The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - Gay Witch Hunt - full transcript

Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore.

I got Jim's, uh, old job.

Which means, at my ten-year
high school reunion,

it will not say,
"Ryan Howard is a temp."

It will say, "Ryan Howard
is a junior sales associate

at a mid-range
paper supply firm."

That'll show 'em.

You have no idea

how long I've wanted to do that.

Me too.

I think we're just drunk.



No, I'm not drunk.

Are you drunk?

No.

Jim.

You're really gonna marry him?

Okay.

Jim is gone.

He's gone.
I miss him so much.

Oh, I cry myself to sleep.
Jim.

False.
I do not miss him.

No, that is the fun
of this place.

I call everybody "faggy."

Why would anyone
find that offensive?

Okay, I think Oscar would
just like if you used "lame"



or something like that.

That's what "faggy" means!

No, not really.

Apparently you
called Oscar faggy.

Yeah.

For liking the movie
Shakespeare in Love

more than an action movie.

It wasn't just an action movie,
it was Die Hard.

All right, Michael,
but Oscar's really gay.

- Exactly.
- I mean for real.

Yeah, I know.

No, he's attracted to other men.

Okay, little too far.
Crossed the line.

Okay, I am telling you,
Oscar is an actual homosexual.

He told me this morning.

And obviously he hopes he can
count on your discretion.

I would've never called him that
if I knew.

You don't...

you don't call
retarded people retards.

It's bad taste.

You call your friends retards
when they're acting retarded.

And I consider Oscar a friend.

Listen, man, I am so sorry.

I had no idea.

Oh, it's fine.

It's okay, it's okay.
No, no, it's not.

I just...
I feel terrible about it.

I...

I have been calling people faggy

since I was in junior high,

and I have never
made this mistake.

If I don't know how to behave,

it is because I am
just so far the opposite way.

You know?
I'm just...

I-I can't even imagine...
the... thing.

Maybe we could go out
for a beer sometime,

and you could tell me...

how you do that to another dude.

That sounds like
a great, wonderful idea.

Let's do that.

It explains so much.

No, I'm not gay.

And I don't understand

why anyone would think
that I'm gay if...

Uh...

Yeah, I'm gay.

I can't say whether
Dunder Mifflin paper

is less flammable, sir,
but I can assure you

that it is certainly
not more flammable.

Why did I transfer to Stamford?

I...think that's
pretty obvious.

I got promoted.

And you can't beat that view.

Right?

Hey, Big Tuna.

You're single, right?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am.

Pretty hot, huh?

She's completely crazy.

Steer clear, Big Tuna.

Head for open waters.

Okay.

Okay.

I ate a tuna sandwich
on my first day,

so Andy started calling me
Big Tuna.

I don't think any of them
actually know my real name.

Big Tuna is a super ambitious
guy, you know?

Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead
type of guy.

But, I mean,
I'm not threatened by him.

I went to Cornell.

You ever heard of it?

I graduated in four years,
I never studied once,

I was drunk the whole time,

and I sang in
the a cappella group,

"Here Comes Treble."

So, end of day,
we are going to have

a little diversity
policy freshener,

because of some more problems
at the Scranton branch.

And I have a list
of business startups

I got from the Chamber.

Yes.

I am going to need someone
to cold call them.

Oh, I can do that.

Jim's nice enough.

I don't... I don't know
how well he's fitting in here.

He's always looking
at the camera like this.

What is that?

Can you tell who's gay
and who's not?

Of course.

What about Oscar?

Absolutely not.

Well, he is.

Well, he's not dressed
in women's clothes, so...

There could be others.

I need to know.

I don't want to offend
anybody else.

You could assume everyone is,

and not say anything offensive.

Yeah.

I'm sure everyone
would appreciate

me treating them
like they were gay.

Hey, what about Angela?

She's hard and severe.

She could be a gay woman.

I really don't think so.

I don't know.

I can imagine her
with another woman.

Can't you?

Do some research.

Find out if there's
a way to tell

by just looking at 'em.

Jim told me you could
buy gaydar online.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, probably.

He didn't tell the truth a lot.

Let's call him
and get the website.

Definitely.

What's gaydar?

Oh, oh, gaydar, yes!

No, uh, I think they have it
at Sharper Image.

Oh, you know what?
I can check for you.

No problem.

It's sold out.

Yeah, sorry about that.
That's a bummer.

Well, they're sold out.

Damn.

I'll try Brookstone.

I miss that.

Chicken or fish?

Uh... chicken.

So, you, uh, having a good day?

Excellent.
Thanks.

Good.
I'm glad.

Okay.

Yeah, I didn't go through
with the wedding.

I got cold feet
a few days before,

and...
I can't really explain it.

I just had to get out
of that relationship.

We still had to pay
for all the food.

So we froze it.

But I'm... I'm doing well.

I have my own apartment,

and I'm taking art classes,

and I have lunch
for the next five weeks.

After Pam dumped me, I, um...

I kinda stopped taking care
of myself for a while there,

and, uh...

I hit bottom when, uh...

I had a drunk driving arrest.

I've been working out,
and, um...

you know, I'm not
gonna take her for granted.

I gotta win her back.

I got them a toaster.

They called off the wedding
and gave the toaster back to me.

I tried to return the toaster
to the store,

and they said they no longer
sold that kind of toaster.

So now my house
has got two toasters.

It is so cool that you're gay.

I totally underestimated you.

Yes, I am super cool.

I am an accountant

at a failing
paper supply company.

In Scranton.

Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.

Sure, sometimes I watch
Will & Grace.

And I want to throw up.

It's terribly loud.

I do like it sometimes,
when Harry Connick Jr. is on.

He's so talented.

Okay.

Who put my calculator
in Jell-O?

Good one.

But, uh, seriously.

Guys, who did this?

Seriously, guys.

Who did this?

I need to know

who put my calculator
in Jell-O

or I'm gonna lose
my freakin' mind!

You know, it's amazing to me
that in this day and age,

you could be so... obtuse

about sexual orientation.

I watch The L Word, okay?

Good, good.

I watch Queer as.

So... That's not
what it's called.

Okay, Michael,

are you aware
that you outed Oscar today?

What?
What does that even...

Coming out
is a significant moment

for a gay person.

And they should be allowed

to select the timing
and manner of announcing it.

Well, gay pride, right?

Gay pride parade?

It's not like...
Gay Shame Festival.

All right, now Oscar's feeling
discriminated against

by his coworkers,
primarily Angela,

and, um...

That's your fault.

I think Angela might be gay.

Could Oscar and Angela

be having a gay affair?

No...
Maybe.

Is that what this is about? No.

I don't...

No.
It's not possible.

Anything's possible.

Okay, you know, imagine...
you were gay.

Well, I'm not gay, Jan,

and you should know that
better than anybody.

Michael.
Hmm?

Your immaturity
is extremely disappointing

and may even lead to a lawsuit,

which is the absolute
last thing this company needs

right now, do you understand?

I know.

The company has made it
my responsibility today

to put an end to 100,000 years

of being weirded out by gays.

Am I the first gay man
you ever knew?

Trick question.

Because you can't always tell,

so how would I know?

Was that the right answer?

Yep?
Michael...

Dwight's looking at gay
pornography on his computer.

Uh, Michael knows, Pam.

Okay, he asked me to do this
just for him.

He has his own reasons.

Phew, okay.

Nothing wrong with this stuff.

At all.
This is fine.

You know what?

Gay porn, straight porn,
it's all good.

I don't particularly
get into this,

but, uh...

You know what?

I totally see the merit.

And, actually...

It is quite beautiful.

Oh, damn popups.
What are you doing?

Watching some of your friends.

This is stupid.

Excuse me.
Don't touch me.

Help! Ow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa.
Stop it.

All right, everybody
in the conference room.

I don't care

if you are gay or straight
or a lesbian, or overweight.

Just get in here!
Right now!

Did you know that "gay"

used to mean "happy"?

When I was growing up,
it meant "lame."

And now, it means a man

who makes love to other men.

We're all homos.

Homo sapiens.

Gays aren't necessarily
who you think they are, people.

What?

I mean, anybody can be gay.

Businessmen.

Like antique dealers,

or hairdressers,

or... accountants.

Oscar, why don't you

take this opportunity
to officially come out

to everybody here,

however you want to do it.

Go ahead.

Stand up.

I'm doing this for you.

Yes, I'm gay.

And...

I didn't plan on sharing
that part of my life

with you today, so...
whatever.

Can I sit down now?

I am not offended
by homosexuality.

In the '60s, I made love
to many, many women.

Often outdoors.

In the mud and the rain.

And it's possible
a man slipped in.

There would be no way
of knowing.

Who should be
the judges and juries

of our society?

Judges and juries.

Yes, that's a good point.
She has a good point.

Because gay marriage, currently,

is not legal
under U.S. law.

I bet a lot of straight men

wish that applied to them.

So they could go out there
and have some

torrid, unabashed, monkey sex.

As much as they could.

You know,
sounds pretty good, right?

That sounds great.

Yeah, Dwight?

I think all
the other office gays

should identify themselves,
or I will do it for them.

No one else in this office
is gay.

What about Phyllis?

She makes absolutely
no attempt to be feminine.

I'm getting married
to Bob Vance.

You are?

Congratulations.

When did you get that?

That's great.

Congratulations, Phyllis.
That is great.

And frankly, kind of amazing.

See? Everybody has a chance.

Thank you.
But still,

Phyllis...

In college,

did you ever experiment
with other women?

A lot of women do.

No, and you knew me
in high school.

Of course, we all thought
you were gay in high school.

Right.

Ha, ha!

And I take that as a compliment.

Well, with your ties
and your matching socks...

Well, I just liked
to look good, okay, so...

You sound pretty defensive,
Michael.

No, I am just

coming out myself.

I am coming out hetero.

I think the problem
with this office

is that you
are sending mixed signals

about my being here.

No, no. No.

The only signal
that I am sending is,

"Gay good."

Look, if I was gay,

I would be the most flamboyant
gay you've ever seen.

I would be leading the parade
covered in feathers,

and just...

I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

I don't think
I can work here any longer.

This has been the worst,
most backwards day of my life.

You misunderstand... okay.
All right.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bop.

You know what?
Okay. Okay.

I, uh... I'm gonna put my money
where my mouth is.

You ready?

What are you doing?

I am going to embrace Oscar.

You might want
to watch this, Angela,

because you can't
catch anything.

- Here we go.
- No.

We are going
to make a statement.

You and I are going
to make a statement together.

Oscar is my friend.
I'd rather not.

And I just don't care
who sees it.

Doesn't bother me.

I really would... would...
I'd really rather not.

Come here, friend.
You're my friend.

No, no!

I don't want to touch you.

Ever considered that?

You're ignorant.

And insulting.
And small.

Okay.

All right.

Um...

I'm sorry, Michael.

Michael.
I'm sorry.

That was a good idea.

Come on.

Come on.

All right.

I'm sorry
I called you "faggy."

I know, I know. I know you are.
You're not faggy.

- You're a good guy.
- You too.

Michael appears to be gay too.

And yet, he is my friend.

I guess I do have a gay friend.

You know what?
I'm gonna raise the stakes.

You don't...
really don't...

I want you to watch this.

And I want you to burn this
into your brains.

- I don't think we need to...
- Because this is an image

that I want you people
to remember.

For a long time to come.

Whenever you come
into the office,

I want you to think about this.

We don't need to...

Yes, we do.
What?

I did it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

See?

I'm still here.

We're all still here.

Oh, come on, Dwight!

Come on, man!

We are not
in the playground anymore.

There are new rules.

We have to be mature,
but we can't lose the spirit

of childlike wonder.

What is love, anyway?

Maybe it's supposed
to break all the rules.

Like me and Jan.

Or Oscar and some guy.

Life is short.

When two people find each other,

what should stand in their way?

It is very easy for you
to be a hero.

All you need are honesty,
empathy, respect,

and open-mindedness.

I'm glad today spurred
social change.

That's part of my job
as regional manager.

But you know what,
even if it didn't,

at least we put this matter
to bed.

That's what she said.

Or he said.

Oh, there's Gil,
Oscar's roommate.

I wonder if he knows.

I was going to quit,
but Jan offered me

a three-month paid vacation
and a company car.

All I had to do was sign
something saying I won't sue.

Gil and I are going to Europe.

Kids, sometimes
it pays to be gay.

"I hope this helps.

Jim."

Nice.

What are you doing?
Shh.

Don't be scared.

It works.

Oh, no.