The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Welcome to the Team - full transcript

Hey, what's up, little man?

Oh, hi, Mr. Calvin.

Me and my dad are about
to do some hoops.

I think you mean "shoot some hoops."

No, he doesn't.

Tryouts for the Walcott Academy
Hula-Hoop squad are next week,

and Grover's got to
get his game hips on.

- Hula-Hoop tryouts?
- Mm-hmm.

Don't you just show up

and any kid who has asthma is in?

Actually, it is very competitive.



It's the second most
popular sport at school,

after Mathletics.

And that one's for nerds.

So, are you telling me that no one

at this little hippie school
of yours plays real sports?

How do you tell the cool
kids from the losers?

Oh, Caleb's definitely cool.

He can Hula-Hoop around his neck.

And his dad won't let anyone forget it.

Okay, listen to me, Dave.

Look, the youth basketball team I coach

is starting a new season.

Do Grover a favor... let him join us.

Like, right now.



I don't know. You know,
Grover's never played

organized sports before.

Come on, Dave, it'll be good for him.

Like... look, I don't like to brag,

but I'm the best coach in town.

Maybe in all of California.

I guess it would be good for Grover

to learn about winning and losing.

Not on my team.

No, we've gone undefeated
the last two seasons.

He's gonna have to learn
that losing part from you.

All right, what do you say, bud?

You want to join Mr.
Calvin's basketball team?

Sure. Sounds fun.

Great. Practice starts
tomorrow, but for now,

why don't you show me what you got.

- All right, now, come on, buddy.
- All right.

Show him those Johnson skills.

Come on. All right.

You know what, uh, let's
try it with this one.

Hey, Mom..

Hey. How was basketball practice?

It was great! Coach Calvin made me

the most important position on the team.

Really? That's incredible.

What are you, the point guard?

Better.

The equipment manager!

What? You can't be the
equipment manager.

That's the job they give the kids who...

Who care the most about the team.

It's so cool.

I'm in charge of the
basketballs and towels,

and no one gets Gatorade
without going through me.

Mm.

Yeah, he might not need
to wear a cup, but...

he sure can fill one.

I'm gonna go practice
handing out orange slices.

If only Caleb could see me now.

Yeah, you go get 'em, son!

Kid's got a heart of a champion.

No, what the kid has got is

the most embarrassing job on the team.

Ugh! Being the equipment
manager is like being

the tree in the school play.

Hey, I was the tree in the school play.

Don't throw shade until
you've provided it.

Oh, God.

Seriously, how could you
let Calvin do that to him?

Oh, well, Gemma...

he was awful.

I mean, he couldn't
shoot, he couldn't pass,

and when he jumped, I
don't know, somehow...

he got lower.

How is that even possible?

No one knows.

Aw, how about this one?

Your old hall monitor vest.

Keep or trash it?

Uh, trash. I don't want
to be one of those guys

that's stuck in his glory days.

Whoa, what is going on in here?

Looks like somebody turned a
nerd upside down and shook him.

No, we're just clearing out a
few of Marty's old things.

Your father was complaining
about my stuff

crowding his side of the closet.

Oh, so you're moving
some of your stuff here?

No, his.

And if he complains again,

he's getting moved here, too.

Hey, check it out... my
old snake terrarium.

Oh, yeah, I remember Slinky.

You thought you would look
cool showing up at parties

with a snake around your neck.

Well, I would have if he hadn't escaped.

Or if you were ever invited to a party.

Malcolm, stop being so
mean to your brother.

- Yeah, thanks, Mom.
- Now, get your old,

stupid childhood crap out of here.

Out of here.

I don't blame Slinky for running away.

I would take off, too, if my owner was

an "Official Klingon Ambassador."

Well, actually...

Slinky didn't exactly run away.

What?

Ooh, I hated that thing.

It freaked the hell out of me.

So, one day, you boys were in school,

and I put it in a bag and
drove it to the woods.

You let it go?

Yeah, let's go with that.

I can't believe Marty never found out.

And he never will, right?

Hey, well, don't worry,
I did not hear a thing.

Yeah.

But I did!

Calvin.

Oh. Hey, Gemma.

Equipment manager?

You made my son the equipment manager?

Hey.

It's the most important
person on the team...

who's not technically on the team.

Calvin, I played varsity lacrosse,

and we all know what happens
to equipment managers.

They get teased and shoved into lockers.

At least that's what we did to ours.

Yeah, those were the
good old days, right?

I stuffed more geeks into
lockers than I did books.

Calvin, being on a team
made me resilient.

It toughened me up.

And that's what I want for Grover.

But...

he's the worst player I've ever coached.

And I coached Marty.

It was one practice.

I'm sure he'll get better.

Besides, I thought you told Dave

you were the best coach in the world.

I never said that.

I'm not an egomaniac.

I said California.

Look, it was your idea

to put him on the team in
the first place, so...

put him on the team.

Unless you want to be
stuffed into a locker.

Wow.

For a tiny little white
girl, she's kind of scary.

I can't believe it.

You murdered Slinky.

Well, it was self-defense.

As soon as he saw my snakeskin boots,

I knew he was coming for me.

Yeah, hey, look, come on, Marty.

It's been almost 15 years, man.
Let it go.

Well, it's easy for you to say.

You're not the one who
loved him, cared for him,

took him outside for
his nightly slithers.

Okay, Marty,

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have

gotten rid of your pet like that.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Well, that depends.

What else have you lied to me about?

Did my old Space Camp
buddy Winston Chang

really move back to China,
or did you kill him, too?

Okay, Marty, come on.

Let me do something to
make you feel better.

Like what?

Anything. Just name it.

Well, I-I do love your
seafood jambalaya.

Oh.

Wow.

I mean, with all the
shopping and the prep,

that's gonna take all day.

Yeah, you're right. It
does take a lot of time.

Yeah. Although death is forever.

Okay. Fine. I'll go to
the market right now.

Well, hey, Ma, since you out there...

I didn't kill your pet.

Oh, man, I'm really surprised
how upset you are.

I didn't realize how much
you loved that snake.

Well, actually...

I hated that damn thing!

What?

Well, it was terrifying.

Like a giant piece of
spaghetti with teeth.

All right, well,

then why are you giving
Mama such a hard time?

I'll tell you why... to teach
her a lesson in honesty.

By lying to her?

Well, I-I wouldn't call it lying.

Okay, then what would you call it?

Well, I...

Oh, give me a break, Malcolm.
I'm in mourning.

What?

Okay, Grover, you ever heard the phrase

- "he got game"?
- Sure.

Well, you ain't got none.

But I promised your mom I'd
turn you into a player,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

But I can't dribble, I
can't shoot, I can't pass.

Don't forget you suck
at rebounding, too.

I know. If I have to play,

I'm just gonna go out there
and embarrass myself.

Oh, oh, oh, don't worry.
Look, I got a plan.

You remember when Jorge tried to get

the extra orange slice at practice

and you slapped his hand away?

Not on my watch.

That's why I'm gonna
make you the enforcer.

The enforcer?

That kind of sounds like a superhero.

It is.

But instead of saving people, your job

is to elbow them,

foul and scare the crap
out of other kids.

Am I allowed to do that?

Up to six times a game.

Okay, so here.

Pretend I'm on the other team

and we're fighting for a rebound.

Show me what you got.

Come on.

And your mom said I wasn't a good coach.

Oh, look at Grover out there.

He looks so grown-up in his uniform.

Mommy loves you, snuggle bug!

Mommy!

I'm so nervous for him.

It feels like opening
night at the school play.

My leaves were shaking so bad,

they had to add a line
about the gusty wind.

Come on, bring it in.

All right, guys.

We're gonna go out there,
we're gonna play hard,

we're gonna have fun,
but most importantly,

show good sportsmanship.

- Go Lions!
- Roar!

Let's get it.

Whoa, whoa, hey, Grover.

All that good sportsmanship
stuff doesn't apply to you.

Got it.

Hey-hey, and, uh, here's
your mouth guard.

Safety first.

Yours, not theirs.

Thanks, Coach Calvin.

Oh, my God, Grover's starting.

That's my son! Number 12!

That's my snuggly son!

Wow, yesterday Grover was the water boy.

Today he's in the starting five.

I mean, at this rate,
tomorrow he's gonna be...

Foul, number 12!

In jail.

- Dude.
- Yo, what's up, man?

Don't tell me you guilted
Mom into baking you a pie?

I sure did.

Revenge is a dish best served à la mode.

Okay, Marty, I'm off to
clean your apartment.

Thanks, Mama.

Now, you sure you're
okay doing this for me?

Oh, anything for my baby.

Great. Make sure you use the pine scent,

because the lemon tickles my nose.

Okay, let me see if I have any.

I should've took his ass to the woods.

You know what? That's it, man.

You're taking this too far.

I'm telling Mama the truth.

Well, would a piece of this
delicious blueberry pie

change your mind?

Do you seriously think you
can buy me off with pie?

What about tickets to the Lakers game?

Mama got you Laker tickets?

Not yet, but if I can figure
out how to make myself cry,

it'll be Jack Nicholson,
you, and me on the floor.

Okay, I'm off.

- Here come the tears.
- Aah!

Oh, oh...

Oh, I know.

It's okay, baby bro.

Slinky's in heaven now.

What the hell is going on out there?

Grover's out of control.

Okay, uh...

so we got off to a
pretty aggressive start,

but I think he's beginning to calm down.

I mean, he hasn't fouled
anybody in almost two minutes.

Dave, it's a time-out.

Okay. Come on!

Look, maybe Calvin called the time-out

to tell Grover to keep
his elbows to himself.

Foul, number 12!

That's it. I'm talking to Calvin.

Okay, I'm coming, too.

Even the parents on our team
look like they want to kill us.

Come on, ref!

That kid traveled so much,

it's like he's going to see his
real daddy for the weekend.

Calvin?

What the hell? Grover's
acting like an animal!

I know, right?

Forget California, I may be
the best coach in the world.

I asked you to teach him
how to play basketball,

not turn him into a goon.

Hey, you told me to toughen him up.

Plus, we're winning.

He might not even have to
use his last two fouls.

Foul, number 12!

Okay, one foul.

So you're not gonna do
anything about this?

No. Not in the middle of a game.

Fine. Then I will.

Hey!

Oh, God, this is my mom
at the school play

all over again.

You want to teach my
kid how to play dirty?

Good luck doing it without this.

She does know we have a whole
rack of balls right here, right?

This pie is delicious.

Yeah, I know.

I always thought the secret
ingredient was love.

Turns out, it's guilt.

Hey, boys.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mama.

What's that?

A gift for you. I think I finally

figured out something that will make up

for what I did to you.

Oh, Mom, you shouldn't have.

Although, given your savage betrayal,

you probably should have.

All right, well,

open it, baby.

Okay, well, whatever it is,

hopefully it'll make me forget

the memory of my precious... snake!

Yeah. See, I realized
that there's no amount

of cooking and cleaning that
could replace your snake.

But maybe one that's twice as big could.

- Ooh-ooh!
- Ah!

Aw! Do you love it?

I know I do.

Ooh.

Here, come on, let me put
him around your neck.

Oh, look at him. Oh, look at that, aw...

He's so cute.

Look at him, Mama.

He's so happy, he's about to cry.

He gonna die.

Get it off.

What, wha-what'd you say, baby?
I can't hear you.

Get the snake... get it... get it off.

Get it off? Like, take it
off of your neck? Oh, okay.

Let me hold... You want
me to hold him? Okay.

And that's what you get for
messing with your mama!

You better ask somebody!

So you knew, huh?

Hell yeah, I knew!

I heard you two talking
when I was in the kitchen.

Um, how much did you hear?

- Mmm, about this much!
- Aah!

Selling out your own
mother for a Laker ticket?

You're an even bigger
snake than this one!

Uh-oh, where'd it go?

Aw, hell no!

- I'm moving! I'm moving!
- Go!

Mom, Mom, you should've seen it!
I made the game-winning play!

You scored a basket?

No, I would have had to
touch the ball to do that.

Oh, so you fouled another kid.

Oh, no. He didn't have to.

The best player on their team

was about to score the
game-winning shot,

but then, when he saw Grover,

he threw up an airball and peed himself!

Hey, come on, buddy. Let's go inside.

You should probably shower, and, uh,

I should probably call an attorney.

Well, Calvin, congratulations.

You turned my son into a monster

just so you could win a
stupid basketball game.

I hope you're happy.

When you say it like that,

it sounds like I'm not supposed to be.

Oh!

You're unbelievable.

Look, Gemma.

You said that he had to play.

Well, this is the only
way that he could do it

without embarrassing himself.

Oh, really?

So this was just about protecting him

and not your precious winning streak?

Why can't it be both?

Calvin, this was supposed to be

about teaching Grover the
value of being on a team.

I trusted you.

Think about it.

If Grover would've went out
there and played terrible,

and we lost, all the other
kids would have blamed him.

And then he would never
want to be on a team again.

Is that what you want?

Well, obviously not.

But I also don't want
kids wetting their pants

when he walks into a room.

Look, I was just trying

to give him a role on the team

where he could feel good about himself.

Yeah, but there's nothing
to feel good about

if he's not playing the right way.

All right. Okay.

I hear you.

Maybe I took it a little too far.

I apologize.

Thank you.

But you got to admit,

he was having a good time out there.

He did have a pretty
big smile on his face.

Yeah.

So I guess I have to give
you credit for that.

Well, you don't vote yourself
best coach in California

for nothing.

I'll tell you what, I'll
keep working with Grover

on his fundamentals,
bring him up to speed.

Thank you.

And promise me, next
game, no more fouling.

Not a problem.

You don't have to worry
about that at all.

He's been suspended for
the rest of the season.

Hey, Calvin...

I just hit 12 minutes. Personal best.

I've been watching for five seconds.

Personal worst.

All right, come on.

Why don't you give it a try?

Absolutely not.

Calvin, you have the wrong attitude.

It's stop making fun of it

and start making fun

a-with it.

Fine. I'll give it a spin.

Hey, man!

Huh.

That was more fun than I thought.

Snake!