The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - A Dinner Engagement - full transcript

Don't you look handsome.

I have to. I've got this
super-hot girlfriend.

She's smart, successful,
can't keep her hands off me.

Can't keep her hands off me.

Mmm.

So, what's this restaurant
you're taking me to?

Oh, it's very fancy. No free refills,

a lot of things are "market price."

Please don't order those things.

Hey, if you're getting
lucky, I'm getting lobster.

Uh, the new sitter should be here soon.



Oh, you got a new sitter?

You mean since you dated

and dumped my last one? Yes.

This one's a 60-year-old
former Olympic shot-putter

with unfortunate facial hair.

Big boobs?

Mmm.

Mommy.

I don't feel good.

Oh, sweetheart. Come here.

Um, Evan,

this is Oscar, Mommy's new friend.

Hi. Nice to meet you, big guy.

Little man. Little buddy.



Honey child.

Jump in here anytime.

Where does it hurt?

My tummy.

Do you have to go out, Mommy?

Uh...

I'm sorry, but would
you mind if we stayed in

and watched a movie? I can cancel Olga.

Boy, you will do
anything to keep me away

from that hairy shot-putter.

I'll be right back.

So, your tummy hurts, huh?

That's no fun, right?

Yep. Sucks to be sick.

I'm not sick.

What do you... What?

Here you go, sweetie.

Thank you, Mommy.

Poor guy.

- Mwah.
- I have a feeling he'll pull through.

Gustave, yes, Felix Unger.
Just calling to confirm

my dinner reservation
for Saturday night. Yeah.

Table three? Oh, bon. Yes. I'm
trying to recreate my first date

with my girlfriend, minus

that violinist whose
A-string was so flat

it might as well have been a G-string.

Oh, Gustave, I will call you back.

Felix, are you planning
something for my birthday?

Oh, no. Just your average dinner.

Followed by a carriage
ride. To a hot air balloon.

Which will take us back to
the roof of this building.

Then down the elevator for dessert.

Felix, I specifically asked
you not to make a fuss.

Yes, but everybody knows
that a request for no fuss

is really an implied request for fuss

at a level of intensity matching

that with which no fuss was requested.

What?

Everybody wants fuss.

Well, I don't.

Why not?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay, but everybody knows

that a request not to talk about
something is an implied request

to talk...

My birthday is cursed!

Cursed? What do you mean?

Ever since I was a little girl,

my birthdays have all been disasters.

Like my tenth birthday,
when my cousin broke my nose

with a piñata stick.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It healed in time for my 11th birthday,

when I got kicked in the face by a pony.

I am more sorry.

And then,

on my 15th birthday,
my fashion-model sister

got her first magazine
cover while I got braces.

Couldn't get any worse.

On my legs.

I get it. If you don't want
to celebrate your birthday,

we won't.

Thank you.

But...

there is no reason I couldn't
host a little dinner party here

on Saturday night that you
and all your closest friends

- just happen to be invited to.
- Felix.

What? If we don't call it a
birthday party, it won't be one.

We'll have a fabulous time
while breaking the curse

for all future birthdays.

I guess if it's just a dinner,

why not?

Ah. That's the spirit!

We'll break the streak.

Yeah. Suck it, curse!

Oh.

Ah. A text from Gustave.

Oh. Apparently our table

was just destroyed by
a falling chandelier.

Now, who wants to make napkin swans?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think
you're going a little overboard?

Wait, you're busy. I'll answer that.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Oscar, this is my chance

to break Emily's bad birthday streak.

Checkmate, curse broken,
"Felix Unger, you are my hero."

Mmm.

Ow.

Guess what. After some
clandestine e-mailing

with Emily's family, I found out

that Emily's dear departed
Grammie used to make her

a special birthday cake. And...

I managed to track down the recipe.

Nothing like Dead Grandma
Cake to break a curse.

Is Charlotte able to make it tonight?

Ow! Stop hurting me.

Yes, Charlotte will be here.
Without Evan, thank God.

Oscar, you've been dating her
for a month. Can't you just tell

her that her son lied about being sick?

Oh, that's a great idea. "You
know that little kid you carried

"inside you for nine
months? He's determined to be

the last one in there."

Why don't you just try to win him over?

How do I do that?

With warmth and charm and charisma.

Or just buy him something.

Yeah.

Aha!

Aah! Hot!

Aah! Hot!

Hello!

My number one client.

I'm just stopping by to wish
you luck on today's show.

Are you sure you're not here
for your latest shoe delivery?

Oh, yeah.

Come to papa.

Oh!

Mint condition 1984 Hamagakis.

Ah.

One sniff and I'm
transported back to a time

before I realized I
sucked at basketball.

Why are you having them delivered here?

Oh, he doesn't just
have them delivered here.

He stores them here and then visits them

like they're his children.

Hi, kids, it's Uncle Oscar.

Your daddy's here.

Oh, please.

I see these shoes way
more than I see my kids.

Why can't you keep them at your house?

Ah, Diane can't know
that I'm buying these.

She wants to spend our
money on a new kitchen.

When we all know the moment
you make that first sandwich

that room loses half its value.

Isn't Diane coming
here for dinner tonight?

Ooh, good point. Oscar,

maybe it's best that we
put those someplace else.

Oh, don't worry. I'll
move 'em. Unless I forget.

Just kidding, I won't.

Unless I do.

Aw! There she is!

Wait, am I allowed to hug you today?

I don't want to catch that curse.

It's not contagious.

Mmm.

Unlike the rabies I
caught at my sweet 16.

Hello, darling.

Wow, it smells amazing.

You said you weren't
gonna make a big deal.

No, I didn't. It's just your average,

pedestrian, run-of-the-mill affair.

With one incredible surprise at the end.

Ooh! I love surprises. Give me a hint.

Um, okay. Uh,

let's just say it's something
you've been thinking about

since you were a little girl.

Ooh!

Ooh!

And one day you will
tell your kids about it.

Huh. Emily, you don't think he means...

What?

Popping the question.

What? A proposal?

That's crazy. We've only been dating

for four months. It's way too soon.

Didn't you say he was gonna
take you back to the restaurant

where you had your first date?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

Felix, do you think I
should have my camera ready

for that surprise?

Absolutely.

Still,

we don't know that that means anything.

And maybe some tissues
for the tears of joy.

Okay, let's not get carried away.

Don't worry. I'm very
levelheaded. That's just one

of the traits that'll make
me a great maid of honor.

That's right. I'm staking my claim.

Wow. That dress is incredible.

Thanks. Felix sent me a
list of acceptable attire.

Your roommate is a little bit...
I want to say "persnickety,"

but I don't think that's anal enough.

Mommy, Olga has a question for you.

Oh. I'll be right back.

Evan, say hi to Oscar.

Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Evan!

Remember that movie
we saw the other night?

I thought maybe you'd like
your own Maldork the Dragon!

It's Maldrak, not Maldork.

Dork.

Did you just double-dork me?

What if I did, dork?

Look, obviously we got
off on the wrong foot here.

I was hoping we'd find

a way to be friends.

Yeah, never gonna happen.

Hey, Oscar.

Thanks for the dragon!

This is awesome!

Oh, what a sweet gift.

Hey, can you check the latch on this?

Is it on?

Oh, it's on.

Here I am.

Looking great but without a date.

Why would you bring a
date when you can have one

wrapped in bacon?

Mmm.

Yum. And this one doesn't
live with his mother.

Excuse me. The amuse-bouche beckons.

Mmm.

I brought my camera and tissues
in case there's a big moment.

Oh, stop it.

I'm just saying I'm a planner.
Which is why

I have some thoughts
about bridesmaids' dresses.

I'm thinking light,
bright, and super tight.

Hello, everybody!

Welcome.

Diane, you look ravishing.

Thank you, Felix.
That's a nicer compliment

than I got from my husband.

I said you looked fine.

Yeah, you said "fine." You didn't say

"fine."

Now, now, now, no
marital discord tonight.

I'm gonna hang this in the closet.

Don't open that door!

Or do whatever you
want. It's your party.

All right, we're here.
The party can start.

Charlotte, that dress is lovely.

Would you mind going
home and changing it?

- What?
- You see, you and Emily are wearing

the exact same color
dress, which is just

the sort of thing that
could take an already anxious

birthday girl and
send her over the edge.

He's joking, right?

Felix, you can't ask
Charlotte to go upstairs,

take off her dress, and...

While he's picturing me
naked, I'll go up and change.

Thank you.

Think about baseball.

All right.

Look at this cake. You made it?

Teddy can't reheat a burrito.

It's Emily's big surprise.

Her beloved grandmother's
special carrot cake.

I love to bake. How many
carrots does she use?

Well, you know, the
recipe only called for two.

Do you think two carrots is enough?

Two carrots is plenty.

Emily's gonna love it.

You know she's going to cry.

And then that maniac told Charlotte

to go back and change her dress.

Mm. My name is Dani Duncan.

I do not approve that message.

Sorry. Dani, can we talk?

Yeah. Oh.

Okay.

What's wrong? You look pale,

and that's saying something
given your starting point.

Dani, I think you might
be right about Felix.

I just heard him talking
about an engagement ring.

Okay, bachelorette party.
What are we thinking?

Party limo, party bus, party
Hummer? What's up? Come on.

Dani, I'm not ready to marry Felix.

I mean, he's amazing,

but we haven't even
said "I love you" yet.

Okay. You're right.

But if you want the good strippers,

you got to book 'em soon.

The sexy firemen go so quick!

Then just a dash of lemon juice,

and you have tonight's
signature cocktail,

the Heavenly Lemony Emily.

Oh.

And if you can say it three times fast,

then you need another one.

For the second time tonight, wow.

Oh, thanks. It's a little tight.

I might need some help
taking it off later.

Oscar, are you okay?

Evan.

Look, it's Evan.

What are you doing here? Where's Olga?

I snuck out. I can't sleep.

What's wrong?

Yes. What's wrong?

Why is there a child at
my grown-up dinner party

that needs to go off without a hitch?

It's the dragon that Oscar gave me.

It's too scary.

It gave me bad dreams.

Oh, I'm sorry. Come here.

You know, I think we might have

to get rid of that little monster.

I couldn't agree more.

And here you go, your
own kiddie cocktail.

I call it the Napoleon because
he was a cute little invader,

just like you.

Maybe we should go.

No, no! Evan's welcome here.

Hey, buddy, come here.

You want to go play
video games in my studio?

Okay, but only if Mommy comes

and checks on me every five minutes.

Every ten.

Seven and a half.

Oh, you're the worst.

Whoa, how many of those have you had?

This is still my first
Heavily Beverly Gemini.

Okay, three... big ones.

- Look, maybe he won't even ask you.
- Right.

Let me do a little recon.

Oh.

Okay, I'm dying to know.
What's Emily's surprise?

Okay, I'm not gonna say
another word about it.

Except that I think it's
the best idea I've ever had,

and Emily's father agrees with me.

Her father?

Mm-hmm. I called him last night,
and he gave me his blessing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, it's definitely happening.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

By the way, when you throw the
bouquet, I'll be to the left.

Get it high, and I will do the rest.

Hey, Mommy, can I get
some shoes like these?

Aw, hell.

Teddy, am I looking at a pair

of retro Japanese basketball shoes?!

Good eye, honey.

I thought you said you hid my stash.

I did, but I forgot
the new ones. I'm sorry.

Size nine and a half?!

Damn it, Teddy, are
you buying shoes again?!

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Those, um... those are... mine.

Oscar, uh, gave them to me.

I did?

Give them to you.

So these are yours, Felix?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Okay, so,

why don't you show us

how they look on you?

I can't think of a reason why not.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm. Size 11.

Oh, yes, but that's in a dress shoe.

In a sneaker,

I'm a snug nine and a half.

Yeah. Wow.

It's like I'm walking on a cloud.

Am I even wearing shoes? I can't tell.

What's that?

It's a birthday gift for Emily.

On her birthday? Are you mad?!

Now put that away, and we'll
never speak of this again.

Oscar, we need to talk.

Maybe I shouldn't say this,

but that little guy is driving me crazy.

You, too? I didn't
think you saw any of it.

How could I not?

It's like he's trying to ruin our night.

Oh, I'm so glad you see it.

Most moms wouldn't admit

that their kid was
being a pain in the ass.

Kid?

We're talking about Evan, right?

I'm talking about Felix.

Well, of course Felix
is a pain in the ass.

That's not news.

So what's your problem with Evan?

Okay.

He lied about being
sick the other night.

He's lying about not being
able to sleep tonight.

He's totally sabotaging us.

Unbelievable, Oscar.

You're attacking a nine-year-old?

A nine-year-old who called me a dork.

Three times!

How are those feet feeling?

Like they're being hoisted
aloft by the hands of angels.

Ow, sweet Lord, the pain.

Oh, my God, it's happening.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I thought that you were about to...
- No, no, no, everything,

everything, everything's fine.

I got this. Nothing to worry about.

Oh! Oh, no!

Uh, Felix!

That is a sickness.

Don't you pin this on fancy pants.

Those are your shoes.

No. No, no. No drama.

Tonight is-is a night of joy,

so let's just, uh, skip
ahead to Emily's big surprise.

Um... Emily.

- From the first moment I saw you...
- Please don't do this.

I knew that you were someone special...

It's not the time.

and that you deserved the
very best of everything.

I really don't.

And that is why, Emily, my darling...

Felix, I don't want to marry you.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

What are you talking about?

I'm not proposing to you.

You're not?

I'm so relieved.

Wait, you're relieved?

Yes, Dani had me convinced
that you were gonna propose.

So the idea of marrying
me is that horrible.

No, it's just too early.

I have no idea if I want to spend

the rest of my life with you.

Well, you're in luck,

'cause I had no intention of asking you.

This whole party was a disaster.

Congratulations, curse!

You win!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

If they only had what we have.

Right, baby?

I'm-a bite you.

I'm here to apologize.

And to see if Olga's
free tomorrow night.

I'm the one who needs to apologize.

I talked to Evan.

And he was trying to break us up.

So I was right!

And wrong to say that.

This is just really hard for him.

I mean, it's so soon after the divorce,

and I guess tonight I realized

he just isn't ready to see me moving on.

Yeah, but you have to move
on eventually, though, right?

I will.

It's just not "eventually" yet.

I get it.

If it was for any other reason...

I know.

It's just been so great,

but maybe we need to push pause for now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna miss our snappy banter.

I'm gonna miss a lot of things.

Just do me one favor.

Let me know when
"eventually" finally comes.

You will be the first one I call.

You did mention needing help
getting out of that dress.

Good night, Oscar.

Good night, Charlotte.

Do you think Felix is still upset?

He must be... he's letting us clean up,

and that's usually his favorite part.

Ugh, why did I overreact like that?

Well, at least there's cake.

Mmm, this tastes just like...

Oh, my God.

Emily, if you don't mind, I
would rather be alone right now.

Stop talking.

I tasted the cake.

That is the most thoughtful,
wonderful surprise

I have ever gotten.

Felix Unger, I love you.

You do?

I love you, too.

And FYI, for the future,
I don't need two carats.

As long as it's a
platinum-set emerald cut

and the clarity is flawless,
then anything is fine.