The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 13 - Conscious Odd Coupling - full transcript
That spa weekend was amazing.
Getting massages,
eating those delicious sundaes
from room service.
Oh, and that half a
lobster those people left
on the tray outside their door.
Oh.
It was like being
in heaven with a goat.
Hey, Felix.
How was your weekend
at French pastry school?
It was stupéfiant.
I knew it would be stupid.
What is that smell?
(both scream)
- Birds! - Birds!
Oscar, Is that the trash I asked
you to take out before we left?
Maybe, or maybe it's a
different bag of trash
that the pigeons dragged in!
You also left the balcony door open!
Or maybe the pigeons...
- Stop blaming the pigeons!
- All right.
Oscar, I asked you to do one thing.
How did you let this happen?
I'm off to French pastry school.
OSCAR: It's going to be stupid.
Don't forget to take the trash
to the garbage chute.
I got it, I got it.
Bonne weekend.
(with French accent): That's the plan.
Oh, my God.
That cloud looks just like a wiener.
Oh, I got to get a picture of this.
Oh, wait.
There was something I had
to do before I left.
Oh, right.
Send Teddy a photo of that penis cloud.
(laughing): It really does.
I don't believe you.
Well, that's why I have proof.
I took a picture.
Look. See? It has two giant...
I'm not interested in
your cloud genitalia.
I am interested in you
taking responsibility
for your actions.
What's the big deal?
Pigeons are gone. Trash is gone.
Everything's clean. It's over.
Not helping my argument, big guy.
I asked him to do one thing.
Why do I always expect him to grow up?
- You're an optimist.
- You're dumb.
And it's not just me.
Thanks to Oscar's unique blend
of sounds and smells,
our upstairs neighbor
Mr. Novak, just moved out.
It's not like Mr. Novak was a
sound and smell party himself.
Mm-mm.
I love Oscar, but living
with him is impossible.
You know, I love Felix, but
living with him is impossible.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Yeah. It's always,
"Feet off the couch, Oscar.
"Feet off the table, Oscar.
Feet out of the refrigerator, Oscar."
They get really hot.
Well, you could move in here.
Did you just ask me
to move in with you?
Tell me what you think, and
I'll tell you if I asked you.
Well, we did just spend
five days together,
and it was pretty perfect.
We even shared a bathroom.
And that little foot washer.
That was a bidet.
But yes.
The trip was great. We're great.
Why wouldn't we move in together?
And Evan loves you.
It'd be good for him
to have a male influence in the house.
Yeah, but what would Felix do
for a male influence?
He's a grown man.
I think he'll be okay.
I don't know.
I'm kind of the glue
that holds that guy together.
I'm gonna have to let him down gently.
What emoji would you use?
Is there one that means
"I'm going to have a mature,
face-to-face conversation
with my friend"?
No, but there is a cat with heart eyes.
Look at that.
That-that cat is loving something.
Aha.
(groans)
You are a noble reminder
of a disgusting man.
Hey, uh, Felix.
(door closes)
I kind of need to talk to you.
Why don't you have a seat?
The last time you asked me that,
I was the victim of
a whoopee cushioning.
It's, uh, Charlotte.
She's all over me to move in with her.
She is?! Uh, I mean,
- she is?
- Yeah.
I mean, of course I said,
"No way, Jose.
- I'm not leaving my buddy Felix."
- Oh.
I would be devastated.
I mean, I-I don't want
to stand in the way
of your budding
relationship with Charlotte.
So you'd be okay with it?
Uh, other than the
aforementioned devastation,
Yes, I mean...
You're a great couple.
It's wonderful what her
yin does for your yang.
Hmm.
It's pronounced "Wang," buddy.
I mean, I'd still be in here for work,
so we'd get to see
each other all the time.
In a way, it would be
like you never moved out.
But you will, to be clear.
Yeah. We'll get to
hang out without the tension
of being having to live together.
Not that there was any tension.
(laughing): No...
No. We may even become better friends.
I mean A... we couldn't
be better friends.
And B... maybe we could.
You moving out could be
the best thing for us,
our friendship, our future.
Put 'er there!
I think actually this might
call for a hug.
I think you might be right.
Ah.
- This is gonna be tough.
- So tough.
Well, Terrance, I'm meeting
with a few other applicants,
but you made a great first impression.
May I offer you an hors d'oeuvre?
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, whoops.
Five second rule, right?
Yeah, it's still good, right?
Wrong!
There is no five second rule.
Good day, sir.
Another dud, huh?
Yes. In a city of millions,
I don't know why
I can't find one decent applicant.
Well, maybe it's the personality test
followed by the interview,
followed by the apartment tour,
which is really just a series
of undercover challenges.
Well, I'm just trying
to weed out the "Oscars."
- No offense.
- Oh, none taken.
I know it's just a figure of speech.
Hey, Oscar, I'm getting hungry
for my "helping you move" lunch.
Oh, okay. Felix, you want to come?
Sorry, I can't; I'm waiting
for my next applicant.
His name is Neil.
It says here he is
an efficiency expert.
(one knock on door)
That must be him.
Felix Unger?
Neil Armstrong.
I'm sorry.
Your name is Neil Armstrong?
Let me give you my standard reply:
No, not that Neil Armstrong.
I've never been on the moon,
but I'm always on the ball.
So you were...
No, I was not named after him.
- So it's...
- NEIL: Yes.
- Pure coincidence.
- Wow. He really is on the ball.
I already said that.
(muttering)
Well, you're a lot of fun.
That's the old roommate?
What a mess.
- I like you already, Neil Armstrong.
- Hmm.
Great ergonomics. Exceptional flow.
I assume you start dusting
from that corner
and work your way clockwise.
Actually, I start high and I work low.
Hmm. The Pendrake Method.
I didn't know anybody
used that anymore.
I suppose you are saving
more arm strokes.
- That's the idea.
- Oh.
But with the sunlight
at your back you can see
twice the dust, saving...
- More strokes.
- ...more strokes.
May I offer you a snack?
- Oh.
- Oh, whoops.
Five second rule.
We both know there is no such thing.
When can you move in?
Sorry, guys. I forgot my wallet.
Ah, floor snacks.
You guys really missed out.
Hey, you're home.
I've never been so happy to see you.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
I thought I was going
to starve to death.
Oh. I texted you there's
chicken in the fridge.
Yeah, but that was raw.
I assumed you'd cook it.
Felix never let me do that.
Actually, I was banned
from all fire-based appliances.
Also knives, graters,
juicers, choppers.
I'll send you the "no-no" list.
You're kidding.
No. I haven't cooked in three years.
Am I pronouncing that right?
"Cooked"?
Well, not only will I let you cook,
I'll encourage it.
I think it's important
for our relationship
that we share the housework.
Absolutely.
We're a team.
For example,
have you noticed our laundry basket
is getting full?
I have noticed that.
And tomorrow I'm gonna go
buy a bigger laundry basket.
Or you could just do the laundry.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll go get the clothes and
go down to the laundry room.
Follow-up question.
It's in the basement.
All right.
Good morning.
I hope I didn't wake you
before you intended to awaken.
Oh.
No. I'm always up at this hour.
Internal clock, no alarm needed,
whatever.
Is this room cleaner
than it was yesterday?
Oh, quite a bit so.
I do my best tidying up
just after sunrise.
And did you vacuum?
Because these are not
my usual north-south lines.
Oh, I didn't vacuum, Vicki did.
Vicki, come.
(motor buzzes)
Is that the VacoVic 52-G?
I thought that didn't
come out until next year.
She doesn't,
at least not to the general public.
I actually consulted on
the design team, so...
State of the art filtration,
whisper quiet, fully integrated AI.
It's, um...
It's beautiful.
VICKI: Thank you.
Aw.
Well, I actually like to vacuum,
so I can still do it.
(laughing): Oh, don't make Vicki laugh.
She can, you know.
Well, since you did all
of the cleaning,
the least I could do
is make us breakfast, hmm?
Oh, actually, there's no need.
(motor buzzing)
I already made eggs Benedict
and cucumber scones.
Where are the-the pots
and the pans and the...?
- Oh, I clean as I cook.
- Oh.
Now, please sit.
- Well, at least let me help you...
- No, I'll get it. Sit.
Well, we still need the, uh...
- Truffle salt?
- Yeah.
I'll get it. Sit.
Oh.
Okay.
Since you have done... everything,
I guess I will just, uh...
sit.
(whirring)
What are you looking at?
Obstacle.
Oh, my God.
Did somebody break in and cater?
Oh, that?
That's just dinner.
That I made...
with a stove!
I figured since Evan is at his dad's,
maybe we could have a romantic night.
Well, we're off to a great start.
I'm loving those napkins.
I didn't think you knew about napkins.
Well, that was a happy accident.
I found them when I was looking
for the fire extinguisher.
- Fire extinguisher?
- Yeah.
That was an unhappy accident.
Oh, no, no, don't go in the kitchen!
Oscar, what happened to my kitchen?
Uh-uh. Our kitchen.
(chuckles)
Our kitchen is a wreck.
How did you get marinara sauce
on the ceiling?
Oh, yeah, that. Well, the first
meal had an Italian theme.
Big-a mistake-a.
So then I did a fish fry
which turned into a fish fire.
Why is the popcorn maker out?
I had to watch a movie
while the smoke cleared.
Oh, my God, Oscar.
Okay, I know you mean well,
but in the last week,
you have destroyed my kitchen,
you shrunk my clothes,
and you stained my rug.
I think you are minimizing
the napkin triumph.
I'll go clean the kitchen.
No, no, no, no, I'll do it.
You'll just make it worse.
- What? No. I can do it.
- No, I can handle it, Evan.
Well, that was... shriveling.
(sighs)
I'm sorry. Just cleaning up your messes
makes me feel like your mom.
Ugh. That's not good.
What is happening to us?
I know. We had so my fun
while we were on vacation.
Yeah.
'Cause all we had to do was have fun.
We had maids and waiters
to take care of us.
Did we ruin something that was working
by moving in together too soon?
Maybe.
I mean, when we weren't
living together,
we were just enjoying
the fun parts of a relationship.
Maybe we should... go back to that.
What are you saying?
I'm saying we stay together,
but I move out?
I like the sound of that.
Say it again.
I'm moving out.
Oh.
Keep going.
I'm not going to live here anymore.
That's it.
Felix, here I come.
- No. No.
- Yeah, I knew the minute I said that.
Ooh, the next course.
Teddy, I know you're a bratwurst fan.
Somebody's been on my Pinterest page.
And, Dani, you've been complaining
about dry skin, so... Yeah.
I whipped you up a lotion of
rose hips and Shea butter.
Your hands will thank me.
Oh.
Thank you, Felix.
My pleasure.
Felix, is all this pampering
because you don't have Oscar
to take care of anymore?
(laughing): I don't even know
what you're talking about.
- Oh.
- Teddy,
don't move!
You're more lint than man right now.
What?
(laughing)
That tickles.
(laughing)
I didn't say stop.
(laughing):
Oh, right there, right there.
- There.
- Hey, guys.
Oh. I see
you're lint-rolling Teddy now.
Oscar,
your show starts in two
minutes. Come on, Teddy.
Mm-hmm.
So the new roommate is
working out great, then?
Oh, he is, um, really something.
How's everything up in your love nest?
- Oh, so much love.
- Mm.
Great. I'm happy for you.
- Not as happy as I am for you.
- (laughs)
Looks like this, uh, move
worked out for both of us.
Absolutely. (laughing)
Oscar, there's a...
there's a little hint
of, uh, lint on your shirt there.
Oh.
- I don't know how this thing works.
- Stop. Stop. It's more of a...
It's more of a sweeping motion.
It's a lint roller, not a lint dagger.
Can you... help me?
Do you want me to help you?
I do want you to help me.
Oh, thank God. I miss
doing things for you!
And I miss doing nothing!
I want you to move back in!
- I want to move back in, too!
- Oh!
(whirring)
(whispering): Damn it! Neil's home.
Vicki. Felix.
- Neil.
- Armstrong.
Neil, I have a request,
and I'm going to make it
as efficient as possible.
- Leave.
- What?
Pack your things.
Oscar's moving back in.
Oh. The lease I signed
legally entitles me
to stay here for one year.
And why would I leave
when this apartment is equidistant
from my work, my parents
and the woman destined
to become my lover?
I'm not going anywhere.
Vicki, come!
What are we gonna do?
We need to convince Neil
Armstrong to take one small step
out of our apartment and...
Just keep walking.
Wow. You... you really
don't know your history.
No, no.
Oh, sorry, Neil.
Elevator's out.
- Just so inefficient.
- Hmm.
Well, not for me.
Taking the stairs will count
as my workout.
I just saved an hour a day.
(playing Chopin's
"Nocturne in E-Flat Major")
- (music stops)
- Oh. Sorry, Neil.
I should have warned you.
My Kronos Quartet cover band meets here
thrice weekly for midnight rehearsals.
Aha.
A little "Nocturne" in the nocturne.
(quietly):
He knew the name of the piece
and revealed it in a clever way.
This is not good!
Shall we take it from the top?
(playing Chopin's
"Nocturne in E-Flat Major")
Damn it, we sound sublime!
Namaste, Neil!
Oh.
So steamy. Hot yoga!
(sighs)
My butt crack's like Splash Mountain.
And I'm going to move away from Teddy.
I'm actually certified
in Jivamukti Yoga,
and you're doing everything
- wrong.
- (groans)
Let me go jump into my Lululemons.
Aah. It's hopeless.
- Nothing's worked.
- Yeah.
We should turn the heat off
before Mr. Novak complains.
Oh, he moved out two weeks ago.
Which means that apartment's empty.
You mean we could kill Neil
and put his body parts up there?
Or we get Neil to take that apartment.
Oh, yeah, let's try that.
Yes, that's better, that's better.
FELIX: Neil,
this place would be perfect for you!
It's the same layout
with an even better view!
I don't know.
Seven extra seconds on the elevator
times two round trips a day over a year
equals just over 2.83 hours wasted.
Hmm.
Well, I've made my decision.
Any chance it's a yes?
Your simplicity is childlike.
Well, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I don't even want to go
back down to the apartment.
Yeah, I understand. I can't
go back to Charlotte's place.
She's having the whole
kitchen repainted.
Oh, God, did you cook?
Want to just hang out here for a while?
- Sure.
- Hmm.
- Wish I had all my TVs up here.
- Mm.
These buckets aren't
exactly posterior friendly.
I wish we had our couch.
Coffee table could go right here.
I could throw my socks
right over there.
We'd be roommates!
- Again!
- (laughter)
So much hugging.
Yeah, that's enough
hugging for a whole year.
And that completes the tour.
What do you think?
It's the same damn apartment!
No, it is not.
The stain on the old floors
was maple cherry.
And these floors are...?
Oak toffee! Open your eyes, people!
I'm just glad
you guys are roommates again.
Now we have someplace to hang out.
I've tried their place.
Too many smelly candles.
You ladies have a problem.
Well, you're always welcome up here.
Consider this your home away from home.
(honking)
Felix, what the hell?
Ah, sorry. It's the higher altitude.
It's 18 feet higher.
Well, tell that to my sinuses.
It's 18 feet higher!
Okay, even with my impaired nose,
I can tell that you have not
unpacked your toothbrush.
And I can tell that you have not
unpacked the stick up your butt!
They're back, ladies and gentlemen!
Getting massages,
eating those delicious sundaes
from room service.
Oh, and that half a
lobster those people left
on the tray outside their door.
Oh.
It was like being
in heaven with a goat.
Hey, Felix.
How was your weekend
at French pastry school?
It was stupéfiant.
I knew it would be stupid.
What is that smell?
(both scream)
- Birds! - Birds!
Oscar, Is that the trash I asked
you to take out before we left?
Maybe, or maybe it's a
different bag of trash
that the pigeons dragged in!
You also left the balcony door open!
Or maybe the pigeons...
- Stop blaming the pigeons!
- All right.
Oscar, I asked you to do one thing.
How did you let this happen?
I'm off to French pastry school.
OSCAR: It's going to be stupid.
Don't forget to take the trash
to the garbage chute.
I got it, I got it.
Bonne weekend.
(with French accent): That's the plan.
Oh, my God.
That cloud looks just like a wiener.
Oh, I got to get a picture of this.
Oh, wait.
There was something I had
to do before I left.
Oh, right.
Send Teddy a photo of that penis cloud.
(laughing): It really does.
I don't believe you.
Well, that's why I have proof.
I took a picture.
Look. See? It has two giant...
I'm not interested in
your cloud genitalia.
I am interested in you
taking responsibility
for your actions.
What's the big deal?
Pigeons are gone. Trash is gone.
Everything's clean. It's over.
Not helping my argument, big guy.
I asked him to do one thing.
Why do I always expect him to grow up?
- You're an optimist.
- You're dumb.
And it's not just me.
Thanks to Oscar's unique blend
of sounds and smells,
our upstairs neighbor
Mr. Novak, just moved out.
It's not like Mr. Novak was a
sound and smell party himself.
Mm-mm.
I love Oscar, but living
with him is impossible.
You know, I love Felix, but
living with him is impossible.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Yeah. It's always,
"Feet off the couch, Oscar.
"Feet off the table, Oscar.
Feet out of the refrigerator, Oscar."
They get really hot.
Well, you could move in here.
Did you just ask me
to move in with you?
Tell me what you think, and
I'll tell you if I asked you.
Well, we did just spend
five days together,
and it was pretty perfect.
We even shared a bathroom.
And that little foot washer.
That was a bidet.
But yes.
The trip was great. We're great.
Why wouldn't we move in together?
And Evan loves you.
It'd be good for him
to have a male influence in the house.
Yeah, but what would Felix do
for a male influence?
He's a grown man.
I think he'll be okay.
I don't know.
I'm kind of the glue
that holds that guy together.
I'm gonna have to let him down gently.
What emoji would you use?
Is there one that means
"I'm going to have a mature,
face-to-face conversation
with my friend"?
No, but there is a cat with heart eyes.
Look at that.
That-that cat is loving something.
Aha.
(groans)
You are a noble reminder
of a disgusting man.
Hey, uh, Felix.
(door closes)
I kind of need to talk to you.
Why don't you have a seat?
The last time you asked me that,
I was the victim of
a whoopee cushioning.
It's, uh, Charlotte.
She's all over me to move in with her.
She is?! Uh, I mean,
- she is?
- Yeah.
I mean, of course I said,
"No way, Jose.
- I'm not leaving my buddy Felix."
- Oh.
I would be devastated.
I mean, I-I don't want
to stand in the way
of your budding
relationship with Charlotte.
So you'd be okay with it?
Uh, other than the
aforementioned devastation,
Yes, I mean...
You're a great couple.
It's wonderful what her
yin does for your yang.
Hmm.
It's pronounced "Wang," buddy.
I mean, I'd still be in here for work,
so we'd get to see
each other all the time.
In a way, it would be
like you never moved out.
But you will, to be clear.
Yeah. We'll get to
hang out without the tension
of being having to live together.
Not that there was any tension.
(laughing): No...
No. We may even become better friends.
I mean A... we couldn't
be better friends.
And B... maybe we could.
You moving out could be
the best thing for us,
our friendship, our future.
Put 'er there!
I think actually this might
call for a hug.
I think you might be right.
Ah.
- This is gonna be tough.
- So tough.
Well, Terrance, I'm meeting
with a few other applicants,
but you made a great first impression.
May I offer you an hors d'oeuvre?
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, whoops.
Five second rule, right?
Yeah, it's still good, right?
Wrong!
There is no five second rule.
Good day, sir.
Another dud, huh?
Yes. In a city of millions,
I don't know why
I can't find one decent applicant.
Well, maybe it's the personality test
followed by the interview,
followed by the apartment tour,
which is really just a series
of undercover challenges.
Well, I'm just trying
to weed out the "Oscars."
- No offense.
- Oh, none taken.
I know it's just a figure of speech.
Hey, Oscar, I'm getting hungry
for my "helping you move" lunch.
Oh, okay. Felix, you want to come?
Sorry, I can't; I'm waiting
for my next applicant.
His name is Neil.
It says here he is
an efficiency expert.
(one knock on door)
That must be him.
Felix Unger?
Neil Armstrong.
I'm sorry.
Your name is Neil Armstrong?
Let me give you my standard reply:
No, not that Neil Armstrong.
I've never been on the moon,
but I'm always on the ball.
So you were...
No, I was not named after him.
- So it's...
- NEIL: Yes.
- Pure coincidence.
- Wow. He really is on the ball.
I already said that.
(muttering)
Well, you're a lot of fun.
That's the old roommate?
What a mess.
- I like you already, Neil Armstrong.
- Hmm.
Great ergonomics. Exceptional flow.
I assume you start dusting
from that corner
and work your way clockwise.
Actually, I start high and I work low.
Hmm. The Pendrake Method.
I didn't know anybody
used that anymore.
I suppose you are saving
more arm strokes.
- That's the idea.
- Oh.
But with the sunlight
at your back you can see
twice the dust, saving...
- More strokes.
- ...more strokes.
May I offer you a snack?
- Oh.
- Oh, whoops.
Five second rule.
We both know there is no such thing.
When can you move in?
Sorry, guys. I forgot my wallet.
Ah, floor snacks.
You guys really missed out.
Hey, you're home.
I've never been so happy to see you.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
I thought I was going
to starve to death.
Oh. I texted you there's
chicken in the fridge.
Yeah, but that was raw.
I assumed you'd cook it.
Felix never let me do that.
Actually, I was banned
from all fire-based appliances.
Also knives, graters,
juicers, choppers.
I'll send you the "no-no" list.
You're kidding.
No. I haven't cooked in three years.
Am I pronouncing that right?
"Cooked"?
Well, not only will I let you cook,
I'll encourage it.
I think it's important
for our relationship
that we share the housework.
Absolutely.
We're a team.
For example,
have you noticed our laundry basket
is getting full?
I have noticed that.
And tomorrow I'm gonna go
buy a bigger laundry basket.
Or you could just do the laundry.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll go get the clothes and
go down to the laundry room.
Follow-up question.
It's in the basement.
All right.
Good morning.
I hope I didn't wake you
before you intended to awaken.
Oh.
No. I'm always up at this hour.
Internal clock, no alarm needed,
whatever.
Is this room cleaner
than it was yesterday?
Oh, quite a bit so.
I do my best tidying up
just after sunrise.
And did you vacuum?
Because these are not
my usual north-south lines.
Oh, I didn't vacuum, Vicki did.
Vicki, come.
(motor buzzes)
Is that the VacoVic 52-G?
I thought that didn't
come out until next year.
She doesn't,
at least not to the general public.
I actually consulted on
the design team, so...
State of the art filtration,
whisper quiet, fully integrated AI.
It's, um...
It's beautiful.
VICKI: Thank you.
Aw.
Well, I actually like to vacuum,
so I can still do it.
(laughing): Oh, don't make Vicki laugh.
She can, you know.
Well, since you did all
of the cleaning,
the least I could do
is make us breakfast, hmm?
Oh, actually, there's no need.
(motor buzzing)
I already made eggs Benedict
and cucumber scones.
Where are the-the pots
and the pans and the...?
- Oh, I clean as I cook.
- Oh.
Now, please sit.
- Well, at least let me help you...
- No, I'll get it. Sit.
Well, we still need the, uh...
- Truffle salt?
- Yeah.
I'll get it. Sit.
Oh.
Okay.
Since you have done... everything,
I guess I will just, uh...
sit.
(whirring)
What are you looking at?
Obstacle.
Oh, my God.
Did somebody break in and cater?
Oh, that?
That's just dinner.
That I made...
with a stove!
I figured since Evan is at his dad's,
maybe we could have a romantic night.
Well, we're off to a great start.
I'm loving those napkins.
I didn't think you knew about napkins.
Well, that was a happy accident.
I found them when I was looking
for the fire extinguisher.
- Fire extinguisher?
- Yeah.
That was an unhappy accident.
Oh, no, no, don't go in the kitchen!
Oscar, what happened to my kitchen?
Uh-uh. Our kitchen.
(chuckles)
Our kitchen is a wreck.
How did you get marinara sauce
on the ceiling?
Oh, yeah, that. Well, the first
meal had an Italian theme.
Big-a mistake-a.
So then I did a fish fry
which turned into a fish fire.
Why is the popcorn maker out?
I had to watch a movie
while the smoke cleared.
Oh, my God, Oscar.
Okay, I know you mean well,
but in the last week,
you have destroyed my kitchen,
you shrunk my clothes,
and you stained my rug.
I think you are minimizing
the napkin triumph.
I'll go clean the kitchen.
No, no, no, no, I'll do it.
You'll just make it worse.
- What? No. I can do it.
- No, I can handle it, Evan.
Well, that was... shriveling.
(sighs)
I'm sorry. Just cleaning up your messes
makes me feel like your mom.
Ugh. That's not good.
What is happening to us?
I know. We had so my fun
while we were on vacation.
Yeah.
'Cause all we had to do was have fun.
We had maids and waiters
to take care of us.
Did we ruin something that was working
by moving in together too soon?
Maybe.
I mean, when we weren't
living together,
we were just enjoying
the fun parts of a relationship.
Maybe we should... go back to that.
What are you saying?
I'm saying we stay together,
but I move out?
I like the sound of that.
Say it again.
I'm moving out.
Oh.
Keep going.
I'm not going to live here anymore.
That's it.
Felix, here I come.
- No. No.
- Yeah, I knew the minute I said that.
Ooh, the next course.
Teddy, I know you're a bratwurst fan.
Somebody's been on my Pinterest page.
And, Dani, you've been complaining
about dry skin, so... Yeah.
I whipped you up a lotion of
rose hips and Shea butter.
Your hands will thank me.
Oh.
Thank you, Felix.
My pleasure.
Felix, is all this pampering
because you don't have Oscar
to take care of anymore?
(laughing): I don't even know
what you're talking about.
- Oh.
- Teddy,
don't move!
You're more lint than man right now.
What?
(laughing)
That tickles.
(laughing)
I didn't say stop.
(laughing):
Oh, right there, right there.
- There.
- Hey, guys.
Oh. I see
you're lint-rolling Teddy now.
Oscar,
your show starts in two
minutes. Come on, Teddy.
Mm-hmm.
So the new roommate is
working out great, then?
Oh, he is, um, really something.
How's everything up in your love nest?
- Oh, so much love.
- Mm.
Great. I'm happy for you.
- Not as happy as I am for you.
- (laughs)
Looks like this, uh, move
worked out for both of us.
Absolutely. (laughing)
Oscar, there's a...
there's a little hint
of, uh, lint on your shirt there.
Oh.
- I don't know how this thing works.
- Stop. Stop. It's more of a...
It's more of a sweeping motion.
It's a lint roller, not a lint dagger.
Can you... help me?
Do you want me to help you?
I do want you to help me.
Oh, thank God. I miss
doing things for you!
And I miss doing nothing!
I want you to move back in!
- I want to move back in, too!
- Oh!
(whirring)
(whispering): Damn it! Neil's home.
Vicki. Felix.
- Neil.
- Armstrong.
Neil, I have a request,
and I'm going to make it
as efficient as possible.
- Leave.
- What?
Pack your things.
Oscar's moving back in.
Oh. The lease I signed
legally entitles me
to stay here for one year.
And why would I leave
when this apartment is equidistant
from my work, my parents
and the woman destined
to become my lover?
I'm not going anywhere.
Vicki, come!
What are we gonna do?
We need to convince Neil
Armstrong to take one small step
out of our apartment and...
Just keep walking.
Wow. You... you really
don't know your history.
No, no.
Oh, sorry, Neil.
Elevator's out.
- Just so inefficient.
- Hmm.
Well, not for me.
Taking the stairs will count
as my workout.
I just saved an hour a day.
(playing Chopin's
"Nocturne in E-Flat Major")
- (music stops)
- Oh. Sorry, Neil.
I should have warned you.
My Kronos Quartet cover band meets here
thrice weekly for midnight rehearsals.
Aha.
A little "Nocturne" in the nocturne.
(quietly):
He knew the name of the piece
and revealed it in a clever way.
This is not good!
Shall we take it from the top?
(playing Chopin's
"Nocturne in E-Flat Major")
Damn it, we sound sublime!
Namaste, Neil!
Oh.
So steamy. Hot yoga!
(sighs)
My butt crack's like Splash Mountain.
And I'm going to move away from Teddy.
I'm actually certified
in Jivamukti Yoga,
and you're doing everything
- wrong.
- (groans)
Let me go jump into my Lululemons.
Aah. It's hopeless.
- Nothing's worked.
- Yeah.
We should turn the heat off
before Mr. Novak complains.
Oh, he moved out two weeks ago.
Which means that apartment's empty.
You mean we could kill Neil
and put his body parts up there?
Or we get Neil to take that apartment.
Oh, yeah, let's try that.
Yes, that's better, that's better.
FELIX: Neil,
this place would be perfect for you!
It's the same layout
with an even better view!
I don't know.
Seven extra seconds on the elevator
times two round trips a day over a year
equals just over 2.83 hours wasted.
Hmm.
Well, I've made my decision.
Any chance it's a yes?
Your simplicity is childlike.
Well, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I don't even want to go
back down to the apartment.
Yeah, I understand. I can't
go back to Charlotte's place.
She's having the whole
kitchen repainted.
Oh, God, did you cook?
Want to just hang out here for a while?
- Sure.
- Hmm.
- Wish I had all my TVs up here.
- Mm.
These buckets aren't
exactly posterior friendly.
I wish we had our couch.
Coffee table could go right here.
I could throw my socks
right over there.
We'd be roommates!
- Again!
- (laughter)
So much hugging.
Yeah, that's enough
hugging for a whole year.
And that completes the tour.
What do you think?
It's the same damn apartment!
No, it is not.
The stain on the old floors
was maple cherry.
And these floors are...?
Oak toffee! Open your eyes, people!
I'm just glad
you guys are roommates again.
Now we have someplace to hang out.
I've tried their place.
Too many smelly candles.
You ladies have a problem.
Well, you're always welcome up here.
Consider this your home away from home.
(honking)
Felix, what the hell?
Ah, sorry. It's the higher altitude.
It's 18 feet higher.
Well, tell that to my sinuses.
It's 18 feet higher!
Okay, even with my impaired nose,
I can tell that you have not
unpacked your toothbrush.
And I can tell that you have not
unpacked the stick up your butt!
They're back, ladies and gentlemen!