The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? - full transcript
It's a happy time for some of the housewives, as Yolanda celebrates her anniversary with David, Kim takes an exuberant ride in a racecar, and Carlton shops for racy lingerie with...her mother-in-law?! Brandi and Joyce avoid each other at a fitting for Kyle's upcoming fashion show, but they come face to face when Lisa invites them to a group dinner at Sur. Neither Brandi nor Joyce hold their feelings back and the night devolves into name-calling and the lobbing of "f-bombs."
- PREVIOUSLY, ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
ABOUT MODELING
IN THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
FASHION SHOW?
- IF YOU NEED MODELS.
- I DO.
- YEAH.
FOR SICK KIDS,
I'LL CRAWL ON THE FLOOR,
LICKING DUST UP
WITH A G-STRING ON.
DOESN'T MATTER.
- THIS REALLY
IS THE STAGING WALL.
I WANT A ROOM WHERE I CAN
PUT ON A SHOW FOR MY HUSBAND.
I LIKE TO PLAY.
I WANT TO KEEP MY MAN HAPPY.
[laughs] STOP IT. - [laughs]
- SO WE'RE GONNA GET THE DOG
WITH ME FOR A WEEK,
BONDING WITH A PACK OF DOGS.
- KINGSLEY'S MORE THAN A DOG.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
- WE CAN'T FIND CHICA.
- WHAT THE [bleep]
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CHICA! CHICA!
I AM A LITTLE PESSIMISTIC
WHEN IT COMES TO LOSS,
BUT I HAVE TO SHOW MY KIDS
THAT YOU JUST NEVER GIVE UP.
- I WAS SPEAKING TO KIM,
AND TO MY BABY.
- ARE YOU A BABY, OR A MAN?
[laughs]
- FOR SOME REASON,
I'M HER TARGET.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
- I DO THINK YOU HAVE TO DO
AN INTERVENTION
WITH BRANDI THOUGH.
- SHE GETS WASTED AND LONELY.
- SHE GETS LONELY AND DRUNK.
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE LEAD.
- YOU READY, MAMA?
WE'RE GONNA BUY YOU A THONG.
- [laughing] A THONG?
JUST IMAGINE ME IN A THONG.
WOW. - HELLO.
- HI.
- HI.
- WELCOME TO HUSTLER.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
- A THONG.
WE'RE THINKING SEQUINS.
- I WAS THINKING OF SHOES,
SHOES.
- I CAN SHOW YOU THINGS
YOU'VE NEVER EVEN IMAGINED.
- THANKS, THANKS.
- I LIKE TO DRESS UP FOR DAVID.
I HAVE A LITTLE CLOSET FULL
OF PERSONALITIES, I LIKE TO SAY.
SO WHILE I AM GETTING
MY BURLESQUE ROOM IN ORDER,
I DECIDED THAT I WANT TO CHOOSE
A FEW OUTFITS
TO ADD TO MY VAST COLLECTION.
- OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS.
IRIDESCENT BOOBIES.
[laughs] - FEEL THEM, MUM.
- OOH-HOO!
- I HAVE A VERY SILLY
RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MUM-IN-LAW.
WE CERTAINLY HAVE SOME FUNNY,
RAUNCHY CONVERSATIONS.
WE DON'T HOLD BACK.
- LOOK AT THIS ONE.
THAT'S PROBABLY
WHAT THEY CALL ME.
- SHE'S PULLED BABIES
OUT MY VAGINA.
IT'S NOT ODD.
NOW, THIS I COULD WEAR
AROUND A COUPLE OF THE GIRLS.
"[bleep] YOU VERY MUCH."
- I LIKE THE BACK OF THE SHIRT.
- I THINK IT'S PHALLIC.
- OKAY.
- MY FAVORITE WORD.
"I'D [bleep] ME TOO."
- YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
SAYING THAT WORD, SO...
- I DON'T THINK MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
REALLY HAD MET
SOMEBODY LIKE ME BEFORE.
DAVID WAS RAISED AS A CATHOLIC,
AND I'VE NEVER TRIED TO PUSH
WHAT I BELIEVE ON HIM,
BUT HE KNEW MY HEART WAS GOOD,
AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED,
NO MATTER MY FAITH.
WHAT DOES "D.T.F." MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DOES "D.T.F." STAND FOR?
- IT MEANS "DOWN TO [bleep]."
- OKAY.
- YES.
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- "DOWN TO [bleep]."
- THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR.
IT IS ONE OF OUR TOP SELLERS.
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
YOU GUYS DOING ALL RIGHT?
- I WAS ACTUALLY
GONNA COME FIND YOU. - OKAY.
- 'CAUSE I DEFINITELY WANT
TO TAKE AN EXTRA SMALL
IN THE BOTTOMS, AND THEN...
- OKAY.
THE TOPS ARE
A ONE-SIZE-FITS-MOST.
- OKAY, THEN.
SO I'LL TAKE THE ONE-SIZE-FITS...
- SO YOU'LL HAVE TO KIND OF
STRETCH AND ARRANGE THEM
TO KIND OF COVER
WHAT THEY NEED TO COVER, YES.
- MANEUVER?
AND DOUBLE-STICK TAPE?
- I FEEL LIKE THE... SOME
SIDE-BOOB IS NOT A BAD THING.
SIDE-BOOB IS THE NEW CLEAVAGE.
UNDER-BOOB TOO.
- REALLY? SEXY. I LIKE THAT.
- SOME GUYS LIKE THE LITTLE...
LIKE, THE CROP TOP
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF UNDER-BOOB.
- REALLY? I'M...
I'M OKAY WITH BOTH, SO...
- [laughs]
- SEE? EXACTLY, I TOLD YOU.
- I WANT TO TRY IT, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
- THANK YOU. DO YOU HAVE BLUE?
- WE HAVE THEM IN LEATHER.
- I LIKE THE LEATHER ONES.
EVERYTHING'S LEATHER NOW.
- YOU'RE PUSHING LEATHER, BABY?
- MY MOM AND CARLTON HAVE
A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
THEY'RE VERY OPEN
WITH EACH OTHER.
THEY SPEAK THEIR MIND
VERY FREELY,
AND SO HER GOING WITH CARLTON
TO HUSTLER,
AND PICKIN' OUT BIKINIS,
IT'S... IT'S KIND OF WHAT WE DO.
WOW. - WHOA.
- PRETTY HOT.
- UH, THINK IT'S
A LITTLE REVEALING.
- WHERE'S IT REVEALING?
- NOT TO ME, IT'S NOT.
- REVEALING WHERE?
- IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT...
- NO?
- I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD.
- IT'S REALLY TINY, THIS ONE.
- IT IS TINY, AND IT'S NOT
REALLY FLATTERING ON MY ASS.
- IT JUST ABOUT COVERS
HER CRACK.
OOH! [laughs]
[laughter]
IT'S A LITTLE REVEALING.
SHE GOES IN THE MALL, AND SHE'S
DOING THE LAP DANCE ON MY LEG.
I MEAN, SHE ALWAYS
CARRIES ON WITH ME.
IS THAT WHAT YOU
WOULD LIKE HER TO WEAR?
- I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH HER SHOWING HER BODY OFF.
- OKAY. IF YOU'RE GOOD WITH IT,
I'M GOOD WITH IT.
- YEAH.
- I WASN'T HER CUP OF TEA
IN THE BEGINNING, BUT
I HOPE THAT I'VE BROUGHT
SOME JOY INTO HER LIFE
BY MAKING HER SON HAPPY.
- SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN IT.
- YEAH.
- I STILL THINK
IT'S A LITTLE REVEALING.
[phone ringing]
- HELLO.
YOU'VE REACHED BRANDI GLANVILLE.
LEAVE ME A MESSAGE
IF IT'S IMPORTANT.
OTHERWISE, JUST TEXT ME. BYE.
- 911. CALL ME.
I HAVE TO GO ON A DATE
WITH MY HUSBAND
FOR MY ANNIVERSARY, AND
I HAVE BIG, FAT ZITS ON MY FACE.
'KAY, MISS YOU, KISS YOU.
BYE. CALL ME.
DAVID AND I'VE BEEN TOGETHER
SEVEN YEARS,
AND OF COURSE, HE'S SEEN
THE BEST AND WORST OF ME,
BUT REALLY,
ON THE DAY OF MY ANNIVERSARY,
I'M GONNA WAKE UP WITH THIS
BIG, FAT MUSH-BALL ON MY FACE,
LOOKING LIKE A MONSTER?
NOT CUTE, NOT SEXY,
NOT ROMANTIC.
- HI, MAMA.
- HI, BELLS.
- HI.
- I HAVE MAJOR SKIN ISSUES.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST GETTING READY
FOR DINNER?
- I'M TRYING TO GET READY
FOR MY DINNER,
AND TRYING TO COVER THOSE ZITS,
BUT I'M NOT DOING VERY GOOD.
- WELL, IT'S JUST DAVID, SO...
- BUT I HOPE IT...
"IT'S JUST DAVID." [laughs]
THE DAY I MET HIM,
I'D BEEN SINGLE FOR SIX YEARS,
RAISING MY CHILDREN,
BEING A SINGLE MOM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT,
THAT DAVID AND I,
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SEVEN YEARS?
- THAT'S CRAZY.
- YEAH, DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW HIM?
- YEAH, I WAS TERRIFIED.
- HE CAME TO THE HOUSE?
- YOU WERE? YOU WERE SO LITTLE.
- WELL...
- YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE MONKEY.
- YEAH, I WAS LITTLE.
- HE LIVED IN A ONE-BEDROOM
APARTMENT WITH HIS PIANO,
THINKING THAT THAT'S HOW HE WAS
GONNA LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T
CHANGE SOMEONE?
- AND NOW IT FEELS LIKE
HE'S BEEN WITH US
OUR WHOLE LIFE, SO... - I KNOW.
IT'S BEEN THE BEST THING EVER
HAPPENED TO US AS A FAMILY.
[phone ringing] - BRANDS.
- OKAY, THERE'S "B." "B."
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
- REMEMBER, YOU SAW ME YESTERDAY
WITH ALL MY PIMPLES?
I GOT THREE NOW.
- PUT SOME ICE ONE IT, AND THEN,
BEFORE YOU PUT MAKEUP ON,
PUT A DROP OF VISINE,
BECAUSE IT'LL TAKE THE RED OUT,
BUT OTHERWISE,
YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
- VISINE ON THE THING?
- UH-HUH.
- OH, I HAVE VISINE.
- IT'LL TAKE THE RED OUT.
- REALLY? I... SEE, I KNEW...
I KNEW I WAS
SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.
BRANDI'S, LIKE,
THE EXPERT SPECIALIST
ON SKIN IMPERFECTIONS
COVERING-UP SYSTEMS.
OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
- BYE, SWEETIE.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. BYE.
- DAVID AND YOLANDA'S
RELATIONSHIP IS SO LOVING,
AND IT'S DEFINITELY HARD FOR ME,
SOMETIMES,
TO BE AROUND
ALL THESE ROMANTIC COUPLES.
YOU KNOW, IT CAN DEPRESSING.
- OH, MY GOD. DID YOU EVER KNOW
YOU CAN PUT "VIZ-INE" ON YOUR...
- IT'S "VI-SINE."
- VISINE ON YOUR ZITS?
- [laughs] NO.
THAT'S NOT A THING PEOPLE DO.
- ARE THEY GOING AWAY YET?
- YEAH, THEY'RE GONE.
YOU'RE GOOD.
- [laughs]
- WHERE'S THE OTHER PUPPIES?
GET THE OTHER DOGS, DARLING.
- LOLLIPOP.
- COME ON, GIG.
WE'LL CUT SOME ROSES.
- PIKACHU, LOLLIPOP!
- MOST OF THE ROSES
HAVE BEEN CUT, ACTUALLY.
- GIG, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THE DEAD ONES THEN?
- I'M THROWING THEM...
DARLING, YOU DON'T NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT... ABOUT THIS.
I'VE GOT IT...
- OH, YOU'RE PUTTING THE DEAD
ONES IN WITH THE GOOD ONES.
- I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 32 YEARS. I GOT IT DOWN.
SO I WENT OVER TO SEE BRANDI.
NOT GOOD.
I THINK IT'S THE DOG SITUATION
THAT'S SENT HER,
YOU KNOW, REALLY
KIND OF OVER THE EDGE.
- IT'S STILL NOT THERE, IS IT?
- IT'S GONE, YOU KNOW?
AND I THINK SHE'S
NOT HAPPY WITH ME.
I'M KIND OF NAGGING HER,
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T.
MAYBE I SHOULD STEP BACK A BIT,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE I'M SAYING, "DON'T DRINK.
DON'T SWEAR. DON'T DO THIS."
I THINK,
"WHAT'S THE UPSIDE FOR ME?"
I'M SOUNDING LIKE A NAG.
SHE'S NOT MY CHILD.
SHE KIND OF, I THINK,
RESENTS ME FOR IT SOMETIMES,
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS
I LOVE HER,
AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S HER INTEREST AT HEART.
- SHE NEEDS A BOYFRIEND, REALLY,
TO LOOK AFTER HER.
- WE ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER...
IS THAT BRANDI COPES ALONE.
IT'S VERY DIFFERENT THAN
WHEN YOU'RE PART OF A COUPLE.
I THINK MAYBE THIS WEEK, WE'LL
JUST HAVE DINNER IN THE GARDEN.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JUST LOW-KEY.
- YEAH, THAT'D BE NICE.
- THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY ISSUES
BETWEEN JOYCE AND BRANDI.
- IF I'M ON MY PERIOD,
I'M A TOTAL BITCH,
SO SOMETIMES I GET UPSET.
- SO YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD NOW?
- [laughs]
JUST GET EVERYBODY TOGETHER,
AND SEE HOW WE GO.
I FEEL THAT MAYBE
WE SHOULD HAVE A DINNER,
MAYBE INVITE MARTIN, MOHAMED,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE
A BIT OF A HISTORY WITH JOYCE,
AND I'M HOPING
THAT MAYBE JOYCE AND BRANDI
COULD KIND OF SORT OUT
THEIR DIFFERENCES.
- GIGGY! [dog barks]
[laughs]
- THEY'RE SO COMPETITIVE.
WHY'S IT MEN AREN'T COMPETITIVE
LIKE THAT?
LOOK AT PIKACHU.
HE DOESN'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN
IF HE GETS IT OR NOT.
- GO ON, GIG, GET THE BALL.
- BUT WOMEN,
THEY'LL TEAR THEIR THROATS OUT.
[dog barking]
- COMING UP...
- SO WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY."
OH, MY GOD.
- SO I WANT YOU
TO SEE THIS VIDEO.
- OF KINGSLEY?
- YEAH.
KINGSLEY'S BEEN AWAY
AT DOGGY REHAB FOR ABOUT A WEEK.
IF I WERE KINGSLEY, WHAT WOULD I
BE THINKING WHILE I WAS AWAY?
"I WANT MY MOM, I WANT MY MOM."
[laughs]
OKAY. THAT'S IT.
- SO FROM THE BEGINNING?
- YEAH, THAT'S THE BEGINNING.
- HI, KIM. I'VE BROUGHT KINGSLEY
OUT TO NATURE.
SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS
WE'RE GONNA TAKE THE DOGS,
AND WE'RE GONNA RUN
THROUGH THE FOREST.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION
TO THE PACK.
AND IN A PACK SURVIVAL
MENTALITY,
THERE'S NO SELFISHNESS,
THERE'S NO "IT'S MY MOMMY."
YOU WORK TOGETHER. - "MY MOMMY."
- SO THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA HELP
REBUILD HA... KINGSLEY.
- LOOK. [laughs]
THAT IS SO CUTE!
LOOK IT, HE LOOKS LIKE
SUCH A LITTLE STUD THERE.
- YEAH, HE'S HAPPIER,
BECAUSE HE'S A DOG.
SEE, IF YOU BABY SOMEBODY,
THEN THEY BECOME A BABY,
AND THEY BECOME DEPENDENT
ON THAT PERSON.
- IT BECAME INSTINCTIVE TO WANT
TO BOND WITH THE PACK LEADER,
AND MOVE TOGETHER.
THEY FEEL SECURE LIKE THIS,
AND WE'VE GOT A DOG
THAT'S SMILING TODAY.
- THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
- RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- I FEEL SO HAPPY TO SEE
KINGSLEY WITH OTHER DOGS,
RUNNING IN THE WILDERNESS.
JUST... IT'S SO EXCITING.
HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.
- SEE, IF YOU SEE NOW,
HE ACTS MORE LIKE A DOG
THAN A HUMAN.
- BUT I LIKE HIM BOTH WAYS.
- THAT'S HOW DOGS...
I KNOW YOU DO.
- I'M JUST SAYING.
IT IS... - BUT HE'S NOT A BABY.
HE'S A DOG, AND IT MAKES HIM
MORE PROTECTIVE OF US.
- DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE HAD
THE PACIFIER IN HIS MOUTH?
- NO.
- IT WAS SO CUTE.
IT WAS VERY CUTE.
60% OF THE TIME, I LOVE
WHEN HE THINKS HE'S A BABY,
AND HE LAYS ON ME,
AND LAYS IN MY LAP.
WHILE YOU GUYS WERE ALL
MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIVES,
AND I'M LEARNING TO LET GO
OF YOU GUYS, I'VE COMPLETELY
LATCHED ONTO THIS DOG. - MM-HMM.
- KINGSLEY THINKS HE'S A LAPDOG,
AND LIKE, "GET OFF ME.
I CAN'T BREATHE." [laughs]
THAT 40% OF THE TIME, EH...
I THINK, "MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
BABY THE DOG ANYMORE."
BUT THEN I THINK, "YEAH,
WE SHOULD, IT'S KIND OF FUN."
I FEEL LIKE IT'S MAYBE
NEVER PERFECT.
- IT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
- IT'S JUST GOOD ENOUGH.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- THIS JUST FEELS GOOD TODAY.
REALLY GOOD, YOU KNOW?
- IT'S A NICE DAY.
- AW. LET'S WATCH IT AGAIN.
- HI, LOVE.
- HEY, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- MMM.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU,
BABY.
- WHEN I LOOK AT MY HUSBAND,
I SEE MY LOVE.
I SEE MY LOVE IN MY LIFE.
I DON'T SEE DAVID FOSTER.
- HERE WE GO.
- OH, YEAH. THERE WE GO.
THANK YOU.
- HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M DOIN' REALLY WELL. THANKS.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, ALLISON.
- ARE WE READY TO START
MUNCHING?
- YES.
- YOU KNOW, WE COULD... YEAH.
WE COULD DO FRIED OKRA, PLEASE.
- YEP.
- AN ORDER OF THAT.
AN ORDER OF THE SHRIMP TEMPURA
WITH SOY PAPER.
- JUST ONE? OKAY.
- YEAH, PLEASE.
WHICH YOU RAN OUT OF
THE OTHER NIGHT, BY THE WAY.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.
- I KNOW. I HEARD.
- I WANT SOME TOO,
SO LET'S HAVE TWO OF THOSE.
- WE'LL DO TWO OF THOSE?
- YES, PLEASE.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS.
- NICE PLANNING, MY LOVE.
GOOD JOB. I LIKE IT.
- THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART.
- IT'S HARD
TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS? - YES.
I'M A MUSICIAN.
I WRITE THE MUSIC
TO THOSE LOVE SONGS.
I VERY, VERY, VERY RARELY
WRITE THE LYRICS.
SO IT'S VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO PUT THINGS IN WORDS.
- BUT IT'S SO...
- IT'S EASY TO BUY SOMETHING.
- YEAH. DON'T BUY ME DIAMONDS.
JUST WRITE ME LOVE LETTERS.
- JUST WRITE... AND YOU'RE
NOT KIDDING. YOU STICK TO THAT.
- DAVID, LIKE MOST MEN,
YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM,
YOU GOT TO GROOM THEM, YOU GOTTA
ENCOURAGE THEM TO WRITE.
HE WAS A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.
I NEEDED TO SHINE HIM.
OKAY, READ IT TO ME,
BECAUSE THIS IS SO MUCH MORE...
- CAN I DO WITHOUT MY GLASSES?
- IT'S SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.
- "I MAY BE AN ORDINARY GUY,
"BUT I'M MARRIED
TO AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN.
"THE LAST SEVEN YEARS
HAVE BEEN THE BEST OF MY LIFE.
"YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
INSIDE AND OUT.
"YOUR GOODNESS SHINES A LIGHT
"ON EVERYONE
THAT COMES CLOSE TO YOU.
"MY LIFE ONLY MAKES SENSE
WITH YOU IN IT.
LOVE, YOUR HUSBAND."
AND THEN I PUT A P.S.,
"AND YOU'RE HOT."
- "AND YOU'RE HOT."
- AND YOU'RE HOT.
- EVEN WITH PIMPLES.
[laughs]
I LOVE YOU. - LOVE YOU, BABY.
WHEN I FIRST FELL IN LOVE
WITH YOLANDA,
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU,
IT WAS THE PHYSICAL FIRST.
IT WAS THE FIRST THING
THAT GOT MY ATTENTION,
BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT, THE HEART,
THE SOUL, MY MIND WAS BLOWN.
AND SHE'S HOT. LET'S BE HONEST.
- I DID THIS FOR YOU
IN THE SUMMER,
RIGHT BEFORE I GOT SICK.
IT WAS A LOT OF WORK,
BUT I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING
THAT YOU WILL HAVE FOREVER.
- THANKS, BABY.
- I THINK I'VE LEARNED
A PRETTY GOOD WAY OF BEING WISE
AND KEEPING THAT ROMANCE ALIVE.
- WOW! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.
- [laughs] SO WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY."
- REMEMBER THAT.
YOU CAN'T SHARE THAT
WITH ANYBODY. - OOH.
OH, MY GOD.
- YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT TO KEEP IT EXCITING,
SO WHATEVER IT TAKES,
YOU GOT TO DO IT,
BECAUSE IF YOU LET IT DIE,
ONCE IT'S DEAD, IT'S DEAD,
AND IT AIN'T COMIN' BACK.
[laughs]
- I CAN'T L... I'M GETTING
EMBARRASSED LOOKING.
- [laughs]
- AND IT'S MY OWN WIFE.
- "IT'S MY OWN WIFE." [laughs]
- THAT IS BEAUT... OH, MY GOD.
- WHEN I WAS 21,
I WAS IN AUSTRALIA,
AND THE PSYCHIC TOLD ME THAT
I WOULDN'T FIND MY TRUE LOVE
UNTIL I WAS 42 YEARS OLD.
- WOW.
- I MET MY HUSBAND AT 42.
SO I GUESS SOMETIMES,
YOU GOT TO WAIT
FOR THE GOOD THINGS TO COME,
YOU KNOW?
- THANK YOU, BABY.
- OH, I LOVE YOU, BABY.
- WOW.
NOW, THAT IS A PRESENT.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
- AND I WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO RECIPROCATE.
- [laughs]
- ME ON THE BEACH.
- [laughs]
- NUDE. NO.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. - THANK YOU.
- THAT'S REALLY PRETTY ON YOU.
LET ME SEE.
PUT YOUR SHOULDERS BACK.
STAND TALL.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
- I'M DOING A FUNDRAISER
FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
LOS ANGELES,
AND I NEED TO SEE WHICH DRESSES
ARE GONNA FIT WHICH GIRLS,
AND WHAT LOOKS BEST ON THEM
FOR THE FASHION SHOW.
WELL, IF YOU FEEL GOOD IN THIS,
LET'S JUST STICK WITH THAT,
AND THEN WE'LL PICK
SOME OTHER LOOKS, OKAY,
WHEN THE NEXT BOX COMES.
- OKAY. OKAY.
- SO YOU'RE GOOD WITH THAT?
- MM-HMM.
- OKAY. AY-YI-YI.
FARRAH, DO YOU HAVE
THE NEXT DRESS ON?
- YEAH.
- I'VE NEVER DONE
A FASHION SHOW, AND NOW,
I'M WISHING I HAD CALLED IT A
"FASHION PRESENTATION" INSTEAD.
BECAUSE THAT FEELS LIKE
A LOT OF PRESSURE,
ESPECIALLY IN BEVERLY HILLS.
THANK YOU, LOVE. - LOVES IT. OW.
- OKAY,
CAN I CHANGE THE WORDING?
THIS IS FROM UNDERNEATH.
- I KNOW.
- THE FINGERPRINT
IS INSIDE OF HERE.
WATCH YOUR GRUBBY PAWS
WHEN YOU'RE TOUCHING
OUR VINTAGE CHANEL. - [laughs]
- HELLO. both: HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
- HI, BABE.
- IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME
IN MY STORE?
- YES.
- WELL, WELCOME.
- THIS IS IVETTE.
- HI.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- SO GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU? YOU TOO.
- HI.
- HI, GIRLS.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- WE HAVEN'T MET. I'M JOYCE.
- HI.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M JEN.
- HI. JEN?
[both speaking Spanish]
- HI. BRANDI.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- THIS IS ETIRSA.
- [speaking Spanish]
- JOYCE GOES INTO HER SPANISH
ALL THE TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
AND YOU'RE SAYING IT
TO MY BEST FRIEND,
AND SPEAKING SPANISH TO HER
LIKE SHE'S ENTERING SOME SPECIAL
CLUB THAT I'M NOT INVITED TO.
IT'S JUST REALLY BITCHY.
- BIENVENIDOS.
[laughter] - GRACIAS. GRACIAS.
KYLE IS LIKE,
"STOP IT WITH YOUR SPANISH."
- NO, I LOVE THE SPANISH.
I LOVE IT.
- BRANDI WAS RUDE TO ME
IN PALM SPRINGS,
AND SHE'S BEEN A BITCH SO FAR.
- JACQUELINE.
- JOYCE.
- "YOYCE"?
- JOYCE, JOYCE, JOYCE.
- JACQUELINE.
- LISA'S INVITED ME TO DINNER
TONIGHT,
BUT I'M A LITTLE BIT HESITANT,
BECAUSE KYLE WON'T BE COMING,
AND IT'S JUST GONNA BE
"THE DREAM TEAM."
IT'S JUST GONNA BE YOLANDA,
BRANDI, AND LISA.
- THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
FOR COMING.
IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.
SO I'M GONNA HAVE, YOU KNOW,
SOME OF YOU GUYS WALKING AROUND,
AND THEN, AT SOME POINT,
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE,
LIKE, IN THE WINDOWS.
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, A LINE, YOU KNOW,
FOR A MINUTE.
- SHOULD WE DO THAT?
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
LIKE THIS, AND IN THE WINDOWS.
I HAD ALREADY ASKED
BRANDI AND JOYCE
IF THEY COULD MODEL
IN THE FASHION SHOW.
AFTER ALL, THEY WERE BOTH
PROFESSIONAL MODELS,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
ANY NEGATIVITY
ASSOCIATED WITH THIS PARTY
WHATSOEVER.
OKAY, WELL,
COME CHECK OUT THE STUFF,
AND SEE WHAT YOU GUYS WANT TO
WEAR, AND FEEL COMFORTABLE IN.
LET'S JUST HAVE IT BE
COPACETIC FOR ONCE.
- I LOVE IT. AMAZING.
- OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
- OOH. OKAY, REALLY CUTE.
- VA-VA-VOOM. I LOVE THAT.
- FOXY.
- OH, SEE? YEAH, I LIKE...
THAT LOOKS GREAT.
LOOK AT YOU. WHOO-HOO!
- OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT.
- THAT LOOKS GREAT. [laughter]
YEAH, THAT'S SUPER SEXY. - WHOO!
- THIS IS A LITTLE BIG.
- OH, BUT THAT LOOKS PRETTY
ON YOU, BUT IT IS A LITTLE BIG.
- I KNOW.
- IT'S VERY BIG.
- OKAY, ALL OF YOU GIRLS ARE
SO DARN THIN, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I MEAN, HOW SMALL
DO YOU HAVE TO BE? [laughs]
OKAY, LET ME SEE THIS.
- SO TINY.
- HONEY, HONEY.
- DO YOU WANT A CHEESEBURGER
WITH THAT DRESS?
OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT.
- I THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIG.
I JUST, LIKE... I THINK I HAVE
A LONG TORSO, SO...
- WELL, YOU'RE REALLY SKINNY.
WE ALREADY HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THE ZEROS
AND THE DOUBLE-ZEROS.
I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?
NEGATIVE ZERO?
OKAY. - I FEEL LIKE...
- I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED A LONG...
- GANGSTER BARBIE.
- GANGSTER BARBIE? [laughs]
- SOME CHAINS.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS,
ME BEING A SIZE FOUR
PRETTY MUCH MAKES ME
A PLUS-SIZE MODEL.
- IT'S BIG AGAIN.
- IT'S BIG AGAIN.
- HONEY, YOU'RE TOO THIN
FOR EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING IS BIG.
THERE'S NEVER TOO THIN,
TOO RICH, OR TOO SEXY.
- [laughs] I KNOW, I KNOW.
I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.
- OKAY, SO...
[sighs]
- I AM CONCERNED THAT
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PIECES,
AND I NEED TO GET SMALLER SIZES.
THESE GIRLS ARE TOO THIN.
- I'M...
- I'M NOT GONNA BE SEWING
THE DAY OF THE THING,
AND EITHER ARE YOU.
- [laughs] NO WAY.
- I DO NOT...
I CAN SEW A BUTTON,
AND THAT'S IT.
SO PULL WHATEVER WE HAVE.
- COMING UP...
- I'M GONNA TEACH THESE BOYS
A THING OR TWO.
WHOO! I LOVE IT.
[tires screeching]
I FEEL LIKE I DRIVE
LIKE THIS ANYWAY.
[laughter]
- I'M GONNA TEAR UP THIS TRACK.
I'M GONNA TEACH THESE BOYS
A THING OR TWO. [laughs]
KINGSLEY HAS FILLED
A LOT OF VOIDS FOR ME.
AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE THE DOG GO TO BOOT CAMP,
BECAUSE I'M GONNA MISS HIM, BUT
I KNEW IT WAS THE BEST THING.
- OH! HOW ARE YOU? OOH!
- HOW YOU DOIN'?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU KNOW WHAT? WE GOT...
- MY DAUGHTER, BROOKE.
MY SON, CHAD. MEET HARRISON.
- HOW ARE YOU? CHAD?
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- CHAD.
- CHAD. NICE MEETING YOU, CHAD.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- ONE OF THE THINGS
I'VE LEARNED FROM DAVID IS THAT
IN ORDER FOR KINGSLEY
TO START LISTENING TO ME,
I HAVE TO BE THE ALPHA,
AND I NEED TIME FOR ME.
- SO AWESOME.
- I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS THING
ABOUT CARS, AND MOTORCYCLES,
SO WHEN HARRISON INVITED ME
TO GET OUT ON THE TRACK,
I JUST THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOSH."
WHOO! I LOVE IT.
[laughs]
- WHOO-HOO.
[tires screeching]
- I FEEL LIKE I DRIVE
LIKE THIS ANYWAY.
[laughter]
JUST JOKING.
AND MY GRANDMA
USED TO TAKE ME TO WORK,
AND EVENTUALLY,
SHE COULDN'T SEE ANYMORE,
SO SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE.
SO REALLY, PRETTY MUCH BY 12,
MY GRANDMA WAS HAVING ME
DRIVE HER CAR INTO HOLLYWOOD,
INTO THE STUDIOS.
[tires screeching]
[laughs] WHOO!
- WHOO! [clapping]
THAT WAS AWESOME. WOW.
- HOW WAS IT?
- THAT WAS EXCITING.
SEE? WHOO!
- YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME.
- I THINK RACING CARS
IS JUST THE BEGINNING
OF THE NEW ALPHA KIM.
YES, I'M LOVIN' THIS.
- TIDY UP.
THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD LOOK,
NO LESS THAN THAT.
YOU'RE BAR MANAGER. - HI, PINKY.
- HEY. OH, HI.
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE HERE.
- I KNOW, I THOUGHT
I'D GET HERE A BIT EARLY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- [sighs] OKAY.
- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, BUT A LITTLE...
YOU KNOW. - WHAT?
- I NEED YOUR HELP,
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
- OKAY.
- YOU KNOW JOYCE?
- YEAH.
- YOU'RE GOOD WITH HER?
- OH, YEAH.
- THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU HERE.
WE DIDN'T GET OFF
TO A VERY GOOD START.
DO YOU REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?
IT WAS A BIT WEIRD?
- YEAH. YEAH.
- SHE KIND OF CAME AT ME,
OVER SOMETHING
THAT WAS TOTALLY STUPID,
MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
- I WAS JUST FIXING YOUR HAIR,
AND YOU WENT, "I DON'T CARE."
- SO IS THAT YOUR POINT?
- YOU WERE SO RUDE TO ME.
- SO I THINK IT'S BETTER
IF WE HAVE, LIKE,
THIS KIND OF FIRST DINNER,
TRYING TO BRIDGE THE GAP
WITH YOU AND MOHAMED.
- YEAH, SO IT'S LIKE, SHE'LL
FEEL A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I SPECIFICALLY INVITED
MOHAMED AND MARTIN,
BECAUSE JOYCE HAS A FRIENDSHIP
WITH THEM.
IT'S A COMMON DENOMINATOR,
SO WE CAN MOVE FORWARD.
- BUSY IN HERE TONIGHT.
- IT'S LESBIAN NIGHT TONIGHT.
IT'S GONNA GET STARTED.
- OH, OKAY.
THAT EXPLAINS...
- WHY THERE'S
SO MANY LESBIANS HERE?
- THERE'S NO MEN.
[both laughing]
THERE'S NO MEN.
BRANDI'S STARTIN' TO LOOK GOOD
ALL OF A SUDDEN.
[both laughing]
- YOU'D LOVE BRANDI. LIAR.
- [humming] HELLO.
- I KNOW, LOOKS SO GOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- YEAH?
- IT'S FANTASTIC.
- YEAH.
- THE SPARKLES?
- UH-HUH.
- IT'S LOOKIN' GOOD.
- NOW, ARE THOSE SPARKLES
GONNA SIT ON TOP OF THE STAGE,
OR DO YOU WANT TO COME DOWN?
- NO, 'CAUSE I THINK
THAT MIGHT BE A HAZARD,
ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DRINKING
ON STAGE.
- YEAH? [laughs]
- YES, I MIGHT GO ASS OVER TIT.
WHEN I FIRST MET DAVID,
IT WAS HANDCUFFS,
IT WAS CAT O' NINE TAILS,
IT WAS FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
NAKED.
IT WAS ALL THOSE THINGS.
WE'VE OBVIOUSLY CURTAILED THAT,
HAVING CHILDREN,
AS FAR AS ME RUNNING AROUND
IN MY OUTFITS, OR LACK OF.
AND I WANT TO HAVE A ROOM
WHERE I CAN JUST BE WHO I WAS
WHEN DAVID FIRST MET ME.
WHERE ARE WE GONNA LAND?
SO WE HAVE... IT'S 8 INCHES HIGH?
- IT'S ABOUT 8 INCHES HIGH.
7 3/4 TO 8 INCHES HIGH,
AND IT'S GONNA BE 12 FEET WIDE.
- BRILLIANT.
- 5 FEET OUT.
- YES.
- SO THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU ABOUT
2 1/2 FEET TO SWIRL AROUND,
AND RUN INTO THE WALL.
- THE ROOM IS RED,
SO IT SIGNIFIES PASSION,
AND JUST NO INHIBITIONS,
AND LOVE, AND NAUGHTINESS.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT ON,
WITH THE... WITH IT ALREADY
UP THERE THOUGH?
- GET WHAT ON? I CAN GET IT ON.
- HOW DID YOU GET IT ON?
"AH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH." - [laughs]
- DOES IT... DOES IT STICK?
[laughs] - YES, VERY STICKY.
- [laughs]
- SHUT UP.
THE STAGE IS DEFINITELY GONNA BE
LONG ENOUGH, THAT IF I HAVE...
UM...
A FRIEND TO DANCE WITH,
WE CAN DANCE.
MIKEY, SHOULD I COME
BACK DOWN IN... WHEN?
- I'D COME DOWN
IN ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO.
WE'LL HAVE ALL THE FRAMING DONE,
AND THEN WE CAN START
PUTTING THE WOOD FLOOR ON.
AND YOU CAN TELL ME
EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT THE POLE.
- YAY.
- OH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHERE I WANT IT. [laughter]
- BABY.
- THAT'S WHY I LOVE
WORKIN' WITH YOU.
[both squealing and laughing]
- YOU TELL HIM
WHERE YOU WANT IT.
- YEAH.
- [laughs]
- HI, BEAUTIFUL.
- HEY. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE GREEN SHOES.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WHY?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH GREEN SHOES?
'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT PINK?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO PINK?
- YEAH, KEN'S WALKING AROUND
WITH HIS GIGGY IN HIS HAND,
APPARENTLY.
- I KNOW, HE DOESN'T EVEN FLIRT
WITH ME ANYMORE. - OH, HE WILL.
- I WILL. I CAN.
- HE CAN.
- [indistinct]
- IT WAS PROBABLY WHEN YOU
CALLED ME
A "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY" THAT HE
STOPPED FLIRTING WITH YOU.
- IT WASN'T THAT...
I DIDN'T...
- YES, YOU... YEAH... YEAH...
- NO, I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT.
- YEAH, YOU DID.
- BUT I'M...
I SAY IT WITH KINDNESS.
- NO, I'M NOT TALK... NO,
I DON'T WANT IT WITH ANY KIND,
ANYTHING, NOTHING.
- OH. OH, OH, OKAY.
IT'S... JOYCE IS...
JOYCE IS COMING TONIGHT.
- [laughs]
- WELL, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- NO, THAT'S GREAT.
I SAW HER TODAY, ACTUALLY,
AT A FITTING. - OH, YOU DID?
- AT KYLE'S STORE. YEAH, WE...
I WAS WITH JENNIFER AND ETIRSA,
AND WE WENT IN,
AND JOYCE WAS THERE
WITH HER FRIEND,
AND I SAID HELLO.
I WAS VERY NICE.
- DID YOU SAY
YOU WERE HAVING DINNER TONIGHT?
- NO, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY REALIZE
SHE WAS COMING.
[laughter] - MAYBE SHE'S NOT.
- TONIGHT, I'M NOT
LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING JOYCE.
I'M NOT IN A GREAT,
SOCIABLE MOOD.
[sighs]
- OKAY, I KNOW.
- I'M VERY SAD.
- WHY ARE YOU SAD?
- MY PUPPY'S GONE.
I'VE JUST BEEN VERY DARK
AND DEPRESSED.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
JUST CALL HER "JACQUELINE."
- I CAN'T HELP IT.
- YOU HAVE TO HELP IT.
- IT'S... HONEST, I DON'T MEAN IT.
I-I SAID IT...
- YOU HAVE TO.
WELL, DON'T CALL HER ANYTHING.
- I-I... THIS MORNING,
I WAS VERY GOOD.
- DON'T CALL HER WHAT?
- JACQUELINE.
SHE ALWAYS CALLS HER JACQUELINE.
- I GET THE NAMES CONFUSED.
- YOU CALL JOYCE "JACKIE"?
- BECAUSE... I SAY "JACQUELINE..."
- NO, DON'T.
- BECAUSE IT SOUNDS MORE LATIN
TO ME THAN JOYCE,
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS
LIKE AN OLDER
WHITE WOMAN'S NAME.
- I THINK IT'S "JOYCELINA."
- IT'S "JOYCECITA."
- "JOYCECITA."
- WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- "JOYCE" IS GOOD.
- I JUST...
I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER IT.
- J...
- JUST DON'T CALL HER ANYTHING.
- SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE
"JACQUELINE."
LIKE A JACLYN SMITH,
OR A JACQUELINE BISSET.
YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T LOOK
LIKE A JOYCE.
I UNDERSTAND
WHAT BRANDI'S SAYING,
BUT NOW, SHE NEEDS
TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
OKAY, SO WE'RE OVER HERE.
- OKAY.
- WE GOT THE GARDEN TONIGHT.
- OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT SMELLS AMAZING, AS WELL.
- NO, THAT'S ME.
- NO, IT SMELLS LIKE FOOD.
YOU SMELL LIKE ROSES
AND DIAMONDS.
NOT THAT DIAMONDS SMELL.
- UM, OKAY.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT... YEAH,
I'M NOT GONNA SIT AT THE...
- HEAD.
- IT'S GONNA BE CASUAL HERE,
ANYWAY.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT AT THE...
- [both gasping]
- IT'S A LEAF.
- OH, MY GOD. JESUS.
- IT'S A LEAF. OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE GETTING LIKE KYLE.
- NO, I'M NOT GETTING LIKE KYLE.
- YOU SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME.
- I AM. I GET JUMPY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU TWO ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
[laughter] - YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- HI.
- LONG TIME NO SEE.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GREAT. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- HEY.
- HI.
- OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THAT DRESS.
- WOW.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YEAH, BORROW THIS.
TAKE THIS. [laughs]
- I'M GOING TO. LISTEN,
I'M SHOPPING
IN BOTH YOUR CLOSETS.
- OH, YEAH. I'LL BRING...
YOU CAN BRING THIS.
- HEY, BABY.
- HEY, KEN. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- HELLO.
- OH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
HOW ARE YOU?
- LOOK AT HER, EATING AWAY.
- MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON?
- SHOVED OUR FACES WITH FOOD
RIGHT AS YOU WALKED IN.
- LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL
ALL THESE GIRLS ARE,
AND THEN, OF COURSE, MARTIN
LOOKS VERY HANDSOME TONIGHT.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO.
- I DEFINITELY ADORE SHIVA.
SHE'S A GREAT ADDITION
TO OUR FAMILY.
IF MOHAMED LEAVES SHIVA,
WE'RE ALL GOING WITH SHIVA.
SO HE'S GONNA BE VERY LONELY.
- CHEERS.
- WHERE ARE JOYCE AND MICHAEL?
- WHAT TIME DID YOU TELL HER
TO BE HERE?
- LIKE, HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- MMM, THAT'S POLITE.
- SAME TIME AS YOU.
- WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
- DID YOU TELL HER VILLA BLANCA?
- YES, EXACTLY.
[laughter] - OKAY.
- BUT SHE'S ALWAYS SEEMED
VERY NICE TO ME. I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I'VE... YOU KNOW.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE LIKES TO STIR THE POT,
AND MAKE THINGS OUT OF NOTHING.
- OH, OKAY.
- AND THERE'S THIS WHOLE
ONE-UP THING.
IT'S LIKE, IF I SAY,
"I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS,"
SHE SAYS, "I'M PETRIFIED."
- OKAY.
- IF I SAY... IF SOMEBODY SAYS
"OUR HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO,"
"WE HAD ARMED ROBBERS
IN OUR HOUSE."
- OKAY.
- MY DOG GOT LOST.
"OH, MY GOD...
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MY DOG..."
- "WE LOST TEN DOGS." [laughs]
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND I WAS LIKE...
I LOST IT A LITTLE BIT,
'CAUSE I WAS CRYING.
I WAS UPSET ABOUT MY DOG.
- I LOST A DOG BEFORE, SO...
- [sighs] IT'S NOT
A [bleep] COMPETITION, JOYCE.
- THERE'S A HIDDEN AGENDA,
OR SOMETHING?
- NO, I JUST THINK
THAT HAS TO ONE-UP.
IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING'S
A COMPETITION,
AND, LIKE, WELCOME TO PAGEANTRY.
I NEVER DID PAGEANTS,
SO I HAVE NO IDEA.
NOT THAT THAT'S A...
IT DOESN'T MAKE HER A BAD...
- WELL, IT IS
A VERY COMPETITIVE WORLD.
- YEAH, IT DOESN'T MAKE HER
A BAD PERSON.
IT JUST MAKES HER
ANNOYING AS [bleep].
IT'S LIKE IT HAS TO BE
ABOUT JOYCE ALL THE TIME.
SHE HAS TO BE
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
IT'S EXHAUSTING.
- THAT'S PRETTY.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. HI.
- HELLO. HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- HI.
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.
- HI. THANK YOU.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- LOOKS BEAUTIFUL,
THIS COLOR ON YOU. - YOU TOO.
WE'RE IN THE RED AND THE ORANGE.
- HI.
- HEY, MICHAEL.
- HELLO. GREAT TO SEE YOU.
[both speaking in German]
- TO ME,
BRANDI IS CHOPPED LIVER,
UNTIL SHE ACKNOWLEDGES
THAT SHE'S DONE SOMETHING WRONG,
BUT BECAUSE LISA
HAS SENT ME A TEXT SAYING,
"LET'S START FRESH."
I'M GONNA GO WITH IT,
AND I'M GONNA JUST TRY
TO START FRESH WITH HER.
- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
ARE THE REASON WHY I CAME.
- REALLY?
- YES.
- OH, MY GOD. [laughs]
I THINK... I THINK LISA
IS THE REASON YOU CAME.
- NO, I THINK IT'S ME.
- NO, WHEN YOU SAID
OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS ARE COMING...
- NICE TO SEE YOU, NICE
TO SEE YOU, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY.
- HI.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. OH, MY GOD.
- I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN
MOVE FORWARD AND MEND THINGS
WHEN JOYCE COMPLETELY SNUBS ME
AND SAYS SHE'S ONLY HERE
BECAUSE MOHAMED'S HERE.
I'M LIKE,
"WHY THE [bleep] AM I HERE?"
- FILL THIS UP,
BEFORE I MURDER A PUERTO RICAN.
- OF COURSE.
- COMING UP...
- YOU SAID,
"LISA CAN GIVE CRITICISM,
BUT SHE CAN'T TAKE IT."
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!
- THAT'S WHAT... YES, YOU DID.
- YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN.
- I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE FISH TONIGHT.
HE HAVE HAND-ROASTED
CHILEAN SEA BASS,
THAT'S SERVED ITALIAN-STYLE,
WITH ROASTED VEGETABLES
ON THE SIDE.
- I THINK I MIGHT WANT TO DO
THE WARM CHICKEN SALAD.
- IT'S NOT ON THE MENU, BUT...
- WHICH ONE?
- THE WARM CHICKEN SALAD.
- OH, IT'S AMAZING.
- A LOT OF RESTAURANTS,
THEY DON'T GIVE YOU THE LIBERTY
TO ORDER OFF THE MENU.
YOU CAN'T RUN A BUSINESS
LIKE THAT.
- I'M GONNA HAVE
THE VEAL MILANESE.
- OKAY.
- BUT INSTEAD OF THE MOZZARELLA,
AND ALL THIS,
I JUST WANT, LIKE,
ARUGULA AND PARMESAN.
- PEOPLE ARE VERY MUCH LIKE,
"I WANT THE CHICKEN SALAD
WITHOUT THE SALAD."
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.
SO YOU HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE
EVERYBODY,
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE USED TO.
- BEET SALAD,
BUT INSTEAD OF THE BLEU CHEESE,
SHE'S GONNA HAVE GOAT CHEESE.
- SURE.
- I'VE HAD SOMEBODY BROUGHT
THEIR OWN SAUSAGES
INTO MY RESTAURANT,
AND ASK ME TO COOK THEM.
THERE'S NOTHING
THAT SURPRISES ME.
- YOU WAITING ON ME?
- I'VE BEEN WAITING ON YOU
FOR 30 YEARS.
- [laughs]
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
- LISA, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. CHEERS.
- YOLANDA, CHEERS.
- CHEERS.
- HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW...
HOW DO YOU ALL KNOW EACH OTHER?
- I HAVE KNOWN MICHAEL,
AND I'VE KNOWN...
I'VE KNOWN BOTH THEM SEPARATELY.
- BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED?
- BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO FUNNY.
- PROBABLY ABOUT 15...
- WELL, MOHAMED I MET...
NO, MOHAMED I MET, LIKE,
WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,
WHICH HAS BEEN ALMOST 12 YEARS.
- DID YOU GUYS EVER DATE?
- NO.
- DID YOU?
- OH, THE TWO OF US, YOU MEAN?
- HUH?
- NO, I KNOW. YOU GUYS.
- NEVER.
- YEAH, EXACTLY. [laughter]
- SHE SAID, "I THINK SO."
- IT WAS ONLY SEXUAL.
PURELY SEXUAL. PURELY SEXUAL.
- PURELY SEXUAL
IN MOHAMED'S HEAD. [laughter]
- NO, I THINK MET YOU... I THINK
COUPLE YEARS BEFORE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, COULD BE.
WELL, YEAH, COULD BE.
COULD BE.
- MAYBE AT THE SAME TIME.
- 10 YEARS, 12 YEARS.
- YEAH, 12 YEARS AGO.
- SO JOYCE, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU TO
MEET ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
YOU GOT LISA, MOST AMAZING LADY
IN LOS ANGELES.
- I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THEM.
- MY EX-WIFE...
- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WHEN...
- I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THEM.
IT'S BEEN SO-SO.
THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
THAT, THEY ARE.
THEY'RE ALL GORGEOUS.
- IT'S A VERY...
IT'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE TABLE
FOR EVERYONE.
- PERFECTION.
- THAT THEY ARE.
THEY'RE GORGEOUS. - GORGEOUS.
- GORGEOUS LADIES.
NOT THE EASIEST OF GROUPS.
- NOT THE OF EASIEST.
- NOT THE OF EASIEST GROUPS,
BUT GORGEOUS LADIES.
- THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU FIND US PRETTY EASY,
I'D SAY.
- YOU THINK SO. YOU THINK SO.
- YEAH, I'M VERY...
- WHY DO YOU SAY, "NOT EASY"?
- NOT THE EASIEST.
- TO YOU?
- BUT LET'S SAY...
- TO YOU?
- NO, NO, NO. TO ME, FINE.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM.
- TO HIS WIFE.
- BUT WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW,
WE ARE ONE TEAM.
- BUT HE'S KIND OF THE TYPE...
- WE ARE ONE, WE ARE ONE.
- WHO IS NOT THE... TRUE.
- WE ARE ONE.
- WHO... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- LET'S NOT GO THERE.
WE ARE ALL HERE TO CELEBRATE.
- WE'RE HERE. WE'RE MENDING.
- WELL, BUT IT'S...
- WE'RE JUST STARTING OVER,
STARTING FRESH.
- MY WIFE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED
IN PALM SPRINGS.
BRANDI SIMPLY CROSSED THE LINE,
AND IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR ME.
BUT THIS DINNER IS MEANT FOR
ALL OF US TO COME BACK TOGETHER,
AND SORT OUT ALL THE ISSUES.
- I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING.
LISA IS THE SWEETEST,
THE MOST GENTLE, GENEROUS WOMAN
YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR LIFE.
AND THIS IS THE TRUTH.
- THAT IS SO NOT TRUE, BUT...
[laughter] - THAT IS TRUE.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK MY...
- I TAKE YOUR WORD ON IT.
- HOW 'BOUT THIS?
I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
I'LL DISCOVER IT ON MY OWN,
BUT I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD.
- LISTEN, I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU WILL FIND IT TO BE.
- I HOPE. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
- YOU'LL FIND TO BE CORRECT.
- WELL, THE MEN ARE ALWAYS
THE EASY ONES. THEY'RE, LIKE,
THEY'RE EASYGOING, THEY WANT...
THEY DON'T WANT THE DRAMA,
THEY SIT BACK.
I CALL MEN "SIMPLE CREATURES,"
AND NOT IN A BAD WAY.
- NO, NO. I THINK WE ARE EASIER,
NO QUESTION.
BUT IF SOMEBODY HAS A PROBLEM
WITH MY WIFE,
THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME.
- BUT STILL, MICHAEL,
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS,
WE GOT TO... WE GOT TO...
- NO, NO, SURE.
- AND THE GUYS CANNOT
GET INVOLVED.
- IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN WITH ME.
- BUT, JOYCE, TO BE HONEST,
I WILL SAY TO YOU,
WE'VE HAD MU... WE HAVE
A LOT OF MUTUAL FRIENDS.
- WE HAVE ONE MUTUAL FRIEND.
- NO, I MEAN,
I KNOW JANELLE,
AND I ALSO KNOW KRISTAL.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, SO WE HAVE
TWO MUTUAL FRIENDS.
- SO TWO MUTUAL FRIENDS, YEAH.
- THEY DON'T SPEAK HIGHLY
OF YOU.
- YES, THEY DO.
- NO, THEY DON'T.
- WELL, THEY SHOULD TELL ME
TO MY FACE, BECAUSE
THEY DON'T SPEAK HIGHLY OF YOU.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- OKAY, LET'S...
- OH, YES THEY DO.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
JANELLE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
- REALLY?
- OKAY, WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING...
OKAY...
I DON'T WANT TO START THIS.
- YOU... SHE STARTED IT, ACTUALLY.
- OR IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T SPEAK...
- I GAVE YOU ADVICE,
AND YOU TOOK IT,
AND YOU TWISTED IT
INTO SOMETHING IT WASN'T.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- YOU DID.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- WHAT ADVICE?
WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT LISA?
- NO.
WHEN I TOLD YOU... YES, I SAID,
"LISA'S VERY SENSITIVE.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER,
YOU SHOULD SPEAK TO HER."
- THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.
- I DID. THAT IS WHAT I SAID.
LET'S SAY WHAT YOU SAID.
YOU SAID,
"LISA CAN GIVE CRITICISM,
BUT SHE CAN'T TAKE IT.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!
- YES, YOU DID.
- YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- NO, NO, NO,
DON'T CALL HER STUPID.
DON'T EVEN GO... DON'T DO THAT.
- NO, YOU ARE STUPID.
- THE ONLY ONE THAT PROVED
SO FAR YOU ARE STUPID IS YOU.
- BEING A... YOU'RE A RACIST.
YOU'RE A RACIST, A BULLY.
- DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
- I'M RACIST?
- YOU ARE A RACIST.
DIDN'T YOU FORGET HOW YOU
IN PALM SPRINGS TELL ME...
- STOP THIS.
- I'M LIKE A BLACK PERSON
BECAUSE I DON'T SWIM?
WHEN I'M JUST BEING HONEST,
AND TELLING YOU
THAT I DON'T SWIM.
THAT'S DISGUSTING TO ME.
I CAN'T SWIM.
- YOU'RE A BLACK PERSON.
- [laughs] WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- OKAY, THEN TALK
TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND,
'CAUSE HE WAS BLACK. I DON'T
THINK I'M [bleep] RACIST, BITCH.
- THAT'S VERY RACIST. YES.
I WILL NOT ALLOW HER
TO BE RACIST.
I WILL NOT ALLOW HER
TO BULLY ME.
I'M DONE. I TRIED TO BE A LADY,
BUT SHE'S MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE,
TO THE POINT WHERE
I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.
- LISTEN,
PEOPLE SAY CRAZY STUFF.
I SKI, AND PEOPLE SAY,
"WHY WOULD YOU SKI?
YOU ARE AN ARAB.
YOU KNOW, ALL YOU HAVE IS SAND."
SO THAT... I DON'T THINK
IT'S THEY'RE RACIST.
THEY JUST... PEOPLE JOKE AROUND.
- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE MET ME
WITH MY BEST FRIENDS
THIS MORNING.
- YEAH, HOLD ON. LET ME JUST...
- ONE IS BLACK,
AND ONE IS LATIN. I'M NOT...
- EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHY YOU
BROUGHT HER, SO THAT
IT WOULDN'T LOOK BAD ON YOU.
- OH!
- THAT IS [bleep] RACIST!
YOU KNOW WHY I BROUGHT HER?
ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING?
- SHE'S ACTUALLY BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S ACTUALLY AMAZING.
I LOVE HER.
- SHE'S STUNNING.
- SHE'S GORGEOUS.
- YOU LOVE HER?
I'VE BEEN HER BEST FRIEND
FOR 20 [bleep] YEARS.
OH, ASK HER IF I'M...
- YOU SHOULD LEARN FROM THEM.
THEY'RE QUITE CLASSY.
- ASK HER IF I'M RACIST.
- THEY'RE BOTH QUITE CLASSY,
ACTUALLY.
- OH, MY GOD.
[all speaking at once]
- STOP IT. STOP.
- LISTEN, THAT'S NOT THE INTENT
OF THIS DINNER,
BUT THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- I DIDN'T COME FOR THIS.
SHE'S THE ONE
THAT BROUGHT IT UP.
- W-WHO... I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU...
WHY DO YOU BRING
SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP?
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- YOU ACT LIKE A BULLY
IN PALM SPRINGS
WHEN I'M JUST HOSTING,
WHEN MY HUSBAND ORGANIZE...
- I ACT LIKE A BULLY?
- YES, YOU DID ACT LIKE A BULLY.
- YEAH. I... OKAY.
- WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS BULLIED
IN HIGH SCHOOL
FOR BEING CALLED "HOY-SAY,"
AND THERE YOU ARE, REPEATING IT
OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER.
- JACQUELINE'S NOT
A LATINA NAME.
- IT'S MORE SO THAN "YOYCE."
- ACTUALLY, "YOYCE"
I REALLY HATE,
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,
THEY WOULD GO, "HOY-SAY."
[neighs]
- YOU NEED TO LEARN
WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
- NO.
- EXCUSE ME.
WHICH PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?
- WHICH PLANET ARE YOU IN?
- I LIVE ON EARTH.
WHERE DO YOU [bleep] LIVE?
- EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CONDONE
OF THE THINGS
THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH
SOMETIMES,
BRANDI'S NOT MY DAUGHTER,
SHE'S MY FRIEND.
- [laughs]
- YOU LIVE ON PLANET TRASH.
- [laughs] I LIVE WITH YOU HERE,
UNFORTUNATELY, RIGHT NOW.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU'RE ON PLANET TRASH.
- NO, I DON'T.
- I LIVE WITH YOU HERE, SOMEHOW.
- LISTEN, IF YOU'RE SAYING
YOU LIVE ON PLANET TRASH,
AND YOU'RE SAYING SHE'S TACKY
AND SHE'S A RACIST,
AND SHE RESPONDS BY SAYING,
"GO [bleep] YOURSELF,"
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
- NO, BECAUSE
THAT WAS A RACIST COMMENT, SO
YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THAT TOO.
- I'M JUST SAYING, LET IT GO.
- I KNOW SHE'S YOUR FRIEND,
AND YOU'RE...
I AM TRYING TO LET IT GO.
SHE'S BRINGING IT BACK.
- I FEEL LIKE THEY JUST
INVITED ME INTO THE LION'S DEN,
AND SAID,
"WHATEVER BRANDI SAYS IS OKAY,
BUT JOYCE, YOU SHUSH."
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- THAT'S FINE.
- YOU WERE BULLYING ME.
- I WAS NOT BULLYING YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
- LET IT GO,
AND HAVE A NICE DINNER.
AT LEAST ENJOY THE FOOD.
- JOYCE, YOU HAD TO MAKE IT
ABOUT YOU,
AND IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS PATHETIC.
AND HONESTLY, EVERY TIME
SOMEBODY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY,
YOU WOULD ONE-UP THEM. LIKE,
I GOT THE CALL OF MY DOG
GETTING LOST.
I WAS VERY UPSET, OBVIOUSLY,
STILL AM, AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD. I REMEMBER
WHEN MY DOG GOT LOST."
IT HAS TO BE ABOUT JOYCE,
AND IT'S LIKE... IT'S EXHAUSTING.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE EXCUSING YOUR BEHAVIOR
ON LOSING YOUR PUPPY?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT,
BRANDI. ZERO.
IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.
I TOLD YOU,
AND THESE WERE LITERALLY
MY WORDS.
"BRANDI, I'M NOT FIGHTING.
I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU,
BECAUSE I FEEL FOR YOU."
- BUT IS THIS REALLY WORTH
GOING OVER NOW? IS IT REALLY?
I DON'T SEE THE POINT OF IT.
- WELL, SHE SPOKE
ABOUT THE PUPPY,
SO WHY CAN'T I GIVE MY SIDE?
BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR CLOSER FRIEND
THAN ME?
- NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
[all speaking at once]
- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- I KNOW, BUT DON'T...
DON'T GET INVOLVED. - LISTEN,
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOU DOWN.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
- BRING IT, BITCH.
- BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING...
OH, DON'T.
- BRANDI'S BEING INAPPROPRIATE
AND PROVOCATIVE,
AND I AM IN A POSITION
THAT I WANT TO CHASTISE HER,
BUT I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT TO JUST
REALLY BACK OFF A LITTLE BIT,
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA HELP
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BRANDI.
THE WHOLE POINT OF TONIGHT IS
TO LEAVE BEHIND ALL THIS STUFF,
AND TO GO FORWARD.
- I DID WANT TO LEAVE IT BEHIND,
BUT IF SHE STARTS INSTIGATING,
AND SHE WANTS TO HEAR THE TRUTH,
SHE'S A BULLY, A RACIST,
AND AN INSTIGATOR.
[all speaking at once]
- I'M NOT A RACIST, OKAY?
- UM, YES.
- SHE'S NOT RACIST.
SHE'S NOT RACIST.
- OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE DINNER.
- JOYCE.
- I DON'T WANT TO GET IN...
JOYCE, MY LOVE,
IT'S CALLED A JOKE.
- THAT'S RUDE ACTUALLY.
THAT'S... AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM BLACK.
PUERTO RICANS ARE BLACK,
THEY'RE INDIAN,
AND THEY'RE SPANISH.
- SO ARE CUBANS, AND THAT'S
WHO I [bleep] MARRIED,
AND THAT'S WHO I HAD
[bleep] KIDS WITH.
SHUT THE [bleep] UP.
- [bleep].
- COMING UP...
- DON'T ACT LIKE A BIMBO.
YOU'RE JUST BLONDE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A BIMBO.
- GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, I WISH I DON'T
NEED TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET
WITH YOU.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- THEN GO BACK TO WHEREVER
THE [bleep] YOU'RE FROM.
- WE GOT TO MOVE ON FROM...
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, HONESTLY.
- VERY SMART.
- I MEAN, JESUS.
- IT IS RIDICULOUS.
- IN THE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS,
IT'S JUST ALL
SUCH UNIMPORTANT STUFF.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW, AND WE JUST NEED...
WE NEED TO STAY FOCUSED
ON THE REAL THINGS IN LIFE,
AND THE REAL IMPORTANCE
OF THINGS,
BECAUSE REALLY, HONEST,
WHEN I'M JUST LISTENING TO THIS,
IT JUST SEEMS SO PETTY.
- BUT YOLANDA, YOU CAN'T HAVE ME
AT A DINNER, SITTING HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF YOU,
AND BE QUIET.
THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
I'M NOT JUST GONNA BE QUIET.
YOU HAVE THE DREAM TEAM,
WHATEVER YOU NAME IT.
- CARLTON, BRANDI, AND LISA
GOT A HEART.
- YES, MY TEAM, THE DREAM TEAM.
[laughter]
- YOU DID CALL THEM THAT.
- AND I'M SITTING HERE.
I'M SITTING HERE WITH MY WIFE...
- IT'S A JOKE.
- IF I HAVE TO BE QUIET
ABOUT IT...
- NOT A CUTE JOKE.
IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL JOKE.
- IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE,
WE GET OVER THAT.
WE'RE OVER THAT.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU,
AND... AND SECOND OF ALL,
THE DREAM TEAM... COME ON.
- WHEN YOU DO LITTLE HEARTS,
IT'S VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
IT SETS THE WRONG TONE.
IT'S VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
- IT'S NOT...
IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL.
- BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE UNCONSCIOUS DOESN'T LIE.
YOU CAN'T BE BEST FRIENDS
WITH EVERYBODY.
ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS
CAN YOU BE "BEST FRIENDS"
WITH THE WHOLE WORLD.
RESPECT AND FRIENDSHIP
ARE EARNED OVER TIME.
YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP IN
AND PRETEND THAT EVERYBODY'S A...
- BUT IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
- I AGREE 100%.
- IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET,
BUT IT TAKES TIME.
- IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET,
IT'S NOT A ONE-WAY STREET,
- I AGREE 100%.
- BUT IT TAKES TIME.
- I THINK
THIS LITTLE "DREAM TEAM"
IS USED TO GETTING THEIR WAY,
AND EVERYBODY JUST SHUTS UP.
UNFORTUNATELY,
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE,
SO BRING IT ON.
IT WAS VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
- WELL, EXACTLY.
- I HAVE NO MORE TO SAY.
TO ME, IT'S SOMETHING
SO LITTLE AND HIGH SCHOOL,
I WOULD NEVER BRING IT UP,
BUT FOR NO REASON,
YOU WERE JUST RUDE.
FOR NO REASON,
YOU WERE BEING A BULLY.
- I WAS NOT BULLYING YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
- THAT'S NOT BULLYING.
- "JOYCE IS A BIG, FAT PIG."
WHAT IS THAT?
- JOYCE IS A BIG, FAT PIG.
- [laughs] YOU CANNOT SAY THAT.
- I CAN SAY THAT.
- OKAY, CALM DOWN.
- SHE STARTED IT.
- NO, I'M MAD.
YOU'RE A SMART GIRL.
DON'T ACT LIKE A BIMBO.
YOU'RE JUST BLONDE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A BIMBO.
- GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
- STOP YOUR LANGUAGE, BRANDI.
- YOU'RE TRASH.
YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF TRASH.
- I MEAN IT.
- [bleep] YOU, DUDE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"[bleep] YOU, DUDE"?
- OH, MY GOD,
YOU ARE SUCH A TRASH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WISH I DON'T NEED TO LIVE
ON THIS PLANET WITH YOU.
I'M SERIOUS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- THEN GO BACK
TO WHEREVER THE [bleep]
YOU'RE FROM.
- NEXT TIME, ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I'M DEPRESSED.
LIKE, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
I'M NOT LYING.
I [bleep] TELL THE TRUTH.
[sobs] - IT'S OKAY.
I LOVE YOU. ARE YOU OKAY?
- [crying] NO, IT'S FINE.
THIS IS WHAT COMES OUT,
"[bleep] YOU.
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
[bleep] OFF."
BECAUSE I JUST...
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT IT'S... IT'S JUST...
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THAT.
- [sighs]
- THAT'S A BIT OF A BITCH.
I'M BEING A PUSSY. SORRY.
[screams]
[clatter]
- DID SOMETHING BREAK?
OH, NO! OH, [bleep].
SHE'S DEAD.
SHE'S HAD
ONE TOO MANY COCKTAILS.
- THE WORK THAT YOU ARE DOING
HERE TONIGHT,
AND THE WORK THAT WE WILL
CONTINUE TO DO TOGETHER
WILL CHANGE THE LIVES
OF THESE CHILDREN FOREVER.
- BRANDI HAS BEEN ATTACKING ME,
AND YOU GUYS JUST
MAKE EXCUSES FOR HER.
- LOOK, I'M NOT MAKING EXCUSES
FOR HER.
- HOW DARE SHE BE TALKING
[bleep]?
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
ABOUT MODELING
IN THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
FASHION SHOW?
- IF YOU NEED MODELS.
- I DO.
- YEAH.
FOR SICK KIDS,
I'LL CRAWL ON THE FLOOR,
LICKING DUST UP
WITH A G-STRING ON.
DOESN'T MATTER.
- THIS REALLY
IS THE STAGING WALL.
I WANT A ROOM WHERE I CAN
PUT ON A SHOW FOR MY HUSBAND.
I LIKE TO PLAY.
I WANT TO KEEP MY MAN HAPPY.
[laughs] STOP IT. - [laughs]
- SO WE'RE GONNA GET THE DOG
WITH ME FOR A WEEK,
BONDING WITH A PACK OF DOGS.
- KINGSLEY'S MORE THAN A DOG.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
- WE CAN'T FIND CHICA.
- WHAT THE [bleep]
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CHICA! CHICA!
I AM A LITTLE PESSIMISTIC
WHEN IT COMES TO LOSS,
BUT I HAVE TO SHOW MY KIDS
THAT YOU JUST NEVER GIVE UP.
- I WAS SPEAKING TO KIM,
AND TO MY BABY.
- ARE YOU A BABY, OR A MAN?
[laughs]
- FOR SOME REASON,
I'M HER TARGET.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
- I DO THINK YOU HAVE TO DO
AN INTERVENTION
WITH BRANDI THOUGH.
- SHE GETS WASTED AND LONELY.
- SHE GETS LONELY AND DRUNK.
[upbeat music]
- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.
I KNOW WHAT'S REAL
AND WHAT'S FAKE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER
YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.
- EVERYBODY LOVES
A COMEBACK STORY,
ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.
- IN MY WORLD,
MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.
- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG,
TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.
- LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE,
AND I LIKE TO TAKE LEAD.
- YOU READY, MAMA?
WE'RE GONNA BUY YOU A THONG.
- [laughing] A THONG?
JUST IMAGINE ME IN A THONG.
WOW. - HELLO.
- HI.
- HI.
- WELCOME TO HUSTLER.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
- A THONG.
WE'RE THINKING SEQUINS.
- I WAS THINKING OF SHOES,
SHOES.
- I CAN SHOW YOU THINGS
YOU'VE NEVER EVEN IMAGINED.
- THANKS, THANKS.
- I LIKE TO DRESS UP FOR DAVID.
I HAVE A LITTLE CLOSET FULL
OF PERSONALITIES, I LIKE TO SAY.
SO WHILE I AM GETTING
MY BURLESQUE ROOM IN ORDER,
I DECIDED THAT I WANT TO CHOOSE
A FEW OUTFITS
TO ADD TO MY VAST COLLECTION.
- OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS.
IRIDESCENT BOOBIES.
[laughs] - FEEL THEM, MUM.
- OOH-HOO!
- I HAVE A VERY SILLY
RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MUM-IN-LAW.
WE CERTAINLY HAVE SOME FUNNY,
RAUNCHY CONVERSATIONS.
WE DON'T HOLD BACK.
- LOOK AT THIS ONE.
THAT'S PROBABLY
WHAT THEY CALL ME.
- SHE'S PULLED BABIES
OUT MY VAGINA.
IT'S NOT ODD.
NOW, THIS I COULD WEAR
AROUND A COUPLE OF THE GIRLS.
"[bleep] YOU VERY MUCH."
- I LIKE THE BACK OF THE SHIRT.
- I THINK IT'S PHALLIC.
- OKAY.
- MY FAVORITE WORD.
"I'D [bleep] ME TOO."
- YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
SAYING THAT WORD, SO...
- I DON'T THINK MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
REALLY HAD MET
SOMEBODY LIKE ME BEFORE.
DAVID WAS RAISED AS A CATHOLIC,
AND I'VE NEVER TRIED TO PUSH
WHAT I BELIEVE ON HIM,
BUT HE KNEW MY HEART WAS GOOD,
AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED,
NO MATTER MY FAITH.
WHAT DOES "D.T.F." MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DOES "D.T.F." STAND FOR?
- IT MEANS "DOWN TO [bleep]."
- OKAY.
- YES.
- WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- "DOWN TO [bleep]."
- THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR.
IT IS ONE OF OUR TOP SELLERS.
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
YOU GUYS DOING ALL RIGHT?
- I WAS ACTUALLY
GONNA COME FIND YOU. - OKAY.
- 'CAUSE I DEFINITELY WANT
TO TAKE AN EXTRA SMALL
IN THE BOTTOMS, AND THEN...
- OKAY.
THE TOPS ARE
A ONE-SIZE-FITS-MOST.
- OKAY, THEN.
SO I'LL TAKE THE ONE-SIZE-FITS...
- SO YOU'LL HAVE TO KIND OF
STRETCH AND ARRANGE THEM
TO KIND OF COVER
WHAT THEY NEED TO COVER, YES.
- MANEUVER?
AND DOUBLE-STICK TAPE?
- I FEEL LIKE THE... SOME
SIDE-BOOB IS NOT A BAD THING.
SIDE-BOOB IS THE NEW CLEAVAGE.
UNDER-BOOB TOO.
- REALLY? SEXY. I LIKE THAT.
- SOME GUYS LIKE THE LITTLE...
LIKE, THE CROP TOP
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF UNDER-BOOB.
- REALLY? I'M...
I'M OKAY WITH BOTH, SO...
- [laughs]
- SEE? EXACTLY, I TOLD YOU.
- I WANT TO TRY IT, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
- THANK YOU. DO YOU HAVE BLUE?
- WE HAVE THEM IN LEATHER.
- I LIKE THE LEATHER ONES.
EVERYTHING'S LEATHER NOW.
- YOU'RE PUSHING LEATHER, BABY?
- MY MOM AND CARLTON HAVE
A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
THEY'RE VERY OPEN
WITH EACH OTHER.
THEY SPEAK THEIR MIND
VERY FREELY,
AND SO HER GOING WITH CARLTON
TO HUSTLER,
AND PICKIN' OUT BIKINIS,
IT'S... IT'S KIND OF WHAT WE DO.
WOW. - WHOA.
- PRETTY HOT.
- UH, THINK IT'S
A LITTLE REVEALING.
- WHERE'S IT REVEALING?
- NOT TO ME, IT'S NOT.
- REVEALING WHERE?
- IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT...
- NO?
- I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD.
- IT'S REALLY TINY, THIS ONE.
- IT IS TINY, AND IT'S NOT
REALLY FLATTERING ON MY ASS.
- IT JUST ABOUT COVERS
HER CRACK.
OOH! [laughs]
[laughter]
IT'S A LITTLE REVEALING.
SHE GOES IN THE MALL, AND SHE'S
DOING THE LAP DANCE ON MY LEG.
I MEAN, SHE ALWAYS
CARRIES ON WITH ME.
IS THAT WHAT YOU
WOULD LIKE HER TO WEAR?
- I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH HER SHOWING HER BODY OFF.
- OKAY. IF YOU'RE GOOD WITH IT,
I'M GOOD WITH IT.
- YEAH.
- I WASN'T HER CUP OF TEA
IN THE BEGINNING, BUT
I HOPE THAT I'VE BROUGHT
SOME JOY INTO HER LIFE
BY MAKING HER SON HAPPY.
- SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN IT.
- YEAH.
- I STILL THINK
IT'S A LITTLE REVEALING.
[phone ringing]
- HELLO.
YOU'VE REACHED BRANDI GLANVILLE.
LEAVE ME A MESSAGE
IF IT'S IMPORTANT.
OTHERWISE, JUST TEXT ME. BYE.
- 911. CALL ME.
I HAVE TO GO ON A DATE
WITH MY HUSBAND
FOR MY ANNIVERSARY, AND
I HAVE BIG, FAT ZITS ON MY FACE.
'KAY, MISS YOU, KISS YOU.
BYE. CALL ME.
DAVID AND I'VE BEEN TOGETHER
SEVEN YEARS,
AND OF COURSE, HE'S SEEN
THE BEST AND WORST OF ME,
BUT REALLY,
ON THE DAY OF MY ANNIVERSARY,
I'M GONNA WAKE UP WITH THIS
BIG, FAT MUSH-BALL ON MY FACE,
LOOKING LIKE A MONSTER?
NOT CUTE, NOT SEXY,
NOT ROMANTIC.
- HI, MAMA.
- HI, BELLS.
- HI.
- I HAVE MAJOR SKIN ISSUES.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST GETTING READY
FOR DINNER?
- I'M TRYING TO GET READY
FOR MY DINNER,
AND TRYING TO COVER THOSE ZITS,
BUT I'M NOT DOING VERY GOOD.
- WELL, IT'S JUST DAVID, SO...
- BUT I HOPE IT...
"IT'S JUST DAVID." [laughs]
THE DAY I MET HIM,
I'D BEEN SINGLE FOR SIX YEARS,
RAISING MY CHILDREN,
BEING A SINGLE MOM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT,
THAT DAVID AND I,
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SEVEN YEARS?
- THAT'S CRAZY.
- YEAH, DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW HIM?
- YEAH, I WAS TERRIFIED.
- HE CAME TO THE HOUSE?
- YOU WERE? YOU WERE SO LITTLE.
- WELL...
- YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE MONKEY.
- YEAH, I WAS LITTLE.
- HE LIVED IN A ONE-BEDROOM
APARTMENT WITH HIS PIANO,
THINKING THAT THAT'S HOW HE WAS
GONNA LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T
CHANGE SOMEONE?
- AND NOW IT FEELS LIKE
HE'S BEEN WITH US
OUR WHOLE LIFE, SO... - I KNOW.
IT'S BEEN THE BEST THING EVER
HAPPENED TO US AS A FAMILY.
[phone ringing] - BRANDS.
- OKAY, THERE'S "B." "B."
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
- REMEMBER, YOU SAW ME YESTERDAY
WITH ALL MY PIMPLES?
I GOT THREE NOW.
- PUT SOME ICE ONE IT, AND THEN,
BEFORE YOU PUT MAKEUP ON,
PUT A DROP OF VISINE,
BECAUSE IT'LL TAKE THE RED OUT,
BUT OTHERWISE,
YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
- VISINE ON THE THING?
- UH-HUH.
- OH, I HAVE VISINE.
- IT'LL TAKE THE RED OUT.
- REALLY? I... SEE, I KNEW...
I KNEW I WAS
SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.
BRANDI'S, LIKE,
THE EXPERT SPECIALIST
ON SKIN IMPERFECTIONS
COVERING-UP SYSTEMS.
OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
- BYE, SWEETIE.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. BYE.
- DAVID AND YOLANDA'S
RELATIONSHIP IS SO LOVING,
AND IT'S DEFINITELY HARD FOR ME,
SOMETIMES,
TO BE AROUND
ALL THESE ROMANTIC COUPLES.
YOU KNOW, IT CAN DEPRESSING.
- OH, MY GOD. DID YOU EVER KNOW
YOU CAN PUT "VIZ-INE" ON YOUR...
- IT'S "VI-SINE."
- VISINE ON YOUR ZITS?
- [laughs] NO.
THAT'S NOT A THING PEOPLE DO.
- ARE THEY GOING AWAY YET?
- YEAH, THEY'RE GONE.
YOU'RE GOOD.
- [laughs]
- WHERE'S THE OTHER PUPPIES?
GET THE OTHER DOGS, DARLING.
- LOLLIPOP.
- COME ON, GIG.
WE'LL CUT SOME ROSES.
- PIKACHU, LOLLIPOP!
- MOST OF THE ROSES
HAVE BEEN CUT, ACTUALLY.
- GIG, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THE DEAD ONES THEN?
- I'M THROWING THEM...
DARLING, YOU DON'T NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT... ABOUT THIS.
I'VE GOT IT...
- OH, YOU'RE PUTTING THE DEAD
ONES IN WITH THE GOOD ONES.
- I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 32 YEARS. I GOT IT DOWN.
SO I WENT OVER TO SEE BRANDI.
NOT GOOD.
I THINK IT'S THE DOG SITUATION
THAT'S SENT HER,
YOU KNOW, REALLY
KIND OF OVER THE EDGE.
- IT'S STILL NOT THERE, IS IT?
- IT'S GONE, YOU KNOW?
AND I THINK SHE'S
NOT HAPPY WITH ME.
I'M KIND OF NAGGING HER,
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T.
MAYBE I SHOULD STEP BACK A BIT,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE I'M SAYING, "DON'T DRINK.
DON'T SWEAR. DON'T DO THIS."
I THINK,
"WHAT'S THE UPSIDE FOR ME?"
I'M SOUNDING LIKE A NAG.
SHE'S NOT MY CHILD.
SHE KIND OF, I THINK,
RESENTS ME FOR IT SOMETIMES,
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS
I LOVE HER,
AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S HER INTEREST AT HEART.
- SHE NEEDS A BOYFRIEND, REALLY,
TO LOOK AFTER HER.
- WE ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER...
IS THAT BRANDI COPES ALONE.
IT'S VERY DIFFERENT THAN
WHEN YOU'RE PART OF A COUPLE.
I THINK MAYBE THIS WEEK, WE'LL
JUST HAVE DINNER IN THE GARDEN.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JUST LOW-KEY.
- YEAH, THAT'D BE NICE.
- THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY ISSUES
BETWEEN JOYCE AND BRANDI.
- IF I'M ON MY PERIOD,
I'M A TOTAL BITCH,
SO SOMETIMES I GET UPSET.
- SO YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD NOW?
- [laughs]
JUST GET EVERYBODY TOGETHER,
AND SEE HOW WE GO.
I FEEL THAT MAYBE
WE SHOULD HAVE A DINNER,
MAYBE INVITE MARTIN, MOHAMED,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE
A BIT OF A HISTORY WITH JOYCE,
AND I'M HOPING
THAT MAYBE JOYCE AND BRANDI
COULD KIND OF SORT OUT
THEIR DIFFERENCES.
- GIGGY! [dog barks]
[laughs]
- THEY'RE SO COMPETITIVE.
WHY'S IT MEN AREN'T COMPETITIVE
LIKE THAT?
LOOK AT PIKACHU.
HE DOESN'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN
IF HE GETS IT OR NOT.
- GO ON, GIG, GET THE BALL.
- BUT WOMEN,
THEY'LL TEAR THEIR THROATS OUT.
[dog barking]
- COMING UP...
- SO WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY."
OH, MY GOD.
- SO I WANT YOU
TO SEE THIS VIDEO.
- OF KINGSLEY?
- YEAH.
KINGSLEY'S BEEN AWAY
AT DOGGY REHAB FOR ABOUT A WEEK.
IF I WERE KINGSLEY, WHAT WOULD I
BE THINKING WHILE I WAS AWAY?
"I WANT MY MOM, I WANT MY MOM."
[laughs]
OKAY. THAT'S IT.
- SO FROM THE BEGINNING?
- YEAH, THAT'S THE BEGINNING.
- HI, KIM. I'VE BROUGHT KINGSLEY
OUT TO NATURE.
SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS
WE'RE GONNA TAKE THE DOGS,
AND WE'RE GONNA RUN
THROUGH THE FOREST.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION
TO THE PACK.
AND IN A PACK SURVIVAL
MENTALITY,
THERE'S NO SELFISHNESS,
THERE'S NO "IT'S MY MOMMY."
YOU WORK TOGETHER. - "MY MOMMY."
- SO THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA HELP
REBUILD HA... KINGSLEY.
- LOOK. [laughs]
THAT IS SO CUTE!
LOOK IT, HE LOOKS LIKE
SUCH A LITTLE STUD THERE.
- YEAH, HE'S HAPPIER,
BECAUSE HE'S A DOG.
SEE, IF YOU BABY SOMEBODY,
THEN THEY BECOME A BABY,
AND THEY BECOME DEPENDENT
ON THAT PERSON.
- IT BECAME INSTINCTIVE TO WANT
TO BOND WITH THE PACK LEADER,
AND MOVE TOGETHER.
THEY FEEL SECURE LIKE THIS,
AND WE'VE GOT A DOG
THAT'S SMILING TODAY.
- THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
- RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- I FEEL SO HAPPY TO SEE
KINGSLEY WITH OTHER DOGS,
RUNNING IN THE WILDERNESS.
JUST... IT'S SO EXCITING.
HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.
- SEE, IF YOU SEE NOW,
HE ACTS MORE LIKE A DOG
THAN A HUMAN.
- BUT I LIKE HIM BOTH WAYS.
- THAT'S HOW DOGS...
I KNOW YOU DO.
- I'M JUST SAYING.
IT IS... - BUT HE'S NOT A BABY.
HE'S A DOG, AND IT MAKES HIM
MORE PROTECTIVE OF US.
- DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE HAD
THE PACIFIER IN HIS MOUTH?
- NO.
- IT WAS SO CUTE.
IT WAS VERY CUTE.
60% OF THE TIME, I LOVE
WHEN HE THINKS HE'S A BABY,
AND HE LAYS ON ME,
AND LAYS IN MY LAP.
WHILE YOU GUYS WERE ALL
MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIVES,
AND I'M LEARNING TO LET GO
OF YOU GUYS, I'VE COMPLETELY
LATCHED ONTO THIS DOG. - MM-HMM.
- KINGSLEY THINKS HE'S A LAPDOG,
AND LIKE, "GET OFF ME.
I CAN'T BREATHE." [laughs]
THAT 40% OF THE TIME, EH...
I THINK, "MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
BABY THE DOG ANYMORE."
BUT THEN I THINK, "YEAH,
WE SHOULD, IT'S KIND OF FUN."
I FEEL LIKE IT'S MAYBE
NEVER PERFECT.
- IT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
- IT'S JUST GOOD ENOUGH.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- THIS JUST FEELS GOOD TODAY.
REALLY GOOD, YOU KNOW?
- IT'S A NICE DAY.
- AW. LET'S WATCH IT AGAIN.
- HI, LOVE.
- HEY, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- MMM.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU,
BABY.
- WHEN I LOOK AT MY HUSBAND,
I SEE MY LOVE.
I SEE MY LOVE IN MY LIFE.
I DON'T SEE DAVID FOSTER.
- HERE WE GO.
- OH, YEAH. THERE WE GO.
THANK YOU.
- HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M DOIN' REALLY WELL. THANKS.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, ALLISON.
- ARE WE READY TO START
MUNCHING?
- YES.
- YOU KNOW, WE COULD... YEAH.
WE COULD DO FRIED OKRA, PLEASE.
- YEP.
- AN ORDER OF THAT.
AN ORDER OF THE SHRIMP TEMPURA
WITH SOY PAPER.
- JUST ONE? OKAY.
- YEAH, PLEASE.
WHICH YOU RAN OUT OF
THE OTHER NIGHT, BY THE WAY.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.
- I KNOW. I HEARD.
- I WANT SOME TOO,
SO LET'S HAVE TWO OF THOSE.
- WE'LL DO TWO OF THOSE?
- YES, PLEASE.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS.
- NICE PLANNING, MY LOVE.
GOOD JOB. I LIKE IT.
- THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART.
- IT'S HARD
TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS? - YES.
I'M A MUSICIAN.
I WRITE THE MUSIC
TO THOSE LOVE SONGS.
I VERY, VERY, VERY RARELY
WRITE THE LYRICS.
SO IT'S VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO PUT THINGS IN WORDS.
- BUT IT'S SO...
- IT'S EASY TO BUY SOMETHING.
- YEAH. DON'T BUY ME DIAMONDS.
JUST WRITE ME LOVE LETTERS.
- JUST WRITE... AND YOU'RE
NOT KIDDING. YOU STICK TO THAT.
- DAVID, LIKE MOST MEN,
YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM,
YOU GOT TO GROOM THEM, YOU GOTTA
ENCOURAGE THEM TO WRITE.
HE WAS A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.
I NEEDED TO SHINE HIM.
OKAY, READ IT TO ME,
BECAUSE THIS IS SO MUCH MORE...
- CAN I DO WITHOUT MY GLASSES?
- IT'S SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.
- "I MAY BE AN ORDINARY GUY,
"BUT I'M MARRIED
TO AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN.
"THE LAST SEVEN YEARS
HAVE BEEN THE BEST OF MY LIFE.
"YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
INSIDE AND OUT.
"YOUR GOODNESS SHINES A LIGHT
"ON EVERYONE
THAT COMES CLOSE TO YOU.
"MY LIFE ONLY MAKES SENSE
WITH YOU IN IT.
LOVE, YOUR HUSBAND."
AND THEN I PUT A P.S.,
"AND YOU'RE HOT."
- "AND YOU'RE HOT."
- AND YOU'RE HOT.
- EVEN WITH PIMPLES.
[laughs]
I LOVE YOU. - LOVE YOU, BABY.
WHEN I FIRST FELL IN LOVE
WITH YOLANDA,
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU,
IT WAS THE PHYSICAL FIRST.
IT WAS THE FIRST THING
THAT GOT MY ATTENTION,
BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT, THE HEART,
THE SOUL, MY MIND WAS BLOWN.
AND SHE'S HOT. LET'S BE HONEST.
- I DID THIS FOR YOU
IN THE SUMMER,
RIGHT BEFORE I GOT SICK.
IT WAS A LOT OF WORK,
BUT I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING
THAT YOU WILL HAVE FOREVER.
- THANKS, BABY.
- I THINK I'VE LEARNED
A PRETTY GOOD WAY OF BEING WISE
AND KEEPING THAT ROMANCE ALIVE.
- WOW! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.
- [laughs] SO WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY."
- REMEMBER THAT.
YOU CAN'T SHARE THAT
WITH ANYBODY. - OOH.
OH, MY GOD.
- YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT TO KEEP IT EXCITING,
SO WHATEVER IT TAKES,
YOU GOT TO DO IT,
BECAUSE IF YOU LET IT DIE,
ONCE IT'S DEAD, IT'S DEAD,
AND IT AIN'T COMIN' BACK.
[laughs]
- I CAN'T L... I'M GETTING
EMBARRASSED LOOKING.
- [laughs]
- AND IT'S MY OWN WIFE.
- "IT'S MY OWN WIFE." [laughs]
- THAT IS BEAUT... OH, MY GOD.
- WHEN I WAS 21,
I WAS IN AUSTRALIA,
AND THE PSYCHIC TOLD ME THAT
I WOULDN'T FIND MY TRUE LOVE
UNTIL I WAS 42 YEARS OLD.
- WOW.
- I MET MY HUSBAND AT 42.
SO I GUESS SOMETIMES,
YOU GOT TO WAIT
FOR THE GOOD THINGS TO COME,
YOU KNOW?
- THANK YOU, BABY.
- OH, I LOVE YOU, BABY.
- WOW.
NOW, THAT IS A PRESENT.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
- AND I WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO RECIPROCATE.
- [laughs]
- ME ON THE BEACH.
- [laughs]
- NUDE. NO.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. - THANK YOU.
- THAT'S REALLY PRETTY ON YOU.
LET ME SEE.
PUT YOUR SHOULDERS BACK.
STAND TALL.
I LIKE THAT ONE.
- I'M DOING A FUNDRAISER
FOR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL
LOS ANGELES,
AND I NEED TO SEE WHICH DRESSES
ARE GONNA FIT WHICH GIRLS,
AND WHAT LOOKS BEST ON THEM
FOR THE FASHION SHOW.
WELL, IF YOU FEEL GOOD IN THIS,
LET'S JUST STICK WITH THAT,
AND THEN WE'LL PICK
SOME OTHER LOOKS, OKAY,
WHEN THE NEXT BOX COMES.
- OKAY. OKAY.
- SO YOU'RE GOOD WITH THAT?
- MM-HMM.
- OKAY. AY-YI-YI.
FARRAH, DO YOU HAVE
THE NEXT DRESS ON?
- YEAH.
- I'VE NEVER DONE
A FASHION SHOW, AND NOW,
I'M WISHING I HAD CALLED IT A
"FASHION PRESENTATION" INSTEAD.
BECAUSE THAT FEELS LIKE
A LOT OF PRESSURE,
ESPECIALLY IN BEVERLY HILLS.
THANK YOU, LOVE. - LOVES IT. OW.
- OKAY,
CAN I CHANGE THE WORDING?
THIS IS FROM UNDERNEATH.
- I KNOW.
- THE FINGERPRINT
IS INSIDE OF HERE.
WATCH YOUR GRUBBY PAWS
WHEN YOU'RE TOUCHING
OUR VINTAGE CHANEL. - [laughs]
- HELLO. both: HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
- HI, BABE.
- IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME
IN MY STORE?
- YES.
- WELL, WELCOME.
- THIS IS IVETTE.
- HI.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- SO GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
- HI.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW ARE YOU? YOU TOO.
- HI.
- HI, GIRLS.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- WE HAVEN'T MET. I'M JOYCE.
- HI.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M JEN.
- HI. JEN?
[both speaking Spanish]
- HI. BRANDI.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- THIS IS ETIRSA.
- [speaking Spanish]
- JOYCE GOES INTO HER SPANISH
ALL THE TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
AND YOU'RE SAYING IT
TO MY BEST FRIEND,
AND SPEAKING SPANISH TO HER
LIKE SHE'S ENTERING SOME SPECIAL
CLUB THAT I'M NOT INVITED TO.
IT'S JUST REALLY BITCHY.
- BIENVENIDOS.
[laughter] - GRACIAS. GRACIAS.
KYLE IS LIKE,
"STOP IT WITH YOUR SPANISH."
- NO, I LOVE THE SPANISH.
I LOVE IT.
- BRANDI WAS RUDE TO ME
IN PALM SPRINGS,
AND SHE'S BEEN A BITCH SO FAR.
- JACQUELINE.
- JOYCE.
- "YOYCE"?
- JOYCE, JOYCE, JOYCE.
- JACQUELINE.
- LISA'S INVITED ME TO DINNER
TONIGHT,
BUT I'M A LITTLE BIT HESITANT,
BECAUSE KYLE WON'T BE COMING,
AND IT'S JUST GONNA BE
"THE DREAM TEAM."
IT'S JUST GONNA BE YOLANDA,
BRANDI, AND LISA.
- THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
FOR COMING.
IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME.
SO I'M GONNA HAVE, YOU KNOW,
SOME OF YOU GUYS WALKING AROUND,
AND THEN, AT SOME POINT,
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE,
LIKE, IN THE WINDOWS.
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, A LINE, YOU KNOW,
FOR A MINUTE.
- SHOULD WE DO THAT?
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
LIKE THIS, AND IN THE WINDOWS.
I HAD ALREADY ASKED
BRANDI AND JOYCE
IF THEY COULD MODEL
IN THE FASHION SHOW.
AFTER ALL, THEY WERE BOTH
PROFESSIONAL MODELS,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
ANY NEGATIVITY
ASSOCIATED WITH THIS PARTY
WHATSOEVER.
OKAY, WELL,
COME CHECK OUT THE STUFF,
AND SEE WHAT YOU GUYS WANT TO
WEAR, AND FEEL COMFORTABLE IN.
LET'S JUST HAVE IT BE
COPACETIC FOR ONCE.
- I LOVE IT. AMAZING.
- OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
- OOH. OKAY, REALLY CUTE.
- VA-VA-VOOM. I LOVE THAT.
- FOXY.
- OH, SEE? YEAH, I LIKE...
THAT LOOKS GREAT.
LOOK AT YOU. WHOO-HOO!
- OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT.
- THAT LOOKS GREAT. [laughter]
YEAH, THAT'S SUPER SEXY. - WHOO!
- THIS IS A LITTLE BIG.
- OH, BUT THAT LOOKS PRETTY
ON YOU, BUT IT IS A LITTLE BIG.
- I KNOW.
- IT'S VERY BIG.
- OKAY, ALL OF YOU GIRLS ARE
SO DARN THIN, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I MEAN, HOW SMALL
DO YOU HAVE TO BE? [laughs]
OKAY, LET ME SEE THIS.
- SO TINY.
- HONEY, HONEY.
- DO YOU WANT A CHEESEBURGER
WITH THAT DRESS?
OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT.
- I THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIG.
I JUST, LIKE... I THINK I HAVE
A LONG TORSO, SO...
- WELL, YOU'RE REALLY SKINNY.
WE ALREADY HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THE ZEROS
AND THE DOUBLE-ZEROS.
I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?
NEGATIVE ZERO?
OKAY. - I FEEL LIKE...
- I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED A LONG...
- GANGSTER BARBIE.
- GANGSTER BARBIE? [laughs]
- SOME CHAINS.
- IN BEVERLY HILLS,
ME BEING A SIZE FOUR
PRETTY MUCH MAKES ME
A PLUS-SIZE MODEL.
- IT'S BIG AGAIN.
- IT'S BIG AGAIN.
- HONEY, YOU'RE TOO THIN
FOR EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING IS BIG.
THERE'S NEVER TOO THIN,
TOO RICH, OR TOO SEXY.
- [laughs] I KNOW, I KNOW.
I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.
- OKAY, SO...
[sighs]
- I AM CONCERNED THAT
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PIECES,
AND I NEED TO GET SMALLER SIZES.
THESE GIRLS ARE TOO THIN.
- I'M...
- I'M NOT GONNA BE SEWING
THE DAY OF THE THING,
AND EITHER ARE YOU.
- [laughs] NO WAY.
- I DO NOT...
I CAN SEW A BUTTON,
AND THAT'S IT.
SO PULL WHATEVER WE HAVE.
- COMING UP...
- I'M GONNA TEACH THESE BOYS
A THING OR TWO.
WHOO! I LOVE IT.
[tires screeching]
I FEEL LIKE I DRIVE
LIKE THIS ANYWAY.
[laughter]
- I'M GONNA TEAR UP THIS TRACK.
I'M GONNA TEACH THESE BOYS
A THING OR TWO. [laughs]
KINGSLEY HAS FILLED
A LOT OF VOIDS FOR ME.
AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE THE DOG GO TO BOOT CAMP,
BECAUSE I'M GONNA MISS HIM, BUT
I KNEW IT WAS THE BEST THING.
- OH! HOW ARE YOU? OOH!
- HOW YOU DOIN'?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU KNOW WHAT? WE GOT...
- MY DAUGHTER, BROOKE.
MY SON, CHAD. MEET HARRISON.
- HOW ARE YOU? CHAD?
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- CHAD.
- CHAD. NICE MEETING YOU, CHAD.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- ONE OF THE THINGS
I'VE LEARNED FROM DAVID IS THAT
IN ORDER FOR KINGSLEY
TO START LISTENING TO ME,
I HAVE TO BE THE ALPHA,
AND I NEED TIME FOR ME.
- SO AWESOME.
- I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS THING
ABOUT CARS, AND MOTORCYCLES,
SO WHEN HARRISON INVITED ME
TO GET OUT ON THE TRACK,
I JUST THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOSH."
WHOO! I LOVE IT.
[laughs]
- WHOO-HOO.
[tires screeching]
- I FEEL LIKE I DRIVE
LIKE THIS ANYWAY.
[laughter]
JUST JOKING.
AND MY GRANDMA
USED TO TAKE ME TO WORK,
AND EVENTUALLY,
SHE COULDN'T SEE ANYMORE,
SO SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE.
SO REALLY, PRETTY MUCH BY 12,
MY GRANDMA WAS HAVING ME
DRIVE HER CAR INTO HOLLYWOOD,
INTO THE STUDIOS.
[tires screeching]
[laughs] WHOO!
- WHOO! [clapping]
THAT WAS AWESOME. WOW.
- HOW WAS IT?
- THAT WAS EXCITING.
SEE? WHOO!
- YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME.
- I THINK RACING CARS
IS JUST THE BEGINNING
OF THE NEW ALPHA KIM.
YES, I'M LOVIN' THIS.
- TIDY UP.
THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD LOOK,
NO LESS THAN THAT.
YOU'RE BAR MANAGER. - HI, PINKY.
- HEY. OH, HI.
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE HERE.
- I KNOW, I THOUGHT
I'D GET HERE A BIT EARLY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- [sighs] OKAY.
- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, BUT A LITTLE...
YOU KNOW. - WHAT?
- I NEED YOUR HELP,
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
- OKAY.
- YOU KNOW JOYCE?
- YEAH.
- YOU'RE GOOD WITH HER?
- OH, YEAH.
- THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU HERE.
WE DIDN'T GET OFF
TO A VERY GOOD START.
DO YOU REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?
IT WAS A BIT WEIRD?
- YEAH. YEAH.
- SHE KIND OF CAME AT ME,
OVER SOMETHING
THAT WAS TOTALLY STUPID,
MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
- I WAS JUST FIXING YOUR HAIR,
AND YOU WENT, "I DON'T CARE."
- SO IS THAT YOUR POINT?
- YOU WERE SO RUDE TO ME.
- SO I THINK IT'S BETTER
IF WE HAVE, LIKE,
THIS KIND OF FIRST DINNER,
TRYING TO BRIDGE THE GAP
WITH YOU AND MOHAMED.
- YEAH, SO IT'S LIKE, SHE'LL
FEEL A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I SPECIFICALLY INVITED
MOHAMED AND MARTIN,
BECAUSE JOYCE HAS A FRIENDSHIP
WITH THEM.
IT'S A COMMON DENOMINATOR,
SO WE CAN MOVE FORWARD.
- BUSY IN HERE TONIGHT.
- IT'S LESBIAN NIGHT TONIGHT.
IT'S GONNA GET STARTED.
- OH, OKAY.
THAT EXPLAINS...
- WHY THERE'S
SO MANY LESBIANS HERE?
- THERE'S NO MEN.
[both laughing]
THERE'S NO MEN.
BRANDI'S STARTIN' TO LOOK GOOD
ALL OF A SUDDEN.
[both laughing]
- YOU'D LOVE BRANDI. LIAR.
- [humming] HELLO.
- I KNOW, LOOKS SO GOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- YEAH?
- IT'S FANTASTIC.
- YEAH.
- THE SPARKLES?
- UH-HUH.
- IT'S LOOKIN' GOOD.
- NOW, ARE THOSE SPARKLES
GONNA SIT ON TOP OF THE STAGE,
OR DO YOU WANT TO COME DOWN?
- NO, 'CAUSE I THINK
THAT MIGHT BE A HAZARD,
ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DRINKING
ON STAGE.
- YEAH? [laughs]
- YES, I MIGHT GO ASS OVER TIT.
WHEN I FIRST MET DAVID,
IT WAS HANDCUFFS,
IT WAS CAT O' NINE TAILS,
IT WAS FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
NAKED.
IT WAS ALL THOSE THINGS.
WE'VE OBVIOUSLY CURTAILED THAT,
HAVING CHILDREN,
AS FAR AS ME RUNNING AROUND
IN MY OUTFITS, OR LACK OF.
AND I WANT TO HAVE A ROOM
WHERE I CAN JUST BE WHO I WAS
WHEN DAVID FIRST MET ME.
WHERE ARE WE GONNA LAND?
SO WE HAVE... IT'S 8 INCHES HIGH?
- IT'S ABOUT 8 INCHES HIGH.
7 3/4 TO 8 INCHES HIGH,
AND IT'S GONNA BE 12 FEET WIDE.
- BRILLIANT.
- 5 FEET OUT.
- YES.
- SO THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU ABOUT
2 1/2 FEET TO SWIRL AROUND,
AND RUN INTO THE WALL.
- THE ROOM IS RED,
SO IT SIGNIFIES PASSION,
AND JUST NO INHIBITIONS,
AND LOVE, AND NAUGHTINESS.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT ON,
WITH THE... WITH IT ALREADY
UP THERE THOUGH?
- GET WHAT ON? I CAN GET IT ON.
- HOW DID YOU GET IT ON?
"AH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH." - [laughs]
- DOES IT... DOES IT STICK?
[laughs] - YES, VERY STICKY.
- [laughs]
- SHUT UP.
THE STAGE IS DEFINITELY GONNA BE
LONG ENOUGH, THAT IF I HAVE...
UM...
A FRIEND TO DANCE WITH,
WE CAN DANCE.
MIKEY, SHOULD I COME
BACK DOWN IN... WHEN?
- I'D COME DOWN
IN ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO.
WE'LL HAVE ALL THE FRAMING DONE,
AND THEN WE CAN START
PUTTING THE WOOD FLOOR ON.
AND YOU CAN TELL ME
EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT THE POLE.
- YAY.
- OH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHERE I WANT IT. [laughter]
- BABY.
- THAT'S WHY I LOVE
WORKIN' WITH YOU.
[both squealing and laughing]
- YOU TELL HIM
WHERE YOU WANT IT.
- YEAH.
- [laughs]
- HI, BEAUTIFUL.
- HEY. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE GREEN SHOES.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WHY?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH GREEN SHOES?
'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT PINK?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO PINK?
- YEAH, KEN'S WALKING AROUND
WITH HIS GIGGY IN HIS HAND,
APPARENTLY.
- I KNOW, HE DOESN'T EVEN FLIRT
WITH ME ANYMORE. - OH, HE WILL.
- I WILL. I CAN.
- HE CAN.
- [indistinct]
- IT WAS PROBABLY WHEN YOU
CALLED ME
A "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY" THAT HE
STOPPED FLIRTING WITH YOU.
- IT WASN'T THAT...
I DIDN'T...
- YES, YOU... YEAH... YEAH...
- NO, I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT.
- YEAH, YOU DID.
- BUT I'M...
I SAY IT WITH KINDNESS.
- NO, I'M NOT TALK... NO,
I DON'T WANT IT WITH ANY KIND,
ANYTHING, NOTHING.
- OH. OH, OH, OKAY.
IT'S... JOYCE IS...
JOYCE IS COMING TONIGHT.
- [laughs]
- WELL, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- NO, THAT'S GREAT.
I SAW HER TODAY, ACTUALLY,
AT A FITTING. - OH, YOU DID?
- AT KYLE'S STORE. YEAH, WE...
I WAS WITH JENNIFER AND ETIRSA,
AND WE WENT IN,
AND JOYCE WAS THERE
WITH HER FRIEND,
AND I SAID HELLO.
I WAS VERY NICE.
- DID YOU SAY
YOU WERE HAVING DINNER TONIGHT?
- NO, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY REALIZE
SHE WAS COMING.
[laughter] - MAYBE SHE'S NOT.
- TONIGHT, I'M NOT
LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING JOYCE.
I'M NOT IN A GREAT,
SOCIABLE MOOD.
[sighs]
- OKAY, I KNOW.
- I'M VERY SAD.
- WHY ARE YOU SAD?
- MY PUPPY'S GONE.
I'VE JUST BEEN VERY DARK
AND DEPRESSED.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
JUST CALL HER "JACQUELINE."
- I CAN'T HELP IT.
- YOU HAVE TO HELP IT.
- IT'S... HONEST, I DON'T MEAN IT.
I-I SAID IT...
- YOU HAVE TO.
WELL, DON'T CALL HER ANYTHING.
- I-I... THIS MORNING,
I WAS VERY GOOD.
- DON'T CALL HER WHAT?
- JACQUELINE.
SHE ALWAYS CALLS HER JACQUELINE.
- I GET THE NAMES CONFUSED.
- YOU CALL JOYCE "JACKIE"?
- BECAUSE... I SAY "JACQUELINE..."
- NO, DON'T.
- BECAUSE IT SOUNDS MORE LATIN
TO ME THAN JOYCE,
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS
LIKE AN OLDER
WHITE WOMAN'S NAME.
- I THINK IT'S "JOYCELINA."
- IT'S "JOYCECITA."
- "JOYCECITA."
- WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- "JOYCE" IS GOOD.
- I JUST...
I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER IT.
- J...
- JUST DON'T CALL HER ANYTHING.
- SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE
"JACQUELINE."
LIKE A JACLYN SMITH,
OR A JACQUELINE BISSET.
YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T LOOK
LIKE A JOYCE.
I UNDERSTAND
WHAT BRANDI'S SAYING,
BUT NOW, SHE NEEDS
TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
OKAY, SO WE'RE OVER HERE.
- OKAY.
- WE GOT THE GARDEN TONIGHT.
- OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT SMELLS AMAZING, AS WELL.
- NO, THAT'S ME.
- NO, IT SMELLS LIKE FOOD.
YOU SMELL LIKE ROSES
AND DIAMONDS.
NOT THAT DIAMONDS SMELL.
- UM, OKAY.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT... YEAH,
I'M NOT GONNA SIT AT THE...
- HEAD.
- IT'S GONNA BE CASUAL HERE,
ANYWAY.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT AT THE...
- [both gasping]
- IT'S A LEAF.
- OH, MY GOD. JESUS.
- IT'S A LEAF. OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE GETTING LIKE KYLE.
- NO, I'M NOT GETTING LIKE KYLE.
- YOU SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME.
- I AM. I GET JUMPY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU TWO ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
[laughter] - YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- HI.
- LONG TIME NO SEE.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GREAT. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- HEY.
- HI.
- OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THAT DRESS.
- WOW.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YEAH, BORROW THIS.
TAKE THIS. [laughs]
- I'M GOING TO. LISTEN,
I'M SHOPPING
IN BOTH YOUR CLOSETS.
- OH, YEAH. I'LL BRING...
YOU CAN BRING THIS.
- HEY, BABY.
- HEY, KEN. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- HELLO.
- OH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
HOW ARE YOU?
- LOOK AT HER, EATING AWAY.
- MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON?
- SHOVED OUR FACES WITH FOOD
RIGHT AS YOU WALKED IN.
- LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL
ALL THESE GIRLS ARE,
AND THEN, OF COURSE, MARTIN
LOOKS VERY HANDSOME TONIGHT.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO.
- I DEFINITELY ADORE SHIVA.
SHE'S A GREAT ADDITION
TO OUR FAMILY.
IF MOHAMED LEAVES SHIVA,
WE'RE ALL GOING WITH SHIVA.
SO HE'S GONNA BE VERY LONELY.
- CHEERS.
- WHERE ARE JOYCE AND MICHAEL?
- WHAT TIME DID YOU TELL HER
TO BE HERE?
- LIKE, HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- MMM, THAT'S POLITE.
- SAME TIME AS YOU.
- WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
- DID YOU TELL HER VILLA BLANCA?
- YES, EXACTLY.
[laughter] - OKAY.
- BUT SHE'S ALWAYS SEEMED
VERY NICE TO ME. I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I'VE... YOU KNOW.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE LIKES TO STIR THE POT,
AND MAKE THINGS OUT OF NOTHING.
- OH, OKAY.
- AND THERE'S THIS WHOLE
ONE-UP THING.
IT'S LIKE, IF I SAY,
"I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS,"
SHE SAYS, "I'M PETRIFIED."
- OKAY.
- IF I SAY... IF SOMEBODY SAYS
"OUR HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO,"
"WE HAD ARMED ROBBERS
IN OUR HOUSE."
- OKAY.
- MY DOG GOT LOST.
"OH, MY GOD...
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MY DOG..."
- "WE LOST TEN DOGS." [laughs]
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND I WAS LIKE...
I LOST IT A LITTLE BIT,
'CAUSE I WAS CRYING.
I WAS UPSET ABOUT MY DOG.
- I LOST A DOG BEFORE, SO...
- [sighs] IT'S NOT
A [bleep] COMPETITION, JOYCE.
- THERE'S A HIDDEN AGENDA,
OR SOMETHING?
- NO, I JUST THINK
THAT HAS TO ONE-UP.
IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING'S
A COMPETITION,
AND, LIKE, WELCOME TO PAGEANTRY.
I NEVER DID PAGEANTS,
SO I HAVE NO IDEA.
NOT THAT THAT'S A...
IT DOESN'T MAKE HER A BAD...
- WELL, IT IS
A VERY COMPETITIVE WORLD.
- YEAH, IT DOESN'T MAKE HER
A BAD PERSON.
IT JUST MAKES HER
ANNOYING AS [bleep].
IT'S LIKE IT HAS TO BE
ABOUT JOYCE ALL THE TIME.
SHE HAS TO BE
THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
IT'S EXHAUSTING.
- THAT'S PRETTY.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. HI.
- HELLO. HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
- HI.
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.
- HI. THANK YOU.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
- LOOKS BEAUTIFUL,
THIS COLOR ON YOU. - YOU TOO.
WE'RE IN THE RED AND THE ORANGE.
- HI.
- HEY, MICHAEL.
- HELLO. GREAT TO SEE YOU.
[both speaking in German]
- TO ME,
BRANDI IS CHOPPED LIVER,
UNTIL SHE ACKNOWLEDGES
THAT SHE'S DONE SOMETHING WRONG,
BUT BECAUSE LISA
HAS SENT ME A TEXT SAYING,
"LET'S START FRESH."
I'M GONNA GO WITH IT,
AND I'M GONNA JUST TRY
TO START FRESH WITH HER.
- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
ARE THE REASON WHY I CAME.
- REALLY?
- YES.
- OH, MY GOD. [laughs]
I THINK... I THINK LISA
IS THE REASON YOU CAME.
- NO, I THINK IT'S ME.
- NO, WHEN YOU SAID
OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS ARE COMING...
- NICE TO SEE YOU, NICE
TO SEE YOU, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY.
- HI.
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD. OH, MY GOD.
- I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN
MOVE FORWARD AND MEND THINGS
WHEN JOYCE COMPLETELY SNUBS ME
AND SAYS SHE'S ONLY HERE
BECAUSE MOHAMED'S HERE.
I'M LIKE,
"WHY THE [bleep] AM I HERE?"
- FILL THIS UP,
BEFORE I MURDER A PUERTO RICAN.
- OF COURSE.
- COMING UP...
- YOU SAID,
"LISA CAN GIVE CRITICISM,
BUT SHE CAN'T TAKE IT."
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!
- THAT'S WHAT... YES, YOU DID.
- YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN.
- I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE FISH TONIGHT.
HE HAVE HAND-ROASTED
CHILEAN SEA BASS,
THAT'S SERVED ITALIAN-STYLE,
WITH ROASTED VEGETABLES
ON THE SIDE.
- I THINK I MIGHT WANT TO DO
THE WARM CHICKEN SALAD.
- IT'S NOT ON THE MENU, BUT...
- WHICH ONE?
- THE WARM CHICKEN SALAD.
- OH, IT'S AMAZING.
- A LOT OF RESTAURANTS,
THEY DON'T GIVE YOU THE LIBERTY
TO ORDER OFF THE MENU.
YOU CAN'T RUN A BUSINESS
LIKE THAT.
- I'M GONNA HAVE
THE VEAL MILANESE.
- OKAY.
- BUT INSTEAD OF THE MOZZARELLA,
AND ALL THIS,
I JUST WANT, LIKE,
ARUGULA AND PARMESAN.
- PEOPLE ARE VERY MUCH LIKE,
"I WANT THE CHICKEN SALAD
WITHOUT THE SALAD."
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.
SO YOU HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE
EVERYBODY,
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE USED TO.
- BEET SALAD,
BUT INSTEAD OF THE BLEU CHEESE,
SHE'S GONNA HAVE GOAT CHEESE.
- SURE.
- I'VE HAD SOMEBODY BROUGHT
THEIR OWN SAUSAGES
INTO MY RESTAURANT,
AND ASK ME TO COOK THEM.
THERE'S NOTHING
THAT SURPRISES ME.
- YOU WAITING ON ME?
- I'VE BEEN WAITING ON YOU
FOR 30 YEARS.
- [laughs]
- THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
- LISA, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. CHEERS.
- YOLANDA, CHEERS.
- CHEERS.
- HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW...
HOW DO YOU ALL KNOW EACH OTHER?
- I HAVE KNOWN MICHAEL,
AND I'VE KNOWN...
I'VE KNOWN BOTH THEM SEPARATELY.
- BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED?
- BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO FUNNY.
- PROBABLY ABOUT 15...
- WELL, MOHAMED I MET...
NO, MOHAMED I MET, LIKE,
WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE,
WHICH HAS BEEN ALMOST 12 YEARS.
- DID YOU GUYS EVER DATE?
- NO.
- DID YOU?
- OH, THE TWO OF US, YOU MEAN?
- HUH?
- NO, I KNOW. YOU GUYS.
- NEVER.
- YEAH, EXACTLY. [laughter]
- SHE SAID, "I THINK SO."
- IT WAS ONLY SEXUAL.
PURELY SEXUAL. PURELY SEXUAL.
- PURELY SEXUAL
IN MOHAMED'S HEAD. [laughter]
- NO, I THINK MET YOU... I THINK
COUPLE YEARS BEFORE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, COULD BE.
WELL, YEAH, COULD BE.
COULD BE.
- MAYBE AT THE SAME TIME.
- 10 YEARS, 12 YEARS.
- YEAH, 12 YEARS AGO.
- SO JOYCE, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU TO
MEET ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
YOU GOT LISA, MOST AMAZING LADY
IN LOS ANGELES.
- I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THEM.
- MY EX-WIFE...
- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WHEN...
- I'M JUST GETTING TO KNOW THEM.
IT'S BEEN SO-SO.
THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
THAT, THEY ARE.
THEY'RE ALL GORGEOUS.
- IT'S A VERY...
IT'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE TABLE
FOR EVERYONE.
- PERFECTION.
- THAT THEY ARE.
THEY'RE GORGEOUS. - GORGEOUS.
- GORGEOUS LADIES.
NOT THE EASIEST OF GROUPS.
- NOT THE OF EASIEST.
- NOT THE OF EASIEST GROUPS,
BUT GORGEOUS LADIES.
- THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU FIND US PRETTY EASY,
I'D SAY.
- YOU THINK SO. YOU THINK SO.
- YEAH, I'M VERY...
- WHY DO YOU SAY, "NOT EASY"?
- NOT THE EASIEST.
- TO YOU?
- BUT LET'S SAY...
- TO YOU?
- NO, NO, NO. TO ME, FINE.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM.
- TO HIS WIFE.
- BUT WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW,
WE ARE ONE TEAM.
- BUT HE'S KIND OF THE TYPE...
- WE ARE ONE, WE ARE ONE.
- WHO IS NOT THE... TRUE.
- WE ARE ONE.
- WHO... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- LET'S NOT GO THERE.
WE ARE ALL HERE TO CELEBRATE.
- WE'RE HERE. WE'RE MENDING.
- WELL, BUT IT'S...
- WE'RE JUST STARTING OVER,
STARTING FRESH.
- MY WIFE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED
IN PALM SPRINGS.
BRANDI SIMPLY CROSSED THE LINE,
AND IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR ME.
BUT THIS DINNER IS MEANT FOR
ALL OF US TO COME BACK TOGETHER,
AND SORT OUT ALL THE ISSUES.
- I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING.
LISA IS THE SWEETEST,
THE MOST GENTLE, GENEROUS WOMAN
YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR LIFE.
AND THIS IS THE TRUTH.
- THAT IS SO NOT TRUE, BUT...
[laughter] - THAT IS TRUE.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK MY...
- I TAKE YOUR WORD ON IT.
- HOW 'BOUT THIS?
I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
I'LL DISCOVER IT ON MY OWN,
BUT I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD.
- LISTEN, I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU WILL FIND IT TO BE.
- I HOPE. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
- YOU'LL FIND TO BE CORRECT.
- WELL, THE MEN ARE ALWAYS
THE EASY ONES. THEY'RE, LIKE,
THEY'RE EASYGOING, THEY WANT...
THEY DON'T WANT THE DRAMA,
THEY SIT BACK.
I CALL MEN "SIMPLE CREATURES,"
AND NOT IN A BAD WAY.
- NO, NO. I THINK WE ARE EASIER,
NO QUESTION.
BUT IF SOMEBODY HAS A PROBLEM
WITH MY WIFE,
THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME.
- BUT STILL, MICHAEL,
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS,
WE GOT TO... WE GOT TO...
- NO, NO, SURE.
- AND THE GUYS CANNOT
GET INVOLVED.
- IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN WITH ME.
- BUT, JOYCE, TO BE HONEST,
I WILL SAY TO YOU,
WE'VE HAD MU... WE HAVE
A LOT OF MUTUAL FRIENDS.
- WE HAVE ONE MUTUAL FRIEND.
- NO, I MEAN,
I KNOW JANELLE,
AND I ALSO KNOW KRISTAL.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, SO WE HAVE
TWO MUTUAL FRIENDS.
- SO TWO MUTUAL FRIENDS, YEAH.
- THEY DON'T SPEAK HIGHLY
OF YOU.
- YES, THEY DO.
- NO, THEY DON'T.
- WELL, THEY SHOULD TELL ME
TO MY FACE, BECAUSE
THEY DON'T SPEAK HIGHLY OF YOU.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- OKAY, LET'S...
- OH, YES THEY DO.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
JANELLE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
- REALLY?
- OKAY, WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING...
OKAY...
I DON'T WANT TO START THIS.
- YOU... SHE STARTED IT, ACTUALLY.
- OR IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T SPEAK...
- I GAVE YOU ADVICE,
AND YOU TOOK IT,
AND YOU TWISTED IT
INTO SOMETHING IT WASN'T.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- YOU DID.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- WHAT ADVICE?
WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT LISA?
- NO.
WHEN I TOLD YOU... YES, I SAID,
"LISA'S VERY SENSITIVE.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER,
YOU SHOULD SPEAK TO HER."
- THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.
- I DID. THAT IS WHAT I SAID.
LET'S SAY WHAT YOU SAID.
YOU SAID,
"LISA CAN GIVE CRITICISM,
BUT SHE CAN'T TAKE IT.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!
- YES, YOU DID.
- YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- NO, NO, NO,
DON'T CALL HER STUPID.
DON'T EVEN GO... DON'T DO THAT.
- NO, YOU ARE STUPID.
- THE ONLY ONE THAT PROVED
SO FAR YOU ARE STUPID IS YOU.
- BEING A... YOU'RE A RACIST.
YOU'RE A RACIST, A BULLY.
- DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
- I'M RACIST?
- YOU ARE A RACIST.
DIDN'T YOU FORGET HOW YOU
IN PALM SPRINGS TELL ME...
- STOP THIS.
- I'M LIKE A BLACK PERSON
BECAUSE I DON'T SWIM?
WHEN I'M JUST BEING HONEST,
AND TELLING YOU
THAT I DON'T SWIM.
THAT'S DISGUSTING TO ME.
I CAN'T SWIM.
- YOU'RE A BLACK PERSON.
- [laughs] WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- OKAY, THEN TALK
TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND,
'CAUSE HE WAS BLACK. I DON'T
THINK I'M [bleep] RACIST, BITCH.
- THAT'S VERY RACIST. YES.
I WILL NOT ALLOW HER
TO BE RACIST.
I WILL NOT ALLOW HER
TO BULLY ME.
I'M DONE. I TRIED TO BE A LADY,
BUT SHE'S MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE,
TO THE POINT WHERE
I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.
- LISTEN,
PEOPLE SAY CRAZY STUFF.
I SKI, AND PEOPLE SAY,
"WHY WOULD YOU SKI?
YOU ARE AN ARAB.
YOU KNOW, ALL YOU HAVE IS SAND."
SO THAT... I DON'T THINK
IT'S THEY'RE RACIST.
THEY JUST... PEOPLE JOKE AROUND.
- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE MET ME
WITH MY BEST FRIENDS
THIS MORNING.
- YEAH, HOLD ON. LET ME JUST...
- ONE IS BLACK,
AND ONE IS LATIN. I'M NOT...
- EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHY YOU
BROUGHT HER, SO THAT
IT WOULDN'T LOOK BAD ON YOU.
- OH!
- THAT IS [bleep] RACIST!
YOU KNOW WHY I BROUGHT HER?
ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING?
- SHE'S ACTUALLY BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S ACTUALLY AMAZING.
I LOVE HER.
- SHE'S STUNNING.
- SHE'S GORGEOUS.
- YOU LOVE HER?
I'VE BEEN HER BEST FRIEND
FOR 20 [bleep] YEARS.
OH, ASK HER IF I'M...
- YOU SHOULD LEARN FROM THEM.
THEY'RE QUITE CLASSY.
- ASK HER IF I'M RACIST.
- THEY'RE BOTH QUITE CLASSY,
ACTUALLY.
- OH, MY GOD.
[all speaking at once]
- STOP IT. STOP.
- LISTEN, THAT'S NOT THE INTENT
OF THIS DINNER,
BUT THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- I DIDN'T COME FOR THIS.
SHE'S THE ONE
THAT BROUGHT IT UP.
- W-WHO... I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU...
WHY DO YOU BRING
SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP?
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- YOU ACT LIKE A BULLY
IN PALM SPRINGS
WHEN I'M JUST HOSTING,
WHEN MY HUSBAND ORGANIZE...
- I ACT LIKE A BULLY?
- YES, YOU DID ACT LIKE A BULLY.
- YEAH. I... OKAY.
- WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS BULLIED
IN HIGH SCHOOL
FOR BEING CALLED "HOY-SAY,"
AND THERE YOU ARE, REPEATING IT
OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER.
- JACQUELINE'S NOT
A LATINA NAME.
- IT'S MORE SO THAN "YOYCE."
- ACTUALLY, "YOYCE"
I REALLY HATE,
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,
THEY WOULD GO, "HOY-SAY."
[neighs]
- YOU NEED TO LEARN
WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
- NO.
- EXCUSE ME.
WHICH PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?
- WHICH PLANET ARE YOU IN?
- I LIVE ON EARTH.
WHERE DO YOU [bleep] LIVE?
- EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CONDONE
OF THE THINGS
THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH
SOMETIMES,
BRANDI'S NOT MY DAUGHTER,
SHE'S MY FRIEND.
- [laughs]
- YOU LIVE ON PLANET TRASH.
- [laughs] I LIVE WITH YOU HERE,
UNFORTUNATELY, RIGHT NOW.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU'RE ON PLANET TRASH.
- NO, I DON'T.
- I LIVE WITH YOU HERE, SOMEHOW.
- LISTEN, IF YOU'RE SAYING
YOU LIVE ON PLANET TRASH,
AND YOU'RE SAYING SHE'S TACKY
AND SHE'S A RACIST,
AND SHE RESPONDS BY SAYING,
"GO [bleep] YOURSELF,"
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
- NO, BECAUSE
THAT WAS A RACIST COMMENT, SO
YOU COULD UNDERSTAND THAT TOO.
- I'M JUST SAYING, LET IT GO.
- I KNOW SHE'S YOUR FRIEND,
AND YOU'RE...
I AM TRYING TO LET IT GO.
SHE'S BRINGING IT BACK.
- I FEEL LIKE THEY JUST
INVITED ME INTO THE LION'S DEN,
AND SAID,
"WHATEVER BRANDI SAYS IS OKAY,
BUT JOYCE, YOU SHUSH."
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- THAT'S FINE.
- YOU WERE BULLYING ME.
- I WAS NOT BULLYING YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
- LET IT GO,
AND HAVE A NICE DINNER.
AT LEAST ENJOY THE FOOD.
- JOYCE, YOU HAD TO MAKE IT
ABOUT YOU,
AND IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS PATHETIC.
AND HONESTLY, EVERY TIME
SOMEBODY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY,
YOU WOULD ONE-UP THEM. LIKE,
I GOT THE CALL OF MY DOG
GETTING LOST.
I WAS VERY UPSET, OBVIOUSLY,
STILL AM, AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD. I REMEMBER
WHEN MY DOG GOT LOST."
IT HAS TO BE ABOUT JOYCE,
AND IT'S LIKE... IT'S EXHAUSTING.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE EXCUSING YOUR BEHAVIOR
ON LOSING YOUR PUPPY?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT,
BRANDI. ZERO.
IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.
I TOLD YOU,
AND THESE WERE LITERALLY
MY WORDS.
"BRANDI, I'M NOT FIGHTING.
I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU,
BECAUSE I FEEL FOR YOU."
- BUT IS THIS REALLY WORTH
GOING OVER NOW? IS IT REALLY?
I DON'T SEE THE POINT OF IT.
- WELL, SHE SPOKE
ABOUT THE PUPPY,
SO WHY CAN'T I GIVE MY SIDE?
BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR CLOSER FRIEND
THAN ME?
- NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
[all speaking at once]
- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- I KNOW, BUT DON'T...
DON'T GET INVOLVED. - LISTEN,
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOU DOWN.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
- BRING IT, BITCH.
- BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING...
OH, DON'T.
- BRANDI'S BEING INAPPROPRIATE
AND PROVOCATIVE,
AND I AM IN A POSITION
THAT I WANT TO CHASTISE HER,
BUT I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT TO JUST
REALLY BACK OFF A LITTLE BIT,
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA HELP
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BRANDI.
THE WHOLE POINT OF TONIGHT IS
TO LEAVE BEHIND ALL THIS STUFF,
AND TO GO FORWARD.
- I DID WANT TO LEAVE IT BEHIND,
BUT IF SHE STARTS INSTIGATING,
AND SHE WANTS TO HEAR THE TRUTH,
SHE'S A BULLY, A RACIST,
AND AN INSTIGATOR.
[all speaking at once]
- I'M NOT A RACIST, OKAY?
- UM, YES.
- SHE'S NOT RACIST.
SHE'S NOT RACIST.
- OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE DINNER.
- JOYCE.
- I DON'T WANT TO GET IN...
JOYCE, MY LOVE,
IT'S CALLED A JOKE.
- THAT'S RUDE ACTUALLY.
THAT'S... AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM BLACK.
PUERTO RICANS ARE BLACK,
THEY'RE INDIAN,
AND THEY'RE SPANISH.
- SO ARE CUBANS, AND THAT'S
WHO I [bleep] MARRIED,
AND THAT'S WHO I HAD
[bleep] KIDS WITH.
SHUT THE [bleep] UP.
- [bleep].
- COMING UP...
- DON'T ACT LIKE A BIMBO.
YOU'RE JUST BLONDE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A BIMBO.
- GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, I WISH I DON'T
NEED TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET
WITH YOU.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- THEN GO BACK TO WHEREVER
THE [bleep] YOU'RE FROM.
- WE GOT TO MOVE ON FROM...
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, HONESTLY.
- VERY SMART.
- I MEAN, JESUS.
- IT IS RIDICULOUS.
- IN THE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS,
IT'S JUST ALL
SUCH UNIMPORTANT STUFF.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW, AND WE JUST NEED...
WE NEED TO STAY FOCUSED
ON THE REAL THINGS IN LIFE,
AND THE REAL IMPORTANCE
OF THINGS,
BECAUSE REALLY, HONEST,
WHEN I'M JUST LISTENING TO THIS,
IT JUST SEEMS SO PETTY.
- BUT YOLANDA, YOU CAN'T HAVE ME
AT A DINNER, SITTING HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF YOU,
AND BE QUIET.
THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
I'M NOT JUST GONNA BE QUIET.
YOU HAVE THE DREAM TEAM,
WHATEVER YOU NAME IT.
- CARLTON, BRANDI, AND LISA
GOT A HEART.
- YES, MY TEAM, THE DREAM TEAM.
[laughter]
- YOU DID CALL THEM THAT.
- AND I'M SITTING HERE.
I'M SITTING HERE WITH MY WIFE...
- IT'S A JOKE.
- IF I HAVE TO BE QUIET
ABOUT IT...
- NOT A CUTE JOKE.
IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL JOKE.
- IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE,
WE GET OVER THAT.
WE'RE OVER THAT.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU,
AND... AND SECOND OF ALL,
THE DREAM TEAM... COME ON.
- WHEN YOU DO LITTLE HEARTS,
IT'S VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
IT SETS THE WRONG TONE.
IT'S VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
- IT'S NOT...
IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL.
- BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE UNCONSCIOUS DOESN'T LIE.
YOU CAN'T BE BEST FRIENDS
WITH EVERYBODY.
ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS
CAN YOU BE "BEST FRIENDS"
WITH THE WHOLE WORLD.
RESPECT AND FRIENDSHIP
ARE EARNED OVER TIME.
YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP IN
AND PRETEND THAT EVERYBODY'S A...
- BUT IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
- I AGREE 100%.
- IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET,
BUT IT TAKES TIME.
- IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET,
IT'S NOT A ONE-WAY STREET,
- I AGREE 100%.
- BUT IT TAKES TIME.
- I THINK
THIS LITTLE "DREAM TEAM"
IS USED TO GETTING THEIR WAY,
AND EVERYBODY JUST SHUTS UP.
UNFORTUNATELY,
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE,
SO BRING IT ON.
IT WAS VERY HIGH SCHOOL.
- WELL, EXACTLY.
- I HAVE NO MORE TO SAY.
TO ME, IT'S SOMETHING
SO LITTLE AND HIGH SCHOOL,
I WOULD NEVER BRING IT UP,
BUT FOR NO REASON,
YOU WERE JUST RUDE.
FOR NO REASON,
YOU WERE BEING A BULLY.
- I WAS NOT BULLYING YOU.
- YES, YOU WERE.
- THAT'S NOT BULLYING.
- "JOYCE IS A BIG, FAT PIG."
WHAT IS THAT?
- JOYCE IS A BIG, FAT PIG.
- [laughs] YOU CANNOT SAY THAT.
- I CAN SAY THAT.
- OKAY, CALM DOWN.
- SHE STARTED IT.
- NO, I'M MAD.
YOU'RE A SMART GIRL.
DON'T ACT LIKE A BIMBO.
YOU'RE JUST BLONDE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT A BIMBO.
- GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
- STOP YOUR LANGUAGE, BRANDI.
- YOU'RE TRASH.
YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF TRASH.
- I MEAN IT.
- [bleep] YOU, DUDE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"[bleep] YOU, DUDE"?
- OH, MY GOD,
YOU ARE SUCH A TRASH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WISH I DON'T NEED TO LIVE
ON THIS PLANET WITH YOU.
I'M SERIOUS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- THEN GO BACK
TO WHEREVER THE [bleep]
YOU'RE FROM.
- NEXT TIME, ON THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...
- I'M DEPRESSED.
LIKE, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
I'M NOT LYING.
I [bleep] TELL THE TRUTH.
[sobs] - IT'S OKAY.
I LOVE YOU. ARE YOU OKAY?
- [crying] NO, IT'S FINE.
THIS IS WHAT COMES OUT,
"[bleep] YOU.
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
[bleep] OFF."
BECAUSE I JUST...
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT IT'S... IT'S JUST...
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THAT.
- [sighs]
- THAT'S A BIT OF A BITCH.
I'M BEING A PUSSY. SORRY.
[screams]
[clatter]
- DID SOMETHING BREAK?
OH, NO! OH, [bleep].
SHE'S DEAD.
SHE'S HAD
ONE TOO MANY COCKTAILS.
- THE WORK THAT YOU ARE DOING
HERE TONIGHT,
AND THE WORK THAT WE WILL
CONTINUE TO DO TOGETHER
WILL CHANGE THE LIVES
OF THESE CHILDREN FOREVER.
- BRANDI HAS BEEN ATTACKING ME,
AND YOU GUYS JUST
MAKE EXCUSES FOR HER.
- LOOK, I'M NOT MAKING EXCUSES
FOR HER.
- HOW DARE SHE BE TALKING
[bleep]?
- TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,