The Office (2005–2013): Season 9, Episode 20 - Paper Airplane - full transcript

Oh. Hey, champions.
Good morning.
Quarter finals in an hour, hope you got some sleep,
because I'm going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
I did. I got some really good sleep.
Did you?
Zzz...
Yesterday was the first round of a branch-wide paper airplane contest.
It was being sponsored by WeyerHammer Paper
in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product,
Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper.
It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean.
It's practically made of plastic.
We started with 16 brave aviators.
Some used skill.
Others relied on showmanship.
Others seemed not to comprehend
- what a paper airplane is. - Oh!
And of course there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.
I think I left my glasses down here somewhere.
Crossing through. Beep, beep.
Ow! Ow!
I didn't see you! You should have yelling "crossing!"
I'm sorry.
Okay, so is that my spot?
We are now down to an elite eight.
Well, seven, and Toby.
"Be careful of that beaker. It contains dangerous acid!"
it does not say "dangerous" and there's no exclamation point.
Well, I'm just... I'm trying to bring some life to it.
Last week I got an agent, and uh, this week I got a movie.
HRPDC Chemical Handling Protocols.
It's going to be seen by tons of workers
in the industrial chemical community,
one of whom could have a cousin
whose brother is Brad Pitt, and then boom!
Next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs 2.
Andy? Go away! We're running lines.
You wanted to see the gooey eye.
Oh, yeah. All right, get over here.
I'm so freaked out by things going into eyes. ltjust... Wow.
Oh, ugh!
I can't even... I'm so freaked out by that. Just go.
Go, go, go. All right. It's getting gooier.
So, we'll just do it later. Okay.
All right, where were we?
We stopped at "full of acid."
"And remember, do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water.
"It will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame."
That was great, man. All right, I'm out of here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Don't go anywhere.
I just need to find more colors.
Let's do it six more times.
Hey, I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids
and let me sleep.
And I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
I appreciate that you appreciate that.
So, we had couples therapy.
No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.
And we have homework. Yes.
We are supposed to look for every chance
to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices.
Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house
While I'm in Philly.
And we are also supposed to speak our truths. Mmm-hmm.
Becauseiflhad spoken my truth earlier
about not wanting to move to Philly,
then maybe we wouldn't have had
this opportunity for couples therapy.
Oh, we're supposed to call everything
we don't want to do "opportunities."
Heads up, everyone!
If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow.
Carla Fern got me a gig.
Hey. Yeah.
Who's Carla Fern?
Who is Carla Fern? Well...
Wow.
Uh, she's my agent and my drill sergeant.
And one of my best friends.
Oh, and, Oscar, I already figured out
if I have to get emotional in the film,
I'm just gonna think about you getting dumped by the Senator.
Why don't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.
It's a little raw. Not cool, Oscar.
But you just... Not cool.
Okay. Day two.
Drama in the warehouse skies.
This is Robert from WeyerHammer Paper
who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.
Who's pumped for the quarterfinals, huh?
I'm pumped.
- Clark's a dead man. - All right.
Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this.
- Oh, my God. - Wow.
Nellie, you didn't tell us we could win money.
Oh, yes, I did. I told you all.
It was, um... 'Cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.
Not one of us remembers you saying anything about $2,000.
I forgot. I completely forgot.
But at least now that large piece of cardboard
that man was carrying around makes sense.
Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously.
Oh, please.
Me? Oh, I'm fine.
I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator.
But my new studio apartment...
...is just fine for me and Phillip
and Tinkie and Crinklepuss and Bandit Two and Pawlick Baggins
and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.
Oh, my God. Come here. Come here, let's go.
I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it.
And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm,
I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps
you read about that try to bag a farmer.
I offered myself to Angela, and she turned me down.
If she changes her mind, the next move is hers.
I'm with Esther now, she's younger than Angela.
Sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field.
Let's be honest, when it came to manured fields,
Angela was, at best, indifferent.
Oh, wide wings, interesting.
Hey! Why don't you back off?
I mean, best of luck to you in the competition.
Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids for everything.
Snacks, pillows, parents.
I'm kind of worried about Pete seeing that side of me.
I once ripped Greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head
just for a handful of Crispix.
Are you in that paper documentary, too? Yup.
You need an agent? No.
I mean, you never acted in anything before.
He's just my entourage.
I was in The Wiz in high school.
That's the clicky-clacker.
He clicks that, and then the guy says, "Action."
Hey, I made 'em get you a chair.
All my clients sit.
Can I take your picture?
I guess it's starting.
Um...
Yeah. Of course. Yeah, sure.
Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you, and then I can take it.
We just need a picture of the top of your head
in case we burn some of your hair off.
Got it.
Sorry.
No, if you just keep it down until...
Okay-
Okay, next up we have two creatures, great and small.
Kevin versus Angela.
Yes.
Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?
Uh-huh.
Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself,
'cause it's in the rules
that you have to fold your own plane.
Of course.
Kevin, did you make that yourself?
Yes. In a way.
From one that I bought on Craigslist.
Oh, man. I call for a refold.
No.
Really? You can't do that.
Thank you.
This is flatter.
It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.
Okay, that's enough. This is the end of the ream now.
You have to pick one.
I can't. I love them all too much.
And none of them fly. So that makes it harder.
You have to choose one now.
Fine.
Angela advances. Nice.
Whoo!
Was Dwight rooting for me?
Hmm.
I hadn't noticed.
I'm not giving up.
I am gonna keep making planes until one of 'em flies.
Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.
An Earl Grey tea for the lady.
Oh, thank you. Um...
I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea.
Thank you. I like being appreciated.
But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way,
because I felt like a tea anyway, so one trip.
Well, to speak my truth,
I switched to coffee in March.
There's a new espresso machine.
But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.
We are rolling, and action.
This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC Chemical Handling Protocols.
These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.
Okay, um, stop.
Um, why are you smiling?
I just made a character choice to be a scientist
who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
Okay, well, maybe no smiling on this one.
So how do you want... How should I do it?
I don't know. Just like you're reporting the news or something.
Yeah. Okay? Action.
This video is to demonstrate
the HPRDC Chemical Handling Protocols.
It's Tom Brokaw, the newscaster. Come on.
- Who was that? - Tom Brokaw.
Come on, Clark!
Whoa!
Yeah! Oh, eat it, piggy! Eat it!
Oink, oink, oink.
We still got to work together, so we should keep it civil.
I can't hear what you said.
You get your slop?
All right, you know what, this is completely unnecessary.
You already won. Just stop.
Erin. Erin.
What? Relax.
Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.
You can do it, baby.
No, you can't, baby.
You're gonna choke.
Watch and learn.
Dwight defeats Phyllis. Dwight, you are through to the semifinals.
Yes. All right.
Oh, Esther, what are you...
Hey-
You're here early.
Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast,
'cause I knew I was seeing you tonight.
So, there mightjust be a little bit of feather in your nuggets
or just a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.
I like a little feather in my nuggets.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we are now down to the final four.
Dwight, Erin, Angela,
and God only knows how, but Toby.
One of you will walk away with $2,000.
Yeah!
Okay, here you have just knocked over the beaker.
The chemicals splashed in your eye.
Which is insanely painful. Yeah.
And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap into
to really express that pain.
That's great.
So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station
and then just kind of flush out your eyes,
you know, get the chemicals out, all right?
So I just lean over this thing and then
you'll add the water special effect later?
What water special effect?
Yeah, just hold your lids open with one hand
and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.
Like that.
I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts.
I'll get nude if you want me to.
I'll go full Lena Dunham, but I...
Dude, we don't need you to go nude, okay?
Absolutely not.
Justdo the eyewash thing, okay? That's all we're asking here.
Darryl, what do I do?
Hold up, I'm looking at my spit in the microscope.
They want me to use real water in the eyewash scene.
So? I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball.
I've never even used an eyedropper.
So, Andy, you saw how to use this?
You step on the pedal. Water squirts in your eyes.
Carla!
Carla!
It is time for a little T and A.
I give you Toby and Angela.
- On, my God! - Whoa!
Oh, my God. Okay, it's your turn.
Well, Angela is the winner.
Yes.
Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?
Yes, I pity her.
She was recently in a situation
where she could have had it all,
and instead she lost everything.
Mmm. Is she a gambler?
In a way, but not in a stand-up-and-cheer kind of way, like the song.
Mmm.
That is sad.
Andy, if you don't stick your eyes in that machine,
I'm gonna call every production in Northeastern Pennsylvania.
You won't even make an appearance on a security camera!
What's the holdup here?
The actor's crying.
Oh, God.
She yelled at me.
I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.
Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye
and act like it doesn't freak him out.
But you know who can?
Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.
Do you believe in me?
Ibeheveu.
I want to go home.
Yeah! Okay. Beat that.
Whoo!
Okay. Damn it!
Damn it! God...
Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Okay. I got mad.
Yeah. 'Cause I don't like losing, Pete.
I'm just gonna... Sorry, I'm mad, Pete. I'm mad. I'm really mad.
I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money.
I was gonna buy you a sweater. So this is stupid.
It's just the whole contest is stupid. So it feels...
Oh!
Sorry, I'm mad. Okay.
I don't like losing. I thought I was going to win.
Okay, hey, hey, hey-
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm gonna go upstairs and just...
Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner
to thank her for all that extra babysitting.
Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity
to hang out with your mom more,
so let me just put this in my calendar.
I acknowledge with gratitude
that you are being kind and responsible enough
to include it in your calendar.
Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.
Well, I appreciate that some opportunities...
...can be unpleasant...
Sorry, it's work. Hold.
Hey, Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what?
Great. Good.
Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate it if you hung that up,
'cause we were in the middle of a conversation.
I appreciate the sacrifice.
Okay, to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic.
I think that's a little unfair.
Really?
I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for months.
And you had to miss one phone call.
Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?
I guess I will swallow my truth.
Are you guys high?
Because, if so, to speak my truth,
I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me
in some hits off your kind buds.
We're not high.
I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago.
My heartjust feels so...
Blocked up.
The Mark 47 is ready for launch.
Less paste.
Here we go. Rolling and action.
And cut.
We can fix the sound in post. Yeah.
I can do a better one.
That's fine. We'll move on.
I said I can do a better one.
Darryl.
Action.
Kid can act.
Yeah. Yeah.
Each contestant will throw two airplanes.
After you. Thank you.
Oh, God.
Angela's first throw, terrible.
NELLIEI Dwight.
Oh!
Oh, man! It slipped out of my hand. What a whiff.
Oh, how'd that happen? God.
We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation.
It's such a pity.
Just use the money wisely.
Okay?
Okay-
All right.
Don't you dare tank this.
And we have a winner. And it's Dwight.
And it is everyone, because this is over.
Two grand, huh?
I know a guy who can turn that into $800.
Hint, it's me.
VVeH, lguess you needed the money more than me, huh?
Use it wisely.
I was disappointed in Dwight today.
He showed a weakness that was unbecoming.
Even if he did do it for me.
I don't need pity, and I don't need charity.
I have my dignity, and that's enough.
And as long as I have that, I'll be okay.
I know this was really weird and it was really hard.
But I think we're making progress.
So, I'm really sorry that I have to go, but let's keep at this.
Okay_ Okay?
Jim!
Thanks.
All right, have a good trip.
Bye. Bye.
Hey-
I...
"Love suffers long and is kind.
"It is not proud.
"Love bears all things,
"believes all things,
"hopes all things, and endures all things.
"Love never fails.
"And now these three remain.
"Faith, hope, and love.
"But the greatest of these is love."
I love you. I love you.