The Other Two (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Brooke Drives an Armpit Across America - full transcript
Chase's first legal photoshoot lands Brooke on a highly unusual assignment, Cary's new publicist doesn't yield much better results than his own self-promotion, and Pat feels the effects of her empire.
- Hey, guys, can't believe
"Night Nurse" has
been out a week.
As we continue to celebrate,
let's not forget
the amazing crew,
who I think might
literally be wizards?
Happy National Nurses Day!
Playing Nurse Louis was
the honor of my life,
and I'm so thankful
to the writers
for trusting me with him.
With wild, complicated,
always-there-when-you-need-him
Lou...
OK, to everyone asking about
a Nurse Louis spin-off:
LOL, thank you!
But I'm pretty sure
this was just a one-off,
and I wouldn't want to ruin
the artistic vision of...
Just took BuzzFeed's "Which
'Night Nurse' nurse are you?"
LOL.
If you take it, tag me,
and I'll post it to my...
Sorry for the serious post,
but our line producer's mother's
friend's dog is not doing well,
so let's share some
love on his Insta.
"Night Nurse" Hive, ri...
- "Night Nurse" Hive?
Ugh.
My dear God, dude.
- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
- Also in the summer schedule,
"Drape Disasters
with Maria Menounos."
She goes into homes where the
drapes are just a disaster.
- Uh-huh.
- New episodes would air
at 2:00, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30,
4:00, 4:30,
5:00, not 5:30, and 6:00.
- Sounds great. Approved!
- Great.
We're
so glad you like it.
We love Maria, and
we love drapes.
OK, moving on, we
also have a show
with a woman named
Alyssa Schechter.
She has eight kids,
and she is so, so nice.
- And what's that one called?
- It's called "Alyssa Schechter:
She Has Eight Kids and
She is So, So Nice."
- Yes! That way, people
know exactly what it is.
Approved.
- Great.
- Brookie, we have a
lot of good programming.
- Yes, I am proud to be a
part of all these vital shows.
What work we do.
- Well, thanks, Pat.
Don't want to take up
any more of your time.
You've already been
here seven minutes.
So let's clear the elevator
and pull her car around.
Great work, everybody.
- Bye, Mom.
- Oh, hold on.
Brookie, I am happy
to stay longer
if people need
anything else from me.
- Oh, no, we just need you
once a month for approvals.
We set it up this way
on purpose, remember?
The talk show was killing you.
So go home.
Bowl in your bowling alley.
Make guacamole on
your guacamole floor.
- Well, I've already
done all that.
- Then hang in the city.
Take a stroll in Central Park.
- Oh.
- You want to take a
stroll in Central Park?
- Yeah, sure.
That could be fun.
- OK, then let's head
back to your house
and get started on all
the safety protocols
to make that happen.
- Uh, protocol...
- Walter, we're on
our way to home base.
- Crap, we forgot one.
Can you ask your
mom if she likes
"Junk Drawer Rehab
with David Archuleta"?
Uh...
Hello?
- Brooke, where are you?
I need you to come do
something important.
Really? You
promise it's important?
- Yes, I need you to help close
an $8 million deal for Chase.
So pack your bag.
You're headed to Los Angeles.
- Yes!
- We... were talking.
- Cary, hey, want to
come watch "Drag Race"?
Me and some friends
are gonna order food
and talk over the
whole goddamn thing.
- Ugh, I don't
think I can today.
- Boo! You were
gone for so long
and then had "Night
Nurse" stuff last week.
We need a dumb hang.
- I know. I just...
I do still have "Night
Nurse" stuff this week, so...
- Whoa, really?
Well, if you're
free this Saturday,
we're bingeing
"Australian Survivor,"
and there's this guy on it
with the hugest nipples
you'll ever see.
- Ew.
- No, no, no.
They work, and we love them.
- OK.
All right, I-I gotta run. Bye.
Oh, all right, bye...
- Position one.
- OK, thought that was one.
- All right, position two.
- Two? You want to see two?
- What in the absolute
hell is going on here?
- Oh, hey, Cary.
No, I'm just standing
in for Chase, you know,
while they get his
pit nice and ready.
- I'm sorry, his what?
- Yeah.
Now that he's 18,
he's doing his first-ever photo
where he gets to show off
his full adult man's armpit.
I mean, I don't
know if you've noticed,
but up until now,
Chase has always had
to wear shirts to cover his pit
'cause it was a
child's pit, Cary.
But now that he's an adult,
we can get that big,
beautiful thing out there.
And I'm not talking
about part of the pit.
I'm talking about the whole pit,
tip to taint.
- OK, this is disgusting.
- What? No.
Cary, this is one of the
most beautiful moments
in a male singer's life.
I mean, surely you
remember the first time
you saw JT's pit.
- OK, I do, actually. Yes.
- Exactly.
And now "Rolling Stone" is
gonna pay Chase $8 million
for exclusive rights to his pit.
- They are?
- Yes!
And "GQ" is pissed.
I mean, they wanted it bad.
And I don't blame them.
It's quite a pit.
Have you seen it?
- I'm good.
- Go check it out.
- Ugh.
- Take a peek at the pit
before we start
charging admission.
- Chase.
- Hey, Cary.
- Comb.
- I'd give you a
hug, but I don't want
to mush up my pit hair.
- Do not hug him.
I've been here since 4:00.
His pit was a disaster. Comb!
- Well, what I see now
looks like, uh, $8 million.
And you're OK with this?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm just excited for people to
start seeing me as an adult.
- How's my pit looking?
- Shuli!
Yes, just the girl
I came to see.
- Oh, no, it's the old one.
- I have been looking
for a publicist
to keep making the
most of "Night Nurse."
But I've called everyone in town
and no one said yes,
so I thought maybe, um,
you'd want the gig?
- Cary, no offense,
but I only do big-league stuff,
like this.
- Fuck!
We're blow-drying it too much.
The pit is starting to flake!
- But since you came
all the way here,
I have someone I do
think could help you.
I'll text her info.
- Oh, my God.
Shuli, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, and hey, um, Brooke
has a license, right?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, "Rolling Stone"
is terrified this pit
pic is gonna leak,
so they don't want us
to email it to them
or upload it to the
internet in any way,
so I'm gonna have Brooke
drive it across the
country on a thumb drive
and hand-deliver
it to them in LA.
- And she agreed to do this?
- Basically.
- Hey, Lance.
Sorry I've been MIA.
I'm not upset anymore.
Work's just been crazy...
And fulfilling, yeah.
Shuli's actually
sending me to LA tonight
for a really,
really important...
You want me to what?
- Brooke, this is how
all the big artists
transport their IP.
It's how Taylor
delivers her music,
and now it'll be how
Chase delivers his art.
- The photo has been
secured in the back
of this discreet
FreshDirect truck.
- So there's just one
photo of my brother's pit
in this whole truck?
- No, there's $8 million
in this whole truck.
And if anyone intercepts
it, it's your ass.
You know what?
I should go too, be
an extra set of eyes
on the lookout for road thieves,
someone from "GQ" or
maybe "Men's Health."
- Ugh.
- Of course, you know,
we're gonna need new names.
OK, from now on,
you will be a trucker named Pam
and I will be Rusty Calhoun,
uh, your loyal road dog.
- OK, I am not
doing any of that.
Also, you're not coming.
- Pam.
- God.
At least Mom gets
to spend the day
strolling in Central Park.
- OK, so we got approval
from the Parks Department
to clear the park for an hour.
Now we're just
waiting to hear back
from the mayor's
office, but Diane
is running things there now,
so who knows how
long that'll take?
- 'Cause... 'cause Diane's bad?
- Oh, Cary Dubek.
- Hey.
- So I just gotta say,
I loved "Night Nurse,"
and I'm gonna get you the
best press I possibly can.
- Whoa! That's
great. OK, thank you.
- Let me just make sure I
have all the details correct.
You were the third lead, right?
- Yeah.
- And it's available on VOD?
- It is.
- And it came out
eight days ago?
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
So I can secure you
an exclusive feature
- Oh, um...
I was hoping for more,
like, "Rolling Stone" or...
- Oh.
- Or something.
the "Rolling Stone" of websites
about burrito spots in Brooklyn.
- Uh, what... what
would the press be?
- Oh, it's so fun.
You would choose ten
burrito spots in Brooklyn.
You would get on Google Maps,
figure out how to
get to all of them,
then you would buy
a burrito at each.
Don't worry, you'd
be reimbursed.
Just fill out a W-9.
And then you would
rank them on a scale
of one to five nurses.
You know, for "Night Nurse."
So you would write,
like, "Too much cheese,
two out of five
nurses," or whatever.
That's just an example.
You're the actor.
- Ah.
- If you're interested,
they would love for you
to pop by their
offices today to chat.
You just take the 1 to the L
to the very, very
last stop on the F.
- And then the article would,
what, run on their website
with, like, a little
picture of me?
- That's exactly right.
You in?
- I mean, all press
is good press.
- Hey, you're cute.
Want to get coffee?
- Sorry.
I'm, like, slammed with press.
- Whoa, you're hot.
Would you want to go fuck?
- That is so kind of you,
but I have to take
a series of trains
Hey.
Um, are you busy right now?
There's this carnival that
I thought we could go to
and then maybe lay in the grass
after and look at the stars,
perhaps even... fall in love?
- Wow, that sounds
comically lovely.
Ugh, wish I didn't
have to rank burritos.
But I do. Goodbye forever.
Order up!
God.
- Hey there.
What are you doing
all the way out here
in the middle of nowhere?
- Uh..."working"?
I'm a talent manager.
- Oh, wow.
Uh, I'm impressed.
Don't be.
Right now, I'm driving a photo
of ChaseDreams' armpit
across the nation
in a grocery truck.
- Oh.
Well, that sounds... cool.
Uh, I only drive
actual groceries.
But, uh, what you're doing
sounds kind of important,
which is... pretty sexy.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Uh...
Can I maybe buy you a drink?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Why not?
- All right.
Be right back.
- OK.
Yes.
Nice try, dude.
My job's important?
I knew right away you
were full of shit.
Who do you work for, "GQ"?
- Oh, yes, damn it!
- Wait, really?
Like, you are from "GQ" and you
are trying to steal this pic?
- I mean, it is Chase
all grown up, right?
Like, you see his whole pit?
Tip to taint.
- Ooh!
- But unfortunately for you,
this beauty's going
straight to "Rolling Stone."
Or is it?
Because while we were
flirting, I stole your keys.
Ha! Yeah, sorry.
I've been doing this
a lot longer than you.
They're right... wait.
And I've been doing
it even long...
Oh, shit.
Damn it!
Jesus. Ha-ha!
Even longer.
And now if you'll excuse us,
we have an armpit to deliver.
After you, Pam.
- Thank you...
Rusty Calhoun.
Hmph!
- Rats!
- Hi. Cary Dubek.
Sorry it's so late.
Uh, lot of trains.
Um, I'm here to talk press
- Oh, you came.
- Yes.
Why is that weird...
- Cary, welcome.
I'm Dr. Wiegland.
This is a mental
health facility.
- Am I not here
to review burritos
on a scale of one
to five nurses?
- No, you are here
because anyone
desperate enough to say
yes to that level of press
and then actually show up
to do it is deeply unwell.
- So the publicist
Shuli said could help me
sent me to a brain doctor?
- If you sign this,
you'll be voluntarily
admitting yourself for one year
while we help your brain heal.
And if you sign this,
it gives permission
for students at
local universities
to study your brain,
for it is that broken.
Mm.
Hello?
- Cary!
Rob from Owens & Berger PR.
Yeah, I'm sorry it took a sec,
but we would be thrilled
to work with you.
- Whoa.
Really? Is... is that true?
- Yes. "Night
Nurse" was awesome.
We could start sending
you out on stuff tomorrow.
There's gonna be a lot
of demand for you, Cary.
- Yes!
I knew it.
Huh?
- Whoa, is that a hitchhiker?
I didn't think people
still did that.
- They don't.
Nice try, "GQ"!
- Rats!
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Brooke, look.
Ah!
- Whoa, there is
a pregnant woman
on the side of the road,
and her car is on fire.
Streeter, we have to stop!
- Oh, Brooke, you sweet child.
You're gonna have to try
harder than that, "GQ"!
Rats!
- This is so insane.
- Wait, wait. One more.
Oh!
Oop, Brooke, I think
we're getting pulled over.
Yeah, right, we are.
This is your fakest
one yet, "GQ"!
OK, so these
ones were just cops.
- Yay! Oh, my
God, you made it.
Oh! Come in.
Cary, this is Nico, Rich,
JP, Theo, Tyler, and Paul.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- How do you all,
uh, know each other?
- Oh, um, well, Theo and I met
on Grindr a couple years ago,
but he wasn't into it.
And Rich and I met
on Grindr last month,
and I wasn't into it.
Then JP and I met
yesterday on Grindr,
and neither of us were into it.
And Tyler is my barista.
- Oh.
- Oh, wait, yeah.
You remember Tyler,
Nico, and Paul.
They were at your, um,
terrible VOD party.
- Oh, yeah. Of course, hi.
- Hey.
- I can't believe you
all watch "Survivor."
I thought it was
violently straight.
- What?
Have you ever met a gay person?
- Uh, yeah...
- Cary, get in here
so I can make you
a piece-of-shit drink.
- Oh, sorry.
- So tell me about
this publicist.
- Oh, my God, he's got me
so many things 'cause
of "Night Nurse."
It's crazy.
- OK, and we're sure
he's not also a mental
health provider in disguise?
- No, no, no, no.
It's... it's all real.
I already shot it all.
Like, he got me this
feature in "Rolling Stone."
It's gonna be Chase's
issue, I think.
It's a spread called
"The Next James Dean."
Yeah, I shot all these pics
re-creating James
Dean's iconic looks.
And I'm in the new Calvin
Klein underwear campaign.
- What?
- I know!
- Holy shit!
- Yeah, no.
I'm not, like, the
star or anything.
It's just a bunch
of young actors,
like Hollywood's next
gen, all in our Calvins.
Yeah, I shot my stuff alone,
and then they're gonna put in,
like, Jacob Elordi and
Sadie Sink and other people.
I think it's gonna
be really cool.
- Um, yeah, I think
it will! Jesus!
Oh, this is my publicist
calling right now.
- My God.
- Hello.
- Cary, everything
looks so good.
- OK.
- We just need you to DocuSign
releases for everything,
and we'll be all set.
- OK. Yeah, no, I can...
I can actually do that
right now while I have you.
And sent.
We have
received the final document.
Bring us $100,000, or we
will release the press.
- Rob?
- You have until
midnight tonight.
Tick tock, Dubek.
Sorry, I gotta go.
I think I'm being...
blackmailed for $100,000.
Sorry, guys, gotta run.
- What?
- I'm currently
being blackmailed.
- Nice to see you again.
- OK, girl.
- Bye.
- What happened?
- So I'm sure you understand
why we brought you in.
- Mm-hmm.
- First we tried
to pull you over,
and you sped away.
- Yes.
Very bad decision, sir.
- Then you gave us
fake IDs that said, uh,
Pam and Rusty Calhoun on them.
- What? That's so suspicious.
- And when we asked to
see inside your truck,
you screamed no and
swallowed the key.
- Huge red flag.
I'd arrest us.
- We have no choice
but to detain you
as we try to cut
open your vehicle.
- Anything you need, Officer.
Right, Brooke?
- I don't know.
I still think this is "GQ."
What? No.
She's ki... she's ki...
She's kidding, Officer.
- I mean, they look like cops.
They certainly...
Smell like cops.
But something tells me
they're nothing more
than a couple of "GQ" fags.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not use that language.
- Aha! That was a test.
If you were cops,
you'd love that word.
- Look, officers,
I... I promise you,
there's nothing
weird in our truck.
Just one pic of a teen's armpit,
nice and normal.
We're driving across
country for work.
- Sorry, uh, how
is that your job?
- Oh, that's good.
They're good, yeah!
Oh, how
is that your job?
It's so embarrassing.
Welp, heard it all
before, boys...
In my dreams.
- OK, we don't
have time for this.
We'll be back once we
get the truck open.
In the meantime, we
will be charging you
with evading arrest, which
is a category D felony.
- N-no, uh... sorry, wait...
- Someone will be here shortly
to bring you to your cell.
Sorry, ma'am.
We really are cops.
- Anyone here?
Uh, hello?
Rob?
Uh, just had a few questions
about our last call.
Where is the money?
We are not messing
around, Dubek.
- Sorry, I just...
I don't understand.
I, uh... I want this
press to be released.
I mean, "Rolling
Stone" called me
the next James Dean...
right?
- Dubek, you fool.
You were the third
lead in a VOD film.
"Rolling Stone" doesn't
know shit about this.
But the whole world
will know you thought
you got this if you do not pay.
- Oh, my God.
- They'll also know about this!
- Wait, this wasn't real either?
Am I not part of
Hollywood's next gen?
You're 33 1/2, Dubek.
Now, bring us our
money, or else.
- Oh, Jesus.
Should I see a brain doctor?
Uh, please don't
release the press.
I... I'll get you
the money, I promise.
Fuck!
Huh?
- Oh, um...
uh, sorry.
If we are being held,
don't we get a phone call?
I just want to let my mom
or brother know where I am.
- You have two minutes.
I'll be right outside.
- OK, thank you.
OK.
Shit.
- What?
- I don't know their numbers.
The only person's I know is...
Fuck!
Ugh, I can't believe I'm
now calling my nurse fiancé
at his hospital to
tell him I got arrested
while driving my brother's
armpit across the country.
- It does sound bad all
strung out like that.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
- B?
Hell yeah. I miss you, baby.
- Yeah. Yeah, I...
I miss you too.
- What's going on?
How's that big job
Shuli gave you?
Yo, hey, make sure
you up her morphine
until she's comfortable, and
then you gotta dab after.
She loves the dab.
- Uh...
never mind.
Yeah, I had a question,
but I figured it out, so...
I actually gotta go.
I'm really busy here.
- OK, well, come home
soon. I want to see you.
And have fun at "GQ."
- Wait, what?
- Have fun at "GQ."
When you called me just now,
it came up as "GQ" on my phone.
B?
- Nice try, "GQ"!
- Yeah, suck it, "GQ"!
B?
- Rats!
- Oh, God.
Hey, Mom.
- Cary!
Oh, yay!
What a nice surprise.
- How, uh, are you?
- I'm good.
On Tuesday, I decided to go
for a stroll in Central Park.
- That's nice. Uh, how was it?
- Oh, I haven't
gotten to go yet.
- Sorry, ma'am, Melissa's
at the mayor's office now
and wants to know if you want
to stroll over the bridge.
- Oh, sure. That could be fun.
- Or I don't need to,
if that would help.
- OK, she's fine
without the bridge.
- Sorry, just in a little
bit of a time crunch here.
Uh, so I shot some
press for "Night Nurse,"
um, that was
actually... kompromat,
and now I'm being blackmailed
for $100,000, so...
- Oh, well, I can
give you 100,000.
- Oh, really?
Are... are you sure?
- Well, yes.
If you're in trouble,
I want to help.
Though I will need a favor.
Come here for a sec.
Sit down.
- What's wrong?
If I give you this,
you can never, ever post
about "Night Nurse" again.
- Wait, what?
- I love you so much, Cary.
But your Instagram
presence is not good.
- What?
Mom, half your Twitter feed
is accidental texts to people.
Plus, I need to post sometimes.
Like, what about on the
one-month anniversary of...
- No, you won't be
able to post then.
- Well, what about
on Edie Falco's...
- No birthday posts either.
If I give you this,
you need to stop.
"Night Nurse" was so good.
I loved it.
But it's over!
You need to move on.
See friends, go on
dates, I don't care.
Do anything else!
- Good news, ma'am.
- Yeah?
- We got approval from
the mayor's office.
- Oh, yay!
- Now we're just waiting on JFK
to clear the airspace
above the park
so you're not attacked
from above on the stroll.
- Oh. Yes.
We wouldn't want that.
No, ma'am.
- OK. All right.
I... I promise I
won't post anymore.
- Then I'll have
the money wired.
Now, go.
There's a whole big
world out there.
Go live in it.
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you, Mom.
I love you.
- I love you.
Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
- Oh, yes! I knew
those weren't cops.
Suck my dick, "GQ"!
- Hell yeah! Go off, sister.
- I wouldn't have even
known they weren't cops
if it wasn't for you.
- Aw.
- I think you might be
one of the smartest people
I have ever met?
- I've been waiting
for this day.
- Also, this picture
is important.
It's making Chase happy.
- Yeah.
- Plus, it's gonna
be huge for his fans.
I mean, I remember the
first time I saw JT's pit.
I came so hard to
that baby for months.
Wait, are we just shuttling
porn across the country?
You know what? No. I'm
not taking that on.
It's not porn. It's culture.
- Right.
- We are shuttling culture
across the country.
Peters and Dubek, baby!
Whoo!
Dream team!
- Dream team!
- OK.
What?
I guess...
- You came.
Or...
you sort of just missed it.
- Oh, hi.
Uh, you mean the carnival?
Wasn't that a
couple of days ago?
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I...
I come here a lot.
It's sort of my favorite
place in this whole town.
- Uh...
- Cotton candy?
Got an extra one.
- Uh, sorry, am I dreaming this?
I feel like you just
arrived in my life
at the exact right moment.
Or sorry, that's an
incredibly stupid
thing to say out loud.
- Hey, no.
You're not stupid.
- Thank you.
I just... I've
been very obsessed
with this movie I
was in recently.
Apparently I haven't stopped
talking about it for weeks.
Guess I was being sort
of crazy about it.
Like, I didn't think so, but...
- You know, there's
this place I go to
whenever this town's
making me feel crazy.
Would you... want to see it?
OK, come on.
- Hey, it's me.
Uh, sorry about the phone tag,
but it looks like I'll
be coming home tomorrow.
I actually... I can't wait
to tell you about my day.
I did something
that's maybe stupid
but also actually kind of big?
Oh, I gotta go.
OK. I love you.
Bye.
- OK? OK.
- Great.
- Gavin, "Rolling Stone."
- Hi.
- Thanks for making the trip.
I'm sure all the precautions
felt kind of dumb.
- Oh, no, not at all.
I never thought about
its dumbness once.
Anyway, here you go.
Here is one teen's pit.
- Great. Let's take a look.
He's
gonna take a look.
OK.
Yep, you had one of the decoys.
- Uh, one of the what?
- One of the decoy pits.
Principle Records knew
so many people
would be after this,
they sent out six
different trucks,
five with decoys.
So you two were
transporting this.
- Wait, that's not Chase?
That looks exactly like Chase.
- Holy fucking shit!
Whoa.
- Yeah. This pool
is always unlocked.
So anytime I'm feeling
stressed or crazy,
I come here and just
take off my clothes,
cannonball in,
sink to the bottom,
and let it out.
- Let it... let it out?
- Whatever's bothering me.
Do you want to try?
- Come on.
- I... I don't...
Cannonball!
Whoo!
Cannonball.
[Stefan Melbourne
and Darius Behdad's
- ♪ Here where we
align in a row ♪
♪ A vision enough to be ♪
♪ A binding of wounds ♪
♪ We no longer conceal ♪
- Do you think maybe we'll be
in each other's lives forever?
- Oh. Um, maybe, yeah.
I... I mean, I...
I do think this was one of
the best nights of my life.
I... I guess my mom was right.
I do need to be in
the moment, you know?
Enjoy my life.
- I like you...
Cary Dubek.
- Oh.
I, uh... I like you too,
Nicholas I-don't-
know-your-last-name-yet.
- I can't believe it.
I can't believe this whole time,
we didn't even
have the right pit?
I know.
Shuli really got us.
- This whole trip
was just... nothing.
- Yup. I mean, like, when I
stole the keys from that guy?
For nothing!
And you with the cops?
That was also for nothing.
Oh, you are such a nasty
little minx, Shuli Kucerac!
Streeter, stop!
- Jesus!
I mean, we just
spent a whole week
of our one life doing nothing.
And I mean, who am I kidding?
Even if it had been his
pit, it's still nothing.
I just... I feel
so fucking stupid
that I thought that
this was anything other
than a waste of five days.
- He... yeah, but
hey, we had a time!
Oh, great.
Now Nurse Fantastic
is calling me back.
I mean, what the fuck
am I doing with my life?
- I think...
- What we both do is nothing.
What we do is fucking nothing!
- Yeah, yeah, his
name's Nicholas,
and we met outside
of this carnival.
And we just, like, talked
and ate cotton candy,
and then we broke into a
pool and went swimming.
- Oh, my God, this
sounds like a movie.
- I know, right?
- Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- What?
- Cary, tell me.
When he walked you home,
did you both run the whole way
while holding sparklers
in your hands?
- Well, now I don't
want to answer, but yes.
Yeah, it was... it was freeing.
- Oh, my God. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God.
No, Nico also went
out for this part.
- What? What... what part?
- It's another one of those
"Love, Victor" spin-offs
called, like, "Love, Nicholas."
It's about a gay teen who
falls in love with another boy
and is afraid his
parents are gonna be mad,
but then they
throw him a parade.
The sides were psycho,
but every gay alive
went out for it while
you were in Croatia.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes, and the actor
who got it sucks.
His name is Lucas Lambert Moy,
and anytime he books a role...
Which is constantly...
He stays in character
the whole shoot.
It's his method.
- So you're saying I
learned life lessons
from a fake gay teen all night?
Yes, bitch!
- Oh, my God.
I thought we were
actually hanging out.
I told him how embarrassed I was
that I've been obsessing
over "Night Nurse."
- Oh, well, I mean, I
could maybe see that, yeah.
- I told him I was glad to
be in the moment with him.
But he wasn't in the moment.
He was... working?
- Oh. I'm sorry, friend.
How do you feel?
- So... unproductive.
- Wait, what is this takeaway?
- I need another fucking role.
Now.
Honey, I'm home!
Pat?
- B, is that you?
- Hey.
- Hell yeah, baby.
I missed you.
- I missed you too.
Sorry I was gone so long.
I...
How was work?
- Very good.
That baby we thought
died survived.
We brought it back.
It was the loveliest
thing I ever did see.
- That's good.
- Oh, you left me a voicemail!
You said you did
something stupid
but kind of big last night?
- Uh, yeah.
I quit my job.
- Pat?
"Night Nurse" has
been out a week.
As we continue to celebrate,
let's not forget
the amazing crew,
who I think might
literally be wizards?
Happy National Nurses Day!
Playing Nurse Louis was
the honor of my life,
and I'm so thankful
to the writers
for trusting me with him.
With wild, complicated,
always-there-when-you-need-him
Lou...
OK, to everyone asking about
a Nurse Louis spin-off:
LOL, thank you!
But I'm pretty sure
this was just a one-off,
and I wouldn't want to ruin
the artistic vision of...
Just took BuzzFeed's "Which
'Night Nurse' nurse are you?"
LOL.
If you take it, tag me,
and I'll post it to my...
Sorry for the serious post,
but our line producer's mother's
friend's dog is not doing well,
so let's share some
love on his Insta.
"Night Nurse" Hive, ri...
- "Night Nurse" Hive?
Ugh.
My dear God, dude.
- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
- Also in the summer schedule,
"Drape Disasters
with Maria Menounos."
She goes into homes where the
drapes are just a disaster.
- Uh-huh.
- New episodes would air
at 2:00, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30,
4:00, 4:30,
5:00, not 5:30, and 6:00.
- Sounds great. Approved!
- Great.
We're
so glad you like it.
We love Maria, and
we love drapes.
OK, moving on, we
also have a show
with a woman named
Alyssa Schechter.
She has eight kids,
and she is so, so nice.
- And what's that one called?
- It's called "Alyssa Schechter:
She Has Eight Kids and
She is So, So Nice."
- Yes! That way, people
know exactly what it is.
Approved.
- Great.
- Brookie, we have a
lot of good programming.
- Yes, I am proud to be a
part of all these vital shows.
What work we do.
- Well, thanks, Pat.
Don't want to take up
any more of your time.
You've already been
here seven minutes.
So let's clear the elevator
and pull her car around.
Great work, everybody.
- Bye, Mom.
- Oh, hold on.
Brookie, I am happy
to stay longer
if people need
anything else from me.
- Oh, no, we just need you
once a month for approvals.
We set it up this way
on purpose, remember?
The talk show was killing you.
So go home.
Bowl in your bowling alley.
Make guacamole on
your guacamole floor.
- Well, I've already
done all that.
- Then hang in the city.
Take a stroll in Central Park.
- Oh.
- You want to take a
stroll in Central Park?
- Yeah, sure.
That could be fun.
- OK, then let's head
back to your house
and get started on all
the safety protocols
to make that happen.
- Uh, protocol...
- Walter, we're on
our way to home base.
- Crap, we forgot one.
Can you ask your
mom if she likes
"Junk Drawer Rehab
with David Archuleta"?
Uh...
Hello?
- Brooke, where are you?
I need you to come do
something important.
Really? You
promise it's important?
- Yes, I need you to help close
an $8 million deal for Chase.
So pack your bag.
You're headed to Los Angeles.
- Yes!
- We... were talking.
- Cary, hey, want to
come watch "Drag Race"?
Me and some friends
are gonna order food
and talk over the
whole goddamn thing.
- Ugh, I don't
think I can today.
- Boo! You were
gone for so long
and then had "Night
Nurse" stuff last week.
We need a dumb hang.
- I know. I just...
I do still have "Night
Nurse" stuff this week, so...
- Whoa, really?
Well, if you're
free this Saturday,
we're bingeing
"Australian Survivor,"
and there's this guy on it
with the hugest nipples
you'll ever see.
- Ew.
- No, no, no.
They work, and we love them.
- OK.
All right, I-I gotta run. Bye.
Oh, all right, bye...
- Position one.
- OK, thought that was one.
- All right, position two.
- Two? You want to see two?
- What in the absolute
hell is going on here?
- Oh, hey, Cary.
No, I'm just standing
in for Chase, you know,
while they get his
pit nice and ready.
- I'm sorry, his what?
- Yeah.
Now that he's 18,
he's doing his first-ever photo
where he gets to show off
his full adult man's armpit.
I mean, I don't
know if you've noticed,
but up until now,
Chase has always had
to wear shirts to cover his pit
'cause it was a
child's pit, Cary.
But now that he's an adult,
we can get that big,
beautiful thing out there.
And I'm not talking
about part of the pit.
I'm talking about the whole pit,
tip to taint.
- OK, this is disgusting.
- What? No.
Cary, this is one of the
most beautiful moments
in a male singer's life.
I mean, surely you
remember the first time
you saw JT's pit.
- OK, I do, actually. Yes.
- Exactly.
And now "Rolling Stone" is
gonna pay Chase $8 million
for exclusive rights to his pit.
- They are?
- Yes!
And "GQ" is pissed.
I mean, they wanted it bad.
And I don't blame them.
It's quite a pit.
Have you seen it?
- I'm good.
- Go check it out.
- Ugh.
- Take a peek at the pit
before we start
charging admission.
- Chase.
- Hey, Cary.
- Comb.
- I'd give you a
hug, but I don't want
to mush up my pit hair.
- Do not hug him.
I've been here since 4:00.
His pit was a disaster. Comb!
- Well, what I see now
looks like, uh, $8 million.
And you're OK with this?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm just excited for people to
start seeing me as an adult.
- How's my pit looking?
- Shuli!
Yes, just the girl
I came to see.
- Oh, no, it's the old one.
- I have been looking
for a publicist
to keep making the
most of "Night Nurse."
But I've called everyone in town
and no one said yes,
so I thought maybe, um,
you'd want the gig?
- Cary, no offense,
but I only do big-league stuff,
like this.
- Fuck!
We're blow-drying it too much.
The pit is starting to flake!
- But since you came
all the way here,
I have someone I do
think could help you.
I'll text her info.
- Oh, my God.
Shuli, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, and hey, um, Brooke
has a license, right?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, "Rolling Stone"
is terrified this pit
pic is gonna leak,
so they don't want us
to email it to them
or upload it to the
internet in any way,
so I'm gonna have Brooke
drive it across the
country on a thumb drive
and hand-deliver
it to them in LA.
- And she agreed to do this?
- Basically.
- Hey, Lance.
Sorry I've been MIA.
I'm not upset anymore.
Work's just been crazy...
And fulfilling, yeah.
Shuli's actually
sending me to LA tonight
for a really,
really important...
You want me to what?
- Brooke, this is how
all the big artists
transport their IP.
It's how Taylor
delivers her music,
and now it'll be how
Chase delivers his art.
- The photo has been
secured in the back
of this discreet
FreshDirect truck.
- So there's just one
photo of my brother's pit
in this whole truck?
- No, there's $8 million
in this whole truck.
And if anyone intercepts
it, it's your ass.
You know what?
I should go too, be
an extra set of eyes
on the lookout for road thieves,
someone from "GQ" or
maybe "Men's Health."
- Ugh.
- Of course, you know,
we're gonna need new names.
OK, from now on,
you will be a trucker named Pam
and I will be Rusty Calhoun,
uh, your loyal road dog.
- OK, I am not
doing any of that.
Also, you're not coming.
- Pam.
- God.
At least Mom gets
to spend the day
strolling in Central Park.
- OK, so we got approval
from the Parks Department
to clear the park for an hour.
Now we're just
waiting to hear back
from the mayor's
office, but Diane
is running things there now,
so who knows how
long that'll take?
- 'Cause... 'cause Diane's bad?
- Oh, Cary Dubek.
- Hey.
- So I just gotta say,
I loved "Night Nurse,"
and I'm gonna get you the
best press I possibly can.
- Whoa! That's
great. OK, thank you.
- Let me just make sure I
have all the details correct.
You were the third lead, right?
- Yeah.
- And it's available on VOD?
- It is.
- And it came out
eight days ago?
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
So I can secure you
an exclusive feature
- Oh, um...
I was hoping for more,
like, "Rolling Stone" or...
- Oh.
- Or something.
the "Rolling Stone" of websites
about burrito spots in Brooklyn.
- Uh, what... what
would the press be?
- Oh, it's so fun.
You would choose ten
burrito spots in Brooklyn.
You would get on Google Maps,
figure out how to
get to all of them,
then you would buy
a burrito at each.
Don't worry, you'd
be reimbursed.
Just fill out a W-9.
And then you would
rank them on a scale
of one to five nurses.
You know, for "Night Nurse."
So you would write,
like, "Too much cheese,
two out of five
nurses," or whatever.
That's just an example.
You're the actor.
- Ah.
- If you're interested,
they would love for you
to pop by their
offices today to chat.
You just take the 1 to the L
to the very, very
last stop on the F.
- And then the article would,
what, run on their website
with, like, a little
picture of me?
- That's exactly right.
You in?
- I mean, all press
is good press.
- Hey, you're cute.
Want to get coffee?
- Sorry.
I'm, like, slammed with press.
- Whoa, you're hot.
Would you want to go fuck?
- That is so kind of you,
but I have to take
a series of trains
Hey.
Um, are you busy right now?
There's this carnival that
I thought we could go to
and then maybe lay in the grass
after and look at the stars,
perhaps even... fall in love?
- Wow, that sounds
comically lovely.
Ugh, wish I didn't
have to rank burritos.
But I do. Goodbye forever.
Order up!
God.
- Hey there.
What are you doing
all the way out here
in the middle of nowhere?
- Uh..."working"?
I'm a talent manager.
- Oh, wow.
Uh, I'm impressed.
Don't be.
Right now, I'm driving a photo
of ChaseDreams' armpit
across the nation
in a grocery truck.
- Oh.
Well, that sounds... cool.
Uh, I only drive
actual groceries.
But, uh, what you're doing
sounds kind of important,
which is... pretty sexy.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Uh...
Can I maybe buy you a drink?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Why not?
- All right.
Be right back.
- OK.
Yes.
Nice try, dude.
My job's important?
I knew right away you
were full of shit.
Who do you work for, "GQ"?
- Oh, yes, damn it!
- Wait, really?
Like, you are from "GQ" and you
are trying to steal this pic?
- I mean, it is Chase
all grown up, right?
Like, you see his whole pit?
Tip to taint.
- Ooh!
- But unfortunately for you,
this beauty's going
straight to "Rolling Stone."
Or is it?
Because while we were
flirting, I stole your keys.
Ha! Yeah, sorry.
I've been doing this
a lot longer than you.
They're right... wait.
And I've been doing
it even long...
Oh, shit.
Damn it!
Jesus. Ha-ha!
Even longer.
And now if you'll excuse us,
we have an armpit to deliver.
After you, Pam.
- Thank you...
Rusty Calhoun.
Hmph!
- Rats!
- Hi. Cary Dubek.
Sorry it's so late.
Uh, lot of trains.
Um, I'm here to talk press
- Oh, you came.
- Yes.
Why is that weird...
- Cary, welcome.
I'm Dr. Wiegland.
This is a mental
health facility.
- Am I not here
to review burritos
on a scale of one
to five nurses?
- No, you are here
because anyone
desperate enough to say
yes to that level of press
and then actually show up
to do it is deeply unwell.
- So the publicist
Shuli said could help me
sent me to a brain doctor?
- If you sign this,
you'll be voluntarily
admitting yourself for one year
while we help your brain heal.
And if you sign this,
it gives permission
for students at
local universities
to study your brain,
for it is that broken.
Mm.
Hello?
- Cary!
Rob from Owens & Berger PR.
Yeah, I'm sorry it took a sec,
but we would be thrilled
to work with you.
- Whoa.
Really? Is... is that true?
- Yes. "Night
Nurse" was awesome.
We could start sending
you out on stuff tomorrow.
There's gonna be a lot
of demand for you, Cary.
- Yes!
I knew it.
Huh?
- Whoa, is that a hitchhiker?
I didn't think people
still did that.
- They don't.
Nice try, "GQ"!
- Rats!
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Brooke, look.
Ah!
- Whoa, there is
a pregnant woman
on the side of the road,
and her car is on fire.
Streeter, we have to stop!
- Oh, Brooke, you sweet child.
You're gonna have to try
harder than that, "GQ"!
Rats!
- This is so insane.
- Wait, wait. One more.
Oh!
Oop, Brooke, I think
we're getting pulled over.
Yeah, right, we are.
This is your fakest
one yet, "GQ"!
OK, so these
ones were just cops.
- Yay! Oh, my
God, you made it.
Oh! Come in.
Cary, this is Nico, Rich,
JP, Theo, Tyler, and Paul.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- How do you all,
uh, know each other?
- Oh, um, well, Theo and I met
on Grindr a couple years ago,
but he wasn't into it.
And Rich and I met
on Grindr last month,
and I wasn't into it.
Then JP and I met
yesterday on Grindr,
and neither of us were into it.
And Tyler is my barista.
- Oh.
- Oh, wait, yeah.
You remember Tyler,
Nico, and Paul.
They were at your, um,
terrible VOD party.
- Oh, yeah. Of course, hi.
- Hey.
- I can't believe you
all watch "Survivor."
I thought it was
violently straight.
- What?
Have you ever met a gay person?
- Uh, yeah...
- Cary, get in here
so I can make you
a piece-of-shit drink.
- Oh, sorry.
- So tell me about
this publicist.
- Oh, my God, he's got me
so many things 'cause
of "Night Nurse."
It's crazy.
- OK, and we're sure
he's not also a mental
health provider in disguise?
- No, no, no, no.
It's... it's all real.
I already shot it all.
Like, he got me this
feature in "Rolling Stone."
It's gonna be Chase's
issue, I think.
It's a spread called
"The Next James Dean."
Yeah, I shot all these pics
re-creating James
Dean's iconic looks.
And I'm in the new Calvin
Klein underwear campaign.
- What?
- I know!
- Holy shit!
- Yeah, no.
I'm not, like, the
star or anything.
It's just a bunch
of young actors,
like Hollywood's next
gen, all in our Calvins.
Yeah, I shot my stuff alone,
and then they're gonna put in,
like, Jacob Elordi and
Sadie Sink and other people.
I think it's gonna
be really cool.
- Um, yeah, I think
it will! Jesus!
Oh, this is my publicist
calling right now.
- My God.
- Hello.
- Cary, everything
looks so good.
- OK.
- We just need you to DocuSign
releases for everything,
and we'll be all set.
- OK. Yeah, no, I can...
I can actually do that
right now while I have you.
And sent.
We have
received the final document.
Bring us $100,000, or we
will release the press.
- Rob?
- You have until
midnight tonight.
Tick tock, Dubek.
Sorry, I gotta go.
I think I'm being...
blackmailed for $100,000.
Sorry, guys, gotta run.
- What?
- I'm currently
being blackmailed.
- Nice to see you again.
- OK, girl.
- Bye.
- What happened?
- So I'm sure you understand
why we brought you in.
- Mm-hmm.
- First we tried
to pull you over,
and you sped away.
- Yes.
Very bad decision, sir.
- Then you gave us
fake IDs that said, uh,
Pam and Rusty Calhoun on them.
- What? That's so suspicious.
- And when we asked to
see inside your truck,
you screamed no and
swallowed the key.
- Huge red flag.
I'd arrest us.
- We have no choice
but to detain you
as we try to cut
open your vehicle.
- Anything you need, Officer.
Right, Brooke?
- I don't know.
I still think this is "GQ."
What? No.
She's ki... she's ki...
She's kidding, Officer.
- I mean, they look like cops.
They certainly...
Smell like cops.
But something tells me
they're nothing more
than a couple of "GQ" fags.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not use that language.
- Aha! That was a test.
If you were cops,
you'd love that word.
- Look, officers,
I... I promise you,
there's nothing
weird in our truck.
Just one pic of a teen's armpit,
nice and normal.
We're driving across
country for work.
- Sorry, uh, how
is that your job?
- Oh, that's good.
They're good, yeah!
Oh, how
is that your job?
It's so embarrassing.
Welp, heard it all
before, boys...
In my dreams.
- OK, we don't
have time for this.
We'll be back once we
get the truck open.
In the meantime, we
will be charging you
with evading arrest, which
is a category D felony.
- N-no, uh... sorry, wait...
- Someone will be here shortly
to bring you to your cell.
Sorry, ma'am.
We really are cops.
- Anyone here?
Uh, hello?
Rob?
Uh, just had a few questions
about our last call.
Where is the money?
We are not messing
around, Dubek.
- Sorry, I just...
I don't understand.
I, uh... I want this
press to be released.
I mean, "Rolling
Stone" called me
the next James Dean...
right?
- Dubek, you fool.
You were the third
lead in a VOD film.
"Rolling Stone" doesn't
know shit about this.
But the whole world
will know you thought
you got this if you do not pay.
- Oh, my God.
- They'll also know about this!
- Wait, this wasn't real either?
Am I not part of
Hollywood's next gen?
You're 33 1/2, Dubek.
Now, bring us our
money, or else.
- Oh, Jesus.
Should I see a brain doctor?
Uh, please don't
release the press.
I... I'll get you
the money, I promise.
Fuck!
Huh?
- Oh, um...
uh, sorry.
If we are being held,
don't we get a phone call?
I just want to let my mom
or brother know where I am.
- You have two minutes.
I'll be right outside.
- OK, thank you.
OK.
Shit.
- What?
- I don't know their numbers.
The only person's I know is...
Fuck!
Ugh, I can't believe I'm
now calling my nurse fiancé
at his hospital to
tell him I got arrested
while driving my brother's
armpit across the country.
- It does sound bad all
strung out like that.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
- B?
Hell yeah. I miss you, baby.
- Yeah. Yeah, I...
I miss you too.
- What's going on?
How's that big job
Shuli gave you?
Yo, hey, make sure
you up her morphine
until she's comfortable, and
then you gotta dab after.
She loves the dab.
- Uh...
never mind.
Yeah, I had a question,
but I figured it out, so...
I actually gotta go.
I'm really busy here.
- OK, well, come home
soon. I want to see you.
And have fun at "GQ."
- Wait, what?
- Have fun at "GQ."
When you called me just now,
it came up as "GQ" on my phone.
B?
- Nice try, "GQ"!
- Yeah, suck it, "GQ"!
B?
- Rats!
- Oh, God.
Hey, Mom.
- Cary!
Oh, yay!
What a nice surprise.
- How, uh, are you?
- I'm good.
On Tuesday, I decided to go
for a stroll in Central Park.
- That's nice. Uh, how was it?
- Oh, I haven't
gotten to go yet.
- Sorry, ma'am, Melissa's
at the mayor's office now
and wants to know if you want
to stroll over the bridge.
- Oh, sure. That could be fun.
- Or I don't need to,
if that would help.
- OK, she's fine
without the bridge.
- Sorry, just in a little
bit of a time crunch here.
Uh, so I shot some
press for "Night Nurse,"
um, that was
actually... kompromat,
and now I'm being blackmailed
for $100,000, so...
- Oh, well, I can
give you 100,000.
- Oh, really?
Are... are you sure?
- Well, yes.
If you're in trouble,
I want to help.
Though I will need a favor.
Come here for a sec.
Sit down.
- What's wrong?
If I give you this,
you can never, ever post
about "Night Nurse" again.
- Wait, what?
- I love you so much, Cary.
But your Instagram
presence is not good.
- What?
Mom, half your Twitter feed
is accidental texts to people.
Plus, I need to post sometimes.
Like, what about on the
one-month anniversary of...
- No, you won't be
able to post then.
- Well, what about
on Edie Falco's...
- No birthday posts either.
If I give you this,
you need to stop.
"Night Nurse" was so good.
I loved it.
But it's over!
You need to move on.
See friends, go on
dates, I don't care.
Do anything else!
- Good news, ma'am.
- Yeah?
- We got approval from
the mayor's office.
- Oh, yay!
- Now we're just waiting on JFK
to clear the airspace
above the park
so you're not attacked
from above on the stroll.
- Oh. Yes.
We wouldn't want that.
No, ma'am.
- OK. All right.
I... I promise I
won't post anymore.
- Then I'll have
the money wired.
Now, go.
There's a whole big
world out there.
Go live in it.
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you, Mom.
I love you.
- I love you.
Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
- Oh, yes! I knew
those weren't cops.
Suck my dick, "GQ"!
- Hell yeah! Go off, sister.
- I wouldn't have even
known they weren't cops
if it wasn't for you.
- Aw.
- I think you might be
one of the smartest people
I have ever met?
- I've been waiting
for this day.
- Also, this picture
is important.
It's making Chase happy.
- Yeah.
- Plus, it's gonna
be huge for his fans.
I mean, I remember the
first time I saw JT's pit.
I came so hard to
that baby for months.
Wait, are we just shuttling
porn across the country?
You know what? No. I'm
not taking that on.
It's not porn. It's culture.
- Right.
- We are shuttling culture
across the country.
Peters and Dubek, baby!
Whoo!
Dream team!
- Dream team!
- OK.
What?
I guess...
- You came.
Or...
you sort of just missed it.
- Oh, hi.
Uh, you mean the carnival?
Wasn't that a
couple of days ago?
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I...
I come here a lot.
It's sort of my favorite
place in this whole town.
- Uh...
- Cotton candy?
Got an extra one.
- Uh, sorry, am I dreaming this?
I feel like you just
arrived in my life
at the exact right moment.
Or sorry, that's an
incredibly stupid
thing to say out loud.
- Hey, no.
You're not stupid.
- Thank you.
I just... I've
been very obsessed
with this movie I
was in recently.
Apparently I haven't stopped
talking about it for weeks.
Guess I was being sort
of crazy about it.
Like, I didn't think so, but...
- You know, there's
this place I go to
whenever this town's
making me feel crazy.
Would you... want to see it?
OK, come on.
- Hey, it's me.
Uh, sorry about the phone tag,
but it looks like I'll
be coming home tomorrow.
I actually... I can't wait
to tell you about my day.
I did something
that's maybe stupid
but also actually kind of big?
Oh, I gotta go.
OK. I love you.
Bye.
- OK? OK.
- Great.
- Gavin, "Rolling Stone."
- Hi.
- Thanks for making the trip.
I'm sure all the precautions
felt kind of dumb.
- Oh, no, not at all.
I never thought about
its dumbness once.
Anyway, here you go.
Here is one teen's pit.
- Great. Let's take a look.
He's
gonna take a look.
OK.
Yep, you had one of the decoys.
- Uh, one of the what?
- One of the decoy pits.
Principle Records knew
so many people
would be after this,
they sent out six
different trucks,
five with decoys.
So you two were
transporting this.
- Wait, that's not Chase?
That looks exactly like Chase.
- Holy fucking shit!
Whoa.
- Yeah. This pool
is always unlocked.
So anytime I'm feeling
stressed or crazy,
I come here and just
take off my clothes,
cannonball in,
sink to the bottom,
and let it out.
- Let it... let it out?
- Whatever's bothering me.
Do you want to try?
- Come on.
- I... I don't...
Cannonball!
Whoo!
Cannonball.
[Stefan Melbourne
and Darius Behdad's
- ♪ Here where we
align in a row ♪
♪ A vision enough to be ♪
♪ A binding of wounds ♪
♪ We no longer conceal ♪
- Do you think maybe we'll be
in each other's lives forever?
- Oh. Um, maybe, yeah.
I... I mean, I...
I do think this was one of
the best nights of my life.
I... I guess my mom was right.
I do need to be in
the moment, you know?
Enjoy my life.
- I like you...
Cary Dubek.
- Oh.
I, uh... I like you too,
Nicholas I-don't-
know-your-last-name-yet.
- I can't believe it.
I can't believe this whole time,
we didn't even
have the right pit?
I know.
Shuli really got us.
- This whole trip
was just... nothing.
- Yup. I mean, like, when I
stole the keys from that guy?
For nothing!
And you with the cops?
That was also for nothing.
Oh, you are such a nasty
little minx, Shuli Kucerac!
Streeter, stop!
- Jesus!
I mean, we just
spent a whole week
of our one life doing nothing.
And I mean, who am I kidding?
Even if it had been his
pit, it's still nothing.
I just... I feel
so fucking stupid
that I thought that
this was anything other
than a waste of five days.
- He... yeah, but
hey, we had a time!
Oh, great.
Now Nurse Fantastic
is calling me back.
I mean, what the fuck
am I doing with my life?
- I think...
- What we both do is nothing.
What we do is fucking nothing!
- Yeah, yeah, his
name's Nicholas,
and we met outside
of this carnival.
And we just, like, talked
and ate cotton candy,
and then we broke into a
pool and went swimming.
- Oh, my God, this
sounds like a movie.
- I know, right?
- Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- What?
- Cary, tell me.
When he walked you home,
did you both run the whole way
while holding sparklers
in your hands?
- Well, now I don't
want to answer, but yes.
Yeah, it was... it was freeing.
- Oh, my God. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God.
No, Nico also went
out for this part.
- What? What... what part?
- It's another one of those
"Love, Victor" spin-offs
called, like, "Love, Nicholas."
It's about a gay teen who
falls in love with another boy
and is afraid his
parents are gonna be mad,
but then they
throw him a parade.
The sides were psycho,
but every gay alive
went out for it while
you were in Croatia.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes, and the actor
who got it sucks.
His name is Lucas Lambert Moy,
and anytime he books a role...
Which is constantly...
He stays in character
the whole shoot.
It's his method.
- So you're saying I
learned life lessons
from a fake gay teen all night?
Yes, bitch!
- Oh, my God.
I thought we were
actually hanging out.
I told him how embarrassed I was
that I've been obsessing
over "Night Nurse."
- Oh, well, I mean, I
could maybe see that, yeah.
- I told him I was glad to
be in the moment with him.
But he wasn't in the moment.
He was... working?
- Oh. I'm sorry, friend.
How do you feel?
- So... unproductive.
- Wait, what is this takeaway?
- I need another fucking role.
Now.
Honey, I'm home!
Pat?
- B, is that you?
- Hey.
- Hell yeah, baby.
I missed you.
- I missed you too.
Sorry I was gone so long.
I...
How was work?
- Very good.
That baby we thought
died survived.
We brought it back.
It was the loveliest
thing I ever did see.
- That's good.
- Oh, you left me a voicemail!
You said you did
something stupid
but kind of big last night?
- Uh, yeah.
I quit my job.
- Pat?