The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 3 - Lotto - full transcript

Back orders and you never called them
Can you believe this? There's a dog in the car.
You can't leave a dog in a parked car!
Snowboarder, it figures
Do snowboarders hate animals?
I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car
Okay, we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Oscar, it's not that hot out
A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone
and it's not in direct sunlight
So what, Andy? You want to just let him die, you scumbag?
Here, I'm going to get in my car
When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times
That means save the dog
Okay you know what?
I'm going to give him something to drink
Come here, doggy
Come on
Dwight at least aim it
There you go Here, doggy.
He's not even trying Come here doggy, come on.
We're losing cloud cover.
Don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick
Hey, hey, hey Vick did his time
This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window.
Get back, buddy Get back
Oscar, what are you What... No, hey
All right
Yeah
Nice job, Oscar
And one for good measure.
Yeah
So, who's going to take the dog?
Why would we take the dog?
What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Jim, he's not going to start...
Stay, stay
Nein. Sitz!
Gut.
Oscar, what do you want to do? This is kind of your deal.
You want a dog?
There we go that should do it
Yeah, it's good. It'll work
Nice job
Bye, poochie Bye, doggy
Bye
What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?
Oh, man, it's gotta be over $100,000.
Yeah, before taxes
That's still a lot of money
The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday.
$950,000.
And then they quit.
And no one else can focus.
This is it.
This is all on my shoulders.
I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work
I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew
I'm the one who has to say those things.
Hello?
Justine.
Nice surprise. How you doing, baby?
No, no, no. I didn't win
When I got promoted I stopped...
What?
Yeah, Glenn won
You want to call him? Yeah, you should call him
Congratulate him That would be
What?
His number is in your old phone
Oh, you know what? I might have it right
Whoops.
When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool.
They won
playing my birthday
What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people
winning the lottery
This will not end well, right?
Yeah
We're looking at at least one suicide
and one weird sex thing. At least
I don't even know what I'd do with all that money
I know what you'd do with all that money
"Hey, Pam Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.'
No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine
build a house work in town.
Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to.
I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop
or I'd kayak to my job at the bike shop.
And then on the weekends would you hacky sack
back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Whoa, Saucy I thought you liked Maine.
I think we should get a townhouse in Soho
Soho's mostly lofts but okay
And then, every morning I'd walk out onto my terrace
and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city
You know, and just gather ideas for my painting
Oh, God
And then my handsome husband
Which, ideally would be me.
Would bring me a flavored coffee
Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?
Well, in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters
I don't know about Stephen King
Get a divorce Get a divorce
I think I would keep working
And for my salary, I guess I would take like, $1 a year.
Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon
And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do
I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill
Are you kidding me?
Guys, if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time
I'm gonna change my tone
To down here, like Mr. T
And this would get seriously annoying
I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day
Darryl
How we doing on the new warehouse guys?
I don't know
What... Do we have new guys?
No
Are they on their way over?
I haven't hired anyone
What? No warehouse guys?
I have an important order that has to go out by 5:00
I e-mailed you about it
I'm not checking e-mail till lunch
Four hour work week
This is kind of time-sensitive
I got it. I'm doing it
Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.
All right, well until we have a new crew
let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty
Who's in?
As long as you guys don't need me up here
I think we'll be fine No, we don't.
Really? Nobody's going to help her?
Is chivalry dead? Are you volunteering?
Of course, I would
But my hip
I would kill to be at 100%
Jim, how about you?
Yeah. I mean
as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should
Okay, no, no
That... You are so not... Oh, God
False. Andy, I will volunteer
Great
And Kevin
Good old Kevin. He'll do anything
Well, guess what?
I will not do a good job.
Thank you Sure.
Wait, wait. What's this?
Oh, sorry
I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool.
It says "lotto pool' right on top.
Yeah, and I said sorry
Oh, come on
You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?
When did I get so fat?
You look awesome
I didn't hire anyone, if that's why you're here
Where are we in the process?
I have a file of applicants here
I just gotta open it look at it,
interview a bunch of guys hire some of them.
So I say we're in the early stages of the process.
Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
They guys did invite me out to celebrate,
but I decided to just stay home
Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement
You do have a fantastic basement
I did
I did have a fantastic basement
Now it smells like tacos.
You can't air out a basement
And taco air is heavy
It settles at the lowest point
Right. Um
Well, how about we take a look at some applications?
This guy wrote his in green ink.
That's pretty cool Check it out.
Hey
There you go There he is
That is not Darryl
I don't know where Darryl is I suspect, probably,
our Darryl is inside of Fat Darryl.
Okay, 300 boxes of 20-pound white
That's 75 boxes per person So, that's not so bad.
Negative
Three hundred boxes for me zero for you chumps
Deal with it
Nice
Oh, oh, oh
Damn
Yup
Welcome, everybody
My name is Andy, and this is my other brother, Darryl
What? No Newhart fans?
Okay
Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
You mean, what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Your old crew won the lottery?
Does anyone have experience shelving, storing keeping track...
What do we use? The Dewey Decimal System?
Wait, wait. So, all the old guys quit?
Oh, yeah Well
One of them, Glenn is starting one of those fat camps
where he steals your kid in the middle of the night
Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club.
But on a boat
And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals
Could you guys give us a minute?
But stay close You're all doing great
Maybe grab a coffee or if there's any donuts out
you can split one
You know they're for everybody so people get fussy
You know what? Just have a donut
Do you want to talk about this not-winning-the-lottery thing?
I don't
You sure? 'Cause you keep talking about it, so
Nope. I'm good I'm here.
Let's find some warehouse workers Good, great.
Then, can you say things that aren't, like, a huge bummer to everybody?
'Cause the more I talk the more they're going to realize
I don't know what I'm talking about
Okay
We need you, okay? Okay
Okay? Yeah
All right
Ah
What's the problem?
Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power
Ask any female tennis player
or her husband
I didn't feel anything
All right, thank you for coming back in again.
Now, we're going to ask you a few questions Darryl, you have the floor.
Why do you want to work here?
I need a job
It's not a good reason
Good
Keeping them honest
Don't just take the first job that comes your way
'Cause next thing you know it's 10 years later, and you're still there
You could write your obituary tomorrow
It's not going to change.
Are we scaring them straight?
I hope so
Think about this carefully
There's better lives than this one.
I've never been lucky
And I'm not talking about the lottery
I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35.
Who gets a soy allergy at /5?
And why is soy in everything?
Nice, right back where I like you
Can you make 10 copies of this for me? No
Why not? What are you doing?
Buying lottery tickets online
Everyone wants to be rich but nobody wants to work for it
You came in at 10:30 today, right?
Okay, I'll just do this myself
Is everyone licensed? Like a driver's license?
No, warehouse license
Masters in warehouse sciences?
I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind
Is this a joke? No. Not joking.
This is real
Painfully real, what is happening right now
Okay, I'm not going to make it I'm turning back
There's gotta be a better way to do this
This is literally how they built the pyramids
Well, they whipped people which was helpful.
But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way
of moving boxes than Madge or Hide
Yeah
Not that they're not smart people
No, no, very smart
Theirs is more of a physical intelligence
I'd go with that
Like baboons or elephants.
Not that, don't
Guys, when I was a kid my sisters used to butter me up
and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen.
It really made them laugh.
It's a great idea, Kev
I don't think it applies here, though
So, maybe we just
Yeah, we move stuff and have fun.
Kevin doesn't apply
Right, my mom
You need to drop it, okay?
They hate it
I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it.
Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?
You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap, obviously. Um...
How much longer is this going to take?
Did you hire them?
No, because they all left.
What do you mean they left?
I mean, after you bailed
I got confused and frankly, a little weird
And the stuff that you said certainly didn't help
Then I think you should fire me.
What are you talking about? I'm not going to fire you
Yeah, just put me out of my misery.
Okay, this is weird. I don't get the joke
No? Okay
I don't want to be here anymore
Fire me
So Darryl says to me, "Fire me, '
but what he really means is
"I'm going to say something really weird, try and figure out what it means."
So I say, "No, you're not fired.'
But what I really mean is
"I've no idea what you're talking about
"But I'm going to go ahead and hire some people
"for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better."
I really hope that's what he and I mean
Attention
Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse?
We can pay
Come on, Oscar
Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton?
Like your wildest fantasy guy?
Bulk or definition?
Definition
Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness
Are those just show muscles or is he really strong?
Oh, he's plenty strong
It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym
But he moved away
And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean
But Dean got fixated on his calves,
and, uh
And his triceps went to hell.
So, I've been thinking
after we win the lottery we take our winnings...
Our fake winnings
And we move to the South of France
See... No, there's plenty of bicycling for you.
I think that's where they do the Tour de France
It is, yeah
I mean, I just don't know why I'm compromising
if it's my fantasy
Because in my fantasy, it's Maine, and you love it
Because I'm never going to act like that, even in your fantasy
Nope, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now
Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again?
A hot chocolate tea
Gideon, you are a PhD candidate
studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?
North America
And "diminishing" is a little reductive, but, sure that's the headline version
Great
Well, it will bring a fresh, new perspective to the warehouse.
FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Oh, cool We'll figure that out.
Also, FYI
I don't technically have a hearing problem
But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time
I'll hear them as one big jumble
Again, it's not that I can't hear
Because that's false, I can
Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Got it. Duly noted
You
coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Made it. So cool
What a cross section we have here.
It's what I love about interviewing
I get to meet all these people
I wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know or even talk to.
Message in a Bottle, The Postman...
Kevin Costner Kevin Costner, yeah
So
I found this grease
And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
You did say it was a great idea
I heard you say it
So it's not the dumbest idea
It's not the greatest one...
But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes.
And it's clear we're not going to carry them.
So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Exactly.
Hey, I think we're ready to get this...
Jim? Is he okay?
He'll be fine
Surprise! Your new crew
Would you just fire me, man?
Hey, why? Because you didn't win the lottery?
How am I supposed to make you happy?
You want to make me happy? Huh?
Yeah Give me your job.
Haha. What? I'll do it better than you
I earned it, I deserve it
I got passed over God knows why.
Reasons I cannot and will not understand
The job was mine, Andy Everyone said it was mine
Make me manager or fire me.
I'm not going to give you my job
It's my job I earned it!
And here's the thing You weren't even next in line.
I asked about you I saw your file
You have a history of being short with people
and you hired Glenn your buddy,
to replace you in the warehouse
He was under-qualified They saw that.
Also, Darryl, FYI
I already told this to Andy
but you should probably know
I technically don't have a hearing problem
It's just when there's a lot of noises... Nate. Please.
Thank you.
You have no business education
You were going to take classes under Deangelo What happened to that?
He died
He didn't die, his brain died
And my brain is still very much alive
And I'd be happy to give you business classes
How come you haven't asked me about it?
What was... What was the last
I'm having a
No part of this has anything to do with you
I didn't have time because of my daughter
But you had time for a softball clinic
And a Mediterranean cooking class.
Hey, I'm not going to tell you this stuff if you're going to throw it back in my face!
Hey, here's the thing
Jo saw something in you She loved you.
She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing.
She noticed
Okay
Okay, what?
Okay, don't fire me
Okay
My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls.
It's going to be determined by two big black balls.
I control my destiny
I do
I'll put some guys on tonight
The best of your bunch and my bunch
I'll tell you now, though it's going to be mostly my bunch
Yeah, that makes sense
Okay, good All right.
Are they here?
What is going on?
Oh, hey, guys
Why is the forklift in the wall?
Why is the truck empty?
It's not totally empty
Is that grease on my floor?
Okay
I can see why you're angry. You're coming into this cold
But believe me a lot of thought went into this.
And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Okay, Darryl
Listen, and then you will understand
The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing.
So now, it's cool 'cause we found another use for them
Okay, all right
That's... Look, all we were trying to do is we thought we could come up
with a more efficient way to do things.
And?
And we did. I don't know
Jim, tell them what it's called
That's all right
No, Jim, tell them what the name is
Doesn't matter what the name is
Señor Loadenstein that's stupid.
Señor Loadenstein
Tell them why it's called that, Jim
That's okay, we're good
No, Jim, tell us why it's called señor Loadenstein
Porque es muy rápido.
Okay, you know what? It's been a real busy day.
What do you say we put all this away?
Let me see it
It's in beta testing
Let me see it
Get the thing, go
Lube it up. Kevin, start mopping
Uno, dos, tres.
Yeah. I lost my client
I already won the lottery I was born in the US of A, baby
And as backup, I have a Swiss passport
I would spend a lot of time
launching my true crime podcast "The Flenderson Files.'
Duh-buh-bum
Flenderson Files
We came to an agreement
We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone
at the top of a mountain
Right, it's city and country combined
Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio
We can chat any time we want
Just like now
It's too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you going to do about that?
What are you going to do?