The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Chess Nuts - full transcript
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All right, good women of New York,
get ready to meet...
...your creepy Uncle Oscar.
Hey, Oscar.
No, I'm not!
I just came by to
borrow Felix's chess set.
What makes you think
Felix has a chess set?
It's for my son Andre.
I've been trying to get him into sports,
but the poor little
guy can't run, throw,
catch, hit.
He even has trouble standing.
They put him in the outfield,
he kept falling over.
Yeah, I had the same
problem in softball,
except it was tequila-related.
Hey, Felix.
You mind if I, uh, borrow
your chess set for my son?
Oh, he's given up on athletics?
Good for him.
His teenage years
will be free of injury.
And girlfriends.
Well, Oscar, I may have
resolved my issues with Norman.
Our doorman?
You have have a doorman
named Norman?
Yes, and he's terrible.
He just stands there, holding
the door open for people.
That bastard.
No, that's all he does.
He won't do anything else.
He won't clean the
smudges off the glass.
He wears his uniform cap
intentionally off-kilter
like a rapper singer.
And worst of all...
Please don't bring up
that stupid thing you want him to say.
We live in a building
called The Royal Arms.
Would it be so hard to send
us off with an uplifting
"Have a royal day"?
So this morning,
he barely grunted at me,
and I took matters into my own hands.
Felix, what did you do?
I sent a strongly worded
text to building management,
including a string of angry emojis.
Including, yes,
the guy with steam
coming out of his ears.
No, we can't piss Norman off!
He's keeping our secret.
What secret?
The lease is in Gaby's name.
If the building finds out,
we'll lose our rent control.
You didn't change the
lease after the divorce?
I didn't change my
pants after the divorce!
Oscar, why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd give
me a lecture on ethics.
Well, that's right because
when we lie to others we...
You take the stairs.
How did you?
I'm winded from the elevator ride.
Look at him over there.
Slouching like a teenage pot fiend.
Let me handle this.
Norman!
Oh, hey, Mr. Madison!
Mr. Unger.
Hey, you know how we're always
talking about the Knicks,
'cause we're such good friends?
Well, I've got two tickets
I'd love to give you,
you know, because we're...
such good friends.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Madison!
Oh, and, also Mr. Unger has something
he'd like to say to you...
don't you, Mr. Unger?
Um, yes, Norman, I, um,
crossed the line with some emojis
that I texted to building management.
That, uh, smiling pile of excrement?
That's not who I am.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
I just wish you told me earlier.
What do you mean?
Well, Mrs. Lacroix
from building management
called to issue me a formal reprimand.
Oh, yeah, she seems tough but fair.
The thing is I might've accidentally
mentioned to her your
little lease secret.
Yeah.
She seemed pretty upset.
Said she'd have to raise your rent.
Plus you'll owe money in back rent.
Yep, "tough but fair."
But friends...
us...
such good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You've always been good to me.
Unlike some people.
Well, don't worry.
Some people are gonna
get what's coming to them.
Just a reminder,
some people have pepper spray.
Hey, Mr. Unger?
You have yourself a royal day.
I know they're a long shot
but put 500 bucks on Boston.
Score more!
Score less!
Run faster!
Come in third!
Hello, Oscar!
No! No!
Yes!
I said third!
What's going on?
Because of stupid Felix, I
have to come up with ten grand
or I'll lose the apartment,
so I'm betting on jai alai.
Quick question.
What's jai alai?
Stupid Felix already paid
his half of the back rent
and it's not his fault that
you haven't saved a penny.
Oscar, why can't you just sell
some of your sports memorabilia?
What about that-that baseball
signed by the '69 Mets?
The '69 Mets? No way!
That's my favorite team.
And the funniest year.
I'm not giving that up for 11 grand.
- I thought you said ten.
- It was.
But I lost a grand on
the Westminster Dog Show.
Great Dane?
More like mediocre Dane.
Oscar, this is not good.
You know you have a
problem with gambling.
No!
You don't have a problem with gambling?
Oh, yeah, big problem.
I was yelling because Britain
elected a Labor Party guy,
and I had my money on the opposition.
Hey, everybody! You remember Andre.
Hello, hello.
Aw, hey, little guy.
How's it going?
Good!
Now that I don't have
to play softball anymore.
That ball goes really fast.
And it's not that soft.
Hey, thanks for the lesson, Felix.
We tried watching a chess
video, but then we fell asleep
because we were watching a chess video.
Of course, I'm happy
to show him the basics.
But just remember, Andre,
everything in moderation.
Chess is a wonderful
hobby, but it's only a game.
It's only a game.
Can we sit the whole time?
And will there be snacks?
Yes.
Carrot sticks!
I don't think I'm gonna like chess.
Yes! No!
Punt! Spike!
Sorry!
Ah, it has been 30 years since
I surveyed this landscape.
64 squares, 32 pieces,
black versus wh...
why don't we get started?
So, uh, how do you know
so much about chess?
Oh, I dabbled when I was younger.
I was actually nationally ranked.
Really? You never told me that.
If you were so good, why'd you stop?
Oh, you know, when you hit adolescence,
a boy's thoughts turn to other things.
Like the cello.
Say, Felix, don't people make money
betting on chess?
Yes, some unsavory
types meet in the parks
to flout the law and sully
the integrity of the game.
And you're really good at chess?
Yes, because of my ability
to always see five moves ahead.
So the answer to the question
you are going to ask me is no.
Well, the question I was about to ask
is "Will you not play chess for money?"
So, you know, ha!
Andre, I'm sorry that
you have to see this.
Gambling has no part
in this noble pursuit.
Oh, he's just glad he doesn't have
to go outside and run around.
Can you imagine?
Come on, Felix, help me out here.
You're the reason Norman turned us in.
And if I don't come up
with my half of the rent,
I'm gonna have to move in with Dani.
That's your backup plan?
You need to backup off that backup plan.
Okay, fine, I'll play.
But just to keep us off of the streets
and only until you make your 11,000.
Then we stop.
12... my lumberjack
just fell off his log.
Look at us, Clem.
A couple of brothers
from Sioux City, Iowa
taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Aren't you laying it on a bit thick?
If we're doing this,
we're doing this my way,
with dramatic flair and a
strong narrative through-line.
Why, lookie!
They's a-playin' chess.
And with fancy pieces.
Not a rock in the bunch.
You want to play?
We play for money... $50.
$50?!
But we were saving that money
to go see the Blue Man Group.
Oh, please, Clem?
Pa always said I was
good at Bo-ard game.
We play speed chess.
You go first.
Ooh.
Whoa!
You city boys play a lot faster
than we do back in Iowa.
You okay there, brother?
Uh, yeah, just a...
little bit rusty, that's all.
Checkmate!
Don't make sad face.
Blue Man Group just
weirdoes playing drums.
As they say here in New York,
what the hell, man?
I'm sorry.
But this gentleman is very, very good.
Maybe he'll let me try again...
for $100 this time.
Well, slap my slippers
and call me Sally!
I just won my fourth game in a row!
You did great! They totally bought it!
Uh, that's-that's right.
Our kinfolk totally bought us
those Blue Man Group tickets,
so we best skedaddle!
Maybe hit some parks along the way.
Mighty fine thinking.
I don't like the way you're
looking at that money, Oscar.
What's not to like?
We won back half the
money I owe in two days.
Mm-hmm, I've seen you on this
gambling roller coaster before.
This is the happy part
where you stack up the money
in the cute little piles.
The next part is me
telling a guy named Vito
that you're with Jesus now.
Not a tip! Not a tip!
I'm trying to get
Oscar to stop gambling.
It's not gambling if it's a sure thing.
You know what Felix told me?
He was nationally ranked as a kid.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, and considering how much
he likes to talk about himself,
it's weird that he never brought it up.
Everything about him
has been weird lately.
He's distracted.
Talking to himself.
Canceling plans.
We've just been busy playing chess.
It's totally harmless.
Really? This morning,
he left a cereal bowl in my sink.
And it was oatmeal.
Unrinsed.
Ooh!
Girl, that dries hard.
Mm-hmm.
Geez, I hope the little guy's okay...
...to keep making money!
Oh! Another great show.
I get such a rush being on
the radio with you, Oscar.
And I love it when you chime in,
but you gotta cool it
with the "aww" sound
whenever I tell a heartwarming story.
I didn't know I did
that. I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, it's all good.
You're doing great.
I couldn't do the show without you.
Aww.
- That was it, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I just did it.
Oscar, I think we have a problem.
What's going on?
I was worried about Felix,
so I did what any good
girlfriend would do.
I snooped around the Internet
to find out what he's hiding from me.
He's got a wife and kids somewhere.
I knew it.
That's why he's always cleaning,
he's got a dirty conscience.
No.
Oscar mentioned that he
was nationally ranked,
so I did some digging and...
I found this.
It's a local newscast from 1984.
This is Joyce Copello
reporting from the Junior
State Chess Championships.
It was supposed to be a board game,
but in the end, no one was bored.
It was all smiles as
the region's top players,
Joshua Norwall and Felix Unger,
prepared to do battle.
Huh.
Felix still has that tie.
Aww.
I did it again.
Coming off 17 straight victories,
Felix began the game with confidence.
But a series of surprise
moves left him rattled...
until finally, the
pressure took its toll.
Oscar, look what you've done.
You've unleashed a monster!
Mmm... mm!
You also do that one a lot, too.
Yeah. Nice try.
Oh, queenside countergambit?
Not on my watch.
Oh, wow, was that move a joke?
Are you a comedian?
I didn't know I was playing Don Rickles.
Felix?
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Felix, there are plenty of ways
for us to make money.
Oh, I already made your back rent.
Plus a little bit extra.
Felix, I don't care about your money.
Yeah, sweetie, I just
want you to come home.
And to stop saying "king takes queen"
whenever we... you know.
I can't. I'm in training.
I'm getting back into the
world of competitive chess.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
But it's been such a long time.
Yes, I know, but it's
all coming back to me.
Just like I imagine
riding a bike would be.
But it would help
if somebody here could
give me a challenge.
Check!
Czechoslovakia!
Anton Chekov.
Check's in the mail.
I got more puns than players!
Felix... stop.
We saw the video
of your... meltdown
at the chess tournament.
You did?
Plus, we saw this hilarious mash-up
of you freaking out to
the tune of the "Macarena."
Which was mean and hard to watch
the... four times I watched it.
We're just concerned
that you might revert back to that.
Well, you needn't worry.
I was under a lot of pressure back then.
But I can handle it now.
I just don't understand.
Why do you want this?
Ever since that tournament,
I wondered, what if?
What if I had kept my cool?
What if I had beaten Joshua?
What might my life have become?
I could have been
destined for greatness.
I could be a household name
like Magnus Carlsen or José Capablanca.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have a lot of catching up to do.
Listen, Emily, I've seen him
go through a lot of phases...
jujitsu, falconry,
that stupid monocle...
Maybe this is just something
that he has to get out of his system.
No, you don't get a do-over!
This isn't chess camp!
Oh, here come the waterworks!
Also, we're gonna need a plan.
Oh. Hello.
Oscar, who's your friend?
He's not here for Oscar.
He's here for you.
Oh, my God.
Is it...
Yes, it is.
Joshua Norwall, your old chess opponent.
Hey, Felix.
Last time I saw you,
you were having your little meltdown.
Which I put on YouTube
to the tune of the "Macarena."
That was you?
Yeah.
Shame.
Oscar, Emily, a word?
What is he doing here?
I tracked him down so you
could finally finish that game.
Why would I want to do that?
Because you always wondered
what would life would be
like had you beaten Joshua.
Yeah, maybe this will
finally give you some closure.
No. This is ridiculous.
I'm not playing him.
I see history is repeating itself.
Are your mom and dad
gonna drape your winter
coat over your shoulders
and escort you to your
wood-paneled station wagon?
That's it.
Game on, Josh.
Ua. It's Josh-ua.
Hey, Andre's here for his lesson.
Oh, excellent. Change of plans, Andre.
Today, we're taking a field trip...
to the Museum of Whup-Ass.
That sounds like a lot of walking.
The only walking you'll see
is me, on sunshine,
after I beat this clown.
Oh, he's try trying
to get inside my head.
A head he so covets
because it's covered in beautiful hair.
Burn!
Ah, the Konikowski Gambit.
Ooh-ooh, predictable as ever.
As is your Sicilian Defense, Josh.
Okay, ua! Josh-ua!
God, I want to bully
them so bad right now.
I've never had a stronger urge
to give a grown man a wet willy.
Oscar, what if Felix loses?
Hey, have a little faith, will you?
Ah, you fell right into my
Blackburn-Schilling Trap.
I'm going to win!
Andre, I'm going to win!
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why would you expose your
queen so early in the match?
I don't know.
Dumb mistake, I guess.
Oscar...
did you tell him to lose?
What? No.
You're clearly better than this hack.
Then why did you feel
the need to pay me?
Oh, oops.
You paid him to throw the game?
Why?
Because I'm worried about you.
We all are.
Well, you needn't be.
I know what I'm doing.
Now let's play again,
- for real this time.
- Oh, my pleasure.
But I'm not giving the money back.
I'm going to Space Camp.
Well, I suppose we're out on the street,
now that you blew our rent
money on this little stunt.
Nope, I already paid the building.
Well, how'd you pay him?
Ua! Oops, sorry, I thought
you were gonna say "Josh."
I sold my '69 Mets baseball.
Okay, let's go, Unger.
We don't have all...
Ha-ha, ah, '69.
Oscar, you loved that ball.
You know what, Josh... ua?
I don't think I want to play anymore.
Uh... you mean you don't want to lose.
No, I already won.
I think that losing
years ago was a blessing.
Because it led me to
the life that I have now.
Okay.
And what kind of life is that?
The life of a chess has-been?
I don't care about any of that.
Uh, yeah, because you're not
the Northeast Regional
Speed Chess Co-Champion
for three unconsecutive years.
And P.S.,
the last tournament?
Emceed by Al Roker.
So dreams do come true.
You know what?
I don't think I want
to play chess anymore.
Oh, son...
you don't want to play sports,
you don't want to play chess...
We gotta find something
that you're passionate about.
I already found it.
I want to dance.
Oh! Hey!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, he's amazing, right?
No, I left an unrinsed oatmeal bowl
in Emily's sink!
Seriously?
It adds to my mystique.
Oh, afternoon, Mr. Madison.
Unauthorized roommate.
Actually, Norman, we
just signed a new lease.
Felix and I are legit tenants.
That's right, we made it legal.
Oh.
Good for you.
No, not...
Okay, thanks.
And, Norman, now that
I'm a full-fledged tenant,
I hope that we could open up a dialogue.
Sure. Why not?
And to that end,
I have put together a few pointers
to help you achieve
excellence in doormanry.
"Number one: Put some pep in your step.
"Be a doorman, not a snore...
man."
Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Unger.
Ooh, I also have a list.
Maybe I could share that
with building management.
Number one: You stealing
flowers from the lobby.
I was removing carnations!
They're a filler flower!
Would you excuse us, please?
Ah, ah...
You have yourself a royal day.
I know, I know, I know.
All right, good women of New York,
get ready to meet...
...your creepy Uncle Oscar.
Hey, Oscar.
No, I'm not!
I just came by to
borrow Felix's chess set.
What makes you think
Felix has a chess set?
It's for my son Andre.
I've been trying to get him into sports,
but the poor little
guy can't run, throw,
catch, hit.
He even has trouble standing.
They put him in the outfield,
he kept falling over.
Yeah, I had the same
problem in softball,
except it was tequila-related.
Hey, Felix.
You mind if I, uh, borrow
your chess set for my son?
Oh, he's given up on athletics?
Good for him.
His teenage years
will be free of injury.
And girlfriends.
Well, Oscar, I may have
resolved my issues with Norman.
Our doorman?
You have have a doorman
named Norman?
Yes, and he's terrible.
He just stands there, holding
the door open for people.
That bastard.
No, that's all he does.
He won't do anything else.
He won't clean the
smudges off the glass.
He wears his uniform cap
intentionally off-kilter
like a rapper singer.
And worst of all...
Please don't bring up
that stupid thing you want him to say.
We live in a building
called The Royal Arms.
Would it be so hard to send
us off with an uplifting
"Have a royal day"?
So this morning,
he barely grunted at me,
and I took matters into my own hands.
Felix, what did you do?
I sent a strongly worded
text to building management,
including a string of angry emojis.
Including, yes,
the guy with steam
coming out of his ears.
No, we can't piss Norman off!
He's keeping our secret.
What secret?
The lease is in Gaby's name.
If the building finds out,
we'll lose our rent control.
You didn't change the
lease after the divorce?
I didn't change my
pants after the divorce!
Oscar, why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd give
me a lecture on ethics.
Well, that's right because
when we lie to others we...
You take the stairs.
How did you?
I'm winded from the elevator ride.
Look at him over there.
Slouching like a teenage pot fiend.
Let me handle this.
Norman!
Oh, hey, Mr. Madison!
Mr. Unger.
Hey, you know how we're always
talking about the Knicks,
'cause we're such good friends?
Well, I've got two tickets
I'd love to give you,
you know, because we're...
such good friends.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Madison!
Oh, and, also Mr. Unger has something
he'd like to say to you...
don't you, Mr. Unger?
Um, yes, Norman, I, um,
crossed the line with some emojis
that I texted to building management.
That, uh, smiling pile of excrement?
That's not who I am.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
I just wish you told me earlier.
What do you mean?
Well, Mrs. Lacroix
from building management
called to issue me a formal reprimand.
Oh, yeah, she seems tough but fair.
The thing is I might've accidentally
mentioned to her your
little lease secret.
Yeah.
She seemed pretty upset.
Said she'd have to raise your rent.
Plus you'll owe money in back rent.
Yep, "tough but fair."
But friends...
us...
such good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You've always been good to me.
Unlike some people.
Well, don't worry.
Some people are gonna
get what's coming to them.
Just a reminder,
some people have pepper spray.
Hey, Mr. Unger?
You have yourself a royal day.
I know they're a long shot
but put 500 bucks on Boston.
Score more!
Score less!
Run faster!
Come in third!
Hello, Oscar!
No! No!
Yes!
I said third!
What's going on?
Because of stupid Felix, I
have to come up with ten grand
or I'll lose the apartment,
so I'm betting on jai alai.
Quick question.
What's jai alai?
Stupid Felix already paid
his half of the back rent
and it's not his fault that
you haven't saved a penny.
Oscar, why can't you just sell
some of your sports memorabilia?
What about that-that baseball
signed by the '69 Mets?
The '69 Mets? No way!
That's my favorite team.
And the funniest year.
I'm not giving that up for 11 grand.
- I thought you said ten.
- It was.
But I lost a grand on
the Westminster Dog Show.
Great Dane?
More like mediocre Dane.
Oscar, this is not good.
You know you have a
problem with gambling.
No!
You don't have a problem with gambling?
Oh, yeah, big problem.
I was yelling because Britain
elected a Labor Party guy,
and I had my money on the opposition.
Hey, everybody! You remember Andre.
Hello, hello.
Aw, hey, little guy.
How's it going?
Good!
Now that I don't have
to play softball anymore.
That ball goes really fast.
And it's not that soft.
Hey, thanks for the lesson, Felix.
We tried watching a chess
video, but then we fell asleep
because we were watching a chess video.
Of course, I'm happy
to show him the basics.
But just remember, Andre,
everything in moderation.
Chess is a wonderful
hobby, but it's only a game.
It's only a game.
Can we sit the whole time?
And will there be snacks?
Yes.
Carrot sticks!
I don't think I'm gonna like chess.
Yes! No!
Punt! Spike!
Sorry!
Ah, it has been 30 years since
I surveyed this landscape.
64 squares, 32 pieces,
black versus wh...
why don't we get started?
So, uh, how do you know
so much about chess?
Oh, I dabbled when I was younger.
I was actually nationally ranked.
Really? You never told me that.
If you were so good, why'd you stop?
Oh, you know, when you hit adolescence,
a boy's thoughts turn to other things.
Like the cello.
Say, Felix, don't people make money
betting on chess?
Yes, some unsavory
types meet in the parks
to flout the law and sully
the integrity of the game.
And you're really good at chess?
Yes, because of my ability
to always see five moves ahead.
So the answer to the question
you are going to ask me is no.
Well, the question I was about to ask
is "Will you not play chess for money?"
So, you know, ha!
Andre, I'm sorry that
you have to see this.
Gambling has no part
in this noble pursuit.
Oh, he's just glad he doesn't have
to go outside and run around.
Can you imagine?
Come on, Felix, help me out here.
You're the reason Norman turned us in.
And if I don't come up
with my half of the rent,
I'm gonna have to move in with Dani.
That's your backup plan?
You need to backup off that backup plan.
Okay, fine, I'll play.
But just to keep us off of the streets
and only until you make your 11,000.
Then we stop.
12... my lumberjack
just fell off his log.
Look at us, Clem.
A couple of brothers
from Sioux City, Iowa
taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Aren't you laying it on a bit thick?
If we're doing this,
we're doing this my way,
with dramatic flair and a
strong narrative through-line.
Why, lookie!
They's a-playin' chess.
And with fancy pieces.
Not a rock in the bunch.
You want to play?
We play for money... $50.
$50?!
But we were saving that money
to go see the Blue Man Group.
Oh, please, Clem?
Pa always said I was
good at Bo-ard game.
We play speed chess.
You go first.
Ooh.
Whoa!
You city boys play a lot faster
than we do back in Iowa.
You okay there, brother?
Uh, yeah, just a...
little bit rusty, that's all.
Checkmate!
Don't make sad face.
Blue Man Group just
weirdoes playing drums.
As they say here in New York,
what the hell, man?
I'm sorry.
But this gentleman is very, very good.
Maybe he'll let me try again...
for $100 this time.
Well, slap my slippers
and call me Sally!
I just won my fourth game in a row!
You did great! They totally bought it!
Uh, that's-that's right.
Our kinfolk totally bought us
those Blue Man Group tickets,
so we best skedaddle!
Maybe hit some parks along the way.
Mighty fine thinking.
I don't like the way you're
looking at that money, Oscar.
What's not to like?
We won back half the
money I owe in two days.
Mm-hmm, I've seen you on this
gambling roller coaster before.
This is the happy part
where you stack up the money
in the cute little piles.
The next part is me
telling a guy named Vito
that you're with Jesus now.
Not a tip! Not a tip!
I'm trying to get
Oscar to stop gambling.
It's not gambling if it's a sure thing.
You know what Felix told me?
He was nationally ranked as a kid.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, and considering how much
he likes to talk about himself,
it's weird that he never brought it up.
Everything about him
has been weird lately.
He's distracted.
Talking to himself.
Canceling plans.
We've just been busy playing chess.
It's totally harmless.
Really? This morning,
he left a cereal bowl in my sink.
And it was oatmeal.
Unrinsed.
Ooh!
Girl, that dries hard.
Mm-hmm.
Geez, I hope the little guy's okay...
...to keep making money!
Oh! Another great show.
I get such a rush being on
the radio with you, Oscar.
And I love it when you chime in,
but you gotta cool it
with the "aww" sound
whenever I tell a heartwarming story.
I didn't know I did
that. I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, it's all good.
You're doing great.
I couldn't do the show without you.
Aww.
- That was it, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I just did it.
Oscar, I think we have a problem.
What's going on?
I was worried about Felix,
so I did what any good
girlfriend would do.
I snooped around the Internet
to find out what he's hiding from me.
He's got a wife and kids somewhere.
I knew it.
That's why he's always cleaning,
he's got a dirty conscience.
No.
Oscar mentioned that he
was nationally ranked,
so I did some digging and...
I found this.
It's a local newscast from 1984.
This is Joyce Copello
reporting from the Junior
State Chess Championships.
It was supposed to be a board game,
but in the end, no one was bored.
It was all smiles as
the region's top players,
Joshua Norwall and Felix Unger,
prepared to do battle.
Huh.
Felix still has that tie.
Aww.
I did it again.
Coming off 17 straight victories,
Felix began the game with confidence.
But a series of surprise
moves left him rattled...
until finally, the
pressure took its toll.
Oscar, look what you've done.
You've unleashed a monster!
Mmm... mm!
You also do that one a lot, too.
Yeah. Nice try.
Oh, queenside countergambit?
Not on my watch.
Oh, wow, was that move a joke?
Are you a comedian?
I didn't know I was playing Don Rickles.
Felix?
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Felix, there are plenty of ways
for us to make money.
Oh, I already made your back rent.
Plus a little bit extra.
Felix, I don't care about your money.
Yeah, sweetie, I just
want you to come home.
And to stop saying "king takes queen"
whenever we... you know.
I can't. I'm in training.
I'm getting back into the
world of competitive chess.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
But it's been such a long time.
Yes, I know, but it's
all coming back to me.
Just like I imagine
riding a bike would be.
But it would help
if somebody here could
give me a challenge.
Check!
Czechoslovakia!
Anton Chekov.
Check's in the mail.
I got more puns than players!
Felix... stop.
We saw the video
of your... meltdown
at the chess tournament.
You did?
Plus, we saw this hilarious mash-up
of you freaking out to
the tune of the "Macarena."
Which was mean and hard to watch
the... four times I watched it.
We're just concerned
that you might revert back to that.
Well, you needn't worry.
I was under a lot of pressure back then.
But I can handle it now.
I just don't understand.
Why do you want this?
Ever since that tournament,
I wondered, what if?
What if I had kept my cool?
What if I had beaten Joshua?
What might my life have become?
I could have been
destined for greatness.
I could be a household name
like Magnus Carlsen or José Capablanca.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have a lot of catching up to do.
Listen, Emily, I've seen him
go through a lot of phases...
jujitsu, falconry,
that stupid monocle...
Maybe this is just something
that he has to get out of his system.
No, you don't get a do-over!
This isn't chess camp!
Oh, here come the waterworks!
Also, we're gonna need a plan.
Oh. Hello.
Oscar, who's your friend?
He's not here for Oscar.
He's here for you.
Oh, my God.
Is it...
Yes, it is.
Joshua Norwall, your old chess opponent.
Hey, Felix.
Last time I saw you,
you were having your little meltdown.
Which I put on YouTube
to the tune of the "Macarena."
That was you?
Yeah.
Shame.
Oscar, Emily, a word?
What is he doing here?
I tracked him down so you
could finally finish that game.
Why would I want to do that?
Because you always wondered
what would life would be
like had you beaten Joshua.
Yeah, maybe this will
finally give you some closure.
No. This is ridiculous.
I'm not playing him.
I see history is repeating itself.
Are your mom and dad
gonna drape your winter
coat over your shoulders
and escort you to your
wood-paneled station wagon?
That's it.
Game on, Josh.
Ua. It's Josh-ua.
Hey, Andre's here for his lesson.
Oh, excellent. Change of plans, Andre.
Today, we're taking a field trip...
to the Museum of Whup-Ass.
That sounds like a lot of walking.
The only walking you'll see
is me, on sunshine,
after I beat this clown.
Oh, he's try trying
to get inside my head.
A head he so covets
because it's covered in beautiful hair.
Burn!
Ah, the Konikowski Gambit.
Ooh-ooh, predictable as ever.
As is your Sicilian Defense, Josh.
Okay, ua! Josh-ua!
God, I want to bully
them so bad right now.
I've never had a stronger urge
to give a grown man a wet willy.
Oscar, what if Felix loses?
Hey, have a little faith, will you?
Ah, you fell right into my
Blackburn-Schilling Trap.
I'm going to win!
Andre, I'm going to win!
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why would you expose your
queen so early in the match?
I don't know.
Dumb mistake, I guess.
Oscar...
did you tell him to lose?
What? No.
You're clearly better than this hack.
Then why did you feel
the need to pay me?
Oh, oops.
You paid him to throw the game?
Why?
Because I'm worried about you.
We all are.
Well, you needn't be.
I know what I'm doing.
Now let's play again,
- for real this time.
- Oh, my pleasure.
But I'm not giving the money back.
I'm going to Space Camp.
Well, I suppose we're out on the street,
now that you blew our rent
money on this little stunt.
Nope, I already paid the building.
Well, how'd you pay him?
Ua! Oops, sorry, I thought
you were gonna say "Josh."
I sold my '69 Mets baseball.
Okay, let's go, Unger.
We don't have all...
Ha-ha, ah, '69.
Oscar, you loved that ball.
You know what, Josh... ua?
I don't think I want to play anymore.
Uh... you mean you don't want to lose.
No, I already won.
I think that losing
years ago was a blessing.
Because it led me to
the life that I have now.
Okay.
And what kind of life is that?
The life of a chess has-been?
I don't care about any of that.
Uh, yeah, because you're not
the Northeast Regional
Speed Chess Co-Champion
for three unconsecutive years.
And P.S.,
the last tournament?
Emceed by Al Roker.
So dreams do come true.
You know what?
I don't think I want
to play chess anymore.
Oh, son...
you don't want to play sports,
you don't want to play chess...
We gotta find something
that you're passionate about.
I already found it.
I want to dance.
Oh! Hey!
Oh, my God!
Yeah, he's amazing, right?
No, I left an unrinsed oatmeal bowl
in Emily's sink!
Seriously?
It adds to my mystique.
Oh, afternoon, Mr. Madison.
Unauthorized roommate.
Actually, Norman, we
just signed a new lease.
Felix and I are legit tenants.
That's right, we made it legal.
Oh.
Good for you.
No, not...
Okay, thanks.
And, Norman, now that
I'm a full-fledged tenant,
I hope that we could open up a dialogue.
Sure. Why not?
And to that end,
I have put together a few pointers
to help you achieve
excellence in doormanry.
"Number one: Put some pep in your step.
"Be a doorman, not a snore...
man."
Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Unger.
Ooh, I also have a list.
Maybe I could share that
with building management.
Number one: You stealing
flowers from the lobby.
I was removing carnations!
They're a filler flower!
Would you excuse us, please?
Ah, ah...
You have yourself a royal day.
I know, I know, I know.