The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 15 - Lecture Circuit: Part 2 - full transcript

I am on a lecture circuit.
I'm going around to all the branches,
and I am telling them my secret recipe for success.
I have now memorized all of your names.
Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy.
Hi, Kelly. Screw you.
Excuse me.
Screw you, too.
You forgot her birthday.
...and I turn it on and I say,
"Prepare yourself for the Utica Chain Store Massacre."
How's Jim? We're engaged.
Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you.
Wow. Thank you.
"Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center."
Juvie.
You remember Holly?
She used to work for HR.
She was the love of my life.
She just left and I never got closure.
And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
Okay. Let's go.
Two.
I didn't eat lunch.
I didn't eat all my lunch.
Hello, everyone.
Ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.
It... Yeah.
Angela, you're more chipper than usual.
I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family.
She's hypo-allergenic, she doesn't struggle when you try to dress her,
she's a third-generation show cat.
Her father was in Meet the Parents.
Needless to say, she's very, very expensive.
How much? $7,000.
For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.
Where did you get that kind of money?
I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.
Wait, you didn't give it back?
He wouldn't have wanted that.
Her name is Princess Lady.
Seven grand. I've got to see that little bitch.
I have something better than a picture. Come on.
You have your cats on Nanny Cam.
Yeah. I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat,
but I'm out of vacation days,
and this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity.
I mean, somebody has a kid, oh, sure, take off a year.
She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Right. Anyways, I just want to make sure
Princess Lady is acclimating well.
She means more to me than anyone.
Any cat, you mean.
And person.
So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the lecture circuit,
so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure.
Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone.
I don't think they get a lot of visitors.
Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis.
I've been driving too long.
- What did you do? - Stop yelling at me!
What did you do? I didn't do anything.
What did you learn in there?
I'll bet you learned things, huh?
Like how to fashion a shiv.
Hey, what the hell's going on?
Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15?
I was kicking it.
In juvie.
What? Juvie-nile detention center.
Where they send teenagers. Yep.
For re... Got it.
What did you do, huh?
Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14,
so maybe we want to go a little easy.
If she's old enough to get married,
she's old enough to follow the law.
What did you do?
My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat.
He told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's.
I just thought it'd be really romantic,
like Thelma & Louise, but with, like, a boat.
And it was the worst year of my life.
And I can't believe that you guys are
making me talk about this on my birthday.
I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.
Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
You did? I want to see the cake.
And, ta-dah.
I hate it.
How do you hate it? It's a cake.
Well, there's no flowers or toys or...
I mean, there's nothing on it.
Where did you even find a cake like this?
It doesn't even have my name on it.
Do you guys know what my name is?
My name is Kelly. Right.
I forgot if there was an "E" between the "L" and the "Y."
I still don't know.
I don't even know what the theme is! What's the theme?
It's birthday. Frosting.
Those aren't themes.
There's always a theme.
There's always a theme.
Nice job on the cake, bozo.
Okay, you know what? Next time, I'll let you get the cake
and I get to scream at the birthday girl.
Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign.
Yeah.
Do I look okay? You look good.
Hi. Hi, can I help you?
Yes, you can. I am Michael Scott,
Regional Manager of the Scranton Branch.
Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat.
Thank you.
Um...
Is Holly Flax anywhere here?
Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days.
She's not here?
But if you need to get in touch with her immediately,
you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here.
A.J.
Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there.
She has a boyfriend.
I'm so sorry, Michael.
How could she do this to me, Pam?
She's not doing it to hurt you.
I can't do the presentation, I can't.
Just thinking about seeing him,
and thinking about him getting to hold her
and getting to kiss her is just... Oh, God.
Listen, when Jim was dating Karen,
I didn't want to come to work.
It was awful, I hated it.
I wanted to quit, but... Just, please, come on.
I'm going through something, okay?
You know, when Holly gets back,
everyone will tell her what a great job you did.
And then she'll realize what she's missing.
And then she'll move back to Scranton, and her boyfriend will die.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
One step at a time.
You can do this.
I can do this.
It could be snacks or...
But why would we...
Is that what I think it is?
Good God!
That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady.
- No! - Awesome.
Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat, that is very bad.
You stop it right now. I swear he is fixed.
I know fixed, that ain't fixed. No way.
No, now listen, you can't let what you see
here sully your image of them.
They are good, decent cats.
I got to go. I'll be back in an hour.
Oh, stop that!
The other one's watching.
Okay, so all we need is a theme.
And cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.
Busy.
Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Is this how you are with Pam?
Because she must want to shoot herself in the face.
You know what? I could use a little help.
You know what? I'm a little busy.
We have a lot to do, and you are
putting up a very effeminate sign.
Is that what you've been doing? Making a sign?
It's not effeminate. It's festive.
You've been making that sign
for something that we could just announce to the whole office?
Hey, everybody, the party's now at 3:00!
I know, I just read it on the sign.
Good morning, Viet-Nashua!
Sales. Sales is what brings us together today.
How do we deal with clients who say,
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about paper,"
and get them to show us the money?
Well, we are going to find out today.
Show of hands, how many of you are salesmen?
Let's see the salesmen.
Oh, okay. Well, I know what the rest of you are thinking.
"Wow, yuck, salesmen are the worst, they are awful.
"They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them.
"Handsome, good listeners, funny. Mr. Wonderful."
So, okay, you're a salesman, what's your name?
A.J.
A.J. What kind of name is A.J.? What, do you race cars?
I'm a salesman, that's why I raised my hand.
Ouch. Okay. Good.
You're funny, very good and funny.
Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?
Yeah. Why, you interested?
I have a question about discounts from distributors.
Yep, we will get to you.
Okay, so you're dating somebody.
Um...
Is it serious?
It's pretty serious. Yes.
Does she ever talk about me?
Oh, God.
Excuse me?
What does this have to do with sales?
It's all connected, shut up.
Does she ever mention Michael Scott?
No. What are you talking about?
Does it feel good?
Does what feel good?
Your life. Oh, wow.
My legs are sort of giving out.
Long drive in the car, so let me...
...just continue.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Michael, get off the floor.
Yeah, yeah, I can't do this, Pam.
Just read the cards. No, no, no.
Michael, you have to do it.
No, I'm okay. I'm all right.
Okay. Okay.
That was weird, huh?
It's all part of the presentation.
It was confusing, right?
Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs.
I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened
and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation.
Sales is like a box of chocolates.
You never know which vendor you're gonna get.
Forrest Gump.
Blazer, freckles, penguin,
K. D. Lang, Holly's boyfriend.
These mnemonic devices help to make a connection,
and then also to help you memorize names.
I have a chainsaw!
Cutting down the competition.
- Where is that bad cat? - You know who you are.
Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash.
He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat.
Do you hear me? Bad. You are bad.
No, you look at me when I talk to you.
Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? Look at me.
This is getting weird.
Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?
Has this been on the entire time?
I have no idea.
I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.
Well, sorry I'm late.
I want to get that image out of my head.
The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat
are not things I want to go into.
Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.
Don't look up. Don't look up.
Want some pie? No.
I went through Holly's things. What?
I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
Oh, Michael.
I also stole something off of her computer.
A document called "Dear Michael." You did what?
I shouldn't have done it. It just... I couldn't help it.
She never sent it to you? No, she didn't.
I'm going to read it.
No. Yes.
No, under no circumstances can you read that letter.
It's a violation of her trust.
How?
Because she didn't send it to you. I know, I know.
You're right, you're right.
I could read it.
No, I wouldn't...
Yeah, I could read it.
No, you don't have to do that.
Go get your laptop. Okay.
What? I'm not in love with her.
You have to write my suggestions down, too.
I'm not writing "horse hunt." I don't even know what that means.
It's in the name.
Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death,
cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football,
mating, charades and, yes, horse hunting.
You're right. Forget horse hunting. It's stupid.
Look, is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?
Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet.
A sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I'd never felt before.
Father dressed in white pulls me forward, mother bites the cord.
Okay, stop. Forever stop that story.
That's disgusting and it doesn't count. So give me another one.
Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot.
It started as a Depression-era practicality
and then moved on to an awesome tradition
that I look forward to every year.
What about you?
Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me
to the Natural History Museum in New York,
and we looked at fossils all day.
And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops.
It was awesome.
That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops?
Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Didn't see that one coming.
It's deleted.
She still has feelings for you.
She said that?
Is that what it said? What did it say?
I can't tell you specifically,
but it's not over.
You're sure?
Okay.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday. Surprise.
It's... Hey, hey, it's not a surprise.
This doesn't look good.
What? You have a cake.
You have a delicious cake with your name spelled correctly?
I told you. You haven't heard our theme, though.
You don't hear a theme. You see it.
Why is there a Chiclet on my cake?
That's the best part. That represents a pillow. Or a television.
Our theme, if you will.
Because the fun part is you get to decide
on an hour of television or an hour of napping.
That's our theme.
Cool. Yeah?
I love it.
Oh, yes! Okay, good.
So what's it going to be, Kapoor?
Can she pick a half hour of each?
No. No.
Then pick TV.
- Pick a nap. - No, no. TV.
Watching TV at work is really cool.
Pick a nap. Nothing good is on right now.
Bonnie Hunt is on.
You know what? I have been watching TV all week.
I choose nap. All right.
Okay, nap it is. Everyone out! Get out.
We're going to be eating cake at our desks.
Let's go. Move it.
Let's go, go, go, go, go, come on. I got this.
This is for you. And happy birthday, Kell.
Thank you.
Okay. You've got one hour.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Mmm.
Great cake.
Thanks.
Birthday time is over.
Now go make up for all the work you missed
when you were taking your nap.
Many happy returns.
I feel great. So good to have closure.
We should go apologize to Roy or something.
No. We don't need to do that.
Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged?
Oh! Oh!
What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted?
We should find him. You mean Tony.
Jabba the Hutt, Pizza the Hut.
Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, Pepperoni Tony.
Oh, Michael.
Man, was he fat. So, so fat.
You know what? Forget it.
I know me. When I saw him I would never be able to apologize to him.
Too fat. Big, fat fatty.