The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 3 - I Kid, You Not - full transcript
Oscar takes Charlotte's son trick-or-treating on Halloween to prove he can be responsible.
Look at him.
So engaged in his
electronic television game.
More like obsessed.
He needs to stop for five
minutes and clean up his room.
Which one of us do you think
they're talking about?
My room's clean.
Gotta be you.
Honestly, I don't know what
you two see in that game.
"That game" is Chimpocalypse,
the most popular video game in America.
And hamburger sandwiches
are the most popular food.
Doesn't make them good.
Okay, Evan, time to do your homework.
Aw, man.
Oscar, you need to get
cleaned up for dinner.
Aw, man.
Thank you.
I know you and Evan got
off to a rocky start,
I really appreciate how hard
you've worked to win him over.
The key is putting myself
in the mind of a child.
Well, feel free to come
back out any time.
All right, I want a re-match,
buddy, tomorrow.
It's your money.
Hey, Charlotte! Cute top.
Thanks, Teddy.
Women love to hear about their shirts.
Hey, you guys mind if I brought
Andre over here for Halloween?
He heard this building is
great for trick-or-treating.
Of course. Although I'm not
sure where he heard that,
we hardly get any trick-or-treaters.
Well, we used to.
Then Felix moved in, and
instead of giving them candy,
he gave out dental floss.
Are you saying that children
are avoiding our apartment?
No.
They're avoiding you.
Evan told me they all call
you Count Plaque-ula.
(laughing): Count Plaque-ula.
Kids are mean and funny.
Laugh all you want,
but gingivitis doesn't take a holiday.
A little fact that Big Candy
doesn't want you to know.
Felix, come on.
Halloween is the one night of the year
you get to go crazy and be a kid.
Is it?
Or is it just a celebration
of irresponsibility?
"Let's get hopped up on
sugar and mock the dead!"
You got pushed down a lot
as a kid, didn't you?
Face it, Felix,
Halloween isn't the problem... you are.
You just don't know how to cut loose.
Can't cut loose? I?
The guy who plays
"La Vida Loca" on the cello?
I feel like pushing him down right now.
Are you actually saying
that I lack a childlike
sense of abandon?
OSCAR: You were never a child.
When you came out of the womb,
you hung up the placenta.
Well, I'm not going
to apologize for being a mature adult.
As the poet William Butler
Yeats famously said,
"It is so many years..."
Oh, you going down right now!
Damn, you're like a statue!
Pilates.
- I don't believe it.
- (laughs)
(gasps) Where'd that come from?
I hung it while you were at
work, I hope you like it.
Aw, I love a Halloween decoration!
Or every one ever made.
Oh, is it too much?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've already been so nice
by letting me crash here
while I find a new apartment.
No, no, no, it's the perfect setting
for our scary movie marathon.
Ooh, I can't wait!
But you know what,
I've got to warn you,
when I get scared I have to pee,
so we're going to be
working that pause button.
(knocking)
Hello.
Oh, what a festive
display of fire hazards.
Oh that's right, Halloween
isn't really your thing.
No, never has been.
I remember the last time
I tried to participate.
I was seven and dressed
as Nobel-Prize-winning
scientist Marie Curie.
Had to take off my pumps
to escape the bullies.
Oh, sweetie.
Why are you not trying
to repress that memory?
Well, Oscar pointed out
that apparently I lack
a sense of childlike whimsy.
Since when do you care
what Oscar thinks?
Since when does Oscar
use the word "whimsy?"
Well, it's not just Oscar.
I was upset to learn that
the children of the building
seem to agree. I guess it's
because I don't know how to
"cut loose" or "go crazy."
Those air quotes aren't
doing you any favors.
Well, this year I plan to embrace
the spirit of the season,
by planning a good, old fashioned,
night of irresponsible fun.
How about you just put
your hands in your pockets?
Good for you. What do you have in mind?
Well, as you know,
every Halloween there is
a kids' party in the lobby.
But this year, as board president,
I plan to introduce a haunted history
tour of the building.
And I'm here because
I need some spooky helpers.
We actually have plans.
Yeah, we're going to eat
popcorn, watch scary movies,
and not pee on the couch.
But you could do that any night!
Please?
It would really mean a lot to me.
Aw, who could say no to this face?
I could.
But I won't.
(muttering): But I could.
Well, fantastic!
I will get you a draft of the script
so that you can start memorizing.
Oh god! Oh no!
Oh, I love Halloween,
so much fun, so much fun.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, cool chimpbot costume!
I wish they made those in adult sizes.
Maybe they do.
No, I already checked.
You are gonna clean
up on candy tomorrow.
Not here I'm not.
I have to work tomorrow night,
so Evan's going
to my sister's in Long Island.
Or he could stay here and go
trick-or-treating with me.
EVAN: That's what I said!
But then my mom just laughed
for, like, a really long time.
I didn't laugh... that long.
What's so funny about
me taking care of Evan?
Nothing.
It's just my sister hasn't
seen him in a while,
they'll have a great time.
She's super responsible.
Ha! And I'm not?
Uh-oh, she's going to laugh again.
No, Oscar.
It's just I like Evan a whole lot,
and I'd like to keep him...
Well, I'd like to keep him.
I can do this.
We won't leave the building,
I'll never take my eyes off
of him and you can trust me.
You trust me, right?
Okay.
Let's give it a try.
Awesome!
We're gonna have a great time!
(shatters)
And be very responsible.
(trumpeting)
Who are you?
Mozart van Beethoven?
Our educational system
really failed you, didn't it?
This is my costume
for tonight's terrifying trek
through our building's haunted past.
Oh great, do you mind
if Evan and I tag along?
I would love that!
I just didn't think
you were interested.
(laughing): Oh, I'm not.
But if I want to have any kind
of future with Charlotte,
I need to prove to her that I'm mature.
So I'm going to spend Halloween
with the most mature guy I know.
Well, thank you, Oscar.
And when I say mature, I mean boring.
Oh, you might be surprised.
This tour is going to
be "spook-tacular."
"Abso-boo-tly" frightening.
For all the...
boys and (spooky): ghouls.
It's exhausting being you, isn't it?
It's not easy.
Hey Oscar, go long!
Hey!
(groans)
Nice catch!
Thanks.
Wish I was wearing a cup.
Teddy, what's with the suitcase?
Oh, it's Andre's.
His second costume is in there.
I hit all the apartments
in this costume,
then I change for round two.
Very clever.
It's not my first Halloween.
If he was this focused
on sports or education,
he'd be unstoppable.
Can you imagine?
Well, I'm off. See ya, Dad.
You sure you don't want
me to go with you?
No offense, but you slow me down.
Too much chit-chat,
not enough Kit Kat.
Now who's this cute little...
No time!
All right, I'm ready to go, Oscar.
Great!
I'll be home by 10:00.
Be responsible, follow the rules.
I will.
I was talking to Oscar.
I will.
We're going to have so much fun.
Well, don't have too much fun.
We'll be with Felix.
(vocalizing quietly)
Well, have some fun.
Okay.
FELIX: Good evening.
Our Haunted History tour will
begin when the clock strikes...
(dramatically): 6:45.
Doing this for Charlotte,
doing this for Charlotte...
Oscar, it's funny.
Tonight you are attempting
to act like a mature adult,
while I'm endeavoring
to access my inner child.
Oh, he's probably
just in there dusting.
ANNE: Hello, Felix.
This is my son Simon.
No, I'm Albert Einstein.
Of course you are.
And you can meet us
back here in an hour
because the tour is
"relativit-ly" short.
(chuckling): Good one.
I have a backpack of supplies.
Breath spray, wet wipes,
and a drone if we need
to send for help.
Oh, my god, there's two of them?
Oscar, can we go up to the roof?
All my friends are gonna sneak
up and throw water balloons!
That's an awesome idea!
Is what a bad adult would say...
to an awesome idea
that I can't let you do.
(playing theremin)
Oh hello, I am Ebenezer Strotham.
You may not know me,
but you do know my work.
You're standing in it.
The building.
I designed the building.
In 1905, it was the site
of a mysterious death.
Robert Coleman's heart gave out
in his seventh-floor apartment.
Authorities called it natural causes,
but some called it...
...murder!
(theremin playing)
How long is this going to take?
About an hour.
But it'll feel like forever.
That's relativity!
Hold your fire.
So join me now
for an evening of mystery,
but, most of all, fun.
(theremin playing)
Not a toy!
Not a toy!
Now, Robert Coleman
didn't die in that stairwell.
But he could have,
because safety railings
weren't required by New
York state until...
(dramatically): ...1937.
So how did they navigate the stairs?
They walked, Einstein.
What? He's Einstein.
Join me as we enter
the apartment where Coleman
lived with his kindly nurse.
Lived...
(dramatically): ...and died!
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go, go, go.
(dramatically):
Who dares disturb our slumber?
You want some slumber,
why don't you join our tour?
You're not a guy,
you're the lady who keeps
trying to sell my mom jewelry.
Tell her that all the seasonal
bracelets are half price.
(whispering): Stay on script.
I roam the halls
looking for a young, healthy heart
because mine was taken from
me on a night most foul.
(dramatically):
Might I be the murderer?
Who's the hooker?
Watch your mouth, 4B. I know your mama.
(quietly): Dani, I didn't tell you
to buy a sexy nurse outfit.
I just bought a nurse's outfit.
I put the sexy in it.
Well, kids, it's still
pretty scary, isn't it?
Please, this is nothing.
Did you ever see Saw?
See saw?
Oh no, if those things aren't
balanced it's like a catapult.
Can we go now?
Yes, because there are
17 clues hidden throughout the building
that will help solve the mystery.
Did she say 17?
I wasn't listening.
Yeah, me neither.
And that's why in mid-1990s
they replaced every
carpet in the building.
Remember, children:
mold is the silent killer.
Excuse me, my mom just texted me.
I have to go.
Yeah, his mom said I have to go, too.
Yeah, you know, me too.
Hey, wait!
Come on, Oscar!
You promised that we
would have some fun.
We will. I'll talk to Felix.
Felix?
Felix?
Ebenezer?
Yes?
We gotta speed things along.
These kids are getting bored.
Bored?
Or entertained into silence?
It's Halloween, all we want is candy!
I mean all they want is candy.
And they're going to get it.
The 17th clue is the combination
that unlocks this briefcase
full of candy.
You've been holding out on us?!
- Give it!
- No, no.
- Give it!
- No.
Man, those Pilates
are really paying off.
Thank you, thank you very much.
But you're not getting the candy!
Stop being so immature.
You stop being so lame!
We're going to lose these kids!
Oh crap, I've already lost one!
Evan! Evan!
Evan!
Have you seen a chimpbot?
I'm a T Rex!
Do you know how questions work?
There you are, buddy.
Listen, we gotta stick together.
Let's go back to my
apartment and regroup.
We've got a ton of candy over there.
There's a chimpbot.
There's a reason you're extinct.
Candy is right there, help yourself.
Evan ditched me.
I thought I lost him for a second.
That would have been bad.
He's Charlotte's only kid.
(gasps)
You're not Evan!
Why are you in his costume?
This is my back-up.
Why didn't you tell me
when I kept calling you Evan!
You promised me candy
and I rolled with it.
Teddy, stop drinking alone
and help me find Evan!
I'm going to start in the lobby.
I'll start at the
penthouse and work down.
I'll just hang back here.
My dogs are barking.
Oh, great.
Well, it's just us.
I suppose we ought to call it a night.
Really?
But I have to know... was it murder?
No, it was complications of an STD.
Which stands for
"Super Terrifying Disease."
Now that I've spoiled the ending,
I suppose there's no reason
to do the rest of the tour.
Where the hell are they?!
We're clue number seven!
They should have been here by now.
They better hurry up.
This place is creepy,
and the radiator steam
is making my damn nails pop off.
Well I suppose you deserve a reward
for staying as long as you did.
Do you have anything healthy?
Granny Smith. Jackpot!
I'm sorry that I ruined your Halloween.
That's okay.
I don't like Halloween.
I can't wait to be an adult
so I don't have to do
this stuff anymore.
You know, I suppose I felt that
way too when I was your age.
But now I feel like I
missed out on something.
I see people cutting loose,
and being mischievous...
I wish I had learned how to do that.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You have plenty of time to be an adult,
so don't rush through the kid part.
You know, Simon?
Simon?
- Dr. Einstein?
- Yes?
What do you say you and
I have some fun, huh?
Throw caution to the wind!
Not the wind?!
Yes, the wind!
I don't know how to do that.
Neither do I.
But we will brave these
uncharted waters together, hm?
Come on.
Oh wait, wait, wait.
There's a little bit of food
residue on your shirt.
Oh dear.
Boop!
- This might take some time.
- Yeah.
I lost a human, a whole human!
(shouts)
Well that's an ego boost.
I didn't think you'd be home so soon.
I was able to duck out early
so the three of us could
go trick-or-treating.
Oh, you really didn't have to do that.
You really, really didn't have to.
Okay, here's the thing.
Evan...
Is right there!
Yeah, Oscar,
right here where you dropped me off.
I told my mom you did
a great job watching me.
I'm glad it went well.
Yes...
It went well.
I'm going to leave now.
Well, thanks for doing
such a good job watching him.
I didn't do a good job watching him.
He ran away!
What?!
I've been looking all over
the building for you!
You scared the hell out of me!
Look, I'm sweating
even more than usual!
Is this true, Evan?
He is pretty sweaty.
Sorry.
He wasn't any fun.
Oh, I was no fun?
You want to see me being no fun?
How about no food for a month?
Might be a little much.
Yeah, you're right, it's my first time.
No Chimpocalypse for a month.
That sounds fair.
No, it doesn't.
Man, Oscar, you're so mean!
It's not easy, is it?
No, how do you do this
parenting thing 24/7?
Wine helps.
But you know what?
You handled that really well.
You think?
Yes.
Very mature.
And that's quite a sacrifice for you,
no Chimpocalypse for a month?
What?
No, that was for Evan.
He ran away, not me.
I gotta say, Oscar, seeing you step up
like you did there was pretty sexy.
You want that candy don't you?
Yeah, I really do.
There you all are!
(all sighing)
You left before the most fun part...
reading material!
You want to talk about scary,
wait 'til you see these
archaic building codes.
What?
What? What is it?
(screams)
It's the ghost of Robert Coleman!
He's come for
my heart!
Ah!
(screaming)
Respect... your... teachers.
(screaming)
That was awesome!
Yes, it was!
Great work with the drone!
That was exactly the kind
of reckless tomfoolery
that being a kid is all about, huh?
I guess we better get you home, huh?
Why do I get the nagging feeling
that I'm forgetting something?
Please tell me your foot has a tail.
I felt it, too!
- Aw, hell no!
- Oh, my god!
This is the first time
ever having nougat.
Good.
Not great.
All right, here,
try a Three Musketeers bar.
They named a candy bar
after my third-favorite
Alexandre Dumas novel!
No, I probably shouldn't.
I've had so much already.
Oh come on, feed your inner child.
He's had a huge night.
Should we split it?
Unless of course you're too mature
and responsible for candy after dinner.
Who knows?
I may even floss tonight.
Whoo! What a night.
TEDDY: Look at that swagger!
Learned it from me.
Let's get you home, son.
One of you chumps want
to tell me something?
So engaged in his
electronic television game.
More like obsessed.
He needs to stop for five
minutes and clean up his room.
Which one of us do you think
they're talking about?
My room's clean.
Gotta be you.
Honestly, I don't know what
you two see in that game.
"That game" is Chimpocalypse,
the most popular video game in America.
And hamburger sandwiches
are the most popular food.
Doesn't make them good.
Okay, Evan, time to do your homework.
Aw, man.
Oscar, you need to get
cleaned up for dinner.
Aw, man.
Thank you.
I know you and Evan got
off to a rocky start,
I really appreciate how hard
you've worked to win him over.
The key is putting myself
in the mind of a child.
Well, feel free to come
back out any time.
All right, I want a re-match,
buddy, tomorrow.
It's your money.
Hey, Charlotte! Cute top.
Thanks, Teddy.
Women love to hear about their shirts.
Hey, you guys mind if I brought
Andre over here for Halloween?
He heard this building is
great for trick-or-treating.
Of course. Although I'm not
sure where he heard that,
we hardly get any trick-or-treaters.
Well, we used to.
Then Felix moved in, and
instead of giving them candy,
he gave out dental floss.
Are you saying that children
are avoiding our apartment?
No.
They're avoiding you.
Evan told me they all call
you Count Plaque-ula.
(laughing): Count Plaque-ula.
Kids are mean and funny.
Laugh all you want,
but gingivitis doesn't take a holiday.
A little fact that Big Candy
doesn't want you to know.
Felix, come on.
Halloween is the one night of the year
you get to go crazy and be a kid.
Is it?
Or is it just a celebration
of irresponsibility?
"Let's get hopped up on
sugar and mock the dead!"
You got pushed down a lot
as a kid, didn't you?
Face it, Felix,
Halloween isn't the problem... you are.
You just don't know how to cut loose.
Can't cut loose? I?
The guy who plays
"La Vida Loca" on the cello?
I feel like pushing him down right now.
Are you actually saying
that I lack a childlike
sense of abandon?
OSCAR: You were never a child.
When you came out of the womb,
you hung up the placenta.
Well, I'm not going
to apologize for being a mature adult.
As the poet William Butler
Yeats famously said,
"It is so many years..."
Oh, you going down right now!
Damn, you're like a statue!
Pilates.
- I don't believe it.
- (laughs)
(gasps) Where'd that come from?
I hung it while you were at
work, I hope you like it.
Aw, I love a Halloween decoration!
Or every one ever made.
Oh, is it too much?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've already been so nice
by letting me crash here
while I find a new apartment.
No, no, no, it's the perfect setting
for our scary movie marathon.
Ooh, I can't wait!
But you know what,
I've got to warn you,
when I get scared I have to pee,
so we're going to be
working that pause button.
(knocking)
Hello.
Oh, what a festive
display of fire hazards.
Oh that's right, Halloween
isn't really your thing.
No, never has been.
I remember the last time
I tried to participate.
I was seven and dressed
as Nobel-Prize-winning
scientist Marie Curie.
Had to take off my pumps
to escape the bullies.
Oh, sweetie.
Why are you not trying
to repress that memory?
Well, Oscar pointed out
that apparently I lack
a sense of childlike whimsy.
Since when do you care
what Oscar thinks?
Since when does Oscar
use the word "whimsy?"
Well, it's not just Oscar.
I was upset to learn that
the children of the building
seem to agree. I guess it's
because I don't know how to
"cut loose" or "go crazy."
Those air quotes aren't
doing you any favors.
Well, this year I plan to embrace
the spirit of the season,
by planning a good, old fashioned,
night of irresponsible fun.
How about you just put
your hands in your pockets?
Good for you. What do you have in mind?
Well, as you know,
every Halloween there is
a kids' party in the lobby.
But this year, as board president,
I plan to introduce a haunted history
tour of the building.
And I'm here because
I need some spooky helpers.
We actually have plans.
Yeah, we're going to eat
popcorn, watch scary movies,
and not pee on the couch.
But you could do that any night!
Please?
It would really mean a lot to me.
Aw, who could say no to this face?
I could.
But I won't.
(muttering): But I could.
Well, fantastic!
I will get you a draft of the script
so that you can start memorizing.
Oh god! Oh no!
Oh, I love Halloween,
so much fun, so much fun.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, cool chimpbot costume!
I wish they made those in adult sizes.
Maybe they do.
No, I already checked.
You are gonna clean
up on candy tomorrow.
Not here I'm not.
I have to work tomorrow night,
so Evan's going
to my sister's in Long Island.
Or he could stay here and go
trick-or-treating with me.
EVAN: That's what I said!
But then my mom just laughed
for, like, a really long time.
I didn't laugh... that long.
What's so funny about
me taking care of Evan?
Nothing.
It's just my sister hasn't
seen him in a while,
they'll have a great time.
She's super responsible.
Ha! And I'm not?
Uh-oh, she's going to laugh again.
No, Oscar.
It's just I like Evan a whole lot,
and I'd like to keep him...
Well, I'd like to keep him.
I can do this.
We won't leave the building,
I'll never take my eyes off
of him and you can trust me.
You trust me, right?
Okay.
Let's give it a try.
Awesome!
We're gonna have a great time!
(shatters)
And be very responsible.
(trumpeting)
Who are you?
Mozart van Beethoven?
Our educational system
really failed you, didn't it?
This is my costume
for tonight's terrifying trek
through our building's haunted past.
Oh great, do you mind
if Evan and I tag along?
I would love that!
I just didn't think
you were interested.
(laughing): Oh, I'm not.
But if I want to have any kind
of future with Charlotte,
I need to prove to her that I'm mature.
So I'm going to spend Halloween
with the most mature guy I know.
Well, thank you, Oscar.
And when I say mature, I mean boring.
Oh, you might be surprised.
This tour is going to
be "spook-tacular."
"Abso-boo-tly" frightening.
For all the...
boys and (spooky): ghouls.
It's exhausting being you, isn't it?
It's not easy.
Hey Oscar, go long!
Hey!
(groans)
Nice catch!
Thanks.
Wish I was wearing a cup.
Teddy, what's with the suitcase?
Oh, it's Andre's.
His second costume is in there.
I hit all the apartments
in this costume,
then I change for round two.
Very clever.
It's not my first Halloween.
If he was this focused
on sports or education,
he'd be unstoppable.
Can you imagine?
Well, I'm off. See ya, Dad.
You sure you don't want
me to go with you?
No offense, but you slow me down.
Too much chit-chat,
not enough Kit Kat.
Now who's this cute little...
No time!
All right, I'm ready to go, Oscar.
Great!
I'll be home by 10:00.
Be responsible, follow the rules.
I will.
I was talking to Oscar.
I will.
We're going to have so much fun.
Well, don't have too much fun.
We'll be with Felix.
(vocalizing quietly)
Well, have some fun.
Okay.
FELIX: Good evening.
Our Haunted History tour will
begin when the clock strikes...
(dramatically): 6:45.
Doing this for Charlotte,
doing this for Charlotte...
Oscar, it's funny.
Tonight you are attempting
to act like a mature adult,
while I'm endeavoring
to access my inner child.
Oh, he's probably
just in there dusting.
ANNE: Hello, Felix.
This is my son Simon.
No, I'm Albert Einstein.
Of course you are.
And you can meet us
back here in an hour
because the tour is
"relativit-ly" short.
(chuckling): Good one.
I have a backpack of supplies.
Breath spray, wet wipes,
and a drone if we need
to send for help.
Oh, my god, there's two of them?
Oscar, can we go up to the roof?
All my friends are gonna sneak
up and throw water balloons!
That's an awesome idea!
Is what a bad adult would say...
to an awesome idea
that I can't let you do.
(playing theremin)
Oh hello, I am Ebenezer Strotham.
You may not know me,
but you do know my work.
You're standing in it.
The building.
I designed the building.
In 1905, it was the site
of a mysterious death.
Robert Coleman's heart gave out
in his seventh-floor apartment.
Authorities called it natural causes,
but some called it...
...murder!
(theremin playing)
How long is this going to take?
About an hour.
But it'll feel like forever.
That's relativity!
Hold your fire.
So join me now
for an evening of mystery,
but, most of all, fun.
(theremin playing)
Not a toy!
Not a toy!
Now, Robert Coleman
didn't die in that stairwell.
But he could have,
because safety railings
weren't required by New
York state until...
(dramatically): ...1937.
So how did they navigate the stairs?
They walked, Einstein.
What? He's Einstein.
Join me as we enter
the apartment where Coleman
lived with his kindly nurse.
Lived...
(dramatically): ...and died!
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go, go, go.
(dramatically):
Who dares disturb our slumber?
You want some slumber,
why don't you join our tour?
You're not a guy,
you're the lady who keeps
trying to sell my mom jewelry.
Tell her that all the seasonal
bracelets are half price.
(whispering): Stay on script.
I roam the halls
looking for a young, healthy heart
because mine was taken from
me on a night most foul.
(dramatically):
Might I be the murderer?
Who's the hooker?
Watch your mouth, 4B. I know your mama.
(quietly): Dani, I didn't tell you
to buy a sexy nurse outfit.
I just bought a nurse's outfit.
I put the sexy in it.
Well, kids, it's still
pretty scary, isn't it?
Please, this is nothing.
Did you ever see Saw?
See saw?
Oh no, if those things aren't
balanced it's like a catapult.
Can we go now?
Yes, because there are
17 clues hidden throughout the building
that will help solve the mystery.
Did she say 17?
I wasn't listening.
Yeah, me neither.
And that's why in mid-1990s
they replaced every
carpet in the building.
Remember, children:
mold is the silent killer.
Excuse me, my mom just texted me.
I have to go.
Yeah, his mom said I have to go, too.
Yeah, you know, me too.
Hey, wait!
Come on, Oscar!
You promised that we
would have some fun.
We will. I'll talk to Felix.
Felix?
Felix?
Ebenezer?
Yes?
We gotta speed things along.
These kids are getting bored.
Bored?
Or entertained into silence?
It's Halloween, all we want is candy!
I mean all they want is candy.
And they're going to get it.
The 17th clue is the combination
that unlocks this briefcase
full of candy.
You've been holding out on us?!
- Give it!
- No, no.
- Give it!
- No.
Man, those Pilates
are really paying off.
Thank you, thank you very much.
But you're not getting the candy!
Stop being so immature.
You stop being so lame!
We're going to lose these kids!
Oh crap, I've already lost one!
Evan! Evan!
Evan!
Have you seen a chimpbot?
I'm a T Rex!
Do you know how questions work?
There you are, buddy.
Listen, we gotta stick together.
Let's go back to my
apartment and regroup.
We've got a ton of candy over there.
There's a chimpbot.
There's a reason you're extinct.
Candy is right there, help yourself.
Evan ditched me.
I thought I lost him for a second.
That would have been bad.
He's Charlotte's only kid.
(gasps)
You're not Evan!
Why are you in his costume?
This is my back-up.
Why didn't you tell me
when I kept calling you Evan!
You promised me candy
and I rolled with it.
Teddy, stop drinking alone
and help me find Evan!
I'm going to start in the lobby.
I'll start at the
penthouse and work down.
I'll just hang back here.
My dogs are barking.
Oh, great.
Well, it's just us.
I suppose we ought to call it a night.
Really?
But I have to know... was it murder?
No, it was complications of an STD.
Which stands for
"Super Terrifying Disease."
Now that I've spoiled the ending,
I suppose there's no reason
to do the rest of the tour.
Where the hell are they?!
We're clue number seven!
They should have been here by now.
They better hurry up.
This place is creepy,
and the radiator steam
is making my damn nails pop off.
Well I suppose you deserve a reward
for staying as long as you did.
Do you have anything healthy?
Granny Smith. Jackpot!
I'm sorry that I ruined your Halloween.
That's okay.
I don't like Halloween.
I can't wait to be an adult
so I don't have to do
this stuff anymore.
You know, I suppose I felt that
way too when I was your age.
But now I feel like I
missed out on something.
I see people cutting loose,
and being mischievous...
I wish I had learned how to do that.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You have plenty of time to be an adult,
so don't rush through the kid part.
You know, Simon?
Simon?
- Dr. Einstein?
- Yes?
What do you say you and
I have some fun, huh?
Throw caution to the wind!
Not the wind?!
Yes, the wind!
I don't know how to do that.
Neither do I.
But we will brave these
uncharted waters together, hm?
Come on.
Oh wait, wait, wait.
There's a little bit of food
residue on your shirt.
Oh dear.
Boop!
- This might take some time.
- Yeah.
I lost a human, a whole human!
(shouts)
Well that's an ego boost.
I didn't think you'd be home so soon.
I was able to duck out early
so the three of us could
go trick-or-treating.
Oh, you really didn't have to do that.
You really, really didn't have to.
Okay, here's the thing.
Evan...
Is right there!
Yeah, Oscar,
right here where you dropped me off.
I told my mom you did
a great job watching me.
I'm glad it went well.
Yes...
It went well.
I'm going to leave now.
Well, thanks for doing
such a good job watching him.
I didn't do a good job watching him.
He ran away!
What?!
I've been looking all over
the building for you!
You scared the hell out of me!
Look, I'm sweating
even more than usual!
Is this true, Evan?
He is pretty sweaty.
Sorry.
He wasn't any fun.
Oh, I was no fun?
You want to see me being no fun?
How about no food for a month?
Might be a little much.
Yeah, you're right, it's my first time.
No Chimpocalypse for a month.
That sounds fair.
No, it doesn't.
Man, Oscar, you're so mean!
It's not easy, is it?
No, how do you do this
parenting thing 24/7?
Wine helps.
But you know what?
You handled that really well.
You think?
Yes.
Very mature.
And that's quite a sacrifice for you,
no Chimpocalypse for a month?
What?
No, that was for Evan.
He ran away, not me.
I gotta say, Oscar, seeing you step up
like you did there was pretty sexy.
You want that candy don't you?
Yeah, I really do.
There you all are!
(all sighing)
You left before the most fun part...
reading material!
You want to talk about scary,
wait 'til you see these
archaic building codes.
What?
What? What is it?
(screams)
It's the ghost of Robert Coleman!
He's come for
my heart!
Ah!
(screaming)
Respect... your... teachers.
(screaming)
That was awesome!
Yes, it was!
Great work with the drone!
That was exactly the kind
of reckless tomfoolery
that being a kid is all about, huh?
I guess we better get you home, huh?
Why do I get the nagging feeling
that I'm forgetting something?
Please tell me your foot has a tail.
I felt it, too!
- Aw, hell no!
- Oh, my god!
This is the first time
ever having nougat.
Good.
Not great.
All right, here,
try a Three Musketeers bar.
They named a candy bar
after my third-favorite
Alexandre Dumas novel!
No, I probably shouldn't.
I've had so much already.
Oh come on, feed your inner child.
He's had a huge night.
Should we split it?
Unless of course you're too mature
and responsible for candy after dinner.
Who knows?
I may even floss tonight.
Whoo! What a night.
TEDDY: Look at that swagger!
Learned it from me.
Let's get you home, son.
One of you chumps want
to tell me something?