The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 7 - Survivor Man - full transcript

Coat!
Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada.
He has his Netflix sent here to the office,
and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
Steak!
Where's my steak?
He's a big Meryl Streep fan,
so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Get me Armani.
A suit?
On the phone.
Like the main company number?
'Cause I'm gonna have to call information. Where's Armani?
He's on the phone. Too slow. You're not going to Paris.
I'm so much better than you.
I owe you an apology.
You finished the movie.
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending.
Won't ruin it for you.
No. Go ahead.
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming.
Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry.
I just want what's best for you, minooshka.
Minooshka.
Mo cuishle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby.
He's gonna try to kill me.
So this one goes with my eyes, and this one goes with your eyes.
People have said I have very pretty eyes.
You do.
I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Well, they both go with the carpet that I've ordered,
and if we go with the brown leather on the sofas then they go with that, too.
We already have a sofa so why are...
A futon's not a sofa.
It folds up. You've only seen it flat.
I know what a futon is, Michael.
I... Okay. How much is this gonna cost?
It costs what it costs.
No. That doesn't even mean anything.
We have gone through this, okay. We have gone through this.
Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life,
when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have?
No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have,
and my children and my comedy albums.
I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.
It's just, you know, you say it's gonna cost what it...
Yeah? Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Conniving little runt. Put him through.
Put him through. Yes? Ryan, my man.
I sent you an e-mail about the new PowerPoint.
Yes. And thank you for sending that to me.
I had IT install the updated PowerPoint on your computer
so you can use it for the presentation.
I really want people there using PowerPoint.
Okay. Yeah. No, I don't know.
I don't know. I think those IT guys messed up.
Hold on. I'll get them on the phone.
Wait. No. Here it is. Here it is. F'ound it.
Sure. I can hold.
Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute.
Please hold.
Schrute F'arms, Guten Tag. How can I help you?
Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party?
Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either.
Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.
Closest would be twin.
Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.
Hey, Dwight.
None of your business, Jim.
You running a bed and breakfast?
It is not a B&B.
Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast.
It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around,
giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Does the Department of Health know about this?
I am not telling you anything.
Permits are pending.
Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Hello. I'm looking for a room.
Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
It says here you cater to the elderly.
Where did you read that?
Trip Advisor.
Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry.
A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop.
That's what took down the Stalk Inn,
one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.
How many in your party?
Two.
We offer tours of the fields and of the barn.
Perhaps you'd be interested in Mose's table-making demonstration?
So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Oh, actually I need the car.
Why? F'or improv?
Why don't you just pretend that you have a car?
Good practice in case you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car.
Used to have two cars, traded them in. Now we're down to one.
Good economic sense, although the new car's a Porsche, for her.
One cardigan.
One sleeping cardigan.
One sleep apnea mask.
What about my cherub figurine?
You took that with you.
No. I left it on my night...
Your night table, by the lamp.
You are incorrect.
I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.
F'ine.
My girlfriend and I broke up recently,
and I must say I am relieved.
It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats.
In the Schrute family,
we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman,
he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents.
You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want.
I don't care. They're your oats.
The bar uses an applause meter. That's why it is so important
that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity II.
Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.
Michael, can I count on you?
You cannot. I have a thing tonight.
Damn it.
Michael.
What? That reminds me.
If the invitation still stands,
Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Oh, no. I have a thing tonight.
That stinks. Darn it.
Shoot.
How about this weekend? No. Can't.
We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Damn it to hell. Okay, all right.
What do you got going on tonight?
You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?
You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.
I'm sorry, Mr. O'Brien. I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner.
I just have a very exciting offer.
My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight.
Well, what if I told you
that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in five minutes?
How would that sound?
Amazing, right?
Well, it won't be that fast, but it will...
It will be that easy.
I can't believe this place is real.
I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but I never thought...
The Beets Motel.
The Beets Motel?
That is... Wow.
Thank you.
The Borscht Hotel.
The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.
How are you doing this?
I don't know.
Oh, my gosh.
I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that.
And I don't get to do enough of it as a manager, so I took this second job
kind of as a hobby.
Some people have golf or relaxing...
What's going on here?
Hey. I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call.
We're a legit operation with a license from the city. I can show you.
We pay minimum wage against commission.
Nope. They're with me, so... This is Nick F'igaro, manager to the stars.
We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
What are the themes?
America, Irrigation and Nighttime.
Irrigation.
Nice.
I'll put you down for Irrigation.
Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.
No.
Not even Harry Potter? No, Jim, come on.
- But you promised... - Mose, bags, now.
Here we are. Irrigation room.
A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration.
And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute F'arms,
but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires,
we'll get that power back on.
All righty.
Everybody in the conference room in five minutes.
These meetings are useless.
I just want to remind you to stick to the script.
It's been proven to work, so...
Got it?
Very inspirational.
We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales, okay?
Or a woman.
Or a trained seal.
You can make jokes when you've made a sale there, rookie. Okay?
I'd say one in six.
What?
I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.
You know, I just realized this is Pam's and my first night away together.
I used to play it over in my head,
and it was just a little bit different.
Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner, wine,
but wine that wasn't made out of beets.
Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all.
And I always imagine less manure.
I mean some manure, just less.
This is beet food.
Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down.
Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not...
Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Yeah. Who is this?
Well, I'm just calling because you responded positively to...
Michael?
Stanley?
Why are you calling me here at home?
Señor, are you happy with your long-distance service?
Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Have you...
Have you considered satellite television?
Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice.
All right.
Why are you calling me here at home?
When I'm at home, at night, in my own house,
in my sweats drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories,
the last thing in the whole godforsaken world
I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.
Well, your son sounds like he's really motivated.
I think it's crazy that the coach won't play him, frankly.
My office.
You bet.
Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script.
Say those words exactly, got it?
I don't know why we have to keep having this conversation.
Look, I know sales, and I had that sale. I just needed a few more minutes to...
A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
It's not a waste of time. This is a trading game.
No. Look. You give a quick pitch,
you make the sale, you move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Good for Vikram, because he outsells you every night.
No. Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
"And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand
"and felt Voldermort's surge of vicious anger.
"Saw the frail old man on the floor writhe in agony.
"'Harry.' It was over as quickly as it had come.
"Harry stood shaking in the darkness,
"clutching the gate into the garden, his heart racing."
What you got tonight?
It looks like mixed masala, eggplant and rice.
Oh, that looks good.
And what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?
I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
I was a surgeon back home.
Really? Yeah.
Wonder what I would have been back home.
Well, this is your home.
I know, but it's so competitive here.
What's $1 worth in your land?
Medical school must have cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
Uh, no.
I would have been chief of surgery.
Or a cowboy.
Wait, you're going out there?
Yeah. Coward.
Oh, my God. What century is this?
You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4.
Die Hard 1, the original, John McClane is just this normal guy, you know?
He's just a normal New York City cop
who gets his feet cut, and he gets beat up, but he's an everyday guy.
In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter in the air.
Yeah.
You know? He's invincible.
It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
Dude, you should review movies.
Oh, my God. Yes.
I'm telling you. Yeah. You should.
I actually wrote a movie. Really?
Well, I'm writing one, yeah.
What's it about?
Sort of a spy thriller.
Hey, what's so captivating?
I love captivating things,
and this must really be captivating because it's keeping you off the phones.
I mean, time is your money. That's how I know how captivating it is
because of how much time you've spent talking.
Your turn.
Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Hey, Dwight.
Oh, Jim.
I thought you were Mose.
Does Mose have nightmares?
Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.
Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Great.
Just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.
Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning.
Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Good night, Dwight.
Hey, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. You want to come?
We'd love for you to come, Michael.
Thanks, no. I have to work in the morning, so...
All right. Next time, dude.
Okay. See you guys.
Hey, how you doing?
You drive. I had too much wine.
Okay.
How was yoga?
I didn't go. Why?
Why not? I just didn't.
Okay.
How was improv?
Good night, Vikram. Good night.
Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Thank you, Michael.
I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.
Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
Good night. Good night.
Michael. Mmm.
Morning. Hi.
Hey, Dwight. How are you?
Pam.
You okay?
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Hey, guys. What's happening? How's my favorite branch doing?
Okay, Michael, why don't you start us off?
Um...
That wasn't much of an introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.
Oh, still lame. Okay.
All right.
Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction.
Okay, today we're going to be talking
about PowerPoint.
PowerPoint. PowerPoint. PowerPoint.
Yes, I forgot about Ryan's presentation, and yes, it would have been nice
to do well with the first presentation that he had given me.
But you know what else would have been nice?
Winning the lottery.
And the best way to start is to hit "Start,"
and up comes the tool bar, that's what she said.
What we have to do here is go to "Run,"
and then you look up to "PowerPoint."
And we are in.
We are going to register. You hit "Register."
Updates are ready. I should update.
"Estimated time 12 minutes."
So this should take about five or 10 minutes.
Is this the first time you've opened PowerPoint?
Why?
You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?
No. I had a really rough night, and my boss can back me up on that.
I'm your boss.
My other boss, Mr. F'igaro.
You have another job?
What I do between 5:30 p.m. And 1:00 a.m. Is nobody's business but mine
and my other business'.
Are you a cocktail waitress?
You cannot have a second job
if it affects your work here. It won't.
It did already.
Okay, honestly,
it is unlikely that I was gonna figure this out anyway.
You're so funny.
Why is Darryl here?
He works in the warehouse.
I invited him.
It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs. This isn't information you need.
This information here, yeah, you're right, I don't need this.
Okay.
Hey, come on.
See you later tonight.
I got plans later.
Okay. Bye, honey.
How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Why don't you do the presentation? Honestly...
Because I don't want... I mean, you know how to do it.
What I really want, honestly, Michael, is for you to know it
so that you can communicate it to the people here,
to your clients, to whomever.
Okay.
What?
It's whoever, not whomever.
No, it's whomever.
No. Whomever is never actually right.
Well, sometimes it's right.
Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
No. Actually whomever is the formal version of the word.
Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Not a native speaker. I know what's right,
but I'm not gonna say
because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Do you really know which one is correct?
I don't know.
It's whom when it's the object of a sentence and who when it's the subject.
That sounds right. Well, it sounds right, but is it?
How did Ryan use it? As an object? As an object.
Ryan used me as an object.
Is he right about that?
How did he use it again?
It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Thank you. ...to whomever, meaning us,
the indirect object, which is the correct usage of the word.
No one asked you anything, ever. So whomever's name is Toby,
why don't you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull?
Hey, this doesn't matter, and I don't even care.
Michael, you quit the other job or you're fired here.
I've never done this before.
I have never quit anything in my life.
So you are filming history.
Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full-time jobs.
One here at the lipaphadrazone diet pill company.
Lipophedrine. And in the other,
I was a regional manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
Never heard of it.
In this dream,
I did both of these jobs beautifully and I loved it and everybody loved me.
The truth is, I can't do this.
Are you quitting?
I am.
Come back anytime. Don't forget to disinfect your headset.
I was never in this for the money.
But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.
I tried to live the dream, I tried to have a job, a girlfriend,
another job, and I failed.
But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep
and try it all again the next night.
So...
What's up?
Me. All night.
Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
You're being gross.
Not from a male perspective.
You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking,
and she's totally not responding to my moves.
What moves?
I have moonwalked past accounting like 10 times.
I can't believe that's not working.
Yeah.
Um...
I don't know if I really see you two together.
Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
She's very religious.
Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.
Okay, well, she takes her convictions pretty seriously. She can be kind of severe.
Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
That's right. You did. Yeah.
Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple.
But I couldn't do that to Dwight.
Or Angela.
Or Andy.
Hey, Kevin, you're a gambler, right?
A rounder? You play the ponies, small horses?
I do gamble, Michael.
Yeah. I was thinking about doing some gambling myself.
You know, just a little bit of money.
Maybe doubling it, then doubling it several more times.
I don't know, kind of just for fun.
I was thinking, do you have any tips or ideas about sure things?
Like a boxer
who is gonna throw the big fight?
You know, like he's tied into some crooked dealings
and maybe his kid is sick or something? Like, who do I call about that?
The mob.
Do you know anybody in the mob?
Okay.
Oscar,
I'm gonna need to take another advance on my salary.
What do you mean you have plans tonight?
I have my daughter tonight. We're renting Charlotte's Web.
Well, you have to make a choice.
It's either your daughter or me.
My daughter.
Okay.
That's how it is.
Oops!
That was cold.
He's always been terrible with money.
I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poorhouse.
Yeah. Women be shopping.
I can't believe he has a second job.
He's not even good at his first one.
Hey, guys.
Shh.
What you talking about?
Okay. I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam,
if they're having sex,
what it looks like, and I think... Michael.
Hey, hey, hey.
Michael, are you having money problems?
Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems.
Why would I have monkey problems?
I know you heard me correctly.
Oh, I hate monkeys.
What's going on? Why do you have a second job?
I don't have a second job.
Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Somers.
Doesn't Jan have money?
I don't talk to my girlfriend about money.
It is rude and unsexual.
True.
It's best to hide our money problems from women.
I totally agree with you, but I don't have money problems.
All right, you know what? Watch this.
If I had money problems, would I do this?
Well...
You just put it back in your pocket.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I destroyed it. It's not even useable anymore.
Hey, let's call this what it is.
It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around.
It's gotten to the point where I get excited
every time I see that little dude walk through the door.
Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Hey, I like you.
All right?
What's not to like?
But you need to access your un-crazy side.
Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course.
Don't you dare walk away from me, Darryl Philbin.
You are the most selfish person
I have ever met in my entire...
Slow down. Think it over.
Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met.
I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking?
What kind of game is that?
Hey, cuz. Heard you're having money problems.
No, you didn't.
Listen, I got the answer.
You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.
When Creed Bratton gets in trouble,
he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is nuts.
Nobody just picks up Get Out of Jail F'ree cards.
Those things cost thousands.
That is a good point.
Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over.
It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Like the witness protection program.
Exactly. Not at all.
I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program.
F'resh start. No debts, no baggage.
I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton.
I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs.
That's the life.
I declare bankruptcy!
Hey. I just wanted you to know
that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
I didn't say it. I declared it.
Still. That's not anything.
This is a lot of credit card debt.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money.
She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Okay, $125 at Amazon.
Oh, best of The Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.
$1,200. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?
That is by far the best way to strengthen your core.
This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stirrups,
you reach up and you grab onto the super rod,
and you twist and you twist and you twist. It strengthens your entire core,
your back core, your arm core, your...
The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got corps.
I left a little present for Angela.
I think she's going to like it
'cause I found it outside Vance Refrigeration all alone,
and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her,
that they were destined to be together.
I got game.
Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need,
like a car and a house.
That's so cool how you have my name at the top.
The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials,
like magazines, entertainment. Right.
Things like that.
This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs,
like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
How did you do this so fast? Is this PowerPoint?
Oh, man.
Angela really had a hold on him. Angela.
Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator.
You meet with this guy... No. No.
We are going to leave Jan out of this.
She has to know.
We will find another way.
We'll ask PowerPoint.
Michael, this is a presentation tool.
You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
I'm done. No, you're not... Okay. Just...
You're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad,
but it could have been a lot worse, but due to some fancy financial footwork,
I was able to cut it in half.
Jan is smart.
She poses.
Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Stupid.
Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
No.
Maybe you should.
Maybe you should... Whatever.
We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote,
"The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms
"and makes you dream of simpler times."
"The dawn goose walk will tug at your heart strings."
"Table-making never seemed so possible."
"You will never want to leave your room."
"The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."
I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.
We really did. It was fun.
So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering,
he finds himself tremendously in debt.
You're broke?
How did you get that from what Oscar said?
How... I mean, Michael, how did this happen?
Where exactly did your money go?
I don't... I don't get this. I really don't. I don't...
I don't understand how you could be so irresponsible.
I mean, it is astounding to me, really.
I don't know what more to say, it's just...
Jan?
Yeah? What? Michael left.
Okay. Where did he go?
I don't know.
Well, is he coming right back?
I don't think so.
I'll be right there.
What am I doing? I am blowing Dodge.
I'm getting out of town.
Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities.
It feels good.
You may ask me out to dinner.
Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables and no seafood.
Dwight?
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Yeah, I didn't think I had.
Well, it was all about Pam.
Yeah. I mean, she was with Roy,
and I just couldn't take it.
I mean, I lost it, Dwight.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything.
And weird stuff, like food had no taste.
So my solution was to move away.
It was awful.
And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
And that includes you.
Hey, I was thinking about dinner, we...
Dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try
the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.
Okay. Yeah?
Yeah. Okay.
Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.
In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.
Jan, he went running that way.
Okay, great. Thanks.
Runaway train, never coming back
Run away and I'm never coming back
Michael?
Hey, Jan.
What's going on?
Not much. What's up with you?
Well, why are you sitting on a train?
Where are you going?
I am out of answers, Jan.
What does that mean?
I told you. No more answers.
This is who I am now.
A guy on a train with no answers.
I hope that can be enough for you.
Michael, come on.
Running away from your problems won't solve anything.
You know that. I don't know that.
Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease.
Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.
I'll stay off the grid.
Michael, come on.
Come on. You can deal with this. It's not that bad.
Yeah, it is.
It is. I really messed up.
Well...
When...
When my life fell apart and they screwed me in New York
and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone.
I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me on the advice of counsel,
and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
That's really nice of you to say.
Michael, no. What I want to say is you were there for me,
by my side,
without even a thought.
That's just who you are.
I mean, no matter how badly I treat you
or what I'm going through, you just... You are there for me,
and that is a guy worth staying beside.
So where is this train taking us?
I...
I think the engineer left.
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder Mifflin,
and according to our records, you appear to be low on office supplies.
Okay. Sure. Yeah. I can take care of that right now.
Don't sell your implants, please.
I'm keeping them. I know you like them.
They're kind of uncomfortable, though.
It's nice, though. Looks cute. Kind of painful,
and my nipples aren't as sensitive now. Looks cute, though.