The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 8 - Performance Review - full transcript

You should get one of these.
No. Thank you.
Do you even know what this is?
It is a fitness orb.
And it has completely changed my life.
Forget everything you thought you knew
about ab workouts. Done.
This ab workout
is specifically designed to strengthen your core.
Sorry.
That's all right.
Numerous health benefits.
Strengthens your back.
Better performance in sports.
More enjoyable sex.
You're not having sex.
Plus improves your reflexes.
See, I would've caught that.
Okay, you know what, uh, how much is that?
It's only 25 bucks. Wow.
Um, okay.
Pam, could I see you in my office?
Today, we're having performance reviews company wide.
Last year, my performance review started
Last year, my performance review started
with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were,
and it ended with him telling me
he could bench-press 190 pounds.
So I don't really know what to expect.
Pam, you're trustworthy.
Thank you.
And I want you to listen to a voice mail from my boss.
Michael, it's Jan.
I guess I missed you.
I'll, uh, be there this afternoon
for performance reviews.
I hope it's understood
that that will be our only topic of discussion.
See you soon.
First impressions?
Uh, just off the top,
I think she'll be here this afternoon.
My boss is coming in today.
The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould.
Well, no Gould.
The Gould has been divorce.
Um, the awkward part
is that this is the first time
we'll be seeing each other since...
well...
Uh, it was really nothing.
We just sort of got caught up in the moment.
The vulnerable divorcee gives herself
to the understanding with rugged good looks
office manager.
Just, uh,
she didn't want it to continue for some reason.
We both didn't... I didn't want...
we both didn't want it to continue.
It was not professional.
Um, when people say something's mutual,
it never is, but this was mutual.
I guess I missed you.
I guess I missed you.
So she misses me.
She missed you.
But then she goes on to say,
"That will be our only topic of our discussion."
That doesn't mean anything.
Those are just words.
I have one idea of what it means.
Okay. Yeah. What? What?
Well, I don't think you're going to be
very happy with this. Oh great.
All right, well, now I'm in a terrible mood.
Let's do your performance review.
Because she's conflicted.
She has to be professional,
but she's fighting feelings for you.
Ah. Why... That's great news.
That... that... Then why would...
why would I not like that?
Um, just cause that you work together,
and it might be awkward. Wow. Wow.
All right, let's listen to that again.
Michael, it's Jan.
I guess I missed you.
Oh, hey.
Listen, Jim.
Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Okay.
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more
of the double tabbed manilla file folders.
We don't have double tabbed manilla files folders.
Oh yes we do. No, we don't.
Yeah, it's a new product.
So you should just suggest that to him,
and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Uh, that is so stupid.
What if he gives it to you?
I win. Ugh.
You know what,
I am going to zone you out for the rest of today.
I need to stay focused.
And I don't have to see you
tomorrow or Sunday.
Please don't call me,
and we'll see how things go on Monday.
Stupid.
Wait, wait. One thing.
Um, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Uh, duh.
Duh.
Today is Thursday.
But Dwight thinks that it's Friday.
And that's what I'll be working on
this afternoon.
Sometimes women say more in their pauses
than they say in their words.
Really. Oh yes.
Let's listen to it again.
And this time, really listen to the pauses.
God, Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant.
How do you know that?
Did you learn that on the streets?
Sorry.
Oh, it's okay. I did learn it on the streets.
On the ghetto, in fact.
No kidding.
It's all about my bonus.
Michael and Jan definitely made out. Oh.
Maybe more. Eck.
Oh, also it is Thursday,
but Dwight thinks it's Friday,
so keep that going.
Yay.
Good work, Stanley. Great performance review.
Stanley in the house, everybody.
Whoo!
Angela, your turn.
I actually look forward to performance reviews.
I did the youth beauty pageant circuit.
And I enjoyed that quite a bit.
I really enjoy being judged.
I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Michael. Yeah.
Jan's on the phone for you.
Oh. Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
Interesting. Jan is calling me.
Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all.
Yeah.
Michael.
Jan, to what do I owe this pleasure?
I am returning your many calls.
Well, hello to you too.
Um, yeah, I was just, um,
I just wanted to get some closure
on what transpired between us at the meeting
we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
No. No. We... we won't be discussing that, Michael.
The only things I want to talk about
during your performance review
are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Well, surely this, uh, review
is a formality because of what happened, uh,
at our meeting in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Review is anything but a formality, Michael.
And, uh, I expect you to forget anything
that you think may have happened between us
and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Been thinking, about you.
Okay, that is an example
of completely unprofessional behavior.
I don't see how that's unprofessional.
Michael.
Are the cameras in there with you in your office?
No, they are not.
Yes, they are.
That's my girlfriend.
I heard they made out and had sex.
I heard they just made out. That's it.
Well, I heard they made out...
and had sex.
Don't talk about it.
Office romances are nobody's business
but the people involved.
Romances?
Pam, I have ideas on a daily business.
I know I do.
I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas.
Um, is there any chance
that you wrote any of my ideas down
in a folder like a idea folder?
Sorry.
That's unfortunate.
How about the suggestion box?
There's tons of ideas in there.
What suggestion box?
The suggestion box that I put out,
and people could put in suggestions anonymously.
Maybe there's prizes.
Oh, yeah.
I-I think I remember that from back when I first started.
Why don't you find it
and then tell people to get theirs...
Never mind. I'll tell them.
Hello, everybody.
Yeah. Uh, attention, please.
Jan Levinson's coming
very soon.
And so we're going to have
our weekly suggestion box meeting.
So you can all get in your constructive compliments
ASAP.
Don't you mean constructive criticism?
What did I say?
You said constructive compliments.
Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment.
So maybe you should stop criticizing my English
and start making some suggestions.
Okay?
Hey, Dan, this is Jim.
It is about 11:15 and I wanted to know
what you were up to tomorrow,
which is the 15th and that is a...
Saturday. Saturday.
So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow,
Saturday, for lunch.
Okay, talk to you soon.
Okay, bye-bye.
Would you please tell Michael that I'm here?
Sure.
Hi, Jan. How are you?
Hi, Michael. I'm good. How are you.
Good to see you. Nice to see you.
Okay.
Okay, why don't we just step into my off...
We're going to go in here.
Can we please go into your office?
Right after you.
Après vous.
Oh, thank you.
It's nice to see you.
Nice to see you too, Michael.
Really?
Not like that.
Oh, well...
You know, Michael, I think I need to make
something clear right off the top.
I'm not going to discuss anything with you
other than Dunder Mifflin business.
All right. Period.
Do we understand each other?
Absolutely.
I'm a little confused
because first it's all like kissy kissy.
And then it's like all regret.
Because, oh, I regret that.
But wait, I'm still going to call you
but... but we're just going to talk business.
And I may come down there and fire you
if you don't do your job.
But what were we talking about when we first kissed?
Business.
So are you still in the middle
of the performance reviews then?
No, no, no.
I finished all of that. I'm very fast.
I'm not too fast.
Not like wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
But I do say thank you, ma'am.
I'm not like, wham, bam.
Not that there's anything wrong with wham, bam
if it's consensual.
We're talking about office stuff.
Can I ask you a question?
No.
This is a business question.
It's nothing personal. I promise.
Fine.
Are you wearing new perfume today?
How is that a business question?
Well, you're wearing it at the office.
And... It...
I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Please don't smell me, Michael.
Hey, Jim. Hey, how's it going?
Oh, my God.
Did you seed The Apprentice last night?
Of course. It's on every Thursday night.
So how can I miss it?
Can you believe who Trump fired?
No. That was unbelievable.
Who? Who was it?
Who did he fire?
You didn't see it? No.
I went out and got drunk
with my laser tag team last night.
Crap.
I never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't understand...
Hold on. Sorry.
Yes, Pam.
Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
You told me to buzz you
about the suggestion box meeting
when Jan was here.
I did not... not use those words.
Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting.
Is it happening right now?
No, it's in, like, 10 minutes.
Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Great. Very good.
Why are we here?
Because I value your opinions.
Now I know a lot of you don't think
that I read your suggestions,
but I do.
I just sift through them every week.
And I really look and scrutinize
to see what you guys are writing.
Um, so let's just, uh,
read some of these suckers, okay?
All right.
Number one, what should we do
to prepare for Y2K?
What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
I thought you read these every week?
Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box.
That happens occasionally.
It happens occasionally.
And, um, so one down.
Next suggestion.
We need better outreach
for employees fighting depression.
Okay. All right. Enough with the jokes.
Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
That sounds serious, Michael.
Oh. Okay. Well, yeah.
Who wrote it? Tom.
Tom. Then it is a joke
because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago.
Tom.
Oh, that guy. That guy was weird.
All right, next suggestion.
Next suggestion.
Ar, badoo badoo.
You need to do something about your B.O.
You need to do something about your B.O.
Okay, now I don't know who this suggestion is meant for,
but it's more of a personal suggestion.
And it's not an office suggestion.
Far be it from me to use this as a platform
to embarrass anybody.
Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Well, Toby,
if by me you are inferring that I have B.O.,
then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Uh, Michael,
he wasn't inferring, he was implying.
You were inferring.
Was I, Creed?
Okay, well, you know what I am implying
is that when we're on an elevator together,
I should maybe take the stairs
because talk about stank.
Not that I would ever
say something like that in public
and I never have and I never will,
I just think it's something
that we should all be aware of, okay?
Now that we've learned this,
let's continue.
See, this is good.
We're learning,
and we're figuring some stuff out.
You need to do something about your coffee breath.
You need to do... Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Dwight.
Okay, I don't think you people are grasping
the concept of the suggestion box.
Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Yeah? Is that hard for you?
All right. Well, when you have coffee breath, it's hard.
Let's k... let's keep going.
Yup.
What do we have here?
We have...
somebody's piece of gum.
Somebody put a piece of gum in there.
This is not a-a garbage can.
This is the future of our company.
This is not a place for gum, okay?
I don't want to have to read these tomorrow...
Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Yeah. What? No. All right.
Next suggestion. Next suggestion.
Don't... Okay, that's blank.
Don't... Just...
Don't sleep with your boss.
Do you think this is referring
to you boning Jan?
I can't... I can't... I don't understand why you're so upset.
I'm going to sit over here. You're going to sit over there.
Let me ask you this. Please sit yourself down.
Let me ask you something. Where did you get your outfit?
You're gonna give me this raise.
I deserve this raise.
Yes. Yes! Yes!
Ha!
The least you can do
is keep my salary consistent with inflation.
Kah-ah!
Yes! Why are you going to give me this raise?
Why?
Because I'm awesome!
I am awesome!
I just don't understand
why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Because nothing did, Michael.
I'm not going
to say anything more about it,
and I would advise that you do the same.
Look.
Michael. Oh my God.
I'm sorry. I'm interrupting.
Oh God. Were you guys making out?
No, Dwight. Come in. Great.
What do you want, Dwight?
I am ready for my performance review.
Okay. Great.
Your performance has been adequate.
You may leave.
Good-bye.
Is this how you've been conducting
all the reviews, Michael?
You want to talk now? Good.
Okay, Dwight, leave.
Uh, wait.
I would like to discuss my raise.
Why on earth would we give you a raise?
That is an excellent question.
Thank you for asking.
Let me bring up one word.
Dedication.
I have never...
been late.
Also I have never missed a day due to illness.
Even when I had walking pneumonia.
I even come in on holidays.
You do?
How do you get in?
I have a copy of your key.
That's a serious offense.
That is a serious offense. Very serious.
As is toying with a man's heart.
Oh, Michael, for God sakes.
I'd also further like to talk about my merits
in the workplace.
Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that?
For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky
for the whole office.
That was deer? Gross.
You liked it. Oh God. Did not.
Jan, have you ever had deer?
No. It's a delicacy.
And, you know what, it's an aphrodisiac.
So when we're done here,
you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge,
sample some deer, and talk about my raise.
What do you say, Jan?
Okay. Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to step outside,
collect my thoughts,
and I will return in about 10 minutes.
Okay, you just, uh, clear your head.
Thank you, Dwight.
Look. I know it's your job.
I know you have to ask.
But I promise you,
I'm not going to discuss it with him.
I'm certainly not going to discuss it with you.
Do you have a light?
And in conclusion,
I think Lex Luther said it best
when he said, "Dad, you have no idea
what I'm capable of."
That's from Superman?
Smallville.
And that is why I feel I deserve
this raise.
Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
I don't really want to picture it,
but thank you, Pam.
How do you come back from that?
Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know.
Especially working together.
No, I mean, doing that with Michael.
How do you come back from that
as a human being?
Oh. Yeah. No. I don't think you can.
I'm heading back
to New York.
Allan and I will conduct your performance review
over the phone tomorrow, okay?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no. I just... I just want to know why.
Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Okay. So you're saying that there is a different time
or place that we can have this discussion.
No, I am saying we are never gonna have this conversation.
Well, okay. Never as in never ever ever?
Or never as in there's no chance?
Never for me always means never ever ever.
I just want to know from the horse's mouth
what is the dealio. You know, Michael...
Am I too short? Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks, okay?
It's your personality.
I mean, you're obnoxious
and rude and... and... and stupid.
And you do have coffee breath
by the way.
And... and I don't agree about the B.O.
But you are very, very inconsiderate.
Really?
Really.
You're... you're... you're...
you're a great guy, okay?
I appreciate that. Thank you.
You were very sweet.
And you stayed up with me and talked to me
and cried with me and I appreciate that.
No, I wasn't.
I wasn't crying.
But I am just not in the place right now
where I'm looking for a relationship.
So we can still work together,
we can still be friends, but...
Okay?
So my looks having nothing to do with it.
Jan is not in a place where she feels
she can have a relationship right now.
And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am.
And that is all I needed.
I'm good. I can go home now.
Hey, it's 12:20. Where the hell is Dwight?
Um, no idea.
Never missed a day my ass.
I'm here! I'm here!
I'm here! It's okay!