The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 15 - Boys and Girls - full transcript

So... I'm happy to be here.
It's very nice to see all of you.
You're all looking well.
Today's a Women in the Workplace thing.
Jan's coming in from corporate
to talk to all the women about, um...
I don't really know what.
But Michael's not allowed in.
She said that about five times.
Women today, though we have the same options as men,
we often face a very different set of obstacles...
in getting there, so...
Hey, what's going on?
Michael, I... Yeah, you know what?
I thought we agreed... I thought about it.
I just have few things I wanna say.
What are you doing?
Just hear me out.
What is more important than quality?
Equality.
Now, studies show that today's woman,
the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her,
is at a crossroads.
Michael... And... no, just, I...
You have come a long way, baby.
But I just...
just wanna keep it within reason.
They did this up in Albany...
You are not allowed in... And they ended up turning the break room
into a lactation room, which is disgusting.
Now you're really not allowed in this session.
Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like...
I'm your boss.
Anybody want any coffee or anything?
We're fine, Michael.
We just need you to leave, please.
Women in the workplace.
Yeah, translation:
I have been banned from my own conference room
so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.
Oh, sorry. "Women of the Workplace."
About what? I don't know.
Clothes, me...
Ick.
Ladies, I am so,
so sorry.
Can we... start again? We were on such a roll.
I-I really apologize for that. Jan.
Yes, Pam?
Michael's still at the door.
Michael!
So one obstacle is how assertiveness
is perceived differently in men and women.
Men who are assertive tend to be admired.
They're called... anyone?
That's a terrible idea.
What is?
Them in there all together.
They stay in there too long,
they're gonna get on the same cycle.
Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Everyone, guys...
Circle up, please.
Come on over. Bring your chairs.
Toby, come on over.
You're a guy... too. Sort of.
Let's do this.
Well, first of all,
I, uh, just wanna warm up a little bit.
Let's just clap.
Let's just clap. Ready?
Yeah!
Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!
I don't know what you're doing here, Michael.
Just having a little guys in the workplace thing.
Why can't boys play with dolls?
Why does society
force us to use urinals
when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
We have nowhere else, Jan.
This...
We could do it in the warehouse.
Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.
Okay, fine. Be actually perfect.
Perfect! You know what?
There is another side to this place, gentlemen.
And I know we all love
our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office.
But do you realize that underneath us
there is another world.
The warehouse world.
A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt
and life.
Life.
The bowels of the office.
These guys are down there.
They are real men doing real man's work.
We are going to learn how a warehouse works.
Oh, I think this is gonna work out great.
Because managing the warehouse
is a very important part of my job.
And I haven't been there in months.
Remember on Lost, when they met the Others?
I'm so sorry about that.
Um, so where were we?
Pam, are you okay taking notes then?
Mm-hmm. Please?
Yeah. Thank you very much.
So let's meet the warehouse!
Let's get some shots.
Pan around there.
This is Darrell, one of our warehouse staff.
Darrell, what is your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is that someone will distract us
from getting all the shipments out on time.
You know what?
Darrell is actually the foreman here,
and not Roy, which is cool.
There's Roy, ridin' the big rig!
Um, so Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam
sometime this summer.
And, uh, she's our receptionist.
Sort of a BrAngelina thing.
Why?
BrAnangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina.
I don't understand. Roy... Roy and Pam.
It's a Ram.
It's a Ram thing.
I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam.
I bet he'll try
to beat you up.
Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
I got your back if he does.
But try to stay out of it.
Just in case there's somebody down here
who shouldn't be.
A little Good Will Hunting situation.
All right, troops.
This is... an important day. A big day.
Now, you may
look around and see two groups here.
White-collar, blue-collar.
But I don't see it that way.
And you know why not?
Because I am collar-blind.
Why don't we go around the table
and all say something that we know we're good at.
I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Hi, I'm Meredith, and I'm an al...
Good at supplier relations.
Great. Phyllis.
Um, I'm good at computer stuff.
E-mails, um, spreadsheets, all that.
Really?
I don't know. I thought that...
No, okay, stop.
You know, I've seen some of your spreadsheets.
And I almost always... Really?
I thought they were pretty...
I don't know how I fit in with these women.
Here.
Or with Jan.
Um, I mean, we get along great.
Fine.
Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with
is...
Jim.
Halpert.
Hey, uh,
I, uh, you know.
Heard there's a rumor going around about,
you know, you used to have a crush on Pam.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no. No, it's cool.
'Cause I know you're a good guy,
and I know that that crush
ended a long time ago, so, you know.
We're cool, right?
Yeah. No, yeah, definitely.
You know, it's great with me,
'cause that way...
I'm glad she has a friend at work
she can get through the day with.
That way she's not all, "Bah, bah, bah, bah,"
you know, when she gets home.
Yeah, I like talking to her too.
So, uh... we're cool, right?
Yes. Yeah.
Good. All right.
Cool, man. Sweet.
Hey, Mike, look.
How about we go upstairs, too, you know?
Learn how an office works.
Oh, well... We can both switch places for the day.
Okay, yeah, you know what?
I don't... you're...
My job sucks compared to this.
I don't think you'd like it up there. Good experience.
Guys! You wanna start unloading the truck?
Okay, let's go. Step up.
Check this out.
Look at that. Look at that.
Ba boop!
"Hello, how are..."
Okay.
That's great.
That is good stuff.
In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
That is an excellent goal.
4 1/2.
I'll tell you one thing.
I am not gonna be one of those women
schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Great. Uh-huh.
I want an SUV with three rows of seats.
That would be great.
Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals
of these women's seminars
is to feel out if there's any standouts.
Women who could be a valuable addition to our corporate life.
Michael wants us to bond.
So we need topics for conversation.
Ponies.
No.
How about rainbows?
No.
Flowers.
That's dangerous, Michael.
Come on, get down from there.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Mike... Stand clear.
Mike, get off of the lift, please!
I'm fine, I'm fine. Come on, now.
I'm fine.
Would you... look.
Oh, oh, oh!
We'll get somebody to clean that up.
We're the ones that gotta clean that up!
Damn it, Michael!
We have to have this thing serviced.
So, guys' gripe session.
Here we are.
Now, we definitely live
in different worlds,
but we have a lot in common.
We even like the same girls,
some of us.
And that's gonna happen.
You know, we're guys.
So...
Hey... do you want me to go?
No... why would I...
You could...
I'll go.
Stay or...
And a big, walk-in closet.
Oh, that's part of my dream too.
Oh, me too.
Great. Okay.
And, Pam, what about you?
What is your dream?
Well... I always dreamed of a house
with a terrace upstairs.
Plant flowers on it, stuff like that.
Since I was a girl.
Um...
More seriously, though,
a husband that I love.
Roy.
And...
I love to draw.
And I did a little in college.
And I'd still love to do something
where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.
She's real good.
You know, the company is offering
a design training program in New York.
Well, I have a job right now.
So I can't really take time off.
Well, it's... it's only on weekends.
And then a few weeks in New York.
But I'm sure that I could ask corporate to help you out.
Well, it's just that
the weekends aren't good because, um...
There are always a million reasons not to do something.
Let's start with the warehouse.
What bothers you as guys? You know?
My priority is safety.
Okay.
So it really bothers me when somebody
comes in here speeding around on a lift,
playing with it like a toy.
It kind of gets under my skin, okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh, shh.
Uh-uh, don't... don't shush me.
I... that was just...
That bothers me too. I was breathing.
Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
I hate shushing, you know? That's the thing.
What b... okay. What is our...
beef as... human men.
You know, that's a good question, Hasselhoff.
Okay. What bugs us?
All right, good.
Guys raggin' on each other.
That's what guys do. And we love it.
All right, let's talk about...
clothing.
I'm excited about today.
I love girl talk.
Dress for the job you want,
not the job you have.
All right, you can use your clothing
to send a message about your ambitions
by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be.
I'm not gaining anything from this seminar.
I'm a professional woman.
The head of accounting.
I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life.
I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this.
And apparently... judging from her outfit...
Jan aspires to be a whore.
I hate it when girls insist
on taking them out to restaurants
every weekend night, and then they're like,
"When are we gonna go on a date date?"
Oh, I hate that, too, man.
Exactly!
That sucks so hard.
And then they make you drive 'em to church the next morning.
Like, gas ain't free!
Yeah, on our salaries, man,
what do they expect, you know?
What, "take us out every weekend"?
You know what I mean?
We're not millionaires. I feel you.
No, you don't. You don't feel us.
How can you? You... you know what?
Not literally.
You say we're the same,
but we get compensated very differently.
Yes. We work the same hours as you,
and you just said we work a lot harder.
Uh, you do, so...
But we get paid a lot less.
Nn... yy... Word.
Like, next to no benefits.
I know. God, what is that?!
Exactly!
It blows, it blows, man!
You know, this would not happen
if we had a union.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah... no. Absolutely, that's what we need.
Man, see, that's what I been sayin', man.
We need to do this finally.
You know what? Is that necessary?
'Cause you already sort of have a union of guys.
It's more than necessary, Mike.
We need this. Roy... you still have that card
from the dock worker's union?
Dock workers? Man, hook him up.
Come on, man!
Yeah.
You know what, I think, uh...
Problem is the chicks.
Union, yeah! The problem is the chicks.
And you gotta blame them.
Are you with us, Mike?
Yeah, s...
Welcome to the warehouse.
Mi-chael!
Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
Another issue is inequality of pay
between men and women.
I'm sure that all of you have dealt with that before.
This is important.
Ladies, take a breather.
Jan, I, uh...
wanted...
Can I help you?
Um, I wanted to say that the guys downstairs
are thinking about forming a union.
And they have some good points. What? A union?
Don't get hysterical. I'm not.
Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.
Let's... be... rational... here.
What are the pros, what are the cons?
The cons are that everyone will lose their job, Michael.
Everyone. Office, warehouse.
What do you think the... pros... are... here?
Don't talk to me that way, please.
Just... they're gonna wanna hear this from you.
Oh, you got yourself into this, Michael,
so you get yourself out. Well, we're bonding down there.
I just don't wanna have to tell them something
they're not gonna wanna hear!
Now who's getting hysterical?
Okay... Come on Jan.
After all we've been through.
Michael, Michael... We have history.
We have a history. Michael.
Between us.
Don't say another word.
Get... yourself... down... stairs.
I'm just saying that we have something...
Okay, whatever.
You know what?
We could get this done a lot quicker
if we formed a type of assembly line.
This here is a run-out-the-clock situation.
Just like upstairs.
Sports metaphors
are one of the ways women feel left out
of the language of the office.
Now, I know this might sound silly,
but many women ask to go over it.
So... fumble means...
Mistake. Slip. Right.
Par for the course is a golf term.
It means right on track.
Uh, below par means worse.
Wait, that should mean better. That doesn't make sense.
What about second base?
Like if Michael said he got to second base with you?
Does that mean you had closed a deal?
Excuse me?
I mean, that's a baseball term, right?
I don't know what... Michael was...
talking about, I don't know.
Like, you went to Chili's,
and he got to second base with you.
Excuse me.
Kelly, I don't know what Michael was talking about.
He just told everybody, and I just wanna know...
Hey.
Hey!
How's it going down there?
It's a complete d... Well, actually,
it's exactly what you'd expect, so...
Right.
How are the girls? Good.
We watched a video about our changing bodies.
Did you really?
No. Oh.
Almost.
Um, but, hey, um... something kind of cool.
There's this internship in graphic design
that Jan was telling us about.
She made it sound, like, really great.
Nice. Well, what's it all about?
I think you should do it.
That's great.
It's really cool.
Cold front comin' in to the warehouse!
Uh-oh!
Better put on your ski boots!
Wooooow!
Happy New Year, Darrell!
Hey, Darrell!
You ever done this?
Are you married?
I'm divorced.
That must have been hard. It was.
Yes.
You were probably feeling really depressed and sad,
and that's why you did that thing with Michael.
I think you should all spend a little more time
thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Mmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.
At least you don't have kids.
You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Okay, let's take five. I think we could all use five.
How can someone so beautiful be so sad?
Hi.
Did you take care of the situation?
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, I... I have... essentially...
Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, I've take...
I'm told that there's been some interest
in forming a union, and that Michael supported it.
Obviously he's not a friend of yours,
because he didn't tell you the facts.
So let me.
If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch,
I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that.
They unionized in Pittsfield,
and we all know what happened in Pittsfield.
It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees
and union dues, and that'll be nothing
compared to the cost of losing your jobs.
So I would think long and hard before
sacrificing your savings and your futures
just to send a message.
If you have any further questions,
you can direct them to...
To Michael.
Dreams are just that. They're dreams.
They help get you through the day.
Like the thing about the terrace.
It's nice.
But, um... I don't know.
It was just something I read in this book when I was 12.
Uh, the girl in the book has a terrace
outside of her bedroom.
And she planted flowers on it.
And I just loved that.
Just always kind of stuck with me.
So you're not doing it?
How did you know?
Why not?
Just not... no big reason.
Just a bunch of little reasons.
Come on.
Roy's right.
There's no guarantee it's gonna lead to anything anyway.
Roy said that?
What? You have something you wanna say?
You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.
I mean, do you wanna be a receptionist here, always?
Oh, excuse me!
I'm fine with my choices.
You are?
Yeah.
It's impractical.
I'm not gonna... try to get a house like that.
Um, they don't even make houses like that in Scranton.
So I'm never gonna...
Just gonna push this over there!
This is not a good idea right here.
Easy does it. Okay.
Pizza.
Great equalizer.
Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza.
White people love pizza. Black people love pizza.
Do black people like pizza?
Hey... um...
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
Sometimes, Jan...
can be such a bitch.
Hey, watch it. Watch it.
We have a relationship.
Thank you to our hosts.
Hey, Michael!
This ain't over.
Excellent.
Is it good to be back? Yeah.
I mean, I love the guy stuff, but...
to run an office, you need men and women.
You know why?
Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension
to keep things interesting.
Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam.
Uh, hold, please.
Snow angel! Snow angel!