The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Welcome to the Pit Stop How May I Help You - full transcript

This is a first.

Empty service bay
available.

Yeah, it happens.

You know, usually,
when I bring my car in,

I have to leave it
out on the street.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

'Cause you're
so busy.

Yup.

Not today, though.

No, not today.

You want to talk
about it?



I do not.

[sighs]

You know
I can't do that.

All right, look, fine.

Business isn't what
it used to be.

And it's not just the
competition from the big chains,

it's all these new cars.

They don't have driveshafts
and differentials,

it's just motherboards
and chips.

It's like riding around
in a big-ass iPad.

Well...

would you like some
constructive criticism?

Oh... Lord.

Look, this place
is a little old-school.



I mean, you don't
even have free Wi-Fi.

Yes, I do.

It's from the Thai place
next door.

The password
is "padthai22."

They tried to change it,
but I figured it out.

[laughs]

Okay.

Have you ever noticed
one of those businesses

that has a sticker
in the window that reads,

"People love us
on Yelp"?

Yeah, but why would I care
about some sticker?

Well, because your customers
care about them.

I use the site
all the time.

In fact, I have
Elite reviewer status,

not to brag.

Don't worry,
you didn't.

Okay, think about this,

would Tina
ever read a book

that didn't have
an Oprah sticker on it?

[chuckling]
Hell no.

How would she know
if the book is good?

Ah...

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
Season 05 Episode 02

Episode Title: "Welcome to the Pit Stop
How May I Help You"

"Since 1989, Calvin Butler
Aired on: September 26, 2022.

"has been Pasadena's

"most sought-after
mechanic.

There has even been
talk of a statue."

- Whoa, check you out, Pop.
- What?

You building a Yelp page.
Man, that's pretty ambitious

for a man of your,
uh... [stammers]

...vintage.

Well, I'll have you know
that I'm actually

pretty good
with technology.

See, I got this cool picture
of the shop.

All I have to do is get it off
my phone and onto my computer,

which is easy
because, uh...

Just let me do it.

Oh, I like that idea.

Yeah, there you go.
[chuckles] Yeah. [mutters]

Hey, man,

I've been thinking,
we should go out

for a night on the town
this week,

like back in the day.
Butler boys.

Oh, yeah, that's
interesting. [laughs]

You know, since the day
you met Necie,

you have asked me to hang out
a total of zero times.

But now that she's out of town,

suddenly,
I'm not invisible anymore.

I know, I know.

I've been
a bad brother.

Yeah.
It's just so weird

with Necie being gone.

I don't know what
to do with myself, man.

For the last six months,
I've been, you know,

busy... every night.

Yes, I know.
I can hear the shrieking.

Thank God Necie
is quiet.

Good Lord, yuck.

[chuckles] I see your yuck,

and raise you a...
[shudders]

Okay, it has been a minute

since I hit the clubs.

We should take two
separate cars 'cause, uh,

- you know how your boy does.
- [laughs]

[forced laugh]

No, we don't.
Let's keep it that way.

Here, Pops,
your picture is uploaded.

Ah, cool. All right.

And...

Calvin's Yelp page
is ready to launch.

All right.
This is exciting.

Okay, ten... nine...

- eight... - And post.
- [laptop chimes]

Dad,

you got to respect
the countdown, man.

Marty, I ain't got
time to waste.

I'm trying to get me a sticker.

So...

you about ready
to close that thing?

Almost.

- You know, writing a Yelp
- [sighs]

review is tricky.

There's a fine line between rave
and going over the top.

Oh, there's also
a fine line between

sex and me
going to sleep.

Stay with me, baby.
I'm almost done.

[groans] Just give him
five stars

and take
your pants off.

Look, you know,
it's not that simple.

I take the integrity of my
Yelp reviews very seriously.

There are legions
of Yelpers out there

who have come to trust
the reviews of "Dave J."

That is 100%
in your head.

Is it?

I gave one star to a bike shop
that bent my frame.

36 people found
that review "helpful."

That bike shop
is now a dentist office.

Mmm. That kind of power
is a turn-on.

Is it?

No, but it's 11:15, so

- yes.
- O-Okay.

CHILDREN [singing off-key]:
♪ This little light of

♪ Mine

♪ I'm gonna let it... Ugh.

Hey, Tina.
Thanks for picking me up.

What in the Fergie's national
anthem is going on in there?

It's the after-school
music program.

We lost our music teacher
last year,

so the biology teacher
is filling in.

Well, what, is he dissecting
a live goat in there?

It's not that bad.

[children wailing-singing]

Okay, it's terrible.
Mm.

I'm looking to hire
someone new,

but it's a really hard
position to fill.

I need someone
who can sing and dance

and has the charisma

to inspire the kids.

And pretty.

Gemma, how gullible
do you think I am?

What? Why would you...
Wh-Wh-What?

[imitating Gemma]: "Hey, T.
Thanks for picking me up.

Meet me in front
of multipurpose room three."

You knew damn well I was gonna
walk in and hear all that mess.

Whoa. You think...
Wh... Uh, what?

Will you do it?

[smacks lips]

Gemma, you know I've got
my cupcake business and...

But it's only a couple
of afternoons a week.

[sighs]
But you know what?

I shouldn't have
put you on the spot.

Yeah, you
shouldn't have.

- Oh, hi, Miss Tina.
- Hey.

I wasn't expecting
to see you here.

Can we
go home, Mom?

I'm sad.

This is making all the kids
fall out of love

- with music.
- Oh.

The only thing worse than
that singing is y'all's acting.

I'll take that
as a yes.

- All right.
- [shrieks]

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm...

Mm-hmm...

So...?
It's good, right?

No, it's great.
[chuckles]

Real rave. Five stars.

Happy to do it.

[stammers] There's one line
in here that,

uh, you know,
threw me off a little.

"Don't be put off

"by the owner's
prickly exterior,

you'll come to realize
he's a great guy."

Yeah.

Why-why did you call me
"prickly"?

Well, the takeaway is

"great guy."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,

but before that it's "prickly."

Okay, look, Calvin, don't
take this as an insult, but,

you know, I didn't want my
followers to come in and be...

caught off guard by your...
strong personality.

But, again, "great guy."

I appreciate
the review, Dave,

but, come on, I'm not prickly.

Oh, I agree, Pop.

You're not prickly.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's not
the right word.

It's more like...
cantankerous. [chuckles]

Testy.

Cranky.

Ooh, you know,
I considered cranky.

- Ah.
- Ooh, you know what? I got it:

obstreperous.

- Oh, yeah. Obstreperous.
- No, no, no, no.

I am not obstreperous.

I'm the opposite.
I am very streperous.

Calvin, you know, you're
only focusing on the negative.

Look at this.

18 thumbs up for Dave J.
I'm killing it.

But the important
thing is-is

I'm bringing eyeballs
to your site.

Yes, and all the eyeballs
are agreeing with you.

"The owner is definitely
on the prickly side."

Oh, ooh, oh, look at,
"Watch out for Mr. Grumpy."

Look, these are all
five-star reviews, though.

This is how
you earn the sticker.

Ooh, "crusty."

Ooh, yup, yup.
"Crotchety."

CHILDREN [singing]: - ♪ Oh, freedom
- ♪ Freedom

♪ Freedom
[off key]: ♪ Freedom

♪ Freedom

- ♪ Freedom...
- Stop.

- Stop, stop, stop.
- [music stops]

Okay. [chuckles]

William, Phoebe,
I think you two will be happier

in the rhythm section.
We all will.

Okay, now, let's take it back

- to the top.
- [music starts playing]

CHILDREN:
♪ Oh, freedom

- [off-key]: ♪ Freedom, freedom
- ♪ Freedom

- ♪ Freedom
- ♪ Freedom...

- Stop!
- [music stops]

Ugh, Grover,

you are croaking
like a frog. Stand up.

I need for you to sing
from your diaphragm, okay?

We're gonna take you up
an octave, Froggy, all right?

- ♪ Ah
- ♪ Ah

- ♪ Ah, ah
- ♪ Ah

♪ Ah...
- Yes!

That's your
sweet spot, Kermit.

[laughter]

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't laugh.

Some of y'all
sound like

you got your fingers
slammed in a car door.

Let's go. Again.

This is gonna take a week?

Well, it wouldn't
take a week

if you ever
changed your oil.

Man, you sound like
my father.

Well, I am not your father
because, if I was,

I'd take your car
and give you a bike.

Now take that
to your real daddy.

So, Calvin, just curious,

how do you think that guy's
feeling right now?

[chuckling] Probably stupid
for not changing his oil.

Okay, you know what,
uh, let me rephrase.

What do you think that guy's
gonna say on Yelp?

"Five stars"?

"Guy reminds me of my father"?

Come on, Dave, come on,
don't-don't get in my head

- about this.
- Well, I don't want to,

but with Yelp comes
tremendous responsibility.

I don't want
the responsibility,

I just want the sticker.

You have to earn the sticker.

Now, it's not
that not hard.

You just got to add
a little bit of sunshine.

Now, I've taken the liberty of
making you a little cheat sheet.

Here, "Number one,
ask them how they're doing,

i.e. how their day is."

Their day is terrible.
Their car's broken.

Ugh.

Calvin, come on,
just try it out.

[sighs] All right,
I'll give it a shot,

man.
Okay, look.

[laughs] Yeah, all right.

Hello. Welcome
to Calvin's Pit Stop.

How are you today?
I'd really like to know.

Hey.

Hello, again. How are you?

I need to dump some used
motor oil. Where do I put it?

I'll tell you
where you can put it.

- You can put it...
- [coughs]

Look, I'm sorry, but we only
do that for our customers.

But the recycling center is just
a mile up Lincoln in Altadena.

It's a lovely drive, by the way.

All right, fine.

[Calvin chuckles]

Be sure to love us on Yelp.

Man...

You see that...

Calvin, that showed
amazing restraint.

- It sure did. Did you hear him?
- Yeah.

"I want
to recycle my oil."

You know what?
I was about to recycle...

Hey, hello.

Welcome to Calvin's Pit Stop.

How can I turn
your Monday a fun day?

Nailed it.

So, I wanted
to show you

what I'm gonna do
with my class tomorrow.

Nobody can teach the difference

between major
and minor keys like

Stevie Wonder. [laughs]

Ooh. Whew.

This is gonna blow
their little unformed minds.

That's awesome.

You're doing a great job.
It's just...

these kids are
pretty sheltered,

and I'm afraid
you're being a

teensy bit... blunt.

Yup. That's me.

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

And that's great.

It's just, maybe you're
a little too blunt.

Just a teensy weensy bit.

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

I'm being
"a teensy weensy bit...

too blunt"?

Just try to remember
they're children.

Children with parents who aren't
shy about calling the principal.

But, again,

you're doing great,
so great.

So great, but too blunt, huh?

Just an eensy, teensy,
weensy bit. [chuckles]

And pretty, so pretty.

Whoo! Oh, man!

Man, it's been
a long time.

Last time
I was out like this,

I was a desperate single guy,
striking out with hot women.

[laughs]

Well, it's a grind
out here, man.

You know, you are lucky
you are not on the hunt anymore.

Hey, what can I say, baby?
I'm a lucky man.

- [laughs]
- [scoffs] Yeah, right.

I am in your way.
Forgive me.

Oh, don't worry.
I'll find a way to squeeze in.

- What the hell was that?
- What?

She was hitting
on you, man.

- No, really?
- Yes, really.

Save my spot.

At all costs.
[chuckles] Okay.

- This spot right here?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, I got it.

[grunting, whooshing]

You're dancing
with me.

- [chuckles]
- Who are you?

I don't know.

[grunts]

Uh-oh.

Baby, why are you frowning?

I can't help it, bae.

I've been fake-smiling all day.

It's like my face
been doing squats.

But, apparently,
that's what you have to do

if I want to get
one of these Yelp stickers.

I mean, God forbid I look
at somebody the wrong way,

and they write a bad review.

Well, that's ridiculous,
Calvin.

Your customers
have always loved you.

I know.

So what if
I'm prickly?

- I am who I am.
- Exactly.

You know,
like today,

Gemma told me that
I was too blunt.

What's wrong with blunt?

Nothing.

It's not my job
to lie to those kids.

They need honesty
if they're gonna do better.

You know what,
if we are guilty of anything,

it's that
we care too much.

Boom.

[grunts]

I actually like
your bluntness.

- Mm.
- You are a strong, blunt woman.

Mm-hmm.

And I like that
you're prickly, you know?

That means
you don't take any crap.

You mess with a porcupine,
your behind's gonna get pricked.

[laughs]

You see, that's why
we are a great couple.

Mm. That's right,
that's right.

Um, baby,
may I be blunt?

I wish that you would.

I want to take you
to the bedroom

and do 17 nasty
things to you.

Seventeen?

Ooh, can we do nine
and get some rest?

No? Well, how about I lay
there, and we can do 12?

[Marty laughing]

Valerie! Valerie.

Valerie, I...
I'm an engaged man.

A very, very flattered
engaged man.

Okay.

[laughing]

I feel like a piece of meat,

but I did get a free margatini.

I figured it out.

You know, it all
makes sense now.

See, it used to be,
in situations like this, you...

you always had an air
of desperation about you.

Yeah, no argument there.

But now that
you have a fiancée,

it is totally
different.

You see,
the desperation is gone.

You're loose
and-and funny,

and you are not even
trying at all.

Why didn't I have
this superpower

when I could've enjoyed it?

That is the irony,
my brother.

You only have it
because you don't need it.

You know, this is fun,
man, but...

I am over this dating scene.

Got to be honest,
lil' bro...

...I envy what you have
with Necie.

Aw, man.

You know, if you want
to find the one,

you got to meet her
somewhere, right?

- Yeah.
- Let me

use my powers for good.

What do you mean?

Excuse me, miss.

- Do you like Idris Elba?
- Yes, I do.

Okay, well, what if Idris
was younger, more athletic,

and had a job coaching baseball
at one of the most prestigious

universities in
Southern California?

Whoa, you do?

No, girl. Look at me.

No, I struck out at kickball,
and I'm engaged, but...

...this is my brother,
and he is a catch.

[clears throat]
Hey, I'm Malcolm.

Six two.

Hi, Malcolm. Uh, come sit
with me and my friends.

Oh, I would love to.

Can you do
a British accent?

- [British accent]: I do believe I can.
- [laughs]

Oh, hey, Calvin.

So, you just wait out here?

Sometimes I do, yes.

- What do you want?
- Okay, well,

despite my intentions,
which were

very, very good...

[sighs] I messed up.

What the hell?

So my rating went down
a half a star?

I know. Scroll down.

"The owner smiled
the whole time,

it was creepy."

Oh, and then
there's this one.

"Expect a lot
of mindless chitchat."

In my defense,

I happen to love
mindless chitchat.

You know, I should've
followed my instincts.

It just didn't feel right
being so nice.

I'm done, Dave.

I'm bringing back
old Calvin,

and if that doesn't give me
a sticker, then so be it.

No, y-you are getting
that sticker

because you're
a great mechanic.

Look, you were getting
nothing but five stars

until I started getting
in your head.

You're damn right I was.

Yes, you were, and you want
to know why?

Because people
love Prickly Calvin.

I love
Prickly Calvin.

I know you do.

Now get the hell
out of my way.

Hey, Calvin.

Welcome back.

CHILDREN:
♪ Freedom

- ♪ Freedom
- ♪ Oh, freedom

♪ Freedom

- ♪ Freedom
- ♪ Oh, freedom

♪ Freedom, freedom ♪ Freedom

♪ Oh, freedom, oh, freedom

♪ Freedom.

Yes! I love it.

That was almost beautiful.

You little germ buckets
can sing.

All right, give me some,
give me some, give me some.

Okay, okay, now,
run me my props.

I think that's what
I'm about to do.

Tina, I'm blown away.

Oh, of course you are.
And by the way?

Five more kids
showed up this week,

and two of them
can actually sing.

[both laugh]

- That's great.
- Uh-huh.

Look, Gemma, I, um,

I know you're in
a tough position,

but... I got to be me.

And I want you to be.

If I'm gonna be good at my job,

- I've got to hire the best people...
- Mm.

- ...and you are the best.
- Mm.

You can be as blunt
as you want to be.

Good. [chuckles]
'Cause those pants

aren't doing your butt
any favors.