The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 19 - Stairmageddon - full transcript

What the hell?
No! This is not happening.
Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon.
Come on, Stanley!
Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today,
and he was really on top of it.
Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign.
The idea was to get us prepared both mentally and physically
for a day that hopefully comes once in a hundred years.
It's a mageddon!
Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!
I put 17 damn years into this company,
and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain?
Come on!
Our office has an unusually large number of unusually large people.
This is an abomination!
Come on, you got this!
OSCAR". So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens,
and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort,
we have to compare it to the end of time.
Red alert, red alert!
The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in!
What? I just got a text from my brother.
What does it say?
I don't know, Phyllis!
I just got the text and started screaming red alert!
Well, the alert was already set to red, because of Stairmageddon.
Do you think I should set it to double red?
I think we should.
"The Office: An American Workplace
"airing on PBS next month is a documentary
"following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin paper company!"
"In the series, which will air starting in May,
"we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people.
"There's Kevin Malone, the Falstaffian accountant,
"Dwight Schrute, the head salesman,
"forever chasing a manager position he will never get."
What does Josh McAulliffe know about the paper business?
He works for a news... Thing.
"Andy Bernard.
"The rudderless trust fund child/middle-manager
"whose incompetence is emblematic
"of a declining American economy."
Ouch. Sorry, Andy. Thafs“.
It's okay.
What the hell does he know?
"A possible explanation for his lack of career focus
"is his surprising musical talent."
I want you to print that out for me. I will.
Now that this documentary is coming out,
my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited.
And you know what? Good!
Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life.
I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.
"Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life,
"a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure
"embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values."
Oh... Which public figure?
I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.
No, I think they mean more like a politician.
You own the building.
Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night?
Who do I look like, Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience.
You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby.
It's time to go out on a sale.
Here we go. Son, you lost your mind.
I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
The buyer is your sister's friend,
this is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna.
You are coming, and that's an order!
You are not my damn boss and you never will be!
Guess what? Never going to happen! Pete. Iced tea!
Three sugars, five creams!
Your morning 3x5 coming right up.
Well, we won't be late. I love you, Mom. Thanks.
Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to?
Oh, um, Embassy Suites,
Do Not Disturb sign on the door,
Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.
I wish. What then?
Oh, nothing that exciting.
Marriage counseling.
Mmm.
Did you know, that is the only kind of counseling I've never had.
You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it,
but I think it could really help. Mmm.
If we're having issues, it can't hurt to talk about them, right?
Hey, Toby. Um... I wanted to ask you a question.
Oh, sure.
It's a little, uh, personal.
Let's do it. Let's get personal.
I wanted to talk to you about your divorce. Whoa.
Sorry. I... No, no, no. What I meant...
What I meant actually, was... No. It's okay,
I can handle it. Uh... So?
You guys obviously went through some tough times
leading up to it.
Okay-
I was wondering if you ever did any couples counseling?
Oh sure, lots of times, yeah.
Wait, you and Pam aren't in couples counseling, are you?
Oh, God!
No, no. We're just starting couples counseling.
Uh...
Which doesn't sound any better.
Even you GUYS-
Kelly called it. 2013.
Hey! Hey, hey. No. No. Get out of here. Clark, get out of here.
My mistake. TOBY: Yes, it is your mistake.
He's lingering, so annoying.
I'm going to kill him.
How can I help? I'm here. That's all right.
Hello, William Morris Agency?
I need to speak with your best agent
who represents your biggest stars.
Yes, I'll hold.
I'm sorry, I misunderstood. Goodbye.
Thank you, Stan.
Oh, honey.
Look, I just want our life to get back to normal.
Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today.
We just need to face the cameras together,
a beloved public servant and his devoted wife.
And move on.
All right. lfl have to be the good wife,
I'll be the best damned wife there is.
Correction, best darned wife.
Sorry, I'm a better wife than that.
Andy, I need to talk to you.
Yeah. Come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency.
Ifsinsane. This promo with me playing banjo
has 250 views already.
And every time I click, there's more. 251.
252. I can't even keep up!
Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
I hate people.
Why do they never do what you need them to do?
Stanley has to go, that's final.
So what I'm hearing you say is,
make Stanley go out on this sales call by whatever means possible?
Yes!
I'm sorry I'm being curt. It's just,
I'm about to land a top talent agent.
Mmm-hmm.
Good luck.
Directory.
Movie Star Department.
Back. Directory.
For five years I've held my instincts in check,
because I wanted to be made manager.
Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go.
It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing, in a way.
Now it's all about my instincts.
Hey, Dwight. Stanley.
One way or another, you are going to come with me
to make this sale.
Pass.
Hey, can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer.
Nothing to be alarmed about,
it's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a co-worker.
Dwight, you do not learn, do you?
For a threat to be credible, you have...
Holy
No, you didn't. I'm sick of you and your...
It's all right. Andy approved it.
Man, he is really in twinkle town now.
Is he going to be okay?
I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like,
two to three times larger than him?
Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull,
and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.
You gave him three shots.
We've got about 45 minutes
to get him to the client before he comes to.
Grab his feet.
Let's go! Move it! All right.
One, two, three!
He's like a manatee.
Ready? Let's go again. Come on.
We can do this. One, two, three!
Oh, God.
No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
We got to get a wheelbarrow or something.
Yes.
Okay, we're good. We're good.
Let's go. Oh, my God.
Push! lam!
Any big weekend plans?
I might see a movie.
Nice. What about you?
Uh, I don't know yet. I was thinking about...
Just go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
And then what?
Okay, listen.
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this,
but I've never actually done this before.
Well, if I may, you're a natural.
Thank you.
I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head, like, a thousand times, but...
That's a little weird.
I know, Evel Knievel.
Okay, that's about as good as that's going to be.
Okay, now here's the plan.
I'm going to launch him. I need you to go down
to the bottom and catch him.
Catch? Yeah.
I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds.
Use your hands and just blunt his descent.
Okay? He's going to be moving slowly... Blunt?
It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45 degree angle. Get set in your haunches.
It's like you're catching a medicine...
Dude, the size of my haunches...
Okay, good call.
He would have put a hole in your chest,
same as he put a hole in that wall.
We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
You Okay?
So, how does it work?
Is it like, you know, the action of talking
to a third party breaks up the logjam, or...
You're really there to talk to each other.
I'd say the therapist is more of a facilitator.
Mmm.
He might start by asking each of you,
"Why do you think you're here?"
He took this job in Philly without telling me.
He bought our house without telling me.
At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that.
If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam,
she'd be married to Roy.
I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family,
and then I'm left playing catch up.
If she can just hang on for a little while longer...
This will be so huge for our family.
Well, what's a little while?
What do you mean? I mean, what's the end date?
I mean, it must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy,
if she doesn't know when it's going to end.
That's kind of an impossible question.
Oh, guys, it's starting, hurry!
Oh, there's Angela!
I work with her!
Yeah.
I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but...
That's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act,
so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.
Her hair looks beautiful.
Yeah, we get it, Phyllis! She looks like a freaking movie star!
I would just like to start by saying there have been some rumors
about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all.
As my long-suffering wife can attest,
I am gay-
Senator, were you always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Question for the Senator's beard.
I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual!
Poor Angela.
Yeah, poor Angela.
I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight.
It wasn't until my marriage to Angela
that I realized how charmless I find the female body.
Ooh! Always hurts to hear that one.
There is someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Come on!
Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am.
For the first... Oscar is with the Senator, too?
Yes! And I knew it the whole time!
I kept a secret, I kept a secret so good!
You didn't know, and you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know.
But I knew!
He knew! Yes.
We did it!
You did it, Kevin.
Yes!
Oh!
I did it. Oh, I did it.
And with my new self-awareness,
I was finally able to find love at long last,
with my amazing Chief of Staff, Wesley Silver.
What? Wesley Silver is gay?
Whoa!
They make a nice couple.
Almost there, almost there.
Okay. We're running late, let's get him inside.
We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Are you kidding me?
The bubble wrap is the only thing
that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled.
These meetings are all about presentation.
That's actually really smart. Thank you.
God, if only there was any other use
or situation for that kind of knowledge.
Let's get him inside.
Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent.
She does writers, directors, travel and real estate.
Actor?
Oh, no.
Well, I have an act. Dog-Cat-Mouse.
Yeah, wow. Cool.
Is it hard to train them to do that?
Mmm... You go through a lot of mice.
It started by accident, actually, as these things tend to do.
You know, I was setting down my cat
and I accidentally put her on top of my dog,
and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait.
Wait a second.
Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Yeah.
A little hat. Yeah. Oh, that's cute.
What's the mouse's name?
You know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice.
They're kind of like cannon fodder, you know?
You're not one of those PETA guys, are you?
Well... Oh, great.
Wait, wait. How are we doing this?
Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Just say arms and legs, okay? That's just...
That's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.
Fine. Let's go.
Hoist his shank! On three!
What's a shank? It's by the tenderloin.
Roll him. Roll him. Okay, good, good.
Okay, careful. He's slouching. Okay.
Can you slouch him into the seat?
Here, go around, get the seatbelt.
All right.
Got it? Yeah.
Y9K)-
Get in the back.
What? Get in the back.
Oh, come on! Get in.
Damn it.
Okay, Stanley, do you understand what we're about to do?
Hello.
Okay. There's nobody there.
Hey, listen, listen.
We are going to go discuss paper contracts
for City of Lackawanna Public Schools, okay?
Pigeons. Oh, God. This is bad.
Looks like we've got no choice.
You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?
New plan, okay?
We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan.
Let's go. Give me a hand.
Here we go! Come on, Stanley!
Here we go! Upsie-doozy, there we go. Okay, all right.
Come on, big guy. You can walk, right?
Yeah, what a pretty smile. Let's go.
I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success,
but I don't want him to do it anymore,
and I don't want to give him an ultimatum,
but I am not moving our family to Philly.
Well, if Pam says she won't go,
then we're going to need a lot more than counseling.
That was exhausting.
Blah, blah, blah.
Jim.
Well, they deserve each other. They do.
That they do. That they do. That is for sure.
And for your... Oh! Whoopsie daisy! There.
Stanley, what is going on here?
He's fine. He gets carsick really easily.
The drive. It was a long drive.
He was in the back seat.
But right now, we're talking to Mrs. Davis
about the full range of the products that we offer,
and our competitive rates. Right, Stanley?
Ooh! Look at that baby!
Stanley.
Oh...
That's Benji in the middle.
That's Benji. Oh, he's precious.
That's a healthy looking baby.
A very special little boy.
Mmm...
Look at him! I've never seen such a beautiful child!
He has a funny sense of humor.
If you push his nose, he'll go, llEee-ll
Like this? Watch... Eee!
Like that.
A beautiful family.
Right? Come on!
Come on! DWIGHT: Yeah? Maybe I'll never be manager.
But I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman
to close a sale with one of our biggest clients.
And I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley.
I think we should consider injecting him
with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
So, what can you do?
Well, what can't I do, right?
I can sing, I can dance,
I can play the banjo, innit?
And if you hadn't noticed, I got a pretty good British accent.
Can you drive a car?
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Why do you have a high school musical here on your resume?
What are you, like, 40, 45?
My exact age is 28 to 34,
so basically just send me out
on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.
Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Yes, and yes.
Would you dress up as say, a birthday clown,
and go to a kid's party and let them throw pies atyou?
Whereas that is not why I have entered show business,
I do understand that you have to build credibility.
I'm all for it.
Well, Mr. Bernard, I'll be honest with you.
Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Oh. No. We're going to take you on as a client.
You are?
Yes! Yes!
Are you being for real right now?
Oh, man.
Ah. Yes!
I need this so bad.
I really think this is what could fix me.
We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir.
Pay Todd on your way out.
Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you.
But with Carla, you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front.
And that includes headshots.
Oh, it doesn't include headshots.
Itdoesn% include headshots.
Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did.
I'm still getting a bargain, though.
So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids
and we closed it?
You earned yourself a nice, fat commission
and you didn't even know it.
I'll go tell Andy the good news.
Oh, silly me.
Got to take the stairs. Oh, no. I'm not doing that again.
You got me down, you got to get me back up.
No, no.
We need a winch and a hoist.