The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 25 - Cafe Disco - full transcript

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
I just won an art contest.
Thanks.
I still don't understand why you
- wanted me to say that. - Shut up.
I got her.
Not cool, Dwight.
Not cool, man.
Oh, no.
I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company,
so occasionally, I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing.
I actually dance all the time.
Tip-toeing around corporate, it is a ballet.
When I am breaking all the rules, I'm break dancing.
And espresso.
Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I think I'm growing into a giant,
because look at this normal-sized coffee cup.
Looks so tiny in my giant hand now.
Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?
I do. Okay, how about a woman? Pam?
I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an e-mail.
Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor.
Really? Okay.
Just sent it.
What about the rest of you?
At Dunder Mifflin,
there is a very strict no-lunch-with-the-boss policy,
and I don't know who instituted it.
I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down.
But at the Michael Scott Paper Company,
I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan every day.
So, rules be damned, I want to have lunch with these people.
Who else? Who else? Ryan?
I don't do lunch. I'm doing five small meals a day now.
Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp again,
I find that food is one thing I can control.
Okay, anyone? Anyone at all?
Accounting, I am a-counting on you to go to lunch with me.
No, I don't want to stay late to have a two-hour lunch.
Michael, we have a lot of work to do.
What?
Work.
God. What happened to you people?
"We are just office drones.
"We are office drones. All we do is work. Is work."
If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.
Oh, no, your battery fell out.
"I was just learning to love."
Hi, guys. How are you doing?
Erin, how many times do I have to tell you?
It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing
every time you interact with us.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Now, how can I help you?
Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?
Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio?
I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something.
This location is the superior court...
So someone's going to a court. Big deal.
It is a big deal, 'cause there's only a handful of reasons
why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio
and not be charged with a crime.
Claim an inheritance from a deceased relative,
to obtain a learner's permit at age 14 1/2 instead of 15.
Erin, let me see your birth certificate.
Sure.
There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
We're getting married today.
So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license
without a three-day waiting period.
Tell them how it happened.
Okay, so we're going through all the wedding plans,
and, boy, it is complicated.
And very expensive.
Very expensive.
'Cause you say you want a small wedding
and that's great, but then you have to...
You can't leave anyone out. No one.
Okay, just get to the good part.
Right, so, this morning, we are having breakfast together...
Mmm-hmm.
...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said,
"You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."
I had just woken up. I didn't look cute.
That's how I knew he meant it.
Michael?
Michael, sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here?
Do you want these down here...
No work! No work! No work!
I come here to release frustration.
Well, I like to swim. That's good.
You've got a cool place to come.
If you ever want to come down here, door's always open.
Lock's broken, so...
Thank you.
Give me your hand. Hey, here we go, here we go. Yeah.
There we go. Now you got it. Now I do got it.
Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?
Yeah.
Gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
That's rule number one. Okay.
I love it. I love it.
Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts.
There's no reason to be scared.
The bad man is gone. Charles is gone.
Charles really did a number on these guys.
They are way too focused on work.
When I was in charge, this place was like Dave & Buster's,
people just hanging out, having fun, eating apps.
I don't know, it's like Dave died or something.
Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you.
Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
I am your big daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.
Little Andy is afraid.
Andy's afraid? Yes.
Are you all afraid? No.
Daddy's here for you, my little angels.
Okay,
I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
What? Funk is the problem,
and the solution. That makes sense.
I have taken my downstairs office
and I have turned it into a place to hang out,
a place where unattractive and attractive people can get together,
to meet, to greet, to see the ones that you love,
to love the ones that you see.
Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?
Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar?
Everybody else is past it.
All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
This is like a haunted coffee house thing?
No, Dwight is confusing you. It's more of a disco.
It's like a haunted disco.
With coffee, but without the haunting.
It's a combo dance house-coffee bar.
It is a daytime disco on the ground floor
of an industrial office building.
It's a Cafe Disco.
Exactly.
Like a disco-cafe.
What? No. No. Not even close.
I can't force you to go down, but I can entice you.
I'm going to be down there.
Erin will be down there from time to time,
and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.
Yeah. Holding down the fort.
Yeah. This place is great.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, Kevin, I am still on hold.
You were supposed to get the answer
from Michael and come back up.
This is a no-work zone. Please respect the lei.
Yeah, respect the lei.
Come.
Kevin, stay.
Kevin, come.
Kevin, stay.
Kevin, come. Stay, stay.
Come on, right now. Cookie, Kevin. Cookie.
There is no cookie, Kevin.
Is there a cookie? Mmm-hmm.
Come on.
For goodness sakes, Kevin, there's no cookie.
There's no cookie. Come on. Come.
I wanted a cookie.
Completely unacceptable.
Now I know what the founders of Philip Morris felt like.
You just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax,
and suddenly, you're just some terrible monster.
Here we go.
What the hell!
Hi, Jessica, is Bob in?
He's on a call.
Well, I'll just duck my head in.
It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed.
Can I give him a message before he gets off?
Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs
in the storage closet between the bathrooms
that used to be a utility shower, and he should join me there.
I'll let him know.
Mmm-hmm.
Phyllis?
Hi.
Hey. Hey,
I like.
All right. Back... There you go. There you go. You got it.
Show me some attitude.
Mother.
God. No, no, no.
Back.
Wow, what did you do?
You didn't do that. You're okay.
You're okay. Let's lie down.
Give me... You want to go down? All right.
Sorry.
Okay, that's okay.
Backs are a problem. Okay, sweetie...
Right here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. I got your text. Who's Phillip?
No, no, no.
Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
It's my back.
It's her back. We just... We need...
God, call a doctor.
You know what? We're going to take care of you.
We're going to get you help. Come on, come on.
Call Bob.
No, no, no, this is no good.
Yeah, back injuries are common.
Not as common as knee injuries,
but more common than wrist injuries.
I don't need a history lesson, okay?
What do you think history is?
Just... We need to get her out of there
because no one is going to want to go in there
with a woman writhing around on the floor.
Wait, wait, wait, but most importantly,
we need to get her some medical attention ASAP, stat.
Here we go. Here we go.
Ramming speed.
Okay, out of the way. Move it or lose it.
Oh, my God, what happened? You having fun taking a little ride?
Just having too much fun.
Phyllis, we're gonna put you in here. Dwight's gonna take care of you.
What? No, I thought we were going to the hospital.
If you want to get sick, you go to a hospital.
Okay, Dwight. Okay, good.
I do not want anybody to worry.
What happened to Phyllis?
You know, nothing. She's...
We were hanging out at Cafe Disco
and she had a flare-up of an existing injury,
but she's a tough old bird, so...
Can you please go back to work
instead of masterminding these situations
wherein we hurt ourselves?
Okay, fine. Phyllis did injure herself,
but she injured herself having fun,
and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything.
I would like the memory of a day
uninterrupted by this nonsense.
You all took a life here today. You did.
The life of the party.
Erin, I want you to go downstairs,
and I want you to shut it down.
You mean unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here?
I don't care. Bury it.
I hope you're happy.
Okay. I'm going to need two able-bodied men.
Cafe Disco? More like crappy disco.
You're bad.
There's girls in there. Where?
The other room. What other room?
Down the hall. There's girls there?
What did I just say?
You bring my sandwich?
Forget the sandwich.
Girls. Girls.
I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone.
Might as well be dinner.
Comfy? All right, all right. Just relax, relax, okay?
Dwight. Dwight.
Come on, relax. This shirt wasn't doing you any favors.
If my assessment is correct, you grind your teeth?
I do.
No kidding. She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing.
It's like children singing Christmas carols.
Yeah. I'm loving the vibe down here.
Ashley. You made it.
You invited someone?
Oh. Yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?
I don't know. I've been here eight years, and I've never...
Rude.
I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off.
Cafe Disco is dead, but I can still hear the music in my head.
I hear it, too, boss.
It's better than I imagined it.
It feels good, Dwight.
Tell me where it hurts.
Right... Right there.
Yeah, you've got a knot in your crest.
This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations,
and it always works.
My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again.
They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby.
And his jerky came in third the following year.
A majestic beast. So fast, so tender.
Welcome, welcome. Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.
Hey, Angela, welcome to Cafe...
Stop!
Angela, Angela, Angela, may I interest you in a triple espresso,
or perhaps a dance?
No, I didn't come down here to get wet and wild.
I just need you to sign these.
All right. Here you go.
And, no, you need to sign them all.
No, no, no. Here is the deal.
One signature for every song.
Look, I hate to be "that" person,
but I just don't like the general spirit of music.
I know, I know. Angela, a lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first,
but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance.
If these walls could talk, they would say,
"This is a magical place. You're safe here.
"We are talking walls. We're not going to eat you."
No.
This is oil from the gland of an otter.
It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat.
Now, I need you to lie still for an hour.
An hour? I can't stay here an hour.
Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa.
Boss, this used to hang from my windshield, but it belongs in here.
Hey, thank you, Creed. You really get this place.
No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.
Look out.
Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah! Finish it off.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Here we go. Okay, something's gonna happen.
Here we go. Yeah.
I'm going to go with the python.
But the rattler's so scary.
No, please, I find the rattle soothing. Puts me to sleep.
I think Bob's going to cheat on me with his new secretary.
What's so funny?
When I say it out loud, it's so silly.
Hey, hey, Angela, no. No cleaning up.
You are forcing me to be down here.
Am I not allowed to have some fun?
No cleaning up.
These are for you.
They're beautiful.
You ready? Yeah.
We should probably stop by. It would mean a lot to him.
Hey. Hey. Man, Jim and Pam.
Can you believe this? It's really happening.
Want to dance, Dwight?
Ordinarily, I would say no,
but you need to move to reduce lactic acid buildup.
Also, this song is fantastic.
Mind if I steal my wife?
You can't steal what is legally your property.
Are those staples?
This dance competition is not over.
What dance competition? I was just dancing casually with my friend, y'all.
Yeah, right.
You guys are the best for coming.
You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.
We're going to stay. Really?
At least for one more dance.
No, not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco.
Hey, come on, man. We're not even to "Y."
This is so cheesy.
Yes.
I like cheesy.
Me, too.
You know, I think maybe I want a wedding wedding.
Me, too.
Really? Yeah.
Would you like to dance?
No.
Yeah. No, well, okay... Stop squirming.
Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing.
You wanted to do this, okay? Just be brave.
I know, but you're not a professional,
and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone that route.
I'm doing... No, I'm doing it for free.
Just... You have to stop squirming,
otherwise, I'm going to mess up.
Are you sure that's not the gay ear?
Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?
Well, I...
Look, I'm going to count to three.
Count to 20.
No, I'm going to count to three. One, two, three.
Son of a bitch!
Andy, that was just the ice.
It was? Yeah, it was.