The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 18 - Take Your Daughter to Work Day - full transcript

I am actually looking forward
to take your daughter to work day.
I am not great with kids.
But I wanna get better because I'm getting married.
So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk
so the kids will come talk to me.
Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Bribery. Nice.
Oh, I have more.
It's Pam.
Ms. Beasley if you're nasty.
Janet Jackson.
Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction, or...
You can't be nasty today.
Oh, God. Is that today?
I reminded you last night.
Listen, I like kids.
But this is not a kids environment.
This is like HBO. No limits.
Who knows what I'm gonna say?
Crazy stuff.
And it is R rated.
It is not rated G.
I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw.
And they are trying to make me into
Eddie Murphy in Daddy Daycare.
Both great movies, but still.
Well, I'll be in my office.
Don't you think you should say something?
They're cool.
Michael, I think that as the boss, you should...
Fine fine fine fine fine!
Hi, children.
I'm Michael Scott.
And I am in charge of this place.
Uh, how do I make you understand?
I am like Superman.
And the people who work here
are like citizens of Gotham city.
That's Batman. That's Batman.
Okay, I'm Aquaman.
Where does he live, guys?
The ocean.
I work with a bunch of nerds.
Mmm. Hello, tiny one.
Come on.
You are the future.
This is my file cabinet.
Um...
Oh, this is the partition between my desk
and Angela's.
Abby's my fiancé Stacy's daughter.
I think she'll have a good time.
I just hope she doesn't look on my computer.
Actually, I'd better go check.
Michael, you remember my daughter Melissa.
Oh, yes. Hello, how are you?
Good to see you.
Wow, you've really grown up.
You know what?
Don't mind me saying so.
She is turning into a stone cold fox.
Better keep the frat boys away from her.
I'm in 8th grade.
Oh... She's in middle school.
Yeah, middle school's amazing.
It is extraordinary.
An extraordinary time.
It's not that children make me uncomfortable.
It's just that, why be a dad
when you can be a fun uncle?
I've never heard of anyone rebelling
against their fun uncle.
They want how many spiral pads?
Uh, well, 50.
I over ordered because they had a back order.
I got permission to bring Jakey in to work.
Which is great because he got suspended this week,
and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.
Can you pull that down there?
Okay, tell 'em what you wanted to say.
Do you need any help?
No, thanks.
We'd have to explain everything.
It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
All right, I wasn't expecting that.
Let's go draw.
Oh, my God. She is so cute, I wanna die.
Don't you just love kids, Angela?
I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well behaved boys.
God, I cannot wait to get pregnant
and have babies.
Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun.
And I'm learning that fun for Kelly
is getting married and having babies.
Immediately. With me.
Just compare last year's orders
with this year's. Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'm looking at it right now.
Yes.
We...
Yeah, they're very...
They're different.
Yeah, we can stick with last year's.
We're just gonna have to supplement it somehow.
Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents?
It's actually pretty cool.
No, thanks.
I only have one goal today.
To make one kid like me.
Just one.
What are you reading?
From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Oh, best book.
Yeah, but I read it before.
So have I.
Hey, question, if you had to spend the night in the Met
or the aquarium, which would it be?
Definitely the aquarium. Definitely.
Yes. Glad you said that.
You don't wanna help me with some of my sales, do you?
'Cause I'm kinda swamped.
Sure. Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Yes. And you're Abby, right?
Yeah. I'm Jim.
Let's sell some paper.
All right.
Let's start with your mom.
Yes.
Well, we can... Um...
Hey, you know what? Can I call you back?
I'll call you right back.
Yes, I promise.
Hello. Can I help you?
You can pick that up if you want.
That's all right.
Wanna bring it over...
Here, I'll make some room.
My name's Michael. What's your name?
Sasha. Nice to meet you.
Ooh! Oh, you know what that is?
That is a train whistle.
Like I'm the conductor.
But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right?
You wanna try?
Sure.
All aboard for sales!
Next stop, Cook... camonga!
Ow ow ow ow, you broke my hand.
There is no way that hurt.
Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Little girl, come over here.
Shake my hand.
Come on, I don't have all day.
I didn't feel anything. Nothing.
You're so weak.
Excuse me, these are expensive collector's items.
Okay?
Do you have any computer games?
No, I don't have computer games
on my work computer. That would be inappropriate.
Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either.
It's so lame here.
You call your mom Meredith?
That's very disrespectful.
Whatever, okay?
You can refer to me as Mr. Schroot.
That's your name? Mm-hmm.
Mr. Poop?
Schroot. Mr. Schroot.
Sure, Mr. Poop.
Schroot.
Are you Mother Goose?
I drink, like, 100 iced macchiatos a day
and practically nothing else. Wow.
There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters,
at the Steamtown Mall. You ever been there?
No.
You've never been to Jitters?
Ryan, you are so dorky.
Give me your number so I can text you.
Um...
Come on.
Can I have your email address?
I just thought you should know...
Mmm-hmm?
I think something a little fishy is going on.
A little fishy? Yeah.
I mean, I've been noticing them all day.
And I was thinking...
That little girl is a child!
I don't wanna see you sniffing around her
anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Yes. Boy, have you lost your mind?
'Cause I'll help you find it.
Whatcha looking for?
Ain't nobody gonna help you out there.
Jesus can come through that door,
if you don't stop sniffing after my child. Okay.
Stanley yelled at me today.
That was one of the most frightening experiences
of my life.
That was Greensleeves.
A traditional English ballad
about the beheaded Anne Boleyn.
And now, a very special treat.
A book my granmutter used to read me
when I was a kid.
This is a very special story.
It's called Struwwelpeter by Heinrich Hoffmann
from 1864.
The great tall tailor always comes to little girls
that suck their thumbs. Are you listening, Sasha?
Right?
And ere they dream what he is about,
he takes his great sharp scissors out
and then cuts their thumbs clean off.
Dwight, Dwight.
What the hell are you reading?
These are cautionary tales for kids, Michael.
Yeah, you know what? No.
No no no no no.
The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book
that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
What's a Nazi?
What's a Nazi?
Nazi was a fascist movement in the 1930s.
Don't talk about Nazis in front of...
You know what? They're gonna have nightmares.
Why don't you just shut it?
I was gonna teach the children how to make
corn husk dolls.
Why don't you just leave, okay?
Bye, Mr. Poop.
All right, there goes Mr. Poop.
Now, who likes Dane Cook?
I do!
Children cannot lie.
They are innocent, and they speak the truth.
And out of the mouths of babes,
Michael Scott is freakin' cool.
You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father.
Because he was a very strict disciplinarian.
I can only hope my mate
has some of those same qualities.
This is where the magic happens.
Right over here, let me show you this.
See all these?
You know what that is? That's paper.
This is where paper comes from.
Any questions?
So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff?
No, we don't actually cut the paper.
That's a good question.
The paper is sent to us cut and dyed
from a paper manufacturer.
And then we sell it to a business
for more than we pay for it.
That's not fair.
No. Yes, it is.
It's... well, you need someone in the middle to facilitate...
You're just a middleman.
I'm not just a middleman.
Wait, why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper
directly to people?
You are describing Office Depot.
And they're kind of running us out of business.
We have better service than they do.
There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody.
This is Creed.
And he is in charge of... something, right?
That is correct. Say hi to the kids.
Hi, kids.
You ever seen a foot with four toes?
Eww! What are you doing?
Stop it, stop it!
Just no no no. No, no!
Would you cut it out?
What is your problem?
No no no.
We're not gonna see the four-toed Creed, okay?
You know, there's something interesting
about me that you might wanna know.
I used to be the star of a kids show.
No way. It's true, I did.
You serious?
I am totally serious.
There was a show called Fundle Bundle,
and I was the star.
What? It's true.
I can prove it.
I can prove it. Watch this.
Ryan, can you come here a second?
I would like you to go to my mother's house
in Dixon City.
And if she's at the pool,
the back kitchen window should be unlocked.
I want you boost yourself up.
I want you to go down to the basement.
In the basement is a tape labeled Fundle Bundle.
I want you grab it. I want you to get my guitar.
I want you to get a tambourine.
Do you know how to play the tambourine?
I'm already getting the pizzas from Brenetti's, so...
I can go with him.
No, I will go.
Okay! Thank you, Ryan.
Good attitude. Hottest in the office.
All right, now what kind of pizza do you like?
I don't get why parents are always complaining
about how tough it is to raise kids.
You joke around with them. You give 'em pizza.
You give 'em candy.
You let 'em live their lives.
They're adults, for God's sake.
I am going to give you a little blast from the past
of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star.
And a show that you might remember
called Fundle Bundle.
Okay, without further ado, Ryan?
Bundle, are you read to come on in?
Yeah! Let's have some fun!
That is Miss Trudy.
Can't tell from her costume,
but she had an amazing body.
Okay, you can fast forward.
And, I want you... It's coming up... stop!
Stop stop!
Stop.
Yes!
That is Edward R. Meow.
That's pretty funny.
Yeah.
Hey, what's your name?
My name's Chet.
Well, hi, Chet.
Is that Chet Montgomery?
I don't know. Yeah, that is!
He's the meteorologist from channel 4.
Checking in with Chet. Doppler 7.
That guy's legit.
What do you wanna be when you grow up?
I wanna be on TV.
And he is on TV now!
Everybody please shut up. Please.
So you don't miss it.
Okay, next.
So, what's your name? That's me.
That's me.
Well, what's your favorite subject in school?
Recess.
Recess.
So, tell me, what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
I wanna be married and have 100 kids
so I can have 100 friends.
And no one can say no to being my friend.
Uh... Oh, okay.
Well, nice talking with you, Michael.
Back to you, Miss Trudy!
Hi, everyone, it's one of my favorite..
Could have sworn there was...
Did you get married?
Uh, no.
Why not?
Uh, it just never happened.
So do you have any kids?
Uh, nope.
Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay.
Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Yes. Even I have a girlfriend.
Okay. All right, okay.
So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
I guess not.
You know, I have a load of work to do.
So I am going to grab a slice
of this delish pizza.
And I'm gonna go do my work.
Bye.
He's not coming out.
He won't pick up the phone.
I can't believe his mom dressed him like that.
That's the real tragedy.
Pam, Pam!
I love this guy.
So, Melissa, I met your mom a couple times.
She's so nice.
Who, Terry? Mmm-hmm.
That woman is not my mother. That is my stepmother.
Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something.
Uh, okay, but first that's not my name.
You're ugly.
Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid
who got suspended from school, so...
Meredith!
Yeah?
I think these belong to you.
Oh, that's okay. She can keep those.
Believe me, she has enough toys.
She doesn't need your watch.
Thank you.
Is everything okay?
You have to ask me that
because you work for human resources.
That's true.
You know, sure, playing the field is great.
Don't get me wrong.
But there's more to life
than notches on my bedpost.
Tell me something honestly.
Do you think that it is too late
for me to have kids?
Well, you need a wife first or at least a girlfriend.
What about... Not Jan.
Jan. Okay.
If you really wanna have kids,
I guess you could somehow.
Foster parent or something.
Or biologically.
Somehow.
Thanks, that's...
No, that really means a lot to me.
Hey, does Sasha have a godfather?
Because... Yes.
Okay.
Is it okay if I take one?
Sure.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Is your job hard?
It's not too bad.
I get to shred things sometimes.
Do you wanna see?
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Um, here it is.
Don't put your fingers in there.
Cool, huh? That's so cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get to do this, like, every week.
That's so awesome.
Yes, it is true.
I, Michael Scott, am signing up
with an online dating service.
Thousands of people have done it,
and I am going to do it.
I need a user name.
And I have a great one.
Littlekidlover.
That was people will know
exactly where my priorities are at.
Go ahead.
Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight?
Oh man, I would love to.
I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time?
What are you doing? You never have plans.
Thanks, Kev.
Um, I'm actually going on a date.
Nice.
Hey, uh, no, please.
You can't leave yet.
There's still one more thing we need to do.
Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't
know how to play it?
I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.
My theory is that...
And they do.
Your parents love you very much.
One more time.
The Schroots considered children very valuable.
In the olden days
the women would bear many children
so we would have enough laborers to work the fields.
And if it was an especially cold winter
and there weren't enough grains or vegetables,
they would eat the weakest of the brood.
No!
They didn't eat the children.
It never came to that.