The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 14 - Lecture Circuit: Part 1 - full transcript

This morning, the phone guy comes in
and he shows Michael that our phones have a PA function.
And then he just left.
This is your captain speaking.
The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories.
Look out your left-hand window
and you will see Vance Refrigeration.
I am the ghost of salesmen past.
Do not come near me.
Yes, Michael Scott for Dr. Johnson, please.
Hello, Doctor. I was just following up about my mole again.
Now, I was looking online about sebaceous zits.
I have not been squeezing it.
Could I stick it with a pin?
Toby Flenderson to the principal's office.
Your mother called and it appears that you wet the bed again,
so you have to get home to wash your sheets because they're yellow
and they're wet with your urine.
And, at 6'6",
from the University of North Carolina, Jim Halpert!
That's pretty funny.
Hey, you know what? Did I drop my... What the heck?
Is that... You find it?
I didn't. I'll look somewhere else.
All right. All right.
Would you like fries with that?
Please drive around.
Hello?
Good morning. Good morning.
You ready?
And we're off. Like a herd of turtles.
Well, Pam and I have eloped.
Actually, we just robbed a bank
and we are on the lam.
No, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit.
Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch,
so David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches
except Nashua. Still a little bit raw there.
Um... But I am going to these branches
and I am telling them my secret recipe for success,
my 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter.
Oh, that. Well, that is Pam.
Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus.
And I like to pack heavy.
He brought a sled.
No, that is a toboggan.
You never know when you're going to find a snowy hill.
So...
Every magician has a hot assistant
and every rock star has a roadie
and Pam is my hot roadie.
Yeah, I love being on the road,
but I especially love
the time and a half pay,
24 hours a day for three days.
'Cause I have a mortgage now. Got to bring home the bucks.
No, don't say "bucks." It's not ladylike.
Here we go. Okay, so what we do is we drive all day
and we stay in hotels together at night. Separate rooms.
Well, that goes without saying. I'm gonna say it anyway.
Hey, look at what you're wearing again, Pam.
Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
This is a new cardigan. Kind of blech.
Maybe you could tie it around your waist
or lose the shirt underneath or something.
No. No? All right.
Hi, Kelly. Screw you.
Excuse me. That is no way to address a superior.
Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.
Whoa. What was that all about?
You forgot her birthday.
It was yesterday.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
You do it.
Okay. I insist.
Basically, after Phyllis blackmailed Angela,
Michael asked them both to step down
from the Party Planning Committee because there was too much drama.
What he said was... Just... Easy.
...there was a problem with having one head of the Party Planning Committee.
She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Party planning? I am a paper salesman.
This is literally the stupidest thing
I've ever done in my life. This is humiliating.
That's on my side.
So this is fun.
My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot.
I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word.
There wasn't even a party.
I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Can I turn on the radio?
No, I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Then listen to your iPod, Pam. That's dangerous.
Well, then... Hey, you know what? Let's just talk.
That's okay. I can... I'm fine.
I'll just play a song in my head.
You nervous about seeing Karen again?
Since she was the other woman?
Actually, you were the other woman, so...
No, that was a long time ago.
Is that why you're wearing makeup today?
No, I'm not even wearing that much.
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me.
I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me.
I think if they got to know me,
they wouldn't hate me.
But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so...
Oh, this is a nice office.
You don't have to lie. Through here.
Um, Phyllis?
Who's that?
She's out of your league, Andy.
For your information, I've been with lots of beautiful women.
Sexually?
This conversation is over.
I am single now.
What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog
and crippling despair, loneliness and depression.
I intend to win.
We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
If you say screw you one more time...
Yeah, screw you, beet farmer, I didn't forget your birthday.
I would never do that! Hey! Hey!
Guys, guys, guys.
We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen
to anyone else ever again.
Oh, God. Okay.
In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.
What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?
Ice cream.
Okay, point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Hello, Rolando, how are you? Hi.
Rolando, I'd like you to meet Pam.
She is our receptionist.
You know what? Maybe
you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
You're late. Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Karen will be right here to take you over. Okay.
Don't be nervous. Just picture her naked.
Stop it.
That's what I do. Steal my trick.
- Please cut it out. - Hey.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my God.
Is that Jim's?
- What? - Michael!
Of course not. Okay.
Wow. Oh, man. My head just exploded.
Whoo! Thank God for everybody, right?
Wow, you're huge! That's incredible.
I... God, sorry, sorry. My head is... I'm just...
I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Let's just get this over with, shall we? Okay. Mmm-hmm.
Ten? Ten months?
Are you kidding?
Well, I'm not done yet.
Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand.
You haven't blown them up enough.
Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
They match the carpet.
What is that?
"It is your birthday," period.
It's a statement of fact.
Not even an exclamation point?
This is more professional.
It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
I can't believe how bad this looks.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Because, if so, you are succeeding.
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Okay, good then.
Have you collected the money from everyone?
I am working on it. How much do you have?
$6.
That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it, Jim!
I said I was working on it.
Trying to see what CDs she's got.
It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing.
Uh... Ah-ha!
Feist! Yes!
No!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no. That is so awful. That is the worst news.
I have to go. I have to do a presentation.
I'll talk to you...
This is going to be hard for me to speak today,
because I just learned that my father has died.
No, he didn't. He is alive.
And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator,
but you bought it and now you can't return it.
Or can you? No, you can't.
Yes, Karen? Do you need to go pump?
Not gonna have to do that until after I have the baby.
No, I am wondering what are you talking about?
I am talking about how you all need to sell an experience.
Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
But now we think you're a liar.
Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?
I am a theatrical person.
Growing up I always thought I would become an actor
because I have these memorization tricks that I use.
Um...
For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance
by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the republic for which it stands
One nation under God
With a woof-woof here And a woof-woof there
Here a woof, there a woof Everywhere a woof-woof
You get it.
I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you.
That is why I've asked you to go around and tell me your names.
I have an amazing mnemonic device
by which I have now memorized all of your names.
Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy,
sugar boobs, black woman.
I have taken a unique part of who you are
and I have used that to memorize your name.
Baldy, your head is bald, it is hairless,
it is shiny, it is reflective, like a mirror.
"M," your name is Mark.
Yes. Got it. It works!
Uh, it's very insulting.
But it works.
I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
But we already know each other's names.
Well, then it will be easier for you.
But I still think it's worthwhile to give it a try.
Okay, all right, everyone. Meeting's over.
But I still have more.
Can I please see you in my office, please?
She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K," Karen.
Pam, let's go.
I can't accept these prices, Stanley.
They just cut our budget.
Brought you guys some coffees.
Stanley, I know you have adult-onset diabetes,
so I put Splenda in yours.
Let's see, how many did I put in there?
One, two, three, four Splendas in your coffee, Stanley
None in yours, Julia, because I don't know how you take it
But if you'd rather...
Four Splenda? Are you crazy?
No, I actually only put in two,
but that's not how the song goes.
Are you out of your damn mind?
Are you out of your damn mind?
You bring an angel like that into this office
and you don't even set me up with her.
We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
We are friends. Stanley, we're friends.
And you let me down.
You really like her, huh?
Yeah, I really like her with all my heart.
Give me two clients for her.
I grab this, and I turn it on and I say,
"Prepare yourself for the Utica Chain Store Massacre."
No, that is incredibly dangerous.
No, don't worry, the chain is off.
No, it's not.
You know, I think I'm just going to distill all of this
and send it in an e-mail to my team.
E-mail's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't blow it.
So, when are you due?
Uh, in about a month.
Wow, that is wonderful. Congratulations.
Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
It's really amazing. Congratulations, Karen. Thanks.
So is there a guy or a person
or a sperm machine that did this to you or...
Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Great.
His name is Dan.
This is us. We're so dorky. That's cute.
Yes, thank you.
He's a dermatologist. We met at a bar. Can you believe that?
What is happening there?
Oh, yeah, don't even... That's really dorky.
It's really sweet.
No, it's really dorky.
You were right the first time.
So how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?
They're good. Jim's good.
We're engaged.
That's so great. That's great.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships.
This is really a wonderful moment.
I have to take care of a couple of things,
so Andy will be taking over things here.
You are in good hands and give my best to your mother.
So, Julia, um, let's see.
With regards to billing, should we send bills
to you or to your boyfriend's house, or...
No, it can go straight to our business address.
Oh, okay. All right. That makes sense.
How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success?
Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or...
Actually, I don't have a boyfriend.
Really? Is that... Wow, that's so weird.
Guys, stop everything.
I'm about to ask out this girl and I'm completely panicking.
Oh, my desk is over...
This gal, she's really into you?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
I've seen her like three times today
and we love all the same music
and whenever I walk into a room she totally looks up.
All right, say no more. This is how I got Squeaky Fromme.
No small talk. Just show her who's the boss.
Just go right in and kiss her.
Okay, it sounds risky.
Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Wait, what?
I would give that lecture a solid B-plus.
Although, for the record, Karen, wow, kind of mean.
I like her.
Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
I'm serious. I'm really glad I came.
Why?
Because, um...
Because I'll never wonder ever again if I did something wrong,
and now I have closure.
She's happy,
and, I don't know, it feels good.
Thanks for walking me out.
Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdoes out here, so...
You must be freezing.
I am about to die.
Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
No, it's okay. This is my car.
Okay. Okay.
Well, listen,
you're a new client and as one of my new clients
you will always be taken care of
and that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
What's a Nard-Dog?
This is the Nard-Dog.
Whoa! What the hell?
Oh...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I thought we had this energy
and I'm a mess and I just had my heart broken
and you came in today and you're so pretty.
You're, like, incredibly pretty.
I just got out of a relationship, too. It's really hard.
Yeah, right? Wow.
Do you want to talk about it?
Go to a mall or something, just walk around?
No, I don't think so.
Sure, yeah, you're right. It's too soon.
Definitely too soon for me,
so I'm glad we got that out of the way.
I'm going to be in touch with you in three months.
I'm going to call you about that order.
And maybe about that mall walk.
Okay.
Take care, Julia.
Thank you.
Sorry I tried to kiss...
We lost the account.
Damn it!
- Dwight Schrute. - How old is Kelly?
Who is this?
It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.
Look, I'm at the supermarket and they only have numbered candles.
How old is she?
Twenty-four. Thirty-seven.
Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?
I'll call you back.
I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidential file.
Allow me to share.
"Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996
"at Berks County Youth Center."
Juvie.
"According to past employers, it in no way affects her job..." Blah, blah, blah.
Are you asleep?
No.
Just thinking about what you said.
About Karen, about closure.
You remember Holly? She used to work for HR.
No, remind me.
Blonde hair,
nice boobs.
Not too big, not too small.
Perfect boobs. Of course I remember Holly.
She was the love of my life.
What you and Jim have times a hundred. Just... She...
She just left and I didn't...
I never got closure.
You know? I never got closure with her.
I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since.
And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
I feel like I need that.
Okay. Let's go.
Oh, just blow off the lecture at Rochester?
Yeah. Screw them, let's do this.
Okay.
I am collecting $3 from everybody for Kelly's party.
I'd like to contribute.
Oh, great.
Here you go.