The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 22 - Beach Games - full transcript

Bleaah!
Okay, where does it hurt?
Just... all over.
I...don't want to do anything.
I'm dying.
No, that's not how it works.
You have to point to a specific part
of the body.
Right there.
"Abdomen."
"Menses." Maybe.
"The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it."
Not it. I don't have eggs.
So when did this start?
About ten minutes ago.
When I came in with the paperwork?
Mm-hmm.
About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick,
but has no symptoms.
Dwight is always gravely concerned.
Ooh, is it possible you ate food
that contained animal waste?
It's possible.
Michael? - Huh?
David Wallace is on line one.
You see a phone?
Oh.
All right, everybody out.
Out, out, out.
Okay...
To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?
Michael, I am calling...
And Gromit.
Jan?
Is Jan there?
Jan is out of town right now.
Oh, you sigh like Jan.
I broke Jan's heart, David, and I feel awful.
It was...
It was never my intention to ruin a life.
But you know what?
- Sometimes... - Michael?
You just gots to get your freak on.
- Michael? - Yeah?
- Michael? - Hmm?
I'm calling to see if you would come down
and interview for a job
we have opening up in corporate.
Really?
A week from today.
Bring your first-quarter stats and your recommendation
for who'd take over the Scranton branch.
Wow. Mm-hmm.
I wish I had prepared something to say.
That's not necessary.
May God guide you in your quest.
Yes.
Okay, everybody have their towels
and swimsuits?
We have about an hour and a half.
I suggest that you all go potty now.
And then we will be congregating
on the par-tay bus.
Oh, I'm excited... today is beach day.
Michael is taking the whole office
to the beach.
So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt.
Oh, yeah, I packed it in my purse.
Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Well, you can't swim in leather pants.
Ha ha ha.
I'm just yankin' your chain.
Not literally.
Anybody need sunblock?
It's got an SPF 30.
Oh, you know what?
Uh, you're not going.
It's beach day.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby.
We, um...
Somebody has to stay here.
I want today to be a beautiful memory
that the staff and I share after I have passed on
to New York.
And if Toby is a part of it...
then it'll suck.
Hey...
want my sunscreen?
Oh, great.
I forgot mine, and I'm wearing a two-piece.
Ahh.
Thanks, Toby.
Hey, Pam,
I have a very important job for you today.
I thought we were just having fun at the beach.
We, are, we are.
But I would like you to take notes.
And I want you to find out about people's character.
You know, not their hotness, per se,
but their humor and their charisma.
And the indefinable quality
that makes you all glad to follow me.
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away?
I will answer your question with a question.
It's like what happens to a chicken...
when you take its head away.
It dies.
Unless you find a new head.
I need to see which one of these people
have the skills to be a chicken head.
You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?
I want you to write down everything
that people are doing all day,
and then type it up in a way that is helpful.
All right?
I have the most boring job in the office,
so why wouldn't I have the most boring job
on beach day?
This way to the par-tay bus.
I just want to lie on the beach
and eat hot dogs.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Uh-huh.
Everybody, may I have your attention, please?
Today we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Oh, sweet mother of God.
If you don't like it, Stanley,
- you can go to the back of the bus. - Excuse me?
Or the front of the bus, or drive the bus.
Just...
We are all participating in mandatory fun activities.
Funtivities!
And there is a special secret prize for the winner.
Yes, funtivities!
I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.
Okay, you know what?
Your enthusiasm is turning people off.
I hope there will be management parables.
Well...
Hey, Pam,
did you get that down?
Like what?
Like everything I said, and everything they did.
- Just don't... - Well, no.
- Write it down before you forget it. - I don't remember exactly...
That's...
You've just been drawing pictures.
Rrrrr-rrrrr!
I can't stay mad at you.
Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Everybody ready?
Last one down is a rotten egg!
Watch out for snakes.
- Everybody put on sunscreen. - All right...
find a cozy spot.
Everybody settle in.
Okay, everybody up.
Circle around.
Let us play some games.
We are situated on the northeast corner
of scenic Lake Scranton.
America's eight largest indigenous body of water.
It is here that a group of Americans
will undergo the ultimate challenge.
One day, 14 strangers who work together...
but only one survivor.
What?!
Just words... inspiring words.
Not a contender.
For the competitions, you will be divided
into four tribes.
Each tribe will have a leader
that I will pick randomly off the top of my head
without thinking.
Jim, Dwight, Andy, and Stanley.
Yes! Choose your tribes.
Except for Pam. Not Pam.
Jim Halpert.
- Karen. - Pros:
smart, cool, good looking.
Remind you of anybody you know?
Cons: not a hard worker.
I can spend all day on a project,
and he will finish the same project
in a half an hour.
So that should tell you something.
I choose Michael!
I'm not playing.
Okay, temp.
Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job.
He has the best sales record in the office.
He loves the work.
He is, however, an idiot.
We are going to choose team names... Dwight.
We will be called Gryffindor.
Really? Not Slytherin?
Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
I know.
Okay, we will be Voldemort.
He who must not be named?
I wouldn't do that.
Voldemort.
Okay, seriously... Voldemort!
Voldemort, Voldemort... - You really shouldn't be say...
- Hey, hey, hey. - Voldemort.
- Voldemort! - Idiots!
Okay, okay, Stanley, your team name.
I don't care what you call my team.
Then I will name your team the red team.
No, the blue team.
I am also considering Stanley,
because of all the good that black people have done
for America.
We will be team U.S.A.
Very good.
Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.
Andy Bernard.
Pros: he's classy, he gets me.
He went to Cornell.
I trust him.
Cons: I don't really trust him.
It is time for the great spoon and egg race.
This one is with a little twist.
There's already a twist.
You're carrying an egg on a spoon. Shh.
The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded.
Please put on your blindfolds.
That person carrying the egg
will go down, circle a torch, come back,
deposit their egg in the pail.
First team back is the winner.
All right, ready, set, go!
Come on, Phyllis, you can do it.
Thank you so much.
Phyllis is out, yes! Follow my voice.
Yeah, keep it moving, keep it moving right this way.
Looking good, whoo!
I don't want to hit the big rock.
Don't worry, you're not...
I know I'm near the big rock.
- I just know it. - Nowhere near the big rock.
What are you doing? No!
See, now we're disqualified.
I am okay if I lose every single contest today.
Honestly.
Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me
to demonstrate what a good sport I am.
Mallard.
Whoa, stop, stop, stop... there's a hole.
Just step over the hole.
A hole? Yep.
Come on, lazy bones, move it!
Perfect. Ooh, just made it.
Okay, turn left.
Come on, andale, arriba, arriba.
You have to stop this right now,
or I'm not gonna do this anymore.
What are you saying?
You have to stop yelling at me, or I'm not go do the egg race.
Okay, I apologize for yelling at you.
That's what being a good captain is about.
I'm trying to bring team spirit.
Whoa, stop... another hole.
Take a big step.
Yes!
Oh, my God!
You ass!
There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach,
filled with sun, surf, and, uh, diligent note taking.
Pam, you're missing things.
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on, mush!
Mush! Come on, you bastard!
What the...
Damn it, temp!
Great job, everyone.
That was fantastic.
Okay, Pam, I have another little project for you.
Does it have to do with these shopping bags
filled with hot dogs?
Smart as a whip.
Yes, these are precooked,
so it's not absolutely necessary,
but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs
for a little contest I'm going to be having.
I would greatly appreciate it.
When's the contest?
Like, um, ten minutes.
- How am I supposed to get... - Thanks a bunch.
A good manager has got to be hungry.
Hungry for success.
Okay, who's hungry? No, no, no.
Do not touch the food, please, not yet.
That is our next event... a hot dog eating contest.
For those of you who are curious,
the world record is 54 1/2 hot dogs.
Wow!
And you know what?
I personally have cooked up enough
so that each and every one of you
could break that record.
So shoot for the stars, okay?
All right, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes
will be declared the winner.
On your mark, get set...
Can I have a turkey burger?
No, I have the only one.
I claimed it. Ready?
Turkey is a healthy meat.
I don't eat meat, Michael.
I'm not gonna eat this.
Guys, guys, come on.
Please, let's just... okay.
It's very important that you all try to eat
as many hot dogs as you can.
On your mark, get set,
eat!
Is there any mustard?
No mustard, no mustard.
Just eat it... eat it, Phyllis.
Dip it in the water
so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.
- What is it? - I can't say.
You can't say, or you can't pronounce it?
The winner gets a regional manager's salary
for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling
that they are making a difference in the world.
Can we just take those first two things?
The winner of today gets my job.
Okay?
I'm interviewing for a job at corporate.
And they're only interviewing a handful of people,
and I'm the most qualified, and I'll probably get it.
All right?
You're leaving?
I didn't want to tell anybody.
I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day.
But you know what, I don't know who to recommend,
because, frankly, nobody is stepping up.
I am so hungry!
Do you expect me to believe
that you're truly making your recommendations
on this basis?
Word.
There we go. Let's see it.
I would rather work for an upturned broom
with a bucket for a head
than work for somebody else in this office
besides myself.
Game on.
Four seconds,
three, two, one.
Stop! No eating!
And the winner is Andy Bernard,
- with 14 hot dogs. - Team U.S.A.!
One came up.
13 hot dogs, everybody.
Damn it!
Aw, nobody told me we were gonna nave hot dogs.
What? What are you saying?
- Did you say 'sandwich?' - No.
I was saying that before. Not now.
Now I am saying... Sabotage...
...the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
I knew you were saying 'sabotage.'
I was giving you an example of it.
I will misunderstand everything that Andy says,
until he goes insane.
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug,
stand next to me.
It's very simple, there are only three rules.
You must not touch the ground,
you must not step outside of the ring,
and you must always wear the safety mittens.
- What safety mittens? - We don't have any safety mittens.
I probably left them in the trunk of my car.
It's all right, here we go.
Go get 'em, big boy!
And go!
Come on, Jim!
Rrrrrrrrrrr!
Whoa, what are you doing?
- Come on! - Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Nice, Stanley!
Sorry about that.
It's all about taking points away from Dwight.
Yeah, no, good, okay.
Oh, my God... I have never seen that look
in a man's eyes ever.
I thought that I might die.
On beach day.
- Come on! - Come on!
If either of these guys are put in charge of the office,
I will transfer to Albany.
Gil can come if he wants.
I'm kind of looking for a way out
of that relationship anyway.
I think I might try girls for a while.
Angela thinks I can cross over.
We'll see.
Aah!
One, two, three!
Yeah! Yeah!
Excellent.
Gryffindor!
Gryffindor!
I didn't win.
But the only reason I didn't win is
because I recently learned that it's better
to work things out with words.
That's not why you lost.
Yeah, it is.
I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.
Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, right!
Yeah, right. Come on!
Unh! Unh!
Aah!
How do you like that?!
Oh, God...
Aah! Help!
Help!
Angela... Angela, hey!
Oh, thank God. Go tell somebody.
What, Andy?
Andy, what should I tell them?
Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!
I don't understand what you want from me.
Angela, it's pretty simple.
Look at what I'm doing, and go tell somebody it!
Sorry. Aah...
Bye, Andy.
Angela!
I knew that finding a successor would be difficult.
I did not know that it would be impossible.
Thus far, the candidates have been wildly disappointing.
Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously,
uh, Stanley is having a stroke,
and Andy... where is he?
Where the hell is Andy?
Where is he, Pam?
Do you know?
Who's ahead in points?
I think they're even.
At various times, you gave Jim ten points,
Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up.
And I don't really know how to compare those units.
Well, check to see if there's a conversion chart
in that notebook.
- I really doubt it, Michael. - Please just check.
Great.
Yeah, I'll see you next week.
Thank you.
And here is Karen Filipelli.
Bye.
Hello?
Yeah, hi, David.
Yes, I would like to be considered
for the corporate position in well.
"In well?" As well.
How would that work... in well?
- I just want to know. - Yes, uh-huh.
- Wait a minute... - That would be fine.
This job is in a well.
- I don't want it. - Cut it out!
I don't.
What does a great manager need most of all?
Courage.
How so?
I mean, sure thing, that sounds smart.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm going to sit in the bus.
Your loss, Stanley.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will have a super-fun time
defeating our fear,
and creating a lasting memory...
walking through fire!
Who among you has the guts to replace me?
Let him walk across these coals.
Are you gonna try it?
I'm not gonna walk in the fire
after your disgusting feet have gone through.
Angela, it is a million degrees.
I'm gonna do it.
And I fully expect to burn my feet
and go to the hospital.
That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?
No, no, not you, Pam.
You have to keep score.
- I'd like to try. - Pointless.
- But I'm not kidding. - Okay?
This is about guts.
It takes guts to be a regional manager.
Jim, you're up.
Nope.
Ju... why not? Come on.
Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.
You do not have what it takes
to be a regional manager.
That's harsh.
Who's next?
Andy. Where's Andy?
Andy is never here today.
Hello? Who's there?
My name is Andrew Bernard.
I was with a group called Dunder-Mifflin.
Hello?
Why don't you go, Michael?
Because I already did.
Remember?
I burned my foot on the George Foreman grill.
That is not the same at all.
If you're gonna ask other people to do it,
you should do it yourself.
All right, okay, all right.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Okay.
The mind has to wrap around...
the foot.
Okay.
You're not doing anything.
You want us to count to three?
Yes, count to three, please.
Three, two, one.
Count the other way. Count...
No, no, count one, two, three.
Not three, two, one.
One, two, three.
- Go, Michael. - Do it.
Wait, am I going on "go," or am I going on "three"?
On the go that's after three.
Okay.
One, two, three, go!
No!
It's okay.
I will do this, Michael.
Don't, Dwight.
I will walk and stand on these coals
until you award me the position
of regional manager!
Wow.
- Dwight. - Dwight.
Aaah!
Ow. Get off there.
Get off, get off.
Give me the job!
Give me the job!
I'm not going to give it to you.
Ow, oh!
Don't kneel on the coals!
Michael, do something!
God, that stinks!
Being a boss is also about image.
I've never looked like that.
That was gross.
I just... I don't see the connection
between a fire walk and management.
Worst 75 bucks I ever spent.
You know what?
If I had to pick my replacement
based on today,
it would be Mr. Outside Hire.
Or Mrs. Outside Hire.
Yeah, mm-hmm, true.
Look, I don't...
I don't want to leave this branch the I love
to an outside hire.
Therefore, we're going to have
a 100-point winner take all
sudden death tribal counsel round
to test the aspect of my job
that I think is the most important.
Something I call the Bob Hope factor.
- Who's Bob Hope? - God!
He's a, he's a comedian.
Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Who's Amanda Bynes?
She's from What a Girl Wants.
Oh, I love that movie.
Yes, Kelly is right.
The person to replace me
has to have a great sense of humor.
And they have to possess the leadership qualities
of a Bynes or a Hope.
So without further ado,
Jim and Dwight...
show us what you've got.
Hey, I know what you're looking for,
but I gotta be honest.
I really don't think I should be considered
as your replacement.
You are being too modest.
Michael, on Thursday, I'm gonna drive down
and interview with David for the open position in New York.
Okay, that is not funny.
I am deducting 60 points
from Voldemort
for false pretenses.
Okay, Dwight, your turn. Wow us.
The Aristocrats.
A man and his wife and children
go into the offices of a talent agency.
And the talent agent says, "Describe your act."
And the man says something really, really raunchy.
And the talent representative says,
"What do you call yourselves?"
And the man says, "The Aristocrats."
Ooh, ah!
Whew!
Ho ho!
I mean, truly repulsive acts.
That is a very, very funny story.
Hey, I want to say something.
I've been trying to be more honest lately,
and I just need to say a few things.
I did the coal walk.
Just, I did it.
Michael, you couldn't even do that.
Maybe I should be your boss.
Wow, I feel really good right now.
Why didn't any of you come to my art show?
I invited all of you.
That really sucked.
It's like sometimes some of you act
like I don't even exist.
Jim, I called off my wedding because of you.
And now we're not even friends.
And things are just, like, weird between us,
and that sucks.
And I miss you.
You were my best friend before you went to Stamford.
And I really miss you.
I shouldn't have been with Roy.
There were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding,
but the truth is I didn't care about
any of those reasons until I met you.
And now you're with someone else.
And that's fine.
It's whatever...
that's not what I'm...
I'm not...
Okay, my feet really hurt.
The thing that I'm just trying
to say to you, Jim,
and to everyone else in the circle, I guess,
is that I miss having fun with you.
Just you, not everyone in the circle.
Okay, I am gonna go walk in the water now.
Yeah, it's a good day.
Pam, that was amazing.
But I am still looking for someone
with a sales background.
Wilmaaaaaaaaaa!
Nice.