The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 4 - Crime Aid - full transcript

Pam, line three. Okay, thanks.
New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money.
I thought about selling a kidney,
but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
Hey.
Pamela!
Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me
sixteen to 18 hours a week.
Hey, Michael. Pamela!
Miss you, kiddo. Miss you so much.
Hey. Hello.
That was really fun last night. Yeah, it was nice.
I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of "putt-putt" golf clubs.
That would be great. You need that. Yeah?
Yeah. Really?
Yeah. It would help. Well, I let her win.
No, he didn't.
So, when can I see you again?
Tonight. I'm free tonight.
Is that too eager? No.
I don't care. I'm free tonight. Okay.
Oh, wait. Tonight's no good.
Because I am busy taking you out.
I just remembered. I can't tonight.
Why? I'm going out with you.
Wow.
Wait a second. I can't tonight.
No more. No more. Tonight's so...
All right. Too many times.
It's all good. All right. So, good.
So have a nice day. Thank you. You, too.
You're welcome.
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex.
Does Holly feel that way? I don't know.
I will probably find out tonight.
If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure.
That's for you, and...
I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money?
'Cause that's what I wrote on your "Save The Date."
You set a date?
J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna?
Receptionist-Money.
K-Money.
What are you making? A knife.
You're making a knife with a knife?
You got a better way?
You want to talk about it?
About what?
You know I know. You know they know.
I know none of that. And if I did, you'd be the last to know.
The mall could be fun. Yeah!
We could go to the food court, get different foods.
You could get chicken teriyaki, I could get a hot dog.
Some of what we order depends on if we're having sex after.
I can't... Oh, my...
Wow! Elephant in the room.
Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Hell, yeah.
Okay. So, we do the restaurant thing
and then... Then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.
Yeah, that's good.
Probably get soup, or something light.
Hi.
She introduced me to so many things.
Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism.
Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
It's nice to learn new things.
I was talking to myself. Okay.
I just don't get it. What don't you get?
Why is she marrying Andy?
Angela's not really a risk taker
and Andy's not really a risk.
That's really fattening.
No, it's lettuce.
It's time to go? No.
Oh, okay. No.
Reservations are at 8:00 so we've got an hour and 45 minutes.
Okay.
Crazy eight! I'm crazy!
You're crazy! Go crazy!
I forgot my keys.
Do you need them? Yeah, let's go grab them.
All right.
After vous. Thank vous.
What?
Oh!
I didn't forget my keys,
I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras.
Do you think they can hear us?
Not if we turn these dials all the way down.
Now they can't hear us at all. Oh, good.
We're totally alone.
Yes, that's correct.
I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Great, they stole my laptop.
Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
How does that even compare?
Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.
Oh, my God. What happened?
We were robbed last night.
Bravo, Watson.
Looks like a classic seven-man job.
Okay, security tapes were stolen.
Motives. Financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors.
Hank down at Security had clocked out, and that's all we have.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
That wasn't us, right? I mean, you remembered to lock the doors?
No, did you? Michael, I think this is our fault.
Oh, no! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, no.
So much for sex without consequences.
You are such a dork. Shot!
That's bad. So, apparently, Pam went out last night
and accidentally called my work phone at three in the morning.
So... I am not drunk.
I am on minute six of this message.
Okay, I do not sound like that.
Take the girl out of Philly... Scranton.
The future mother of my children.
I never felt safe here.
You're always safe with me.
I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move
to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all this behind.
I would very much like that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Consider yourself at home
Get in.
Where are we going?
I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it.
She practically told me so.
Then you need to give her an ultimatum.
Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy.
If she picks you, great. If not, you can move on.
Are you sure that's going to work?
It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight!
How's everyone doing?
My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away it.
The last person to do this disappeared.
His name?
Creed Bratton.
I'm going to make everything all right. All right?
Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. All right?
To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction,
where people from all over Scranton can come and bid
on our goods and services.
I'm calling it Crime Aid. It's like Farm Aid,
but instead of farms fighting against AIDS,
it is us, fighting against our own poverty.
I think it's a fun idea. Thank you!
We could auction off things that we do for each other,
like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Okay. I'm going to have to stop you right there.
Was this the sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority
so you had to kind of form your own?
Move on, Michael. Okay.
Okay, well, come on! Let's have an auction! Let's do this!
We'll auction off people, like in the olden days.
So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked,
we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
- Who would ever come to this? - I don't know.
It could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian.
It could be an old person. It could be a lookie loo.
Or it could be a Bruce Springsteen fan. What?
Who said that? I did. Why did I say that?
Oh, I think you know why I said that.
I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying...
Bear with me. There's a point there.
"But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying.
"It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy."
Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on here.
Do you need us for any of this? Do I?
Michael scored the big-ticket item. Springsteen tickets.
The boss scored The Boss.
Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
He knows how to get things. He got me.
Whoa! Sorry.
Twice.
Right?
Listen to me close, 'cause I'm only going to say this once.
You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon,
apologize, and then date me,
or you can say goodbye to this.
I think you have me confused with another person.
I said I was only going to say it once.
You have until 6:14 p.m.
6:14! I heard you!
Gonna have fun! Yeah!
I'll rock and roll you. Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you, Mr. Springsteen!
And welcome to Crime Aid.
"Crime reduces innocence, makes everyone angry, I declare."
It is not known how many office robberies occur every second,
because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics.
However, tonight, its victims are standing together
and standing strong in the form of song,
cooking lessons and hugs.
Really, Phyllis, you're auctioning a hug?
Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction!
Take it away, Bruce!
Mike gave me a list of his top 10 Springsteen songs.
Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News,
one was Tracy Chapman's Fast Car,
and, my personal favorite, Short People.
Okay, this is the moment that you've all been waiting for.
Our first item up for bids tonight
is something I consider to be very boss indeed.
It is a yoga lesson from Holly Flax.
Yoga! I'd like to start the bidding off at $300.
$300! Do I hear $300? $300.
Hey, batter, batter, batter. Hey, batter, swing, batter! $300,
$300, $300. Anybody, $300?
$400. Who wants it for four? Four, four... Hitter, hitter...
Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back?
Do I see somebody in the back? $400! $450.
Sold! For $300 to me!
What the hell is that? It's the only gavel I could find.
It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said.
Let's hear it for me, right?
A bargain at any price.
Hey, Mike, do my thing.
Oh, yes, great, very good.
So, Darryl and the boys in the hood in the warehouse
have graciously donated to "go out for a beer with them right now."
You know what? I'm actually going to bid on this.
I'm going to start the bidding
because this is something that I've dreamt of.
Mike, you can't do this, conflict of interest.
$5! Sold to Jim!
Okay. Okay, sold!
Have fun, you guys.
Well, this next item is sure to spring steam
from your ears if you don't win it.
It just says Creed. Yeah, that's all inclusive.
She thought I was McNabb.
I can see that.
Yeah, what you going to do?
Another round, boys?
Great.
- Halpert? - What's up, Roy?
Hey, man.
Relax, man. I'm not going to hit you. Oh, I wouldn't...
You good? I'm good. How you doing?
I'm good. Good.
Hey, Darryl. What's happening?
What's up? How's it going, man?
Hey, what's up, guys?
Where you been?
Hi. I'm Kevin.
I'll do your taxes.
Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin doing your taxes.
He's the tax man! Kevin the Tax Man.
Federal and state. Federal and state.
Fine. Okay. All right. Okay. You know what?
I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
Me and the blues
Just me and the blues
We are getting there, folks, slow and steady.
Well, well, have we been blessed today?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace!
Hey! Thank you, Michael.
Thanks. Thanks, everybody.
I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard.
Hey, hey! $100.
$100. Great! $125.
$125. $140. $140.
Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
- Oh, dear. - Who else? Who else?
Keep it going! Hey, batter, batter, hey. $160.
$160.
I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.
Why couldn't you have just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Listen! She ignored my ultimatum. Now what?
Now you move on.
Okay, fine, I've moved on.
Now how do I get her back?
Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.
What, that's it? That's your advice?
I thought you had some kind of big master plan.
Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Oh.
I get it.
You're trying to secure your place as head of the Party Planning Committee.
You're just being selfish.
And you slap like a girl.
What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong.
She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.
What's going on with Pam? She's good, actually.
Yeah? She's in New York.
She's at an art school. Really?
Yeah, she's doing really well.
She's engaged
to me.
Congrats, man. Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
So Pam's happy?
Yeah, I'd say she's happy.
I mean, she loves her classes, loves the city,
and last night she was out with her friends till, like, 8 a.m.
Wow. What?
I thought you were her friend.
I am going to see Pam 'cause I feel like I should.
When are you getting to Bruce? Just a few more items.
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
All right! All right, all right, all right! Here we go, here we go.
All right, big-ticket item.
All right! In my pocket,
I have two tickets
to Mr. Bruce Springsteen. Front...
Where are those?
Has anyone seen an envelope
with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes?
Anybody seen something, like, lying around?
Do you want us to look for them? No. I think they were stolen.
I think they were stolen and they're gone forever, so...
That was the last good item. So...
Good job, everybody. I have my hug.
Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody really wants a hug, so...
I'll bid on a hug. She's your wife, you idiot.
$100. $200.
What the hell is happening? $250.
What are you doing?
I need a hug, unless you're going to give me one.
Not here. $300.
$300! We have $300. $300 going once.
$300 going twice. $300 and one penny!
$300 and one penny! $300 and one penny!
$325. $325.
$350! $350.
$350 and one penny! $350 and one penny!
$400. $400. Hey, batter, batter.
$400 and one penny! $400 and one penny!
$500! $500! $500.
Five... $500 and one penny!
$500 and one penny! One million dollars!
$700! $700.
$700 and one penny!
$1,000!
It's not worth it.
$1,000 going once! $1,000 going twice!
Sold for $1,000!
Nicely done.
No. You know what? No, because I'm not that guy,
and we are not that couple.
Hey, that looks good.
Listen, about the tickets.
It's sort of... Kind of a gray area in terms of whether I had them.
The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true.
But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true.
So far it's all true.
But, yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.
No. I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.