The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 7 - Christening - full transcript

I know a lot of us
have been feeling
under the weather lately,

it's that time of year,

and according to
a study done by the
University of Arizona,

they discovered
that your keyboards

have hundreds of
times more bacteria

per square inch,
than a toilet seat.

I heard your mama
has more bacteria

per square inch
than a toilet seat.

That's true. That's true.
I dated her mama.
And you know what?

Stop.

All right.



One of the simplest
ways to cut down on
the spread of germs

is to use something
called the vampire cough.

Did you say vampire?

Oh, no, it's just that,
if a vampire had to cough,

he would do it
like this.

Uh-huh. Right,
and ruin their cloaks?

Do you have any idea
how expensive wool is
in Transylvania?

'Cause of the euro.

Well, other things you
can do to help cut down
on the spread of disease

are to wash your
hands regularly,

don't come in
if you're sick,

Ah.
and get your flu shot.

Also, I'm going to set up
hand-sanitizing stations
around the office.

No. No, no.
They will cost
you your life.



Elaborate.

The worst thing you
can do for your immune
system is to coddle it.

They need to fight
their own battles.

If Sabre really cared
about our well-being,

they would set up
hand-desanitizing
stations.

A simple bowl
at every juncture

filled with dirt,
vomit, fecal matter.

Exposing yourself
to germs...

I'm not going
to do that.

...is the best way to
make yourself stronger.

So by that rationale,
if I had to sneeze,
I should just sneeze on you.

Yes. I would
welcome it.

You're welcome.

The principle is sound.

To avoid illness,
expose yourself to germs,

enabling your immune system
to develop antibodies.

I don't know why
everyone doesn't do this.

Maybe they have
something against
living forever.

Jim, Pam,

and the precious
bundle of God's
best everything,

I wish you both
a pleasant day.

And you, too.
Yes. Praise God.

Okay.

PAM: Cece's getting
christened today.

JIM: Big day.

Everyone from
work is here.

We weren't
planning on that.

Nope.

Top of the Sunday
morning to you.

And a top of the day
to you, too, sir.

I hope you brought
your pipes.

We're about to smoke
the opium of the masses.

Oh, yes,
doobie-doobie-doo.

I invited everyone
in the office

because it's not
a day for just Jim,

or Pam, or the baby, or me.

It is about us all.

And I thought we
should all celebrate

my joy and our...
All of our joys.

Oh, man...

ANDY: Does the Nard dog
want Nard pups? Yeah.

I want a big old
litter of Nard pups,

all jumping around
and sucking on the teat.

Put them in a box,
give them to my neighbors.

Yeah, I want kids.

For all your paper
and printer needs.

For all your paper
and printer needs.

For all your paper
and printer needs.

TOBY: Sunday church service.
It's been a few years.

The big guy and I,
we've got some
catching up to do.

I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
Scooch over.

Oh, Michael, this is
just for family.

But I'm the godfather.

It is really funny,
but, you know,

that can be confusing
at a christening,

because you are
not the godfather.

Are you talking to me?

Okay, your turn.

Scooch, before
I shoot you
in the head.

Okay, Michael, um,

you know, I love
when you do that voice,

but today,
I'm so sorry,

I need you to tell me
that you know you're
not Cece's godfather.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Michael.
I need you to say it.
I'm so sorry.

I'm not the godfather.

Okay. Thank you.

So who is
the godfather?

Our friend Seth and
his wife there. Yeah.

Okay.

Old friend, like,
you've known him
since kindergarten?

No, I met his wife
in Mommy And Me.

They're a great couple.
You should meet them later.

No, I have plenty
of friends, so...

All right, well,
you have great seats.
Enjoy the show.

Okay. Thank you
for coming, Michael.

MICHAEL: I don't even
know how to say this.

But Cece is turning out
to be a little B-I-T-C-H.

And that's not true,

but her parents are
kind of boxing me out.

Good morning.
ALL: Good morning.

Good morning.

What a terrific
day this is,

and not just because
the Eagles are playing.

You may have seen
the bus out front.

Today we also
say goodbye to our
young adult ministry.

They're leaving
for three months

to build a school for
the village of Quimixto
in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.

If you go to Cabo San Lucas,
all the prostitutes
are from Cabo Corrientes.

Okay, this is...
All right, this is silly.

Nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.

And thank you
for your prayers
for Justin.

We hope for
a speedy recovery.

Thank you.

Anyone else
with a prayer
or a remembrance?

Good morning.
Dwight Schrute.

Thank you all for
your prayers and
your remembrances.

Like Justin and
his disfigurement,

I, too, have had
a horrible year.

They say that
the middle class
is disappearing,

and with it,
the soul of America.

So, as a gift to this
beautiful congregation,

I would like to
offer a 4% discount

on all Dunder
Mifflin-Sabre products

if you buy a printer
at full price.

Christening calls
to repentance,

to faithfulness
and to discipleship.

We've come to
celebrate these babies.

Right now?

Well, she can't
bring this up with her.

Okay.

All right, come on.
Where are we going?
Where are we going?

We're gonna take
a little field trip.

Okay. Okay.

There's my girl.
All right.

Hold on one second.
There we go.

What's that face for?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

Cece, no.
No, no, no.
Not on the dress.

Cece, stop.

What?
What?

Honey, no.
Yes.

No, no.

This is happening.

We have an extra
outfit in the bag.

No. There's no
extra outfit
in the bag.

You said you checked it.
I did

say that.

At this time,
will the families
please come join me?

MICHAEL: Jim and Pam
and Cece really
seem to be clicking.

They are totally gelling.

It's as if they leave
my office and they
go to another office

that sells happiness.

And good for them.

That's great,
because, you know,

the paper industry's
not gonna last forever.

MINISTER: Before we go,
I'd like to remind everyone

that the Halberts
have been kind enough
to host a reception next door

immediately
following the service.

Mmm. Mmm.

No. Wrong on
both counts.

Okay, A, "Halbert"?

And, B, I think a more
appropriate statement
would be,

"The 'Halberts'
are hosting an
intimate reception

"for their
invited guests."

For all their
generosity of spirit,

they password-protect
their wireless?

Try "Jesus."

Opus Dei.

Hi. Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Hello.

How are you?
Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

MICHAEL: I am feeling this.

Call it the Holy Spirit
or the Passion of the Christ,

I am loving these people.

Hi.
Thanks for having us.

I'm Doug McPherson,
Davey's uncle.

Oh, well, Dave is
an adorable baby.

Davey.

Yeah.

Well, this is intimate.

We just had to add
a few more tables.

We weren't expecting
this many people.

You don't know them all?

Nope. And we're gonna need

a loaves and fishes
kind of miracle
to feed them all.

Jesus is not
your caterer.

But he should be
your caterer, 'cause
you're a little angel.

Why didn't your parents
get you a caterer?

'Cause they don't think.

Mmm! Don't listen to her.

She's just jealous
'cause she doesn't
get to come home

to someone
as cute as you.

You think she is jealous
about having a baby?

I don't know.
I'm just hungry.

Okay, well,
you know what,
everybody's hungry.

Sorry. I think
I'm just hungry.

Oh, after you.
Oh, no, after you.

No, I insist. After me.

I'm gonna
use that one.

Have a good lunch.
Thank you. You, too.

This is not the meal
I was promised.

I'm going to have
no energy for the
rest of the day.

I canceled my plans
to come to this thing
and they repay me with this?

You know what, guys?
Let's just enjoy lunch.

With what? How?

Sometimes, Michael.

Sometimes.

Excuse me, everyone,
on behalf of
the Youth Ministry

that's leaving
for Mexico,

I just wanted to
thank our hosts

and tell you about
those good-looking guys
and gals over there.

but they're nuts.

This is Jessica Ortega.

I met her when
she and I were both
seven years old,

when my parents
took me to Quimixto
on a service trip.

Who takes
a kid to Mexico?

I would run to Mexico
if that's where
the sandwiches are.

Shh!

Right now,
Jessica's children
have to walk 12 miles

to a school
with dirt floors.

No.

It's gonna be three
months of hard work,

and when we're done,
we'll practically
be Quimixtanos.

Greg, hello,
it's Dwight from
the vestibule.

You want to know
my 11th commandment?

I will not be undersold.

Dwight. Dwight, hey.

I am ready to love
thy neighbor with
these kind of discounts.

Are you kidding me?
Stop it.

I'll call you back.

My parents
explained it
to me this way.

You wouldn't hesitate
to save a family member
from a burning building,

but what if the earth
was your building

and all the people on
it were your family?

What if the moon was
your car and Jupiter
was your hair brush?

MICHAEL: Shh!
Thank you.

Or should
I say, gracias.

Cece went down.

What was this?
You're out of it.

Scones.
I didn't get one.

Well, if it makes you
feel better, I didn't
get one either.

Is it just the one
jug of apple cider?

Who the heck was that?

I think that
was Sconesy Cider,

noted baptism
reception critic.

We need more food.

I'll go get some
subs and sodas.

All right.

And cider.

Look at that.
Look at that.
That's fun.

We need to do stuff
together outside of work.

Let's go help Africa.
Let's go build an airport.

We'll start small.
We'll have a carwash.

We'll send some
cheerleaders
to regionals.

You could feed
the hungry. Us.

OSCAR: Why do we have
to do something together?

I volunteer
at a clinic
on my own time.

Yeah, well, that's
just a pick-up scene.

MICHAEL: Okay, we don't
have to volunteer.

But I think
we should hang
out more together.

We are hanging out.
Right now.

You want some
more of this?

Look at these people.
These are church-going
people.

And they know
how to party.

Church isn't
a party, Michael.

Well, it's... It's...
Welcome to the party.

Everybody have
their Kool-Aid?
No.

Okay, you know what?
That's inappropriate.

What is wrong
with you guys?

What is wrong
with you?

What is so horrible
about wanting to

get together and
do something nice?

Why did you guys
even come today?

What's so great
about your lives

that you think
you're better
than everybody else?

That you can make
fun of everybody else?

You're mean.
You're mean girls,

like the movie
Mean Girls.

And Kevin and Stanley,

if you don't stop
worrying so much

about what you're
gonna put in your gullet,

you're gonna die
in about a month.

Oh, hey, Meemaw,
would you watch
Cece for a second?

Don't worry. She's asleep.
I'm just gonna track
down some more chairs.

Fine.

Fine, I guess I'll
watch Suzanne's purse
and your baby.

Bye. Good luck.

Good luck to you. Bye.

Do good. Do good.

Bye. Have fun.

We're proud of you.

Bye. Okay.

Hey. Hey. Is this
the bus to Mexico?

ALL: Yeah!

I'll take a shirt.

Are you coming?

If you'll have me, yes.
Heck, yes.

Really?

Thank you.
All right.

Michael? Get off the bus.

No, I'm not.
I'm staying on the bus.

I'm already on the bus.
I'm going.

Michael,
this is irresponsible.

It is not irresponsible!

I have never been
more confident about
a decision in my life.

I agree.
I think it's superb.

Well, you have
a job to do. Okay?

There is no off-season
when it comes
to printer sales.

You know what?
My job will be
here when I get back.

Michael, you can't
go to Mexico.

You don't have
your passport.

You don't need
one to get in.

Plus, we can just
have it sent to him
down in Mexico.

Hey, right?

Michael, what am I supposed
to tell my clients
if they ask about you?

Tell them that I died
and I turned into an angel,

and when they
feel a breeze

in a room with all
the windows closed

or that chill on
the back of their neck,

that is just me
watching over them.

Okay, but what
about the bigger
corporate accounts?

Tell them that
I'm in a meeting.

Michael, I am just
about to close a sale.

Can I authorize
a 15% discount?

No, you may not.

ERIN: I think it's
really cool, Michael.

I wish I had a job
that I could just leave.

Thank you.

Save me an aisle seat,
Michael! I'm coming!

I will not stand idly by
while these Mexican
villagers are sick.

We're actually
building them
a school.

Whatever.

They need to learn.

I won't...
I won't stand for it.

See you in
a few months.

If the whole world
were like you guys,

we wouldn't have
so many problems.

Hmm, that's not gonna happen.

We're one in a million.

I know.

Nobody I know
would leave their jobs
and friends and families

to do manual labor
for three months.

Well, you know what?
Everybody thinks
that I am crazy,

and that tells me
that I am the sanest
person I know. So...

Just a heads up.
Probably gonna be
borrowing a few things.

Gonna need
a contact lens case,

some sunscreen,
some sandals...

Why you always got
to be so mean to me?

Uh, Meemaw, where's Cece?

I don't know.
I lost the purse, too.

Goodbye, Lackawanna county.

How long till
we get to Mexico?

Well, two days minus...

How long we've
been on the road,
45 minutes?

So, like, two days
basically. Maybe more.

What are we
building down
there again?

Like, a hospital?
A school for Mexicans? What?

I don't know,
I thought it was
like a gymnasium or...

Why aren't they
building it themselves?

They don't know how.

Do we know how?
I don't know how.

You know how?
Well, Carla knows.

Carla knows.

Oh.

I feel like there
were so many more
people on this bus.

There were, like,
200, 300 people before.

Hey, Carla?

Carla?

Hi. What are you doing?

Mmm, trying to sleep.

What is happening?

Oh, God,
what is happening?

Do you smell like
a weird, warm cheese?

Oh, God,
you know what?

I am gonna be
in Mexico for
my half-birthday.

And the Christmas party.
And Cinco De Mayo.

Nah. No, we'll be
back before that.

No, we...
You know how
these things go.

Construction projects,
they say three months,

and then, after two years,
the lazy bums
haven't even started.

Now we're those lazy bums.

I gotta get
off this bus.

Hey, guys,
has anybody
seen the baby?

Here's her carrier,
but no Cece.

Jim, Jim, I want
to give a toast.

Where's the little
girl of honor?

I don't know, Dad.
I don't know.

I don't mean to bug,

but do you know
when those subs
are due into port?

I got a hungry bunch
of McPhersons over there.

I don't know.
Hey, have you
seen my baby?

I think maybe some
blonde lady had her.

A small blonde woman?
Smaller than me.

Everyone.
Everyone, can I just
have your attention?

Has anyone
seen a small...

Stop that tiny,
blonde woman!
She stole my baby!

What are you doing?

Give me the baby.

What? Kevin!

Hi, honey.
I was just
changing the baby.

Hi. Hi. All right.

Travel safe, Angela.

Did you think
I stole your baby?

What's that?

Oh, yeah,
back then I did.
Just now.

So don't,
because I've got
my eye on you.

Look at
these scones, Jim.

Give me that!

Thousands of them.

What kind of a person
steals scones from a baby?

Someone put them
in my bag.

So that was lunch, eh?

McPherson troop,
let's haul out.
Rendezvous at Friendly's.

Did you lose Cece?

Yeah.

Yeah, a little bit. I did.

Can you fake a seizure
or a heart attack
or something?

I can make myself cry.

Do that. Do it.

Should I...
I got it. I got it.

Hey, I saw a sign
for a scenic
overlook coming up.

Really love to
check out the view.

Can't stop.
We're on a schedule.

Well, there's
a nice bistro
coming up.

We could pick up some
paninis for the road.

Maybe we'll stop
in Tennessee.

It's unsafe to
talk to a driver.

Okay, driver, driver,
if you're not gonna
stop this bus,

then I'm going
to stop it for you.

Okay? Hang on.

Stopping in Tennessee.

Hey, is there
a problem, you guys?

Yeah, just get him to
stop the bus, please.

Why?

Just make him stop
the freaking bus!

Stop the bus, okay?

Are you okay, sir?

I didn't sign up for this.

You guys are young,
that's great.

You want to give
back to society.

I've done that.

I need to take.

You have plenty
left to give.
You're doing...

Blah-di-blah!

It doesn't matter.
We could go back
and forth all day.

It's not gonna
solve anything.

If we went to Mexico,
we'd probably screw
everything up anyway.

Do you want that
for little Jessica?
No, you don't.

And the answer is clear.

Stop the bus. Okay?
Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!
Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!
Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!
Stop the bus!

Okay, stop the dang bus.

Okay, well, a pleasure.

Go save the world.

We'll keep an eye
on America for you.

Wait for me!

Don't say anything
to my parents.

Get in quick.

Why quick?
So it's faster.

Do you guys want
me to take you home
or go back to the church?

Is anyone still
at the church?

No. Actually,
most of them went
to go see a movie.

What? Shut up.

Yeah.

Kevin suggested it,
and then they all went
in Meredith's minivan.

It is so nice to
be back in a country
that has movies.

I bet, you guys...

Can I come?

Oh! Lake Wobegon is on.

Do you guys...
Are you cool with that?

MAN ON RADIO:
...banana bread, but,

Fred Northquest
had no appetite.

He was thinking about
his pair of new boots.

It'd been 10 years
after all, and, as he
told Mrs. Northquest,

it would take two years
to get comfortable
with the new boots.