The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 19 - Michael's Birthday - full transcript

So Phil recruited me to sell these cards,
and now I am recruiting you.
Who is this guy again?
He drives a Corvette. He is doing just fine.
Okay, calling cards are the wave of the future.
These things sell themselves.
Who uses calling cards anymore?
You know what, that's a nice attitude, Ryan.
I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.
Yes. Thank you. You will get rich quick.
We all will.
Didn't you lose a lot of money
on that other investment... the one from the email?
You know what, Toby, when the son
of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly
asking for help, you help.
His father ran the freaking country, okay?
All right.
So raise your hand if you want to get rich.
All right. No.
Um, how is this not a pyramid scheme?
All right, let me explain again.
Phil has recruited me and another guy.
Now we are getting three people each.
The more people that get involved,
the more people
who are investing,
and the more money we're all gonna make.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's not even a scheme, per se, it's...
I have to go make a call.
Happy birthday, Michael. Oh ho ho.
What?
I said happy birthday.
Thank you. That's really nice.
Today is my b-day and people around here
just go crazy for it.
I don't know why.
Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria.
So I have a perfect icebreaker
if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.
You excited?
Mm-hmm.
Everybody freaking out?
Mm-hmm. Cool.
Gonna be fun. You're late.
But I forgive you because "doth it is my birthday."
What's up?
Oh, happy birthday.
Ah, thank you, sir.
Michael's birthday.
It's pretty fun to watch, actually.
He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake.
And then he runs around the office.
Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon.
And then he falls asleep.
And that's when we get our work done.
Did you hear anything yet?
No. I'm still waiting.
Yeah. Yes.
There he is, the birthday boy.
Oh, God. Birthday hug.
No, no, no. New suit.
Please. That suit is amazing.
Thank you very much. It is from Italy.
Actually, no, Bulgaria.
Maybe I should get one.
Good luck. One of a kind.
EBay. Question.
May I be in charge
of the party planning festivities?
Not necessary.
The party planning committee is all over it.
They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday.
Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...
Don't. No. Please.
Don't want to spoil it for anybody.
Spoil the surprise.
Let's get the party started.
Let's get the party started.
Not the way I taught you.
When should we bring out the cake?
1:00 or 1:30?
1:00's good. 1:30.
I'm sorry. Are we boring you?
Party planning committee, listen up.
Michael would like trick candles
for his birthday cake.
So make that a priority.
Where do we get those?
Not my problem.
Here's a list of things
that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Michael wants a strippergram?
Yes, but he doesn't want to know when or whom.
No.
This is a closed door meeting.
Yeah.
Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Oh, great. Put her through.
Hello, Michael.
Hey, you.
I'm returning your call. You said it was urgent.
It is urgent.
I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Well, today's not my birthday, so.
Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.
Happy birthday, Michael.
Thanks.
Am I on camera?
Nope. Totally private.
You can say whatever is in your heart.
You can take a five if you want.
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Man, I'm so sorry.
When do you find out?
They said this afternoon.
They're waiting on a second opinion. Oh, okay.
Second opinion on what?
I might have skin cancer.
Oh, no.
I was watching Grey's Anatomy,
and there was a lifeguard on it.
And he had skin cancer too. Kelly, you know what...
I never really thought about death
until Princess Diana died.
That was the saddest funeral ever.
That and my sister's.
Who brought in donuts?
Somebody got donuts for my birthday.
Happy birthday.
You didn't know it was my birthday.
I guess I forgot.
Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
You serious?
Skin cancer is treatable.
Right. It's gonna be okay.
You don't know it's going to be okay.
Don't give him false hope.
It's probably nothing though.
Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott.
Here we go.
Okay, this is great.
Thank you, my friends. She is perfect.
Uh.
Dwight, may I have your chair, please?
And some singles, if you will.
All right.
Okay.
Um...
All right. This has arms.
Is that gonna be, uh... Is that all right?
Sure.
Okay.
I'm so nervous.
I can sign for it.
Oh, thanks.
When I was seven,
my mother hired a pony and a cart
to come to my house for all the kids.
And I got a really bad rash
from the pony.
And all the kids got to ride the pony.
And I had to go inside.
And my mother was rubbing cream on me
for probably three hours.
And I never came outside.
And by the time I got out,
the pony was already in the truck
and around the corner.
So that was my worst birthday.
Stop it. Stop! What is that?
It's For The Longest Time by William Joel.
It's your favorite song.
Yeah, when it's on the radio.
My birthday blows.
Nobody even signed my birthday poster.
Apparently my mother is the only one
who cares enough to send me anything.
I probably care more than she does.
You're making it worse.
I bet Luke Perry's friends
don't treat him like this.
When does he hear?
Sometime today.
Poor Kevin.
If I knew I had a week to live,
I would probably go to Europe...
and South America...
and the Grand Canyon...
and I would want to see the Pacific Ocean.
It would be a pretty busy week.
Uh, that's a list price of $4.50.
Unfortunately, this item is on back order.
Michael! Michael!
Michael, Michael, Michael.
Come here, come here, come here.
Listen up, everyone.
It is 11:23 exactly.
The exact moment
when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.
So, huh?
Have a seat, please. Oh, God.
There is a tradition that the Hebrews have
of hoisting the birthday boy
up on a chair.
So come over, help me celebrate
Michael's birth moment.
Kevin. No, no, no.
I'll do it.
Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
I feel like we should go get Kevin something.
Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Maybe, but we're going to need somebody
to create a diversion.
On three we're gonna hoist away! Ready?
Happy birth moment, Michael.
Thank you.
One, two, three.
Whoa, whoa. All right. All right.
Watch it, please.
It wasn't me.
Okay, that is not an eight-foot sub.
We don't make an eight-foot sub.
This is eight one-foot subs.
F.
All right, what's the damage?
39.60.
39.
60.
Why tip someone for a job
I'm capable of doing myself?
I can deliver food.
I can drive a taxi.
I can and do cut my own hair.
I did, however, tip my urologist
because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Here they come.
Get in here.
Come and get it. Everybody.
Birthday party subs. My gift to you.
What is this?
Baloney, tomato, and ketchup. The best.
These are all the same. Yes.
Baloney? I don't eat baloney.
Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup.
Still good. No.
Just the bread. It's fresh baked.
No.
- Get whatever you want. - You can choke on it.
When I was 16,
I was supposed to go out on a date
with a girl named Julie.
But there was another Michael in the class
that she apparently thought the date was with.
So she went out with him on my birthday.
And she got him a cake at the restaurant.
And it wasn't even his birthday.
But I heard about it the next day in school.
So that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.
So we got Kev some stuff.
Um, party pack of M&Ms, his favorite candy.
A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie.
And he lent it to Creed.
So I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
69 Cup of Noodles.
Which we realize sounds crass,
but it is his favorite number.
And his favorite lunch.
Hey, temp, you know, uh,
we still got five feet of sandwich left.
Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Hell, yeah.
Save room for ice cream cake.
Thank you. Oh, I got it.
The party planner committee.
This is the most important day of the year.
I can't risk anything.
Fine.
What about that meeting later
to discuss finances?
Yes.
But don't expect any cookie.
But what if I'm hungry?
No cookie.
What?
You use fabric softener?
Yeah. You don't? No, I do.
Okay.
Hello. Hey.
Kevin.
Respect the birthday, please.
No, not yet. I will. Thanks.
It was just Stacey. Are you done?
Good.
Okay. Here we go.
Make a wish. I'm gonna...
blow out the candles. Okay.
Mmm.
Yeah! Yay!
I asked for trick candles.
Pam was supposed to get them.
Well, when she comes back, we'll do it again.
Hello.
What about the birthday boy?
Haven't had a hug all day.
No one cares about your birthday.
Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Ha, that sucks.
Great.
Wow, that's good timing.
Sorry. That's terrible. Terrible news.
That's terrible...
terrible news for both of us.
We should probably head back. Yeah. Okay.
Oh, I dare you to make an announcement.
You dare me? How old are you?
Just quit stalling.
Luke, this is your father.
Come set the table for dinner.
Such a dork.
Jim Halpert,
price check on fabric softener.
The kind...
Ma'am, please don't touch that.
That is not a toy.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
How old are you?
I hate you.
Honestly, is there any way
you can get on your fiancee's plan?
Our health plan is... it's terrible.
There you are. Good news.
Did some research.
It turns out that 98%
of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Still scary.
Yeah. But it's not brain cancer.
And it shouldn't stop us from having fun.
You know what they say the best medicine is.
Well, the doctor said a combination
of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
And laughter also.
I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Why are you here?
I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
I work here.
"I work here." All right.
Well, you know what,
since Toby doesn't speak for everybody
and I am your boss,
I think you should just go home.
Take the rest of the afternoon off.
Take a sick day.
If I go home now,
I'll just drive myself crazy.
Well, you're pretty much
driving everybody else here crazy.
Crazy with worry.
Where have you been?
And don't say the bathroom,
'cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Well, that's an invasion of privacy.
So I'm going to tell Michael.
Please don't.
You owe me.
Excuse me, everyone.
Attention, please.
Kevin,
we're going to take you to a very special place.
A place that will make you happy
and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Is this trip in any way related
to your birthday?
How dare you, sir? You're gross.
That should not be there.
I'll get someone to take it down.
No, it's all right. It's already up.
Just leave it.
Where's Kevin? Come on.
Let's get our skate on.
Don't be scared. You're good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're good.
Oh, hi.
Think you can let go? No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah!
Is that Michael?
Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life.
I thought about playing in the NHL.
But you're on the road so much.
Get no time to spend with your wife and kids.
And I really want a wife and kids.
Aaaaah!
Ha ha ha ha.
I got it.
Hey, Pam, all the stuff with Kevin,
um, it's pretty scary.
And I'm thinking that next time you're in the shower,
you should check yourself out.
You know, give yourself an exam.
Those things are like ticking time bags.
All right? Think about it.
Something to think about.
Just can't relax about it... Kevin.
Have you heard anything yet?
No, not yet.
Okay, well, Livestrong.
Okay, Michael.
Michael?
Yeah. Carole?
She sold me my condo.
Hey, was this place on the market or...
No, I don't just sell real estate.
My daughter has a skating lesson.
Oh, these all your kids?
No, just the front two.
Oh, hey, guys. What's up? You want to go for a ride?
Is that okay? Sure.
Cool. All right. Grab on.
Here we go. You ready?
Hang on tight. All right.
We are moving. We are really moving now.
Push. Good. That's great. You got it.
'Scuse me.
Hello. Yeah, okay.
All right.
Okay, I will. Thanks.
It's negative.
God.
We're going to beat this, okay?
We're gonna... Come here.
Well, apparently, in the medicine community,
negative means good,
which makes absolutely no sense.
In the real world community,
that would be chaos.
This is awesome.
Thanks, you guys.
Okay, who's this from?
Wowie. Look at that jersey.
Turn it around. Turn it around.
Cool. Oh. Show it.
Great. From Dwight.
Number one! Thank you, Dwight.
That's great. Thanks.
Michael, this is from all of us.
Oh, you didn't need to do that.
Night Swept. This is really amazing.
Thank you.
I love it.
Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool.
It was a good day.
I don't know. It was a good day.