The Outs (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Whiskey Dick - full transcript
Well, someone looks like a hot slut.
Aw, I need a new best friend, don't I.
What are we drinking?
Oh, I don't know. What is this... Zinfinity?
I don't care, Mitchell. I don't drink anything with less than 30% alcohol.
Don't you ever feel bad selling this to people and just making shit up?
Are you kidding? I got a promotion yesterday. They gave me keys.
Where are we going, anyway?
A party.
Oh, good! I wore my party cardigan.
Where's the party? Whose party?
Stop saying "party." It's at my high school ex's apartment.
Oh my god - Tucker? Terrible Tucker? Tucker the Fucker? You said you wanted to kill him!
No, I didn't. I said I want to outlive him.
Does Tucker the Fucker have any cute gay friends? Because I am critically unlaid at the moment.
Or am I just here to hold you back when you try to shiv him?
I was counting on you holding him down, actually.
I'm not getting bloodstains on another party cardigan, actually.
Right, about that. I'm going to need you to pretend to be my boyfriend to make him jealous.
What?
I mean, thank you. But what?
Why do you think I brought you along? For your party cardigan?
Which, by the way, you're taking off before we get in there.
But what if there's a chill?
Look, sweetie, all I need is one hour. Okay? He's got a new girlfriend and she's, like, a published author. Alright?
So what I need to do is show up with a solid... 7 out of 10 and act like there's something special about you. Okay?
One hour.
Seven and a half, thank you very much.
You need a haircut. There, I said it.
You are a tiny, hateful woman.
Guilty.
Hold this.
Now take off your fucking cardigan and butch up.
Fine. Jesus.
What am I supposed to do with this?
I don't know.
I'm leaving it here.
You can't leave it here! What if somebody takes it?
No one will take that.
I can't believe that you are involving me in this charade.
Don't say "charade."
[Knocking]
Hey.
What?
Hi.
Sorry, I don't know why I said "what." Hi.
Do you have...
What?
Do you smoke?
Oh. No, sorry.
Neither do I.
So...
Good for us.
Right. I'm confused.
Do you want...
Do I...?
... a blowjob?
What?
Everytime you say "what," it gets a little less cute.
I don't want a blowjob.
That's funny. Neither do I.
You're warm.
I overdressed.
No, I mean, you're a warm person. You seem like a warm person.
Nope, I'm just going through a slutty phase. You should have an excellent night.
Hi there.
Hi!
Do I know you?
You're Amy!
Have we met?
No. I'm an old friend of Tucker's. He posts about you on Facebook all the time. I'm Oona.
Wow! The Oona. Tucker's always talking about your...
My what?
It's nice to finally meet you.
Is this your boyfriend?
Oh, Jesus fuck no.
Honey!
What he means is...
Oona doesn't like the word "boyfriend," so we use the term "partner" instead.
Exactly.
Mm.
Don't!
Shut up, honey.
You got it, babe.
Is Tucker...?
Yeah, he's around here somewhere. You know how he gets
Wasted. Wasted.
Come on in. There's some coke in Tucker's room, if you want.
Do you have any Diet Dr. Pepper, or... don't pinch me.
No, we don't.
What?
You coming?
No. I'm trying to get home, but...
But the L train is fucked until 5AM.
And my apartment's on the next block.
And it's col. And we didn't all overdress.
So keep up.
So. How do you know Amy?
I don't.
Me neither.
She seems like a trip.
Mm-hmm.
She keeps dropping things on purpose so she has to bend over and pick them up.
Oh my god, you're right!
How does someone like that get published?
I think I just saw her cervix.
That's disgusting.
Sorry.
Why? It's not your fault she got a book deal.
What does she have to write about, anyway?
It's a young adult novel about mummies.
Wow.
Wow is right.
Shield your eyes, she's doing it again.
Sorry that it's so cold. The radiator out here is broken.
I'm going to make some tea.
Do you want any?
Sure.
Nice place.
Thanks.
Do you get high?
Sorry?
Do you smoke? Marijuana? Recreationally?
I do, sometimes.
Do you want to?
Oh, no, I'm good. I've been drinking.
Do you want to...?
Wow. Buy any? No. Thanks.
So you sell drugs.
Only a little.
Only recently.
You know, socks.
Socks?
I was getting dressed last week and I don't have any socks without holes in them, at the moment.
And... that's embarrassing. And my feet are, like, always cold, so I figured I'd just...
Sell drugs.
Right.
You should stop. Selling drugs.
I have a job. Sort of. I just need the cash.
What's your job?
I am a part-time maxillofacial escort.
Wow. Why don't you just say escort?
Sex work is really in right now.
I take people to get their wisdom teeth out when they have nobody else to call.
When you're not trolling for cock outside Metropolitan and selling drugs.
Right. But. So. You know...
Between the wisdom teeth thing and the blowjob thing, I really just want to make people happy.
[Tea kettle]
I'll get that.
So if you don't know Amy, you must be a friend of Tucker.
We used to date. A long time ago.
Yikes.
Yikes?
Why yikes? Yikes what?
He just seems like kind of an asshole.
That is only because he's a total asshole.
So what are we doing at this asshole's party?
Well, I'm here to act super successful and happy and rub his face in it.
Naturally.
And you?
Russell.
Oona.
My friend Kim dragged me along.
She used to date Tucker, too, so I've heard all the horror stories.
So you know this isn't the longest I've had to wait for Tucker to come.
Right. She dated Tucker in college.
She's a lesbian now.
I dated him in high school, but since I have no sense of pattern recognition I'm still straight.
Oh my god. Are you okay?
I'm gonna... excuse me.
Sure.
So this slutty phase, how long has that been going on?
Long enough that I'm over it but not long enough that I know how to get out of it.
Six months?
Six months on Thursday. You're good.
I had that phase. Then I had a celibate phase. Then I had a Kate Bush phase.
Kate Bush is a tough act to follow, I guess.
Then I got hit by two motorcycles.
Bullshit.
Fuck. Seriously?
I was at school, upstate. I was walking home from a date with this guy. He was a dancer.
You know, THE dancer. The one with the body?
I know that guy.
That guy.
Good for you. That guy is hot.
Excessively hot.
We were just outside his dorm, you know, talking about nothing.
But of course what we were really talking about, you know, up here, was whether I was going to kiss him or he was going to kiss me.
And then these three guys... big guys. Not that that's... anyway, these three guys, they ran over to us and one of them called him a faggot.
And then they ran off into the night, it was - it just sort of...
Killed the mood.
Right.
So I left, even though I should have stayed and sodomized him all night just to really stick it to those assholes.
'Cause that's what made sense. That's what I wanted.
And that's probably what I was thinking about when I crossed the street and this motorcycle just...
Wham... right here.
And while I'm on the pavement processing this, another one - wham.
Jesus.
Yeah, the back of my head.
When I think about it, I have to touch it.
It's like this chronic, late defense mechanism.
There's a scar. You can't see it, but it's there.
Yeah.
So, um...
Since the radiator is broken and I'm 80% sure you're not trying to harvest my organs, if you promise not to get fresh you can sleep in my room.
Deal?
Sure.
I mean, yeah.
[Ringtone]
Jesus, Mitchell, really?
[Mitchell]: Where did you go?
The bathroom. For, like, 10 seconds.
Can we leave soon? Some stranger tried to intercourse me, okay? And I had to pretend to choke on a Triscuit just to get away.
[Man's voice]: Oona?
What the fuck?
[Man's voice]: Shit, Oona Halpern?
Tucker?
Yeah! Hey, Oona! It's been forever, right?
What are you doing in the bathtub?
I drank a whiskey of whiskey. A lot of whiskey.
I don't even remember inviting you. Did I invite you?
It was on Facebook. That's as good as an invite.
How are you doing? I mean, how ARE you? Doing?
I'm doing great, actually! I brought my -
I was kind of a dick to you, huh.
Well, I don't know....
I totally was. I was totally - ow - a dick to you.
You want some?
Yeah.
My girlfriend's mad at me. Did you meet her?
Amy?
Yeah. She's great, isn't she? She's an awesome. I don't deserve her.
I wouldn't say that.
She's smart. She just got a book published!
I heard.
What's it about?
That's what I said! But she wanted me to read it.
She's wicked smart.
But she reminds me of you.
But.
Yeah. But she's hotter.
My dad always said you were going to turn out hot, but I didn't believe him.
Gross.
You're funny.
You're drunk.
I so am! I totally am.
You win, Oona. [Zipping sound]
What are you doing?
You give pretty good head, if I remember correctly.
What?! I mean, thank you. But what?
I'm pretty drunk, but I don't think it's going to be a problem.
I'm always telling Amy that you give really good head.
That's not helping.
Well now my dick is all wet!
Hey, everything okay?
Have you ever heard the term "whiskey dick?"
What?
Nothing.
Hey, I hope this isn't weird, but... if you're leaving, do you think I could get your number?
Why do you want my number?
Honestly? Because I'm single and you seem to be the exact opposite of that girl Amy.
That might be the nicest thing that anybody's ever said to me.
Hey, babe! There you are. I've been looking for you. Give me some sugar.
Oh, fuck me to death. Stop. Stop it.
Russell, this isn't...
Hey, Russ. Don't look at my woman, okay? Because I will murder you. I'll murder you.
OK...
It isn't...
Are we leaving? Because this party seems to be for fags. Am I right? Yes, I am.
It was really nice meeting you.
Get my coat, babe?
That's not going to happen.
I am going to wreck that shit tonight. You know what I'm saying? He knows what I'm talking about.
...cut it out...
...shoo... shoo...
Hey...
...big dog, on the roof...
Aw, I need a new best friend, don't I.
What are we drinking?
Oh, I don't know. What is this... Zinfinity?
I don't care, Mitchell. I don't drink anything with less than 30% alcohol.
Don't you ever feel bad selling this to people and just making shit up?
Are you kidding? I got a promotion yesterday. They gave me keys.
Where are we going, anyway?
A party.
Oh, good! I wore my party cardigan.
Where's the party? Whose party?
Stop saying "party." It's at my high school ex's apartment.
Oh my god - Tucker? Terrible Tucker? Tucker the Fucker? You said you wanted to kill him!
No, I didn't. I said I want to outlive him.
Does Tucker the Fucker have any cute gay friends? Because I am critically unlaid at the moment.
Or am I just here to hold you back when you try to shiv him?
I was counting on you holding him down, actually.
I'm not getting bloodstains on another party cardigan, actually.
Right, about that. I'm going to need you to pretend to be my boyfriend to make him jealous.
What?
I mean, thank you. But what?
Why do you think I brought you along? For your party cardigan?
Which, by the way, you're taking off before we get in there.
But what if there's a chill?
Look, sweetie, all I need is one hour. Okay? He's got a new girlfriend and she's, like, a published author. Alright?
So what I need to do is show up with a solid... 7 out of 10 and act like there's something special about you. Okay?
One hour.
Seven and a half, thank you very much.
You need a haircut. There, I said it.
You are a tiny, hateful woman.
Guilty.
Hold this.
Now take off your fucking cardigan and butch up.
Fine. Jesus.
What am I supposed to do with this?
I don't know.
I'm leaving it here.
You can't leave it here! What if somebody takes it?
No one will take that.
I can't believe that you are involving me in this charade.
Don't say "charade."
[Knocking]
Hey.
What?
Hi.
Sorry, I don't know why I said "what." Hi.
Do you have...
What?
Do you smoke?
Oh. No, sorry.
Neither do I.
So...
Good for us.
Right. I'm confused.
Do you want...
Do I...?
... a blowjob?
What?
Everytime you say "what," it gets a little less cute.
I don't want a blowjob.
That's funny. Neither do I.
You're warm.
I overdressed.
No, I mean, you're a warm person. You seem like a warm person.
Nope, I'm just going through a slutty phase. You should have an excellent night.
Hi there.
Hi!
Do I know you?
You're Amy!
Have we met?
No. I'm an old friend of Tucker's. He posts about you on Facebook all the time. I'm Oona.
Wow! The Oona. Tucker's always talking about your...
My what?
It's nice to finally meet you.
Is this your boyfriend?
Oh, Jesus fuck no.
Honey!
What he means is...
Oona doesn't like the word "boyfriend," so we use the term "partner" instead.
Exactly.
Mm.
Don't!
Shut up, honey.
You got it, babe.
Is Tucker...?
Yeah, he's around here somewhere. You know how he gets
Wasted. Wasted.
Come on in. There's some coke in Tucker's room, if you want.
Do you have any Diet Dr. Pepper, or... don't pinch me.
No, we don't.
What?
You coming?
No. I'm trying to get home, but...
But the L train is fucked until 5AM.
And my apartment's on the next block.
And it's col. And we didn't all overdress.
So keep up.
So. How do you know Amy?
I don't.
Me neither.
She seems like a trip.
Mm-hmm.
She keeps dropping things on purpose so she has to bend over and pick them up.
Oh my god, you're right!
How does someone like that get published?
I think I just saw her cervix.
That's disgusting.
Sorry.
Why? It's not your fault she got a book deal.
What does she have to write about, anyway?
It's a young adult novel about mummies.
Wow.
Wow is right.
Shield your eyes, she's doing it again.
Sorry that it's so cold. The radiator out here is broken.
I'm going to make some tea.
Do you want any?
Sure.
Nice place.
Thanks.
Do you get high?
Sorry?
Do you smoke? Marijuana? Recreationally?
I do, sometimes.
Do you want to?
Oh, no, I'm good. I've been drinking.
Do you want to...?
Wow. Buy any? No. Thanks.
So you sell drugs.
Only a little.
Only recently.
You know, socks.
Socks?
I was getting dressed last week and I don't have any socks without holes in them, at the moment.
And... that's embarrassing. And my feet are, like, always cold, so I figured I'd just...
Sell drugs.
Right.
You should stop. Selling drugs.
I have a job. Sort of. I just need the cash.
What's your job?
I am a part-time maxillofacial escort.
Wow. Why don't you just say escort?
Sex work is really in right now.
I take people to get their wisdom teeth out when they have nobody else to call.
When you're not trolling for cock outside Metropolitan and selling drugs.
Right. But. So. You know...
Between the wisdom teeth thing and the blowjob thing, I really just want to make people happy.
[Tea kettle]
I'll get that.
So if you don't know Amy, you must be a friend of Tucker.
We used to date. A long time ago.
Yikes.
Yikes?
Why yikes? Yikes what?
He just seems like kind of an asshole.
That is only because he's a total asshole.
So what are we doing at this asshole's party?
Well, I'm here to act super successful and happy and rub his face in it.
Naturally.
And you?
Russell.
Oona.
My friend Kim dragged me along.
She used to date Tucker, too, so I've heard all the horror stories.
So you know this isn't the longest I've had to wait for Tucker to come.
Right. She dated Tucker in college.
She's a lesbian now.
I dated him in high school, but since I have no sense of pattern recognition I'm still straight.
Oh my god. Are you okay?
I'm gonna... excuse me.
Sure.
So this slutty phase, how long has that been going on?
Long enough that I'm over it but not long enough that I know how to get out of it.
Six months?
Six months on Thursday. You're good.
I had that phase. Then I had a celibate phase. Then I had a Kate Bush phase.
Kate Bush is a tough act to follow, I guess.
Then I got hit by two motorcycles.
Bullshit.
Fuck. Seriously?
I was at school, upstate. I was walking home from a date with this guy. He was a dancer.
You know, THE dancer. The one with the body?
I know that guy.
That guy.
Good for you. That guy is hot.
Excessively hot.
We were just outside his dorm, you know, talking about nothing.
But of course what we were really talking about, you know, up here, was whether I was going to kiss him or he was going to kiss me.
And then these three guys... big guys. Not that that's... anyway, these three guys, they ran over to us and one of them called him a faggot.
And then they ran off into the night, it was - it just sort of...
Killed the mood.
Right.
So I left, even though I should have stayed and sodomized him all night just to really stick it to those assholes.
'Cause that's what made sense. That's what I wanted.
And that's probably what I was thinking about when I crossed the street and this motorcycle just...
Wham... right here.
And while I'm on the pavement processing this, another one - wham.
Jesus.
Yeah, the back of my head.
When I think about it, I have to touch it.
It's like this chronic, late defense mechanism.
There's a scar. You can't see it, but it's there.
Yeah.
So, um...
Since the radiator is broken and I'm 80% sure you're not trying to harvest my organs, if you promise not to get fresh you can sleep in my room.
Deal?
Sure.
I mean, yeah.
[Ringtone]
Jesus, Mitchell, really?
[Mitchell]: Where did you go?
The bathroom. For, like, 10 seconds.
Can we leave soon? Some stranger tried to intercourse me, okay? And I had to pretend to choke on a Triscuit just to get away.
[Man's voice]: Oona?
What the fuck?
[Man's voice]: Shit, Oona Halpern?
Tucker?
Yeah! Hey, Oona! It's been forever, right?
What are you doing in the bathtub?
I drank a whiskey of whiskey. A lot of whiskey.
I don't even remember inviting you. Did I invite you?
It was on Facebook. That's as good as an invite.
How are you doing? I mean, how ARE you? Doing?
I'm doing great, actually! I brought my -
I was kind of a dick to you, huh.
Well, I don't know....
I totally was. I was totally - ow - a dick to you.
You want some?
Yeah.
My girlfriend's mad at me. Did you meet her?
Amy?
Yeah. She's great, isn't she? She's an awesome. I don't deserve her.
I wouldn't say that.
She's smart. She just got a book published!
I heard.
What's it about?
That's what I said! But she wanted me to read it.
She's wicked smart.
But she reminds me of you.
But.
Yeah. But she's hotter.
My dad always said you were going to turn out hot, but I didn't believe him.
Gross.
You're funny.
You're drunk.
I so am! I totally am.
You win, Oona. [Zipping sound]
What are you doing?
You give pretty good head, if I remember correctly.
What?! I mean, thank you. But what?
I'm pretty drunk, but I don't think it's going to be a problem.
I'm always telling Amy that you give really good head.
That's not helping.
Well now my dick is all wet!
Hey, everything okay?
Have you ever heard the term "whiskey dick?"
What?
Nothing.
Hey, I hope this isn't weird, but... if you're leaving, do you think I could get your number?
Why do you want my number?
Honestly? Because I'm single and you seem to be the exact opposite of that girl Amy.
That might be the nicest thing that anybody's ever said to me.
Hey, babe! There you are. I've been looking for you. Give me some sugar.
Oh, fuck me to death. Stop. Stop it.
Russell, this isn't...
Hey, Russ. Don't look at my woman, okay? Because I will murder you. I'll murder you.
OK...
It isn't...
Are we leaving? Because this party seems to be for fags. Am I right? Yes, I am.
It was really nice meeting you.
Get my coat, babe?
That's not going to happen.
I am going to wreck that shit tonight. You know what I'm saying? He knows what I'm talking about.
...cut it out...
...shoo... shoo...
Hey...
...big dog, on the roof...