The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 6 - Diwali - full transcript

There you go.
Oh.
Nice dress, Ryan.
It's not a dress. It's a kurta.
Okay.
Tonight, one of our most
ethnic coworkers, Kelly,
has invited us all to a Diwali celebration
put on by her community.
What is Diwali, you may ask?
Well, to have Kelly explain it,
"It's..."
"It's so super, fun.
And it's gonna be great."
A lot of gods with unpronounceable names.
20 minutes later, you find out
that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.
You look so handsome.
You really do.
I love the material.
I know.
How come you didn't get me one?
I...
Okay, so between Meredith's minivan,
and if I borrow Bob's Yukon,
that should fit about 12 people.
I actually might not go.
I'm feeling kind of tired.
Do you wanna make Appletinis
and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
I don't get why you won't go.
Did I do something wrong?
I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Maybe you've got mono.
Maybe.
I just...
I don't really have anyone to go with.
Well, go with Dwight.
He's single too right?
Yeah, totally single.
100% available.
Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
I don't know. Who's, uh, who's going?
Ohh... you mean, like, is Pam going?
Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Hey, hey, hey, stop that.
That is offensive.
Indians do not eat monkey brains.
And if they do...
sign me up.
Because I am sure that they are very tasty.
And nutritional.
It's important that this company
celebrates its diversity.
And you know what, Stanley?
Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Wha... really?
You should. It's fun.
I love the people here.
And if there was one thing I don't really care for,
is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant
about other cultures.
And I don't want them embarrassing me
in front of my girlfriend Carol.
Diwali is a very important holiday
for the Hindus.
But, frankly, I'm a little appalled
that none of you know very much about Indian culture.
So with out further adieu, Kelly!
You are on.
Um, Diwali is awesome.
And there's food,
and there's gonna be dancing.
And, oh, I got the raddest outfit.
- It has sparkles... - Kelly...
Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about
the origins of the holiday?
Oh, um, I don't know. It's really old, I think.
How many gods do you have?
Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
And that blue, busty gal... what's her story?
She looks like Pam
from the neck down.
Pam wishes.
Kelly, I'll take this one.
Diwali is a celebration of the coronation god king Rama
after his epic battle with Ravena,
the demon king of Lanka.
It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.
Hey, Polly.
Oops, sorry.
Sorry.
I started biking to work. Josh does it.
And he lives a lot farther away than I do.
And also, it saves gas money.
It keeps me in shape. Helps the environment.
And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.
Nice basket.
Thank you.
Now, a lot of people say
that Kelly is one in a million.
And that's true, but it's also not true.
Because, frankly,
there are literally billions of people
just like Kelly in the world.
Here are some famous Indians.
Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar.
He is a Nobel-Prize-winning physicist.
Impressive.
Apu, from The Simpsons.
Hilarious Indian.
M. Night Shyamalan.
The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense.
I see dead people.
Okay! Spoiler alert.
He was dead the whole time.
Just stop it!
What's... Oh, wha...
Where did that come from?
Karen, my chips got stuck
in the vending machine again.
I need your... skinny little arms.
Oh.
Did you shake it?
Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.
We have such a roller coaster thing,
Karen and I.
Excuse me?
Roller-coastery friendship.
Hot and cold. On again, off again.
Sexual-tension-filled type of deal.
It's very Sam and Diane.
Wow. From Cheers.
Yep. Yeah.
And another thing about the Indian people,
they love sex positions.
I present to you The Kama Sutra.
I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before?
I have, that's the union of the monkey.
Oh, that's what they call it.
This is the best meeting we have ever had.
Thank you, Kevin.
I find this incredibly offensive.
Well, I find it beautiful.
Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine.
But we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Actually, she's right.
This isn't appropriate.
Why don't I take these?
You're not gonna collect them.
No, this is delightful, charming culture.
My Indian cultural seminar was going great
until Toby decided that he was too immature
to deal with culturally explicit images.
It's just sex, people. Everybody does it.
I'm doing it with Carol.
Probably tonight.
All right.
I think you guys should be all set.
Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner.
Thanks. Now, Karen...
Let's keep it to $20 a person this time.
Got it.
Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch
has to stay late to do order form consolidation.
Which... amazingly,
is even less interesting than it sounds.
You guys ready to party?
What's that?
I said, are you ready
to part-ay!
Isn't this fun, not wearing shoes?
I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Stop it. It's a disease.
I've... told you.
I thought you said this was a costume party.
What does that look like to you?
An Indian woman in a sari.
No one's even gonna notice it.
Nice outfit.
Hey, Kevin, it's a costume.
You just cool it, okay?
Carol? Carol.
I'll have one of those as well.
Thank you very much.
Now, these are limes, lemons, onions.
I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
It's all vegetarian.
I'll just have some bread.
You used your hands.
Oh, yuck.
Oh.
What, is it too spicy?
Yeah.
These s'mores are disgusting.
They're not s'mores. They're samosas.
Do you think they have any s'mores?
All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow.
How difficult would that have been?
So... you're Kelly's sisters, huh?
What? Rupa, Neefa, Tiffany,
stop acting like such little losers,
and just be cool.
Come on, Ryan. Come on.
Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
They said something about Zach Braff.
Don't even listen to them.
No, you know...
That's very official.
I decided to come.
Uh, I feel a little underdressed.
But at least I'm not dressed
like a slutty cheerleader, right?
Is that mean?
Temp! Temp!
I don't even wanna hear it, okay?
Stop it right now.
Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money.
Wali is a whole doctor,
so handsome, makes good money.
- You think I wanna date a doctor? - He's a perfect match.
Hey, big tuna, you ready?
Yep.
One, two, three.
Shot!
Ohh! Holy mother of God.
Ooh, that burns.
Golly!
Good.
Whew.
Wow, 30 years!
And you two only met once before the wedding night.
Yes.
Wow.
How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Oh...
She's not a cheerleader.
She thought this was a costume party.
Um, no, we're not married.
Yet!
She's very fair.
She is very fair. Very fair and very kind.
So, um,
tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing
where when you die,
she has to throw herself on fire?
No?
Okay.
It's still very cool.
Okay, thanks.
One, two, three.
Chug!
Ooh!
Are you okay?
I'm gonna be.
Hi. I'm just gonna...
Just a sec, just a sec.
Um, everyone.
I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please?
Thank you.
Ha ha! Hi!
Sorry, I just have an announcement to make.
Um...
Okay.
I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight.
But I have learned even more about love.
And I know you're all thinking,
"Who is this crazy gringo, and what is he talkin' about?"
Well, I'm not crazy.
Maybe I'm crazy in love.
So, without
further adieu,
Carol...
Carol Stills...
I would like you...
to do me the honor
of making me your husband.
Oh, Michael.
What do you say?
Can we talk about this in private?
I didn't hear you.
Can we talk about this in private?
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Okay.
No, I get it.
I get it. You're not ready.
We'll wait.
This is our ninth date, Michael.
Well, yeah, but I...
I feel like I've known you many lifetimes.
Maybe I'm Hindu after all.
Okay, I'm not Hindu.
But... Carol...
Carol, I just feel like...
I just like you so much.
I'd better go.
Okay? You can find a way home, all right?
Yes.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Good night.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't I come with you?
'Cause I've got this book called The Kama Sutra.
Okay, good night, Michael.
All right.
Good night.
Well, I was a temp,
but I got promoted.
So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive.
So you're saving money now to start a family and home?
Oh, um, or travel.
And, um, and buy an Xbox.
Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Can you believe my boss
proposed to his girlfriend in public?
That is so Michael.
Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?
Yeah.
Hey, would you excuse me for a second?
Okay.
It's hot in there.
How's the naan? Dry.
You looked like you were having fun.
I am. You should come dance with us.
I have to watch our shoes, so they don't get stolen.
- Who are you texting? - No one.
Andy, no a cappella.
Wait, wait.
It's not good.
Tuna! Are you kidding me?!
Ohh!
Oh, my God.
Oh! Wow!
- Here. - That's so spicy.
Yeah.
Ohh.
You waiting for a call?
Uh, no.
Wow.
Pam...
When Carol said no tonight,
I think I finally realized
how you must be feeling.
We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Well, you were never really engaged.
I was in that marriage arena,
though.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Ohh... well.
I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
We're so alike.
So alike.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- I'm rejecting your kiss. - What?
I didn't...
I wa...
Can I have a ride home?
If you sit in the back.
Okay, guys.
Hey, can I have a ride, man?
I, uh, I have my bike.
No way, dude.
I am not driving home.
I brought an inflatable bed
for just such occasions.
You're welcome to share it, though.
It's a roomy twin.
Okay.
Hey, dummy, get in the car.
I'm a drunk driver.
Yes, you are.
Here, let me take that.
Just, uh, get in the car.
You can really hold your liquor, though, really.
Yeah, you can't.
Okay.
And I am just going to lie down in the back,
if that's all right.
Sure. Here's your... bag.
Just don't puke on anything.
You okay?
- So good. - Good.
These are not my shoes.
This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions.
If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.
Sorry.
This is going out to Indians everywhere.
It's a tribute to one of the greats.
Mr. Adam Sandler.
Let me tell you something.
Tonight has been...
Happy Diwali!