The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 3, Episode 10 - One and a Half Men - full transcript

any significant changes in
your health since last year?

Uh,nope.

Although I have been fighting this
low-grade flu for the last couple of weeks.

I used some mascara I found at the gym.

Guess I gambled,and I lost.

Okay,I'm out.

So,what are your symptoms?

Well,let's see.

Uh,I can't sleep,I'm hot all the time,

uh,very forgetful,I can't sleep.

I'm hot all the time.



Good. Got it.Got it.

And how's your libido?

Oh,you're very sweet,but you know what?

I'm not really dating right now.

I just got out of a relationship that
did a real number on my head. So..

I'm happily married.

Well,then shame on you.

No,I'M.. I'm not asking you out.

I wish I could.

so,your symptoms sound hormonal to me,

but we're gonna run a little
blood work,see what's going on.

Uh,do you think you need a
little more urine? 'Cause I,uh..

I think I'm ready to go again.

No,we're.. we're good
on the urine,thank you.



You've already given us more
than we could possibly use.

I'm thinking you might
be perimenopausal.

I'm thinking you might be an ass.

These hormone fluctuations can occur for about
ten years before you're actually in menopause,

and even though under "age,"
you wrote "timeless beauty.."

I think we might be in the ballpark.

Hey,you know,with all due respect,dr.
Palmer,I really do know my body,

and I have the flu,and I don't
want to talk about this anymore,

so,if you would be just kind enough to
palpate my boobs,and I'll be on my way.

Okay,fine,I'll go out with you.

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The New Adventures of Old Christine
Season03 Episode10

hey,mom.

what?

- For god's sake,christine.
- What?

- You're naked!
- You're cleaning!

Cool. Is that a robot?

No,ritchie,it's a vacuum.
You've seen this before.

Why is it so loud?

Becaus darling,it's on.

- Hey,mom,guess what?
- What?

I got invited to cotillion.

we're not jewish,ritchie.

God knows if we were,we
wouldn't be living in this dump.

Christine!

What? Well,it's a compliment.

They're good with money.

Christine!

Do you know that you're
standing there in your bra?

Yeah. I am boiling,okay?

I think I have a fever.

Ritchie,go upstairs,get started on
your homework.I got to talk to daddy.

Okay. But please sign it.

I really want to go to cotillion.

What is this,like a debutante ball?

Oh no,you're not a debutante
until you're much olde

this is just preparation
for your coming out.

No. No,he's not doing that.

I still think he might be straight.

It's not that kind of coming out.

It's etiquette and dance class.

Etiquette. I know what that's code for.

Let's train the women
to service the men.

I think you're thinking of a sorority.

Oh,and then,look at this.

Marly and lindsay are the patronesses.

Oh,come on. No,he's not doing this.

This is racist,this is sexist.

This does not reflect my values.

Says the topsessnti-semite
with the filthy house.

I went to cotillion,and I loved it.

And it's not sexist.

It teaches boys how to be young gentlemen,and
it teaches girls how to be young ladies.

what sorority were you in?

Look,let's let him go.

It'll give him a chance to be
around girls,instead of this.

Richard,why don't we just send him to
oppress women and enslave them camp?

Because that's a sleepaway
camp,and he can't do an overnight.

Look,I don't want him to oppressomen.

I just want him to be around them,maybe
dance with them,maybe marry them.

maybe it would just be good
for him to get out of the house.

He's going,all right?

We agreed that you'd be in charge of
health,education and welfare,and I'd get sports.

And learning which fork to use is about as
close to sports as this kid's going to get.

Richard,seriously,I
don't approve of this.

This is going to give him a really
warped view of what a woman is.

God almighty,why am I so hot?

Oh,well,at least you're
wearing pants this time.

And my thighs are sweating
like nobody's business.

It is nobody's business.

Richard,I want to go home.

Okay,we're leaving,but you're
going to sign him up,right?

what's wrong with you?
Did you go to the doctor?

Yeah,I did.

He's still deeply in love
with me,but he's a quack.

Isn't it crazy all your doctors and
dentists are deeply in love with you?

It is.

Anyway,I told him about my fever and
my insomnia and my brain problems--

you know,how I can't
remember anything--

and he told me he thought I could
be at the beginning of menopause.

- No.
- Yeah,that's what I said.

No,I can't do this again.

What? What are you talking about?

The last four years I lived with
mom,she was going through the change.

It nearly killed me.
I can't do it again.

The hot towels,the cold compresses.

If I close my eyes,I can still
feel her mustache on my cheek.

Stop it,matthew!

everything is fine here,okay?

I am young,I am vibrant.

Hey,look-- it's
the bad humor lady.

A man should only have to
go through menopause once!

No one is going through menopause!

I won't do it again!

: Hey,no one is asking you to!

God..

is that the bra from the
lost and found at the gym?

Nobody claimed it.

You're nasty.

Listen,okay,barb,I went to the doctor,

and he told me that I
might be perimenopausal.

So? That's not menopause.

It's peri,meaning not
quite,like periodontist.

Not quite a dontist.

So,I've been perimenopausal
for two years.

Yeah,but you're much older than me.

I'm two years younger than you.

Oh,my god,you look awful.

Yeah,because I have to
run a gym all by myself.

Oh,my god,I forgot to go to work!

Yeah,you also forgot to put on a shirt.

Oh,god,what's happening to me? My eggs!

It's no big deal.
Menopause isn't that bad.

What? It's a huge deal.

I feel terrible. I'm
hot,I'm cold,I'm wet,I'm dry.

Look,I'll give you this
cream my doctor gave me.

It got rid of all my symptoms.

I don't want your old lady cream.

Yeah,who needs thick hair,a
sex drive and a dry shirt?

You've got three sweaty eggs.

Why-wh.. why are you yelling at me?

Plus it will help with the moodiness.

No,I'm not moody. You
are such a good friend.

Just get out. No,no,no,don't leave me.

Matthew,get in here!

Oh,my god!

We've had to go back and have
kelsey's dress fitted three times.

She keeps losing weight.

I'm afraid she might
have an eating disorder.

Why must everything be
a competition with you?

Uh,I want to sign
ritchie up for cotillion.

Christine,what's happening
with you? You're all..

swampy.

Yeah,and you're kind
of flushed and splotchy.

Yeah,I have the flu.

- The menopause flu.
- Matthew!

Oh,ye,my nanny just went
through the change,too.

Wait. I thought your
nanny had a heart attack?

Well,she was sweaty and missed
two days of work. I don't know.

Okay,it's not the change,all
right? I have the flu.

I'd just like to sign
my kid up for cotillion.

Are you sure that cotillion's
the right place for ritchie?

Yeahall spring.

Won't it interfere with
your family bowling nights?

We don't bowl.

We only go there for the nachos.

Okay,matthew,don't get into it. Okay?

Please,could I just write a check
so that I could get out of here?

In fact,you know what?

I'm gonna leave it blank,and
then you guys can ju f filit out.

Ew,it's soggy.

And,uh,how long should we
wait until we can cash this?

Not necessary.

Actually,you know what?

A week would really help me out.

Oh,god.

Please lower your shirt.
We're in a school zone.

Oh,god.

Why do you take so much
crap from those women?

What do you mean? I don'T.

They're awful to you,and yoyojust
stand there sweating and..

do you have to breathe like that?

I'm hot,matthew.

Who cares what those women think anyway?

All right,I got bigger problems.
I think that doctor was right.

I'm perimenopausal.

Oh,where is barb's old lady cream?

Oh,god,where are you going to put that?

Come on.

Oh,god.

Come on!Come on! Come on,come on.

How you doing in there,pal?

Ritchie: Great.

You got the suit on yet?

I'm supposed to put it on?

What are you doing? You've
been in there for 15 minutes.

Just put it on.

I got mine on,and it
looks.. pretty good.

What the hell?

Oh,god.

What happened to my neck?

This doesn't fit me.

These pants are too long.

They'll fix them.

My wiener itches.

That's part of wearing a suit.

That's why they give you long pockets.

Turn around,let me have a look at you.

Yeah,you look great,pal.

Okay,easy with the pockets.

Hey,matthew.

Ooh,you're making a sandwich.
Can you make me a couple?

I would if I could get this jar open.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

God,I'm so grateful to feel better.

I had the best day.

I'm thinking clearly. I have energy.

I remembered where I took
my dry cleaning a year ago.

I even joined a gym.

You own a gym.

Oh,shoot.

Well,I joined a nice gym. Here.

Here you go.

Thanks. How'd you do that?

It was easy.

What's the matter with
you today,princess?

- What's going on with you?
- What?

You're-you're all amped up.

Am I? Am I all amped up,matthew?

Ooh,flinch. That'll cost you.

Come on,man,I barely touched you.

what,what's happening?

I don't know. That cream is a miracle.

You know,I'm back to my old self.

No,you're not. You're
back to dad's old self.

What's in that cream?

I don't know. Cream.

Lady cream. Two percent lady cream.

You didn't even ask what's in it?

It's barb's-- she uses
it,she's practically a doctor.

How is barb practically a doctor?

I don't know. She washes
her hands all the time.

Let me see that cream.

Oh,think fast.

You whipped it.

Ooh,did I whip it,matthew?

Christine,uh,this is testosterone cream.

So? What does that mean?

Well,sir,uh,it means you've been
rubbing yourself with male hormones.

Well,barb uses it,and she'S..

oh,god.

But I feel so much better,you know.

I'm not hot,I mbn remecaer
things,I'm sleeping like a baby.

What's the downside?

Well,there's going to be an asterisk next
to your name in the baseball hall of fame.

Did you.. did you just adjust yourself?

What could you possibly be adjusting?

Hey,you know what? Don't
worry about it.Okay?

Listen,and so what if that cream
gets me all pumped up,you know?

I feel better.

It doesn't hurt anything.

Okay,ritchie,go upstairs
and hang your suit up.

I want to talk to your
mom and uncle matthew.

How was suit shopping?

It was cool.

The guy drew all over my clothes.

I want to be a tailor.

Oh,ritchie,I told
you,honey,we're not jewish.

Christine.

What? It's a compliment.

They're good with fabric.

How come nobody told me about this?

What,your neck thing?

You refer to it as my "neck thing"?

Oh,I thought we called
it your chin thing.

You talk about it?

Well,not a lot.

I was going to be it for halloween.

Oh,my god. I have a waddle.

I'm a turkey.

Ah,you look great.

In those khakis I guarantee you
nobody's looking at your neck thing.

What?

I'm just saying,you look good.

whatas shat?

I think my libido is back,and then some.

You know,I hear richard talking about his feelings
and all I want to do is ride that wild turkey.

Hey,I'm a person.

I'm sorry. God,what is going on with me?

You're all juiced up on testosterone.

Boy,that was scary.

I'm sorry,richard. You are a person.

Man,I'm going to stop using that cream.

Before I do,I'm just going to get
a little taste of that white meat.

Oh,look,here comes the addams family.

Man,it doesn't get much
whiter than this,does it?

Yeah,we put a lot of work into it.

Hi,ritchie.

Hi,ashley. Hey,kelsey.

So,ritchie,you need to check in with
mr. Dupont,the cotillion director,

- and he'll tell you where you need to go.
- Okay.

Okay,ritch,go on.

And,uh,keep your hands where you can see them
or I'm going to have t9 sew your pockets shut.

So where should we go?

Uh,maybe you need to go get
ready to saw a lady in half.

You making fun of my
outfit,merv griffin?

So,uh,parents are welcome
to observe from the sides,

but we should go over
a few cotillion rules.

Uh,we are here to learn
to be ladies and gentlemen.

Which means no gum chewing,no
foul language,no open containers,

and no weapons.

You want to check my bag?

I don't want to checkour baga

now remember,gentlemen,

it's perfectly acceptable to
open one's jacket when seated.

And ladies,remember,we sit up straight
and our legs cross at the ankles.

Gentlemen,also,keep an eye
on your ladies' glasses.

Never let it get below half
empty before offering a refill.

Yeah,ass.

You're not my date,ass.

And,let's pasasremember to keep our voices at
an appropriate level for polite conversation.

Busted.

It's time to dance.

First group of gentlemen on my right.

Ladies on my left.

And I'll be here
somewhere in the middle.

Gentlemen,you will now select
your partner for the fox-trot.

Well,it may be sexist,and it
may be racist,but it's adorable.

That's not easy totoull off.

When you've selected your
partner,you will extend your arm.

Ladies,it is incumbent upon you to
accinhis ept vitation by placing your hand..

you know,that mr. Dupont's not so bad.

It'd be nice to go out with
a gentleman for a change.

I'm sure he feels the same way.

Hey,listen,sometimes those
persnickety guys,they surprise you.

Oh,he could fill my punch cup.

What's the matter with you?

You still on thatream?

What? No.

Well,then,why are you
suddenly hot for that guy?

Oh,come on,matthew.

You know I've always had
terrible taste in men.

That's true.

She's right.

ooh,look,ritchie's about
to ask a girl to dance.

I'm glad she doesn't know
where those hands have been.

It's okay,sweetie,keep moving.

Okay.

Did you see that? She can't do that.

No.

Oh,that's not okay.

Wait,what are you doing?

Can I talk to you both outside?

Uh,no. We're the
patronesses.We can't leave.

Okay,well,either you can step outside with me
or I can pull you out by your hair extensions.

Yeah,we'll step outside.

Christine. What is wrong with you?

Why can't ritchie dance
with your daughters?

I was fine with him dancing
with lindsay's dauter.

So,are we clear?

No,were not clear.

Listen,I have taken your
crap for the last three years,

and I'm going to tell you something.

If you ever make ritchie feel
unwelcome or embarrass him again,

I would be thrilled for the opportunity
to kick your sorry,tanned,bleached-blond,

botoxed asses back to your tacky
mcmansions and your loveless marriages.

You got that?

- Oh,christine.So much drama.
- Yeah.

I'm not done.

You're going to march
right back out there,

you're going to tell ritchie he
can dance with whomever he wants.

Christine,relax,this is cotillion.

You're acting like they just ran
out of nachos at the bowling alley.

Christine,you're
missing the whole thing.

Ritchie's doing the
fox-trot with a giant.

You see there,christine?
He found a girl.

There's a lid for every pot.

Even a pot in a cheap little suit.

I'm on testosterone right
now,and I could kill you.

Marly!

chriE. Stin.

I've taken their crap for three
years,richard. For three years.

You didn't stop taking that cream.

No,and I never will. Let go,you turkey!

What's wrong with her,and
why is she so strong?

She can't help
it-- she's a dude.

I got her.

Christine,you can sit up.

I'm just going to give
you your test results.

Oh,well,you got a freebie.

We won't be needing the urine
you left with reception,either.

Man,it is so hot in here.

Okay,so,tell me what you've
got,although,you don't even have to tell me.

I know,I'm perimenopausal,right?

- No,your hormone levels all within the normal ranges.
- What?

Then why am I so angry?

I'm sure you're having some kind of..

why are you in the stirrups again?

I told you,we're not doing that.

I'm hot,okay. I need a breeze.

Well,you probably have a fever.

And a remarkable lack of boundaries.

You tested positive
for the varicella virus.

Oh,I knew I shouldn't have
worn that bathing suit I found.

That's chicken pox.

Chicken pox?

You mean like the kid disease?

It didn't look like
a kid's bathing suit.

You n't catch chicken
pox from a bathing suit.

Good,then I can keep it.

All right,would you forget
about the bathing suit.

You have chicken pox.

And probably an
undiagnosed mental illness.

No menopause?

No. Not yet.

But chicken pox can be
very,very serious in adults.

So,I want to see you again next week.

Oh,you're so sweet.But
you know what,seriously,

I just got out of a relationship
that did such a number on my..

okay. Get dressed.Get out.

Can I go pee though?