The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 26 - Company Picnic - full transcript

Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
He's not available right now.
Uh-huh.
Yes. Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up. Gets back.
Michael had chicken pot pie for lunch.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch.
Let me be more specific.
Michael ate an entire, family-sized chicken pot pie for lunch,
and then he promptly fell asleep.
So, we're all trying to be very quiet,
so as to not wake him up before 5:00 p.m.,
which actually should be in about
10 minutes.
Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer.
Are you sure you can change his watch?
I can do it.
What do you need from me?
Normally, I don't condone leaving early,
but I have an appointment with the horse doctor.
How that horse became a doctor, I don't know.
No, I'm kidding.
He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head
when its leg is broken.
Like clockwork.
Oh, no.
What's so funny?
You had to be there.
Oh, yay, geography joke.
Oh. Wow, okay. All right, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Bye.
See you later, Michael.
All right, you ready for this?
Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces, then we leave, right?
Yeah. Okay.
Wait, should I have left the car running?
Oh.
Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.
Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?
Tell them what happened last year.
I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Oh, right. Some drunk guy hit on Pam last year.
Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Yeah, you don't grab these for balance.
Well...
I'm gonna say 30.
Ah, 40.
Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Good point, but thought of that already, combination SPF/repellent.
Whoa. Homemade?
Of course.
You think the EPA would ever allow that much deet?
Rolf is my best friend. We met in a shoe store.
I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed
and not leave any tracks.
Michael, isn't that Holly?
We're just friends.
Hey, hey. Wait a second.
Who let you in here, is what I wanna know.
Oh, no.
I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, that's right.
All right. All right. Mmm-hmm.
Hey. Hi.
You remember A.J., my boyfriend?
A little bit. I meet a lot of people.
Hey, Michael. Hey.
Oh.
So, would you guys like some lemonade?
Or one of you? Or both of you?
Either-or. Combinations are endless.
Lemonade sounds great. Okay.
I'd love an iced tea, actually.
You can go to hell.
I'm kidding.
Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
I lied to Kevin.
Holly and I can never be just friends.
I wrote down a list of bullet points
why Holly and I should be together,
and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm going to tell her.
Number one, "Holly, you and I are soup snakes."
And the reason is
because in terms of the soup, we like to...
That doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates.
Holly and I are soul mates.
Jim, Pam.
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, Charles.
Nice day, huh? Yeah.
Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest.
I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Do you want me to beat him up for you?
No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Listen up, everyone. I've gone over this lineup very carefully.
We cannot forget the humiliation
we suffered last year at the softball game
with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Well, I could've died, so...
I looked it up online afterwards.
Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row.
Bro-migo, do you think you could put Erin on my row?
Why? I don't understand.
If... No, wait... Wait a minute, I get it.
You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Uh...
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better.
I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis.
She's the best setter on the team.
That's... Sly dog.
...not what I meant.
Come on, folks!
What is up with you two, Holly?
Um, not much.
We're designing a house.
Cool, for who?
For us.
Wow.
I'm designing a chair.
It's part of your pants.
You sit down, you're supported.
I remember your chair-pants idea. Yeah.
I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size-34 waist.
All right, fatty, I will do it.
You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Okay, yeah.
You guys are really gonna do this?
You bet your fat ass we are.
Well, in his infinite wisdom,
David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation
about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Yep, old comedy team is back together again.
That's right.
"Have you heard the news?
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"
"Newspapers for sale!"
Are you blind? Are you blind?
Sir? With the glasses, are you literally blind?
I'm concerned you might be in danger.
These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Okay, I was just looking out for you.
You're doing great, by the way.
Thanks.
I got it.
Kevin, come on! Are you blind?
I could've gotten that, idiot! Can you see things with your eyeballs?
It's not a sledgehammer!
Come on, people. We need to get our heads in the game.
Let's focus. Come on, you're better than this.
I am better than this.
Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?
We've been out here for a while, I don't need this.
Oh, come... Ryan, come on, man! One second.
Wait, wait, wait! Net, net. Her hand's on the net.
So what? Rule violation.
Ball is ours. Give it to me.
What? Our point.
Okay, hey, Pam, how you doing?
Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed, or do you even know?
What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Back off, Dwight.
Nice hit, Pam!
What?
Maybe I played a little in junior high and in high school.
Maybe a little in college.
And went to volleyball camp most summers.
All right, come on!
Yeah, look at that. We win. Nice shot, Beesly.
Yes, we advance to the next round!
Oh, Lord in heaven.
Had to be part of the group.
Brought some snacky-snacks in case we get hungry.
Ooh, yes, please.
Mmm.
So, what do you have planned for us today?
What? Do you have a script for the sketch or...
Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
Crystal cool.
Hit it, Andy.
Bump, I bumped it!
Set. Don't set it to yourself.
Yeah.
Ow! My ankle.
What happened?
I twisted it.
You weren't even moving.
Okay, sub.
I can play.
Is there a Meredith here?
Yeah! Man in!
Rolf, did you not hear me?
I don't hear cheaters, tramps or women who break my friend's heart.
Let's go!
We could do a movie sort of thing.
We could do Back to the Future.
Oh. We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin
to go back in time, fix their parents.
Could we get a DeLorean?
Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Oh.
Dunder, Dunder, Dunder, Dunder...
We haven't found our great idea yet.
No. No.
We're circling it.
Hmm.
Yes! Oh, yeah!
Nicely done. We're still gonna crush you, though.
Yes, we are. You suckers are going down!
They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves!
Piss all over your faces!
That's true!
This reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Oh, yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Really, really funny.
Really funny.
Listen, guys. One more point and we play corporate.
Settle down, gentlemen.
Good game!
Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody.
Thanks for being here.
Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Uh, it's a sketch now.
Okay.
Introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax.
I have not seen this.
And now, presenting
SlumDunder Mifflinaire! SlumDunder Mifflinaire!
Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Yes, I am.
For $100, where did Dunder meet Mifflin?
A, on easy street,
B, a tour of Dartmouth College,
C, they never met,
D, brushing their teeth.
Oh. I'm thinking.
I'm going to say
B, tour of Dartmouth College.
That is correct!
How did you know that?
I was there!
I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College! No!
Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Yeah. I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
I'm Robert Dunder.
I'm Robert Mifflin.
Robert Mifflin had a great life,
but unfortunately had undiagnosed depression,
which over 9 million Americans suffer from and is very treatable.
For $250, how did he kill himself?
A, a rope,
B, a knife,
C, a gun,
D, brushing his teeth.
$250 is more money than I've ever seen in my life.
I will say C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
That is correct!
Yes!
I usually don't enjoy the theater,
but this is delightful.
The economic downturn has been difficult recently,
forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers
to be followed soon by what other branch?
For $500,000, is it
A, Scranton,
B, Buffalo,
C, Utica,
or D, Toothbrush?
I will say B, Buffalo, final answer.
That is correct!
- What is he talking about? - What?
No way. It's gotta be a joke.
How did you know that? David Wallace told me!
David, is this true?
Uh, okay, everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
They didn't know? I guess not.
I'm sorry. This certainly wasn't the time or the place
to announce this sort of thing,
but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
And?
We're closing the Buffalo branch.
Are you serious? You've gotta be kidding me!
We're the best branch in the company. I don't believe it.
How could you possibly think
that the right way to announce a branch closing
was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Well, I didn't know they didn't know.
What about the fact that they're here today?
What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms?
No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch
and he thought, "Oh, this would be real funny." Thank you.
Damn it, Michael. I told you that in confidence.
Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families.
A little boy just walked up to me and said,
"Is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
How do you figure?
Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Let's do this.
Jim, come on!
Look who just woke up!
I've been up for a while!
It's 6 to 6. It's a nail biter.
Kevin! Now it's 7-6. Or is that too much accounting for you?
Here's an accounting question for you.
What does one fiancé plus one lover equal?
Answer, one whore.
Okay, knock it off, Rolf.
What? She's sitting there casting aspersions... Rolf, please.
No, wait a minute. I am asking nicely.
Wait, you don't mean that. Rolf, leave it alone.
You got it.
All right.
Got it. Damn!
- I got it. - Pam!
You all right? Yeah. No, no, no, I'm fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Hey, easy, easy, easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You want to get that looked at.
No, no, it's fine. Just give me a second.
I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic.
So, technically, that is a company injury, you know.
The safest thing to do is get that examined. Right, David?
Yeah. All right, you know what?
You're just trying to get rid of our best player.
Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game
in front of your fiancée's health.
No... Look, seriously, I can move it fine.
Come on, let's go. It's our ball. Let's go. I don't know.
Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital
a few kilometers south of here.
Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall them.
I guess that's it for you, Jim.
All right, you know what? Let's do this.
We'll be back.
Oh, man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt!
I'll get it.
Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Hindsight.
Should've had hindsight.
How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
I think it went well. I think it was good.
There weren't any laughs.
Well, that was a tough audience.
Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time,
and that was one of them.
Well, I'm glad we did it.
Me, too.
We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
I can't wait.
Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer.
No. Don't send in the subs yet.
Dwight, I don't know. Think of something.
Well, to be safe, we should do an x-ray. How long will that take?
Well, it shouldn't be too bad. It's a slow day.
So, no other radiation this year,
no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
I'm sorry. Could we just hurry this up?
I've got a game to get back to.
Oh, good, because my next question was,
"Do you have a game to get back to?"
What did you think?
I loved it.
You know, there was a part near the end
that seemed like that went on a little long, but...
Well, you guys should hit the road
before I close down another branch.
Okay. So good to see you.
Good to see you.
A.J. Michael.
I didn't find the perfect moment,
because I think that today was about just having today.
And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story
when people ask how we found each other.
I will see her every now and then,
and maybe one year, she'll be with somebody,
and the next year, I'll be with somebody,
and it's gonna take a long time.
And then it's perfect.
I'm in no rush.
Ha! Dwight, come on, now. It's time to put in the subs.
Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back.
Okay? Okay, fine.
All right! Come on. Okay.
Except you know what? It's not fine.
How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson?
One? Two?
Three? Four?
Dwight... No, no. Hear me out.
Five? Six?
Dwight.
Seven? Can I finish, please?
Okay.
Eight?
Oh, Dwight, we're so close.
Just buy us a few more minutes.
Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back.
Okay. Okay, great.
Hey, Dwight. Uh...
Send in the subs.