The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Fire - full transcript

Dunder Miflin, this is Pam.
Sure, can I ask who's calling?
Just a second.
Jim Halpert.
What?
How did you get this number?
Stalker.
Katie and Jim met in the office.
And now I guess they're, like, going out
or dating or something.
And, uh...
I don't know, you know?
They're just... she calls him and they... you know.
I'm sorry, I feel like I'm talking really loud.
Am I talking really loud?
So we're still on for lunch?
You're meeting me here?
Okay.
Great. Bye.
Hey.
You can just give her your extension.
Okay.
Howard slash Ryan.
Ryan Howard is sitting in my office.
And he has been a temp here for a couple of months.
And he's kind of gotten the lay of the land
a little bit.
A few laughs along the way.
And now he wants to know what I think.
The temp agency wants to know what you think.
Shall we? Let us proceed.
First up, proficiency in necessary skills.
Eeeeeeaaa...
Excellent!
Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp.
He hasn't evaluated me in years.
Five years from now, what do you wanna do?
Where do you wanna be? Uh, well, I'm interested in business.
Oh, good.
Ambitious. Excellent.
Wanna be a manager?
Uh, no, actually what I want is to own
my own company.
That is ridiculous.
Ryan's about to attend
the Michael Scott school of business.
I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
Much advice you seek.
You know who that is?
Fozzy Bear?
No, that was Yoda.
There are ten rules of business that you need to learn.
Number one...
You need to play to win...
but you also have to win to play.
Got it.
And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.
Hey, tch tch.
Michael and I have a very special connection.
He's like Batman, I'm like Robin.
He's like The Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto.
And it's not like there was The Lone Ranger
and Tonto and Bonto.
People!
Okay! Everybody?
This is not a test!
Go to the exits!
Do not panic!
Get up off your desks!
Do not panic!
This is not a drill!
Arms at your side! Arms at your side!
This is a paper company, people!
Step lively!
This whole place is a tinderbox.
It is ready to blow.
This is not a test!
Can you leave?
Oh, you say that every time.
Do you wanna die?!
Do you wanna die?!
Out!
Stanley, have you ever seen a burn victim?
Move to the exits!
You're safety partners!
Real smoke! We've got smoke!
Smoke!
God!
Oh, Kelly! Are you okay?
I gotcha!
Hey! Get off me!
Get the off of me!
Breathe through your nose.
Remove your stockings! Okay?
They'll melt right into your flesh!
Stay below the smoke line.
Let's go! Clear out, stat!
Stat means now!
Yes, I was the first one out.
And, yes, I've heard women and children first.
But we do not employ children.
We are not a sweatshop, thankfully.
And women are equal in the workplace by law.
So, I let them out first,
I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Another rule of business...
is being able to adapt to different situations.
Yeah?
Adapt, react, readapt...
Apt. Right?
That's rule number two.
Okay!
Guys, listen up, we need a headcount.
Okay, we need a countoff. Michael's number one.
Where is he? Where is he?
So what was rule two?
Uh, adapt, react, readapt, apt.
Okay, well, let's...
Let's just kind of take it a little slower.
Hey, Michael, uh, Ryan needs a number for the countoff.
Okay, uh, well, one is taken.
Uh, okay, two?
No! Okay... uh, sorry.
Okay, he can have 14.
Margery's not here today.
Well, he needs a permanent number, all right?
No, I don't.
Oh, you know what else?
I thought of a nickname for the three of us.
Three musketeers.
Um, yeah, okay.
That... no no no no! I got one, I got one.
The three stooges.
That's funny, too, but if we're the three musketeers...
I don't wanna be, like, a guy here, you know?
Like, Stanley is the crossword puzzle guy.
And Angela has cats.
I don't wanna have a thing here, you know?
I don't wanna be the something guy.
Okay, you know what?
I think I'm gonna be setting the agenda here, okay?
Can everybody gather up, please.
Important announcement.
Very important announcement.
I think this is a perfect opportunity
for all of us to participate
in some really intense
psychologically revealing conversations.
So we're gonna be playing Desert Island...
um, "Who Would You Do?"
And, um...
"Would You Rather?"
"Would You Rather?"
"Would You Rather?" is our third game.
Yeah!
Hey, what's going on, man? How are ya?
Long time no see. Yeah, I know, right?
Hey, guys, great response time.
Listen up. I got some theories.
There's a...
Okay, so, three books on a desert island.
Angela.
The Bible.
That's one book. You've got two others.
Purpose Driven Life.
Nice.
Third book.
No.
Okay! Phyllis.
Um, The Da Vinci Code.
The Da Vinci Code.
I would take The Da Vinci Code.
So I could burn The Da Vinci code.
Okay, great, that's gonna keep you warm
for, like, seven seconds.
Question, is there firewood on the island?
I guess.
Then I would bring an axe. No books.
No, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.
Nice. Smart.
Hollowed out.
Inside, waterproof matches,
iodine tablets.
Beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket.
And...
in case I get bored,
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
No, Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban.
Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Rule number four in business.
Image is everything. Andre Agassi.
This car is an investment, right?
If I have to take out a client.
Or I'm seen around Scranton in it.
I love it. I love this car.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
Okay, I thought people read more books.
DVDs. Five movies.
What would you bring to the island.
Yes, Meredith.
Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding,
Legally Blonde, Bridges of Madison County.
Wow.
Legends of the Fall. Wow.
Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blonde.
These movies are just...
Well, I kind of like...
Wait, wait, wait. Pam, no.
Do you understand?
The game is desert island movies,
not guilty pleasure movies.
Desert island movies are the movies you're gonna watch
for the rest of your life! Forever!
Unforgivable. I take it back.
Unforgivable.
I take it back! Good.
And Ghost.
But, uh, just that one scene.
Is this your car, Ryan?
Wow, some pretty big books back there.
Good shocks.
Hello, Mr. Egghead. Beep!
Oh, Stanley Kaplan, I know him.
M is for murder. P is for...
That's actually a test prep book. What?
That's a test prep for business school.
Oh, thinking about business school.
I just got in.
I applied. I go at night.
Really?
So you think you know a lot about business?
No, not yet. Just started.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Quiz me.
I wouldn't even know... Oh, come on.
Come on, Egghead. Let's do it.
Quiz me up.
All right.
Um, why have people been rethinking
the Microsoft model in the past few years?
When I was Ryan's age,
I worked in a fast food restaurant
to save up money for school.
And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme.
But I learned more about business
right then and there
than business school would ever teach me.
Or Ryan would ever teach me.
Is it cheaper to sign a new customer
or to keep an existing customer?
Keep an existing...
Shut... it.
Can I just do it please?
Uh, it's equal.
It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.
Okay, yes. It was a trick question.
Yeah, but look.
I mean, he didn't need business school, okay?
Michael comes from the school of hard knocks.
Okay, Dwight? Self-taught.
You didn't even go to college.
You know what?
You don't need to help me here, okay?
You know, maybe you should go to business school
like Ryan.
Then you'd know what you're talking about.
You're studying with the master, huh?
You should learn from him, right?
Right?
Stop. You know what, Dwight?
You're acting like a dork.
Would you cool it, please?
Okay.
Hey, he's not your five year old brother, Dwight.
He's a valued member of this company.
And you know what?
He knows more about business than you ever will.
Stupid.
I did not go to business school.
You know who else didn't go to business school?
LeBron James, Tracy McGrady.
Kobe Bryant.
They went right from high school to the NBA.
So...
So it's not the same thing at all.
Look at this stuff.
Market fragments, what is that supposed to be?
It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets
of a larger client base.
You are so smart.
You are so f-ing smart.
You should be teaching me.
Pam, get us back into it.
Five movies, go ahead.
Okay, um, Fargo.
Um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused.
Ooh, definitely in my top five.
Yes, in my top three, so suck it.
Breakfast Club.
Um, The Princess Bride.
Okay, that's five.
No! My all time favorite!
Pam, play by the rules. Play by the rules.
All time favorite.
Dwight!
All time favorite movie.
The Crow.
I became a salesman because of people.
I love making friends.
But then I was promoted to manager
at a very young age.
And I still try to be a friend first.
But, you know...
When you're very successful,
your co-workers look at you differently.
Ah, what do you think?
Maybe we should get some air.
No, I'm okay.
I'm really uncomfortable.
All right, let's move on.
Let's move on to the main event.
Who would you do?
Present company excluded?
Um, not necessarily.
Pam. Pam.
Um...
Okay, you know what?
Maybe I'll finish explaining the rules.
Let me explain it first and then...
Yeah, so we'll get right... you know what?
I'll be right back. Stanley.
You're taking over for me, buddy.
I'll be right back.
Okay. Um...
Dwight. Dwight.
Come on, Dwight, use words.
Why didn't I go to business school?
Who goes to business school?
The temp. He does?
Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore.
You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself,
"I wish I were a volunteer Sheriff on the weekend."
He doesn't even know that I do that.
You should tell him.
Oh, yeah, Pam. Right.
That's gonna help things, just talk it out.
I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
Dwight. What?
I'm sorry I said that.
I didn't...
Just part of me meant it.
Besides, he'd end up being a hero, anyway.
You know what you should do.
You should quit.
And then, that would stick it to both of them.
No, Jim, I'm not gonna quit.
Then Ryan wins. Yeah, you're right.
Thanks, you guys.
I just need some alone time.
Okay.
Hey, guys, what's going on?
Nothin'. Hey!
What's up?
Can I hang with you guys for a bit?
The warehouse guys are...
a bunch of jackasses sometimes.
Come on, people, you know the rules of the game.
Oh, hey, hey, game?
What game are we playing here?
Okay, it's called "Who Would You Do?"
Oh!
I play this at home all the time
while I'm falling asleep.
What, uh... where are we? Where are we here?
Roy? Roy?
Who would you do, Roy?
Uh... Oh, I got it!
What's the name of that tight-ass Christian chick?
The blond?
My name is Angela.
Hey, Angela, Roy. Nice to meet you.
All right, who's next? Who's next?
Who's next? Who's... Jim?
You're next. Who would you do?
Um, Kevin, hands down.
Yeah.
He's really got that teddy bear thing going on.
Afterwards we could just watch bowling.
Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan.
'Cause he is gonna own his own business.
You're all gay.
Who's, uh, who's next? Who we got?
Who? Hey.
No, I can talk, I can talk. I can talk.
Well, wish I had my cell phone,
but I left it inside, so...
Would that make you happy?
What's that? If you had your cell phone?
Would it make you happy? Yeah.
I'm on it.
Dwight. Hey!
You can't go back in yet!
Dwight!
He is an idiot.
The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen.
What if he dies in the fire?
And that's the last thing you ever said to him?
I didn't say it to him, I said it about him.
Jim. Definitely Jim.
Definitely, definitely Jim.
Come on, Pam. Pam?
Come on.
Um...
Oscar's kind of cute.
Yeah, I like Oscar.
Ooh, Toby.
How long does it take to find a cell phone?
Um, is there anybody else?
Hey, where are you? Oh, good.
Yeah, we're just here.
We're playing desert island.
That's where you pick your five favorite DVDs.
Seriously, where the hell is Dwight?
I don't know.
Hey, call my cell phone.
It'll make it easier for him to find.
What's your number?
I gave it to you in the car.
Um...
I saw you program it in.
You gotta... you gotta give it to me again.
All right.
Now, I have it.
Um, I better tell somebody.
Excuse me, sir?
Dwight!
Dwight!
God, man, why did you go in there?
Everybody was scared out of their wits, man.
Everyone, okay. Uh...
I have an announcement.
Apparently, in business school,
they don't teach you how to operate
a toaster oven.
Because some smart, sexy temp
left his cheese pita on oven
instead of timing it for the toaster thing!
Oh, wow! Okay.
Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate
a toaster oven in business school...
That's exactly what I said!
Hey, did you miss that day, there, Ryan?
Were you absent?
Toaster oven 101?
I am so sorry.
Oh, man.
Hey, I know what'll impress everybody.
I'll start a fire.
Oh, man.
Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.
I have a song... attention everyone...
that I wanna sing.
That I wrote especially for this occasion
when I was up there among the flames.
Ready?
I can't believe I started the fire.
I'm so sorry.
Eat it! He has to eat it!
Hey. How are you?
Good, how are you? I'm good.
It's good to see you. Good to see you too.
I'm hungry. Yeah, I am too.
Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over,
and I have my answers. What answers?
Uh, for the desert island.
Oh, right! Right right right!
Come on, come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round.
We have one more participant.
Come on, be polite. Be polite.
Desert island, five movies, go.
Okay, um, first, Legally Blonde.
I forgot what a super nice girl Katie is.
And, just... good for Jim.
They are so cute together.
And, um, what an adorable car!
Okay!
I think the game's over.
People are, like, leaving.
There was a bigger crowd last time.
Do you wanna just go to lunch?
Okay, all right. Yeah?
You wanna drive? Sure.
All right.
They are so cute.
I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Answer me this, though. What?
Was it worth it? Was it worth it, temp?
No. Really?
I'm really sorry, Dwight.
The fire guy! The fire guy!
Okay, rule five, safety first,
i.e. don't burn the building down, okay?
That should be a no-brainer.
Oh, look...
Ryan is book smart.
And I am street smart.
And book smart.
I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.