The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - The M Word - full transcript
Kyle reflects on her own acting career when her seven-year-old daughter Portia expresses an interest in following in her mother's footsteps. Across town, Erika and her husband visit Yolanda and David in Malibu before the Fosters head off on a beautiful vacation. Elsewhere, Eileen and Vincent argue over the proper time to have an argument. Lisa Vanderpump invites the ladies over to show off the surprise mini-horses she got for Ken, but Lisa Rinna has a surprise of her own -- a shocking suggestion about Yolanda's health.
- Previously on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...
- Oh look at that.
It's a pony with a tutu!
- Oh!
- No, no, no, look.
She's picking up her foot, see?
I'm starting to see
that she looks lame,
and I'm thinking,
"Is it the gravel?
Is it her shoes? What is it?"
- I've got a little window
to write this.
- I'm sorry. Just wait a second.
But you realize
I've got a little coffee high.
- I'll devote some time,
but right now, I need to...
This is... this is
my prime time, okay?
Cut the coffee.
I got ten minutes to write this.
Please, don't distract me
right now, please...
- Too late.
- I want to make sure
the jury likes me today.
- Every day.
By day, I'm Erika Girardi,
married to Tom Girardi.
But by night,
I'm something else.
- Pat the puss,
pat the puss, pat the puss.
Drop it down, bounce.
- Dad, we love you, and...
not gonna be sad here.
- Vincent's father,
Dick Van Patten,
passed away very recently.
I'm kind of sad.
- No, because he wants us
to be happy.
- I am so, like,
confused about this whole thing.
It seems strange to me
that she's like,
happy selfie,
sick selfie.
- Yolanda is so desperate
that it's like you're just
stabbing in the dark
at this point,
like you'll do anything.
- Just, it seems like there's
a lot of back and forth,
and I don't understand.
[upbeat music]
- My lips were made for talking,
and that's just what they'll do.
- In Beverly Hills,
you can be anything,
but it's most important
to be yourself.
- I'm an enigma
wrapped in a riddle and cash.
- I may be an actress,
but that doesn't mean
I'll stick to your script.
- Fake friends
believe in rumors.
Real friends believe in you.
- I'm passionate about dogs,
just not crazy about bitches.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Here they are.
Be careful with Giggy,
'cause I don't know how...
Oh my God,
I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Tina?
- Lisa.
- Oh, I love you.
- It's the traveling stable.
- How you doing?
- Oh my God, I can't believe...
Okay, I'm really scared
to see her.
After the fiasco in Ohio,
I was just kind of devastated,
because I really wanted to buy
this little miniature horse
for Ken's birthday.
Now I'm here,
I notice that she looks
like she's lame
in her right leg.
My friend Hank heard how upset
we were that we were let down.
He heard of a little horse farm
in Texas,
and he made it his mission
to try and get me a little horse
just in time
for Ken's actual birthday.
How is she? - She's fine.
Let's... let's look around
on the other side
and take a peek in there
and say hello to Tina.
You ready, Houston?
Okay, you ready?
- You brought the baby as well?
[playful music]
♪ ♪
- [chuckles]
- My God.
- You ready? You're on this end.
You're on this end, yes.
- Oh, my God, what did you do?
♪ ♪
- There you go.
♪ ♪
- Oh, you're so beautiful.
- [laughs]
- What did you do, Tina?
You got two of them?
Are they both for me?
You think I should have two?
How are you?
- Well, it made the...
Oh, it made them so much calmer
in the plane.
- Oh my God.
- Do you love them?
[laughs]
- Ken is gonna
flip his fáááing...
[laughter]
I'm gobsmacked.
I'm really lost for words.
I cannot believe that
she has not only picked up
this little horse,
but a baby as well.
What about this one?
Are they related?
- No.
- This one's not gonna turn
into a horse, is it...
Like a big horse?
- No, no, no, no, it won't get
any bigger than this one.
- I mean, I can't say no,
and I actually think
it's a better idea to have two,
to keep each other company,
suddenly.
We've got to go, because Ken's
gonna be here at 3:15 exactly.
So, do you think we can
take them in here like this?
- Yes, let's take her.
- Of course.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna cry.
It's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
So I have eight swans, seven
dogs, and two mini horses...
And not forgetting my little
seven-year-old pot-bellied pig.
No poo-poo here. Come on.
Good girl.
Oh, I love her.
They're so calm, aren't they?
[pony neighs]
Yeah, welcome home.
It may seem odd for some people,
to have horses
walk through your house.
This is where you're gonna live.
But now they're our pets.
They're part of our family,
and they have a right to be
in the house as much as we do.
Tina, you're in so much trouble.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[line trilling]
- Hello?
- Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
- Hey, good.
- What are you doing?
- Oh. [chuckles]
Oh, just sitting here
looking out the window.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- No, I...
There's a lot going on here
in this joint, without a doubt.
- I can't spend any time
with Tom during the work day.
Are we still on
for dinner tonight?
- Yes, for sure.
- We talk briefly about four
or five times during the day,
but there is no
"come down to the office."
There's... there's no time.
It's... it's law first.
Do you want me to pick you up,
or do you want
me to meet you there?
- You know what? I think maybe
I just meet you there,
because I think I have a
meeting down on the west side.
- Okay, I'll see you 7:00
at Medeo.
- Okay, sounds great.
- All right, honey. Bye-bye.
- Thanks, kitten.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.
- I'm just as busy as Tom is,
'cause Erika Jayne's out
doing her thing.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Hey.
- Hey, boo.
- What are you doing?
- Talking about you.
- All right. [chuckles]
- Hey.
- Tom has never been
anything other than supportive
of Erika Jayne.
He's never told me,
"Hey, don't say that.
Hey, don't wear that.
You can't do that."
Nice to see you. - You too...
- Hey, how are you?
Hi, gorgeous.
- Hi, baby.
Good to see you. Muah.
Oh, good...
- Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Is this the red one?
But at the same time,
I've never told him anything
about his law business either.
You know,
so I think it's a balance.
I love the compression catsuit,
because it just... you know what,
you can do anything in it,
and everything
looks good all the time...
- Yeah,
it holds it all together.
- Yeah, of course, 100%.
- Yup, let's do it.
- Okay.
- Let's get it on you
and see how you feel.
- All right.
If Tom had to choose
between Erika Jayne
and Erika Girardi,
I think he would choose
Erika Girardi.
But Erika Jayne on the weekends.
She's a good time.
Ooh. [laughs]
- Almost.
- Get my fat ass
into this thing.
Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
- Whoo.
- Hold on. Just hold on one sec.
- It's pretty.
- That's great...
- So then...
- Yeah.
- So, there you go.
- There's your girl.
- There she is.
- Yeah.
- Eat a dick.
- Drop it down.
Right, eat a dick.
- Isn't that gonna be great?
- Uh-huh.
- It's gonna be amazing.
I like the red.
- Oh, I'm up! Look...
- The red's fabulous.
- Yeah, the red's so good...
- And it's so yours.
- I like being Erika Jayne
because as Erika Jayne
I can do anything I want.
Ugh.
I feel like that fat cat
in that YouTube video,
that can't get through the door
in the little... Jesus,
Marco... fááá.
I mean, I'm sassy. I'm bratty.
I'm pushing it
in everybody's face.
- What are you thinking?
- I think the red is snatchy.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's more ááááy.
- Mm-hmm.
- I bet everybody wishes
they could be Erika Jayne.
I think every woman
has a little bit of Erika Jayne
inside of her.
She's just dying to get out.
Bye, guys. - Bye, babe.
- Bye, love you.
[upbeat music]
♪♪♪
- I'm looking for my husband,
Vince Van Patten.
- Okay, I think we just
sat him a few moments ago.
If you just go right out
these doors and on to the back.
- Okay. Oh, thank you so much.
- Enjoy.
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
- Hey, stranger.
- How are you doing?
You look great.
- Oh, I feel like
I haven't seen you forever.
- Honey, you got...
You got holes in your pants.
- Oh, very funny.
- You know,
there's rips and holes.
- Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.
The day-to-day dynamic
for Vinnie and me is that,
some days, we don't even know
if we're gonna see each other.
I feel like I have literally not
seen you in a really long time.
- Yeah, it's been 24 hours.
- Has not. It's been three days.
Sometimes I'm working.
Sometimes he's working.
Sometimes we're both working.
Sometimes we're both at home.
We've kind of gotten used to it,
and... every day's
a new adventure.
So, what did you do in Del Mar?
Was it hard being there
without your dad?
I know that's where
you guys always went.
- Yeah, it was, it was tough.
- Yeah?
- And it was also great,
because he loved that place.
And you know what?
He had great joy there,
so it was... it was fine.
It was fine.
- For years and years
and years and years,
Dickie Van Patten went to
the track
with all of his
friends and family.
It has a very,
very special place
in all the Van Pattens' hearts.
- Went to the track, didn't bet
any of the races except for...
Like, bet real small
until I liked a race.
And lo and behold,
it was like my father
was helping me win or whatever.
- No way.
- Winner after winner
after winner.
- No, you did not.
- It was like one
of those stupid days.
- No way,
you never win at the track.
- I know, I know, I don't.
- No, wait. You did?
- I did win.
- Dickie's saying was,
"Tennis in the morning,
poker in the evening,
racing in the afternoon."
And that's actually gonna
be on his headstone.
How much did you win?
- Like, a lot, 600 bucks.
- Really?
So you gonna buy dinner tonight?
- Of course.
- You seriously won 600 bucks?
- Yeah, we did, yeah.
- That's so exciting.
- Yeah.
- How come I wasn't there?
- Don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are we?
- Good.
- Good, how you doing?
- Okay, I already
know what I want.
I'm gonna get whatever
your driest white wine is.
- Okay, you got it.
- And I'm gonna
have the halibut.
- How is the Moroccan chicken?
- The Moroccan chicken's
awesome.
- Awesome.
- It's awesome...
- Is it... is it better
than the halibut?
- I have a really good idea.
You guys can split the halibut
and then split
the Moroccan chicken.
- Okay. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- She's nice.
- She's like the cutest girl
in the world... it's our waitress.
Like, the cutest girl
in the world.
By the way, I'm sorry
I was a little bitchy to you
on the phone this morning.
Sorry about that. - Well.
- It's like I feel like I'm, you
know, scheduling the childcare,
and I've got every...
I'm working.
You're out of town.
You say you're gonna be home
at a certain hour,
so I get childcare
for that period of time.
Then you go,
"Well, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna go do this."
I'm like, you can't do that.
Everything is a domino effect.
Sometimes I just feel
like you have all this freedom,
and that I'm always having to,
like, regiment everything.
- You don't attack me
early in the morning.
[tense music]
- It wasn't an attack...
- At 6:00, when I wake up...
- I didn't attack you.
- You sort of did.
- I wasn't attacking.
See, that's the funny thing
between men and women.
To me, I'm expressing myself.
He sees it as an attack.
- Hey, I don't blame you...
- And by the way,
I texted you right away,
and I said, "I'm sorry
I was snapping at you."
- I appreciate that, but...
- Can you understand
my point of view, though,
why it would feel that way?
Like, "Oh, I'm just gonna
go do this now.
I'm gonna go to the beach."
- But we should not talk about
anything that's...
Anything until 9:00-ish.
♪ ♪
- I can't agree to that.
I can't look at the clock
and go, "Okay,
it's almost 9:00."
- No, because you...
- "Now I can get mad at him."
I mean, I can't do that.
- No, because you're an idiot.
You have your coffee, and
you're like foaming at the bit...
[gibberish]
And then, next thing you know,
you're attacking.
- Actually, you just
pissed me off when you said
you were gonna go
to the beach then.
I'm like, "You can't
go to the beach.
You've got to take care
of Jesse."
- My point exactly.
We've got to just...
We got to... anyways...
- I had to tell you
at that moment.
You want me to wait...
You want me to wait till 9:00?
- Nothing controversial
till 9:00.
- Sometimes, I feel like Vince
doesn't always appreciate
everything I do for the family.
If something changes,
I immediately let him know,
so that we can all be
on the same page.
What's gonna happen here?
Who's gonna get that?
If something changes for him,
it just changes for him.
Anyway, can you just say,
"Okay, I accept your apology?"
Can we move on?
- I do.
- Coming up...
- What bear's gonna come
inside the house?
- They've already been
inside the house...
- It already has.
- What?
- It ripped down the door.
- [gasps]
♪ ♪
- Hi.
- How are you girls?
- Hi.
- Good, how are you?
- Good, thank you.
Are you ready to order?
- Can I have the kale salad,
please?
- Can I please have
the chicken Dijon sandwich?
- And may I have the
Il Tram chopped salad, please?
- All right, coming up.
- Thank you.
- So tell me,
are you excited for Canada?
- Yeah, I'm excited.
- I get to come up for a chunk,
'cause I have to work.
We go to Canada every summer...
A place where Harry has gone
since he was just a little boy.
And you know, it's a huge place.
And it's gorgeous,
and it's a great way
to get out of Los Angeles,
get the kids in
a natural environment.
It's like their camp.
You know, all the East-Coasters
send their kids to camp.
We kind of have our own camp.
- I just, like,
a thing about Canada is,
I get really excited to go.
And then, like,
when I'm, like, halfway,
like, like, in the trip,
I start to get really homesick,
and then start to, like, wish
the days would go by faster.
- Uh, I know.
I wouldn't say my kids
are too spoiled.
Are they a little spoiled?
Absolutely. They're teenagers.
That's what we're dealing with.
How Kyle has done it with four...
That's a lot.
It ain't for sissies.
[upbeat music]
- I want Sophia to go first.
- I don't want Sophia
to go first.
- I'll go second. I'm scary.
[gasps]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Nice to see you again.
- You too, welcome back.
- Thank you.
I brought another daughter
this time.
- And how are your ears?
Oh, I see one's missing.
- Exactly.
That's one of the reasons
we're here.
- Okay.
- She wants to...
She wants to add
one more piercing there.
- Yeah, and...
- Okay, good.
- I guess I can be
a little uptight of a mom.
I am worried all the time.
They have to check in
all the time.
You know, they have to be
in bed at a certain time.
There are curfews,
and they're certainly not gonna
be driving a car at 13.
- Oh, my God.
- You want to sit on my lap,
all 5'10" of you?
- Mom, hold my... Mom.
- I got to put the ice on, okay?
Then don't touch it.
- Portia, why don't...
Why don't you go take a walk?
- Sophia's gonna be scary.
- Go take a walk.
- You know how Sophia gets.
- Okay, okay, ready.
- It's perfectly fine...
- I'm not doing it! I'm sorry!
- Okay, okay.
- [crying]
Mom, now you're making...
- I'm not mad.
- Okay, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Lean on her shoulder.
- Okay, go.
- How about Mom sits on her lap,
so that she...
- I don't... don't...
- How about I sit on your lap?
- Okay.
- Teenage daughters are
very good at manipulating,
especially Sophia.
She's a master.
- No, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready yet.
- I just have to be near you.
I'm not gonna do it.
- Okay, no, don't do that!
I can see you going
towards my ear...
- No, I'm gonna set my thing
right on your shoulder.
- I'm so scared right now.
I'm ready... aah!
- All right, she's ready.
Do it, do it, do it, do it.
[Sophia screaming]
- Perfect.
- Ow, ow! Ow! Ow!
- Put the ice back on it.
- It doesn't hurt that much.
It's not that bad.
- I don't want
to do the next one yet.
- Okay.
- I'm really freaked out.
- No, it's over.
It's over, you did it.
It's over, it's over, it's over.
Lisa and I are both
going through this stage
with our daughters,
especially Sophia and Amelia,
where sometimes they can
get a little sassy.
- Says about fears.
- Did you just touch my face?
- I just touched...
- You gonna do it again?
- I just did it twice.
Couldn't help myself.
They are just
all over the place.
Their frontal lobes
are not developed.
- Oh, my God! It really hurt.
- No, it did not.
Sophia, you know it didn't.
- I'm kind of jealous
that you're not gonna be
in Canada the whole time.
I'm just a little bit jealous.
Like...
- We could've stayed...
We could've stayed alone
in our cabin.
- Oh, right.
- We could've stayed alone.
- What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Tell me. - What's gonna get us?
- I'll tell you what...
A bear, a raccoon.
- You'd be scared to death.
I stayed there one night
by myself.
I was scared to death.
- Am I... am I you? I think
I'm a lot braver than you...
- Yeah, but we're together.
- You know what? I don't even
listen to them anymore.
I really don't. It's like this:
"La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la."
- What bear is gonna come
inside the house?
- They've already been
inside the house.
- It already has.
- What?
- It ripped down the door.
- And it ate
our refrigerator, remember?
- And then it ate our...
Ate our refrigerator.
- [gasps]
- Sophia...[whining] I'm scared.
- Okay, I did it...
- What... do you want to go
in front with her?
- You've got this. I can tell.
Give me a hug, and we'll go.
- Look at...
You have to look at her face.
- Look, we're all
surrounding you now.
Okay, no more talking.
Let her go.
- Ready?
- Okay, don't look at me.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm!
- You've got it.
You're almost there.
It's almost done.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's just an earring.
- When Portia was born,
she stopped breathing
for a minute.
After they took care of Portia
and everything was fine,
they said to me, "Just so you
know, she's just a drama queen."
- We're gonna be like,
"Whoo-hoo!"
- I can't.
- What, You can't?
Okay, then don't... then don't.
- All right.
- And here she is,
seven years later,
and we still call her
a drama queen.
What can I say?
- Okay.
- All right, well,
you got really close.
You should be proud of that,
okay?
So next time
you'll do it, all right?
- [whines]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hi, darling.
- Hey, babe.
[car door shuts]
♪ ♪
- Darling.
- Yeah?
- Quick, come here.
There's a Skype call.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- I'm coming.
- There's a Skype call, 3:15.
- You missed it?
- No.
- Huh?
- Do you love me?
- I do.
- Happy birthday.
Hank and Tina are here.
- Oh, are they?
- Yeah, and Houston.
Oh, my God,
Ken is gonna lose his mind
when he sees two horses.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
- Aren't they the most beautiful
things in the whole world?
It's your birthday present.
- I-I'm like...
- You're speechless. [laughs]
- One was bad enough.
Now there's two.
- I just want him
to fall in love with them.
They are so cute,
and they belong with us.
They're part of our family.
We just need a couple
of pairs of Maloof Hoofs,
and we'll be good to go.
No, she is fully...
- How old is this one?
- That's only a few months...
Gonna be the same size as her.
This is fully grown... - It's...
Is it... does it belong to her?
- No.
- Now, this one's only
a year and a half.
- Don't you love them?
- They're beautiful.
There's one problem I see.
It's extra work for me.
I can see me doing the mucking
out now.
Sháá, sháá, sháá, everywhere.
- I knew nothing about the one,
till I opened the back of the
car and nearly wet myself.
- Yeah.
- I nearly had kittens.
- She's... she kind of
gave me a dirty look.
It wasn't really
a nice surprise...
- I was like, "Are
you kidding me?"
She kind of turned it
right back on me.
What do you think?
- Oh, just, I'm...
I'm blown away, actually.
- I brought feed for you,
and I brought some hay...
Just a little bit
of oats, water...
- You need your oats
as well tonight,
'cause it's your birthday.
[laughter]
- Make sure I get those.
- I wanted to get Ken something
that would take his breath away.
And I think, looking at him now,
he is just speechless.
Mission accomplished.
- Oh, she's finally peeing.
That's great.
- My God,
she's much smaller now.
[laughter]
- Coming up...
- She trashed me
on "Entertainment Tonight."
- I heard.
- She said I was phony.
I don't know.
I thought I was
supportive, but whatever.
♪ ♪
- Oh my God, I'm exhausted.
I didn't do anything,
and I'm exhausted.
[doorbell rings]
- What's up, Girardis?
- How are you?
- Hi, baby.
- How are you?
- Hi!
- Nice to see you!
- Erika's been
a great support system
these last nine months
when I was sick.
She's been visiting me with Tom.
And she's shown up, you know?
She's proven to me
that she cares.
Hope it's not too cold.
I have blankies if you're cold.
- No, it's great. [chuckles]
- This is not good, Tom.
Well, this is what happened.
The...
- Cork fell in.
- How'd you know that?
- Because I saw the look on
your face behind your glasses.
- Yeah, it went
all over my clothes and...
- She's way too quick.
See, she talks for you too.
Now after being locked up
in the condo
for so many months, it's just...
It's beautiful to come back
to the house in Malibu, there.
It's nice to just spend the day.
It's like a little vacation.
- Are you recording?
Are you releasing?
Are you touring?
What are you doing?
- Getting ready to... yes, I am.
I'm performing. We have...
- All of the above?
- All of the above.
We're performing
in Chicago next week.
- She works as hard as I do.
- Yeah, we're getting ready to
release two records right now.
- That great, though.
- I'm super excited.
I have to say, I'm really happy
to see Yolanda smiling
and feeling good.
I know it can be really sháááy
laying in a bed all day,
staring at the ceiling.
I'd love for you to listen
and give me your, you know.
- Yeah, well,
I'm not a dance expert, but...
- No, but you're
an incredible musician.
- Good is good.
- I would love to, you know,
get your opinion
on those things.
If it made Yolanda happy,
I would probably drive out
to Malibu three times a week,
but not more than that,
'cause the traffic's really bad.
- I have to go to Europe
on the 6th.
Bocelli's doing a...
it's his first foundation.
- Oh, really?
- Where is that?
- Where?
- Beautiful night...
- It's in Tuscany, yeah.
And this year, they're...
They have a special treat
that people are gonna get
to meet somebody that...
- The Pope.
- Really?
- I didn't say that.
- Is it the Pope?
- Yes, it's the Pope,
but it's a big surprise...
- Oh, my God, I'm such a witch!
- I know, but it's a surprise.
You can't talk...
- How do I always
know everything?
- You can't talk about it.
- You can't talk about it...
- Can't talk about it, baby.
- I want to go.
Here's the thing about Yolanda:
even though her brain
may be foggy,
she's still a quick bitch.
- I have another great idea.
Oh, my God, I'm having
so many great ideas lately.
What about if Erika does
a dance song on Friday night?
- No.
- That's not a bad idea at all.
- I have such a good idea...
- It's not a bad idea at all.
It's not a bad idea at all.
- How great... you do a song
with David on the Friday night.
- Oh, my God,
I couldn't perform for the Pope.
He's... I'd burn up in flames.
My show isn't
exactly conservative.
Madonna didn't perform
for the Pope. What the fááá?
You think Erika Jane's gonna
perform for the fáááing Pope?
This isn't a possibility. No.
It's so... I... you know,
I don't know
that this would be a good fit.
- You mean you and Bocelli?
- Yeah.
- But you can tone it down...
- Oh, no, no, it would.
- You know, Erika Jayne is
kind of like this ultra-sexy,
blown-out, you know,
fantasy figure.
There's no way
that Erika Jayne's lyrics
are appropriate to perform
with Andrea Bocelli.
[pop music playing]
♪ Treat me as your concubine ♪
♪ Everything you have is mine ♪
I don't think that's gonna work
for Andrea Bocelli.
- Can you just take the week
off when you want?
- No.
- No, but I can...
- There you go again.
- I move... I can move stuff,
you know.
- Okay, I need to discuss
this answering thing,
because I have the same problem.
- You're married
to a strong woman.
- Is that what it is?
- Yeah.
You're married to bossy.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Eager little beaver today.
How are you?
- Hi, boo-boo.
- How you doing?
- I'm good, how are you?
- Good.
- Can you say
"red leather, yellow leather"
three times in a row?
- Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
- Well, look at you.
You're like,
"Done and done, check."
- I've always been hesitant
about Portia being an actress,
but she's my first child
who has actually wanted to be,
and has come to me
and asked me to help her.
- So, space work
is one of the most important
things in an improv scene.
So, now what I want to do,
you can make up anything
you want, and I'll go with it.
- So, as a mom, you know,
I want to help her
make the right decision,
and help her follow her dreams.
- Okay.
- Okay,
so if an audience
were watching, they would be...
- I don't know
how to start something...
- Portia, come here one second...
One second.
When you're doing this,
will you do me a favor?
Will you not giggle
the whole time,
and play with your hair
and fidget?
I got into acting by default.
After my parents got divorced,
that was our source of income.
You have to concentrate.
You're the one
who wants to do this.
- I know.
- For Portia,
it wouldn't be her job.
So I would hope that,
if she does end
up going down this path,
that she just looks at it
as something that's fun.
- Tea, that's what I want
the subject to be.
[giggles]
- Yes, mum.
Would you like tea hot or cold?
- Hot.
- What about your accent?
- My accent... you're right.
Anyways.
- Growing up as a child actor
was a very positive experience.
I know that it doesn't always
work out like that.
- There's the kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, and that's
where they cook it.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
- I think that,
also, even my sister Kim
had a very different experience
than I did.
My mom used to say
that Kim felt more pressure.
- Do you do other accents
besides British?
- Let's hear your
British accent.
I know that a lot of people
blame Kim's battle
with addiction
on her being a child actor.
- Whoo!
- Love her.
- That's right.
- I saw... that's what...
- But I disagree.
I think people are just born
who they are.
I think you're either
predisposed to sort of
be troubled,
or have these issues or not.
Say, "Hello, Darling."
- Okay, okay. Okay.
Hello, darling.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- What's going on here?
- I'm making your packets.
Here's your...
- Okay, for... how many days
am I gonna be gone... ten days?
- I've got 12 days here.
- Our vacation
to Canada's coming up.
I'm looking forward to
just be with my husband,
to reconnect our souls
and the core of,
you know, our love.
- I'm making your baggies
for the ten days.
- If I just do my pills
for ten days,
you don't think that's enough?
I always said,
"If somebody tells me
"to swallow bark
for three months,
and have no food,
no water, just bark,"
I would do it.
- So, let's just give you
the packs and then, you know,
just have some fun.
- If I'm gonna lose this battle,
it's not because I wasn't
committed to a program.
I'm gonna go lay down
for a minute.
- Go lay down, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, iPad, iPad, iPad, iPad.
It's here.
[Skype ringing]
Ooh, that's them.
Maybe it's a phone call.
Sháá.
[phone ringing]
Hello? - Hello.
- I did... am I doing it?
How do I do it?
I hate technology, really.
If it could all go away,
I'd be happier,
'cause I think it's challenging.
But it's just the fact
that I'm not that smart.
I'd like to say I am,
but I'm not.
I'm not.
It's just not my wheelhouse.
Oh...
Oh, it's Harry Hamlin. Hello?
- Hello.
- I did it! We did it!
Hi! I'm trying to put it...
- The wonders of
modern technology.
- Show me the boat.
- I thought we'd never...
- Oh, I see.
You flipped the camera.
I'm not in Canada with my family
because I'm working on QVC,
and I'm going back and forth
working like a...
Working like a fiend.
I'm gonna say... no to this.
Chartreuse always makes me
a little nervous.
- I know you...
- And it should.
It should make me nervous.
I think what sets my line apart
is that I come to it
not as a celebrity.
I actually really do know
what I'm talking about,
which is, I know,
hard to believe, but it's true.
And I have my hands
in all of it.
Like, I okay everything.
I just love it.
You know, it's my passion.
- Can you see the girls?
Are you in?
- Hi, cute girls.
- Hi.
- Hi, we miss you.
Why aren't you here?
- I miss you too.
I'm here all by myself.
I'm lonely.
You know, Lorena
took the week off,
so it's just me and Lola.
I got to... I got to do it.
I got to keep those balls
up in the air, baby.
I got to keep juggling.
I got to keep it going,
got to keep it going.
So I do.
- Both: Love you.
- Bye.
- Muah, muah, muah, muah, muah!
- Coming up...
- True Munchausen syndrome,
wherein those affected
feign disease, illness,
or psychological trauma
to draw attention, sympathy,
or reassurance to themselves.
♪ ♪
- Hey, baby.
- I made you a nice cup
of Canadian coffee.
David and I,
we have this one little spot
that we go in Canada,
where there is nothing
and nobody, just nature.
Like mountains and water.
And just sit, hang out,
and just be us together.
- Do you think
we should walk today?
- I can't... can't, I...
You ask me this every day,
and every day I have to
say to you, "I can't."
- Gets hilarious.
- The minute I... you know,
David and I got married,
I, you know, I got sick.
Obviously, it has been
very taxing on my relationship.
- We're calling
it the Love Boat.
You paddle, I do nothing.
- Yeah.
- You know, David gets impatient
and, you know,
he's allowed to get impatient.
I mean, it's a tough deal
for him as well.
- Oh, don't push off yet.
I have no paddle.
- All right, let's go.
- No, no.
- He's lost
his partner in crime.
We used to do everything
together.
And, you know,
that... you know, that is over.
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
It's life,
and we're either gonna
all get through it together,
or we're not.
Whoo!
♪ ♪
- Where's the tuna tartar?
Can you get it
out of the fridge?
- Yeah.
- Not that anybody ever eats
anything when they come to me.
What's the point?
Might as well just
put a glass of water on here.
After all this hullaballoo,
finally, we've got
these miniature horses.
Can you bring this out?
- Yeah.
- Even though I did it,
you can pretend you did it.
Everybody's heard so much
about the travesty,
so I actually want to say,
"Yes, we're successful.
They're here."
- [laughs]
- Hello.
- Hi!
- You look gorgeous.
- You're very sweet.
Look at you.
- Oh, I'm a slob.
- You look gorgeous.
This is your slob.
Look at you with your little...
- Yeah.
Oh my God, you have no idea.
After our pony expedition...
You've got to see these guys.
I'm not gonna show you just yet.
- I can't even.
I'm still speechless.
- You're not allowed
to go anywhere.
You're just gonna sit here.
- Oh, what?
If anyone should see them alone,
I should see them.
Like, I feel a sense
of entitlement here,
and she's keeping me from it.
She's being such a bitch.
Hi, birthday boy!
- Oh this has been
a long birthday, believe me.
- I know it has. Look at you.
How are you? Muah.
- Oh, my goodness,
you're out and walking around?
- Hi, Kyle!
- Hello.
- Hi!
- How are you, darling?
- One of the swans
is out walking around,
looking so cute...
- Look how cute you look!
- Thank you.
- I look like a slob.
How are you?
- Finally, I get to see
these mini horses.
I'm expecting them to be
a unicorn with wings
or something, at this point.
I mean, that actually
wouldn't surprise me.
- Bye, girls.
I'll see you later.
Don't... do anything
to my ponies.
- Like what?
- Where are they?
- Anything, you know?
They're, you know...
- They're upstairs
in my bedroom.
- I already have a job for them.
- I don't like people
stroking them or anything.
- Where's bloody... where is she,
for God's sake... Eileen?
- I think she's running late.
- She's at work.
- She had to work.
- Oh, that four-letter word
again?
- I know,
that job gets in the way.
What's going on?
- Work, kids.
- Reach your sister?
No? Sister, no?
- No, I have not.
- She trashed me
on "Entertainment Tonight."
- I heard.
Isn't there anything else
these women can talk to me
about other than my sister Kim?
If I knew something
was bothering someone so much,
I wouldn't ask about it
every flipping time I saw them.
- Why would she do that?
- What'd she say?
- She said I was phony.
I don't know.
I thought I was supportive,
but whatever.
I don't understand a lot of
what Kim does, but that's fine.
I suppose some people
trash other people
because they don't want
to be the headline, right?
- What?
- I don't know, I just know...
- It doesn't matter.
- I did see the clip of that.
- Yeah.
I know I tried to be supportive.
I tweeted back @KimRichards,
well...
- Today you did?
- Yeah, I tweeted back...
You know me.
I'm gonna deal with it head-on.
I just said, "Well, I... calling...
"you know, I've always
been supportive of you.
If you call that 'phony, '
I guess I am, honey."
But whatever... it's been
an annoying day, seeing that,
and that going everywhere.
- What happened?
She's out doing press and...
- Yeah, I actually recorded
the movie she was in,
but I didn't actually
see it yet, so, but...
- The movie?
- Well, "Sharknado 3."
She's in that movie. - Right.
- Maybe she's embarrassed
of the fact
that she did "Sharknado 3."
- Kim, would you do anything
for a buck?
Where do you stand
with Lisa Rinna's...?
- No, I don't do anything
for a buck.
You can't take those cars!
I'm gonna lose my job!
[dramatic music]
Aah!
- I mean, really, why would you
go after Lisa Vanderpump?
- It's better than being called
a "See You Next Tuesday."
A "See You Next Tuesday"
by Brandi.
I mean, they're both having
their moments, so whatever.
[tense music]
- Coming up...
- Oh, here's Eileen.
- I don't...
Let's change the subject.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Oh, I so don't believe that.
- Let's go see the ponies.
Where are they?
- They're upstairs
in my bedroom right now.
- Are they really
up there? You...
- Why would they be
in my bathroom
when I've got a big garden?
Don't be so ridiculous.
Of course they're in the garden.
- Oh, I knew it.
- I'm waiting for... Eileen.
- [sighs]
- I was going
through Instagram today,
and I was seeing pictures
of Yolanda,
and they're in Vancouver...
- Where is she?
I can't figure out...
- Islands.
- So is she feeling better?
Is she better now? I'm confused.
- Well, I'm just gonna show you,
because she looks like
she's having a fine time.
'Cause I looked at it,
and I went,
"Oh my God, it looks like..."
- Was this on Instagram?
- Do you think
it's the teeth coming out?
- It is surprising
to see Yolanda
having such a good time,
because the last time
I had seen her, with Eileen,
she was very, very sick.
- We've missed you.
- I'm still in the same place.
It is what it is... I'm not moving
from here until I get well.
- She could only talk to us
for 45 minutes,
and had to go back to bed.
How is she, like, on a boat?
- So maybe taking
her fillings out?
- Maybe. I mean, she seems...
I mean, I don't know.
I'm not with her.
- Well, it's hard to understand.
I don't understand.
- Well, I just want to know
why the pictures, you know?
Why... I would like to know more
of what her... what's her message?
What does she want?
What does she need?
- What do you mean,
the pictures?
- Well, like the hardcore
pictures of, you know,
hyperbaric chamber and
the, you know, needles and...
I feel that Yolanda's posts
on Instagram
can be confusing,
because one minute,
she's in a hospital bed
with needles in her arm,
and then another post,
not long after,
she's on a yacht looking
like she's having a great time.
It's confusing.
- Why does she feel the need
to post it on social media?
That's what...
- Why?
- I don't know... we...
- People ask me that question,
and I don't know
how to answer that.
- I know.
People ask me that all the time.
- They ask me all the time.
- All... I understand that.
- Yeah.
- A lot of people...
- Are they asking you?
- No, yeah, they do.
- They really... I mean,
let's be honest about it.
We're kind of
all talking around it...
- And it... yeah, yeah, no.
I know.
- Yeah, I understand.
- And I don't feel comfortable...
- But we'd all handle it
differently, wouldn't we?
- I know... so, in a way,
I feel guilty and weird,
because I'm talking
about it with people,
and they're coming up to me,
and they're questioning it.
And there's people in Malibu
and, you know,
it's kind of a small town.
And I just go,
"Ooh, this is so awkward.
Help me. I don't know what..."
you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Sometimes,
Lisa can think something,
and can't help but just say it.
Now may be a good time
to keep those big lips closed.
- I'm just wondering,
'cause this is what I do.
Okay, so I'm just
gonna read you something.
- Go ahead.
- "True Munchausen syndrome
fits within the subclass
"of factitious disorder,
and predominantly
"physical signs and symptoms.
"But they also have a history
of recurrent hospitalization,
"traveling, and dramatic,
extremely improbable tales
"of their past experiences.
[dramatic music]
"Munchausen syndrome has been
renamed factitious disorder,
"wherein those affected
feign disease, illness,
"or psychological trauma
to draw attention, sympathy,
"or reassurance to themselves.
It's related to Munchausen by
proxy," which is a whole...
- I... that's what I was just
gonna say,
I've heard
of Munchausen by proxy.
- Okay. Well, Munchausen is...
And I want to cry
to even say this out loud...
But it's something
that people could create
if they might not be sick,
but they make themselves sick.
♪ ♪
- I had not heard the word
"Munchausen's"
until Lisa Rinna brought it up.
I mean, that's a serious word.
Her symptoms seem to match
a lot of things,
which is why it's confusing.
- A lot of things.
- It could... it mimics...
Whatever it is,
it has mimicked Lyme disease.
It's... it can be that.
It's like so many
different things...
- Lyme disease is so ambiguous
as well, isn't it, really?
- You know, there's like...
It's like her symptoms
and what she's going through...
It's a very big umbrella
of things that...
- Of things that it could be.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I just...
I feel like I have to just
purge myself of the fact
that I even question it,
and I even go, "Is this real?"
- Yeah... oh, here's Eileen.
Hi! I don't...
Let's change the subject.
- Hello! You look so pretty!
- Thank you so much. Hi, honey.
- Hi, honey.
- How was work?
- You look pretty.
I'm such a slob.
- Muah,
I just came from the set.
- You look so pretty.
- Thank you so much.
It's working, you know?
- You okay?
- Is everything okay?
What's happened?
- Nothing, it's fine.
- Nothing.
- Did I miss something?
- You're here.
We're here to...
- Hello.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Oh, I so don't believe that.
Are you kidding me?
I can tell something's
happening,
because it's in the air.
Please tell... I can't take it.
- Okay, let... I just... all right.
- Ugh.
- Now, just give me
a very abridged version here.
- All right. Yolanda.
- Right.
- Tuna tartar?
- No, thank you.
What's happening?
- I just was really honest
just about people questioning
and coming up to me and asking
questions about Yolanda.
- In what way?
- Not believing her,
and not... you know,
seeing her photos that she posts
on Instagram, and...
- Questioning her.
- Questioning her.
Not that I don't believe
in her, but...
- But you question her?
- I don't know.
- Or you were talking
to somebody about it?
- I talked to somebody about it,
and I engaged.
- Uh-huh.
- And I just
feel sháááy about it.
You can't help being human...
Not to question, if other people
are constantly questioning
and talking.
It's just part of being human.
- Are you worried about her?
- Yeah, but I've engaged
with people
that don't necessarily believe...
- Yeah,
but they're probably people
that don't even hardly know her.
- You're confused.
- I feel like
I didn't have her back.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, just know that
when the time's right,
you'll go talk to her about it.
- 'Cause I feel like I need to.
It's just that feeling of,
"I shouldn't be
talking to you about it.
"I should... I should be
talking to her and saying,
"'You know what, Yolanda,
I got to
come clean about this.'"
- I don't think I would tell
her anything right now.
I really wouldn't.
To get involved in gossip
about Yolanda's illness...
There's no upside
to actually getting involved
in this conversation.
This is gonna explode.
[dramatic music]
- Coming up...
- Can I ride it?
- Look, wait, look, wait.
- I want to ride it.
- Okay, wait.
- Let's go see the ponies.
- All right.
- Let's go.
- This way.
- All right.
- [gasps]
No, I can't even take it.
- No... stop the madness.
- Excuse me.
- I want them both.
- Oh, they're gorgeous.
- Oh, no.
- Don't run.
- Come over here right now.
Is this one friendly...
- We're... out love is...
Our love is frightening them.
- They're very friendly,
very friendly.
- To be honest,
this has been so built up,
I was thinking the horses
were gonna be this big.
[laughs]
Can I have a kiss?
[smooches]
I don't even have a carrot.
- This is what we imagined
all along in my head too.
Like, that's a horse.
I don't think
the other was a horse.
These are the real deal
little miniature horses,
not little pot-bellied donkeys
with dodgy legs from Ohio.
I'm going to hell...
Straight to it.
- Can I ride it? [laughs]
- Can I ride it?
Look, wait, look, wait.
- I want to ride it.
Trying to get...
- Okay, wait,
that's just insane.
Little horses, little horses,
please come love me.
[laughs]
I want to be your friend. Ugh.
- [crying] Oh, my God.
- Kyle, I feel terrible.
- Don't.
- I need to get over myself now.
It's all about me, and I got to
get over it, right?
- Stop.
- All right.
- Don't beat yourself up.
Come on.
- All right.
- I think this conversation
with Lisa Rinna
kind of put us all
in a bad situation.
I don't want to be around
when Yolanda hears
about this conversation.
I mean, you can't take it back.
Oh, my gosh,
those horses are so cute!
- Next time on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...
- Come on, Hanky.
- Oh, he bit me.
- He didn't.
- He did.
- Hanky's got
a stomach infection,
but they're not sure
whether he's going to make it.
No, don't bite.
- Get it all.
Make sure you get all that.
Clean as a whistle.
- Okay.
- How do you know each other?
- Our husbands were friends.
- Ah.
My first impression of Erika
was that she looks
a little bit like
the kind of Barbie
I used to play with
when I was a little girl.
- My husband's 76.
- And what's he like
in the sack?
- People are saying that they
don't know really what it is,
or they're not sure
if it's for real, whatever.
- Eileen, shut up.
No. Zip it. Zip, zip.
- I can't even.
I just want you guys
to make sure
that you take care
of my mommy, okay?
- Why are you talking
about that right now?
- I don't know why we're talking
about the surgery
like something's gonna happen.
[dramatic music]
- To learn more
about the housewives,
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...
- Oh look at that.
It's a pony with a tutu!
- Oh!
- No, no, no, look.
She's picking up her foot, see?
I'm starting to see
that she looks lame,
and I'm thinking,
"Is it the gravel?
Is it her shoes? What is it?"
- I've got a little window
to write this.
- I'm sorry. Just wait a second.
But you realize
I've got a little coffee high.
- I'll devote some time,
but right now, I need to...
This is... this is
my prime time, okay?
Cut the coffee.
I got ten minutes to write this.
Please, don't distract me
right now, please...
- Too late.
- I want to make sure
the jury likes me today.
- Every day.
By day, I'm Erika Girardi,
married to Tom Girardi.
But by night,
I'm something else.
- Pat the puss,
pat the puss, pat the puss.
Drop it down, bounce.
- Dad, we love you, and...
not gonna be sad here.
- Vincent's father,
Dick Van Patten,
passed away very recently.
I'm kind of sad.
- No, because he wants us
to be happy.
- I am so, like,
confused about this whole thing.
It seems strange to me
that she's like,
happy selfie,
sick selfie.
- Yolanda is so desperate
that it's like you're just
stabbing in the dark
at this point,
like you'll do anything.
- Just, it seems like there's
a lot of back and forth,
and I don't understand.
[upbeat music]
- My lips were made for talking,
and that's just what they'll do.
- In Beverly Hills,
you can be anything,
but it's most important
to be yourself.
- I'm an enigma
wrapped in a riddle and cash.
- I may be an actress,
but that doesn't mean
I'll stick to your script.
- Fake friends
believe in rumors.
Real friends believe in you.
- I'm passionate about dogs,
just not crazy about bitches.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Here they are.
Be careful with Giggy,
'cause I don't know how...
Oh my God,
I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Tina?
- Lisa.
- Oh, I love you.
- It's the traveling stable.
- How you doing?
- Oh my God, I can't believe...
Okay, I'm really scared
to see her.
After the fiasco in Ohio,
I was just kind of devastated,
because I really wanted to buy
this little miniature horse
for Ken's birthday.
Now I'm here,
I notice that she looks
like she's lame
in her right leg.
My friend Hank heard how upset
we were that we were let down.
He heard of a little horse farm
in Texas,
and he made it his mission
to try and get me a little horse
just in time
for Ken's actual birthday.
How is she? - She's fine.
Let's... let's look around
on the other side
and take a peek in there
and say hello to Tina.
You ready, Houston?
Okay, you ready?
- You brought the baby as well?
[playful music]
♪ ♪
- [chuckles]
- My God.
- You ready? You're on this end.
You're on this end, yes.
- Oh, my God, what did you do?
♪ ♪
- There you go.
♪ ♪
- Oh, you're so beautiful.
- [laughs]
- What did you do, Tina?
You got two of them?
Are they both for me?
You think I should have two?
How are you?
- Well, it made the...
Oh, it made them so much calmer
in the plane.
- Oh my God.
- Do you love them?
[laughs]
- Ken is gonna
flip his fáááing...
[laughter]
I'm gobsmacked.
I'm really lost for words.
I cannot believe that
she has not only picked up
this little horse,
but a baby as well.
What about this one?
Are they related?
- No.
- This one's not gonna turn
into a horse, is it...
Like a big horse?
- No, no, no, no, it won't get
any bigger than this one.
- I mean, I can't say no,
and I actually think
it's a better idea to have two,
to keep each other company,
suddenly.
We've got to go, because Ken's
gonna be here at 3:15 exactly.
So, do you think we can
take them in here like this?
- Yes, let's take her.
- Of course.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna cry.
It's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
So I have eight swans, seven
dogs, and two mini horses...
And not forgetting my little
seven-year-old pot-bellied pig.
No poo-poo here. Come on.
Good girl.
Oh, I love her.
They're so calm, aren't they?
[pony neighs]
Yeah, welcome home.
It may seem odd for some people,
to have horses
walk through your house.
This is where you're gonna live.
But now they're our pets.
They're part of our family,
and they have a right to be
in the house as much as we do.
Tina, you're in so much trouble.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[line trilling]
- Hello?
- Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
- Hey, good.
- What are you doing?
- Oh. [chuckles]
Oh, just sitting here
looking out the window.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- No, I...
There's a lot going on here
in this joint, without a doubt.
- I can't spend any time
with Tom during the work day.
Are we still on
for dinner tonight?
- Yes, for sure.
- We talk briefly about four
or five times during the day,
but there is no
"come down to the office."
There's... there's no time.
It's... it's law first.
Do you want me to pick you up,
or do you want
me to meet you there?
- You know what? I think maybe
I just meet you there,
because I think I have a
meeting down on the west side.
- Okay, I'll see you 7:00
at Medeo.
- Okay, sounds great.
- All right, honey. Bye-bye.
- Thanks, kitten.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.
- I'm just as busy as Tom is,
'cause Erika Jayne's out
doing her thing.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Hey.
- Hey, boo.
- What are you doing?
- Talking about you.
- All right. [chuckles]
- Hey.
- Tom has never been
anything other than supportive
of Erika Jayne.
He's never told me,
"Hey, don't say that.
Hey, don't wear that.
You can't do that."
Nice to see you. - You too...
- Hey, how are you?
Hi, gorgeous.
- Hi, baby.
Good to see you. Muah.
Oh, good...
- Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Is this the red one?
But at the same time,
I've never told him anything
about his law business either.
You know,
so I think it's a balance.
I love the compression catsuit,
because it just... you know what,
you can do anything in it,
and everything
looks good all the time...
- Yeah,
it holds it all together.
- Yeah, of course, 100%.
- Yup, let's do it.
- Okay.
- Let's get it on you
and see how you feel.
- All right.
If Tom had to choose
between Erika Jayne
and Erika Girardi,
I think he would choose
Erika Girardi.
But Erika Jayne on the weekends.
She's a good time.
Ooh. [laughs]
- Almost.
- Get my fat ass
into this thing.
Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
- Whoo.
- Hold on. Just hold on one sec.
- It's pretty.
- That's great...
- So then...
- Yeah.
- So, there you go.
- There's your girl.
- There she is.
- Yeah.
- Eat a dick.
- Drop it down.
Right, eat a dick.
- Isn't that gonna be great?
- Uh-huh.
- It's gonna be amazing.
I like the red.
- Oh, I'm up! Look...
- The red's fabulous.
- Yeah, the red's so good...
- And it's so yours.
- I like being Erika Jayne
because as Erika Jayne
I can do anything I want.
Ugh.
I feel like that fat cat
in that YouTube video,
that can't get through the door
in the little... Jesus,
Marco... fááá.
I mean, I'm sassy. I'm bratty.
I'm pushing it
in everybody's face.
- What are you thinking?
- I think the red is snatchy.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's more ááááy.
- Mm-hmm.
- I bet everybody wishes
they could be Erika Jayne.
I think every woman
has a little bit of Erika Jayne
inside of her.
She's just dying to get out.
Bye, guys. - Bye, babe.
- Bye, love you.
[upbeat music]
♪♪♪
- I'm looking for my husband,
Vince Van Patten.
- Okay, I think we just
sat him a few moments ago.
If you just go right out
these doors and on to the back.
- Okay. Oh, thank you so much.
- Enjoy.
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
- Hey, stranger.
- How are you doing?
You look great.
- Oh, I feel like
I haven't seen you forever.
- Honey, you got...
You got holes in your pants.
- Oh, very funny.
- You know,
there's rips and holes.
- Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.
The day-to-day dynamic
for Vinnie and me is that,
some days, we don't even know
if we're gonna see each other.
I feel like I have literally not
seen you in a really long time.
- Yeah, it's been 24 hours.
- Has not. It's been three days.
Sometimes I'm working.
Sometimes he's working.
Sometimes we're both working.
Sometimes we're both at home.
We've kind of gotten used to it,
and... every day's
a new adventure.
So, what did you do in Del Mar?
Was it hard being there
without your dad?
I know that's where
you guys always went.
- Yeah, it was, it was tough.
- Yeah?
- And it was also great,
because he loved that place.
And you know what?
He had great joy there,
so it was... it was fine.
It was fine.
- For years and years
and years and years,
Dickie Van Patten went to
the track
with all of his
friends and family.
It has a very,
very special place
in all the Van Pattens' hearts.
- Went to the track, didn't bet
any of the races except for...
Like, bet real small
until I liked a race.
And lo and behold,
it was like my father
was helping me win or whatever.
- No way.
- Winner after winner
after winner.
- No, you did not.
- It was like one
of those stupid days.
- No way,
you never win at the track.
- I know, I know, I don't.
- No, wait. You did?
- I did win.
- Dickie's saying was,
"Tennis in the morning,
poker in the evening,
racing in the afternoon."
And that's actually gonna
be on his headstone.
How much did you win?
- Like, a lot, 600 bucks.
- Really?
So you gonna buy dinner tonight?
- Of course.
- You seriously won 600 bucks?
- Yeah, we did, yeah.
- That's so exciting.
- Yeah.
- How come I wasn't there?
- Don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are we?
- Good.
- Good, how you doing?
- Okay, I already
know what I want.
I'm gonna get whatever
your driest white wine is.
- Okay, you got it.
- And I'm gonna
have the halibut.
- How is the Moroccan chicken?
- The Moroccan chicken's
awesome.
- Awesome.
- It's awesome...
- Is it... is it better
than the halibut?
- I have a really good idea.
You guys can split the halibut
and then split
the Moroccan chicken.
- Okay. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- She's nice.
- She's like the cutest girl
in the world... it's our waitress.
Like, the cutest girl
in the world.
By the way, I'm sorry
I was a little bitchy to you
on the phone this morning.
Sorry about that. - Well.
- It's like I feel like I'm, you
know, scheduling the childcare,
and I've got every...
I'm working.
You're out of town.
You say you're gonna be home
at a certain hour,
so I get childcare
for that period of time.
Then you go,
"Well, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna go do this."
I'm like, you can't do that.
Everything is a domino effect.
Sometimes I just feel
like you have all this freedom,
and that I'm always having to,
like, regiment everything.
- You don't attack me
early in the morning.
[tense music]
- It wasn't an attack...
- At 6:00, when I wake up...
- I didn't attack you.
- You sort of did.
- I wasn't attacking.
See, that's the funny thing
between men and women.
To me, I'm expressing myself.
He sees it as an attack.
- Hey, I don't blame you...
- And by the way,
I texted you right away,
and I said, "I'm sorry
I was snapping at you."
- I appreciate that, but...
- Can you understand
my point of view, though,
why it would feel that way?
Like, "Oh, I'm just gonna
go do this now.
I'm gonna go to the beach."
- But we should not talk about
anything that's...
Anything until 9:00-ish.
♪ ♪
- I can't agree to that.
I can't look at the clock
and go, "Okay,
it's almost 9:00."
- No, because you...
- "Now I can get mad at him."
I mean, I can't do that.
- No, because you're an idiot.
You have your coffee, and
you're like foaming at the bit...
[gibberish]
And then, next thing you know,
you're attacking.
- Actually, you just
pissed me off when you said
you were gonna go
to the beach then.
I'm like, "You can't
go to the beach.
You've got to take care
of Jesse."
- My point exactly.
We've got to just...
We got to... anyways...
- I had to tell you
at that moment.
You want me to wait...
You want me to wait till 9:00?
- Nothing controversial
till 9:00.
- Sometimes, I feel like Vince
doesn't always appreciate
everything I do for the family.
If something changes,
I immediately let him know,
so that we can all be
on the same page.
What's gonna happen here?
Who's gonna get that?
If something changes for him,
it just changes for him.
Anyway, can you just say,
"Okay, I accept your apology?"
Can we move on?
- I do.
- Coming up...
- What bear's gonna come
inside the house?
- They've already been
inside the house...
- It already has.
- What?
- It ripped down the door.
- [gasps]
♪ ♪
- Hi.
- How are you girls?
- Hi.
- Good, how are you?
- Good, thank you.
Are you ready to order?
- Can I have the kale salad,
please?
- Can I please have
the chicken Dijon sandwich?
- And may I have the
Il Tram chopped salad, please?
- All right, coming up.
- Thank you.
- So tell me,
are you excited for Canada?
- Yeah, I'm excited.
- I get to come up for a chunk,
'cause I have to work.
We go to Canada every summer...
A place where Harry has gone
since he was just a little boy.
And you know, it's a huge place.
And it's gorgeous,
and it's a great way
to get out of Los Angeles,
get the kids in
a natural environment.
It's like their camp.
You know, all the East-Coasters
send their kids to camp.
We kind of have our own camp.
- I just, like,
a thing about Canada is,
I get really excited to go.
And then, like,
when I'm, like, halfway,
like, like, in the trip,
I start to get really homesick,
and then start to, like, wish
the days would go by faster.
- Uh, I know.
I wouldn't say my kids
are too spoiled.
Are they a little spoiled?
Absolutely. They're teenagers.
That's what we're dealing with.
How Kyle has done it with four...
That's a lot.
It ain't for sissies.
[upbeat music]
- I want Sophia to go first.
- I don't want Sophia
to go first.
- I'll go second. I'm scary.
[gasps]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Nice to see you again.
- You too, welcome back.
- Thank you.
I brought another daughter
this time.
- And how are your ears?
Oh, I see one's missing.
- Exactly.
That's one of the reasons
we're here.
- Okay.
- She wants to...
She wants to add
one more piercing there.
- Yeah, and...
- Okay, good.
- I guess I can be
a little uptight of a mom.
I am worried all the time.
They have to check in
all the time.
You know, they have to be
in bed at a certain time.
There are curfews,
and they're certainly not gonna
be driving a car at 13.
- Oh, my God.
- You want to sit on my lap,
all 5'10" of you?
- Mom, hold my... Mom.
- I got to put the ice on, okay?
Then don't touch it.
- Portia, why don't...
Why don't you go take a walk?
- Sophia's gonna be scary.
- Go take a walk.
- You know how Sophia gets.
- Okay, okay, ready.
- It's perfectly fine...
- I'm not doing it! I'm sorry!
- Okay, okay.
- [crying]
Mom, now you're making...
- I'm not mad.
- Okay, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Lean on her shoulder.
- Okay, go.
- How about Mom sits on her lap,
so that she...
- I don't... don't...
- How about I sit on your lap?
- Okay.
- Teenage daughters are
very good at manipulating,
especially Sophia.
She's a master.
- No, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready yet.
- I just have to be near you.
I'm not gonna do it.
- Okay, no, don't do that!
I can see you going
towards my ear...
- No, I'm gonna set my thing
right on your shoulder.
- I'm so scared right now.
I'm ready... aah!
- All right, she's ready.
Do it, do it, do it, do it.
[Sophia screaming]
- Perfect.
- Ow, ow! Ow! Ow!
- Put the ice back on it.
- It doesn't hurt that much.
It's not that bad.
- I don't want
to do the next one yet.
- Okay.
- I'm really freaked out.
- No, it's over.
It's over, you did it.
It's over, it's over, it's over.
Lisa and I are both
going through this stage
with our daughters,
especially Sophia and Amelia,
where sometimes they can
get a little sassy.
- Says about fears.
- Did you just touch my face?
- I just touched...
- You gonna do it again?
- I just did it twice.
Couldn't help myself.
They are just
all over the place.
Their frontal lobes
are not developed.
- Oh, my God! It really hurt.
- No, it did not.
Sophia, you know it didn't.
- I'm kind of jealous
that you're not gonna be
in Canada the whole time.
I'm just a little bit jealous.
Like...
- We could've stayed...
We could've stayed alone
in our cabin.
- Oh, right.
- We could've stayed alone.
- What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Tell me. - What's gonna get us?
- I'll tell you what...
A bear, a raccoon.
- You'd be scared to death.
I stayed there one night
by myself.
I was scared to death.
- Am I... am I you? I think
I'm a lot braver than you...
- Yeah, but we're together.
- You know what? I don't even
listen to them anymore.
I really don't. It's like this:
"La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la."
- What bear is gonna come
inside the house?
- They've already been
inside the house.
- It already has.
- What?
- It ripped down the door.
- And it ate
our refrigerator, remember?
- And then it ate our...
Ate our refrigerator.
- [gasps]
- Sophia...[whining] I'm scared.
- Okay, I did it...
- What... do you want to go
in front with her?
- You've got this. I can tell.
Give me a hug, and we'll go.
- Look at...
You have to look at her face.
- Look, we're all
surrounding you now.
Okay, no more talking.
Let her go.
- Ready?
- Okay, don't look at me.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm!
- You've got it.
You're almost there.
It's almost done.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's just an earring.
- When Portia was born,
she stopped breathing
for a minute.
After they took care of Portia
and everything was fine,
they said to me, "Just so you
know, she's just a drama queen."
- We're gonna be like,
"Whoo-hoo!"
- I can't.
- What, You can't?
Okay, then don't... then don't.
- All right.
- And here she is,
seven years later,
and we still call her
a drama queen.
What can I say?
- Okay.
- All right, well,
you got really close.
You should be proud of that,
okay?
So next time
you'll do it, all right?
- [whines]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hi, darling.
- Hey, babe.
[car door shuts]
♪ ♪
- Darling.
- Yeah?
- Quick, come here.
There's a Skype call.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- I'm coming.
- There's a Skype call, 3:15.
- You missed it?
- No.
- Huh?
- Do you love me?
- I do.
- Happy birthday.
Hank and Tina are here.
- Oh, are they?
- Yeah, and Houston.
Oh, my God,
Ken is gonna lose his mind
when he sees two horses.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
- Aren't they the most beautiful
things in the whole world?
It's your birthday present.
- I-I'm like...
- You're speechless. [laughs]
- One was bad enough.
Now there's two.
- I just want him
to fall in love with them.
They are so cute,
and they belong with us.
They're part of our family.
We just need a couple
of pairs of Maloof Hoofs,
and we'll be good to go.
No, she is fully...
- How old is this one?
- That's only a few months...
Gonna be the same size as her.
This is fully grown... - It's...
Is it... does it belong to her?
- No.
- Now, this one's only
a year and a half.
- Don't you love them?
- They're beautiful.
There's one problem I see.
It's extra work for me.
I can see me doing the mucking
out now.
Sháá, sháá, sháá, everywhere.
- I knew nothing about the one,
till I opened the back of the
car and nearly wet myself.
- Yeah.
- I nearly had kittens.
- She's... she kind of
gave me a dirty look.
It wasn't really
a nice surprise...
- I was like, "Are
you kidding me?"
She kind of turned it
right back on me.
What do you think?
- Oh, just, I'm...
I'm blown away, actually.
- I brought feed for you,
and I brought some hay...
Just a little bit
of oats, water...
- You need your oats
as well tonight,
'cause it's your birthday.
[laughter]
- Make sure I get those.
- I wanted to get Ken something
that would take his breath away.
And I think, looking at him now,
he is just speechless.
Mission accomplished.
- Oh, she's finally peeing.
That's great.
- My God,
she's much smaller now.
[laughter]
- Coming up...
- She trashed me
on "Entertainment Tonight."
- I heard.
- She said I was phony.
I don't know.
I thought I was
supportive, but whatever.
♪ ♪
- Oh my God, I'm exhausted.
I didn't do anything,
and I'm exhausted.
[doorbell rings]
- What's up, Girardis?
- How are you?
- Hi, baby.
- How are you?
- Hi!
- Nice to see you!
- Erika's been
a great support system
these last nine months
when I was sick.
She's been visiting me with Tom.
And she's shown up, you know?
She's proven to me
that she cares.
Hope it's not too cold.
I have blankies if you're cold.
- No, it's great. [chuckles]
- This is not good, Tom.
Well, this is what happened.
The...
- Cork fell in.
- How'd you know that?
- Because I saw the look on
your face behind your glasses.
- Yeah, it went
all over my clothes and...
- She's way too quick.
See, she talks for you too.
Now after being locked up
in the condo
for so many months, it's just...
It's beautiful to come back
to the house in Malibu, there.
It's nice to just spend the day.
It's like a little vacation.
- Are you recording?
Are you releasing?
Are you touring?
What are you doing?
- Getting ready to... yes, I am.
I'm performing. We have...
- All of the above?
- All of the above.
We're performing
in Chicago next week.
- She works as hard as I do.
- Yeah, we're getting ready to
release two records right now.
- That great, though.
- I'm super excited.
I have to say, I'm really happy
to see Yolanda smiling
and feeling good.
I know it can be really sháááy
laying in a bed all day,
staring at the ceiling.
I'd love for you to listen
and give me your, you know.
- Yeah, well,
I'm not a dance expert, but...
- No, but you're
an incredible musician.
- Good is good.
- I would love to, you know,
get your opinion
on those things.
If it made Yolanda happy,
I would probably drive out
to Malibu three times a week,
but not more than that,
'cause the traffic's really bad.
- I have to go to Europe
on the 6th.
Bocelli's doing a...
it's his first foundation.
- Oh, really?
- Where is that?
- Where?
- Beautiful night...
- It's in Tuscany, yeah.
And this year, they're...
They have a special treat
that people are gonna get
to meet somebody that...
- The Pope.
- Really?
- I didn't say that.
- Is it the Pope?
- Yes, it's the Pope,
but it's a big surprise...
- Oh, my God, I'm such a witch!
- I know, but it's a surprise.
You can't talk...
- How do I always
know everything?
- You can't talk about it.
- You can't talk about it...
- Can't talk about it, baby.
- I want to go.
Here's the thing about Yolanda:
even though her brain
may be foggy,
she's still a quick bitch.
- I have another great idea.
Oh, my God, I'm having
so many great ideas lately.
What about if Erika does
a dance song on Friday night?
- No.
- That's not a bad idea at all.
- I have such a good idea...
- It's not a bad idea at all.
It's not a bad idea at all.
- How great... you do a song
with David on the Friday night.
- Oh, my God,
I couldn't perform for the Pope.
He's... I'd burn up in flames.
My show isn't
exactly conservative.
Madonna didn't perform
for the Pope. What the fááá?
You think Erika Jane's gonna
perform for the fáááing Pope?
This isn't a possibility. No.
It's so... I... you know,
I don't know
that this would be a good fit.
- You mean you and Bocelli?
- Yeah.
- But you can tone it down...
- Oh, no, no, it would.
- You know, Erika Jayne is
kind of like this ultra-sexy,
blown-out, you know,
fantasy figure.
There's no way
that Erika Jayne's lyrics
are appropriate to perform
with Andrea Bocelli.
[pop music playing]
♪ Treat me as your concubine ♪
♪ Everything you have is mine ♪
I don't think that's gonna work
for Andrea Bocelli.
- Can you just take the week
off when you want?
- No.
- No, but I can...
- There you go again.
- I move... I can move stuff,
you know.
- Okay, I need to discuss
this answering thing,
because I have the same problem.
- You're married
to a strong woman.
- Is that what it is?
- Yeah.
You're married to bossy.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Eager little beaver today.
How are you?
- Hi, boo-boo.
- How you doing?
- I'm good, how are you?
- Good.
- Can you say
"red leather, yellow leather"
three times in a row?
- Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
- Well, look at you.
You're like,
"Done and done, check."
- I've always been hesitant
about Portia being an actress,
but she's my first child
who has actually wanted to be,
and has come to me
and asked me to help her.
- So, space work
is one of the most important
things in an improv scene.
So, now what I want to do,
you can make up anything
you want, and I'll go with it.
- So, as a mom, you know,
I want to help her
make the right decision,
and help her follow her dreams.
- Okay.
- Okay,
so if an audience
were watching, they would be...
- I don't know
how to start something...
- Portia, come here one second...
One second.
When you're doing this,
will you do me a favor?
Will you not giggle
the whole time,
and play with your hair
and fidget?
I got into acting by default.
After my parents got divorced,
that was our source of income.
You have to concentrate.
You're the one
who wants to do this.
- I know.
- For Portia,
it wouldn't be her job.
So I would hope that,
if she does end
up going down this path,
that she just looks at it
as something that's fun.
- Tea, that's what I want
the subject to be.
[giggles]
- Yes, mum.
Would you like tea hot or cold?
- Hot.
- What about your accent?
- My accent... you're right.
Anyways.
- Growing up as a child actor
was a very positive experience.
I know that it doesn't always
work out like that.
- There's the kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, and that's
where they cook it.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
- I think that,
also, even my sister Kim
had a very different experience
than I did.
My mom used to say
that Kim felt more pressure.
- Do you do other accents
besides British?
- Let's hear your
British accent.
I know that a lot of people
blame Kim's battle
with addiction
on her being a child actor.
- Whoo!
- Love her.
- That's right.
- I saw... that's what...
- But I disagree.
I think people are just born
who they are.
I think you're either
predisposed to sort of
be troubled,
or have these issues or not.
Say, "Hello, Darling."
- Okay, okay. Okay.
Hello, darling.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- What's going on here?
- I'm making your packets.
Here's your...
- Okay, for... how many days
am I gonna be gone... ten days?
- I've got 12 days here.
- Our vacation
to Canada's coming up.
I'm looking forward to
just be with my husband,
to reconnect our souls
and the core of,
you know, our love.
- I'm making your baggies
for the ten days.
- If I just do my pills
for ten days,
you don't think that's enough?
I always said,
"If somebody tells me
"to swallow bark
for three months,
and have no food,
no water, just bark,"
I would do it.
- So, let's just give you
the packs and then, you know,
just have some fun.
- If I'm gonna lose this battle,
it's not because I wasn't
committed to a program.
I'm gonna go lay down
for a minute.
- Go lay down, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, iPad, iPad, iPad, iPad.
It's here.
[Skype ringing]
Ooh, that's them.
Maybe it's a phone call.
Sháá.
[phone ringing]
Hello? - Hello.
- I did... am I doing it?
How do I do it?
I hate technology, really.
If it could all go away,
I'd be happier,
'cause I think it's challenging.
But it's just the fact
that I'm not that smart.
I'd like to say I am,
but I'm not.
I'm not.
It's just not my wheelhouse.
Oh...
Oh, it's Harry Hamlin. Hello?
- Hello.
- I did it! We did it!
Hi! I'm trying to put it...
- The wonders of
modern technology.
- Show me the boat.
- I thought we'd never...
- Oh, I see.
You flipped the camera.
I'm not in Canada with my family
because I'm working on QVC,
and I'm going back and forth
working like a...
Working like a fiend.
I'm gonna say... no to this.
Chartreuse always makes me
a little nervous.
- I know you...
- And it should.
It should make me nervous.
I think what sets my line apart
is that I come to it
not as a celebrity.
I actually really do know
what I'm talking about,
which is, I know,
hard to believe, but it's true.
And I have my hands
in all of it.
Like, I okay everything.
I just love it.
You know, it's my passion.
- Can you see the girls?
Are you in?
- Hi, cute girls.
- Hi.
- Hi, we miss you.
Why aren't you here?
- I miss you too.
I'm here all by myself.
I'm lonely.
You know, Lorena
took the week off,
so it's just me and Lola.
I got to... I got to do it.
I got to keep those balls
up in the air, baby.
I got to keep juggling.
I got to keep it going,
got to keep it going.
So I do.
- Both: Love you.
- Bye.
- Muah, muah, muah, muah, muah!
- Coming up...
- True Munchausen syndrome,
wherein those affected
feign disease, illness,
or psychological trauma
to draw attention, sympathy,
or reassurance to themselves.
♪ ♪
- Hey, baby.
- I made you a nice cup
of Canadian coffee.
David and I,
we have this one little spot
that we go in Canada,
where there is nothing
and nobody, just nature.
Like mountains and water.
And just sit, hang out,
and just be us together.
- Do you think
we should walk today?
- I can't... can't, I...
You ask me this every day,
and every day I have to
say to you, "I can't."
- Gets hilarious.
- The minute I... you know,
David and I got married,
I, you know, I got sick.
Obviously, it has been
very taxing on my relationship.
- We're calling
it the Love Boat.
You paddle, I do nothing.
- Yeah.
- You know, David gets impatient
and, you know,
he's allowed to get impatient.
I mean, it's a tough deal
for him as well.
- Oh, don't push off yet.
I have no paddle.
- All right, let's go.
- No, no.
- He's lost
his partner in crime.
We used to do everything
together.
And, you know,
that... you know, that is over.
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
It's life,
and we're either gonna
all get through it together,
or we're not.
Whoo!
♪ ♪
- Where's the tuna tartar?
Can you get it
out of the fridge?
- Yeah.
- Not that anybody ever eats
anything when they come to me.
What's the point?
Might as well just
put a glass of water on here.
After all this hullaballoo,
finally, we've got
these miniature horses.
Can you bring this out?
- Yeah.
- Even though I did it,
you can pretend you did it.
Everybody's heard so much
about the travesty,
so I actually want to say,
"Yes, we're successful.
They're here."
- [laughs]
- Hello.
- Hi!
- You look gorgeous.
- You're very sweet.
Look at you.
- Oh, I'm a slob.
- You look gorgeous.
This is your slob.
Look at you with your little...
- Yeah.
Oh my God, you have no idea.
After our pony expedition...
You've got to see these guys.
I'm not gonna show you just yet.
- I can't even.
I'm still speechless.
- You're not allowed
to go anywhere.
You're just gonna sit here.
- Oh, what?
If anyone should see them alone,
I should see them.
Like, I feel a sense
of entitlement here,
and she's keeping me from it.
She's being such a bitch.
Hi, birthday boy!
- Oh this has been
a long birthday, believe me.
- I know it has. Look at you.
How are you? Muah.
- Oh, my goodness,
you're out and walking around?
- Hi, Kyle!
- Hello.
- Hi!
- How are you, darling?
- One of the swans
is out walking around,
looking so cute...
- Look how cute you look!
- Thank you.
- I look like a slob.
How are you?
- Finally, I get to see
these mini horses.
I'm expecting them to be
a unicorn with wings
or something, at this point.
I mean, that actually
wouldn't surprise me.
- Bye, girls.
I'll see you later.
Don't... do anything
to my ponies.
- Like what?
- Where are they?
- Anything, you know?
They're, you know...
- They're upstairs
in my bedroom.
- I already have a job for them.
- I don't like people
stroking them or anything.
- Where's bloody... where is she,
for God's sake... Eileen?
- I think she's running late.
- She's at work.
- She had to work.
- Oh, that four-letter word
again?
- I know,
that job gets in the way.
What's going on?
- Work, kids.
- Reach your sister?
No? Sister, no?
- No, I have not.
- She trashed me
on "Entertainment Tonight."
- I heard.
Isn't there anything else
these women can talk to me
about other than my sister Kim?
If I knew something
was bothering someone so much,
I wouldn't ask about it
every flipping time I saw them.
- Why would she do that?
- What'd she say?
- She said I was phony.
I don't know.
I thought I was supportive,
but whatever.
I don't understand a lot of
what Kim does, but that's fine.
I suppose some people
trash other people
because they don't want
to be the headline, right?
- What?
- I don't know, I just know...
- It doesn't matter.
- I did see the clip of that.
- Yeah.
I know I tried to be supportive.
I tweeted back @KimRichards,
well...
- Today you did?
- Yeah, I tweeted back...
You know me.
I'm gonna deal with it head-on.
I just said, "Well, I... calling...
"you know, I've always
been supportive of you.
If you call that 'phony, '
I guess I am, honey."
But whatever... it's been
an annoying day, seeing that,
and that going everywhere.
- What happened?
She's out doing press and...
- Yeah, I actually recorded
the movie she was in,
but I didn't actually
see it yet, so, but...
- The movie?
- Well, "Sharknado 3."
She's in that movie. - Right.
- Maybe she's embarrassed
of the fact
that she did "Sharknado 3."
- Kim, would you do anything
for a buck?
Where do you stand
with Lisa Rinna's...?
- No, I don't do anything
for a buck.
You can't take those cars!
I'm gonna lose my job!
[dramatic music]
Aah!
- I mean, really, why would you
go after Lisa Vanderpump?
- It's better than being called
a "See You Next Tuesday."
A "See You Next Tuesday"
by Brandi.
I mean, they're both having
their moments, so whatever.
[tense music]
- Coming up...
- Oh, here's Eileen.
- I don't...
Let's change the subject.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Oh, I so don't believe that.
- Let's go see the ponies.
Where are they?
- They're upstairs
in my bedroom right now.
- Are they really
up there? You...
- Why would they be
in my bathroom
when I've got a big garden?
Don't be so ridiculous.
Of course they're in the garden.
- Oh, I knew it.
- I'm waiting for... Eileen.
- [sighs]
- I was going
through Instagram today,
and I was seeing pictures
of Yolanda,
and they're in Vancouver...
- Where is she?
I can't figure out...
- Islands.
- So is she feeling better?
Is she better now? I'm confused.
- Well, I'm just gonna show you,
because she looks like
she's having a fine time.
'Cause I looked at it,
and I went,
"Oh my God, it looks like..."
- Was this on Instagram?
- Do you think
it's the teeth coming out?
- It is surprising
to see Yolanda
having such a good time,
because the last time
I had seen her, with Eileen,
she was very, very sick.
- We've missed you.
- I'm still in the same place.
It is what it is... I'm not moving
from here until I get well.
- She could only talk to us
for 45 minutes,
and had to go back to bed.
How is she, like, on a boat?
- So maybe taking
her fillings out?
- Maybe. I mean, she seems...
I mean, I don't know.
I'm not with her.
- Well, it's hard to understand.
I don't understand.
- Well, I just want to know
why the pictures, you know?
Why... I would like to know more
of what her... what's her message?
What does she want?
What does she need?
- What do you mean,
the pictures?
- Well, like the hardcore
pictures of, you know,
hyperbaric chamber and
the, you know, needles and...
I feel that Yolanda's posts
on Instagram
can be confusing,
because one minute,
she's in a hospital bed
with needles in her arm,
and then another post,
not long after,
she's on a yacht looking
like she's having a great time.
It's confusing.
- Why does she feel the need
to post it on social media?
That's what...
- Why?
- I don't know... we...
- People ask me that question,
and I don't know
how to answer that.
- I know.
People ask me that all the time.
- They ask me all the time.
- All... I understand that.
- Yeah.
- A lot of people...
- Are they asking you?
- No, yeah, they do.
- They really... I mean,
let's be honest about it.
We're kind of
all talking around it...
- And it... yeah, yeah, no.
I know.
- Yeah, I understand.
- And I don't feel comfortable...
- But we'd all handle it
differently, wouldn't we?
- I know... so, in a way,
I feel guilty and weird,
because I'm talking
about it with people,
and they're coming up to me,
and they're questioning it.
And there's people in Malibu
and, you know,
it's kind of a small town.
And I just go,
"Ooh, this is so awkward.
Help me. I don't know what..."
you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Sometimes,
Lisa can think something,
and can't help but just say it.
Now may be a good time
to keep those big lips closed.
- I'm just wondering,
'cause this is what I do.
Okay, so I'm just
gonna read you something.
- Go ahead.
- "True Munchausen syndrome
fits within the subclass
"of factitious disorder,
and predominantly
"physical signs and symptoms.
"But they also have a history
of recurrent hospitalization,
"traveling, and dramatic,
extremely improbable tales
"of their past experiences.
[dramatic music]
"Munchausen syndrome has been
renamed factitious disorder,
"wherein those affected
feign disease, illness,
"or psychological trauma
to draw attention, sympathy,
"or reassurance to themselves.
It's related to Munchausen by
proxy," which is a whole...
- I... that's what I was just
gonna say,
I've heard
of Munchausen by proxy.
- Okay. Well, Munchausen is...
And I want to cry
to even say this out loud...
But it's something
that people could create
if they might not be sick,
but they make themselves sick.
♪ ♪
- I had not heard the word
"Munchausen's"
until Lisa Rinna brought it up.
I mean, that's a serious word.
Her symptoms seem to match
a lot of things,
which is why it's confusing.
- A lot of things.
- It could... it mimics...
Whatever it is,
it has mimicked Lyme disease.
It's... it can be that.
It's like so many
different things...
- Lyme disease is so ambiguous
as well, isn't it, really?
- You know, there's like...
It's like her symptoms
and what she's going through...
It's a very big umbrella
of things that...
- Of things that it could be.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I just...
I feel like I have to just
purge myself of the fact
that I even question it,
and I even go, "Is this real?"
- Yeah... oh, here's Eileen.
Hi! I don't...
Let's change the subject.
- Hello! You look so pretty!
- Thank you so much. Hi, honey.
- Hi, honey.
- How was work?
- You look pretty.
I'm such a slob.
- Muah,
I just came from the set.
- You look so pretty.
- Thank you so much.
It's working, you know?
- You okay?
- Is everything okay?
What's happened?
- Nothing, it's fine.
- Nothing.
- Did I miss something?
- You're here.
We're here to...
- Hello.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Oh, I so don't believe that.
Are you kidding me?
I can tell something's
happening,
because it's in the air.
Please tell... I can't take it.
- Okay, let... I just... all right.
- Ugh.
- Now, just give me
a very abridged version here.
- All right. Yolanda.
- Right.
- Tuna tartar?
- No, thank you.
What's happening?
- I just was really honest
just about people questioning
and coming up to me and asking
questions about Yolanda.
- In what way?
- Not believing her,
and not... you know,
seeing her photos that she posts
on Instagram, and...
- Questioning her.
- Questioning her.
Not that I don't believe
in her, but...
- But you question her?
- I don't know.
- Or you were talking
to somebody about it?
- I talked to somebody about it,
and I engaged.
- Uh-huh.
- And I just
feel sháááy about it.
You can't help being human...
Not to question, if other people
are constantly questioning
and talking.
It's just part of being human.
- Are you worried about her?
- Yeah, but I've engaged
with people
that don't necessarily believe...
- Yeah,
but they're probably people
that don't even hardly know her.
- You're confused.
- I feel like
I didn't have her back.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, just know that
when the time's right,
you'll go talk to her about it.
- 'Cause I feel like I need to.
It's just that feeling of,
"I shouldn't be
talking to you about it.
"I should... I should be
talking to her and saying,
"'You know what, Yolanda,
I got to
come clean about this.'"
- I don't think I would tell
her anything right now.
I really wouldn't.
To get involved in gossip
about Yolanda's illness...
There's no upside
to actually getting involved
in this conversation.
This is gonna explode.
[dramatic music]
- Coming up...
- Can I ride it?
- Look, wait, look, wait.
- I want to ride it.
- Okay, wait.
- Let's go see the ponies.
- All right.
- Let's go.
- This way.
- All right.
- [gasps]
No, I can't even take it.
- No... stop the madness.
- Excuse me.
- I want them both.
- Oh, they're gorgeous.
- Oh, no.
- Don't run.
- Come over here right now.
Is this one friendly...
- We're... out love is...
Our love is frightening them.
- They're very friendly,
very friendly.
- To be honest,
this has been so built up,
I was thinking the horses
were gonna be this big.
[laughs]
Can I have a kiss?
[smooches]
I don't even have a carrot.
- This is what we imagined
all along in my head too.
Like, that's a horse.
I don't think
the other was a horse.
These are the real deal
little miniature horses,
not little pot-bellied donkeys
with dodgy legs from Ohio.
I'm going to hell...
Straight to it.
- Can I ride it? [laughs]
- Can I ride it?
Look, wait, look, wait.
- I want to ride it.
Trying to get...
- Okay, wait,
that's just insane.
Little horses, little horses,
please come love me.
[laughs]
I want to be your friend. Ugh.
- [crying] Oh, my God.
- Kyle, I feel terrible.
- Don't.
- I need to get over myself now.
It's all about me, and I got to
get over it, right?
- Stop.
- All right.
- Don't beat yourself up.
Come on.
- All right.
- I think this conversation
with Lisa Rinna
kind of put us all
in a bad situation.
I don't want to be around
when Yolanda hears
about this conversation.
I mean, you can't take it back.
Oh, my gosh,
those horses are so cute!
- Next time on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...
- Come on, Hanky.
- Oh, he bit me.
- He didn't.
- He did.
- Hanky's got
a stomach infection,
but they're not sure
whether he's going to make it.
No, don't bite.
- Get it all.
Make sure you get all that.
Clean as a whistle.
- Okay.
- How do you know each other?
- Our husbands were friends.
- Ah.
My first impression of Erika
was that she looks
a little bit like
the kind of Barbie
I used to play with
when I was a little girl.
- My husband's 76.
- And what's he like
in the sack?
- People are saying that they
don't know really what it is,
or they're not sure
if it's for real, whatever.
- Eileen, shut up.
No. Zip it. Zip, zip.
- I can't even.
I just want you guys
to make sure
that you take care
of my mommy, okay?
- Why are you talking
about that right now?
- I don't know why we're talking
about the surgery
like something's gonna happen.
[dramatic music]
- To learn more
about the housewives,