The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Office Olympics - full transcript

I'm an early bird
and I'm a night owl.

So I'm wise and I have worms.

Oh, breakfast.

I got your sausage,
egg and cheese biscuit.

Yummy, yummy, thank you, Ryan.

What was the thing you needed
me to come in early for?

Um...

The sausage, egg and cheese
biscuit. But, thank you.

And why don't you just take a
couple hours. Office is yours.

Home Alone, Risky Business.
Take your pants off, run around.

Whatever you want to do.



I'm just going to take a nap
in my car till work starts.

Okay.

See? Healthier,
got to watch those carbs.

Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming
a homeowner, investing in real estate.

Diversifying. Smart.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It is very important
to own property.

Back in olden days, they
would not even let you vote

unless you owned property, and they'd
throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.

And it worked.
Yes.

They should bring the stocks
back, people would obey the law,

there'd be less troublemakers.

Maybe.

Every so often,
Jim dies of boredom.



I think today it was the
expense reports that did him in.

And our deal is, that it's
up to me to revive him.

You see Dwight's coffee mug?

Sometimes when he's not here,
I try to throw stuff in it.

No way.

Let's do this.

Here, try paperclips.

Oh, wait, this message,
for Dwight.

Perfect.

You should go.

Yes, yes. Final walk-through.

Sign the papers at the condo.

You have your lawyer there?

I don't need one.

Can I be your representative?

I think I should be there.
I don't need representation.

No, no.
No, I'm good. I can make sure

things are up to code.
No, Dwight. Please.

I'm always the guy
that you rely on at work.

Well, this isn't about work.
This is closing on a condo.

It's completely personal.

So, you're taking
a personal day?

Except that it's about
my living arrangement

and as boss I need to have a living
arrangement in order to do work.

Please. I'll make you proud.

Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.

Yes. As your representative?

As my associate.
Same thing.

No, it is not.

I have been Michael's number
two guy for about five years

and we make a great team.

Why, we're like one of
those classic, famous teams.

He's like Mozart
and I'm like Mozart's friend.

No, I'm like Butch Cassidy,

and Michael is like Mozart.

You try and hurt Mozart, you're
gonna get a bullet in your head,

courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Most honorable Pamela.

Not offensive, because that's
the way they talk in movies.

You headed out?
We are.

Dwight and I
are going to the big thing.

So, why don't you have everybody
work on their expense reports

and I'd like them in by
the end of the day. Okay.

Very good.
Have a great time.

We will. Did you do the thing I
asked you to do about the magazines?

Yeah, I changed them to
your new address. Good.

The Small Business Man?
Yep.

Maxim?

American Way? CRACKED?

Yes, I changed your CRACKED
magazine subscription.

How about Fine Arts

Aficionado Monthly?

No? Okay. Well, could you get on
that, 'cause I don't just read CRACKED.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Okay. See you soon.

What kind of shocks
you got on this baby?

I don't know,
regular, normal ones.

Nothing fancy, not my style.

What are you doing?
I want to put the top down.

What are you... No, Dwight.
It's 50 degrees outside, please.

But then
no one can see us.

I... Just...
Would you put it up?

Okay, fine,
just leave it down. Whiner.

Check it out. Terminator.

I do not understand
what you spend your money on.

Hey, Oscar. These new expense reports, do
we really have to go back to last quarter?

Yeah, it's a terrible system,
I know.

What does "2005 Season" mean?

Wait a minute. What is this?

It's a scoreboard.

What?

Kevin and I play
this paper football game

when Michael's out.
Really?

Or when we're bored. Oh, my God.

Wait, this goes back
two years.

We're bored a lot.

Sweet.

Yes, so close.

I really love the "paper triangle
flicking and hitting things" game.

Yeah. We call it
"Hate Ball. "

Why?

Because of how much
Angela hates it.

Hey, do you guys have
any other games?

Sometimes we play "who can put
the most M&M's in their mouth. "

You play that.

You should ask Toby
to teach you "Dunder Ball. "

Home, sweet home.

Which one's yours?

Right there.
My sanctuary, my party-pad.

Someday, I can just see my grandkids
learning how to walk out here.

Hang a swing from this tree,
push them back...

Wait. No,
it's this one right here.

Home, sweet home.

So that's what this sound is
all day.

Michael, this is Bill. He's the
head of the condo association.

Oh, hey, how are you? Nice to
meet you, Bill. Bill, Mr. Bill.

Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

SNL. When they
pull him apart?

He would always get
rolled over by something.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.

This is smaller
than your old place.

Yes, well, I'm buying it.
I'm not renting it.

So, it's still an upgrade.

He doesn't know anything about property
ownership. He's kind of an idiot.

Actually,
I do own property.

My grandfather left me
a 60 acre working beet farm.

I run it with my cousin Moes.

We sell beets to local
stores and restaurants.

It's a nice little farm.

Sometimes teenagers
use it for sex.

Are we ready to sign
some papers?

Actually, no,
we have a couple of questions.

About the neighborhood.

It's very safe.

It's very clean.

Also, it's very accepting
of all lifestyles.

It's a very gay-friendly
neighborhood.

Oh, good, that's good.

It's good to be accommodating
of that.

Let's go check out
the master bedroom.

Stanley, I just played
Dunder Ball with Toby.

What about you?
You got any games?

Yeah, I got a game.

It's called "work hard, so
my kids can go to college. "

Fair enough.

This, my friends,
is the master bedroom.

Check out the cathedral ceilings.
Those are, like, 17 feet high.

We have cable readiness right there.
I'm going to totally pimp this place out.

I'm going to put
a surround sound system.

I'm going to put a plasma
screen right against this wall.

Oh, terrible idea. Here's where
I'm putting my bed, right here.

No, no, no, no,
this is a shared wall.

Neighbor throws his wife
into the wall,

plasma screen hits the floor,
totally smashed.

Well, then I will get
a warranty.

Warranties don't cover it.

Plus they're a rip-off.

Well, then I won't get
a warranty.

Wait. So, that's the
problem, it's solved. What?

I don't hear you
practicing.

Listen.
Can you hear that?

Oh, man,

these babies are thin.

This scented candle, which I
found in the men's bathroom,

represents the eternal

burning of competition,

or something.

It smells like cookies.

Yes, it does.
Yes, it does, my friend.

Okay, we will be competing for
gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.

Now, the bronze
are really blue

and they're also the backside
of the gold, so no flipping.

Okay, honor system.

I do play games.

I sing and I dangle things
in front of my cats.

I play lots of games,
just not at work.

Let the games begin.

And then I just need you
to sign here at this arrow.

What kind of mortgage
did you get?

Ten year.

Well, 10 over 30.
So 30 year total.

What? What?

You said 10.

Ten year fixed,
over 30, 30 year total.

Oh, 30 years.

Okay, okay, okay.

Wow, you'll be paying
this off in your mid-70s.

All right.

Forget about retiring
when you're 65.

Hey, I have an idea.
You know that extra bedroom?

If the whole girlfriend thing never
happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Okay, all right. Oh, boy.

Okay, now, this is it.

Whenever you're ready.

Yeah.

Oh, okay,
is that supposed to come off?

Actually, yeah.

Hey, look, cool,
carpenter ants.

I'm going to take a little
breather for a second, excuse me.

We'll be here
waiting for you.

Oh, man.

A 30-year mortgage
at Michael's age

essentially means
that he's buying a coffin.

Now, if I were buying my coffin,
I would get one with thicker walls

so you couldn't hear
the other dead people.

Whenever you're ready,
Michael.

You have what is the national
sport of Icelandic paper companies.

And I'm blanking on the name.
Could you help me out, Pam?

Jim, they refer to it
as "Flonkerton. "

In English, "box-of-paper
snowshoe racing. "

Fair enough,
but I like Flonkerton.

The thing about Jim is

when he's excited about something,
like the Office Olympics,

he gets really into it and
he does a really great job.

But the problem with Jim
is that he works here,

so that hardly ever happens.

So, who will be challenging
Kevin in Flonkerton?

Anyone?
I'll do it.

Yes, Phyllis.

Phyllis.

Phyllis, if you just put your foot right
through here, right through the flonk.

The ceilings are lower
than they were last week.

That... I don't...

What? I don't know if you showed me

the same unit or not.

Michael,
this is the unit you saw.

And where are
all the hot people?

I was told that there would be
all these attractive singles.

Who told you that?
And as far as I can tell,

I'm the best-looking
person here.

There's a basic principle
in real estate,

that you should never be the
best-looking person in the development.

It's just sort of
common sense.

Because if you are, then
you've no place to go but down.

Is this a financial thing?

If it's a financial thing, what some people
do is they rent out the third bedroom.

That's an extra income for you. No, no.

I'm not going to rent
the third bedroom.

I want a price reduction
or I am a-walking.

You will lose $7,000
if you walk away right now.

I made the right decision.
I'm glad I signed.

Look, I'm a homeowner. Right?

Good to be a homeowner,
diversified. This is good.

This is fun.
We're having fun.

Totally having fun.

Can you imagine those poor
saps stuck at the office today?

Here we go. Here we go.

Go, go, go!

Pair of shoes.
Dig deep. Dig deep.

It's Phyllis,
Phyllis by a nose.

Gold medal in Flernenton.
Flonkerton.

Thank you,
delegate from Iceland.

Wow, okay,
no one else should even try.

Gold medals. Give him medals.

Wow.

There's something else, Dwight,
I want to talk to you about.

I have a surprise for you,
for helping me out today.

Oh, you didn't have to...

No, no, I insist,
I insist.

Because you've really done
some great work, great work.

And that is why
I'm going to let you

move into my third bedroom
and pay me rent.

Why did I do it?

Because I believe in rewarding
people for their efforts.

I rewarded Dwight
with the room

and he is rewarding me back

with $500 plus utilities.

I don't even know
what to say.

I'm thinking, lock you
into a four-year commitment.

We'll go month-to-month
after that.

Or until I start dating, have
a girlfriend and then, you're...

You know,
you're gone. So...

Question. Where can I put my terrarium?

What the hell
is a terrarium?

It's a fish tank
for snakes and lizards.

Oh, so, an aquarium?

That will not come
into this place, okay?

Question.
Oh, my God.

My grandparents left me
a large number of armoires.

Are you sure
you don't want to play?

I'm sure.

Come on, Angela,
don't you have a game?

I have one, yes.

Well, let's play.
What is it?

I call it "Pam-Pong. "

I count how many times
Jim gets up from his desk

and goes to reception
to talk to you.

We're friends.

Apparently.

Very nicely done.

Okay, so, I think that's H.O.R.
For Stanley and H.O. For Phyllis.

Are you calling me a ho?

Oh, my God.

Phyllis coming alive,
I like it.

Question. What about
car-pooling? Who pays for the gas?

We take separate cars.

Okay, question. Can sometimes I
drive your car and you drive mine?

Why would we do that?
Just for fun.

No.
Okay, question.

Who's the primary
on the fire insurance?

Game over.

Offer revoked, Dwight.

I'm sorry, but you reach out
and you try to be a nice guy

and help out a friend
and this is what happens.

This is what I get.

Oh, God, I'm... Okay.

Thank God.

It was nice of him to offer, but
I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse.

I have my own crossbow range.
It's a perfect situation for me.

Although, two bathrooms
would have been nice.

We just have the one.

And it's under the porch.

Who had somebody
from Vance Refrigeration?

I did.
Ryan Howard.

Ryan, gold medal.

I made something
for our closing ceremonies.

What? Oh, my God. Where did
you have time to make that?

Automatic voicemail.
All right, Pam, all right.

Nice work.

You know, you can always
refinance your mortgage.

We had a 15-year on our beet
farm, we paid it off early.

Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody
cares about your stupid beet farm.

Beets are the worst.

People love beets.
Nobody likes beets.

Everyone loves beets.

Nobody likes beets, Dwight.

Why don't you grow something
that everybody does like?

You should grow candy.

I'd love a piece of candy
right now.

Not a beet.

Let's get this roof going. Stop it!

Final lap, final lap.

The time to beat is 1:15. Time
to beat is one minute, 15 seconds.

Here they come!

Go, go, go!

Guys.

What is going on?
Nothing.

Guys, timer's still going.

That's my stopwatch.

Here you go. All done.

Great.

Yeah, I filled out
the expense reports.

That took about five minutes and
then I closed two sales at lunchtime,

so, about as productive
as any other day,

if not more so.

I figured I could
throw it away now

or I could keep it for a couple
of months and then throw it away.

I mean, it was really
nice of Pam to make them,

but what am I going to do

with a gold medal made of
paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Hey.

I have 59 voicemails.

Hey, can you ignore those and
do something for me, instead?

Sure.

Okay, today, 5:00,

closing ceremonies.

Really?

Notify the athletes.

Cool.

Michael?

Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim.

What's going on?
Nothing.

I just wanted to congratulate
you on your condo.

Oh, thanks, thanks.
It's very cool.

It's three bedroom, gay-friendly. Nice.

You know.

Hey, would you mind coming
out here for a second?

I just have something for you.

Really?

What's this?

These are the closing
ceremonies. Step up.

Here, on the top one.

Congratulations to Michael,
because he closed on his condo,

so gold medal.

I don't really know
what to say.

I'm not one
for making speeches,

but my heart is very full
at this moment.

And for Dwight Schrute,
the silver medal.

Get on up here, Dwight.

Silver medal.

Yeah, not as good
as gold.

Why are you playing
the National Anthem?

'Cause your condo's
in America.

What the hell is that?

Those are the doves.

All right.