The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 10 - Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner? - full transcript

Flagstaff doesn't look so bad.

They've got a water slide
and a dinosaur footprint.

Hey, Barb, this is not
a pleasure trip, okay?

We have to suffer through
three days with my parents.

You know what, next year,
we're going to the Bahamas.

We're spending Thanksgiving
with your family.

I told you, we don't celebrate
Thanksgiving in the Bahamas.

Oh, right, because this is your summer.

That's right.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.
My mom's gonna love you.

No. No, don't do that.



She's already nervous
Mom's not gonna like her.

I told her she'll be fine.

What? Why are you laughing?
What's gonna happen to me?

Bad things. Bad things
happen in that house.

Okay, no, just stop scaring her.

You're gonna... you'll be fine.

Yeah. Moms like me.

Not when you steal their boyfriends.

I am not her boyfriend. We
have a normal relationship.

She kisses him on the lips.

- You're just jealous.
- You're right.

I am jealous, because while Mom is busy
making love to you, she is making hate to me.

You'll see. She can turn any conversation
into a comment about my failed marriage.

Really, just give me
anything, okay, like a,



I don't know, location or
a word or a type of fabric.

Wool.

Okay, that'sasy. Wool...
wool comes from sheep.

You count sheep to sleep. I
stopped sleeping with Richard.

I killed my marriage.

There you go. Just had a
conversation with my mother.

Except she would do
it in a British accent.

Your mom's British?

Oh, not the classy kind.

Or the polite kind.

Yeah, not like the queen kind.
More like the Simon Cowell kind.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hey, sweetie.

Okay, go upstairs and use the
bathroom before we leave, okay,

'cause it's a long drive, and you're
too old to pee in my travel mug.

Okay.

Why does Richard still get to
come to your parents' Thanksgiving?

Because, for some reason, even though
Richard and I were both married,

I'm the only one who got divorced.

Like, everything is my fault.

That's why I like going there.

I like it because she
calls me the Good Christine.

Okay, I'm ready.

All right, everybody, let's go.

We'll take two
cars-- I'll drive.

Okay, I'll take my car, too.

A seven-hour drive through the
desert... that will do me good.

I feel a good cry coming on.

- I'll go with you.
- I'll go with you.

- I'll go with you.
- I'll go with you.

Okay, just go.

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The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode10

Grammy.

There's my little boy.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, it's so lovely to see everyone.

Oh, and this must be Lucky.

It's Lucy.

You're with my son. You're lucky.

Grandma, can I go play in the basement?

Yes, dear, but stay away from Granddad's
microbrewery and his filthy magazines.

Okay.

Please, everyone, sit.

Oh, Richard, you look wonderful.

So happy and relaxed.

Well, life is good.

New Christine is takin
really good care of me.

Oh, I just give him what he
deserves. It's not that hard.

Richard? Richard, you jackass.

Why didn't you stop?
Didn't you see my blinker?

I didn't have any money in my wallet, so
I had to dine and dash at that coffee shop,

thanks to you, you idiot.

I miss her, though.

Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom.

Christine, coffee breath.

Oh, sorry, I'll brush my teeth.

Oh, don't bother.

Breath doesn't have to be a
concern when you're divorced.

Oh, that is fantastic.

Mom, you just went from
coffee to divorce in two steps.

That was quick.

Not as quick as your marriage.

You know what, Mom, I'm not the
only one who's divorced, okay?

Richard's divorced. Barb is divorced.

No, I'm not. Smell my breath. Minty.

All right. I'm divorced, Angela.

Well, I'm sure you'll
meet someone wonderful.

You never said that to me.

No.

Okay, I've got New Christine
and Lucky sleeping in here.

We've got the sofa bed and a
very comfortable air mattress.

Ritchie can stay in the basement.

The boys can bunk
together in Matthew's room.

And Barb and Christine can
take Christine's old room.

She means the garage.

We converted the garage to a lovely
bedroom for her in high school.

She never appreciated it.

You moved the car over three feet,
and you threw a futon in there.

And the garage door
is always open for you.

So, everyone should make
themselves comfortable.

Boys, watch the game with Daddy.

And girls, there's linens
in the upstairs hallway.

Happy Thanksgiving, Larry.

- Uh, Mom, where's Dad?
- In his chair.

Uh, no, he's not. I'm
looking at his chair.

He's not?

Oh, look at that. He must have run
out to pick up those pickles I needed.

I told him to sit still.
He does too much for me.

What? Who are you talking about?

Your father.

After 44 years of marriage, he
still treats me like a queen.

I tell you, that sweet man
would do anything for me.

What the hell? Treats her like a queen?

Sweet man?

Something's weird here-- why is she
saying all these nice things about Dad?

You know, she once told me
she walks three miles a day

just so she can outlive him and
have a few good days at the end.

Yeah, that's why Dad quit smoking.

It's a hateful game of chicken.

Richard, wake up.

What?

New Christine wants to switch.

She does?

Who brought it up, you or her?

I mean, I know she had a crush on Matthew,
but I never thought you'd go for it.

She wants you to come downstairs.

The three of us?

Is Matthew gonna be cool with this?

I'm gonna stay here.

Just go.

Mom, I'm sleeping.

Matthew!

What a you doing here?

I don't know. Thought I'd come see you.

This is your room, huh?

I bet I'd hear some stories
if these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk, they'd say,
"This guy's got to get a girlfriend.

He's gonna hurt himself."

Spent a lot of time alone. I
was into Dungeons and Dragons.

You know, I've never
been with a Jedi Knight.

That-that's Star Wars. It's
vastly different from D and D.

Wait a second, what are you doing? We're
at my mom's house. It's Thanksgiving.

I know, I thought we'd do
something to make us thankful.

Are you kidding me? I'm
gonna get laid in this room.

Ooh, did you hear that, walls?

Oh, do you have any birth control?

You mean besides the Dungeons
and Dragons wall mural?

Oh, if the rumors were true in high school,
Christine has a condom dispenser in her bedroom.

I'll brush my teeth.
We'll meet back here...

under the Cloak of Invisibility.

That's Harry Potter, but I... I
so appreciate that you're trying.

- Morning.
- Morning.

No snacking.

We're gonna be eating at noon.

I don't want you to spoil your appetite.

You're gonna have to find
something else to fill the hole.

You know, because of the divorce.

Thanks. I wasn't sure whe
you were going with that.

Hey, Mom, where was Dad last night?

What are you talking about?

Your dad was right here in this house.

Mom, he parks in my bedroom.

I would have noticed if he wasn't here.

Well, he must have parked on the
street so he wouldn't bother you.

You know how considerate your father is.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Last time I was here, he
overshot the parking space.

He pned me up against the headboard.

Mom, I don't think he
came home last night.

Maybe you should worry a little less about where my
husband is and a little more about where your husband is.

I don't have a husband.

Oh, I see what you did.

Hey, honey. How did you sleep?

How does it look like I slept?

Richard, I can't move my neck.

The stupid air mattress deflated
in the middle of the night.

I think I'm paralyzed.

Paralyzed? I can't handle that.

We need to talk.

Richard, if I am paralyzed because you insisted that I
spend my Thanksgiving at your ex-wife's parents' house,

then you are never leaving me.

Hey, you guys, I think
something is seriously wrong.

You know, my dad didn't come home last night,
and my mom is lying like crazy about it.

What? What is so hard
to understand about that?

No, shs paralyzed.

And I have to stay with her.

Oh, Barb, you're up.

Of course I'm up. Matthew was making
so much noise rooting around out there.

What were you looking for?

I was looking for Christine's
condoms from high school.

Lucy got turned on by my
Dungeons and Dragons room.

What, did you put a nerd curse on her?

Okay, first of all, if I wanted
her to be attracted to me,

I'd have used an
incantation, not a curse.

Who's the nerd now?

Still you.

Listen, guys, seriously,
something is wrong with Mom.

She does seem a little distracted.

She's less affectionate
to me than usual.

I didn't get a single butterfly
kiss when she tucked me in.

And where the hell is Dad?

There's only one explanation.

Your mom killed your dad.

Barb! Come on, don't even say that.

It's ridiculous.

Is it?I mean, you say
they hate each other,

and they're always
fighting, and where is he?

- I'm sure he'll be home any minute.
- Christine.

- What?
- Look.

He left his Gas-Tac?

Oh, my God, he never
leaves home without these.

Hey, Matthew, what's going on?

Bad things. Bad things
happen at this house.

There you are.

There you all are! Matthew!

Sorry, it's an emergency.

We need to talk where
my mom can't hear us.

So, we're not doing it?

Barb, this is ridiculous.

What are we talking about here?

My mother would not kill my father.

How do you know?

Because my mother doesn't kill people.

She just tortures them.

Millions of people are killed each year
by someone they didn't think would kill tm.

I'm telling you, it's on
Dateline every single night.

And during the holidays, people you'd never suspect
start slicing each other up like Christmas hams.

This is crazy. We have no proof that my
mom sliced up my dad like a Christmas ham.

Look at the facts-- 50% of all
American marriages end in divorce;

murder affects something like one in
two families, which is another 50%.

50% plus 50% is 100.

Which means if you're not divorced,

there's a 100% chance you either
killed or were killed by your spouse.

I need to see that written out.

I've been around your mom a lot.

I can see her killing someone.

People snap. I might snap.

And if they're going to snap,
the holidays are when they do it.

What are you all doing up here?

Smoking pot.

Well, come downstairs. I
need help setting the table.

Nice cer.

She didn't even flinch.

And you have weed?

I left my othes on the bathroom
floor, and now they're gone.

Oh, Mom probably scooped them up.

Dirty clothes on the floor
don't last long around here.

Plus, if she had all those bloody
clothes of your father's to wash,

she's probably doing a load anyway.

Is it time for dinner?

No, not yet, sweetie.
Go wash your hands.

I'm gonna go see if Grandma
will give me a piece of turkey?

No, Ritchie, Ritchie, you stay
away from Grandma. Do you hear me?

But I'm hungry.

Go, Ritchie, go!

Okay, what are we going
to do? What's the plan?

Someone has to confront her.

Amateurs don't do this.
We need Stone Phillips.

Maybe New Christine should go.

Why,ichard? Because I'm damaged goods?

Yes. You're the weakest.

If we have to make a run for it,
she's going to catch you anyway.

Just look at this turkey.

I think it's my best yet.

Mom? Where's Dad?

- He's running errands.
- No.

- He's watching TV.
- No.

- Smoking pot.
- Mom...

Everybody sit!

Is it dinner?

Ritchie, get out! Get out!

Christine, why are you shouting?

This is a hoday, not your marriage.

Okay, Mom, just tell us what's going on.

We found Dad's Gas-Tac, and we know he
doesn't leave the house without that.

Oh, please.

Your father had to go to
prescription strength two years ago.

He made a mockery of the
over-the-counter stuff.

He might as well have
been popping breath mints.

Then where is he? And no lies.

We had a fight.

- Is that why you killed him?
- What?

Barb!

Is that why you killed him?

No, I didn't kill your father.

We had a fight and he
left to go cool off.

When, when was that?

- Four days ago.
- What?

Oh, my God! Dad left you?

Of course not.

Larry would never leave me.

He went away to cool off,
but he'll be back today.

He loves Thanksgiving, and he loves me.

Nobody left anybody.

Except Richard left Christine.

Now until Daddy comes home, nobody eats.

I'm going to warm this up.

Your father hates cold turkey.

Christine, go talk to her.

Why me?

Because you understand what she's going
through. Your husband left you, too.

Hey, I left him.

Only because you beat me to the door.

- Is that... What are you opening?
- Nothing.

- I smell chocolate.
- And caramel.

Somebody's got a Twix.

Do you?

It's mine.

We're getting married.
You're supposed to share.

We're not married yet.

And you were going to leave
me because I have a stiff neck.

Kill her! Get the Twix!

Matthew, I thought you
were getting my clothes.

Oh, shoot.

I can't believe you left me up there.

Lucy, I'm so sorry. I think
my parents are splitting up.

Oh, is there anything I can do?

Well, you're standing there
naked in my Dungeon Master's cape.

If you were holding the Sword of Narlock, you
would have fulfilled my every teenage fantasy.

I bet you spent a lot of time in high
school holding your Sword of Narlock.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm just looking for celery.

Where's the celery?

The celery's gone!

Gone forever! And
it's never coming back!

Mom, please get your hea
out of the refrigerator.

You're not really
upset about the celery.

I am. The celery is my whole life.

Well, I know you're used to the...

celery, but I mean, maybe you
could be happy without it, Mom.

I mean, the celery w
inconsiderate and gassy

and had that one thick toenail
that looked like a hoof.

You know, the one he
uses as a letter opener.

Mom, come on. Come on. Mommy, come.

Come and sit down, okay?

Listen, I want you to understand I-I
really know what you're going through.

Oh, you have no idea what
I'm going through, Christine.

I've been married to
that man for 44 years,

and I was raised to believe
that marriage was forever.

Till the bitter end.

Not something you abandon
when things get hard.

What if he never comes home?

Well, no matter happens, it's
not the end of the world, Mom.

No, it isn't. It wasn't
for me, it won't be for you.

You know, sometimes marriages
just run their course.

I'm happy now. See?

I guess I was pretty hard on you.

I looked at your divorce as a failure.

And if I admitted your father was
gone, I'd be saying I'm a failure, too,

and I think we both know
I'm not going to say that.

No, you don't have to say that.

Why don't you just
have a piece of turkey?

No, no, I can't eat anything
till your father comes home.

He always gets the first piece.

No, not this time. Come
on, Mom, just take a bite.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Oh, it's good.

Good for you, Mom.

Yeah, enjoy it. You deserve it.

Everything is going to be okay, really.

Thank you, Christine.

- Dad's back.
- What?

- What?
- And he's hungry.

Oh, my God!

The turkey is ruined!

Look what you made me do!

I knew your father was coming home.

That's the problem with
you divorced people.

You're never satisfied till
everybody else is divorced, too.

No, I'm sorr Mom, I
was just trying to help.

You know, everybody else in that
room thought you had killed him.

I'm the good one, Mom!

Your father's waiting.

How do I look?

- You always look good.
- Yeah? You look pretty, too.

I'm sorry about the turkey, Larry.

Christine ruined it.

She said I'm pretty.

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