The O.C. (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't - full transcript

Previously on The O.C.:

You married me
because I was pregnant.

I married you
because I loved you.

I've worked with him
side by side all this time.

How could I have not known

that he was bribing this woman
from the City Council?

I spoke with Renee
Wheeler today.

-I know about the affair.
-What?

16 years is an
awfully long time

to be paying
someone palimony,

unless there was a child.



I'm talking too much.

I get nervous, and I start talking,
and then nothing can shut me up.

If you were to come forward to the
judge with the right documentation,

the D.A.'d drop
the charges.

Mom, what are
you doing here?

What is the point of living
in Southern California

if it's gonna be
this cold?

50 degrees
in December, Cal.

That ain't cold.

Well, my blood
must have gotten thinner.

Or you got ice
in your veins.

This time next year,

I could be spending
the holidays behind bars.

Now, that gives me
a chill.



I don't know how you feel
about it.

Warm and fuzzy.

How do you think
it makes me feel, Sandy?

What the hell else can I do?

You can come forward.

Trial's right around
the corner.

Renee's gonna plead the Fifth,

and when she does,
you're sunk...

unless you tell the truth.

No, I can't.

You know I can't.

What about the child?

Which child?
Lindsay?

How do you know her name?

But yeah.

What happens to her?

Spare me.

You're not trying
to protect Lindsay.

You're trying
to protect yourself,

'cause you know
once you come clean,

you're gonna get
what's coming to you.

Facing Kirsten and Julie
has got to be better

than going to jail.

Kirsten, maybe.

Not Julie.

Well... then this is it.

I'm done.

So are you.

Happy holidays.

SETH:
Mother?

Did you not clean out the
menorah from last year?

The shammes is looking
a little bit waxy.

Seth, sorry.
I'll get right on that.

Uh, Seth, a little
help here, please.

Thanks, Mom, 'cause we can't
afford to cut any corners.

Now, if my sense of a cultural
zeitgeist is accurate...

Be careful.

...and I do believe
it is...

this is the year that Chrismukkah
sweeps the nation, okay, people?

Ryan, it's so nice
to have someone

to help around the house.

You're absolutely right.
It is, which is why this year,

I've created
a Chrismukkah work wheel,

so that everybody understands his
and her duties this holiday season.

VoilГ .

You're kidding me.

Does it look like I'm kidding?

Let me guess what your job is.

Uh, I'm supervising, smart ass.

Well, that's big of you.

Yeah, but I'm also overseeing
licensing

and merchandising, okay?

T-shirts, mugs,
should it come to that,

and I'm penning
a Chrismukkah hymn

set to Death Cab's
"A Lack of Color."

Ah, all the makings
of a classic.

Is Death Cab a band?

Ooh, around we go on the wheel,

and...
( grunts ).

Mother, you're in charge
of interior decor, okay?

Now, that's gonna mean,
uh, trimmings,

ornaments, frosting
of the windows.

Don't really know,
don't really care,

just make it classy.

I'll do my best.

I've invited the Nichols
or the Cooper-Nichols

or whatever
they're called these days.

They're called gentiles and
a whole slew of them at that.

Now, we're gonna have
to really put our heads together

and do some serious
Jewcruitment. Ryan?

Do you think you can
rope in some Hebrews?

Blonde hair, blue eyes?
Yeah, no problem. I'm a natural.

Fair point, my Aryan friend.

Okay, where are we gonna find
some Jews in Orange County?

Father!
I have

just discovered the ideal job
for you this Chrismukkah.

Chrismukkah.

Oh, leave me out of it.

Oy, humbug.
Oy, humbug.

( piano and acoustic guitar
strumming gentle melody )

S02E06
The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't

* California, here we come *

* Right back where
we started from *

* California... *

Your dad
seemed pretty upset.

Ah, you know my dad
and the holidays.

He likes a slow build,

doesn't want to peak
too soon.

It's a long holiday.
You gotta pace yourself.

Hey!

It's a marathon
of presents, not a race.

To get through this holiday season,
you must set a pace.

Those are really good lyrics for the song.
Do you have a pen on you?

You're not really
writing a song, are you?

Hey, for Chrismukkah to sweep the nation,
we're gonna need an anthem.

And I'm thinking of having
Little Jo-Jo record it.

So, in keeping with bringing Chrismukkah
to the masses, you're inviting Alex?

Yeah, I did. She's away with her folks.
Uh-huh.

Probably at some Club
Med tattoo parlor.

I don't know. What about you?
Uh, uh, is Lindsay around?

Uh, yeah. I think she is.

You gonna invite her?

Ah, I can't.

I mean, it's kind
of a big step.

And with Marissa there, it'd just...
it'd be too weird for her, for Lindsay.

That's the thing-- Marissa's
not gonna be there.

I had my mom draw up a seating chart,
and she said she's gonna be with her dad.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, we just got things
to a good place, you know?

I got a little mystery back.
Hmm. All right.

Inviting her over for the holiday,
it feels like I might be rushing things.

Then don't do it, man.
Do not do it.

The last thing you want
to do is rush things.

What are you doing?
We're gonna be late.

( moaning )

Are you sure
we're not rushing things?

Well, you know...
we were married for 17 years, so...

Oh, it's just we've...

It's been so long
since we've done this.

Well, it's like...
it's like riding a bike.

Well, an incredibly-toned
and, you know,

evenly-tanned
and limber bike.

You know, with
a really sharp mind

and an incredible sense

of, of, uh...
interior design.

( moaning )

Oh, slow down. I'm sorry.

Uh... i-it's, just,
does this count,

um, as, as adultery?

Well, you know...

cheating on your husband
with your ex-husband?

Technically, I-I think,
uh, it does, yeah.

Oh...

Wait, I'm sorry.
It's just... okay...

What?

Caleb and I aren't
getting along.

I mean, he hasn't
touched me in months.

It's... he's probably
going to jail.

Well, it's wonderful
how maturely you're handling it all.

I don't hear you
complaining.

Well, do you
want to stop?

No.

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

I don't have much
of a lunch break, so...

Why did you want
to meet here?

I've run out of
places to go.

I-I've had so many
clandestine meetings lately, I've...

I feel like I'm in
an Oliver Stone movie.

I-I know you feel that
if you come forward

you're going to lose
your daughter.

You may lose her
either way.

The DA's convinced
that Caleb was bribing somebody

in the City
Councilman's office,

bribing you.

And unless somebody
testifies differently,

they have enough evidence
to send you to jail.

How do I tell my daughter
that I've been lying to her

her whole life?

Inventing a father
she never had,

keeping her from meeting
her family?

Maybe it's time she met 'em.

Maybe it's time
to stop lying.

Caleb won't come forward.

I can't.

You're our last hope.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Hey.
So, you're gonna study

through all the Christmas break?

I hope so.

Keep me distracted from
having to remember it's actually Christmas.

Not a fan of the holidays.

Who is?

Uh, well, Seth, actually.

He's even invented his own
super-holiday, Chrismukkah.

Chrismukkah?

Yeah.
( chuckles )

Well, um, that's cute.

I guess. It's, uh,
it's eight days of gifts,

followed by one day
of many, many gifts.

We eat Chinese food
and watch Christmas movies.

Although last year we watched
Over the Top.

Mm. Well, a classic,

any time of year.
That's what I'm saying.

( chuckles )

Me and my mom, we, um...

stopped even
buying a tree.

It always just
looked so sad

with just two
gifts under it.

When I was little...

( chuckles )

uh, all my friends
were waiting

for something from Santa,

and... I was just... hoping

for something...

anything from my dad.

Still waiting?

Not anymore.

Every kid grows up,
stops believing in Santa.

I stopped believing in my dad.

And there's no pine
needles to clean up.

So...

Disappointed by your family
over the holidays.

I've been there.

So, do what I did:

find another family
to spend 'em with.

Um...

come over.

Come over for Chrismukkah?

It'd be better
if you were Jewish.

There's a ratio issue.

( chuckles )
But it'll be fun,

and Seth will keep you
very distracted.

Do you think we can
watch Over the Top?

I think I could watch
that movie 100 times

and never get sick of it.

( chuckles )

Where's Zack?

I'm not used to seeing
you without him.

He left early for Christmas
in Cabo with his fam.

He's been gone one day,
and I miss him already.

DJ's in Sacramento
with his family for two weeks.

I miss him, too.

Well, this should be
a fun break.

Me, you, Caleb
and my step-monster.

Should be one
for the ages.

We could start spiking
the eggnog.

Coop!

Kidding.

Kind of.

Actually, not really.

This sucks.

Last year the holidays
were so much fun.

Yeah. I got rejected by Cohen
in a Wonder Woman costume,

and you got caught shoplifting.

Yeah. It was memorable, though.

I guess it was.

Hey, can I get
a large coffee, please?

Thanks.

Hey, guys.
Merry Chrismukkah.

Don't remind us.

I forgot about your
festive little holiday.

Okay. My color-coded
holiday alert system

is attacking you two.

You're Taupe.

Come on-- that's
a very dangerously

low level of holiday cheer.

Well, I don't know what
you're talking about, Cohen.

I, for one, am looking
forward to dinner with my stepmom

face down in
her Christmas ham.

And I can't wait to be
on my dad's boat

and hear him talk about
how much he misses Hailey.

Wait a second, guys.

Summer, Marissa,

on behalf of Jesus
and Judah Maccabee,

and the Cohens, I would like
to cordially invite you both

and your dad, Marissa--

but not yours, Summer, because
he both scares and hates me--

to come celebrate
a little holiday

I like to call Chrismukkah.

It's also sort of my way
for apologizing

for the whole snow-sea debacle.

Sure, why not?
Okay, I'm in.

Whatever.

Hey, somebody just went
from taupe to putty.

Kirsten, are you ready
for the investors' meeting?

I was, and I
attended the meeting...

two hours ago.

What? Two hours...

( sighs ):
Oh!

My new assistant is constantly
putting the wrong numbers

into my, my,
my Blackberry.

Mm. We tried to reach you
all morning.

Well, my battery
must have died.

( cell phone rings tune )

Or not.

( cell phone tune plays )

That's so funny that
that's Jimmy's favorite song.

Is it?

Huh, I forgot.

That's why you got
that ring tone.

I got "Hungry Like The Wolf."

He got "The Hustle."

I was there when you
picked them out.

Oh, it is Jimmy.

Oh, nothing
gets by you, Kirsten.

You've got a memory
like an elephant.

You gonna answer it?

Oh, no. It's just Jimmy.

I thought you two
were getting along

really well.
What makes you say that?

Last week, when you said
that you and Jimmy

were getting along really well.

Julie, you okay?
You seem a little frazzled.

Oh, well, you know,
I didn't get a chance

to blow my hair out
this morning, so, you know, I...

I said "frazzled," not "frizzy."

SETH:
Hey, man.

Is dinner ready yet?

No. Your dad's
at the grill.

( sighs heavily ):
Oh. I'm famished.

All this planning
for the big day.

Really taking it
out of ya, huh?

Hey. Ye of little faith,
trust those of mixed faith.

Okay, this year,
it's gonna be off the charts.

It's gonna be cochise.

What's cochise?

It's the highest level
of holiday cheer

on my color-coded holiday
alert system, that's all.

Cochise is a color?

Yeah, it's in
the beige family.

Couldn't go with, like,
blue, could you?

Listen to me.
It's gonna be awesome, okay?

I think especially now
that Marissa and Summer

are coming...
Whoa, Marissa's coming over?

I thought she was with her dad.

Yeah, she was, but she's
all bummed out about it,

and I figured since, you know,
you're not inviting Lindsay...

Except I did invite Lindsay.

That's awkward.

Seth... ( sighs )
what am I gonna do?

I can't have Lindsay and Marissa
hanging out together.

It's too weird.
I agree.

Not helping.
Oh, God.

What if it's starting?
What if what's starting?

The Christmukkah backlash.

What if it's getting
too big and commercial?

I have a feeling
I'm done studying.

Dude, I knew this would happen.

It's like it starts out

as this really cool
cult holiday.

You know, flying beneath
the cultural radar,

and then all of a sudden
it crosses over,

and then there's
too much pressure.

I mean, truthfully,

can it really be
the next Thanksgiving?

Can it top Halloween?
This feels off topic.

The government, they're
gonna be asking me to create new holidays.

"Seth, what about Eastover
or, or Kwanzaashanah."

All right, we can't let it happen.
Hey, guys.

Can't talk now, Dad.

We have an emergency
on our hands.

What's going on?

Ryan invited Lindsay
over tomorrow,

setting off a wildfire that threatens man,
woman, and Christmukkah.

You invited Lindsay over here?

Uh, yeah,
is that okay?

Oh, sure.
You ask him.

I don't think
it's such a good idea.

It isn't?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to impose.

Well, no,
it's not that.

You know we have a pretty
liberal open-door policy.

It's, it's, uh...

How serious is it
between you guys?

Uh, I don't know.

You know,
there's still mystery.

( clears throat )

Well, maybe not mystery,
but suspense.

So you really like her?

He wants to see her naked.

Okay, I hate it
when you do this...

Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm starting to.

I mean, should I not?

Her mom's involved
with Caleb's case.

It's, uh... the timing

is probably not great,
given everything.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay?

Except, I mean,
what does Lindsay

have to do with
Caleb's case?

And what is she, like,

Caleb's hitman?
Drug dealer?

Illegitimate love child?

( utensil rattles )

This stays between us.

At least until we make it
through these holidays.

Come on.
Dinner's served.

Hey. Going somewhere?

Lindsay's.

Gotta un-invite her,
like your dad said.

You are?

Well, she can't be here
if Caleb's gonna be here.

No, hey, man.

We thought her and Marissa
together would be awkward.

And, uh, I need you
to do something for me.

Yeah, sure.

Dude, name it.
Anything.

I need you
to un-invite Summer.

I can't do that.

It's rude.

Well, I gotta tell Lindsay

we're not doing
Christmukkah this year.

If she then finds out that
Marissa and Summer came over...

I see your point. Yeah.

Well, while you're out...

I mean, you're already gonna
have your speech down, anyway.

Maybe you could go ahead
and stop by Summer's for me.

Dude, please.

She's not gonna take it well, man.
Neither is Lindsay.

( sighs )

Hi.
Hi.

Oh.

Happy Christmukkah.

Yeah. Can we talk?

Oh, yeah. But first,
I have to show you

what I made for tonight.

Oh, all right.

Hey, Merry Christmukkah, Cohen.
Oh.

Yes, it is.

I think tonight is
gonna be so much fun.

Yeah, it'll be great.
Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. But first,
can you help me

pick out
a Christmas tree?

I'm feeling
all festive today.

Festive, huh?

LINDSAY:
Okay, okay, I know everything

I said about not being into
the holidays, which is true.

But then I start thinking
about Christmukkah,

and hanging out with
you and the Cohens...

Right, and about that...

And I got inspired.

And I stayed up all night.

And you're gonna think
I'm a really big dork, but...

Okay...
( sighs )

Here.

It's a yarmul-Claus!

A yarmul-Claus.

Wow.

That's, wow.

Yeah! Yeah, and I made
a whole bunch,

and it was fun,
and I never have fun this time of year.

And I don't know if it
was the new holiday

or the idea of spending time
with a family

who actually enjoys
the holiday, but...

Oh, God.

Wow, um,
listen to me again.

What did you want
to talk about?

Could you bring
eggnog tonight?

Yeah. I'd love to.

Mm.

Fresh minty aroma,
symmetrical conical shape...

Great. Let's go.

A bit too bushy.
Moving on.

Hmm...

Huh.

Good needle
retention,

nice scent.

Mm... feels a bit dry.

I don't think it's gonna
last much longer.

Summer, neither am I, okay.

All these trees look the same.

Look, Cohen, when it comes to

Haggadahs, dreidels
and guilt, you the man.

When it comes
to Christmas trees,

mm, a bit out
of your wheel house.

I'm just saying
we've been here for hours.

You are right.

If I don't pull
the trigger soon,

we are gonna be late
to your house.

Hey, about that, um...

You know, Cohen, I just
think it's really cool

that you invited me tonight.

You know, after everything
we've been through,

you were able to put aside
our differences.

I just think
you're really changing

and that maybe
we're actually friends.

Great.

( clears throat )

Mistletoe.

( chuckles )

There something you wanted
to talk to me about?

How do you feel
about making latkes?

I'd love to.

And could you just carry
this tree to my car?

Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

Hello, friend.

How'd it go with Summer?

How did it go with Lindsay?

She take it better
than expected?

Uh, well... ( sighs )

I couldn't do it.

What? You wussed out?

It's just she's always
miserable during the holidays.

Dude.

She made a yarmul-Claus.

A yarmu-what?

Holy Moses,
it's beautiful.

At least Marissa and Summer
aren't coming.

Yeah. About that, um...

Hey, guys.

Yarmul-Claus.

Yarmu-what?

It's so cute.

Well, if it isn't the Grinch
and Lady Grinch.

I brought fruitcake.

You shouldn't have.

May I take your... coats?

We talk?

That's up to you.

Mmm.

Julie, sorry.
I couldn't resist.

This orange chicken is...

God, I have missed you
all day.

Still chewing.

I know.
I feel the same way.

Oh, what are we doing?

I can't stop
thinking about you.

I know, I know, I know.
You know what?

Meet me in the bathroom
in, like, 90 seconds...

Julie, is there any room
in the refrig...

Keep your fingers out of
the food till we eat, Jimmy.

God. No manners.

Sorry,
I couldn't resist.

I'm... gonna go wash up.

Yeah.

Thanks for the ride, Mom.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

I mean, we hate
the holidays.

That's our pact.

Maybe it's time
to get over that...

get over Dad.

It's Christmukkah.

Ah, so you keep on saying.

We can go see a movie,
double feature.

Have fun.

Oh, hello.
Hi.

You're Seth and Ryan's
friend, right?

Uh, yeah.

Me and Ryan are more
like lab partners, really.

Well, come on in.

Summer, come on.
I'm trying.

That killer clown
is not gonna kill himself.

Faster. You've got to get
more aggressive, Summer.

Ki-kick him. Kick.

Yeah.

You know, you can sit a
little bit closer. I don't bite.

Happy Chrismukkah.

ALL:
Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey.

PlayStation?

Uh...
( chuckles )

I love the holidays.

Just...

bringing
everyone together.

So I've been
thinking about everything,

about the whole family,
about the holidays.

Where are we going
with this, Cal?

I need to tell the truth.

I need to tell Kirsten.

Well, you've got a hell
of a sense of timing.

Oh, there's no good time.

That's true.

So what are you gonna say?

Well, I was hoping that you
could help me with that part.

Oh, hi, Renee.

A-Are you looking for Lindsay?

Actually, I was wondering...

Can-can I talk to you?

Can I get you a drink?

A glass of wine, maybe?

No, thank you,

and I know this
is a terrible time

for me to be showing up.

Oh, not at all.

Is everything okay?

I'm gonna have a glass of wine.

You have
a beautiful house.

Thank you.

A-And what I want to say to you,

i-it should be Caleb
who's saying it.

Well, he's here.

He is?

Would you like me to go get him?

No. Uh...

I should be...

Uh, this-this...

This isn't
the right time.

Renee.

Caleb.

What are you doing here?

She's doing what
you're about to do.

I call dibs on dumplings.

You now call dibs
on everything.

When do we watch
Over the Top?

Maybe you should
speak first.

LINDSAY:
Mom.

Lindsay.

Lindsay.

Um, have we met?

Lindsay, sweetie,
could you just, uh...

just give
us a moment?

Why? What's going on?

That's what I'd like to know.

Uh, I-I'm gonna go.
This isn't right.

No one's
going anywhere

until someone tells me

what the hell is going on.

Hey, what's going on?

Good thing
the kitchen is roomy.

Cal, why don't you
take it from here?

I can't believe you
just showed up like this.

Did you really think we could
get away with it forever?

Get away with what?

Dad, start speaking.

Well, does everyone
have to be here for this?

Be here for what, Cal?

( sighs )

I'm sorry it
had to happen

like this, Lindsay.

Kirsten...

I had hoped
that I could protect you both

from this forever, but...

well, circumstances
being what they are,

where your mother and I

face going to prison,

well, there really
is no choice.

16 years ago, I made...

I made an error in judgment,

one that almost
ruined my marriage.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

No way.

RENEE:
I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I should have told you.

You're my father?

Lindsay, wait.

I don't know what to say.

Get out of my house.

Do you think I should go
and talk to her?

I think you should
be ashamed of yourself.

I'll handle your mom.

Hi.

I should talk to Lindsay.

I'm gonna go check
on my mom, you guys.

Uh...
Just hang out.

Suddenly, my family--
not so dysfunctional.

You do know this
is my family, too.

Right. Sorry.

I forget sometimes.

It's... it's confusing.

You knew about this,
and you never told me?

Oh, I couldn't.
You know that.

Oh, attorney-client
privilege, Sandy.

He cheated on my mom.

I had a sister
I've never known.

Oh, I know, and
we'll figure it out.

What is there to figure out?

Kirsten, please, listen...

Oh, no. I never want
to see you again,

you son of a bitch!

How could you
do that to me?! To Mom?!

Kirsten, please. I can explain.

Just get out!

Kiki, honey, please.

CALEB:
Kirsten!

Now is not the
time, Cal. Please.

Let me try to talk to her.
Grandpa,

I think maybe you should leave.

I'll be better off
going to prison.

Is she here?

This isn't a good time, Ryan.

I know. I just...

I want to talk to her
and make sure she's okay.

She's not.

Well, can I even talk
to her for a second?

It's okay, Mom.

I can speak
for myself.

Hi.

( sighs )

So sorry.

I know you want
to be alone

right now, but, um,

I want you to know I'm here.

Okay?

( sniffles )

I think it's best...

if we don't see
each other anymore.

I just...

I don't want to be

anywhere
near your family...

Ever.

Um, but... thanks

for coming by.

Happy holidays, huh?

( door closes )

This year is getting even
weirder than last year.

I know.

My ex-boyfriend
is dating my...

stepsister?

I think.

We have new boyfriends.

And our ex-boyfriends
have new girlfriends.

Is that what
they are--

um, their,
uh, girlfriends?

I think.

And now my stepdad
could be going to jail.

Is there something
in the water?

How'd it go?

Hey. Is there, um,
anything we can do?

( sighs )

I think we have
to cancel Chrismukkah.

Hey.
Hey.

How's Lindsay?

Uh, not so good.

How'd everything
go with your mom?

Uh, we're at "Charcoal"

on my color-coded
holiday alert system.

Your poor mom.

Your poor mom.

Yeah, of all the people
to feel sorry for here,

she's not really
high on my list.

So then Chrismukkah?

Canceled. The way nature,
and apparently we, intended it.

That is so sad.

Chrismukkah is supposed
to bring people together.

It's the time of year that you
look forward to most, Cohen.

Yeah, well, you know,
my mom throwing vases

at my grandfather's head
kind of trumps it,

even if it has
twice the resistance

of your average holiday.

RYAN:
You want a ride home, man?

Yeah, actually, I do--

unless someone needs help
with a gi-normous tree

strapped to her car.

So that's it?

You guys are just
gonna give up?

Give up on Chrismukkah

when everyone
we know needs it the most?

Okay, thank you, Tiny Tim.

Ow!

Okay, well, what do you
want to do, Summ?

'Cause we can't
go back to the Cohens'.

And Lindsay'll never
talk to me again.

And I can no longer walk.

Well, you guys can all give up,

but I still believe
in a Chrismukkah miracle.

And I have a plan.

I've been looking for you
all over the house.

I wanted to see if
Marissa was back yet.

She's not.

You can bet
she will make this about her

and that we will suffer
the consequences

for a very long time.

I know.

It's tough on everyone,

which is why I tried
to keep it a secret.

You and your secrets, Cal.

You need a walk-in closet
for all of your skeletons.

I promise you...
this is the end.

Yeah?

You don't have an evil twin?

You're not really an alien?

And now that the truth
is out there...

the case will go away.

I'll be free.

I just can't believe
you cheated on your wife.

It was hell, and it never
happened again, never will.

I have everything I need
from this marriage.

I hope you feel the same.

Don't put this
back on me, Cal.

I wasn't.

I was merely saying...

( sighs )

Uh...

I don't know
what I'm saying anymore.

I'm tired of lying.

I want this whole thing
to be over,

and I... I need you
to forgive me.

I'm going to go try
and find Marissa.

Does that mean you forgive me?

I don't know.

Hi.

Hey.

You went and saw Lindsay?

Tried.

Oh, poor girl.

How goes it here?

Fantastic. Kirsten's locked
herself in her closet.

And other than requesting
a PowerBar be slid

under the door,
she isn't speaking to me.

But on the plus side, there's
plenty of mu shu available.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I just, I want you to know
I'm sorry I didn't un-invite...

Oh, kid, this is so far
from being your fault.

Well, you don't
think it's yours.

No, but no good deed
goes unpunished,

which explains why my wife is
holed up next to a shoe rack.

( sighs )

Hey, you mind if
Italk to her?

It's your life.

KIRSTEN:
Go away.

It's Ryan.

I don't really feel
like talking to anyone right now.

Uh...

I know, I...

was hoping we could
talk about Lindsay.

Is she okay?

No.

Well, not right now,
but I guess it depends.

Depends on what?

On whether or not she
figures out she's...

part of a family
that's pretty good

at letting in new members.

Good line.

Thanks.

Just don't tell Sandy that
I came out for you, okay?

Yeah, 'cause he wouldn't want
to hear that.

( sighs )

You want to meet your sister?

( sighs )

I don't know if I'm ready to
start referring to her as that.

( sobbing ):
But Lindsay seems like

a really great girl.

She is.

Whoa. Coop, I cannot believe
your dad lives on a boat.

That is so Miami Vice.

You've seen Miami Vice?

Repeats. My stepmom,
she finds the pastel colors soothing.

Hmm. She's on some
interesting drugs these days.

Hmm. Which I will be
keeping away from you.

Hmm.

Dad!

Dad?

Hi, girls.

Hey.
Hey.

How are you?!
We're okay.

We're just kind
of in a rush,

and we were wondering:

do you have a generator
and an extension cord?

Okay, I don't really like
the sound of that.

Oh, it's really
important, Mr. Cooper.

A Chrismukkah miracle
hangs in the balance.

Mm-hmm. We'll explain later.

Well, luckily,

living on a boat requires one
to have such stuff.

It's right around
the corner.

Oh, got it.

Now... have you,
have you spoken to your mom?

She's worried sick
about you.

Oh, really?
That's too bad.

You've been talking to her
a lot lately.

You're not, like,
becoming friends, or anything.

Why? Would that, uh,
would that be so terrible?

Yeah, for you.

SUMMER:
All right.

Got it, Coop. Let's go.

Love you, Dad.

Thanks, Mr. Coop.

Here, can you
take something?

This is going to be
excellent, Summer.

I'm so excited.
Take it. Take it.

Oh, take something?
Yeah.

( sighs )

They're gone.

( sighs ):
I don't suppose you heard

any of that, did you?

Please.

It's almost a compliment
from her.

What are we doing, Julie?

Are we...

are we making
a huge mistake?

Yeah.

But I want to be with you.

( waves crashing )

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Uh, your mom said I
could maybe find you here.

She also said you're
not in the mood to see any friends.

I'm not.

Okay. I get that.

But here's the
thing, Lindsay.

You and I, we're kin.

No. No, we're not.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

Congratulations,
you're a Cohen.

( sighs )

Welcome to a life of insecurity
and paralyzing self doubt.

It's a little soon to joke.

Not for us Cohens.

It's what we do:
laugh through our tears,

make jokes inappropriately
soon after a traumatic event.

Sometimes we'll just make the
joke during the traumatic event.

Yeah, "traumatic," Seth,

doesn't even begin
to describe this.

Look... I get that
what happened seems really overwhelming.

Oh, do you?

Yeah, I do.

But I think you and I have
a lot to be grateful for.

Most of all that we
didn't start dating.

Oh, yeah, 'cause that
would have been gross

on... several levels.

Hey. There you go.

That's what I'm
talking about.

You are a Cohen, okay?
And I like that.

You know what that
means, by the way?

It means you get
one of these.

Enjoy.

Um...

it says "Laura."

It's the only one
they had at the store.

We'll fix it later.

( giggles )

So, when did you come up with
this holiday, exactly?

Oh, no, I didn't,
actually.

Jesus and Moses, they put
it together over lunch

a few years back now,
I think it was.

What does Moses have to do
with Hanukkah?

Wait, no, I think,
actually, you're missing the point

of the holiday
completely.

Which is...?

Hi.

I'm Kirsten.

Hi.

( sobs )

Welcome.

( voice breaking ):
This is really weird.

Oh, it's our family.

( chuckles )

Thank you for doing this.

Oh, thanks
for coming forward.

You did the right thing.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

And maybe someday
Lindsay will forgive me.

( sighs ):
So, Summer Roberts, you saved Chrismukkah.

Kind of did, didn't I?

I hope I can repay you.

Well, you can start by carrying
my tree to my car later.

Hmm?
( door opens )

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Eggnog, latkes.

SETH: None for Summer--
gives her gas.

I figured you hadn't had
a Christmas tree for a while.

I don't even know what to say.

You don't have to say anything
right now.

Hey. I've got latkes.

Oh, uh... that sounds
kind of disgusting.

Yeah, I know.

Can we order pizza?

All right. Who's ready
to hear the Chrismukkah hymn?

It's penned to Death Cab's
"A Lack of Color."

MARISSA:
What is that?

What? No one knows
what that song is, Cohen.

Seth carrying a tune?
Now, that would be

a Chrismukkah miracle.
Merry Chrismukkah.

I'll tell you what else
you can carry--

that negativity
out on the street.

Miracles?
Chrismukkah fact...

All right, first...
Have an eggnog.

Who ma...?
These are so shoddy.

We'll have to work
on the...

Hey, hey,
hey, hey!

Come on, come on.
Sing, sing, sing, sing.

All right.
All right.

( snaps fingers )

* Moses and Jesus... *

Yeah!

* They both
have beards... *

Yeah!
Oh, my God.

by paulonline