The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 9 - Rage Against the Christine - full transcript
When Christine beats Patrick at tennis and lays it on pretty thick afterward, she becomes worried about his reaction to losing. Her plan to re-create his reaction during a night of games with the gang doesn't quite have the expected results. Meanwhile Matthew begins to see an eerie resemblance to his sister in the woman he is dating.
Oh,you know,I really should warn you.
I haven't played tennis
in,like,three years.
I'm going to be awful.
Oh,it's okay.
You look cute in your outfit, and
isn't that all that really matters?
Oh,wow,even our politics are the same.
Oh,I'm so pleased with myself right now.
Kissing the perfect man at his fancy
tennis club, my cute little outfit...
It's like we're fabulous people in
some beautiful cigarette commercial.
Okay,knock it off!
Is it really necessary to flaunt
yourselves in public like that?
Yeah,standing there all
dry in your tennis skirt,
sunlight streaming between your thighs.
I haven't had anything between
my thighs since this happened.
Christine, aren't you going to
introduce us to your,uh, paid escort?
Oh,uh,Patrick, this
is Marly and Lindsay.
They're parents from Ritchie's school.
And for your information,
Patrick is my boyfriend--
ooh,we haven't actually
said that yet,have we?
We haven't said it officially, but the
feeling of utter completeness I have with you,
and the nearly constant sex implied it.
Oh,shoot-- I think
I just peed a little.
This really is the perfect day.
Out!
Hey,did I just win?
Oh,my God!
I did! I won!
I seriously haven't played in,
like,years and I smoked your white ass!
Face!
That's right. Take that,man!
You just lost to a girl Lost to a girl
Let me hear you say it
Let me hear you say it
You just lost to a girl,unh!
Patrick?
I can't believe you lost.
Patrick,you are such a stupid idiot!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Idiot!
Why do you suck so bad, Patrick?
Patrick,come on!
Hey,uh,you want to go make out in
front of Marly and Lindsay again?
We were so happy then.
Are,are you... are you crying?
You suck! You suck-hole!
Suck knocked on my
door and I answered it!
I'm never gonna play
this stupid game again!
Oh,I hate it! I hate it! I...
hate it!
We heard yelling.
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The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode09
I had the best time last night.
But I have to go.
You have to leave right now?
I guess I could stay for a little while.
No,I can't. I have a job.
Hey,should you come with me to work?
Oh,I'd love to.
Oh,wait,Ihave a job.
Hey,maybe you should
come with me to my work?
Okay. Wait,I have a job.
Oh,new love is so great.
Remember when we used to just sit
and stare into each other's eyes?
Yeah,but then you slept with me and
I didn't have to do that anymore.
But I miss it.
Me,too.
I guess we have to say good-bye.
Oh,look at that.
Does it make you want to do it?
Yes,but not with you.
You guys...
I think I have to break up with Patrick.
You want Richard back?
Oh,no,thanks. So,we...
Excuse me,why is this happening today?
Quiet,okay?
So I was playing tennis and I won.
And then,he had a complete
and utter meltdown.
I
- I've never seen anything like it.
- You won?
- Yes.
- Did you do your victory dance?
- Yes.
- Did you use the terms "smoked your white ass" or "face"?
- Yes.
- And you wonder why he got mad?
- Yes.
Christine,you're a terrible winner.
So the guy gets a little mad
when he loses a tennis game.
He puts up with your faults.
Everyone has to overlook
something about the other person.
I mean,except for me,
because Lucy's perfect.
Except for the obvious thing,of course.
She's just the spitting
image of your sister.
She just doesn't spit as much.
What? She doesn't even
remotely resemble Christine.
And I'm in love with her, so
if she looks like Christine...
I'll take that as a compliment.
Listen,can we please
just focus on my problem?
I think Patrick has a real rage issue.
You enrage people,Christine.
How do I enrage people?
Well,for one thing,
you don't fight fair.
How do I not fight fair, turkey neck?
That's not the worst of it.
The worst is when she takes a stand for
something she knows nothing about,like bio-fuel.
It's no good,Matthew.
It's bad for the biosphere.
Well,at least she doesn't roll
her eyes at everything you say.
Oh,puh-lease.
God,I just want to kill her!
Here's the thing.
I like everything else about Patrick.
You know,up until today, I think
he was the perfect boyfriend.
So just stay off the
tennis court,you'll be fine.
Yeah,I probably shouldn't
get that much sun anyway now
that the bio-fuels have poked
so many holes in the biosphere.
I don't think that's right.
Oh,you don't?
Hey,leave her alone.
What's it to you,lady butt?
Hi,honey. I came to kiss
you before I go to class.
Let me just look at you first.
Uh,hair-- dark,
kind of curly.
Eyes-- brown,
like your hair.
How tall would you say that you are?
Not very,I'd say.
Matthew,what's the matter with you?
Oh,nothing. Richard just
kind of creeped me out. He...
he said that you look
a lot like my sister.
And that's weird, because if you do,
I'm worried what deep and disturbing
psychological implications that would have for me.
Don't be silly.
There's nothing psychological
about what we have together...
except that you were my psychologist.
And you look exactly like my dad.
Oh,God.
You don't. My dad looks like
Barney Frank. He doesn't.
Stop worrying,Matthew.
People always tell me I
look like other people.
Oh,I once got a free taco, because
someone thought I was Julia Roberts.
Which kind of made me mad, 'cause if anyone
can afford a taco, it's Julia Roberts.
But I took it, 'cause
I'm on student loans.
And I'm not Julia
Roberts. Ilovefish tacos.
What?
Matthew,does your sister
look like Julia Roberts?
Not at all.
Has she ever gotten a free taco?
Not that I know of.
Then how could I look like your sister?
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
Oh,good. Everybody's here.
Okay,tonight we're
going to have game night.
Game night sounds like fun.
I mean,boo.
Game nightisfun,okay?
And it's necessary.
So I invited Patrick over,
because I wanted to see if the behavior
that I saw on the tennis court was,like,
a one-time thing or a serious
character defect, 'cause I have a kid.
You know,I can't have a
boyfriend with rage issues.
Not with my rage issues.
It's so weird. Patrick seemed
like the sweetest guy in the world.
Yeah,but you didn't see the
monster I saw on the tennis court.
Oh,it probably wasn't a real monster.
Once I thought I saw a monster in my
backyard, but it turned out to be a dog.
Um,okay, so anyway,uh, we just have to
make sure that Patrick loses the game.
Okay,but if you bust out that
Ouija board, I'm out of here.
Remember the last time when
my dead aunt visited us?
Don't open the door, it's Aunt Susan!
- Everyone's here.
- Yeah.
What's the occasion?
Oh,game night.
Yeah,no pressure.
Just a friendly
competition between adults.
Some will win, some will
lose, everybody plays.
And some will lose.
So,the teams are going to be me and Patrick and
Matthew against Barb and Richard and New Christine.
As soon as you've written ten names of celebrities
on these slips of paper, we can get started.
Wait,Matthew,I need to see you,please.
What's going on?
I need your help.
Do you want me to hold up the other
side of your mouth when you talk?
No. Now,listen, you've got to
make sure that our team loses,
so Patrick freaks out and
you'll see that I'm not crazy.
Well,that's not going
to convince anyone,and...
why are you talking
like a cartoon gangster?
I'm trying not to be too obvious.
Too obvious about what?
Um,about how much butt we are
going to kick at "Celebrity."
Okay,let's get go. Let's
get started. You know what?
Our team is gonna go first
and I'm gonna give the clues.
Okay,is everybody ready?
I'm ready.
All right,let's focus.
And... go.
Come on,the clock's ticking.
Okay,I got it. I got it.
Okay,well, that's interesting.
I do not know who this is.
Spiro Agnew.
What? Why would you guess Spiro Agnew?
Well,because you don't know who that is.
I don't know who a lot of
people are. It could be anyone.
Spiro Agnew is so random.
Then sound it out.
No. It's Spiro Agnew.
Okay,uh...
Mel Gibson.
What? Matthew,let me finish the clue.
Well,you're making your
Mel Gibson expression.
There is no such thing.
That's the face you make when
people talk about Mel Gibson.
- Come on,let's go!
- Time!
Who was it?
It was Mel Gibson.
That's two. Is that good?
No. We're probably
going to lose this one.
Okay,it's your turn. Okay?
You guys are up. Everybody focus.
All right,let me do this.
Ready? Go.
Aw,this is easy.
"Heeeere's..."
"Heeeere's..."
Here's what?
Here's the clue.
Okay,go ahead.
- "Heeeere's..."
- To you.
Mrs. Robinson! Simon and Garfunkel.
Dustin Hoffman, The Graduate.
Tootsie,Bill Murray, Groundhog Day.
"Heeeere's..."
Andie MacDowell!
Yes,Andie MacDowell!
Time.
Here's Andie MacDowell? What?
Are you freaking kidding me?
What was the answer?
Johnny Carson.
I didn't know Johnny
Carson was inGroundhog Day.
Oh,geez. My God. All right,you
know what? New teams. New teams.
All right,Patrick, you're going to be on
the team with Richard and,uh,Andie MacDowell.
And Matthew,you're going to
read me the clues,all right?
And Barb,you know what?
Just stay out of the way.
This is fun. Thanks
again for inviting me.
Okay,focus.
And go.
- You hate this guy.
- Mailman.
- Other guy.
- Oh,Chevy Chase!
Yes. You want to marry this guy.
- Uh,mailman?
- Other guy.
Oh,Daniel Baldwin! Yes!
Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary.
Days of Wine and Roses. Lee Remick!
- Yes.
- Yes.
Cousin Mark.
- Oh,uh,Matthew Broderick.
- Yes.
- Aunt Shirley.
- Uh,Nathan Lane!
- Yes.
- Time.
Oh,look at this! Ooh,we got five! Face!
You're gonna have to get
six, otherwise you lose.
That's going to be hard.
Okay,I'll give the clues.
- Go.
- Bourne Identity.
- Tom Cruise.
- Yes.
Wait,what? No,no,no--
he wasn't in that.
- He's on the nickel.
- Richard Nixon.
- Yes!
- What?
- Olympic gymnast from the '80s.
- Marilu Henner.
- Yes! - No-no-no,no-- that's
wrong. It's Mary Lou Retton.
Doesn't matter,she got it right.
- Okay,oh,"Only you can prevent forest fires."
- Yogi Bear.
Yes.
Okay. Mm,oh,uh,married
to Michael Douglas.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
- Yes!
What?
- Uh,oh,ah-- "Heeeere's..."
- Andie MacDowell!
- Yes!
- Time.
Look at that, we did six! We won!
No! No,you did not get six!
You didn't get any,okay? That's
not how you play! They're all wrong!
Yeah,you know what? This is
my game,okay? And you lose!
God!
Oh,there's the monster.
So I said to him, "Obviously
I know what bourgeois means,
"that's the name of my
dog: The Bourgeois Pug."
I like the way you say
"bourgeois." Say it again.
Bourgeois.
"Boozh-wah."
I have to use the restroom.
Want me to show you where it is?
Christine! I'll show him where it is.
I know where it is, but thanks.
What are you guys doing?
You're not helping me
do what I'm trying to do.
What are you trying to do?
I'm trying to show you that
my boyfriend is psychotic.
You want him to be psychotic?
No,I love him.
Soyou'repsychotic.
Christine,I think you're wrong
about him. He's a great guy.
So far out of your league.
You know what I mean.
Really out of your league.
Maybe you're making too
much out of what happened.
You think?
- The guy's funny.
- I do love funny.
- And he owns a winery.
- I do love wine.
- He loves you.
- I do love me.
Listen,I have an early day
tomorrow,so I have to get going.
Oh,Patrick,I wish you
didn't have to leave.
They are right. I'm so luckyo have you.
Wow,it almost seems like you guys
were down here talking about me.
No. Did you hear us?
- No.
- Then,no.
Anyway,it was great seeing all of you.
And,uh... I look forward
to seeing more of you.
Oh,great.
My boyfriend.
Uh,Richard, thanks for the
wine; I love a good Pinot.
It was actually a Burgundy,
but glad you liked it.
Oh,it may have come from the Burgundy region
of France, but trust me, it was a Pinot Noir.
Uh,no,it came from the discount region of the
Wine Depot,but trust me, it was a Burgundy.
I know my wine and it was a Pinot.
I know what I got and it was a Burgundy.
Care to make it interesting?
I would love if someone
made thisinteresting.
This is the most boring
argument I've ever heard.
I'll bet you 20 bucks it's a Burgundy.
Oh,I hate to take your money,but okay.
Here you go. Burgundy. I won.
Look at that, you were right.
I guess I lost that one.
- There you go.
- Yep,there you go.
You didn't knotween a nine-dollar
Burgundy and a Pinot Noir.
You own a winery, you
stupid,stupid,idiot.
Why are you so stupid,Patrick?
Oh,I know why. Because you're stupid!
Look what your boyfriend just did.
I told you he was psychotic.
Face.
I still don't understand why I'm here.
I'm meeting Patrick
to break up with him.
Okay,you saw how crazy
he got over that wine.
Imagine what he's going
to do when he loses this.
That guy's scary. And
he's bigger than me.
Well,Barb wasn't available, so
you're just going to have to man up.
Okay,there he is. So,uh,you
sit here right by the door.
And you be ready to jump in.
You know,I'm not much of a fighter.
I'm more of a lover.
Yeah,well,you're not
much of a lover,so...
You don't fight fair!
- Hey,Patrick.
- Hey,sweetie.
Listen,Patrick,I've got
something to say to you.
But before you react, I want you to
consider that you're in a public place,
and I want you to know that
I brought Richard with me.
What's going on,Christine?
Lookit,there's no easy way to say
this, so I'm just going to say it.
Um,I'm just gonna... put this here.
Patrick, I don't think we
should see each other anymore.
Okay,well,I'll miss you.
N
- No,Patrick, I'm,I'm breaking up with you.
Yeah,I got that.
In other words, you're losing me.
Yeah. It was fun,though,huh?
As in,losing.
Lost. Loser.
What's,what's,what's the matter
with you? Why aren't you upset?
Christine, it's a new relationship.
Neither of us really
knew where it was going.
I mean,it's sad, but
what are you going to do?
I don't know, what areyougoing to do?
Aren't you going to throw something
or knock the table over or cry?
Why?
Relationships either work or they don't.
You can't beat yourself up over it.
You beat yourself up over a tennis game.
See you around,Christine.
Hey,you sure you don't mind
me taking your court time?
Eh,go ahead-- I'm never
gonna play tennis again.
What's with the outfit?
I look cute in it.
The mailman hasn't come yet.
I do look good.
That's not you,it's Lucy.
- Cute outfit.
- Cute outfit.
- Nice legs.
- Nice legs.
- Thanks.
- Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!
I can't do this. You look
alike, you talk alike...
- Matthew.
- Matthew.
You're the same person!
Calm down. You could
do a lot worse than me.
I'm going to have a glass of
wine; does anybody want one?
Oh,no thanks. I don't drink.
- What?
- What?
You don't drink?
I don't drink. I think
it's sort of trashy.
And I like to wake up clearheaded.
"Clearheaded"?
I'm lucky if I wake up in my own bed.
Oh,my God,you're nothing like my sister.
You are a wonderful,
beautiful, sober woman.
Quick-- bio-fuels:
good or bad?
Good.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
He'll be back.
They'll all be back.
I lost.
My God! What is Christine upo now?
Yeah,those Campbells have no shame.
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I haven't played tennis
in,like,three years.
I'm going to be awful.
Oh,it's okay.
You look cute in your outfit, and
isn't that all that really matters?
Oh,wow,even our politics are the same.
Oh,I'm so pleased with myself right now.
Kissing the perfect man at his fancy
tennis club, my cute little outfit...
It's like we're fabulous people in
some beautiful cigarette commercial.
Okay,knock it off!
Is it really necessary to flaunt
yourselves in public like that?
Yeah,standing there all
dry in your tennis skirt,
sunlight streaming between your thighs.
I haven't had anything between
my thighs since this happened.
Christine, aren't you going to
introduce us to your,uh, paid escort?
Oh,uh,Patrick, this
is Marly and Lindsay.
They're parents from Ritchie's school.
And for your information,
Patrick is my boyfriend--
ooh,we haven't actually
said that yet,have we?
We haven't said it officially, but the
feeling of utter completeness I have with you,
and the nearly constant sex implied it.
Oh,shoot-- I think
I just peed a little.
This really is the perfect day.
Out!
Hey,did I just win?
Oh,my God!
I did! I won!
I seriously haven't played in,
like,years and I smoked your white ass!
Face!
That's right. Take that,man!
You just lost to a girl Lost to a girl
Let me hear you say it
Let me hear you say it
You just lost to a girl,unh!
Patrick?
I can't believe you lost.
Patrick,you are such a stupid idiot!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Idiot!
Why do you suck so bad, Patrick?
Patrick,come on!
Hey,uh,you want to go make out in
front of Marly and Lindsay again?
We were so happy then.
Are,are you... are you crying?
You suck! You suck-hole!
Suck knocked on my
door and I answered it!
I'm never gonna play
this stupid game again!
Oh,I hate it! I hate it! I...
hate it!
We heard yelling.
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The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode09
I had the best time last night.
But I have to go.
You have to leave right now?
I guess I could stay for a little while.
No,I can't. I have a job.
Hey,should you come with me to work?
Oh,I'd love to.
Oh,wait,Ihave a job.
Hey,maybe you should
come with me to my work?
Okay. Wait,I have a job.
Oh,new love is so great.
Remember when we used to just sit
and stare into each other's eyes?
Yeah,but then you slept with me and
I didn't have to do that anymore.
But I miss it.
Me,too.
I guess we have to say good-bye.
Oh,look at that.
Does it make you want to do it?
Yes,but not with you.
You guys...
I think I have to break up with Patrick.
You want Richard back?
Oh,no,thanks. So,we...
Excuse me,why is this happening today?
Quiet,okay?
So I was playing tennis and I won.
And then,he had a complete
and utter meltdown.
I
- I've never seen anything like it.
- You won?
- Yes.
- Did you do your victory dance?
- Yes.
- Did you use the terms "smoked your white ass" or "face"?
- Yes.
- And you wonder why he got mad?
- Yes.
Christine,you're a terrible winner.
So the guy gets a little mad
when he loses a tennis game.
He puts up with your faults.
Everyone has to overlook
something about the other person.
I mean,except for me,
because Lucy's perfect.
Except for the obvious thing,of course.
She's just the spitting
image of your sister.
She just doesn't spit as much.
What? She doesn't even
remotely resemble Christine.
And I'm in love with her, so
if she looks like Christine...
I'll take that as a compliment.
Listen,can we please
just focus on my problem?
I think Patrick has a real rage issue.
You enrage people,Christine.
How do I enrage people?
Well,for one thing,
you don't fight fair.
How do I not fight fair, turkey neck?
That's not the worst of it.
The worst is when she takes a stand for
something she knows nothing about,like bio-fuel.
It's no good,Matthew.
It's bad for the biosphere.
Well,at least she doesn't roll
her eyes at everything you say.
Oh,puh-lease.
God,I just want to kill her!
Here's the thing.
I like everything else about Patrick.
You know,up until today, I think
he was the perfect boyfriend.
So just stay off the
tennis court,you'll be fine.
Yeah,I probably shouldn't
get that much sun anyway now
that the bio-fuels have poked
so many holes in the biosphere.
I don't think that's right.
Oh,you don't?
Hey,leave her alone.
What's it to you,lady butt?
Hi,honey. I came to kiss
you before I go to class.
Let me just look at you first.
Uh,hair-- dark,
kind of curly.
Eyes-- brown,
like your hair.
How tall would you say that you are?
Not very,I'd say.
Matthew,what's the matter with you?
Oh,nothing. Richard just
kind of creeped me out. He...
he said that you look
a lot like my sister.
And that's weird, because if you do,
I'm worried what deep and disturbing
psychological implications that would have for me.
Don't be silly.
There's nothing psychological
about what we have together...
except that you were my psychologist.
And you look exactly like my dad.
Oh,God.
You don't. My dad looks like
Barney Frank. He doesn't.
Stop worrying,Matthew.
People always tell me I
look like other people.
Oh,I once got a free taco, because
someone thought I was Julia Roberts.
Which kind of made me mad, 'cause if anyone
can afford a taco, it's Julia Roberts.
But I took it, 'cause
I'm on student loans.
And I'm not Julia
Roberts. Ilovefish tacos.
What?
Matthew,does your sister
look like Julia Roberts?
Not at all.
Has she ever gotten a free taco?
Not that I know of.
Then how could I look like your sister?
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
Oh,good. Everybody's here.
Okay,tonight we're
going to have game night.
Game night sounds like fun.
I mean,boo.
Game nightisfun,okay?
And it's necessary.
So I invited Patrick over,
because I wanted to see if the behavior
that I saw on the tennis court was,like,
a one-time thing or a serious
character defect, 'cause I have a kid.
You know,I can't have a
boyfriend with rage issues.
Not with my rage issues.
It's so weird. Patrick seemed
like the sweetest guy in the world.
Yeah,but you didn't see the
monster I saw on the tennis court.
Oh,it probably wasn't a real monster.
Once I thought I saw a monster in my
backyard, but it turned out to be a dog.
Um,okay, so anyway,uh, we just have to
make sure that Patrick loses the game.
Okay,but if you bust out that
Ouija board, I'm out of here.
Remember the last time when
my dead aunt visited us?
Don't open the door, it's Aunt Susan!
- Everyone's here.
- Yeah.
What's the occasion?
Oh,game night.
Yeah,no pressure.
Just a friendly
competition between adults.
Some will win, some will
lose, everybody plays.
And some will lose.
So,the teams are going to be me and Patrick and
Matthew against Barb and Richard and New Christine.
As soon as you've written ten names of celebrities
on these slips of paper, we can get started.
Wait,Matthew,I need to see you,please.
What's going on?
I need your help.
Do you want me to hold up the other
side of your mouth when you talk?
No. Now,listen, you've got to
make sure that our team loses,
so Patrick freaks out and
you'll see that I'm not crazy.
Well,that's not going
to convince anyone,and...
why are you talking
like a cartoon gangster?
I'm trying not to be too obvious.
Too obvious about what?
Um,about how much butt we are
going to kick at "Celebrity."
Okay,let's get go. Let's
get started. You know what?
Our team is gonna go first
and I'm gonna give the clues.
Okay,is everybody ready?
I'm ready.
All right,let's focus.
And... go.
Come on,the clock's ticking.
Okay,I got it. I got it.
Okay,well, that's interesting.
I do not know who this is.
Spiro Agnew.
What? Why would you guess Spiro Agnew?
Well,because you don't know who that is.
I don't know who a lot of
people are. It could be anyone.
Spiro Agnew is so random.
Then sound it out.
No. It's Spiro Agnew.
Okay,uh...
Mel Gibson.
What? Matthew,let me finish the clue.
Well,you're making your
Mel Gibson expression.
There is no such thing.
That's the face you make when
people talk about Mel Gibson.
- Come on,let's go!
- Time!
Who was it?
It was Mel Gibson.
That's two. Is that good?
No. We're probably
going to lose this one.
Okay,it's your turn. Okay?
You guys are up. Everybody focus.
All right,let me do this.
Ready? Go.
Aw,this is easy.
"Heeeere's..."
"Heeeere's..."
Here's what?
Here's the clue.
Okay,go ahead.
- "Heeeere's..."
- To you.
Mrs. Robinson! Simon and Garfunkel.
Dustin Hoffman, The Graduate.
Tootsie,Bill Murray, Groundhog Day.
"Heeeere's..."
Andie MacDowell!
Yes,Andie MacDowell!
Time.
Here's Andie MacDowell? What?
Are you freaking kidding me?
What was the answer?
Johnny Carson.
I didn't know Johnny
Carson was inGroundhog Day.
Oh,geez. My God. All right,you
know what? New teams. New teams.
All right,Patrick, you're going to be on
the team with Richard and,uh,Andie MacDowell.
And Matthew,you're going to
read me the clues,all right?
And Barb,you know what?
Just stay out of the way.
This is fun. Thanks
again for inviting me.
Okay,focus.
And go.
- You hate this guy.
- Mailman.
- Other guy.
- Oh,Chevy Chase!
Yes. You want to marry this guy.
- Uh,mailman?
- Other guy.
Oh,Daniel Baldwin! Yes!
Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary.
Days of Wine and Roses. Lee Remick!
- Yes.
- Yes.
Cousin Mark.
- Oh,uh,Matthew Broderick.
- Yes.
- Aunt Shirley.
- Uh,Nathan Lane!
- Yes.
- Time.
Oh,look at this! Ooh,we got five! Face!
You're gonna have to get
six, otherwise you lose.
That's going to be hard.
Okay,I'll give the clues.
- Go.
- Bourne Identity.
- Tom Cruise.
- Yes.
Wait,what? No,no,no--
he wasn't in that.
- He's on the nickel.
- Richard Nixon.
- Yes!
- What?
- Olympic gymnast from the '80s.
- Marilu Henner.
- Yes! - No-no-no,no-- that's
wrong. It's Mary Lou Retton.
Doesn't matter,she got it right.
- Okay,oh,"Only you can prevent forest fires."
- Yogi Bear.
Yes.
Okay. Mm,oh,uh,married
to Michael Douglas.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
- Yes!
What?
- Uh,oh,ah-- "Heeeere's..."
- Andie MacDowell!
- Yes!
- Time.
Look at that, we did six! We won!
No! No,you did not get six!
You didn't get any,okay? That's
not how you play! They're all wrong!
Yeah,you know what? This is
my game,okay? And you lose!
God!
Oh,there's the monster.
So I said to him, "Obviously
I know what bourgeois means,
"that's the name of my
dog: The Bourgeois Pug."
I like the way you say
"bourgeois." Say it again.
Bourgeois.
"Boozh-wah."
I have to use the restroom.
Want me to show you where it is?
Christine! I'll show him where it is.
I know where it is, but thanks.
What are you guys doing?
You're not helping me
do what I'm trying to do.
What are you trying to do?
I'm trying to show you that
my boyfriend is psychotic.
You want him to be psychotic?
No,I love him.
Soyou'repsychotic.
Christine,I think you're wrong
about him. He's a great guy.
So far out of your league.
You know what I mean.
Really out of your league.
Maybe you're making too
much out of what happened.
You think?
- The guy's funny.
- I do love funny.
- And he owns a winery.
- I do love wine.
- He loves you.
- I do love me.
Listen,I have an early day
tomorrow,so I have to get going.
Oh,Patrick,I wish you
didn't have to leave.
They are right. I'm so luckyo have you.
Wow,it almost seems like you guys
were down here talking about me.
No. Did you hear us?
- No.
- Then,no.
Anyway,it was great seeing all of you.
And,uh... I look forward
to seeing more of you.
Oh,great.
My boyfriend.
Uh,Richard, thanks for the
wine; I love a good Pinot.
It was actually a Burgundy,
but glad you liked it.
Oh,it may have come from the Burgundy region
of France, but trust me, it was a Pinot Noir.
Uh,no,it came from the discount region of the
Wine Depot,but trust me, it was a Burgundy.
I know my wine and it was a Pinot.
I know what I got and it was a Burgundy.
Care to make it interesting?
I would love if someone
made thisinteresting.
This is the most boring
argument I've ever heard.
I'll bet you 20 bucks it's a Burgundy.
Oh,I hate to take your money,but okay.
Here you go. Burgundy. I won.
Look at that, you were right.
I guess I lost that one.
- There you go.
- Yep,there you go.
You didn't knotween a nine-dollar
Burgundy and a Pinot Noir.
You own a winery, you
stupid,stupid,idiot.
Why are you so stupid,Patrick?
Oh,I know why. Because you're stupid!
Look what your boyfriend just did.
I told you he was psychotic.
Face.
I still don't understand why I'm here.
I'm meeting Patrick
to break up with him.
Okay,you saw how crazy
he got over that wine.
Imagine what he's going
to do when he loses this.
That guy's scary. And
he's bigger than me.
Well,Barb wasn't available, so
you're just going to have to man up.
Okay,there he is. So,uh,you
sit here right by the door.
And you be ready to jump in.
You know,I'm not much of a fighter.
I'm more of a lover.
Yeah,well,you're not
much of a lover,so...
You don't fight fair!
- Hey,Patrick.
- Hey,sweetie.
Listen,Patrick,I've got
something to say to you.
But before you react, I want you to
consider that you're in a public place,
and I want you to know that
I brought Richard with me.
What's going on,Christine?
Lookit,there's no easy way to say
this, so I'm just going to say it.
Um,I'm just gonna... put this here.
Patrick, I don't think we
should see each other anymore.
Okay,well,I'll miss you.
N
- No,Patrick, I'm,I'm breaking up with you.
Yeah,I got that.
In other words, you're losing me.
Yeah. It was fun,though,huh?
As in,losing.
Lost. Loser.
What's,what's,what's the matter
with you? Why aren't you upset?
Christine, it's a new relationship.
Neither of us really
knew where it was going.
I mean,it's sad, but
what are you going to do?
I don't know, what areyougoing to do?
Aren't you going to throw something
or knock the table over or cry?
Why?
Relationships either work or they don't.
You can't beat yourself up over it.
You beat yourself up over a tennis game.
See you around,Christine.
Hey,you sure you don't mind
me taking your court time?
Eh,go ahead-- I'm never
gonna play tennis again.
What's with the outfit?
I look cute in it.
The mailman hasn't come yet.
I do look good.
That's not you,it's Lucy.
- Cute outfit.
- Cute outfit.
- Nice legs.
- Nice legs.
- Thanks.
- Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!
I can't do this. You look
alike, you talk alike...
- Matthew.
- Matthew.
You're the same person!
Calm down. You could
do a lot worse than me.
I'm going to have a glass of
wine; does anybody want one?
Oh,no thanks. I don't drink.
- What?
- What?
You don't drink?
I don't drink. I think
it's sort of trashy.
And I like to wake up clearheaded.
"Clearheaded"?
I'm lucky if I wake up in my own bed.
Oh,my God,you're nothing like my sister.
You are a wonderful,
beautiful, sober woman.
Quick-- bio-fuels:
good or bad?
Good.
- I love you.
- I love you,too.
He'll be back.
They'll all be back.
I lost.
My God! What is Christine upo now?
Yeah,those Campbells have no shame.
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