The Outs (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - State of the Union - full transcript
[Buzzing]
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Jack.
Whatever.
[Groaning]
[Faucet running]
Well that was -
What are you doing?
Huh?
Why do you have two phones?
Oh, this one is just for my sluts.
What's your last name?
Uh... Widdows.
Great.
Well -
And your first name?
Mitchell. Mitch. It's 212 -
-940. Mitchell, not Mitch.
Apartment 2B - as in 'to be or not to be.'
The front door is never locked, he can just come up.
OK. So.
So.
I'm getting a lot of woody notes here.
Notes of wood?
Sure.
In the wine. Oak, maybe?
Is that a thing that happens with wine?
I don't know.
Why are you getting a job at a wine shop if you don't like wine?
Because it's across the street from my apartment.
And I can work on my book when it's empty!
How's the book coming?
I lost three pages this week.
That's not so bad!
Now there are seven pages.
That is not... great.
It's not great.
Well, good luck. I'm not drinking any more of this because I am going on a date tonight.
Oh, is that why you're home from work early. Tell me you didn't...?
Take a half day from work so I could come home, clean everything...
try on every cardigan I own, and then clean everything again because now there are cardigans everywhere?
Yes, that is exactly what I did, Oona. OK?
I'm not judging! Last week I slept with a guy from Trader Joe's because I liked the way he handled my produce.
Yikes. Ian?
No! Not Ian!
I know Ian's name. This guy is in my phone as 'Trader Joe.'
Wow. Stay classy!
Is this the guy you met on the dating site?
Yes, it is!
And we have a Personality Vector Match score that's, like, basically through the roof.
According to the website. So that is... something.
Yeah, a good PVM, that's huge.
I think you're required by law to be a little bit more supportive of me, OK?
Is that part of ObamaCare?
I need a new best friend, don't I.
Oh, tell me I'm not your best friend.
I don't even know when your birthday is.
Great!
Like, I have no idea when your birthday is.
Oh, shit. Is it today? Is today your birthday?
Go now. Go far away.
What ever happened to Ian, anyway?
Ian did that hot thing that hot guys do where they lift up their shirts a little bit...
and they don't even realize how hot it is.
I know! But I found out he's vegan, so.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I never should have asked.
How could you have known?
Vegan? A vegan?
Are you Mitchell?
Yeah! Already, wow.
We're across the street.
I know, it's super convenient.
Yeah, you must be, like, the laziest person alive.
Thank you.
[Re: music] Is this Beauty Feast?
I love them.
Yeah! I like them too, yes it is.
So, do you want change, or...?
No, I'm good. You can just keep the change.
Hey, did you like their first album better?
Or did you like the EP? Because I liked the...
The first one. Obviously.
Obviously. Because it's better.
Take it - good one!
Ugh. Take it good one.
"Take it good one?"
I know!
What does that even mean?
I think what happened was I was trying to say "Take it easy,"
AND "Have a good one," at the same time?
But then I got lost mid-stream.
Oh no! Don't cross the streams!
I know!
It was really embarrassing.
Maybe he thought it was a compliment, like you were calling him 'good one?' Maybe?
I'm sure!
No, totally embarrassing for you.
Does that story at least make me seem charmingly flawed and unattainable...
or was I charmingly flawed and unattainable before, and now I'm just sad?
It was all downhill from when you started talking about...
how Mr. Bucket is a mechanized barfing toy emblematic of an early-90's obsession with body dysmorphia.
I didn't actually say that, did I?
Uh huh.
Wow. I'm sorry! I get really deeply un-charming around cute boys -
ah, men.
Cute people. You are really cute.
And I'm going to the bathroom now, so I'll be right back.
[Text message tone]
[Text message tone]
[Erik Satie's 'Trois Gymnopedies II']
[Cell phone buzzing]
I'll be right there.
Hey! I'm Owen.
Happy Thursday?
I love this neighborhood. Have you been to that -
Shh. Shut up.
Hey! Slow down, dude. We have all night.
I'm sorry to do this, but...
My roommate just texted me, and he's locked out.
Oh! Shit.
So... I have to let him in. At home.
Oh. Well... I can walk you to the train?
[Text message tone]
Umm... OK. First of all, I am choosing to believe you about this roommate scenario, OK?
That's very kind of you.
Second of all, though, I have no idea who these are from!
How many human dildos do you have?
I don't have a human dildo!
That's not what I'm talking about.
It's OK, Mitchell. I think we're just looking for two different things.
We're not - !
I'm looking for a boyfriend, and you're looking for someone really, really gullible.
Shit.
Look, I'll text you sometime, OK?
Nah.
I'm not gonna text him sometime!
Don't worry about it.
[Dial tone]
I'm jacking my dick right now.
Who the fuck is this?
Like you don't remember.
Get over here, Mr. Widdows.
[Phone buzzing]
Hi, you've reached Jack Widdows.
I can't take your call. Leave a message.
Pick up your fucking phone.
It's fucking freezing out here.
Sorry.
Can we do this quickly? I'm on my lunch break.
Wow! This place is a mess.
Squalid is the new clean.
It's disgusting.
Can I get in here?
You really do need to clean up.
Also you look like shit.
OK.
"OK."
So. What's up? With you?
Can you not right now? Please?
Work really must be stressing you out.
It is. And how is sitting at your desk,
smoking weed all day and listening to Erik Satie treating you?
Freelancing is going very well, thank you.
That one is mine.
This is not yours, I bought this.
For me. On New Year's.
You look terrible in blue, blue makes you look desperate.
Well, thanks for stopping by! You can go now.
Did you give my number to some idiot who you fucked? Yesterday?
Oh, did he get in touch with you?
Unbelievable.
Look, Jack. I know everything got kind of fucked,
and I said a lot of incredibly mean things to try to hurt you.
And I just want to make sure that you know that I meant all of them.
You're poison.
I can't believe that you're involving me in this charade.
Don't say 'charade.'
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Jack.
Whatever.
[Groaning]
[Faucet running]
Well that was -
What are you doing?
Huh?
Why do you have two phones?
Oh, this one is just for my sluts.
What's your last name?
Uh... Widdows.
Great.
Well -
And your first name?
Mitchell. Mitch. It's 212 -
-940. Mitchell, not Mitch.
Apartment 2B - as in 'to be or not to be.'
The front door is never locked, he can just come up.
OK. So.
So.
I'm getting a lot of woody notes here.
Notes of wood?
Sure.
In the wine. Oak, maybe?
Is that a thing that happens with wine?
I don't know.
Why are you getting a job at a wine shop if you don't like wine?
Because it's across the street from my apartment.
And I can work on my book when it's empty!
How's the book coming?
I lost three pages this week.
That's not so bad!
Now there are seven pages.
That is not... great.
It's not great.
Well, good luck. I'm not drinking any more of this because I am going on a date tonight.
Oh, is that why you're home from work early. Tell me you didn't...?
Take a half day from work so I could come home, clean everything...
try on every cardigan I own, and then clean everything again because now there are cardigans everywhere?
Yes, that is exactly what I did, Oona. OK?
I'm not judging! Last week I slept with a guy from Trader Joe's because I liked the way he handled my produce.
Yikes. Ian?
No! Not Ian!
I know Ian's name. This guy is in my phone as 'Trader Joe.'
Wow. Stay classy!
Is this the guy you met on the dating site?
Yes, it is!
And we have a Personality Vector Match score that's, like, basically through the roof.
According to the website. So that is... something.
Yeah, a good PVM, that's huge.
I think you're required by law to be a little bit more supportive of me, OK?
Is that part of ObamaCare?
I need a new best friend, don't I.
Oh, tell me I'm not your best friend.
I don't even know when your birthday is.
Great!
Like, I have no idea when your birthday is.
Oh, shit. Is it today? Is today your birthday?
Go now. Go far away.
What ever happened to Ian, anyway?
Ian did that hot thing that hot guys do where they lift up their shirts a little bit...
and they don't even realize how hot it is.
I know! But I found out he's vegan, so.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I never should have asked.
How could you have known?
Vegan? A vegan?
Are you Mitchell?
Yeah! Already, wow.
We're across the street.
I know, it's super convenient.
Yeah, you must be, like, the laziest person alive.
Thank you.
[Re: music] Is this Beauty Feast?
I love them.
Yeah! I like them too, yes it is.
So, do you want change, or...?
No, I'm good. You can just keep the change.
Hey, did you like their first album better?
Or did you like the EP? Because I liked the...
The first one. Obviously.
Obviously. Because it's better.
Take it - good one!
Ugh. Take it good one.
"Take it good one?"
I know!
What does that even mean?
I think what happened was I was trying to say "Take it easy,"
AND "Have a good one," at the same time?
But then I got lost mid-stream.
Oh no! Don't cross the streams!
I know!
It was really embarrassing.
Maybe he thought it was a compliment, like you were calling him 'good one?' Maybe?
I'm sure!
No, totally embarrassing for you.
Does that story at least make me seem charmingly flawed and unattainable...
or was I charmingly flawed and unattainable before, and now I'm just sad?
It was all downhill from when you started talking about...
how Mr. Bucket is a mechanized barfing toy emblematic of an early-90's obsession with body dysmorphia.
I didn't actually say that, did I?
Uh huh.
Wow. I'm sorry! I get really deeply un-charming around cute boys -
ah, men.
Cute people. You are really cute.
And I'm going to the bathroom now, so I'll be right back.
[Text message tone]
[Text message tone]
[Erik Satie's 'Trois Gymnopedies II']
[Cell phone buzzing]
I'll be right there.
Hey! I'm Owen.
Happy Thursday?
I love this neighborhood. Have you been to that -
Shh. Shut up.
Hey! Slow down, dude. We have all night.
I'm sorry to do this, but...
My roommate just texted me, and he's locked out.
Oh! Shit.
So... I have to let him in. At home.
Oh. Well... I can walk you to the train?
[Text message tone]
Umm... OK. First of all, I am choosing to believe you about this roommate scenario, OK?
That's very kind of you.
Second of all, though, I have no idea who these are from!
How many human dildos do you have?
I don't have a human dildo!
That's not what I'm talking about.
It's OK, Mitchell. I think we're just looking for two different things.
We're not - !
I'm looking for a boyfriend, and you're looking for someone really, really gullible.
Shit.
Look, I'll text you sometime, OK?
Nah.
I'm not gonna text him sometime!
Don't worry about it.
[Dial tone]
I'm jacking my dick right now.
Who the fuck is this?
Like you don't remember.
Get over here, Mr. Widdows.
[Phone buzzing]
Hi, you've reached Jack Widdows.
I can't take your call. Leave a message.
Pick up your fucking phone.
It's fucking freezing out here.
Sorry.
Can we do this quickly? I'm on my lunch break.
Wow! This place is a mess.
Squalid is the new clean.
It's disgusting.
Can I get in here?
You really do need to clean up.
Also you look like shit.
OK.
"OK."
So. What's up? With you?
Can you not right now? Please?
Work really must be stressing you out.
It is. And how is sitting at your desk,
smoking weed all day and listening to Erik Satie treating you?
Freelancing is going very well, thank you.
That one is mine.
This is not yours, I bought this.
For me. On New Year's.
You look terrible in blue, blue makes you look desperate.
Well, thanks for stopping by! You can go now.
Did you give my number to some idiot who you fucked? Yesterday?
Oh, did he get in touch with you?
Unbelievable.
Look, Jack. I know everything got kind of fucked,
and I said a lot of incredibly mean things to try to hurt you.
And I just want to make sure that you know that I meant all of them.
You're poison.
I can't believe that you're involving me in this charade.
Don't say 'charade.'