The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 4 - Taffy Days - full transcript

Thanks for coming, Mrs. Trundle.

Without you, the second shrimp platter

would have gone completely to waste.

You know,

having 50 old people say
great things about your dad

is exhausting.

Trying to convince them
you're not the hired help

is no picnic, either.

You didn't complain
when they tipped you.

Money's money.

That Eunice was a hoot.



After we straightened out
the kink in her oxygen tube.

I got asked out by your
dad's 75-year-old cousin.

Of course, he kept calling me Esther

and asking me what heaven was like.

(laughter)

We don't mean to laugh on
such a sad occasion, Oscar.

OSCAR: Oh, no,

he would have wanted us to laugh.

You know how he was.

He was the best.

Yeah, I loved that man.

So, how are you holding up?

Pretty good.

I feel lucky that we



were on good terms after
we reconnected last year.

You're welcome.

And I made sure to call him a lot.

At my insistence.

And said all the things
we needed to say.

Also me.

Felix, keep it up

and you can be the next picture.

Oscar, just remember,

the grieving process can be tricky

and it can take longer than you think.

Yeah, Tuesday mornings
are going to be rough.

That's when Walter and I
had our weekly video chats.

Seriously, Murph?

Yeah.

We got real close last year.

He called it Tuesdays with Murphy.

(crying)

There, there, buddy.

I'm sorry my dad died.

Here, have a sucker.

I love how you put your dad's
candy all over the place.

Well, making candy was his life.

He would have wanted us to enjoy it.

It's like every holiday
rolled into one around here.

(Teddy chuckles)

Oh, and death.

Oscar.

Need I remind you of your
recent trip to the dentist?

And what did she say, hmm?

That you shouldn't be allowed

in the exam room with me?

No, that your tooth was infected

and to avoid sweets.

Luckily, I am here to make
sure you follow her orders.

I believe her first order was,

"Get away from his mouth, Felix,
you're not a dentist."

DANI: Oscar, it's time

for the video conference
with your dad's lawyer.

Guys, why don't we

give him some space and clean up.

(cell phone buzzes)

It's my wife asking when
I'm going to be home.

"Gonna be a while."

"Very emotional day."

Ooh, I got dibs on the mini quiche!

(whispering): Hey!

I'm worried about Oscar.

He's putting on his brave face,
but I can tell

he's avoiding his pain...
both dental and mental.

I think he's coping pretty well.

Yeah, he's holding up
better than I would be.

I cry when my phone dies.

You can't see it,
but as his dearest friend,

I can tell you he is
crying out for help.

I don't know...

OSCAR: Felix, I need you!

Well, well.

What can I do for you,
my fragile friend?

Make the lawyer face happen.

Nope.

(computer program beeps)

LAWYER (on computer): Oscar?

Stanley Barnes.

Nice to meet you,

though I'm sorry about
the circumstances.

I loved your dad.

Oh, thanks.

He was one of a kind.

So let's cut to the chase: your
father was a very wealthy man.

Crazy, crazy wealthy.

What? Are you sure?

Yes, and he's leaving it all to you.

All $300 million and...

Oh, wait.

No, wrong... wrong file.

Ah, here we go.

Your dad had...

next to nothing.

Yeah, that's more like it.

He did have one last request:
that you scatter his ashes

in the river behind
his first candy factory.

I remember that place.

When I was a kid we used
to swim in that river.

Until my eyebrows fell out
and my grades started to drop.

What a touching memory.

So about the ashes...

your dad asked that you scatter them

with someone named Patty Dombrowski.

Really? His old business partner?

They haven't spoken in 30 years.

Ooh, mysterious.

What happened?

I don't know, but Patty's name
was forbidden around our house.

We had to call our favorite
mints "peppermint betrayals."

I'll email you Patty's address.

Again, sorry for your loss.

But congratulations
on the $300 million.

Oh boy, I did it again.

Well, guess I'll have to find
Patty and take care of this.

Maybe next week.

No... Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

You can't put this off.

You need this closure as part
of the healing process.

I have closure.

I'm moving on to the candy
part of the process.

Fine.

I'm going to need you
to empty your pockets.

And your jacket.

And the candy corn in your underpants.

Damn it!

♪

Okay, Pop, one last road trip.

Oh no.

First mate Felix Unger

requesting permission to support.

What are you talking about, man?

I thought I would come along
and help you with your tooth.

And any other pain you
might be experiencing.

Felix, you don't have to come with me.

I'll be fine on my own.

Nonsense.

I brought along the antibiotics,

which to no one's surprise
you left on our kitchen table.

And plenty of lukewarm water

for your temperature-sensitive tooth.

Felix, I don't want...

And a six-pack of pudding cups.

We should get in.

Oscar...

You will not regret this.

Two friends on the open
road, one hurting,

one helping to heal the hurt.

One wanting to hurt the healer.

Okay, well, that just
sounds like a cry for help.

You know, in Mexico,
they celebrate the dead

with DIA de los Muertos...

What are you doing?

Oh, Dad's riding shotgun.

He talks less.

Did you really have to ask him

all those questions about his family?

Toll booth operators are people, too.

Hi.

Does a Patty Dombrowski live here?

Well, she used to.

I'm her mother, Mrs. Dombrowski.

You can call me Mrs. D.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Oh,

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Such a lovely man.

He and Patty used to test
their candy recipes right here.

They always

created the sweetest-smelling
kitchen fires.

Please sit down.

Oh, thank you.

I'm Felix Unger.

The pleasure is mine.

Ooh, a charmer.

I like him.

You wanna keep him?

So your daughter and
Walter worked together

out of your kitchen,

the sweet aroma of sugar mingling

harmoniously with a generous
scoop of entrepreneurship.

Okay, he's beginning to annoy me.

So, Mrs. D, if you
don't mind my asking,

why'd Walter and Patty stop speaking?

Well, you'd have to ask Patty.

I'm sure she would love

to see you, Oscar.

I'll write down her address.

Oh, thank you very much.

Now, Oscar, let's take
a quick water break.

Remember what the dentist said:

more hydration makes inflammation

take a long vacation.

She didn't say that.

She easily could have.

Is he always like this?

Oh...

You have no idea.

So, how are you holding up?

Tooth-wise and... otherwise.

Would you stop asking me that?

I'm getting tired of
hearing your voice.

VOICE of FELIX: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How'd you do that?

- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...
- How are you doing that?

It's your mobile device.

What the hell?

It's an alarm I made to remind
you to take your medication.

I took your phone and recorded
it while you were sleeping.

How did you get the password?

I took a shot with 1-2-3-4,
and what do you know?

Well, I'm going to change it now.

To 5-6-7-8?

Damn it!

I'm not taking that pill.

That's okay, I understand.

I understand completely.

I would not force you to do something

that I would not do my...

Oh, look,
how about just a snack though?

Hey! Peanut butter on a cracker!

Wait, is there a pill in here?

(shushing)

Swallow.

Who's a good boy?

I am. I'm a good boy.

Can I help you?

Yes.

We're looking for someone named Patty.

Oh, Patty's my sister,

but she's not here right now.

Ah...

Has she gotten herself
into another one of those

three-way-affair thingies?

No. This is Oscar Madison,
Walter's son.

Oscar?!

Oh, Oscar, Oscar.

Oh, your dad was the sweetest guy.

He gave me my first job...
babysitting you.

Wait a minute, Viv?

- Mmm-hmm. Yes!
- Of course.

Babysitting for Oscar.

I would ask what that was like,

but I have a pretty good idea.

He used to do the cutest little
dance when he had to pee.

We called it

his pee-pee dance, didn't we?

Oh, I don't think we have time to...

Please, Viv, tell me more.

He would eat anything that
wasn't nailed down:

orange peels, dirt,
handfuls of the dog's fur.

But I was adorable, right?

Not what I'm saying at all.

You were less like a child and
more like a young, chubby goat.

(laughs)

I like you, Viv.

If you want to talk to Patty,

she usually spends Saturday
afternoons hanging out

at McConnell's bar on 5th.

Thank you.

Shall we, Oscar?

Oh, pee-pee dance!

He's been forcing me
to hydrate all day.

Do you have a...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Is there a way I can...

Is there a room that I could...

Right that way, yes.

Oh, keep your hands off the dog!

She's not here.

Let's just go home.

I'll do this some other time.

Oscar.

What? Like my dad's in a rush?

Stop avoiding... you're doing this.

Bartendress!

Hey.

So, can I get you boys
a couple of ice cold beers?

- Hell yeah!
- Absolutely not!

Oscar, no.

No alcohol while you're
on the antibiotics.

I need something to dull the pain.

Of you.

I have plenty of fluids
here in my Manny sack.

Wow, an even creepier way
of saying fanny pack.

Oscar, that is not a good idea.

Okay, how is that
cold sensitivity going

right about now, huh?

(high pitched): Not a problem.

Miss, do you know a Patty Dombrowski?

Oh, yeah, she just left
here a little while ago.

Why, who's asking?

I'm Felix.

This is my adult roommate,
Oscar Madison.

He's Walter's son.

No way!

Grubby little Oscar Madison?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Your dad used to bring you
here when you were little.

One time you ate a whole
package of urinal cakes.

It said cake.

You were always eating.

You were like a little...

- Goat.
- Goat.

I loved Walter.

He had the greatest stories.

He really kept this place laughing.

You guys talking about Walter?

We used to work at the candy factory.

Back in the day.

Walter was the best boss.

Oh, yes, some of our happiest days

were working for that guy.

Before he and Patty
stopped working together.

Do you know what their fight was about?

No, but it got ugly.

I heard he tried to strangle
her with some licorice rope.

I heard

that she licked a candy
cane into a sharp point

and stabbed him.

Then he gave her a chocolate
egg filled with cyanide.

Now I'm just making stuff up.

So, do you guys know where Patty is?

FRED: Gee, I don't know.

But maybe if you were to
buy us a beer, we could...

She's at the factory.

Dude!

We were this close
to getting free beers.

I didn't say candy factory.

So the candy factory is still open?

After your dad left,
Patty kept it going.

Okay, let's go.

VOICE OF FELIX: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Are you kidding me?

Pill time!

You are driving me
crazy with this thing!

VOICE OF FELIX: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How do you turn it off?

Take your pill and I will tell you.

VOICE OF FELIX: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

- You just broke your phone.
- Totally worth it.

Hi, we're looking for
a Patty Dombrowski.

If you're from the health department,

my hair net's over there.

I can't believe your dad's gone.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

He's in there?

Yes.

Hey, Walter.

Been a while.

You look a little ashen.

He always liked a good joke.

He sure did.

You know, I used to come
around this place a lot

when I was a kid.

Yeah, there's not a machine
in here that you didn't lick.

Including the forklift.

It said fork.

It didn't say lick!

Thank God the government wasn't
big on health codes back then.

Back then?

In 1980?

Okay.

So anyway, Mrs. Dombrowski...

You're a middle-aged man.

Call me Patty.

Okay, Patty.

Well, in my dad's will,

he wanted you and I to get
together to scatter his ashes.

Really?

That's odd.

The way things ended
with me and your dad,

I didn't think he'd
want me part of this.

Want a taffy?

Yeah.

Actually, Oscar will have to decline.

He's having tooth problems.

PATTY: Who is this guy,

your butler?

He's a pain in my butler.

Oscar isn't minding his health.

Well, you are not minding
your own business.

Well, you are acting like a child.

You heard the lady,
I'm a middle-aged man!

VOICE OF FELIX: Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Oh, you cannot be serious!

That's right, I knew that
you would disable the alarm

on your phone,
so I put a backup on mine.

I should never have let
you come on this trip.

Now give me your phone!

No, when you take your medicine.

- Give me your phone!
- When you take medicine!

Oh dear.

Oh dear? That's $200 worth of taffy!

And, you know...

my dad.

What do we do now?

Well, this isn't weird at all.

Just a night at the river
with a giant vat of ash taffy.

What flavor was it anyway?

Well, it was watermelon.

I guess now it's Waltermelon.

Okay, let's do this.

(clears throat)

So long, Walter.

Thanks for all the good times.

Godspeed, Mr. Madison.

I don't know what to say.

This is really hard.

Oscar, it's okay.

Take your time.

Dad, I'm really gonna miss you.

I hope that wherever you are,

the New York Mets are on

and it's always the '86 World Series.

I loved being your son.

I still do.

Okay.

Bye, Dad.

Well, I guess we're going
to be here for a while.

While we're waiting for
my dad to splash down,

do you mind if I ask what the
fight you two had was about?

Well, back in the mid-'80s, we
invented a new flavor of taffy.

He wanted to call it Ocean Breeze.

I hated that name.

What name did you prefer?

Tropical Wind.

I mean, the choice was clear.

- Ocean Breeze.
- Tropical Wind.

We used to fight about
all kinds of things,

but for some reason we
never got over this one.

What happened?

We yelled.

Then we stopped yelling.

Then we stopped talking.

Next thing you know

it's 30 years later

and his son shows up
with his life partner

to tell me he's gone.

- Oh, we're not...
- Let it go.

I wish I hadn't been so stubborn.

Well, maybe Dad sending me here

was his way of saying the same thing.

Well, I'll let you finish up.

Enjoy the ocean breeze, Walter.

You were right, Felix.

This was a much harder trip
than I thought.

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

I'm sorry I got overbearing.

It's what I do when...

Well, it's what I do.

Well, I'm glad you do it.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, let's make sure

we don't end up like
Patty and Walter, okay?

That's just what I was thinking, buddy.

Oh, look, hey, he's picking up steam.

Come on, Dad!

Keep oozing!

Keep oozing!

(taffy splashes)

Huh.

Taffy floats.

Your father is going to make
that family of seagulls

very happy.

Oscar,

is that a police officer?

I think so.

Should we flee the scene?

Well, considering we are dumping
a body, yeah, we should.

Flee the scene!

BOTH: Ah!

ALL: Ah!

I didn't eat a whole pie!

All right, fine, I ate a whole pie.

What are you guys doing here?

It totally wasn't because we
started eating the leftovers

and then passed out.

No, we wanted to be here
for you when you got back,

so you would know that
we're here for you.

And now you're back, and we're here.

For you.

Sorry, I polished off
all the leftover wine.

She tried to kiss two of us.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, how'd it go? Did you find Patty?

Yeah, it was a good day.

FELIX: Yes, it was.

A lot of healing.

Speaking of which,
it is time for your medicine.

Oh, buddy, can you give
me a break from the pills

for a while?

Yeah. You had a pretty big day.

You know what, why don't you
just have this nice pie?

- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm, that's really good.

You put a pill in it?

I did.

(shushes)

- I'm a good boy.
- Okay.