The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Welcome to the Commercial - full transcript

Aw, I love
our cozy date nights.

Me, too, baby.

Grape me.

Oh, man, I hate
y'all cozy date nights.

That's because you're not
a romantic like your father.

Now be quiet, we're trying
to watch Swamp Truckers.

Man, you got
to love that Jolene.

That girl's got
more tires than teeth.

Well, I will see y'all later.

Sofia and I are going
for a walk on the beach.

The beach?



Ain't nothing romantic about
getting sand in your cracks.

Grape me again, baby.
But put some finger on it.

Man, please don't put them
grapes back in the fridge.

Oh, man, look.

There's another one of those
Motor Boys commercials.

♪ Car or truck, you're in luck

♪ With the Motor Boys,
beep, beep. ♪

Man, Pop, your competition
sure is running a lot of ads.

I don't know, baby.
Should we be scared?

Hell no.

Calvin's Pit Stop
is a local institution.

If anybody should be scared,
it's them.

Change the channel, baby.

♪ Car or truck,
you're in luck with the... ♪



♪ Estás de suerte
conMotor Boys ♪

♪ Beep-a, beep-a. ♪

See? I told you.

They even scared of me
in Spanish.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*

Season 02 Episode 17
Title: "Welcome to the Commercial"

Okay, this one needs
to be washed in cold water,

this one on delicate

and this one is hand-wash only.

Got it. All right.

Uh, Mom... are you,
are you gonna remember?

That I do your laundry
for free? Yes.

Tina, everyone was right.

You're married to a genius.

Oh, really? Does that guy know
you're also married to Dad?

Very funny.

Look, I figured out the perfect
way to take down Motor Boys.

We're gonna do a commercial
for the shop.

A commercial?
Aren't those expensive?

No, no. I made
a deal on airtime.

The only catch
is we have no budget,

Oh... it has to be done in three days

and we got to
shoot it ourselves.

Told you. Genius.

Mom is right.
We can't do a commercial.

No, trust me, I got
it all figured out.

You're gonna shoot it
with your fancy new phone,

we'll play ourselves

and I just got someone
to play the customer.

Dad, what actor would be
desperate enough

to star in the world's
cheapest commercial for free?

I got your text.

I'm ready for my close-up.

Ah, I should go.

I got an early shift
in the morning.

Are you sure you don't want
to stay at my place again?

Uh, you know, I better not.

Last time we didn't
get any sleep,

and I dozed off on my Taser.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

That went well.

Hey! Man...

Gemma, were you spying on us?

Well, what can I say?

You're my favorite neighbor,
she's my favorite employee.

It makes me happy
to see you two so in l...

I-Los Angeles.

Come on.

Don't tell me you haven't said
"I love you" yet.

What? I-It's only been
four months.

Only? Dave said it
the first time we met.

I was working at the Burger King
drive-through,

and he blurted it out right
after I handed him his Whopper.

I felt like the Burger Queen.

Well, I'm not like
you guys, Gemma.

I don't hand out "I love yous"
like Whoppers.

No... Well, you're missing out,
because they are both delicious.

Okay, here's how it's gonna go.

I'm gonna say
my line to camera.

"I'm great, Motor Boys suck,
yada yada yada."

Uh, Dad,

I-I'm not sure you can
legally say that.

Hey. Do you want
to keep your job?

Uh, no, not really.
You're forcing me to do this.

Then act like it.

All right,
then Tina says her line.

"Line"? Why do I
only get one line?

Babe, it's a 30-second
commercial.

We got to have time
for the customer.

Eh, if you say so, but, baby,
we need this thing to pop.

And we know
that this is popping.

Okay.

Dave, you ready to go?

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

Uh, about the customer.
Who is this guy?

W-What do you mean?
He's a customer.

Well, yeah, no... I-I know that,
but if I'm gonna be convincing,

I need to know his backstory.

You know?
What-what makes him tick?

What brought him here and why?

His broken car,
because it's broken.

His broken car.
Okay, let me chew on that.

Okay. Marty,
how we doing over here?

Uh, great. But before we start,

how do we want
this thing to look?

What do you mean?

Well, Motor Boys ads
may be professional,

but they're kind of generic.

So we can stand out

by giving our ad
a distinct visual aesthetic.

An aesthetic?

Why do we need a fake leg?

Okay, nobody treats
Tarantino this way.

Okay. I made a few changes
to your lines

that I think will
make them better.

What did you do?

I gave them to me.

You gave yourself everything
except "I'm Calvin Butler."

Well, I can't say that.
I would sound ridiculous.

Calvin, I have a few questions
about my character.

Dave, since when
do you wear glasses?

Well, that's one
of my questions.

These olives are delicious.
You have to try one.

Mmm.

You know, when my parents
do that, it is gross.

But when you do it, it's hot.

So, uh, there's something

I kind of need
to talk to you about.

Okay, Gemma was
watching us make out.

But she promised
to see a therapist.

It's not that.
I got some news today.

I was offered
a new teaching position.

Wow, that's so great.

It's in Paris.

Wow, that is so in France.

I know. It's this
amazing school.

I applied for it last year,
and I honestly

never thought I would get it.

So I guess you're, um,

moving to France?

I don't know.
I haven't accepted it yet.

Why not?

Because I feel like
what we have is special,

so before I decide...

...I'd like to know
where you think we're going.

Oh. Uh, I, um...

- Well...
- So, do we know what we want?

Hey, can you chill out,
man? This ain't got nothing to do with you!

Okay, everybody,
if you would all just focus

and stick to my original plan,

we only have to do this
one more time.

Uh, actually, Dad,

I think I might need a few more
takes to capture

the edgy Spike Lee feel
I'm going for.

You're lucky there's not
an aesthetic here,

or I would hit you
over the head with it.

Action!

Hi, I'm Calvin Butler.

And here at Calvin's Pit Stop,
our customers are friends,

and our friends are family.

Just ask my wife Tina.

Do you have a problem
with your car?

Talk to Tina.

Do you want
the best prices in town?

Talk to Tina.

Do you want
the best customer service?

Talk to Calvin.

Or to Tina.

And speaking of customers,
here comes one now.

After the accident, I didn't
know where to bring my car.

But then I found
Calvin's Pit Stop,

where they did a great job
at a fair price.

That's right,
because here at Calvin's...

Sure, I lost my family
in that accident,

but I found a new one
here at Calvin's...

Pit Stop!

Cut!

We're doing it again.

What?

Uh, that's good, because
I forgot to press record.

Oh, my God.

Did you see the cut
of the commercial?

I just watched it.

I was amazing!

I know.

Wasn't I great?

I know it's just
a local commercial,

but I feel like I could
get nominated for something.

Oh, Calvin,

did you see the
commercial yet?

Yeah.

Well, what'd you think?

Well, to put it gently, it was
a flaming pile of hot garbage.

What?

All three of you
were ridiculous.

Marty with his
black-and-white montage

and-and you
just making love to the camera.

And you, with your backstory
about being a drug addict?

Ex-drug addict.

Well, y'all seem
to have forgotten

that my business
is on the line here.

Motor Boys is stealing
my customers,

and y'all up in here
trying to win a BET Award.

Can a white guy win that?
'Cause that would be amazing.

Calvin, we were all
just doing our best.

Well, it's totally unusable.

And now I gotta do it again.
By myself.

How could you do that?
I spent hours

getting into that
character's head.

And let me tell you something,
it was not a pretty place!

Yeah, I got that
when you made me

flush your Tic Tacs
down the toilet.

Well, good luck pulling this off
all by yourself.

I don't have another choice.

I gotta turn something
in by tomorrow,

and it sure as hell can't be
what y'all did.

- Can you believe that?
- I know.

I had the shakes all night
coming off those fake drugs.

Oh, my God, Malcolm.

Sofia told me about
her job offer.

Yeah, I know.
I don't know what to do.

Well, I am her boss.

One phone call to Paris,

and I can make this
whole thing go away.

You're kidding, right?

Of course I'm kidding.

Unless you don't
want me to be.

Well, I appreciate
the offer, Gemma,

but this is her decision.

So, what, you're just
gonna give up?

What else am I
supposed to do?

You're supposed to
fight for her.

You can't just sit back
and do nothing

while the woman you...

Love is going to France?

Oh, my God, you just
said you love her.

- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yeah, you totally did.

No. Are you sure
I didn't say "Louvre"?

Because that's in France, too.

Malcolm, why can't you just
admit that you're in love?

Because I don't want to mess up
her life, Gemma.

Mess up her life how?

Look, think about it.

What if I tell Sofia
I love her,

she decides not to
go to France,

and then it doesn't
work out between us?

I would have stood in the way
of her chasing her dreams.

I would never forgive
myself for that.

I get that.

But what if you do tell her,
and she stays,

and it's the best thing
to ever happen to you two?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

If she goes, you're gonna
spend the rest of your life

wondering "what if?"

And trust me, that is
no way to live.

You know what,
you're right.

You're right. I'm gonna
tell her I love her.

I'm
gonna text her right now.

No, no! Malcolm, Malcolm...

You can't just text
something like that.

You gotta make is special.

Like how I gave Dave
a paper crown,

even though it wasn't
his birthday.

Okay, well, what do you
think I should do?

Don't worry, leave it to me.

Thank you, Gemma.
Wait a minute.

You're not calling Paris,
are you?

No, silly.

Unless you want me to.

Okay, Grover, all you have to do
is point the camera at me,

and push the red button.

I know how to use a phone,
Mr. Calvin.

What do you think I am, six?

You got a lot of attitude
for somebody

who can be replaced by a tripod.

Okay, you ready?

Action.

Hi, I'm Calvin Butler,

and here at Calvin's Pit Stop,
I guarantee you

the best repairs with
the lowest prices in town.

Just ask my wife. Right, Tina?

You can't see her,
but she agrees.

What's that, sir?

The best customer service
you've ever had?

Thank you.

Well, you heard them.

So come on down
to Calvin's Pit Stop,

where our customers are friends,
and our friends are family.

Yeah!

Yes. That's how you do it.
What do you think?

It was great, Mr. Calvin.
Really funny.

What do you mean funny?

I mean how you talk about
your friends and family

when you're all by yourself.

Well, I wouldn't be
if my friends and family

took this seriously.

My dad took it seriously.

He said the pressure is what got
his character hooked on drugs.

I know. He told me
he crashed his car

escaping from rehab.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Calvin.

I guess he was just worried
about letting you down.

He was?

Yeah. He said he really just
wanted to help you

beat Motor Boys.

Oh, man.

Maybe I did overreact.

I guess everybody was
just trying to help.

Not me.
You promised me 20 bucks.

Okay, it's all set.

I've got the balloons,
a bouquet of roses,

and the fourth grade
a capella group

is hiding in the nurse's office.Okay.

Why fourth grade?

Because the sixth graders
just hit puberty,

and they sound like a bunch
of horny sea lions.

Man, I am nervous.

It's gonna be fine.

And if not, I've got
France on speed dial.

Hey, Gemma,
you wanted to see me?

Malcolm?
What are you doing here?

I thought that I would come by
and, uh, surprise you.

Oh, gotta go.

Mrs. Murphy got bit
by the class turtle again.

It is hard to go back to lettuce
when you've tasted blood.

So, what's going on?

Well, I, um...
I've been thinking a lot

about the idea of
you moving to France.

And there's
something that I...

I'm not going.

What? Really?

Really.

What made you
decide to stay?

Well, the more I thought
about going,

the more I realized I don't
want to mess up my life.

Mess up your life?

Yeah. I mean,
I know going to Paris

is something I've always
dreamed of,

but I'm just afraid that

if I give up
everything here to go,

and then it doesn't work out,

I'd never forgive myself.

You know, I know
exactly how you feel.

Which is why you have to go.

What?

Look, Sofia, nothing
would make me happier

than if you stayed.

But you can't let
being afraid stop you

from going after
something that you want.

'Cause if you do,
you'll always be wondering

"what if?" And...

that's no way to live.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, no, I, uh...

I miss you already.

♪ You are my

♪ Sunshine Oh, damn!

♪ My only sunshine

♪ You make me happy.

This isn't Mr. Cullen's
retirement party.

Everybody out.
Out, out, out, out!

I don't know
what Dad's talking about.

My camerawork is great.

I mean sure,
the slow motion didn't work,

but that was only
in the flashbacks.

And there was nothing
wrong with my acting.

Although...

Falling out of the wheelchair
might have been a bit much.

Yeah, in hindsight,

maybe I shouldn't have
licked that wrench.

- Oh.
- Hey, everybody.

- Hey.Hey.
- Hey.

Look, uh, I just wanted to tell
you I'm sorry for what I said.

You were all just

trying to help, and I just kept
shutting you down.

Well, baby, you, uh,
you weren't wrong.

Yeah, we just watched it again,
and we were pretty awful.

Yeah, you were straight trash.

Uh, but the point is,

is you're my family
and you're my friend

and that's what the shop
is all about,

so I was thinking maybe we all
take another crack at it.

You sure? Because we...

I'm in.

Well, me, too.

Oh, what the hell?
Let's make a sequel.

All right. Come on, well,
let's do this thing.

But this time,
no sad backstories.

Totally agree.
But what about, uh,

this time I'm a guy from Boston

who, uh, crashed his car
after he robbed a bank.

Where the hell is an aesthetic
when you need one?

Hi, I'm Calvin Butler.

And here at Calvin's Pit Stop,
we guarantee the best repairs

at the lowest prices in town.

Just ask my wife Tina.

He's right.
And I don't say that often.

But don't take
our word for it.

Here comes
a satisfied customer now.

Wow, these are
the best repairs

and the lowest
prices in town.

Told you.

Thanks, Calvin's Pit Stop.

So come on down
to Calvin's Pit Stop,

where our customers
are friends...

And our friends are family.

We did it.
We were on TV!

And in the best time slot
of the night.

Right between Swamp Truckers
and Swamp Wives.

Well, I say we celebrate.

Let's go to Ernie's.

- Yeah. Let's do it.
- Okay.

Just in case there's paparazzi.

Sync corrections by srjanapala