The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 16 - Valentine's Day - full transcript

I really like Valentine's Day
in this office.
It's kind of like grade school.
Everybody gives out little presents and stuff.
Like last year,
Jim gave me this card with Dwight's head on it.
It was horrifying and funny.
Phyllis.
You could just sign here.
Roy and I are saving for the wedding,
so I made him promise not to get me anything too big.
Happy Valentine's Day, Darling,
love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Isn't he sweet? Yeah. Wow.
All right, Dwight.
As you know, I'm heading to New York today
doing a presentation on the branch
to the new CFO.
And you want me to come with you. No.
Opposite of that.
I will stay here and run things on this end.
Very good.
Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?
I probably will. Why do you ask?
Well, it's Valentine's Day.
And you guys, you know...
Yeah.
Screwed.
What is your problem?
This is a business trip.
I would have to be a raving lunatic
to try to talk to Jan
about what happened between us.
Her words, not mine.
She sent me an e-mail this morning.
But it is Valentine's Day.
It's New York, city of love.
Hey, Pam, you heart NY, right?
You want me to pick you up anything?
That's okay.
All right.
The best present would be
you do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Dude, I'm going to nail it.
Me in New York? Oh, I own that city.
Fo'get abou' it!
See ya!
Well, here we go on our way to New York.
New York, New York.
The city so nice, they named it twice.
Manhattan is the other name.
So I broke up with Katy
and haven't been dating anybody else.
So this year,
I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day.
It's gonna be good.
I invited a couple friends over.
We're gonna play some cards.
And I'll end up winning a lot of money
because they're idiots.
It's gonna be great.
What's this? What is this?
I don't know. It's on your desk.
Yeah, but who put it here
and for what purpose?
It was there when I sat down.
Happy Valentine's Day.
It's me.
I'm the bobble-head.
Yes!
Ah!
Yeah.
The meeting isn't till 3:00.
But I always like to come to New York
a little bit early
and hit some of my favorite haunts.
Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint.
And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice.
Hey, Kelly. What's up?
Nothing. Oh. Except, oh my God, Jim.
Last night, Ryan and I totally finally hooked up.
It was awesome.
Oh, that's great. I'm really happy for you.
I know. And it was so funny.
'Cause we were at this bar with his friends.
And I was sitting next to him the whole night.
And he wasn't making a move.
So in my head, I was like, Ryan,
what's taking you so long?
And then he kissed me.
And I didn't know what to say.
So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?"
I mean, I just said it to him. Can you believe that?
Wow.
Oh my God, Jim. Is that embarrassing?
I'm embarrassed.
No, don't be.
Oh, thank God.
Because I was nervous, Jim.
You will not believe.
I bet.
I was so nervous.
But now... now I have a boyfriend.
I hooked up with her on February 13th.
Here it is. Heart of New York City.
Times Square.
Named for the good times you have
when you're in it.
Most people when they come to New York,
they go straight to the Empire State Building.
That's very touristy. I come here.
Great places to eat.
We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there.
You know.
This is... this is the heart of civilization right here.
Whoa.
Oh.
Guess what?
Really? Mm-hmm.
They're from Bob again. That's great.
Everybody takes the subway in New York.
It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time.
It's a way to...
Okay, there's a guy pooping
in a cardboard box down there.
This is the world-famous Rockefeller Center.
Founded, of course, by Theodore Rockefeller.
This is the skating rink.
And I think the Rangers practice there sometimes.
And it's... that's Tina Fey.
That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live.
Hello. Hello.
Hi. Oh, I'm s... I'm sorry.
I thought you were... Okay.
She looked like... she looked a lot like Tina Fey.
Hello. Hello.
I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't.
Are you serious?
He was here?
When? When I was talking to the fake Tina Fey?
Come on! No, s...
Hello, Angela. Did you her?
Somebody totally rocked the house
and got me the best present I've ever gotten.
Really? I wouldn't know anything about that.
But I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, I did. I did.
I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.
Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.
Really? Well, I hope I do.
I would love to live in New York some day.
It's a big dream of mine.
Work corporate with Jan.
Be awesome.
Go to Broadway shows, eat hotdogs.
Scranton is great,
but New York is like Scranton on acid.
No, on speed. Nah.
On steroids.
Okay. Um, I think...
that's either the Hudson or the East.
So we're back... should be back this way.
There is a lot of pressure on me right now.
It's like Michael Jordan in the NBA finals
or like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf.
And this presentation is Desert Storm.
And as soon as it's over,
we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore.
Let's do it.
No, that's all right. Spend money on her instead of giving it to us.
That's fine.
No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway.
Yeah.
All right, man.
Okay, have a good night. Bye.
Whoa, whoa.
Phyllis Lapin?
Holy God. It's from Bob.
Man, that thing's bigger than I am.
No, it's not. Oh, zip it.
There they are.
What's up?
Hey. Hey hey.
Michael Scott. Josh Porter.
Hi five.
Bam.
You know Dan Gordon from Buffalo.
Yeah, how you doing?
Nobody needs to introduce this guy.
Craigers.
Oh. What's up, buddy?
You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany,
is that true? Guilty. Yeah.
So what's going on? What'd I miss?
Not much. They're, uh, I guess running late upstairs.
So we're just waiting for the presentations.
Cool. Good. Good. Good.
Give us some time to catch up and...
Pam, hi. How you doing? Good.
Listen, uh, may I speak with you...
privately?
You can't fire me, Dwight,
just 'cause Michael's not here.
No, Pam, just, um...
Just...
You need to get something for your girlfriend?
Girlfriend. Yes.
And the reason I didn't get anything
for this particular person... who shall remain nameless...
is that she's not really the kind of person
you'd think would be in to Valentine's Day.
She's kind of...
Tightly wound?
Exactly.
Okay.
Well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture,
you know, like what it means
instead of what it is.
You mean like a ham?
No.
Not like a ham.
It's about doing something so that the person knows
that you really care about her.
That you remember her. Okay, I get it. That's great.
Okay, shut up. I know exactly what to do.
How about you, Craig?
Did you lose anyone?
Oh man. Jan called me in September.
And she's like you gotta fire four people.
And I was just like, what? You know.
Did you?
No. I just ignored her.
She's the worst.
She is our boss.
She ain't my boss, dude.
I don't work for that bitch.
Hey, ca... ca... come on.
You know, that's not... Just cool it.
You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Maybe because she's my girlfriend.
Was or not my girlfriend.
We hooked up and...
You hooked up with Jan?
That was just, you know, months ago.
It was just once.
God, it's just stupid.
Just forget it.
Yeah, let's change the subject.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know what he's thinking,
but I would just be so psyched
if we just dated forever.
Well, take it slow.
'Cause it seems like a lot of the time,
things like that need to...
Soda.
Cool.
Hey, so do you want to do something tonight?
Oh, no, not while I'm here.
I mean, I know that it's Valentine's Day or whatever,
but there's totally no pressure at all
of any kind whatsoever.
I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Okay. That's cool.
I completely understand. Okay. Cool.
Okay.
Josh Porter, Stanford.
And Michael Scott, Scranton.
Nice to meet you. Ditto.
How are you, Jan?
Fine, Michael. Thank you.
Okay. So we are in the process
of doing a complete review
of the company's financial strength.
All I'd like to do today...
Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.
Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying
if I didn't say I was a little nervous.
Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too.
And, well, it is Michael.
So, yeah, I'm very nervous.
So with the 12 new local accounts,
we had a total of 4% organic growth,
which was just above our pre-year targets.
Thanks very much. Thank you.
Okay, Michael.
What is a business?
Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports?
Sure.
But as you know,
David and Jan,
it is much more.
Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And that's the way we like it.
'Cause at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton,
we're not just in the paper business,
we're in the people business.
Let's meet some of the folks
who make the Scranton branch so special.
This is Stanley Hudson,
one of our talented salesmen.
An African-American father of two,
Stanley's dedication
is no doubt one of the hallmarks
of the foundation of the business
we're hoping to build our basis on.
Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office,
edited it together on my Mac.
Was thinking about entering it in some festivals.
Probably won't.
You know, not what this is about.
And finally, Pam Beesly.
Look at her.
Look how cute.
Not bad at all.
As the receptionist,
Pam is truly the gateway to our world.
Well, I hope this gave you a little taste
of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes.
Or try on Phyllis' pants.
Next time you're in town, give us a call.
Stop on by.
I'm sure you'll be greeted by a big smile
and a "How you doing, pal?"
Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies.
And you'll know that you're home.
Great Scott!
Questions.
Wow.
Okay. Okay, thank you, Michael.
That was great. Yes, thank you.
But for right now,
what I'd really like to know about
is the branch's performance.
So do you have that information as well?
Yes, absolutely, David.
Get that for you.
Can you sign?
Yeah.
Oscar.
Nothing for me?
Join the club.
Who's it from?
My mom.
It's frustrating 'cause we'd be
so perfect together.
You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly.
It would be really nice if he was into you, right?
It would be great.
But he isn't.
Yeah, but it would be so great if he was.
Well, he's not though.
So you just gotta suck it up.
You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun.
Come to my poker game tonight.
Okay, cool.
Is it okay if I invite Ryan?
And that about does it. Thank you.
Okay. Craig.
Yeah. Here's the deal.
I did not understand this was supposed to be
a full on like report or whatnot.
I'm sorry.
What did you think "financial presentation" meant?
I was under the impression
this was more of like a meet-and-greet type deal.
So does that mean that you don't have
the numbers on your branch?
That is correct. Yes.
Craig, you realize
that we are trying to decide whether drastic steps
need to be taken.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Well, the point is that this doesn't exactly
bode well for your branch.
Oh, man.
You know what? Michael made that stupid movie.
He doesn't get in any trouble.
Maybe I should've slept with you too.
Okay. Okay. All right.
No, no, no, I'm not... I just...
I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael.
I mean, I'm probably going to get fired.
No, you're not.
Michael, the CFO thinks that we slept together.
Don't you understand? People get fired for much less.
And I just can't believe
that you told everybody.
And we didn't even sleep together.
Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed.
Oh, God.
Michael, it was months ago. It was once.
It's over.
Do you understand?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'll fix this. I'll talk to him.
I'll talk to David.
Surely, you cannot be serious.
I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
Airplane.
Women are like wolves.
If you want a wolf, you have to trap it.
You have to snare it.
And then you have to tame it.
Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it.
Lovingly the way an animal deserves to be loved.
And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Hey, babe.
You, uh, almost ready to go?
I guess, yeah.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
It's just that I had to sit here all day
while Phyllis got like an entire garden
delivered to her.
What, you're mad at me?
I mean, I know that we said no big gifts,
but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something
for Valentine's Day.
Well, Valentine's Day isn't over.
Let's get you home,
and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.
You understand this is a very serious situation.
No, no, no. Yes, I... Okay, well...
All right, here's the deal.
This is my fault. This is totally on me.
Before you guys came in,
I was talking to the guys, we were all chatting.
And I made a joke.
A really dumb joke.
And Craig the idiot took it seriously.
You made a joke? I did.
It was stupid.
And Craig, you saw him,
he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Although he is a tool.
Well, I don't need to explain to you
that even a joke about sexual relations
with your boss...
I know. It was borderline at best.
And... and Jan is a fantastic executive
and has all the integrity in the world.
And, um, I'm really sorry.
It'll never happen again.
Uh, it's fine.
Let's just, uh, just forget it.
Good.
Heading out?
Yeah.
All right, Beesly.
Hey, happy Valentine's Day.
Bye.
Good night, Pam.
Night, Phyllis.
Uh, Michael.
Thank you again for that, really.
It was very nice.
Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Oh, no. It's... it's okay.
So, uh, happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
Oh.
Oi vey... schmear.