The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Deposition - full transcript

So, the figures show improvement
right there, Michael.

And again...

I'll call back.

You never call back.

Every time Michael's
in a meeting,

he makes me come in
and give him a Post-it note

telling him
who's on the phone.

I did it once and he freaked out.
He loved it so much.

The thing is he doesn't
get that many calls.

So he has me make them up
every 10 minutes.

Tell him
I'll call him back.



You can't just work 200 days...
Sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't
have time for this.

Tell him I'm
in a meeting.

So.

You have to know how to work this.
There's no excuse for this.

Yeah. I can get you a
tutor if you need.

Oh.

Ah, this is a very
important client,

but I have the most important client
sitting right in front of me, my boss.

So I will call him back.
Oh, no, no, no.

Customer service is obviously priority one.
You can take the call.

No. Money isn't
everything, Ryan.

And you're my friend,
and I don't want to be rude.

Take the call, friend.
I refuse. No.



My house, my rules.
I insist.

I insist you take
your work calls.

Okay. All right, Pam, would
you put the call through?

Hiya, buddy.

I don't know, I just... I never
felt welcome there, you know?

That's...
It's such a boys' club.

Yeah. I hate that.
Good.

So, here's the deal.

I am on my way to New
York to be deposed

as part of Jan's wrongful
termination lawsuit.

The company fired her
for having the courage

to augment her boobs.

And they displayed

a pattern of disrespect
and inappropriate behavior.

Yes. Yes. Pattern. "Pat-turn."
My friend Pat took a turn.

That's how
I remember that.

Could we pull over
and put down the top?

My... I'm feeling a little...
No.

...queasy. No, I want it up.
My hair.

Remember, it's not
just a pattern.

It's a pattern of disrespect
and inappropriate behaviors.

"Dis-ray." My friend
Dis Ray got new specs.

Dis Ray Spect.

My friend In-A-Pro drives a
Prius with his behind neighbor.

Does this
work for you?

Yep.

Tell them how much you're
going to get if you win.

Come on, Michael, that's tacky.
Million dollars.

4 million.
$4 million!

Man, that is a lot of guacamole!
Lot of the green. Lot of green.

That is why I have
memorized Jan's answers

and I've also thrown in
some "er's" and "ah's"...

No, Michael... just
to make it seem like

it's not memorized.
No, come on.

Perfect crime! Stop
saying ridiculous things.

He's just going to tell the truth. The
truth is very, you know, complicated.

So we went
over it carefully,

and just so that we wouldn't leave anything
up to chance or Michael's judgment.

Could we please pull over
and pull down the top?

I do not feel good. Michael,
I told you, I'm not...

I'm getting carsick!
...putting the top down!

I'm going to puke. I think
I'm going to throw up.

All right, fine. Just a second.
Hold on.

Hey, Schneider,
real quick,

what do you call a buttload of
lawyers driving off a cliff?

A good start. And I
think it's "busload."

Yeah, a bunch of rich
lawyers took the bus.

Where did you find
this guy?

Hey, there he is.
Hey, Michael.

Hey, hey.
Jan.

I'm glad you're here. I actually
need to talk to you for a second.

Yeah. Okay.

Can we talk off the
record as friends?

I would love that.

Jan has put the company in a
very tough position here.

Now, you've been with us for a long time.
Over 10 years, right?

We just want to be sure that you won't do
anything to hurt us with your testimony.

Do you understand?
Abso-fruitly. Yeah.

I'll... I'll do anything
for the company. Good.

That is great
to hear.

It is.

Game, son!

All right,
let's run it back.

The warehouse got a
Ping-Pong table last week.

Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl.
Sometimes I bring him juice.

My boyfriend is 12.

What has two skinny chicken
legs and sucks at Ping-Pong?

Hi, Kelly. Guess whose
boyfriend it is?

I don't want to guess. I'll give
you a hint, it's not my boyfriend.

I think it's
a guy over here.

I don't talk trash.
I talk smack.

They're totally
different.

Trash talk is all hypothetical,
like, "Your mama's so fat,

"she could eat
the Internet."

But smack talk is happening,
like, right now.

Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact
'cause I got the evidence right there."

Jim? Can I see you
for a second?

Sure.

Wow.

Okay, it's not regulation
size, but it'll do.

You have to practice. You have to
get really good and beat Darryl.

Oh, I can't beat Darryl.
Please.

Kelly's trash-talking me
because Darryl's beating you.

What? Seriously?
What is she saying?

Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs
steroids just to watch baseball.

Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball
if it was the size of the moon.

Were Jim's parents first cousins
that were also bad at Ping-Pong?

So, you're asking me to defend
your honor against Kelly?

Sort of. Yes.

Bring me a player.
Okay.

Hi, everyone. Dianne Kelly. I'm the
company's chief legal counsel.

Hi. No. No. Absolutely not.
What is he doing here?

Toby? Are you renewing
your divorce vows

before my
deposition?

Michael,
I'm your HR rep.

I'm on your side.
Never.

I want him gone. I don't
talk until he leaves.

Michael, just relax, okay?

You know what, I think they're
ready for us now, so...

Okay.
All right.

Mr. Scott, do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth

and nothing
but the truth?

Yes.
Mr. Scott,

can you describe the circumstances of Ms.
Levinson's termination?

Well, it was not
just a termination.

It was a pattern of disrespect
and inappropriate behavior.

Oh, very good.
Well put.

People underestimate
Michael.

There are plenty of things that
he is well above average at,

like ice-skating.

He is a very
good ice-skater.

Hey, Kevin,
Jim needs to see you.

About what?

He needs help balancing
some travel receipts.

Are you sure
he wants me?

Because I have Oscar balance
my travel receipts.

Yeah, no, he asked
for you specifically.

He's in the conference room.

Awesome!

How long have you
known the plaintiff?

I haven't
actually seen it,

but I have
seen The Firm

and I'm planning on renting
The Pelican Brief.

How long have you
known Ms. Levinson?

Six years
and two months.

And you were directly
under her the entire time?

That's what she said.

Excuse me?

That's what she said.

Ms. Levinson told you that she
was your direct superior?

What? Why would
she say that?

Can we just move on to another question?
No, wait,

I don't understand. Who's
on record as saying this?

With all due respect, I'm in the
middle of a line of questioning.

Now, Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms.
Levinson said

regarding your employment status with
respect to her corporate position?

Come again? That's what she said? I
don't know what you're talking about.

If I may, he was just telling a joke before,
so can we move on to another question?

Oh, are you sure?
Yes.

Can you go back to where
this digression began?

Mr. Schneider, "And you were
directly under her the entire time?"

Mr. Scott,
"That's what she said."

Well, delivery's all wrong.
She's butchering it.

Yeah, that's
what I thought.

Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she
thought she was being fired?

She thought it had to do with the twins.
That's what I call them.

Could you be more specific.
Who are the twins?

To be delicate,
they hang off milady's chest.

They make milk.

You don't need
to go any further.

Her breasts?
Yes.

She thought it had something to do with
her recent breast-enhancement surgery?

Yes. And frankly, the timing was
nothing short of predominant.

What about your romantic
relationship with Ms. Levinson?

Could that have played a part
in her termination?

Well, if it did,

then the company
is breaking its own rules.

Interesting.
How so?

Because before we started dating, we
disclosed our relationship to HR.

And I have the proof
right here.

Okay, the company has just a few
clarifying questions, Mr. Scott,

if that's okay with you?
I will allow it.

Would you mind,
please, just

taking a quick look at
this photograph, please?

That is you and Ms. Levinson
in Jamaica, is that correct?

Uh-huh.

And that photograph was
taken more than two months

prior to the start of your
relationship, does that sound right?

Mr. Scott, the timeline here
is actually very important.

Please, when did your
relationship actually begin?

Well, it depends
on how you define begin.

I mean, if it's from the first time
we shook hands, like, six years ago.

If it's from the first time we
kissed, it's, like, two years ago.

Excuse me? If it was from the
first time we kissed sober,

it was, like,
four months after that.

Can we take
a short break?

No. Are you telling me
that your relationship

began two years ago and not in F'ebruary
as you previously testified to here?

Line.
I'm sorry, what?

He asked for a line,
like in a play.

"Mr. Scott, do you realize you
just contradicted yourself?"

"I did." "Yes, you did."
"Can I go to the bathroom?"

"No." "I really have to. I've
been drinking lots of water."

"You went five minutes ago." "That
wasn't to go to the bathroom,

"that was to get out
of a question."

"You still have to answer it." "F'irst,
can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

Good game,
Meredith.

Don't patronize me.

All right, what is going on here?
Dwight!

Thank God you're here.

As it turns out, one of our biggest
clients is a Ping-Pong master.

And I have to play him tomorrow,
or we lose the account.

Can you help me out?
Will you help me practice?

What the hell?
I told you.

All of my heroes
are table-tennis players.

Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove
Waldner, Wang Tao,

Joerg Rosskopf and, of
course, Ashraf Helmy.

I even have a life-sized poster
of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.

And the first time
I left Pennsylvania

was to go to the Hall of F'ame
induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Jan and I had an on-againloff-again
relationship for two years.

And I know this destroys
her case and I am sorry,

but I throw myself at the
mercy of the deposition.

Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's
all we needed to know.

Wait.

We'd like to enter into the record a page
from Michael Scott's personal journal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing
with my diary?

This is plaintiff's exhibit 107.
No.

I quote from
an entry dated

January 4
of this past year.

"Just got back from Jamaica,
tan almost everywhere.

"Jan, almost everywhere.
Hee, hee.

"Oh, Diary, what a week.

"I had sex with my boss. I don't
know if it's going to go anywhere.

"Jan was very specific that
this is not going anywhere,

"that it was
a onetime mistake.

"But we had sex six times,
so you tell me.

"I am definitely
feeling very eerie."

Irie.

Irie. Sorry.

"More tomorrow.
X-O-X-O, Michael."

It would appear that neither
you nor Ms. Levinson

considered you
had a relationship

in any sense of the word.
Is that correct?

We're going to need to see a copy of
that entire journal before we proceed.

I don't think anyone in this room
has a right to read my diary.

It's basic discovery. We
have the right to review it.

Okay, let's make 10
copies of this diary.

Could you make it 11?

Eleven. Sure. And we'll break for
lunch, so everyone can have a look.

Can I sit here?

You know, I know a little bit about
what you're going through in a way.

When I was a kid,
my parents got divorced.

They both wanted custody

and they both asked me to testify
against the other one in court.

So, I don't know. I didn't want them to get
divorced in the first place, you know?

I love them
both so much.

I just wanted...

How could you give up
my diary like that?

I had to. I'm sorry,
but I need to win this.

We need to win this.

How did you
even find it?

You keep it under
my side of the mattress.

I don't like the lump. I'm
really upset about this.

All right, I stole your diary
and gave it to my lawyer.

You e-mailed a topless photo of
me to everyone in our company.

Let's call it even.

F'ine. I love you.

I love you, too.

Mr. Scott, who is this
other woman, Ryan,

who you refer to here as "Just as hot
as Jan, but in a different way."

Not a woman, just a cool,
great-looking, best friend.

Aren't we trying
to determine

whether Michael and Jan were
engaged in a romantic affair?

Not Michael and
this Ryan person.

- Excuse me.
- All right.

All right, this is
the way I see it.

Yes, I had sex with Jan and, yes, I
did consider Jan to be my girlfriend,

however, Jan clearly did not
consider me to be her boyfriend.

So her actions are
completely rightful.

Okay, Mr. Scott,
it's admirable

the way you defend a woman
who is so obviously ambivalent

about her relationship
with you.

Thank you very much.
You didn't have to say that.

Considering she consistently gave
you such poor performance reviews.

That was before our relationship.
She was going through a divorce.

And she was
drinking a lot.

Okay.

Of water.

Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a
particularly negative performance review.

Would you mind reading the
date on that, please?

"March 17."

And that would be a month after
your relationship became official,

is that correct?
Yes.

You may read

the highlighted portion
out loud if you'd like to.

"I am out of carrots.
I am out of sticks.

"Mr. Scott has time and
again proven himself

"to be an unmanageable employee
and a poor branch manager.

"I recommend he be removed
from that position

"and reassigned to sales
where he belongs."

Mr. Scott,
after hearing that,

wouldn't you say
that Ms. Levinson's judgment

is at least very
seriously flawed?

Mr. Scott?

How's it going?

Well, he has gone from completely
hopeless to simply miserable.

Check this out,
though. Spin serve.

Works, like,
80% of the time, so...

Nice.

So, should I schedule
the rematch with Darryl now?

I think I'm ready.

I'll make the call.

Wait a minute,
Darryl is the client?

No, no, no, he works
here, dumb ass!

Right.

Spin serve!

How could you
do that to me?

You can respond. Just remember
it's all going into the record.

Michael, I'm not the enemy, okay?
Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.

Dunder Mifflin has
always treated me

with the utmost respect,
with loyalty.

They were going to give me your
job, and I should have taken it.

All right, wait,
before you go any further,

let me show you what kind
of loyalty they have, okay?

Lester, please read that part
of Wallace's deposition.

Starting at paragraph six.

Counsel, "Mr. Wallace,
regarding Michael Scott,

"was he a contender
to replace Jan Levinson?"

David Wallace, "Yes."

See? I was number-one contender.
I was being groomed.

Counsel, "Was he
your first choice?"

David Wallace, "Michael
Scott is a fine employee

"who has been with the
company many years."

Counsel, "Was he in
the top five of contenders?"

David Wallace,
"What do you want me to say?

"Come on, he's a nice guy. There
were many people that I considered."

Counsel, "Was he being seriously
considered for the corporate job?"

David Wallace, "No."

I have one more question,
Mr. Scott.

Wouldn't you agree
with Ms. Levinson

that the company exhibits
a pattern of disrespect

toward its employees?

Absolutely not.

Yes! Way to go!
See that?

Yeah. The floppy-haired
girl you date won a point.

Nineteen
serving four.

Nice, baby!
Nice one!

Hey, hey, you, you
I don't like your boyfriend

'Cause, 'cause, 'cause, 'cause
'Cause he sucks at Ping-Pong

You know what? I'm sick of this.
Let's go. You and me!

What? Let's go!
Pick up a paddle.

Okay. Bring it on.
I am.

You think you
can handle this?

In my sleep.

Okay, volley
for serve. "P."

"O."

"P."

"O."

Do you want to go play
on the table upstairs?

- "P."
- "O."

Yes.

"P."

Michael,
I am very sorry.

Oh, hey,
no biggie. Just...

No, no, no.
This was rough.

We never meant for you to get
caught in the middle of this.

I'm very sorry.

Hey, David?

Yeah?

I think you're
a nice guy, too.

Thanks, Michael.

Why did I do it?

I don't know.

Jan said that it was
because of the photo

that she revealed the diary.

But she already brought the diary
with her to New York. So...

You expect to get screwed
by your company,

but you never expect to get
screwed by your girlfriend.

What do you want
to do for dinner?

How about Chinese?

We should really try
to save some money.

How about
something cheap?

That was my cheap suggestion.
Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Can you do fast food?
F'ine.

F'ast food's fine.