn't missing.

You're supportive, Ramona.
You wouldn't come last night.

He was seated
between you and me.

You didn't tell me
you weren't coming. Luann...

I didn't get your invitation
till Friday.

- You knew about it in Mexico.
- No, I did not.

You missed a great show.

No, you were terrible
not coming. Warm champagne.

And did she steal any
of your jokes, or did you

go with your old jokes?
- Ah, I was... Okay.

It was like, "Harry, Dick
or Sam or Paul."

- Harry wasn't even there.
- No, that... that joke?

- Oh, yeah, we used that joke.
- That's a good...

Oh, yeah, that was her joke,
right?

- I've been with Harry...
- I wrote it.

- No, I wrote that.
- Yeah, no, I wrote that.

No, I wrote it.

I've been saying it
for 10 years.

- Sonja wrote that joke.
- You stole that joke.

- No, I wrote it.
- It's okay. You can have it.

You can have the dick, too.

Well, as for Ramona, though,
I really don't know...

Wow, Le... Lu...
I think of how happy she is.

She didn't even tell me
she wasn't coming last night.

I know! I told her.

I mean, that's rude.

See, look. I didn't see it.
It just said, "Hey, girls.

Happy birthday. Uh, hope...
I know she can't make it."

That's all I saw and s...
That's all I saw.

I never touch that.
I didn't know.

Well, that's the attachment,
the invitation.

The heading didn't say, "See
my... come to my cabaret show."

- I always show up for you.
- I know you do.

But I'm just giving you
business advice.

When you want someone to come,
on the header, you say,

"Please come to my show."

Well, my business advice...
Open the attachment. How's that?

That's my business advice
to you.

No, I don't have time
to open attachments.

- Open the attachment.
- I don't have time

to open attachments.

Luann didn't tell me
till last minute.

[ goofy voice] "Oh, by the way,
I'm doing a cabaret thing.

Can you come?"

[ normal voice ]
Like, no, sorry.

I have a commitment already.
Like, can you give me, like,

like, a few days' notice?

- Leah, you're so quiet.
- Who, me?

[ laughs ]
Yeah, what's going on?

- Well, you know...
- Need some tequila?

- No, she's, uh...
- [ laughs ]

She's doing...
I'm not doing recall.

I know a little bit about Ron.

I know that he gets horny
at 2 in the afternoon.

You made out with my friend
last night.

You made out with her friend
last night.

- I don't even know.
- He doesn't remember.

I even have a text message
that she sent me

that you were gonna [bleep]
the life out of her.

- That's what you said.
- She does?

[ laughter ] - Oh!

Are you and Ramona on a date
right now?

No. She's my friend.
I never even kissed her.

Swear to God. I swear.

Well, there's always tonight.

- It's platonic?
- Super platonic.

I can tell
that he's the kind of guy

that probably wants to bang
25-year-olds.

Let's be honest here,
but I think Ramona likes

just straight male energy,
and he definitely has that.

You brought a statement there

'cause you're
in a statement hat.

- I did.
- The hat...

- It's great for your face.
- Gorgeous.

- Thank you.
- I want that hat.

Wait.
You guys are just platonic?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Because he's, you know...

Why not? [ laughs ]
We will explore.

It's better that way.
We're just friends.

Yeah, but you're looking also
for...

Yeah, but he's not...
He's not gonna be for me.

I've got some things
in the oven.

- Don't worry about me.
- Oh! Okay!

I've got some things
I'm working on still, baby.

[ singsongy ] Turtle Time!

- I got some stuff going on.
- [ laughs ]

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm sure you do. [ laughs ]

You don't understand
what she did here.

What did she do?

She was looking
for the green light.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- No, you wanna go out with her.

Don't flatter yourself.
Are you crazy?!

- You know...
- I actually love being single.

Listen, there's nothing wrong
with being single,

but it's still...
People need... I have friends.

- Friends with benefits?
- Yeah.

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God.

No, don't say that to Ramona.
Oh, my God!

- Don't talk about that. Aah!
- It's good.

She acts like this with you?
The second I say anything...

- No. Because I will not...
- She's like, "Oh! Oh!

Because I will
never talk to her like that.

You're at your prime right now.

- I know.
- I can make you shine.

Okay. Thank you.

- Cheers. [ glasses clink ]

Disgusting.

We're gonna get started
in just a little bit.

- Thank you so much.
- I, uh...

Oh, we're actually
playing Bingo? Cool.

I guess so.

Yes, it's quite a... It's a leap.

[ laughs ]

Uh, before we start the games,
the number one message is

tonight is benefiting
the LGBTQ+ community.

[ cheers and applause ]

And I wanted to just say
I don't know why

you bring a straight guy
to an LGBTQ...

You... Okay, it did not say
on the invitation "gay only."

It says, "Bring your best friend
drag queen."

No, it just says... Okay, listen.

You said, "I'm not doing
that sh..."

Open your attachments!

You brought the same old people

that you always bring!
- [ laughs ]

These are my best friends,
like you!

I said, "Don't bring
your boring friends.

I'm not bringing mine."
- They're not boring.

- I love them.
- Yes, they are.

Oh, my God.

You ran out of Leah's party. You
ran out of Leah's party, too.

I'm good. I'm looking... Hold on.

- It's all good.
- Ramona, Ramona...

- Did she just say I'm boring?
- Aah! [ laughs ]

It says, "Wave your freak flag."

Don't blame me for something
that's not true.

Shh! Let her continue
her speech, Ramona.

This is terrible,
but you know what?

I've learned to have a specific,
permanent smile on my face

so it's not a disaster.

All right, here we go.
Once you get five in a row,

you're gonna get Bingo, and then
we are going to move on.

- I'm gonna win.
- You don't wanna sit down?

Shh! It's very serious. Stop.

Our first blue ball
of the night... [ chuckles ]

Shout out to ya. It's G52.

- Yes! Yes!
- You got it!

- Yes!
- Wonderful.

- Unfortunately...
- I am winning!

...she does not have Bingo,

but I do appreciate
your enthusiasm.

Here we go, G58.

- Yes!
- What?!

Yes! Keep it moving!

Obviously, when Dorinda's
not doing Dorobics,

she's at the Elks Lodge
playing Bingo,

because she is so competitive.

- All right, G60.
- Yes!

Don't say, "Yes"
until you get one.

I'm getting close, Sonja.

Part of winning is winning
in your mind first.

Is anybody close? Are you close?

- I'm close.
- Oh! I like 69!

- Are you!
- Oh, sh...!

Ramona! You messed up her card!

- Oh, oh. It's all right.
- She messed up Dorinda's card.

- She sucks.
- I wanted 69.

No, but I know that's
your favorite number.

You've got your mind
in the gutter about 69 and sex?

Like, literally 10 minutes ago,
I said "friends with benefits,"

and that was disgusting to her.

This is about the community.

It's not about you
and your vajayjay.

Oh, my Lord.

I just like the way "69" looks.

It's you have the 6 this way,
and the 9 the other way.

It's very graphically pretty.

All right, B14, B14.

Don't say 69.
Ramona will lose her... shiz.

B14.

- Such a ripoff.
- You got a Bingo?

- [ guests shouting ]
- Cheater!

I want a callback
of your numbers.

You want a callback.

I need a drink.

Dorinda, this is just Bingo.
You can lighten up here.

I'm in a medical state.
I need to be medicated.

Okay, we saved the best
for last.

I've met a lot of drag queens,

but I've never seen one
with legs as long as Lu's.

She has a new hit called
"Viva La Diva."

- "Viva"?
- "Viva La Diva."

Oh, she said "Diva."

And she's gonna share it
with you tonight.

- Here you go.
- Is that the introduction?

[ cheers and applause ]

Okay, that's better.
That's better.

Hi, everybody. Well, it's nice
to be here with everybody,

first of all, and celebrate
the holidays together,

and to be supportive of GLAAD
and the LGBT community.

All you queens are looking
fabulous tonight,

what can I say? - [ cheering ]

I had the... the luck
and the honor

to work with Desmond Child,
"Livin' on a Prayer," Bon Jovi,

he's worked with Cher,
so we literally came out

of the studio
just a couple of days ago.

This is just a preview
for you guys, so...

- [ cheering ]
- Take it, Lu!

So we're still...
We're still working on it.

[ cheers and applause ]
- Take it, Lu!

- Cher, Lu.
- Cher.

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ A woman walked
two steps behind ♪

♪ Afraid to talk
and speak her mind ♪

♪ Kept it all inside ♪

♪ But those days are over ♪

♪ Listen, sister ♪

It just... I...

At least it's not
"Happy Birthday," okay?

♪ Viva la diva, viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva la diva,
there's a diva deep in you ♪

♪ Viva la diva, viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ 'Cause here's some
diva attitude ♪

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva ♪ [ laughs ]

It really gets stuck
in your head.

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ Struttin' down 5th Avenue ♪

It's refreshing to see
my girl Lu

owning up to being a diva.

We've known it for decades,

but the fact she knows now,
it's a good thing.

♪ Viva la diva ♪

♪ Viva la diva ♪

I mean, I'm just so happy
because everybody's dancing

and loving the song.

♪ Ooh, viva la diva ♪

I have gone through so much
from probation

and now to being on the stage
with a new song.

We're singing along.

There's nothing I would change.

Now I respect every single day.
Every single day is a gift.

♪ Let the diva live in you ♪

- This is a diva...
- Oh, yeah!

Party started, man! Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

♪♪♪♪♪

Yeah, man! [ laughs ]

Hey, I'm talking out of my ass.

- Yeah. [ laughs ]
- Whoo!

♪♪♪♪♪

Oh, my God! Look at D's moves!

I've grown so much
over these last few months,

especially getting things right
with my mom.

I have a newfound love
for the Upper East Side.

What can I say?

And now I feel like
I'm in a place

where I'm ready to let go
of [bleep] boys

and possibly even be
in a relationship with somebody.

♪♪♪♪♪

You guys have been
great girlfriends to me.

We have.

I feel really good where
I'm sitting right now.

I have lined up my ducks.

It's not been easy,
but I wanna show people

that you can go off the rail
sometimes

and just get back up.
Fight the fight.

Never play the victim.

♪♪♪♪♪

I am so happy that right now
in this moment,

that we are such in
a good place with each other.

And I really feel like
we've evolved so much.

The best relationship
you can have is with yourself,

so I have a great relationship
with myself.

Ah! That's called masturbation,
but okay. Go ahead.

♪♪♪♪♪

Can I just say
I love all you girls?

We're not "Sex in the City,"
we're not "Absolutely Fab,"

we're... ing us. - [ laughs ]

Thank you for having
open hearts with me.

- I appreciate it.
- Listen, can I just say...

Tinsley introduced me
to you guys.

- Oh, God.
- No.

[ record needle scratches ]
- I'm not doing that sh...

Oh, come on. Come on.

- Sorry. [bleep] you.
- Are you... ing kidding me?!

Sorry, I'm not part of that.

Tinsley... I will not give
Tinsley that. [bleep] you.

- I won't.
- That's bullsh...!

Tinsley did sh...
Tinsley almost ruined our show.

- She had too much to drink.
- Oh, my God!

You're gonna give a toast
to Tinsley Mortimer,

who left the show
and breached her contract

and left over nothing?!
- Exactly! I agree!

- I won't.
- If you're not here,

you don't get kudos.
- You won't mention her name.

- Hello...
- I will say

whatever I want, actually.
- No, [bleep] you.

I am a principled person.

Yeah, the hand is working
pretty well over there.

No, it's not...

You're... You're spitting
all over!

You're spitting all over.

Merry Christmas.

- I won't do it.
- You're spitting. Stop.

No. Tinsley left the show.
She breached the contract.

Oh, my God!

And just flees from the season.

- I invited her tonight.
- [bleep] that sh...

- Try principle. Try principle.
- She went back to Chicago.

[bleep] that sh...

- Wow. Wow.
- Oh, my God.

She's, like, obsessed
with Tinsley.

Go [bleep] herself.

All I was saying is that
Tinsley left,

and, like, it gave me a chance
to, like, bond with everybody.

- Guess what?
- And I love all of you.

- Tinsley left.
- That's what I'm literally

trying to tell her. I love her!

And you're... you're still here.

- Tinsley didn't... ing sh...
Anything...

She left us.
Yeah, and she's a bitch.

Yes.

So, like, enjoy you.
What is she doing?

She's going beyond. Now this is
beyond my wildest expectations

of her as a person.
- This is crazy.

I'm really freaked out.

We don't want
that bitch's name mentioned.

- It was a wreck.
- I'm gonna go home.

- She...
- She's... She's got work to do.

- I mean...
- We all have work to do.

When you don't grow, that's
a great example over there.

What just happened is
a great example of not growing.

- I'm done.
- I'm not.

- [ laughs ]
- I know it's done.

There's a lot of pain and a lot
of sh... going on in there.

It's coming up.

And she wouldn't come
to the show

after having surgery, come on.
She came out to this party.

She could've come to my show.

No, she could've come
to the show.

She doesn't wanna come
to my show.

It's awful.

I don't even wanna, like,
even deal. Did she leave?

I don't wanna be near
that energy. I hope she left.

Happy... ing holidays.
[ laughs ]

- I mean, seriously.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry... ing Christmas.

Bitch.

- Bitch.
- [ laughs ]

Next week
for the first time since March,

we're having
an in-person reunion.

Hold on, Sonja, you're putting
sanitizer on your leg.

Yeah, I need a little shine
for tonight.

Where are you at with dating?

- Time will tell.
- Are you seeing somebody?

- Oh, my God.
- You know, we'll see.

- We made out.
- He's cute.

We played pool. He didn't get
to see these wings.

- [ laughs ]
- I have a juicy question.

Are you trying to have children?

So...

Why did 10 people say
they saw her body parts?

Because your friends
are freaking blind!

Do you regret the way
you behave?

You need to be accountable
for your actions.

Yeah, I know, and I apologized.

Way too little, too late.

Well, I miss him
every single day.

[ exhales deeply ]

Go with your loser friends.
They're a PSA statement

for a bad facelift, like yours.

STFU. Okay?

Ramona is out every single night
drinking.

- I mean, I do it on video.
- I drink water.

- Why do you think I'm thin?
- You're not that thin.

You are disgusting.
Oh, my God. Go to church.

- People are dying!
- Ramona, Ramona...

She was running around...

People don't wear masks outside.

No, you don't have to follow
the rules

when everybody else does.

I followed the rules in Florida,

and I'm allowed to come back,
bitch!

- What did you just say?
- And safely!

Okay, ladies...

I don't wear masks in the ocean!

We are responsible
for a message!

I don't wear masks in the ocean!

Guys, stop!

Aren't you glad you came,
Tinsley?

[ laughs ]