The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 21 - Women's Appreciation - full transcript

Hey.
Oh, what's this?
That is a demerit.
"Jim Halpert, tardiness."
Ugh.
- I love it already. - You've gotta learn, Jim.
You are second in command,
but that does not put you above the law.
Oh, I understand.
And I also have lots of questions, like,
what does a demerit mean?
Let's put it this way.
You do not want to receive three of those.
Lay it on me.
Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.
Now that sounds serious.
Oh, it is serious.
Five citations
and you're looking at a violation.
Four of those
and you'll receive a verbal warning.
Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning.
Two of those,
that'll land you in a world of hurt...
in the form of a disciplinary review
written up by me
and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Which would be me.
That is correct.
Okay, I want a copy on my desk
by the end of the day or you will receive
a full disadulation.
What's a dis...
what's that?
Oh, you don't want to know.
Hey, Phyllis.
You all right?
I think I just got flashed.
What?
Really?
In the parking lot.
Oh, my God.
Move!
Okay, I'll call the real police.
What happened?
What can I do to help?
I'll check the web.
Thank you.
The police are on it.
They say they've already had three calls.
Can you tell us what happened?
Um...
I was walking to the building
and this man asked me for directions.
And he was holding a map.
And when I walked over,
he had it out...
on the map.
Phyllis. You're a married woman.
The guy was just
hanging brain.
I mean, what's all the fuss?
If that's flashing, then lock me up.
It's just, like, so creepy.
What's happening?
Oh, some guy exposed himself
to Phyllis in the parking lot.
Really?
Is she okay?
Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk
to calm down.
Okay.
Phyllis, you say?
Hmm.
What is so funny?
Um... I mean, did he even see Pam?
Or, uh...
Karen from behind?
I'm guessing not.
I'm sorry.
It's pretty funny when you think about it.
Mm... not really, no.
It's disgusting and demeaning.
Oh, okay.
Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants.
Have you ever been to the circus?
Okay.
He's back!
Okay. Hmm.
Waagh!
Hey, what's going on?
There's a police car in the...
What? Oh.
What's going on?
Oh, Phyllis got flashed.
It's, uh...
I don't think laughing about it's
appropriate response.
Oh, come on... we are laughing at Phyllis,
but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.
I don't think the women in this office...
Incidentally, where were you during all of this?
Maybe you're the flasher.
I was at a parent-teacher conference.
Uh-huh.
Prove it. Let's see your penis.
I...
you know,
as that was coming out of my mouth,
I knew that it was wrong.
In all the excitement,
I forgot that my primary goal
is to keep people safe.
Women can't have fun
if they don't feel safe.
For example, Jan and I have a safe word
in case things go too far.
Foliage.
And if one of us says that word,
the other one has to stop.
Although last time...
she pretended she didn't hear me.
Michael, come over after work tonight, okay?
I miss your body.
I don't know.
I feel...
I drive a lot.
I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls...
I'll give you $200.
And if I get up before you,
I'll leave it on the dresser.
Um, that... I don't know.
That makes me kind of uncomfortable.
$300?
I...uh, well, I don't know.
Whatever.
Just let my assistant know if you're coming over
so he can get more vodka, okay?
Hunter, are you on?
You got it, Jan.
Employees of this office are very small and delicate.
Deserve protection from local pervs.
Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up
than one guilty man roam free.
I am sick over this thing.
Those people out there are clearly afraid.
And that can't happen.
Not in my house. Agreed.
Let me show you what I've been working on.
Okay.
There are several penises there
I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over.
See if we can catch this pervert.
This is the last thing
that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight.
Look at that one.
Dwight, are those your pants?
That's a Polaroid.
Attention, everybody.
Dwight has something he would like to say.
Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis,
a man,
a map, and his penis...
I think you know what I'm referring to...
Michael has authorized me to form
an emergency anti-flashing task force.
Question.
Won't that interfere with your other task forces?
Answer: no, because this is being given priority one.
This is a petition
for the business park to upgrade their security cameras
as well as install two floodlights
in the parking lot.
And I know... I know what you're thinking.
Won't that just shed more light
on the penises?
But that is a risk we have to take.
Pam. You can draw, kind of.
Why don't you work with Phallus
on drawing a picture
of the exposer
that I can post around the community?
Phallus?
Phyllis, sorry.
I've got penises on the brain.
Back to work, everybody.
I don't often miss Roy.
But I can tell you one thing.
I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy.
Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year.
Especially if it had been Jim.
He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's...
Whoo, I am...
I am saying a lot of things.
I didn't really get a good look.
That's okay.
I don't feel like answering phones.
Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out?
"Women will be sent home
"if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch.
"Females are not allowed to speak to strangers
"unless given written authorization
by Dwight Schrute."
- This is ridiculous. - Attention.
I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Dwight, this memo that you distributed
is insulting.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
"Sleeves down to the wrists,
buttoned-up collars, and muted colors."
Nobody dresses like that.
Okay, you know something, Dwight?
We are not the terrorists.
Why don't you just take these women,
put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick?
Because that's what you're doing.
I celebrate these women.
They deserve the right to dress as they please.
If Pam wants to show more cleavage,
she should be able to.
I encourage that.
Look, it's really simple.
We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
See? That's what we're talking about.
Did you hear that, Dwight?
Yes.
Did you hear that, Michael?
No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P... svee... T.
Find out what it means to me.
All right, you know what? That's it.
Conference room, five minutes.
Women's appreciation.
Wait a second, how are you qualified for that?
Oh, I don't know, James.
Did I come from a woman?
Have I slept with a woman?
- More than one? - Mm, less than three.
- That is not current. - You know what?
Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting?
He's a homosexual.
Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Those are collectable action figures
and they're worth more than your car.
You know what? I am the expert.
I will conduct it.
I know the crap out of women.
I, um...
would like to apologize for all of the men
who thought this was a laughing matter.
Are we still discussing this?
I say again, what is the big deal?
Nobody likes to be flashed.
When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party,
I nearly vomited.
I don't remember doing that.
What a surprise.
Okay, no catfights. Please. Let's...
my point is...
my point is...
a penis,
when seen
in the right context,
is the most wonderful sight for a woman.
But in the wrong context,
it is like a monster movie.
Alien. Blagh!
Whether... shut it. Shut. Up.
Okay, so what I want
to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion
about women's problems and issues
and situations.
Magazines and TV shows
and movies portray women
as skinny, tall goddesses.
Well, look around.
Are women like that?
No.
No, they are not.
Even the hot ones
aren't really that skinny.
So what does that say?
That says that you women
are up against it.
And it is criminal.
Society doesn't care.
Society sucks.
I don't even consider myself a part of society.
FYI.
Because I am so angry over all of this.
If it were up to me,
you ladies would be the fashion models.
Yes, Andy.
Then the fashion models could come here
and work with me.
What you're saying
is extremely misogynistic.
Yes. Thank you.
That was not necessary,
but I appreciated it.
And it proves my point.
Women can do anything.
I'm saying that you're being sexist.
No, I'm being misogynistic.
That is insane. I am not being sexist.
That... it's the same thing.
Michael. Yes.
When I got my hair cut short,
you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Because wha...
that was one possible explanation
as to why you got that haircut.
And when we get mad, you always ask us
if we're on our periods.
I have to know whether you're serious or not.
I wish I could menstruate.
If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal
with idiotic calendars anymore.
I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle.
Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Can we just get back to work?
Ye... okay, yes.
- This is not work talk. - You're right.
You're right, you're right. And you know why?
It's because
of where we are.
This is a masculine environment.
We need to find a place where you feel comfortable.
You know where we're gonna go?
The Steamtown Mall.
Frankly, it's kind of insulting.
But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car.
So... I could do that.
Malls are just awful and humiliating.
They're just store after store
of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss
out of an adult shopping in a junior's section.
There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller
who need to wear...
maybe a kids' size 10.
Okay, let's go,
ladies of Dunder-Mifflin.
Hey, we should have a calendar printed up.
Pam, put that in my good idea folder.
Let's go!
Have you finished with the sketch?
Yeah.
Hmm, doesn't seem like the type.
Uh, Phyllis got a good look.
Hmm.
I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere.
You can run, but you cannot hide.
Oh.
Meredith, slow down!
We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.
Thanks. I know how to drive.
Oh, yeah.
You really shouldn't litter.
My car, my rules.
Hey, Jim.
You wanna go in the women's bathroom?
No.
Thank you, though.
You aren't curious?
Not really.
I've seen a bathroom before.
Yeah, but...
it's every guy's fantasy.
I think you mean a girl's locker room.
And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it.
Yeah.
I'm going in.
Go crazy.
Oh... my... God.
I really appreciate your letting me work
alongside you so closely today.
Of course you do, moon face.
That's because you're a preppy freak,
you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you.
So start hanging these all around the building.
This guy looks like a real deviant.
No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him.
Start hanging those.
Aye, aye, Cap'n.
More like, "Aye, aye, General."
I don't think she's gonna make it.
Don't think she's gonna make it...
It's a little too tight.
I'm gonna find another spot.
Many women are competent drivers.
This is what we know.
Well, I stand corrected.
This is pretty cool.
Yes.
Hey, uh...
where'd you decide to take Karen tonight?
Anna Maria's.
What's the occasion?
Six-month anniversary.
What?
Nothing... I think, uh, we all kinda thought
you guys were just, like, hooking up.
No, we've been dating for six months.
Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote
a while back, um...
Oh, right.
I remember that one. She read it to me.
She said...
she's not really ready to date somebody in the office,
but she really likes you as a friend.
I figured.
It's cool.
I don't... I wouldn't want to be
in an office relationship anyway.
All right.
Hope nobody's on a diet.
- Thanks, Michael. - You're welcome.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
Okay.
So, let's dish.
What do you want to dish about?
Anything you guys want. This is your time.
Mm. What is a Pap smear?
Or is it "shmear?"
Like the cream cheese.
Okay. New topic.
Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Awesome.
Um, awful, I mean.
But, uh, sometimes awesome.
What, um...
what do you think of role-play?
Oh, it can be fun.
Yeah?
Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
It's a pretty common one.
I just...
I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Okay.
I'm gonna be at the doll store.
Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy.
So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store
and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
Michael, you shouldn't do anything
that you're uncomfortable with.
Jan says anything that doesn't scare us
is not worth doing.
I don't know.
Maybe we're different people.
I like cuddling
and spooning
and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Oh, my God.
And then watching it back right afterward
to improve my form.
That is not healthy behavior.
No, it's not that bad.
The worst part is that she shows it
to her therapist and they discuss it.
Michael, you need to get out of this.
No, she's...
she's fooling around.
It's a woman thing.
No, normal women don't do stuff like that.
This is bad.
No...
No, it's all right. I'm okay.
I'm okay.
You guys...
what am I gonna do about Jan?
Done.
Read the pros first.
Okay. Jan is smart.
Uh, successful.
Good clothes. Hot.
Perfect skin.
Nice butt.
She does have very nice clothes.
Okay, okay. Um, cons.
Cons.
Wears too much makeup.
Breasts: not anything to write home about.
Insecure about body.
I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Flat-chested.
What was the last one?
She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
No, the one before that.
I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Michael...
you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
I'm happy sometimes.
Um...
when we scrapbook
or right towards the end of having sex.
Look, most relationships
have their rough patches.
You just have to push through it sometimes.
- Yeah, that's smart. - Maybe.
But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
That sounds good too.
I don't know who's right.
I just don't... I don't know. I don't know.
I bet you know.
Don't think, just answer.
What do you want to do about Jan?
I wanna break up with Jan.
Wow.
I wanna break up with Jan.
My mom taught me that.
Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.
No one said it has no calories.
Oh, hey, guys.
I want to do something nice for you,
because you did something so nice for me earlier.
I want you to go in there.
I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you.
Come on. Get in here.
Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages.
They're cavemen.
And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage
and to be wearing 8-inch heels,
and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants.
But...
for me, a woman looks best
when she is just absolutely naked.
This is so great, huh?
We should do this much more often.
I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.
What are you doing in here? This is the women's room.
You're in here.
I pay for that privilege.
Okay.
I'm a pretty normal guy.
I do one weird thing.
I like to go in the women's room
for number two.
I've been caught several times
and I have paid dearly.
Mm.
You don't want anything?
My treat.
Some panties or...
pick a thong or...
G-string.
T-back.
Get a nice bra.
Padded bra.
See-through, push-up, lace?
Thigh-high? Bustier?
Any... it just...
you know what, I would love to buy you
a fresh set of underwear.
Phyllis.
What do you think? Too much?
Jim's gonna love it.
I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now.
So I don't need anything sexy.
But I do need some new hand towels.
I figure I can cut up this robe.
Slower.
Slower.
Meredith.
- Slow it up. - Oh.
Oh, no.
It's Jan.
What do I do?
- Answer it. - Don't answer it.
Okay, it stopped.
Crap.
Whoa.
That is pretty cool.
Michael, you know how to, um...
change a wheel, right?
Uh, yeah.
Yep. Um...
Could somebody grab me the lever,
and I will...
Here, uh... Meredith?
Why don't you put your hazards on.
Yeah, get your hazards on for safety.
Let's see.
There we go!
Good.
Yes, we have the...
all right.
I think I've got it.
Do you have a... a crescent?
A crescent Allan?
I don't think we really need that, Michael.
Uh... you know what?
I'm going to... you take care of that.
I'm gonna do traffic...
detail.
You know, I changed a tire today.
All by myself.
This bathrobe's already coming in handy.
Coming!
Think we'll find him?
Yeah, I do.
'Cause justice never rests.
Halvsies?
No. Wholesies.
Listen, man, I really appreciate
you letting me shadow you today.
I feel like I learned a lot. Natch.
Yep.
If you don't mind,
I think I'll hang up some of these posters
around my neighborhood.
Schools, post office, et cetera.
You know,
I may have underestimated you.
You're not a total ass.
Okay, I am really going to do this.
Good luck, Michael.
You know what? I need my girls with me.
Pam, Karen, even Phyllis.
Come on. Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Okay, remember, be strong.
I love you guys.
Now I'm getting her voice-mail.
Don't leave a...
Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael.
I'm just calling to say
that I think we need a little break, permanently.
And, uh, I know everybody says this,
but I-I wanna remain friends.
Or at least business associates
who get along.
Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you.
Okay, buddy.
Somebody just walked in.
I have to go.
Um, so I'll talk to you later.
Michael...
I was, um...
I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier.
And I...
I just... I couldn't stop thinking about it.
So I decided that I would drive down here
and apologize to you in person.
So...
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
So...
we're good?
Abso-fruit-ly.
Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry.
No... no...
One second.
Oh! It's from you.
Uh, you wanna grab some dinner?
It's me, Michael. Okay.
I'm just calling to say that I think
we need a little break, permanently.
And, uh, I know everybody says this,
but I want...
Maybe some Italian.
Or at least business associates...
Chinese?
Oh, just so you know,
it's not me, it's you.
Okay, buddy.
Oh.
Any man who says he totally understands women
is a fool.
Because they are un-understandable.
There's a wishing fountain at the mall.
And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world
and made a wish.
I wished for Jan to get over me.
I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV.
I wished for Pam to gain courage.
I wished for Angela, a heart,
and for Kelly, a brain.
"Michael, how can you appreciate women so much
but also dump one of them?"
You mean, how can I be so illogical
and flighty and unpredictable
and emotional?
Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
Dunder-Mifflin paper/ sex predator hotline,
this is Dwight Schrute.
Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.
Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.
No, you're not.
I'm looking right at you.
Ugh. I'm hanging up.
Don't.
I have information
about the sex predator.
You have information about the sex predator?
I saw him two minutes ago.
Where?
In the women's bathroom, above the sink.
Anti-flashing task force!
Above the sink.
Above the sink.
Hmm.
Pam!