The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 22 - Casino Night - full transcript

Tonight the Scranton Business
Park is having Casino Night

and we are converting
our warehouse

into a full-blown
gambling hall.

And I know it's illegal
in Pennsylvania,

but it's for charity.

And I consider myself
a great philanderer.

It's just... It's nice to
know, at the end of the day,

I can look in the mirror
and say,

"Michael, because of you,
some little kid in the Congo

"has a belly full of rice
this evening. "

Makes you feel good.



Excuse me. How long is the
wait for a table for two?

I would never,
ever serve you.

Not in a million,
billion years.

It's a nice tux.

I know. It belonged
to my grandfather.

He was buried in it,
so family heirloom.

So, what's the deal? We
gotta pay for our own drinks?

That's lame.
Come on, it'll be fun,

and besides,
I'm a roulette expert.

Impossible. Roulette
is not a game of skill,

it is a game of chance.

I can always kind of
win at roulette.

Oh, really?

Mmm-hmm.



Yeah.
How would you do that?

Mind control.

You can't be serious.

Are you serious?

Ever since I was a little kid,
like, eight or nine,

I could sort of
control things with my mind.

I don't believe you. Continue.

It was just little things,
you know,

like I could make
something shake

or I could make a marble
fall off the counter.

You know, just little things.

That's ridiculous.
You know what?

Uh...

Why don't you move
that coat rack?

Excuse me, everyone!

Attention
in the office, please.

Jim is about to prove
his telekinetic powers

and he needs absolute silence.

Go ahead.

Okay, I'll try.

Oh, my God.

I try not to think of it
as lagging behind.

It's more of a David-and-Goliath
thing. Yeah, but...

Well, the fact
of the matter is

that your branch
is currently number four

of the five branches
that I oversee.

Top 80%!

Michael?
Yeah?

You know that I'm
very serious here.

Jan, listen, I promise that I
will kick it up a notch. Bam!

What?

Emeril. Oh, actually,
while I have you,

not that I have you
or have ever had you,

but we're having
our Casino Night tonight

and I think everyone would love
to see their fearless leader here.

I thought that you were
their fearless leader.

I am, but you are the Eva
Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

I think you can handle it.

Oh, come on. Come on.
I think so, Michael...

You know, it'd be fun.

I can hear it in your voice.
You need a break.

Goodbye, Michael.

Jan and I understand
each other.

The romance thing is sort of
on hold for the time being,

but we've remained
good friends.

Good friends
with privileges.

Not now, some day.

Okay, everybody.

Tonight's event is to benefit
the Boy Scouts of America.

Again. We do that every year.

Well, they need our money.

They don't have cookies
like the Girl Scouts.

It'd be nice to do something for
people who are actually suffering.

Well, Oscar,
if you don't like it,

then you should
concentrate on winning.

Because the person at the end of the
evening with the highest chip count

will receive $500 to donate
to the charity of their choice.

And they will get
a mini-fridge,

compliments
of Vance Refrigeration.

Yes.
So,

get your charities in to Pam.

I, for example,
am playing for Comic Relief.

That doesn't exist anymore.

Comedy's very much alive,
as are homeless people.

No, they stopped
making that show.

Well, then, they need
our money more than ever.

You have to pick an approved,
non-profit organization.

There's a great soup kitchen
in downtown Scranton.

Delicious pea soup
on Thursdays.

I'll probably
give the money to them.

Something with animals.

Or people.

Kobe Bryant has a foundation,
and he is so hot.

And he gave his wife
the biggest diamond ring.

I know he didn't do it.

Maybe he did it.

We are giving money
that has been gambled.

Why don't we just deal drugs
or prostitute ourselves,

and donate that money
to charity?

Oh, and another fun thing.

We, at the end of the night,

are going to give the check

to an actual group
of Boy Scouts.

Right, Toby? We're gonna...

Actually, I didn't think it was
appropriate to invite children

since it's... You know,
there's gambling and alcohol,

and it's in
our dangerous warehouse

and it's a school night...

And, you know, Hooters is
catering. You know, is that enough?

Should I keep going?

Why are you
the way that you are?

Honestly, every time I try to
do something fun or exciting,

you make it not that way.

I hate

so much about the things
that you choose to be.

Okay, you know what?

I will not donate my winnings
to Comic Relief,

since apparently
it doesn't exist.

I am going to donate
to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

I think you mean
the aid to Afghanistan.

No, I mean
Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Afghani.

What?
Afghani.

That's a dog.
No, that's Afghan.

That's a shawl.

Wait, canine AIDS?
No.

Humans with AIDS.
Who has AIDS?

Guys, the Afghanistananies.

Okay, you know what? No. No.

AIDS is not funny.

Believe me, I have tried.

There are certain topics that
are off-limits to comedians,

JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust.

The Lincoln Assassination
just recently became funny.

I need to see this play

like I need
a hole in the head.

And I hope to someday
live in a world

where a person could tell
a hilarious AIDS joke.

It's one of my dreams.

What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.

"Till Death Do Us Rock. "

They're wedding bands.
Oh.

Roy was supposed to
pick the band,

but he's concentrating more
on the bachelor party now.

Wait, wait, where you going?

I mean, even if you
don't hire a band,

you still have to
watch the bands.

Pam, these are people who have
never given up on their dreams.

I have great respect for that.

And, yes, they're all
probably very bad

and that will make me feel
better about not having dreams.

There's a KISS
cover band in here.

Let's do it.

I'm pretty happy these days.

I'm getting married soon and I'm
getting along with everybody at work.

Why did I talk to Jan
about transferring?

Well, you know.

I have no future here.

I have already
put down the deposit.

Do you understand
how a deposit works?

Mike, I am not having
fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.

It's Casino Night
like Las Vegas.

There are fire-eaters
all over the place.

Except my warehouse.

Well, actually,
it's my warehouse.

Actually, it's owned
by Beakman Properties,

and Dunder Mifflin is four
years into a seven-year lease.

Why are you here?

When Darryl was coming, you said
you wanted me here for protection.

Not.

I said, not that.

We just have a lot of stuff
down there that could be stolen.

That's ironic.
What?

That you are afraid.

Why? 'Cause I'm
from the hood?

Dinkin flicka.

Dinkin flicka.

I taught Mike some phrases

to help with his interracial
conversations.

You know, stuff like,
"Fleece it out. "

"Going mach five. "
"Dinkin flicka. "

You know, things
us Negroes say.

Give me some.

Oh, yeah, I taught him
a handshake, too.

Wow.

I don't know how
you're gonna decide.

They are all extremely good.

I think I should
hire them all.

Do like Lollapalooza.
Yes.

Have three stages, yeah.

Your mom would love that.

She would.

Oh, this band is called
Scrantonicity. Oh.

Let's take a look.

Nice.
Oh, wait.

That's Kevin.

On the drums.
What?

On the drums! On the drums!

Oh, my God, that's Kevin!

Great song, Kev.

Oh, my God, he's the
drummer and the singer.

We really don't do
a lot of weddings.

We actually don't play
in public very often.

We are all really hoping
that Pam's wedding works out.

This could be
a turning point for the band.

Wow. Oh!
Oh, my...

Yeah, you haven't
seen that since 1983.

That is amazing.

Okay, we have to sign him.

I'm gonna call the label,
we're gonna... No! No!

No, Pam, you're gonna
loose him to another wedding.

No, come back! No, no, no!

Kev!

Jim is great.

Being with him just takes away all
the stress of planning my wedding.

Yes?
Michael, Carol Stills for you.

Who?
Carol Stills.

Do I know a Carol Stills?
Your realtor.

Oh, yeah, put her through.

Hey, Carol, how goes the real
estate biz? Is it real good?

It's still me.

Sometimes I don't put
Michael through

until he's already
said something.

I look at it as
a practice run for him.

He usually does better
on the second attempt.

Carol, you're on with Michael.

Hello, Michael?
Hi, Carol. How you doing?

I'm great. I just needed one last
signature for your mortgage insurance.

Oh, hey, no problemo.

Incidentally,
I love the place.

Oh, great.
Great.

It has a little bit
of a weird smell. It's okay.

At Christmas, the tree helped.

Oh, good, I'm glad.

Can I drop it over later?

Actually, I'm sort of hosting
this charity thing

in our warehouse,
Casino Night.

Oh, great.
Yeah, it'll be good.

You know what?
Why don't you come by?

Bring the papers,
I'll sign them

and then you can stay
and have a drink.

To the casino thing?
Yeah.

It'll be fun. What do you...

What do you...
What?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Could you hold on?

Yes? Michael, Jan's on line two.

Okay, put her through.

Jan Levinson, I presume?

It's still me.

Jan, here's Michael.

Michael?
Hey, Jan. How you doing?

You know, I...
I thought about it

and you are right.

I am?
I could use a little fun.

So, I am going to drive up
for your Casino Night.

Oh, okay.

Incidentally, what is the charity? AIDS.

Okay, then.
I will see you tonight.

Okay, sounds great.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Hello, Carol?
Hi, sorry about that.

I just...
No problemo.

Right.

To answer your question.
Yeah?

Yes.

What?
I'd love to go.

Okay.

I have to get a sitter, but
that shouldn't be a problem.

Problem. Good.

And I'll bring the papers,
too. Good. All right.

Sounds great.
I'll see you tonight.

Bye.
Bye.

Two queens on Casino Night.

I am going to drop
a deuce on everybody.

Oh, my God!
Yeah!

That's great.

Hey, hey.
Hi.

Hey, Carol.
Hi.

You look great. Thanks.
Thank you for inviting me.

It looks so great in here.
Oh, well... Kiss.

That's how we do it
in the paper biz.

It's European and... Yes?

Dwight.

Code name RelMax is here.

No sign of Lan Jevinson.

I'm Michael's wingman.
I've got his back. Two dates.

He's got two dates tonight.

My job is to keep Jan away
from Carol and vice versa.

Michael said,
"We must deceive them,

"so as not to hurt them, and
in that way, we honor them. "

Can I get you a drink?

The food is from Hooters.

Drink would be good.
Okay.

Oh, I steal things
all the time.

It's just something I do.

I stopped caring
a long time ago.

You should see
how many supplies

I've taken from this place.

Honestly, I love
stealing things.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Do you need anything?

No, I'm fine. Thanks, sweetheart. Okay.

Billy, your nurse is hot.

That's my girlfriend.

Your nurse became
your girlfriend? Sweet.

She was never my nurse. I met her
at Chili's. She was my waitress.

Chili's is great.

And welcome to Monte Carlo!

Dwight.

I am no longer your boss.

Lady Fortune is your boss.

Will Lady Fortune
give me a raise?

Shut it, shut it, shut it.

Will Lady Fortune
be your mistress?

Only time will tell,
my friends.

Leave all your preconceived
notions about casinos at the door.

Old friends, new lovers,

and the disabled,
welcome, all.

Great, okay.

Shuffle up and deal.
Let's get it started.

Black-Eyed Crows.

Okay, the game is
No-Limit Texas Hold'em.

Good luck, everybody.

That's at least
four red chips to you, sir.

All-in.

Bluffing is a key part of
poker, which is too bad,

because I'm not
very good at bluffing.

Did you believe me?

I'll call.

What are...

That's insane.
I have good cards.

Well, Toby, I went all-in
on the first hand,

so doesn't that tell you that
I might have good cards, too?

So, don't be stupid.
Just take it back.

No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's
gone all-in. Okay, all right, whatever.

Flip them.

You really screwed that up.

Wow.

I don't really play cards,
but I'm not gonna lie to you.

It felt really good
to take money from Michael.

Gonna chase that feeling.

He asked the man a question.

I expect to do
very well tonight.

I have an acute ability
to read people.

Jim, for instance,
has a huge tell.

When he gets a good hand,
he coughs.

I will raise.

Thanks.

It's the weirdest thing.
Every time I cough, he folds.

Wow, bad luck.
Yeah, whatever.

Hey, you know what?
If luck weren't involved,

I would always be winning.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Michael?

Jan.
Hi.

Look, okay, I think
we're all adults here,

and it has always been
my understanding

that we have
an open relationship.

What are you... Just...

Wait, what're you
talking about?

What does that mean?

After you said you weren't
coming, I invited Carol to come

and I don't think
that I did anything wrong.

No.

No, you didn't.
Hi, I'm Jan.

I'm Michael's boss.
Hi, hi.

Does anyone want a drink?
No, I'm good.

Okay.

Um...

Hey, hey.
Hey. What...

Jan's here.

Give me the dice.
Come on, Dwight.

Let's go.
It's all on you, baby.

Let's go.

Good evening, Dwight.
What is this?

Evening, Angela.
This is craps.

I need to roll an eight.
If I do, everyone wins.

Yes.
Then roll an eight.

All right.

Thank you, Angela.
Good luck, Dwight.

Yeah! Yeah!

That's good stuff.

Dwight, let's keep it going.
Let's keep it going.

Let's go. Let it ride. Let it all ride.

Give me the dice!

Yeah, right.

"Yeah, right," what?
What was this?

I have good cards.
Really?

And I'm gonna take you all-in. Wow.

I think you're bluffing.

Yeah, I think
she's full of it.

Straight.
Oh.

Three nines.
Pam.

Jim Halpert,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.
It was fun.

Cosmopolitan, please.

Can I get a red wine?

So, two hours?
That's a long drive.

Well, it's part of the job,
you know?

Keep an eye on things. So...

Why not?

So, how long have you
and Michael been...

Oh, well, actually, I guess
this would be our first date.

I guess. Casino Night in the warehouse.

Good sport.

Well, I'm having a
nice time. Oh, me, too.

Me, too.

One beer
and one Seven and Seven

with eight
maraschino cherries,

sugar on the rim,
blended if you can.

So, that's still going
on, huh? You and Kelly?

All right! The point is
four. Shooter, roll it. Four!

Come on, shooter!
Four!

Shooter!
Blow.

Blow for luck! Yeah!
Shooter!

Also, you.
Not playing favorites.

All right, here we go!

All right.
Yeah!

Five.
So close.

Well...
So close.

Come on.

So, where you staying?
Radisson?

What?
Super 8?

No, I...
Motel 6? Best Western?

I didn't... I don't know...
Holiday Inn?

The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre?

You staying with Michael?
All right!

I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit
Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament

at the World Series
of Poker in Vegas.

So, yeah...

I'm pretty good at poker.

All-in.

Okay, let's do it.

Good luck, honey.
Oh, thank you, Bobby.

But it doesn't matter,
it's just fun to play.

Three queens.
Nice, very nice.

I have an ace.
No, that's a flush.

Oh, man!

Oh, I have a flush!
Yes!

Look, I won. Look,
I have all the clovers.

You wanna play again?

I suck.

She took you down, huh?

I do not want
to talk about it.

Hey, I saw your tape.

Your band, Scrantonicity?
You guys rock.

Yeah?

Yeah, you guys
wanna play our wedding?

Awesome. Did Pam
say it was okay?

Whatever.
I'm in charge of the music.

Dude, you will not be sorry.

Sweet.

All right.
All right.

Smoke?
No, thanks.

You having fun?

Fabulous time.

I drove two and half hours
to get here.

Yeah, we all really... Left
work early, drove down here.

And I am completely
underdressed.

Well, I think
you look great.

Why did I hook up
with Michael?

Yeah, why did you?

It was very late, Jim. Very...

Very late and...

Have you given any more
thought to the transfer?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Have you told anyone?

No.
Well, you should.

Excuse me.

Big moment.

The evening's chip leader

and winner of this beautiful
mini-refrigerator

courtesy of
Vance Refrigeration,

Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin.

Thanks. I never
owned a refrigerator.

Sorry, babe. I am just beat.

It's okay.

I'll see you at home.
Okay.

Hey, don't try to lose
too much money, all right?

Okay. If you still want a honeymoon.

Hey, Halpert.

Keep an eye on her, all
right? Okay, will do.

See you.
Bye!

Hey.
Hey, how's it going?

Good, especially after I
took all your money in poker.

Yeah.

Hey, can I talk to you
about something?

About when you want to
give me more of your money?

No, I...
Did you wanna do that now?

We can go inside.

I'm feeling
kind of good tonight.

I was just...

I'm in love with you.

What?

I'm really sorry if that's
weird for you to hear,

but I needed you
to hear it.

Probably not good timing,
I know that. I just...

What are you doing?

What do you expect me
to say to that?

I just needed you to know.

Once.

Well, I...

I...

I can't.

Yeah.

You have no idea...
Don't do that.

...what your friendship
means to me.

Come on. I don't
wanna do that.

I wanna be more than that.

I can't.

I'm really sorry

if you misinterpreted things.

It's probably my fault.

Not your fault.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted
our friendship.

Hey.

I'm leaving.
Hey, okay.

So, I just wanted to congratulate
you on a fantastic evening.

You did the company proud.
Thank you.

And thanks for inviting me.
You were right, I needed it.

So, thanks.
Okay. Thanks for coming.

Nice to meet you.
You, too.

And you guys have a
good time together. Okay.

Talk to you Monday.
Yeah.

Goodbye.
Good night.

She's a good boss.

She seems really nice.
Oh, she's great.

Love triangle. Drama.

All worked out
in the end, though.

The hero got the girl.

Who saw that coming? I did.

And Jan was really
happy for me.

So, actually,
the hero got two girls.

He got the girl
that he works with

and he got the girl
that he buys real estate from.

So, I've got my New York girl
and my local flavor.

Life is good.

About 10 minutes ago.

No, I didn't know what to say.

Yes, I know.

I don't know, Mom,
he's my best friend.

Yeah, he's great.

Yeah, I think I am.

I have to go. I will.

Listen, Jim...